I Told My Husband I'll Find Him Less Attractive If He Gets A Tattoo r/Relationships

[00:00:00] Hey, what's all gang? I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking

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[00:00:17] first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from a deleted account that

[00:00:23] says, I told my husband I might not want to sleep with him if he gets a tattoo.

[00:00:29] Tonight's my husband told me that he's thinking about getting a fairly large tattoo to

[00:00:34] cover part of his arm, at least self conscious about. I hate tattoos. They're a major turn

[00:00:40] off to me. I was silent for a bit trying to process, then eventually said it's your

[00:00:46] body and I won't stop you. He pressed me further, saying he wanted to know what I thought.

[00:00:53] I said I liked his body exactly the way it is, and if he got a tattoo, I'll find him

[00:00:58] less attractive. He said I didn't have to make up my mind just now because he was thinking

[00:01:03] about doing it in a few years or so. I said okay. I was pretty down because all I could

[00:01:09] think about was him getting this tattoo and knowing I have no right to stop him, but also

[00:01:14] knowing how much it will bother me. He realized my mood was off so he asked me if I was upset

[00:01:21] about the tattoo. I said yes. He told me that he doesn't understand why it's ruining

[00:01:26] my night because his summing he might do in the future. Not summing he's going to

[00:01:30] do now. I said I knew that, but if he decides he wants to go ahead and get it, I'll have

[00:01:35] no right to stop him. I wonder if I no longer find him attractive to the point where

[00:01:39] it ruins our sex life. It's not something he can get rid of. He said saying that was mean

[00:01:44] and uncalled for. I said it's a legitimate concern of mine and he wanted to know what

[00:01:50] was bothering me. Now he's really upset and I'm upset and we're both miserable. How

[00:01:56] do we fix this?

[00:01:59] And in the comments in the box already says you are being ridiculous. Sounds like you just

[00:02:04] want to punish your husband for doing something you don't approve of. Feeling ad says

[00:02:08] so you're other comments. So you associate tattoos with the assault you went through,

[00:02:13] not from husband but you can easily shrug it off with coworkers. That sounds odd and

[00:02:17] conveniently unfair to your husband and to top it off, your husband doesn't know about

[00:02:22] this assault. Instead of focusing on potential future tattoo you need to work on communicating

[00:02:28] to your husband the truth of your past and you definitely need some serious therapy.

[00:02:32] You don't get to use past traumas as an excuse for current behavior either by the way.

[00:02:37] So get working on yourself now. And then I discovered that OP added some sort of like

[00:02:43] edit or it's a comment on someone else's post originally that said I was assaulted by

[00:02:47] someone who had a tattoo in the same place my husband once won. Ever since the assault

[00:02:52] tattoos give me an uncomfortable feeling. That's why I'm worried I won't be attracted

[00:02:56] to him anymore but because he doesn't look exactly how he did when we first got together

[00:03:00] or because I think tattoos themselves are ugly. I don't want to tell my husband about

[00:03:04] the assault which is why I left it out of the original post.

[00:03:09] Dawn the back of that someone asked OP if they tried therapy to deal with the assault and

[00:03:13] they were sorry that it happened to OP and OP said I was in therapy a bit held but I

[00:03:18] still have some triggers. There's one song I still can't listen to without feeling

[00:03:22] like I'm going to throw up or have a panic attack. I'm worried tattoos might be one of those

[00:03:27] but I don't know for sure.

[00:03:30] Staff the donkey and we have to consider now that this might have been said before

[00:03:35] the additional information etc so you know take it with the pinch assault. Staff the donkey

[00:03:39] says that's totally manipulative controlling behaviour.

[00:03:44] Old performance says I do agree you're focusing too much on a what if. Also you're allowed

[00:03:49] to find tattoos unattractive that's your personal preference but I don't understand why

[00:03:53] you would stop having sex with him. Reversal arm got caught off in a work accident. Would

[00:03:58] you stop having sex with him then too because it's different than how his body looks

[00:04:02] now. Or like when he ages and wrinkles come, weight changes etc are you going to stop

[00:04:07] having sex with him. You should respect that your husband is self conscious about something

[00:04:11] and even though it wouldn't be your first solution his mental health matters too.

[00:04:17] He needs to come to terms with how he looks and you need to come to terms with why tattoos

[00:04:22] are so downright disgusting to you. As I said you're allowed to consider them unattractive

[00:04:26] that as a personal preference you're entitled to but I feel like there's something deeper

[00:04:30] about your disdain of tattoos. And obviously that commenter was right.

[00:04:36] Diorbaba says tell him you married him for a reason. He's safe enough for you to tell him

[00:05:03] his your husband. He should see it for what it was and run to be on your side. I'm sure

[00:05:08] he feels sad that he didn't know, maybe he feels that he should have been part of your

[00:05:13] healing when you all got serious. Either way, you're safe to tell him but I'm sure

[00:05:17] he'll be eager to mend the whole tattoo situation in the moment he's in the knowing. Good luck

[00:05:22] and send new calm vibes. It's hard to get into that conversation, I'm sure.

[00:05:27] Now talking about past traumas, it's got to be extremely difficult so that I can

[00:05:32] understand where OP is coming from but I would like that commenter said, I would talk

[00:05:37] to your husband about what you went through in the past. A lot of people in the comments

[00:05:42] were saying it's not an excuse, it's your issue to deal with etc etc but if I was

[00:05:47] OP's partner I would want to know that's the real reason behind the whole tattoo

[00:05:52] from past traumas and I would try to help out with that if like I'm saying this is

[00:05:57] from my point of view. Someone that I love, someone that I care about has gone through

[00:06:03] a traumatic experience and they think that they might trigger them. That would certainly

[00:06:07] make me think 100% is my body, it's my choice in the end so you know I can choose what

[00:06:14] I want to do with my own body but at the same time this is someone I love, this is someone

[00:06:19] that I care about. In this particular story this is someone that I'd

[00:06:23] be married to, a lifelong commitment so of course I would want to consider their feelings

[00:06:29] and try to help them get through whatever they're going through. Talking about it, additional

[00:06:34] therapy, something to help them get past the tattoo, not saying that I wouldn't do it

[00:06:38] in the end but I think communicating about this is only going to help you both.

[00:06:44] So OP does come in with an update and says I told my husband everything, you're

[00:06:50] a soul, why I'm worried about the tattoo, everything. Add an anxiety attack during it

[00:06:55] but manage to make it through. We agreed that if he still wants the tattoo he'll try

[00:07:00] a temporary one to see if it's a trigger, if it is he just won't get one, simple as

[00:07:04] that. The way he put it was covering my insecurity isn't more important than you feeling safe,

[00:07:10] I'm ultimately glad I told him because I didn't like hiding something from him and his reaction

[00:07:15] to all of it was better than I had even hoped. But telling him when I spent years not telling

[00:07:21] anyone has reopened a lot of old wounds and has made it feel more real, so to everyone

[00:07:26] who acted like there is some right way to handle the after effects of being a victim of a violent

[00:07:30] crime. Seriously stop. I did therapy, it helped with some things not others, it's not like

[00:07:37] therapy is a magic one that suddenly makes everything that happened to you okay. I still

[00:07:42] have triggers, I could be in therapy for another decade and possibly still have those triggers.

[00:07:46] That doesn't make me a bad person or a person somehow undeserving of my husband's love.

[00:07:52] I came to the sub looking for advice and was met with shaming, none of you know how much I cried

[00:07:57] over your comments, thinking that I was a crazy manipulative wife, worrying that my husband would

[00:08:03] leave me over something I already knew was a mistake. I'll never come here for advice again and

[00:08:08] hope you all show your spells as a hell of a lot more empathy than you showed me.

[00:08:12] Conversely to everyone who tried to help and understand, thank you and especially thank you

[00:08:17] to the people who reached out and private messages offering support and sharing your own personal

[00:08:22] stories. There was a couple of comments on that update which OP replied to. First one said

[00:08:27] the comments that I saw on that post which were remotely negative mostly were posted before you

[00:08:32] made your edit and revealed the sexual assault situation. Do have a lot of sympathy for you and

[00:08:37] I don't think you are horrible. The awarding in this post is absurd. You ask for advice and people

[00:08:42] disagreed with you telling your husband you wouldn't have sex with him if he got a tattoo.

[00:08:47] They found that to be unreasonable. That is what advice forums are about. Do you expect all

[00:08:52] hired to support an agreement? OP says first, I asked how do I fix this? But how do I convince him

[00:08:59] he shouldn't get a tattoo? Even before I disclose the sexual assault, the response of apologize to him

[00:09:05] because you are in the wrong would have been far more helpful than your husband should buy a flesh

[00:09:09] light. And we'll see you in a divorce forum soon. I never said I was right, in fact I thought I messed

[00:09:16] up. People didn't bother to consider that before assuming I was trying to control him. Second,

[00:09:22] even after I disclose the sexual assault people called me controlling, shallow and ridiculous.

[00:09:26] People downvoted pretty much all of my comments including the comment about why I struggled to tell

[00:09:32] him. People also told me I had plenty of time to tell him and messed up by not telling him.

[00:09:36] That's not advice, that's kicking someone when they're down, it was uncalled for.

[00:09:42] Someone quotes OP and says I came to this sub looking for advice and was met with shaming and then

[00:09:46] says because you left the assault out of your original post didn't you? Rikni if I'm wrong,

[00:09:52] I think you added that as an edit and a response to a later comment. Without the assault,

[00:09:56] your post did come across as controlling or manipulative. Knowing about the assault and the

[00:10:01] related trigger of tattoos was critical to understand where you were coming from. As a result,

[00:10:06] the advice you ultimately got was you have to tell him about the assault because without

[00:10:10] that information he's going to think you're just trying to be controlling and manipulative

[00:10:14] over what he wants to do with his own body. And you took that advice then you told him about

[00:10:19] the assault. More happened everything suddenly made sense to him and now you're both on the same

[00:10:24] page about the tattoo. Issue is resolved and your bond with your husband has been strengthened.

[00:10:30] So why are you mad bro? Then one more comment that says I can't imagine making such an ultimatum

[00:10:36] on my husband and I am a sexual assault survivor as well. I fix my own issues in therapy,

[00:10:42] I don't project them onto my spouse. And that was the last one on that post but now I'm

[00:10:49] going to turn this one to you guys. What do you guys make of this situation? Put yourself in

[00:10:55] OP shoes. How would you feel in that? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below

[00:11:00] and let's move on to another story.

[00:11:19] Like me and have a home but aren't always at home, you have an Airbnb.

[00:11:24] Posting your home or a spare room is a very practical side hustle. If you live in a big game town,

[00:11:31] you can air BNB your place for fans to stay in. Your home might be worth more than you think.

[00:11:36] Find out how much at airbnb.com slash post.

[00:11:50] Regrets inviting a sister 27 female to live with us.

[00:11:55] Bago Friend 30 and I 29 back in 2020 decided to move out of our state and start living together

[00:12:01] after over 10 years of friendship and 2 years of dating. We got an apartment space for the

[00:12:06] college roommate who we were also friends with and it was a long adventure of learning to live

[00:12:11] with someone, adjusting, compromising and understanding how and why someone lives the way they do.

[00:12:18] Eventually the college roommate moved out two years later and while we love her to death,

[00:12:23] we struggle to take care of her to cat and while we love her to death,

[00:12:27] we struggle to take care of her to cats that she adopted while we took care of our own too as well.

[00:12:33] We got to live together as just us two for eight months and we were on a steady path of

[00:12:37] improving both our individual lives in our relationship until my girlfriend thought to invite

[00:12:43] a sister to live with us. To give context my girlfriend came from a hellishly strict household

[00:12:49] from no internet or going out to an adult, expectations in school so on.

[00:12:55] Her and her sister would endure their drunken dad who'd always put them in the age when he was

[00:13:00] around, forced them to hide in their rooms and then berate them from outside their door.

[00:13:05] It was so much that my girlfriend actually ran away. Almost started up a new life in a different

[00:13:11] state and till guilt brought her back. And while things were talked out the issues were never resolved.

[00:13:18] What's worse was a sister who'd put some blame on her from time to time for whenever her

[00:13:23] dad targeted her when she was not around, forcing more guilt. Moving out was my girlfriend's second

[00:13:30] chance of trying to be free. My girlfriend invited a sister out to live with us because she also felt

[00:13:37] like she needed to get out and out of kindness my girlfriend offered. We drove to her with a

[00:13:43] U-Haul helped her pack her things then carried everything into our space within a day. A year has

[00:13:49] passed and it's only been negative. The sister also has two cats and once again we have to help

[00:13:55] take care of them but compared to our old roommate the sister expects us to. Don't let her two

[00:14:01] cats enter our room, don't let our two cats enter her room. Stop our cats from being there her door

[00:14:06] around 3am but let the cats interact and so on. We had to cage our cats temporarily because when we

[00:14:14] were both at work she doesn't want to handle any of the cats. She drinks occasionally and sometimes

[00:14:19] goes into a spiral that forces my girlfriend to take care of her. We tried talking and while they

[00:14:25] talked it out nothing gets resolved. My girlfriend just feels on edge when a sister is around,

[00:14:30] has the hide with the cats in our room and if something went wrong we hear a berators near our door.

[00:14:36] With our lease finally ending soon I've been trying to convince my girlfriend to move to a new

[00:14:40] place but would leave us as screwed with no place to go. We can't think of any solutions

[00:14:46] and while I don't socialize with the sister much at all, even after I and my girlfriend spoke our

[00:14:51] mind nothing really got through. I want us to get out but then I'm potentially leaving someone

[00:14:57] homeless. I the asshole here. And we're starting the comments the first one quotes opian says if we move

[00:15:05] out her sister has nowhere to go and then says which is your problem why exactly?

[00:15:10] Kick them out. You two handed her an apartment on a plate and she pissed it away by being a dreadful

[00:15:15] roommate. Doesn't nobody to blame if she's homeless other than herself? Of course she will publicly

[00:15:21] blame you too because she is incurably entitled but if anyone who takes her side you just say okay

[00:15:27] she's all yours you take her in. Stress says in Spanish we say guests and corpses start to

[00:15:34] stink after three days. Look I understand wanting to support the sister but you and your girlfriend

[00:15:40] have to put your foot down and be clear on the expectations and when the sister has to move out

[00:15:44] one way or another. That is depending on our education and work experience tell us she has

[00:15:50] ex amount of months to find a job in a place of her own. Don't propose until you're certain

[00:15:55] you and your girlfriend are on the same page as how to deal with such a situation.

[00:16:01] Opia responded to him we do plan on telling her sister after the holidays as our lease ends in five

[00:16:06] months which we hope is more than enough time for her and her boyfriend to figure things out.

[00:16:11] I only wish their boyfriend found a job like he claimed he would. We even got him into a

[00:16:16] tent job but he never showed up and he still lives here rent free. Edit for the proposal thankfully my

[00:16:22] girlfriend and I pick the ring out together and she's fine waiting however long for me to propose

[00:16:27] as I insist we're financial and stable mental footing so we're good on that.

[00:16:33] Beautiful story says don't just talk leave I'm assuming the sister and the boyfriend are

[00:16:39] adults but then figure it out if they can't they can both go back to once they came. Your girlfriend

[00:16:45] did assist her a solid by offering her an escape from her not so great home life as a thank you

[00:16:51] sister turned into a nightmare and brought her equally nightmarish entitled boyfriend into the mix.

[00:16:57] You and your girlfriend have done enough more than enough leave. Opia responds saying I only say

[00:17:03] talk because the sister immediately starts crying though it's more of an attempt at appeasing her

[00:17:08] to stop the crying then discussing the issues we definitely will set our foot down and give an

[00:17:12] update on the post when we do edit I guess to give an example I go from wanted to ask why she didn't

[00:17:19] want her cats to roam to our room or be near the kitchen when she was totally fine with her cats

[00:17:24] being in the kitchen and her bedroom when they used to live back at their parents house and we never

[00:17:28] got an answer just solving and talking about how our cats kept on getting on the counter.

[00:17:33] There's those two but I guess ours is an issue. KL took good response to Opia and says she's

[00:17:38] manipulating you but this rate the boyfriend will be gone today just to go at the end of the or lease

[00:17:45] why you two let free loaders move in is beyond me but learn to say no ignore the tears stop being

[00:17:50] hostage in an apartment you pay for it's ridiculous hella leases up in x amount of months we are

[00:17:57] intending to not renew and find a new space you have until x date I would set this before leases up

[00:18:04] to find other living arrangements and we'll be finding a place alone.

[00:18:09] Opia then posted pretty much the same post in a different subreddit but left a lengthy comment on

[00:18:16] it which was a sort of update in a sense and said thank you for the long written advice.

[00:18:21] I just showed my girl from this post and we've been reading together the comments so far

[00:18:25] and she's both happy and sad to hear it as some of the things I've already said to her in

[00:18:29] just a different way but she needed convincing that this is the right move.

[00:18:34] My girlfriend is strong like so strong. I remember she was involved in a car jacking and it took

[00:18:40] months to finally be vulnerable and cry about it so it hurt to see how often she cried throughout

[00:18:45] this whole year more than I've ever seen my whole time knowing her. She teared up after I read

[00:18:52] this comment aloud but in a good way because she was scared that her and myself would be bad

[00:18:56] in trying to find peace living alone. As for inviting the boyfriend 27 male thing we have been friends

[00:19:03] with him for a good several years. I forgot to get together with my girlfriend sister. Me,

[00:19:07] my girlfriend and the sister's boyfriend came to the idea that he come here, he work then all

[00:19:13] four of us can pitch in and get a big house for all of us to live together. Yeah, who were naive.

[00:19:19] I'd be much more comfortable with us moving out if he had a job because he's been here for nine

[00:19:22] months but he hasn't. Our plan is to enjoy the holidays, visit my family and then once new year

[00:19:28] passes we will tell them the news. He gives them five months before the lease ends and then we can

[00:19:35] also see what our boyfriend decides to do whether he wants to fly back or stay here and actually

[00:19:40] work things out. He just sucks because we're both anxious about the long five months as a sister's

[00:19:45] reaction would decide how we live for the remaining time here. So around two months later Opie comes

[00:19:53] up and says, while I go I made a post explaining a situation where my girlfriend sister started

[00:19:59] living with us and it's been hell. I deleted the post instead of muting the notifications by accident

[00:20:05] as I didn't expect it to gain traction. When asked if I was sure I didn't realise what for lol.

[00:20:11] TLDR version, girlfriend moved out of an abusive home, she offered a sister a space in our house

[00:20:16] to escape abusive home, she ends up being abusive. We flew her boyfriend out here so she can be happy.

[00:20:22] Lives with us for a year with no job. We don't want to live with them anymore. I created a post

[00:20:27] asking if I was in the wrong and how to approach the situation. If anyone needs more context,

[00:20:31] they'll gladly fill you in. The post I made was unanimous in saying we just need to tell

[00:20:37] them and leave. Most were kind. Some called us pussies but I can't blame them. Well good news

[00:20:43] for everyone who saw the original post and other people just joining in. But we did tell them in

[00:20:48] the beginning of January. We were extremely anxious about it but when we talked about it we felt

[00:20:53] relief off of our shoulders. Of course a sister cried about it saying a lot of things trying to

[00:20:59] convince us to stay and we firmly just said we wanted to leave. We did not say because of her.

[00:21:05] We simply said we wanted to be on our own since the last 5 years living out on our own,

[00:21:09] it was never us too. Since we had a roommate for the first 3 years in our sister,

[00:21:15] she admitted defeat and said she was fine with it. And now we're moving out to May once our lease

[00:21:20] ends. It doesn't come without the weekly comments to guilt us to stay. All from a sister which

[00:21:26] we have had answers for each one. Comment such as I don't want us to lose contact or stop talking

[00:21:32] after this. Hope you continue, we always invite them out to eat or explore, play games, watch movies,

[00:21:37] bring them with us to visit our respected families for the holidays. Always in no. It doesn't help

[00:21:43] every time she does try to talk to us it ends in her gilting or blaming my girlfriend.

[00:21:47] Boating the sister again, it's hard to find a job nowadays. I don't know if boyfriend's name

[00:21:52] could help me with paying for a new space. Hope he says it's now been one year since he's been here.

[00:21:58] We can say for certain he only applied to one place and gave us no update. I'm sure him saying he

[00:22:03] doesn't want to go to work somewhere that pays him below x amount doesn't mean anything. Flash

[00:22:09] sarcasm. There's plenty more but we've been growing thicker skin and I'm just looking forward to

[00:22:14] living just us together. Might not necessarily need a post but just wanted to make this to thank

[00:22:20] the people on here that encouraged and kicked their asses to take a stand. Is there anything

[00:22:24] we should plan ahead for handling a person with this kind of personality?

[00:22:29] Hope you added an additional comment below that when I said yeah, over the month we've been

[00:22:32] trying to walk her sister in her boyfriend on how to call and set up the internet electricity

[00:22:37] etc for the apartment space and she's scared and not sure how to do it. The entire time she's

[00:22:42] passing comments but she insists she's joking immediately after saying it. At where leaving her

[00:22:47] broken borderline homeless, she's in a group text chat saying it in different words literally

[00:22:52] a few hours ago which wouldn't be an issue because my girlfriend and I will be spending the same

[00:22:57] if not 100 or two more and what she will be paying for her place on us. But her boyfriend doesn't

[00:23:03] have a job. I guess to give more context on why the boyfriend that we flew out here doesn't simply

[00:23:08] fly back home. About a few months ago he lost his phone and his wallet in a movie theatre so no

[00:23:14] idea. Thankfully he called his mum and got her to send him another phone so he's good now.

[00:23:20] Rainy replies that saying that dude is a hobo sexual. Siss needs to learn her own lessons but you don't

[00:23:27] have to subsidize him any longer. Someone said to OP so you're moving out. Are they signing a new lease?

[00:23:34] Make sure your names are off of everything before you leave and enjoy your peace. Hope he says yes

[00:23:39] our lease ends in May we already have a place that we are prepped to go to. My girlfriend sister

[00:23:44] and her boyfriend on the other hand we are not certain. She has a job but he doesn't. Nordes

[00:23:49] it seemed like he's made an effort in the past month to look for any. We were urged in my previous

[00:23:53] post that it was not our problem and we agree so hopefully they figure that out.

[00:23:58] Thanks for the peace. Sparkling Perry says may ha. Not sure I actually believe you'll go through with

[00:24:04] it. The fact that you're seeking advice for such an obvious set of actions that you are free to do.

[00:24:08] You want to do and make perfect sense for you. Doesn't give me any comfort that you've actually

[00:24:13] show a spine when these people inevitably lean on you for more support. And OP gives a final response

[00:24:19] to that and says see this was one of the comments that I had on my original post that I totally

[00:24:23] understand the doubt and questioning. Personally I was more seeing if we were the ones doing wrong.

[00:24:29] I know we're in the right but I want to make sure I go about it and communicate it right.

[00:24:33] While my girlfriend was seeking advice on how to discuss with a sister who basically is just near

[00:24:38] a carbon copy of her dad. The main source of trauma she grew up with which is why even with

[00:24:44] the answers being clear the course of action being laid out and me trying to endorse that us moving

[00:24:49] is a good thing. I was trying to maintain a relationship with a sister was the most important thing.

[00:24:54] They both went through the same shit just my girlfriend had me and had a great support group

[00:24:59] and a sister had her and the boyfriend she has now. As for going through it we already gave our

[00:25:04] three month notice a few days ago and someone is seeking to live here once we move out so

[00:25:09] it's said in stone. Excited for it. But now I'm gonna turn this one to you guys what do you guys

[00:25:16] make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.