I Told My Husband He Has To Choose Either Our Family Or His Playstation r/Relationships

[00:00:03] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:19] Now today's first story comes from SuspiciousExam3842. It's a story you may have heard of in other places but has a new update attached to it. So if you want to skip certain parts of it, timestamps are always down in the description and along the timeline below. Thank you. It's titled, Am I the arsehole for telling my husband to choose his Playstation over our marriage?

[00:00:44] Advice needed. I, 34 female, have been with my husband, 41 male for 15 years and married for 11 of those years. We have a 7 year old daughter. We have sex maybe once a year since our daughter was born. I'm always the one that has to initiate any type of intimacy. When we do, it's hard to get him to stay up and it's a lot of work on my end. He's seen a doctor and there's no issues with labs and he won't take the little blue pill.

[00:01:13] Because he says he doesn't need it and doesn't have an issue. My husband has always blamed our lack of intimacy on our daughter since she slept in the bed with us. I try to get him to go into a different room and there's always some excuse like he's too tired but then he will go up to our game room and play his video games. Our daughter has slept in her own room for over 6 months now and nothing has changed. His excuse is still, well, our daughter has slept in the bed with us all this time.

[00:01:40] My husband is a good person and a good dad. He works hard for his family. He works 60 hours a week. But besides paying the bills, that's the extent of it. He says he's tired and tells me I don't understand the stress of having to take care of the family financially.

[00:01:57] I work 40 hours a week, have a small business, make all of our appointments, do anything related to our daughter. I'm a classroom mum, on PTO and do all household chores.

[00:02:08] I do all laundry, cleaning, make meals, grocery shopping, take vehicles for oil changes, yard work.

[00:02:14] I mow and take care of 2.5 acres and take the trash cans out. I do pay some of our bills and I pay for all of our daughter's extracurricular activities which definitely adds up.

[00:02:25] He just thinks my load of work and contributions does not amount to what he does.

[00:02:31] This past week, I got on his phone because he saves reels on Facebook for me.

[00:02:36] It's normally funny stuff and recipes he wants me to try.

[00:02:39] I saw his search history, all of these sexier girls and groups he's been looking at which really pushed me over the edge.

[00:02:46] I wouldn't be mad if he came to me to have sex and I denied him sex.

[00:02:49] I confronted him about it and he says he doesn't look that stuff up and I told him I'm not naive and it's clear as day.

[00:02:57] Then the next day he says yeah, he clicks on those girls profiles and groups because he's a man and likes to look.

[00:03:04] He's been locking his game room recently while in there and when he says he's sleeping I know he's playing his playstation.

[00:03:11] I guess now he looks at these different profiles.

[00:03:14] I've seen lotion up there a long time ago while cleaning and had asked him about it.

[00:03:18] He swears he's not jerking off but I'm not stupid and naive.

[00:03:23] I really just hate being lied to.

[00:03:24] He says I'm a hypocrite because I watch porn but I wouldn't watch porn and take care of my needs if he would be intimate with me.

[00:03:32] It's also not like I'm going to a specific person or their profile when I do pull up a video.

[00:03:37] I've also been honest with him that I masturbate and watch porn.

[00:03:42] I admit I am a hypocrite and guess I'm just hurt because it just seems it's me.

[00:03:47] To me it feels like he's not attracted to me or just doesn't seem to want me.

[00:03:51] He says he doesn't really have a drive and that's what I had thought but after seeing what he likes to click on I feel he just doesn't have a drive towards me.

[00:04:00] Looks wise people tell him he definitely leveled up.

[00:04:03] Overall I take care of myself and put effort into my looks.

[00:04:06] I'm definitely not the hottest or most beautiful but I'm not bad looking.

[00:04:11] He's overweight, short and balding.

[00:04:13] Why do I feel now I don't look good enough for him or excite him enough to be with?

[00:04:18] I told him I want him to get rid of all of the gaming stuff and to not be locked upstairs and to spend more time with me and our family or it's time for us to divorce.

[00:04:27] He said he's not giving up his gaming stuff and doesn't see how that's the problem.

[00:04:31] He told me that I'm going to ruin our family because all I want is sex.

[00:04:35] I'm just tired of begging.

[00:04:37] I feel like I shouldn't be begging for intimacy, affection and him being present with his family.

[00:04:43] I do so much for everyone and tired of not getting anything in return.

[00:04:47] I'm tired of putting my wants and needs last.

[00:04:49] I'm tired of begging him to hang out with us and do family stuff.

[00:04:53] The only thing that excites him is to go upstairs in his game room and play his video games.

[00:04:57] And I guess now I know he likes to do other stuff as well.

[00:05:01] We've done the counseling stuff here and there and it gets better for a bit but then goes back to our normal.

[00:05:07] So am I the asshole and a hypocrite?

[00:05:09] Am I in the wrong and taking things too far?

[00:05:14] Editing to add this about our child sleeping in the bed with us.

[00:05:17] We both allowed her to sleep in the bed with us.

[00:05:19] I had tried to boot her out to her own room sooner but my husband kept saying she wasn't ready.

[00:05:25] She'd cry and it was a lot of work and bribery to get her in her own room.

[00:05:28] Editing to add another note.

[00:05:31] There's definitely two sides to every story and you're just getting mine.

[00:05:34] We both have different love languages.

[00:05:36] Mine is affection and physical touch and his is acts of service.

[00:05:41] He likes a clean and tidy house and I do my best to keep up with everything home wise.

[00:05:47] I tried talking to him about what makes me happy and what I want but he's not listening to me.

[00:05:52] I feel like a spoiled brat at times because yes he provides financially well for us and I don't go without.

[00:05:59] It just sucks.

[00:06:00] I want to be seen again.

[00:06:02] We used to be such a team and it's a pissing contest of who does what.

[00:06:06] My husband really isn't a bad person or dad.

[00:06:10] Our daughter is definitely a daddy's girl.

[00:06:12] Mostly because I'm the disciplinary parent that makes sure she has to brush her teeth, schoolwork and etc.

[00:06:18] On our days off together he'll do a few things with us and then say he needs to get some rest.

[00:06:23] But he goes upstairs and video games.

[00:06:26] He really does work too much.

[00:06:28] He says he works too much because he wants to make sure we're taken care of if something happens to him.

[00:06:34] Which his dad was never there and his mum did struggle when he grew up.

[00:06:38] Reading that to me it just sounds like he's completely checked out of their marriage.

[00:06:44] The game in locking himself away is just a symptom of something that's going on right?

[00:06:48] It's not the cause of the issue.

[00:06:50] There was a small part of me wondering if it's something and obviously not excusing the behavior in any way shape or form.

[00:06:57] Just trying to find potential reasons.

[00:06:59] Maybe depression.

[00:07:00] I personally find myself moving away from gaming and if I find myself having a particular depressive episode if you like.

[00:07:08] I mean but everyone's different.

[00:07:10] And you're literally at that crossroads at the moment between divorce or something else.

[00:07:16] And I'm wondering what that something else could be because you've mentioned divorce and you seem to almost like brush it off in a way.

[00:07:22] You've tried counseling stuff but it just seems to go back to normal after a while.

[00:07:26] And unless you hit the underlying issue nothing's going to change.

[00:07:31] So you know you're really in a tough situation.

[00:07:35] And this might be just bashing your head against a brick wall.

[00:07:38] But maybe mentioning it that one more time being deadly serious saying this is it.

[00:07:43] You need to make your choice here about what's going on.

[00:07:45] Either have a proper discussion about what's going on here or it's the end.

[00:07:50] Which I know is super easy for me to say of course.

[00:07:52] But sweaty elephant, great name says.

[00:07:55] I mean I game a lot after the kids go to bed.

[00:07:58] Don't get me wrong.

[00:07:59] Probably too much if I'm being honest with myself.

[00:08:01] But I also work full time.

[00:08:03] Cook a ton.

[00:08:04] Clean a ton.

[00:08:05] Spend time with the kids when I get back from work.

[00:08:07] Do chores.

[00:08:08] Do the handyman stuff I'm capable of doing.

[00:08:11] And have the money for replacing the hardware in the back of the toilet for instance.

[00:08:15] Take days off work to go to the kids events sometimes etc.

[00:08:18] I still feel guilty sometimes when I sit down to game at night.

[00:08:23] If my wife came to me and said you're gaming too much and it's making me sad.

[00:08:27] I want to spend some time with you.

[00:08:29] I think about what she said and offer some solutions.

[00:08:32] Not just flat out say lol no.

[00:08:35] Like it sounds like he did.

[00:08:37] Opie says your comment really stuck out.

[00:08:40] Sometimes I do get to the point of frustration.

[00:08:42] Because I wish he'd just see what needs to be done without me having to nag him.

[00:08:47] Every year I ask if he can put Christmas lights up.

[00:08:50] And he doesn't do it until I finally snap at him.

[00:08:53] Christmas lights make me and our daughter happy and he knows it.

[00:08:57] So why do I need to ask him to do it every single year?

[00:09:00] My birthday is around Christmas and he doesn't do anything thoughtful.

[00:09:03] He says it's because he's working and didn't have time to go get anything.

[00:09:07] But he can make time to game and order stuff for his games on Amazon.

[00:09:10] I tell him to make a cake with our daughter and have her make me a card.

[00:09:14] Take her to Walmart and let her pick something out for me.

[00:09:17] I want him to show my daughter that I matter.

[00:09:20] I'm sure you saw the TikTok about the wife's stocking not having anything in it.

[00:09:24] That's another thing I have to tell him to find the time to do for me with our daughter.

[00:09:28] I just want him to make time and me not having to nag him.

[00:09:33] I think I'm just tired too.

[00:09:34] I know gaming is his relaxing and winding down time.

[00:09:38] But he's not understanding and prioritizing his family should be first.

[00:09:43] Similar Corner says, not the arsehole.

[00:09:45] The writing is on the wall.

[00:09:46] It's time for your heart to accept what your mind already knows.

[00:09:50] If he was willing to do something to help with the intimacy,

[00:09:53] then I would say give it a chance.

[00:09:55] To be fair, a kid in your bed does make sex harder to accomplish.

[00:09:59] He's doing nothing to help.

[00:10:00] Giving him an ultimatum isn't going to work.

[00:10:03] I think it's better to separate and divorce.

[00:10:05] Your marriage is over and you just haven't accepted it.

[00:10:09] By the way, what do you think you're teaching your daughter about a marriage?

[00:10:13] Another user says to AP, not the arsehole.

[00:10:15] You've tried counseling.

[00:10:16] You've told him what the problem is and he doesn't see any problem.

[00:10:20] He's not even a useful roommate because he's not apparently doing anything around the house.

[00:10:24] He works and pays the bills and comes down to eat food that is prepared for him.

[00:10:29] You've only mentioned sex and lack thereof.

[00:10:31] But I suppose there is a lack of other intimacy as well.

[00:10:35] Hugs, kisses, massages, cuddles on a sofa, dinner dates, going for a walk holding hands.

[00:10:41] Sex is for me.

[00:10:42] A thing that is built on top of all these other things.

[00:10:45] In itself, it's not adequate.

[00:10:47] If you have everything else.

[00:10:49] Maybe you can do away without sex so often.

[00:10:53] So OP comes in with a first update which says,

[00:10:56] I'm overwhelmed by the response from my first post and appreciate the feedback.

[00:11:01] I wasn't expecting to write an update this soon or even at all.

[00:11:05] Also, I realized as I was blindly rage writing my issues to a bunch of strangers,

[00:11:09] I didn't write the title properly.

[00:11:11] So I corrected it in this post update.

[00:11:14] Yesterday, I messaged my husband the following.

[00:11:17] Why should we stay together?

[00:11:19] Just for our daughter.

[00:11:20] What do you love about me besides being a good mother and wife?

[00:11:24] What do you like about me?

[00:11:25] What are things you want from our relationship that you're not getting besides financial?

[00:11:30] What do you think I contribute to our relationship?

[00:11:32] Do you really not want sex or a physical relationship?

[00:11:36] Do you think that's not an issue?

[00:11:38] I need a physical and intimate relationship.

[00:11:41] That's something that's important to me.

[00:11:42] It's more than just sex.

[00:11:44] Am I not attractive to you?

[00:11:46] Do you not desire me?

[00:11:48] Please be honest.

[00:11:49] Why do you hide the fact that you masturbate?

[00:11:52] Why can't you see why I'm upset and that my feelings are valid?

[00:11:57] Do you think I'm upset over nothing?

[00:11:58] I feel you take my words as if they are water being poured into a colander.

[00:12:03] You have no value to what I say.

[00:12:05] Why can't you see my pain?

[00:12:07] Do you think this is easy on me?

[00:12:09] Have I thrown too many empty threats to you that

[00:12:12] you don't take this and what I say seriously?

[00:12:15] Where can we go from here?

[00:12:16] Can we work it out?

[00:12:18] Sometimes my issue is that you can't be honest with me.

[00:12:21] That there's an issue.

[00:12:23] I hate when you don't take accountability and place blame elsewhere.

[00:12:27] We're adults.

[00:12:28] We make mistakes and we should take accountability for what we say and do.

[00:12:31] I know I'm not who I was and I don't love who I am right now.

[00:12:36] I don't like nagging, yelling and begging.

[00:12:38] Begging you for help, attention and affection.

[00:12:41] I'll go back, get a better paying job and help more with finances if we decide to move forward.

[00:12:46] In return, you'll have to help me more with our family.

[00:12:50] Help worry about finding a sitter for our daughter who's picking her up from school.

[00:12:54] You'll need to help and call out when she's sick.

[00:12:57] Take off for field trips.

[00:12:58] Help make her lunches.

[00:12:59] Take her to her extracurriculars.

[00:13:01] And help more with daily tasks.

[00:13:03] He never responded.

[00:13:05] Instead, I saw where he played over three hours on his PlayStation.

[00:13:08] To me, that speaks volumes.

[00:13:11] Someone messaged me this link and it goes to a page that's titled, you should have asked.

[00:13:17] And it says, that story really resonated with me and it hit close to home.

[00:13:21] I guess I'm at the point where I don't want a roommate anymore.

[00:13:24] I just want a partner that cares and can see the value I bring to our relationship and our family.

[00:13:30] Many of the original post responses talk about how I just want sex and that's really not it.

[00:13:36] I want intimacy and a yearning to feel loved and longed for.

[00:13:39] I want our relationship to be where we are a team again and it no longer feels like a pissing contest of who does what.

[00:13:46] I guess we are past that point of working things out.

[00:13:49] Now my concern is how to make this an easy transition for my daughter.

[00:13:54] I will continue to put a smile on my face and hold back my pain because as a parent, how she feels and what she sees comes first.

[00:14:02] I don't want her to feel blame or to be sad.

[00:14:05] I know it won't be easy.

[00:14:07] But thank you strangers for your advice.

[00:14:09] Even when some of it stung a little.

[00:14:12] As I said, I know it's hard to have an opinion when you're only getting one side.

[00:14:17] I'm not an angel in any of this and take accountability for my parts for the ending of this chapter.

[00:14:23] I guess it's time to move on.

[00:14:25] So one of the responses from OP to a comment said this.

[00:14:29] I appreciate your message and your perspective.

[00:14:32] I really do.

[00:14:33] When he gets home, he says how tired he is and bolts it upstairs to the game room to sleep before we can even get a hello in.

[00:14:41] And I hear him on his game up there.

[00:14:43] I tell him and I tell our daughter how thankful I am for how he provides for his family.

[00:14:47] I've helped him lose weight and I've told him how good he's looking and how proud I am of his weight loss.

[00:14:53] Even though he's getting the results by medication.

[00:14:56] I make sure the house is nice and tidy before he gets home.

[00:14:59] I pack his work bag, clean his clothes, make his lunches and buy his snacks.

[00:15:03] What I get in return is most of our bills paid by him and nothing more unless I ask him several times to do something.

[00:15:10] When I ask him to go to a family event, he said he's tired and doesn't go.

[00:15:15] When he goes, he complains the whole time about how tired he is.

[00:15:19] He can't just do what I do and just put a smile on his face.

[00:15:22] I think I don't have any more to give.

[00:15:25] I got to this point and asked him to make a sacrifice for me.

[00:15:28] And his response was no response.

[00:15:30] But instead, he played three hours on his game.

[00:15:34] When do I deserve to get some extra effort from our marriage?

[00:15:38] Brilliant Chicken says I can totally empathize.

[00:15:41] Sounds like he's not even open or appreciative.

[00:15:44] The kind of things you're trying to do for him.

[00:15:46] Well then the only other thing I could think of is trying to get him to open up to what's making him unhappy.

[00:15:51] Where he needs to escape to his games every waking moment.

[00:15:55] Put the onus on him to explain what he feels he's not getting that causes him to game non-stop.

[00:16:00] When I gamed, I would still make time for my family.

[00:16:03] And it sounds like he won't.

[00:16:05] You may have already made up your mind.

[00:16:07] But if you're still on the fence, pushing aside your hurt and concerns temporarily.

[00:16:11] And finding out from his perspective why he's checking out on gaming.

[00:16:14] Might give you some insight.

[00:16:16] I'm guessing he wasn't always this way.

[00:16:19] Something seems to be fundamentally not working.

[00:16:22] Couples therapy could help.

[00:16:23] But a lot of therapists are not that great.

[00:16:26] Not sure if it's an option.

[00:16:27] But maybe a separation or just leaving for a few weeks could make him wake up.

[00:16:32] Biring that, if you do go through a divorce, I wish you the best of luck.

[00:16:36] They are not fun.

[00:16:39] Opie said this was his response a day later.

[00:16:42] Opie, if I don't make you happy, then I don't want to force something that's not going to make you happy.

[00:16:47] I'm fine with what you want to do.

[00:16:49] I do love you and I should have to prove that after being together for 14 years.

[00:16:54] We can go our ways.

[00:16:55] I will financially support you and Landry.

[00:16:58] To the best of my ability.

[00:17:00] I only have a few requests.

[00:17:02] That wherever you decide to move, please stay within 30 miles of each other.

[00:17:06] So I can see Landry and I can help better.

[00:17:08] I can pay your mortgage on a $250k house if you put $100k down.

[00:17:13] And we'll of course pay for whatever Landry needs.

[00:17:16] When we sell the house, I want $100k and you can have everything else.

[00:17:21] I need you to pay the Tesla off.

[00:17:23] I owe $33k.

[00:17:24] We need to at least get $600k for a home, if not more.

[00:17:28] I hate that it's come down to this, but we'll help you achieve happiness

[00:17:31] as long as we can agree on some terms with our child and finances.

[00:17:36] Now obviously, I don't know from the back of that, but it kind of feels like that was

[00:17:41] almost a pre-prepared little speech.

[00:17:43] Again, I don't know because it's hard when things are in text, isn't it?

[00:17:48] But Opie comes in seven months later with another update and says,

[00:17:53] Hello my fellow Redditors.

[00:17:55] Sorry to go to Reddit for a bit.

[00:17:56] I'm honestly not exactly sure where I left off at, but here are the most recent updates.

[00:18:02] I didn't exactly know the best place to put updates, but figured I'd just make another post.

[00:18:06] After my second post, I'd found some thyroid nodules and thankfully they're non-cancerous.

[00:18:12] But I will still need to have a procedure to have them shrunk.

[00:18:15] My husband found out about them and was upset.

[00:18:17] I did not tell him what I was going through medically.

[00:18:20] After that, we spoke again about if he asked if we could reconcile.

[00:18:24] We did our best to address our concerns.

[00:18:27] We've been trying to work on things.

[00:18:29] He no longer plays his PlayStation, watches porn or stays upstairs in our game room.

[00:18:34] I started working more and contributing more financially,

[00:18:37] especially with all the extra medical costs from all of the labs,

[00:18:40] testing and needing to save for the cost of the procedure.

[00:18:43] Since I work more, he has been helping out with household duties and has been being a present parent.

[00:18:50] We are working on things, actually having sex, working on our health and communicating more.

[00:18:56] After my possible cancer scare, I realized life is just too short to not enjoy it.

[00:19:01] I told him I am no longer given energy to argue, be angry and be around people

[00:19:06] that are more negative than positive in my life.

[00:19:08] He knows if we aren't going on the same path, then I'm not going to stay in our marriage.

[00:19:13] Like many said, it's not healthy for our daughter to be with parents who stay together

[00:19:17] just for the sake of our child.

[00:19:19] He's finally listened to me and has started going to the doctor.

[00:19:22] He's on a CPAP for sleep apnea, lost 60 pounds and taking cholesterol medication.

[00:19:28] He's now overall seems to be in a better mood.

[00:19:31] He told me he really didn't realize how he would stay up watching the PlayStation

[00:19:36] and how that affected his sleep as well and has apologized for being so blind.

[00:19:40] I can tell he's trying to make efforts to be more involved and present as a husband and father.

[00:19:46] He's also taking lots more initiative in our relationship,

[00:19:50] initiates sex and actually is back to foreplay and I feel like we have true intimacy again.

[00:19:56] I really think the amount of masturbating, he had death grip syndrome

[00:19:59] and that's why he had a hard time keeping an erection which was what ultimately led to the dead bedroom.

[00:20:05] The bedroom is fun again and I feel like we are how we were before having a kid.

[00:20:10] We've started doing lots of little things together like watching our weekly shows,

[00:20:14] having date nights and we even took a week-long trip with just the two of us and we had a great time.

[00:20:19] I'm not saying everything is perfect because we have our days but we are on a very good path.

[00:20:25] I don't believe in throwing away something broken until I've given my all to repair it.

[00:20:30] It's so easy to throw something away and start over with something new.

[00:20:34] Marriage is teamwork and both partners have to be willing to put in equal parts of effort to make it last.

[00:20:40] I hate that it took us a big wake-up call to get here but I'm glad where we are at in life.

[00:20:45] Again, I appreciate all of you in this Reddit community.

[00:20:50] Now for me, I'm glad that they are working on it and things seem to be moving in a better path.

[00:20:57] A lot of people saying that the CPAP probably fixed a lot of the issues with being tired.

[00:21:02] I have no experience with that but I'm sure some people in the comments will let us know.

[00:21:07] A lot of people talking about how the cancer scare brought them back together and you know,

[00:21:12] it's sad that it took that to actually give him the wake-up call he needed but you know,

[00:21:17] glad it's happened that they got together.

[00:21:20] But now, I'm going to turn this one to you guys.

[00:21:23] What do you guys make of this situation?

[00:21:26] Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:21:29] Just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved in today's stories.

[00:21:33] Your love, your support, your time always means the absolute world to me.

[00:21:37] So thank you so, so much and hopefully I'll see you in the next one.

[00:21:40] Take care and much love.