I Told My Cousin His Fiancee Who I Previously Dated, Cheated On Me r/Relationships

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[00:00:47] Let's crack on with today's first story.

[00:00:51] And this story is from the MiTheArseholeHere subreddit from SubstantialText8845 and says

[00:00:56] Would I be the asshole for telling my cousin, his fiancee who I had dated before, cheated on me?

[00:01:02] So I'm in a strange situation.

[00:01:05] From my background I used to date my ex girlfriend Kate about two years ago.

[00:01:09] Our relationship ended on a sour note when I found out she was cheating on me.

[00:01:13] She became distant, glued to her phone and eventually I caught her sexting another guy under a fake name.

[00:01:21] When I confronted her and asked her why, she brushed it off with a

[00:01:24] Since you know, it doesn't matter now.

[00:01:26] Before walking away.

[00:01:28] It was a pretty shit time of my life.

[00:01:30] Recently my cousin Tony announced his engagement to Kate.

[00:01:34] Although we're not that close, we do keep in touch occasionally.

[00:01:38] I knew he had a girlfriend but I had no idea he was dating Kate until their engagement announcement.

[00:01:43] Tony reached out to me, asking if I could photograph their wedding.

[00:01:48] It seems that's how Kate connected the dots and realized Tony and I are related.

[00:01:52] She sent me a text pleading with me to let go of the past and not tell Tony about our history.

[00:01:58] According to her, revealing the truth would ruin Tony's life.

[00:02:02] Honestly, I wasn't going to talk about it but the text felt very strange to me.

[00:02:07] But I feel very complicated about this.

[00:02:09] My sister and my girlfriend are saying that Tony deserves to know the truth.

[00:02:13] They believe it's unfair for him to enter a marriage without knowing Kate's history with me as we are family.

[00:02:19] I've moved on from the relationship, it's been two years and I don't want to dredge up old drama.

[00:02:25] Plus there's the fear of backlash.

[00:02:27] What if Tony doesn't believe me?

[00:02:29] What if he blames me for ruining his happiness?

[00:02:32] Tony is a genuinely kind and caring person and I don't want to hurt him.

[00:02:37] And there's the rest of the family to consider.

[00:02:39] My mom and aunt, Tony's mom, are extremely cultured.

[00:02:43] They're very close and I don't want to strain their relationship with this.

[00:02:46] But I also feel, if I were in Tony's shoes, I would want to know.

[00:02:51] It feels unfair to let him walk into a marriage blindfolded.

[00:02:54] Especially if there's a chance he could be hurt the same way I was.

[00:02:58] And despite my suspicions about Kate's character, Tony is genuinely in love with her.

[00:03:03] So would I be the asshole if I tell him about Kate?

[00:03:07] Damn that's such a difficult position to be put into.

[00:03:11] And I feel like it's one of those ones that no matter what decision you make in this,

[00:03:15] there's potential for damage isn't there?

[00:03:18] You know if you don't say anything down the road someone could bring up that

[00:03:22] Oh didn't you two used to date?

[00:03:24] And then they're like why didn't you tell me this before we got married

[00:03:27] and you get ran over in that way.

[00:03:29] And if you do reveal it to Tony, you know the messenger could be shot.

[00:03:34] I think Woods replying to her and saying look you need to tell him

[00:03:37] because this could come out one day and you need to tell him.

[00:03:40] I just kind of feel like one day this is all going to come out anyway.

[00:03:44] Putting myself in Tony's shoes?

[00:03:46] I would like that information, I would like to know that.

[00:03:49] To which the CDN says similar, they said if I were him I'd definitely want to know

[00:03:53] especially since you are family.

[00:03:55] The fact that she said it would ruin his life is disconcerting.

[00:03:59] It's more likely that it would ruin her life.

[00:04:02] Here's a good way out of this for you, but your sister has to agree.

[00:04:06] Get your sister to tell him as if she's doing it of her own volition

[00:04:10] and you don't know anything.

[00:04:11] Because she's a woman almost nobody in your family will blame her.

[00:04:14] She's just being a caring cousin slash big sister for Tony.

[00:04:18] Plus she agrees that Tony should know anyway.

[00:04:21] Either way he should know before the marriage.

[00:04:24] Like you said, if he ends up cheated on, once a cheater, always a cheater,

[00:04:28] you'll feel even worse for not speaking up.

[00:04:31] Opie says yeah this is what we're gonna do.

[00:04:34] My sister and I have been talking for the past hour and decided to meet with Tony in a couple of days.

[00:04:39] We're gonna tell him and show him the text Kate sent me.

[00:04:43] The ghost reborn says, Tony is genuinely kind and a caring person and I don't want to hurt him.

[00:04:49] And then says do you not want to hurt him or do you not want him to get hurt?

[00:04:53] Because you can be the cause of some pain for him now and save him a huge amount of pain later.

[00:04:59] Or you can stand back and let him get hurt on his own.

[00:05:02] If she had changed, if she was a good person now, she would have already told Tony everything already.

[00:05:07] She's not. Save him.

[00:05:10] But Opie comes in with her update 12 days later and says,

[00:05:14] I made the decision to talk to Tony about Kate and unfortunately it didn't go as smoothly as I hoped.

[00:05:20] My sister met with Tony first and told him about me and Kate.

[00:05:24] Tony then called me and asked me to meet him.

[00:05:27] When I sat down with Tony and explained the situation,

[00:05:30] Tony told me that he was aware that Kate had cheated on her ex before, but he didn't know it was with me.

[00:05:36] He kept apologizing saying he did not know.

[00:05:39] I kept saying that it's not his fault, but he looked so angry during our conversation.

[00:05:44] Tony confronted Kate and from what I heard, it wasn't pretty.

[00:05:48] Apparently she denied it at first, but eventually confessed.

[00:05:51] And I don't know what actually happened, but the police was involved.

[00:05:54] There were no charges from what I know.

[00:05:56] Since our conversation, Tony has been distant to me.

[00:05:59] He's not talking to me and I think he has blocked my number, but I understand that and I want to give him space.

[00:06:05] But I feared this happening and feel very guilty about it.

[00:06:08] And to make matters worse, this leaked to the rest of the family and my mum and aunt are furious with me for bringing up the past.

[00:06:15] They believe I acted out of spite and that it was unnecessary to interfere in Tony and Kate's relationship.

[00:06:21] They've accused me of causing unnecessary drama and jeopardizing family unity.

[00:06:26] The rest of the family seems conflicted.

[00:06:29] Some are on my side believing that Tony deserves to know the truth before getting married.

[00:06:34] Others think I overstepped and that it wasn't my place to intervene.

[00:06:37] As for Kate, she has apparently reached out to Tony to do couples counselling and Tony seemed open to it.

[00:06:44] Overall, this situation has caused more harm than good.

[00:06:47] I can't help but feel guilty for how things turned out, even though I feel that telling Tony the truth was the right thing to do.

[00:06:54] I'd like to say I'm shocked by the family's reaction to this, but I'm really not in the end.

[00:06:59] And I just find it incredibly sad because, like I said in the previous part, I think eventually this information is going to come to the surface.

[00:07:08] I don't think this is something that's going to be hid forever.

[00:07:11] Family barbecue, family gathering, something.

[00:07:14] Everyone would be sat around and then saying, oh, didn't you guys used to date?

[00:07:17] And then Tony's going to be like, what the fuck?

[00:07:20] And I think that would have caused even more damage.

[00:07:22] So the family saying this stuff that, you know, is jeopardizing family unity is just bullshit in my opinion.

[00:07:29] But what do you guys make of this situation?

[00:07:33] Put yourself in OP shoes.

[00:07:35] How would you have dealt with that?

[00:07:37] Would you have told Tony straight up?

[00:07:39] Would you have said no, I'm not having anything to do with that.

[00:07:42] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below and let's move on to another story.

[00:07:48] And this story comes from Creepy Wife Throwaway from the Am I The Arsehole Here subreddit and says,

[00:07:53] Am I the arsehole for calling my father's wife a creep?

[00:07:57] My 32 female father 60s has been married to Sasha, fake name 40s for almost a decade.

[00:08:05] I was already an adult when they started seeing each other, so I never had much of a relationship with her.

[00:08:11] That said, Sasha was nice and thoughtful, though a bit annoying at times, and I never had any problems with her.

[00:08:17] I now have a husband, 34 male, and two kids, nine male and four female.

[00:08:22] Sasha is very fond of my children, especially my daughter.

[00:08:27] That became very suffocating pretty quickly so we started setting some boundaries.

[00:08:32] She never overstepped them.

[00:08:34] In January, my father and Sasha decided to go on a trip to Disney World and invited us to join them.

[00:08:40] We decided to go celebrate our son's ninth birthday.

[00:08:44] I quickly regretted coming along.

[00:08:46] Sasha spent the entire trip fussing over my daughter in ways that overstepped almost every boundary we'd set.

[00:08:53] Examples include,

[00:08:54] Sasha bought a mini ears tiara.

[00:08:57] She wanted me to buy my daughter an identical one so they could match.

[00:09:02] My daughter didn't like the tiara so I bought her a Donald Duck hat instead.

[00:09:07] Sasha got her the tiara anyway and was upset that she didn't want to wear it.

[00:09:12] My father and Sasha went shopping in between parks.

[00:09:15] I told them not to buy my kids anything and we still had shopping to do and didn't want to risk making our bags too heavy.

[00:09:22] Still, Sasha returned with five bags of clothing for my daughter and two for my son saying she couldn't resist it.

[00:09:29] My daughter wanted a bell costume to wear at the parks and that's her favorite princess.

[00:09:34] Sasha tried to convince her to get an Ariel costume instead because that's her favorite.

[00:09:40] I explained that we never watched the Little Mermaid at home because my daughter is scared of Ursula.

[00:09:45] Sasha insisted on taking dozens of pictures with my daughter in front of the castle at Magic Kingdom.

[00:09:51] She also took some with my son, but not nearly as many.

[00:09:55] She tried to convince us to take our daughter to Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique.

[00:10:00] We refused because the prices are crazy and we'd already bought her the bell costume.

[00:10:05] She offered to pay but we held our ground.

[00:10:08] I later found out Sasha tried to make a reservation anyway, but there was no availability.

[00:10:13] When we took our daughter to Slinky Dog Dash, her first roller coaster, Sasha tried to sit next to her.

[00:10:20] My daughter wanted to sit with me so we switched.

[00:10:23] She tried to do the same thing in other attractions.

[00:10:27] At the Muppets Theater she tried to get my daughter to sit in her lap.

[00:10:31] Sasha also tried to pick her up while we met some of the characters.

[00:10:35] There were more instances.

[00:10:37] The final straw for me however was the last part of the trip.

[00:10:41] We were at Magic Kingdom.

[00:10:43] My husband suffered a minor injury and I had to take him to the first aid station.

[00:10:47] The kids wanted to go to the Peter Pan ride so my dad and Sasha offered to take them in the meantime.

[00:10:53] However, according to my father the line was too long so instead Sasha suggested the Little Mermaid ride.

[00:11:00] Assuring my kids Ursula wasn't on it.

[00:11:03] Actually, there's a pretty big Ursula animatronic there.

[00:11:07] My daughter was still sobbing and hugging her brother when we reunited.

[00:11:11] When we flew back home I told my father that we'd no longer take our children on trips with Sasha due to her behavior.

[00:11:18] He got extremely angry.

[00:11:20] He said his wife loved my kids, thought about what they'd like to do at every moment of the trip

[00:11:25] and that we should be grateful to have her in our lives.

[00:11:28] I lost my temper at that.

[00:11:30] I told them Sasha was a fucking creep and they should be grateful I was still okay with them even seeing my children after her actions during the trip.

[00:11:39] We ended up having a huge fight after that.

[00:11:42] It's been weeks since we returned home and my father is still angry at me and my husband.

[00:11:46] Sasha has texted me a few times.

[00:11:48] She says she's sorry if she made me uncomfortable,

[00:11:51] but that she loves my kids and hopes to use the trip to spend more time with them.

[00:11:56] To be honest, I don't think I'm the asshole here.

[00:11:58] I do think I might have overreacted.

[00:12:01] I believe there's a chance Sasha's actions were motivated by love and she truly did have good intentions.

[00:12:07] Am I the asshole?

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[00:13:09] Plushcare.com slash weight loss.

[00:13:11] And look, I'm no psychologist, but I suspect there's something more going on with Sasha and her behavior here.

[00:13:18] But for her to continually overstep boundaries like that is just not right,

[00:13:23] especially when we got to the Little Mermaid ride

[00:13:27] and she knew this four-year-old was terrified of Ursula but decided to take her on a ride where,

[00:13:32] of course, you know, come on, my Little Mermaid ride, she's going to appear at some point on that ride.

[00:13:38] It's just logical, right?

[00:13:39] And scare the shit out of this poor kid.

[00:13:41] There were some people asking questions of OP, so Pickabeday username says,

[00:13:45] You're not the asshole because you have your children's best interests at heart.

[00:13:49] But it may benefit you and your dad's relationship to understand why Sasha is like she is.

[00:13:54] Overstepping boundaries is easier for someone when they believe it's for a good cause or to have fun in a safe way.

[00:14:00] Does she have kids of her own?

[00:14:02] Can she not have kids of her own?

[00:14:03] Does she maybe see the kids as her grandkids?

[00:14:06] It's a difficult one, but getting to the source of that could make the whole thing healthier.

[00:14:10] But on the other hand, it's not your job to put that work in when it's your father's relationship.

[00:14:16] All I'd suggest you do is explain to your father you set boundaries and regardless of intention,

[00:14:21] Sasha broke them, which you do not condone.

[00:14:24] Good luck.

[00:14:25] OP says Sasha doesn't have children of her own.

[00:14:28] My father has me and my sister and has always been open about not wanting more kids.

[00:14:33] They're married, so I'm assuming she doesn't want kids either.

[00:14:36] I also don't think she sees my kids as grandchildren.

[00:14:39] She's always referred to herself as Aunt Sasha instead.

[00:14:42] When I got pregnant with my son, she commented she was too young to be a grandma.

[00:14:48] Significantcat3 says not the asshole, you set some pretty clear boundaries that Sasha kept crossing the entire trip.

[00:14:55] Even your daughter seems to not be particularly receptive towards her.

[00:14:58] Also, your son can probably pick up on this favoritism and that's not good for him either.

[00:15:03] I don't mean to do armchair psychology, but this reads like Sasha has always wanted a young daughter

[00:15:08] and is using yours to live vicariously through.

[00:15:11] Hence why she kept trying to push things that your daughter doesn't like onto her.

[00:15:15] Tiara, Little Mermaid Ride, etc.

[00:15:18] OP says my son doesn't like Sasha.

[00:15:21] I'm not sure why, but I think he gets that she favors my daughter.

[00:15:24] He's also very protective of his sister, so her discomfort could be a reason.

[00:15:30] BeautifulStory says not the asshole, but she sounds exhausting.

[00:15:34] But, but, she also doesn't seem like a truly awful person.

[00:15:39] So we started setting some boundaries.

[00:15:41] She never overstepped them.

[00:15:43] Question. Does she have children of her own?

[00:15:46] She probably sees your kids as a chance to play mummy if she never had kids.

[00:15:50] She may not be aware of exactly how intrusive she's being.

[00:15:53] Looks like there's a 20 year age gap between she and your dad.

[00:15:57] She probably thought she'd be okay with not having kids.

[00:16:00] I'm guessing your dad may have told her that he's done having babies,

[00:16:03] but your little ones, especially your daughter, may have just stirred up those feelings and she's trying to compensate.

[00:16:09] I still don't think you're the asshole, but maybe have an honest talk with her.

[00:16:13] Just you and her.

[00:16:14] And try to show a little grace.

[00:16:16] My apologies if you've done all that already.

[00:16:18] And she's still being a pill.

[00:16:20] OP responds saying you're right about a lot of things.

[00:16:23] She doesn't have kids.

[00:16:24] My dad doesn't want more children.

[00:16:26] And while she's defined herself as child free before,

[00:16:29] she's also told me she's always wondered what having a daughter would be like.

[00:16:33] My husband and I started setting boundaries because the situation was really bad when my daughter was younger.

[00:16:38] She'd wake her up from her naps when she visited,

[00:16:40] post pictures of her on social media without our approval,

[00:16:43] and complain about almost every parenting decision we'd make because it wasn't how she'd do it.

[00:16:50] So OP comes in with an update and says, Hey everyone, I'm ready to give you an update.

[00:16:54] I read your comments and came to the following conclusion.

[00:16:57] As much as Sasha's behaviour towards my children angered me and freaked me out,

[00:17:01] calling her a creep was the wrong reaction to have.

[00:17:05] That said, I think it's best for my family to distance itself from Sasha for the time being.

[00:17:10] And at the very least, my previous decision to avoid future trips with her based on the Disney trip

[00:17:15] is still the best course of action.

[00:17:17] Sasha's pushiness, tendency to override my and my husband's parenting,

[00:17:21] and blatant favouritism towards my daughter were much worse when the kids were younger.

[00:17:26] After my daughter's birth, she began to focus too much attention on her and almost none on my son.

[00:17:32] I gave more examples of that in the comments on my original post.

[00:17:35] That's the reason we set boundaries in the first place.

[00:17:39] The way she fusses over my daughter also bothers me.

[00:17:42] When we had the boundary conversation with my father and Sasha,

[00:17:46] she told us that she'd always wondered what having a daughter would be like.

[00:17:49] She also defined herself as child free before, so I was never certain what to think of that.

[00:17:54] Either way, that reassured me and my husband that we're doing the best for our kids.

[00:18:00] Those boundaries had never overstepped.

[00:18:03] Then we went on the Disney trip and most of them were completely ignored.

[00:18:07] Many of you pointed out that she might have gotten carried away or that Disney is exciting

[00:18:12] and she wanted to make sure my kids had the best experience, etc.

[00:18:16] There are two things I'll say to that.

[00:18:18] The first is that whatever Sasha's reasons were, she still overstepped our boundaries.

[00:18:23] When we first set those, we told her that doing so would have consequences.

[00:18:27] If it's Disney or not, I don't see a reason to make an exception.

[00:18:30] Secondly, she wasn't trying to ensure my kids had the best experience.

[00:18:35] She was still pushing them to fulfill her fantasy of what their Disney trip should look like.

[00:18:39] She repeatedly ignored my children's wishes in favour of her own,

[00:18:43] despite them both being very clear about what they wanted and didn't want.

[00:18:47] Sasha also continually favoured my daughter, including during my son's birthday,

[00:18:54] and fussed over her in ways that made her uncomfortable.

[00:18:57] And I still haven't forgiven the little mermaid thing.

[00:19:00] My daughter is still a bit shy and takes a while to open up to most people,

[00:19:04] so knowing her trust was broken like that angers me in ways I can't describe.

[00:19:08] To put it in simpler terms, my children aren't props

[00:19:12] and whoever treats them as such will, at the very least, be put in time out.

[00:19:17] I called my father and Sasha on Saturday.

[00:19:19] I apologise for calling Sasha a creep, but told them that we needed some time apart.

[00:19:24] They won't see my family until my younger sister's birthday in late April.

[00:19:28] If that goes well, they'll be invited to my daughter's fifth birthday party in May.

[00:19:32] After that, we'll slowly work on re-establishing contact.

[00:19:36] I also said that if they overstepped our boundaries again,

[00:19:39] the consequences would be more dire.

[00:19:41] My father didn't take it well. I don't care.

[00:19:45] Sasha sent me a text with more apologies,

[00:19:47] followed by a request to at least FaceTime my kids every now and then.

[00:19:51] I said no.

[00:19:52] And to those who said my controlling behaviour ruined the trip,

[00:19:56] my kids had an amazing time at Disney World.

[00:19:59] They're both still talking about it.

[00:20:01] My daughter keeps asking us to put her pictures with the characters she met up on the wall

[00:20:05] and my son says he had the best birthday ever.

[00:20:08] I think that's it. Thank you for your advice and support on my first post.

[00:20:13] And there was a couple of comments which OP replied to, so Canyon says,

[00:20:16] you protected your children and that's the best thing you can do in any situation.

[00:20:20] I'm glad they're still talking about the trip.

[00:20:22] Despite favouritism and the Ursula animatronic,

[00:20:25] which means you and your husband managed to outshine all of that with wonderful memories.

[00:20:29] With a possible reconciliation.

[00:20:31] Everyone can act normal for a day.

[00:20:33] The birthday in late April, especially if they know there's a goal post on that day.

[00:20:37] It's the behaviour over time that counts.

[00:20:39] If they still message you, requesting FaceTime calls and calling you unreasonable,

[00:20:43] despite you clearly saying you weren't no contact, you could begin a tally.

[00:20:48] One point for each request when there's X amount of points there,

[00:20:51] have their time extended because they obviously don't understand boundaries yet.

[00:20:55] OP says that's great advice.

[00:20:57] We don't want to go no contact, but we will if our boundaries are disrespected.

[00:21:02] Knowing my father, a tally wouldn't be well received.

[00:21:06] I'm doing my best to avoid turning this into a bigger fight,

[00:21:09] but that kind of system would probably make things worse.

[00:21:12] It might be worth a shot though.

[00:21:14] I'll talk to my husband about it.

[00:21:16] Scarlet May West says thanks for the update.

[00:21:19] You're doing the right thing and are prepared if your father and Sasha keep trying to push against your boundaries.

[00:21:24] Make sure anyone who might take their side is fully aware of the consequences of trying to mediate or help them.

[00:21:30] OP says thankfully no one's taken their sides.

[00:21:33] At most, my sister said I'd been cruel to them.

[00:21:37] A commenter says to OP if she's spoken with her daughter about being uncomfortable with Sasha.

[00:21:42] OP says thank you for sharing that.

[00:21:44] It's always been clear that my daughter was uncomfortable with Sasha's behavior,

[00:21:47] which is why we made so many efforts to reinforce our boundaries.

[00:21:50] Timid or not, she was very vocal about what she wanted,

[00:21:53] be it our company, not Sasha's, or specific rides and souvenirs.

[00:21:58] In spite of that, I know we didn't shelter our daughter from everything.

[00:22:01] She's only four, so I know the situation was a lot for her to process,

[00:22:05] and she can't articulate her feelings as well as her brother can.

[00:22:08] But she's not looking forward to seeing Sasha anytime soon,

[00:22:11] and I intend to respect that.

[00:22:13] I just randomly looked on YouTube for the animatronic Ursula that's on one of these rides,

[00:22:18] and that's fucking terrifying for me.

[00:22:20] Holy moly.

[00:22:21] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:22:24] Now just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved in today's stories.

[00:22:28] Your love, your support, your time always means the absolute world to me.

[00:22:32] So thank you so, so much truly.

[00:22:34] You know, I know I say after every single video,

[00:22:37] but I also know how important time is out of our days.

[00:22:42] So for you to be spending a bit of that with me,

[00:22:45] listen to a couple of stories, getting involved in the comments,

[00:22:48] and just sharing your love to one another as well,

[00:22:50] it's just absolutely mind blowing.

[00:22:52] It's incredible.

[00:22:53] Please keep being you, and I will see you in the next one.

[00:22:57] Take care and much love.

[00:23:56] Come celebrate Mother's Day at Whole Foods Market.