I KNOCKED On My Girlfriend's Door And It DESTROYED My Relationship r/Relationships

[00:00:01] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider? Hit that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:17] Now today's first story is from the Today I Messed Up subreddit. And it says today I, well, it's fucked up by knocking on my girlfriend's door. My girlfriend lives in my apartment complex and I met her one day in September when I was out walking my dog. We ended up going on a date that same night and pretty much instantly hit it off and started hanging out with each other almost every day. We would spend whole days together on weekends and we did so many fun things together.

[00:00:46] I really enjoyed her company and started falling for her. My girlfriend warned me in November that from mid month to December 15th, she would be unavailable. I thought that meant I wouldn't be able to see her that often. I didn't know that it meant communication from her would become almost non-existent. She stopped texting me the usual I miss you or saying good night, handsome. It started going longer between texts. After half a week of this, I talked with her and asked me,

[00:01:16] if she was okay and if we were okay. She explained that we were okay and she was just incredibly busy and all she really has the capacity for is work and sleep and maybe stopping to eat. But she apologized for making me feel anxious and said she would try.

[00:01:32] Well, time went on and it got to be two weeks since we had spent any time together. I'd gone to see her a few times for maybe five minutes in passing. Then my texts and calls started going unanswered. She had told me the last time we were able to speak on the phone that if I ended up getting off early enough on the following Saturday, I could come over for a bit and we could hang out. I called her that night and it rang to voicemail.

[00:01:55] I walked my dog when I got home and when I walked by her apartment, I saw that all the lights were off. So when I got home, I texted that it looked like she had passed out and I hope she got some good sleep. I didn't hear back from her for three full days. It didn't look to me like her car ever moved out of her driveway. I never saw her lights on passing by her house. I started to get worried about her because I know she struggles with certain health issues. It's super stressed and hates her job. It seems like she suffers from symptoms of depression.

[00:02:25] So I text her just saying I wanted to check on her and it makes me feel worried when I don't hear back from her for this long from her. I still didn't hear anything that day. By the following day, I was extremely worried about her. I couldn't think about anything else. I reached out to her best friend and asked when the last time she heard from her was. She told me it was the prior week. I expressed my worry and said I wanted to give her space but that I was getting worried and I was thinking about going to check on her.

[00:02:52] Her friend told me that four days is plenty of space and that I should go check on her. I went home on my lunch break and I walked over to her house. My anxiety was in my throat. It was still dark in her house from what I could see. Her blinds were all closed. I knocked on the front door. No answer. I rang the doorbell. No answer. I knocked again a bit harder. No answer. I rang the doorbell again. No answer. I knocked hard enough that I felt like she'd be able to hear it from the bedroom. No answer.

[00:03:22] I had my phone out with a text message up and I started seeing the typing bubble. I'm on a fucking client call. Stop knocking. I immediately left. I sent a text message saying sorry. I was just really worried about her. I thought more and added a little later on that I realized I went overboard with the knocking and I was really sorry. It went another full day and I didn't hear back. I talked to my father who said it doesn't seem like she is communicating, treating you very well.

[00:03:49] I told him I just wanted to talk to her and I had half a mind to go knock on her door now at night just to talk with her and let her know what is going on in my mind. But I was worried about looking crazy or ruining things further. He asked me how much would change from how things have been going. At least if I did this and I could talk with her, I would have an answer. So I wrote a text telling her I was going to stop by him for five minutes just to chat for a bit and that this was really important that we talked. I went over and rang the doorbell. No answer.

[00:04:20] So I went home and wrote a text telling her how much I liked her and how this whole situation was making me feel. How I was feeling like I was being ignored and being treated less than. How I needed some communication. How a single text every once in a while would go such a long way. I told her this wasn't a you need to call me tonight or it's over. But that I needed to hear from her. I woke up the following morning to see she had sent me a long text around 4am. Telling me how busy she's been which I knew.

[00:04:49] How she has barely had any capacity to even get to her desk. That she has been working 14 hours a day and just crashing. Telling me that she had already told me she'd be unavailable. She said coming to her door while she was working and banging on it was incredibly uncalled for. She said her car had clearly been moved. She said that me doing that while I knew she'd be unavailable and she was at work. She worked from home. During work hours is a hard line for her.

[00:05:15] I didn't know that unavailable meant zero contact or being able to see her at all. But regardless in one fell swoop I ended my relationship with someone I cared about deeply. All because I couldn't get a grip on my anxiety and be patient. To me it just felt like she was using this as an excuse as some sort of shitty way to end your relationship. Yeah and don't get it. It's awful. It's an awful way to end a relationship. And this isn't about your anxiety. It's just basic human decency.

[00:05:44] If you're dating someone and you live literally a walking distance away. Going completely dark for days isn't being unavailable. It's being dismissive and disrespectful. And I don't blame you for knocking on her door either. Because she was concerned for her safety. Her friend hadn't heard from her. You hadn't heard from her. You know there were some issues going on in the background. Of course you're going to be concerned for someone that you care about. And I failed to believe that they couldn't find 10 seconds.

[00:06:13] That's all it takes to send a quick text message. Just saying yeah I'm okay we'll talk later. Or send a message later of some sort. It's not difficult. But some of the comments on this. One said she's not for you. Move along. I don't get this shit. Another said I don't care how busy someone is. If they can't take 30 seconds to be like I'm sorry I'm swamped. Talk later. Then you're nowhere on their list of priorities. Another one says no man you didn't lose anything. She ghosted you. She left you. And didn't want to make it official.

[00:06:44] Unavailable does not mean disappear into the void. It means I won't have time for dinner or hanging out. Another says if she couldn't carve out 5 minutes here and there. To even say oh man that was just a rough day. I can't wait till busy time is over and we can hang out again. Then she's not making any effort. It was never a good relationship. Be sad. Talk to friends and family. Feel better. And move on. You deserve better out of a partner. Good luck.

[00:07:11] So OP came in with her update and says my last post kind of blew up. So I figured some people might appreciate an update. I mentioned at the end of my original post that she sent me a long text the following morning. Telling me how much I had fucked up and crossed a hard line. I did respond to that text with an apology. Saying that I did let my anxiety control me. And I wanted to work on things. And I was going into therapy to work on my own issues. She didn't explicitly say that we're over. So I asked her for clarification on where we stood.

[00:07:40] If she was done. I said outside of that I would not contact her until I heard back from her. As of today it's been 12 days. She's not responded to me at all. The last 12 days have been horrible for my mental well being. I decided yesterday to just move on and give myself my own closure. I realized a lot of important things through this experience. I realized that I didn't do anything wrong. Unavailable does not mean you disappear and drop off the earth for days at a time. Ignoring the outside world.

[00:08:10] I did nothing wrong by going to check on her. I did what I did out of love, caring and worry. I did what I would hope a partner would do for me. No one is too busy to text a single time in 4 days. I realized that I need to take care of myself and assert my own boundaries. I learned some important needs and expectations I have of relationships. I learned about my own codependent and anxious tendencies that I need to work on. I realized there were a lot of red flags about this woman that I was ignoring.

[00:08:40] In the past 12 days I've taken up meditation, journaling, daily practice of gratitude. I've gotten into therapy and back into the gym. I've talked with her best friend again, who hasn't heard from her in about as long as I have. The silence isn't personal to just me. Which did make me feel a little better at one point. However now I'm still upset. I'm mad at the way I've been treated throughout the whole process. I know this is an extremely busy time for her and I know she's struggling.

[00:09:09] But I still have needs and she decided to be my girlfriend. Needs that she is apparently for any reason incapable of meeting. Leaving someone who loves and cares about you in the dark for 12 days when you live a 3 minute walk from each other is unkind at best. I still don't know what is going on in her head and I don't know if I ever will. I would still be open to talking with her and hearing her out. I'm extremely unlikely to take her back though. I deserve better. I think my biggest realization is that I can give myself closure.

[00:09:39] I can detach and take care of myself and still love her and others around me. I wish I could snap my fingers and be over her. But I know that it's going to take a little bit. Thank you for all the reassurance, kind words and those who reached out to support. I like that update for OP and I think that's what growth looks like. You went from blaming yourself for not getting a grip on your anxiety to recognizing the actual truth about the situation.

[00:10:05] That you know, checking in on someone who cares about you gone dark isn't wrong. It's normal. No one is too busy for a 30 second swamped or text later message for multiple days. Her being unavailable doesn't justify completely ghosting someone who lives minutes away. And instead of letting this bring you down, you've turned it into an opportunity for growth for yourself, therapy, meditation, exercise and most importantly,

[00:10:32] better understanding of your own worth and your own boundaries. The only thing I would extra say to this and I don't wish her any ill will or anything like that, but for OP's perspective, she's chosen not to hear you out for God knows how many days, making you feel crazy for being concerned about her. She made those choices for you with no concern. Move on, brother. Move on. But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys. What do you guys make of this situation?

[00:11:02] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And let's move on to another story. Now, our next story comes from Eastside West from the True Off My Chest subreddit. And before we do get into it, I want to give you a warning in case you want to skip it. There's discussions of child sexual abuse within the story, so please feel free to skip it if you want to. This is titled, My Mom Explained Why She's Always Been Partial to My Sister.

[00:11:30] Okay, so I, 17 male, have a twin sister and if I'm being honest, our mom has always seemed more partial to her. She's always far quicker to give her hugs and compliments and she seems a bit more emotionally distant to me. I've noticed it my whole life and I've tried not to let it bother me. But things finally came to a head recently. I don't want to really get into the inciting incident that started this. Long story short, we've been looking at colleges and I was upset

[00:11:58] because it seemed like she wanted my sister to stay local more than she wanted me to. And I told her she loved my sister more than me our whole lives and she didn't give a shit about me and I'm still not sure why. Today, she came into my room and asked if we could talk. And she said there's something she felt it was time to tell me. Then she opened up about her childhood, something she's never done, and explained that her father abused her sexually. And she had brothers who abused her too.

[00:12:25] And it's instilled a deep disdain towards men in her. She told me she's been meaning to go to therapy and get help, but she told me it breaks her heart that she ever made me feel like she loved me less than my sister. And she's been trying my whole life to get the fuck over it and grow up. And that it breaks her heart that I haven't been the mum I deserve. She started crying and I hugged her and told her I loved her and she was a great mum and I was lucky to have her. Afterwards, I suggested that we go out to dinner, just the two of us, and I could pay.

[00:12:55] And she said she'd take me up on that under the condition she'd pay. So we had a really nice dinner. And we talked and I felt connected with her in a way I hadn't before. I can't really explain it, but I felt like I saw her and she saw me in a different but good way. Overall, gonna be honest, I feel terrible because I feel like I made her trauma all about me. She's a wonderful person and I don't know why I'd accuse her of not loving me like she loves my sister.

[00:13:23] All I know is that I'm gonna be better to her and understand that she's doing her best, as we all are. That's all. Just figured I'd share somewhere. Edit. Okay, yes. My mum has been making mistakes with not getting treatment and how she's been more partial to my sister than me. However, that doesn't mean she's a horrible mother like a bunch of comments are insinuating. She's a human being in pain and she was able to admit when she did something wrong. And just so everyone knows, she did make some calls and has an intake therapy appointment on Wednesday.

[00:13:53] If I make my mother sound like she hated me or was blatantly awful to me, she doesn't and she isn't. I love her and she loves me and we're going to do better from now on. Consistent ads says COP. Don't feel bad. You didn't know her history but you had a right to talk with her about her behavior with you. Our fellow says exactly. This is clearly a trauma response. Even if his is nowhere near the same level as his mum's, this is still a textbook example of generational trauma being passed down and hopefully healing.

[00:14:23] He was right to make his feelings known and it seems like his mum is responding appropriately. Bitter animator says she needed to be told since she clearly was blind to what he was, what she has and was doing to you. Hopefully you can now build a relationship. A month later, OP came in with her first update and said so I made a post last month talking about how my mother opened up to me about why she's always seemed more partial to my sister.

[00:14:49] I was going to post an update two weeks ago but the Reddit app crashed and I lost the post as I was close to finish with it and I rage quit and lost the drive to write another one. That being said, thank you to some of the people commenting asking for an update. You helped bring the drive back. For those of you who hadn't read my original post, to make a long story short, my mother was sexually abused her whole childhood by almost every single one of the men in her life including her father, older brothers and some older students at school.

[00:15:19] These horrible experiences ended up instilling a deep disdain towards men inside of my mother and my whole life I always felt like she connected with my sister more than me. And made more of an effort to connect with her than me and I confronted her about it recently. Then for the first time she told me what had happened in her childhood to make her more partial to women and I agreed to get therapy to help her with her problems. So before I get into my updates, a few things.

[00:15:45] First, people were asking about my father and well, I've never met him. My mother has never told us about him aside from the fact that he left her to mother us all by herself at the last second. Like really, all by herself. We didn't have any family members we talked to. Additionally, people accused her of telling me the story to manipulate me and get herself a pass. That's just not true. Additionally, people accused her of telling me the story to manipulate me and get herself a pass. And that's just not true.

[00:16:15] If you want to argue that she wasn't taking care of herself in the way she should have, then sure, you're not wrong. However, she's not abusive or shitty like that. She's just a person in pain. Now, on to the update. She goes to therapy on Monday afternoons and I've been going with her to her sessions and we get dinner afterwards. To be honest, the main reason I started going with her is to make sure she goes. And that's been going well. She walked out one of the sessions crying this month. And that's just how it goes sometimes.

[00:16:44] I've also been seeing eye to eye with my mom in a way I never really have. And I've been getting along better with my sister. Who she also ended up telling about her childhood. And my sister has been insanely compassionate towards both me and our mom. And sometimes will intentionally leave my mother and I alone so we can bond. And don't make any mistake. She's trying her damnedest to connect with me. She's been asking me questions about my hobbies and engaging in them with me. And I do believe she's a great mom.

[00:17:13] And I close this out with an uplifting story from a few nights ago. So my sister and I watched some TV together. And we're up late so we started heading to bed. But heard our mom in her bed crying. We looked at each other and neither of us knew why she was crying. But I know she's been in pain. So I went inside and without saying anything, lied down in her bed next to her. She stopped crying and seemed surprised. But then my sister came into the room and also without saying a word, got into bed next to us. My mom started crying again.

[00:17:40] A good cry this time and gave us both a hug and said I love you guys. And the three of us all went to sleep together. It genuinely made me feel like my sister and I were little kids again. Obviously we had a lot less space than we did back then and were packed tightly together. But it was wonderful and reminded me of the old days when we'd all fall asleep together. Anyway, yeah that's the update. Thank you to all the people who were commenting asking me to post the update.

[00:18:06] And to anyone who left a supportive comment on my last post, it means a lot. Max Zaddy says to OP, I'm glad to hear your mom is healing little by little. Just wanted to acknowledge how huge it is for her to not panic when you first went to cuddle with her. She was able to connect with you in a special way that she probably couldn't before. OP says, The cynical part of me wonders if she wasn't comfortable until my sister got in the bed. However, I still take it as a victory she trusted me enough to fall asleep with me in that situation.

[00:18:36] Hell yeah. Max Zaddy replied saying, Your cynical part of your brain is valid and normal considering the past and her trauma. But she didn't try pushing you out or panic. It was definitely a victory. Sending everyone a hug. Speak of it says, OP says, I'm not smart enough for some of the big schools like my sister is. One of the reasons I thought my mom loved her more than me. And to be honest,

[00:19:03] I've come to realize that goddamn community college is seriously underutilized. So I'm probably going to stay local. Also, a lot of the stuff I love relating to my hobbies is here. So that makes it a pretty appealing option. Speak of it quoted OP said, I'm not smart enough and says, Community college is a great opportunity. My child's grades through high school were average. They enrolled in community college. After two years, they decided school is cool. With two associate's degrees earned, they were accepted and enrolled into state college,

[00:19:32] close to home. Bachelor's degree acquired. Now after applying for a master's program, they've been accepted by 13 different schools. So you never know OP. Please don't think that you're not smart enough. Some folks take a little longer to connect all the dots of life. And receive what school offers. Also, good on you for sticking with your hobbies. OP says, One of the managers at my job told me, if he could do it all over again, he'd go to community college, then transfer. It's so much cheaper too.

[00:20:02] Two months later, OP comes in with another update and says, So I figured I'd post another update. I've made posts about my mother who explained to me how she was sexually abused by all the men in her childhood, which is why she's always been partial to my twin sister. And you can just go to my post history to see the full story because I don't particularly care to summarize it again. This one's not as happy. Ever since I first confronted her about it, I've had this sense of resentment towards her I've been trying to compartmentalize and deal with later,

[00:20:32] or at least in my own therapy sessions. As of late, it's been getting harder to ignore them. And over the weekend, I lost my temper and yelled at her asking why she thought it was okay to wait so long to get help and how she probably wouldn't have done anything if I didn't call her out for her bullshit. She heard me out and started crying, saying the only thing she can say is, I'm right. And I've always deserved a mom who would outwardly love me as much as my sister. And it breaks her heart, I didn't get that mother. And all she can say is that she's sorry and hopes I can forgive her someday.

[00:21:02] I didn't say anything in return and just left the house. I haven't confronted her since and I know she feels bad and the shitty part of me feels good about that. But I know she needs all the support she can get. So it's just a shitty situation all around. This is probably above Reddit's pay grade, but I figured I'd post it anyway. One Amazing Day says, to me, this is a good sign and part of the grieving and healing process. Obviously, you're a kind person who understands intellectually that your mother was deeply traumatized.

[00:21:31] But on a personal level, as her child, should not stay bottled up or create your own lifelong trauma. And I suspect your mom knows this, given that she responded by validating your point of view. She knows better than anyone that the pain you feel needs to be addressed somehow. And by talking about it and taking the time in between the angry moments to remind yourself, yourself and her, that you do love her, but you still have a lot of conflicting feelings, you'll really get okay eventually.

[00:22:01] Don't hide how you feel. Nick says, have you had a chance to talk to someone about it? I think this is something you'll feel for a long time. If you don't talk to someone about it, it might affect other parts of your life. Opie says, yes, I'm seeing a therapist. 10 months later, Opie says, I was thinking today and randomly remembered a year ago, I, 18 male, posted about me telling my mom that she's obviously always loved my twin more than me. And then,

[00:22:30] explaining how she grew up in a house with a father who regularly sexually assaulted and raped her. And she projected that disdain towards men onto me. Since then, my mother, my sister and I have been seeing our own individual therapists and we've had several group sessions together. So today, my sister is away at college and I stay local and go to community college. Something, I think I mentioned in my old post, was my mom was pushing me away to go to school and encourage my sister to stay local. Funny how that happens. Anyway,

[00:23:00] my sister is coming back home this week for the holidays, but I've honestly really enjoyed it here with my mom. She's been making an effort lately to engage with me the things I'm passionate about and I'm a big movie fan. So I've been showing her my favorite movies over the past few months. She's made an insane amount of progress as well and I'm so proud of her. We have a wonderful relationship. It certainly wasn't always pretty over the past year and even though the work isn't always easy, the payoff is certainly worth it.

[00:23:30] So yeah, we're doing a lot better than we were when I made the original post last year. Kaleidoscope says, this is fucking great news. I remember your old post. I'm glad everything is working out and that you're coming together as a loving family. Brooklyn Campbell says, glad to see some good coming out of tough conversations and actual effort put into healing. Lawn Mum says, this is a sweet update. Thank you for taking the time to help your mom

[00:23:59] feel more comfortable. Opie says, and I'm happy she took the time to understand she was hurting me. Team effort. Oh dear, those bloody onion ninjas again they're lurking around sod off. And I can't express enough the happiness it brought me to see them both healing in the way they did. You know, the situation isn't great. The way that Opie was treated growing up, you know, what mum went through and stuff. I can also understand her not getting that therapy

[00:24:28] when she was younger and up to that point. It's just so complex. People's feelings and thoughts are just so complex. Yeah, in an ideal world she would have got that therapy but I've seen this in real life. I know someone that was, when I was younger there was a big gang of us when we was younger. You know, when we mixed girls, boys, it didn't matter. We played with each other no matter what and none of us really suspected anything but when we grew up and we're all in our 20s we found out that two or three of our friends

[00:24:58] were abused by an older guy when they were younger. Like when we all used to hang about together and it's by a guy who was a few years older than the rest of us but used to hang around the area with us and occasionally talked to us and stuff and it's so confused. It's so messed up because it's like none of us saw it apart from these poor girls that went through it and one day it came out in a therapy session what had happened to them in their later years you know, because they were traumatized by what happened to them and then he got put away for 15 to 16 years

[00:25:27] and the list of stuff it's just it's messed up but I'm so glad in this story for them and I really really do wish them all the best moving forward but now I'm going to turn this one to you guys what do you guys make of this situation let us know your thoughts down in the comments below and just a huge thank you for being here today getting involved in the stories your love your support your time

[00:25:57] it always means the absolute world to me so thank you so so much and hopefully I'll see you in the next one take care and much love