I Gave My Fiance An ULTIMATUM To Cut Off His Late Wife's Family r/Relationships

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[00:00:54] Today's first story comes from the Am I The Arsehole Here subreddit.

[00:00:57] From CutoffFamilyThrowaway

[00:00:58] Am I the arsehole here for forcing my fiance into cutting off his late wife's family?

[00:01:07] Am I the arsehole for forcing my fiance into cutting off his late wife's family?

[00:01:12] I 25 female am getting married to my fiance 29 male in May. When we first got together

[00:01:18] he told me he was married from 20-22 years old to his high school sweetheart we met when

[00:01:24] he was 25 but she passed from sepsis from a botched surgery. He didn't cope well and stayed

[00:01:30] in contact with her family, namely father and two sisters 19 and 24. It was a soft spot for me

[00:01:38] for a while at the beginning because there was so much history they had and it was tough knowing

[00:01:43] that she was all around him. I never told him and decided to work through it on my own,

[00:01:47] especially with the fact that he would often spend time with her family during our

[00:01:51] relationship, her birthday, their anniversary and anniversary of her death. He'd spend the day

[00:01:57] with her family. I was uncomfortable at first knowing the man I loved was reminiscing about

[00:02:03] the love he had for someone else but I kept trying to see it from his perspective

[00:02:07] and the last couple of years I'm completely secure in our relationship and it doesn't

[00:02:12] bother me much anymore. Well he proposed this time last year and I was over the moon.

[00:02:18] I love this man with all my heart but I recently learned that he never told him that we got

[00:02:23] engaged. I've been trying local coffee shops the past few months rather than my usual run

[00:02:28] and tried a new one. His late wife's sister worked there and other than being awkward she

[00:02:33] did a double take of my engagement ring and looked really unhappy. I didn't mention it

[00:02:38] and left. My fiance told me that she kept messaging him on social media about it and

[00:02:43] wasn't happy that he kept it a secret. He apologized and was very depleted by it all.

[00:02:49] He said that he didn't want to hide me but he didn't want to hurt them either

[00:02:53] and that both of us were a huge part of his life. I understand that and let him off the

[00:02:59] hook slightly, just told him to be upfront with them from now on. That was that. At least

[00:03:04] I thought so. A week ago on Sunday I got a message from the 24 year old asking if I

[00:03:10] was happy with myself, that I would never replace his late wife and that if she was still alive

[00:03:15] he'd choose her over me every time. She even said that only kept me around for money and

[00:03:21] something to stick his dick in. I ignored it but I can't say that it didn't affect me.

[00:03:27] When you're in my position all these points are ones you have to work through and it's

[00:03:31] not easy to get over those insecurities. It feels like a knock in the teeth when they're

[00:03:35] used against you. I mentioned it to him and he comforted me and reassured me.

[00:03:40] He said he'd set boundaries with her and I'd never have to hear from her again,

[00:03:45] blind by me. That was until I found my car with whore and grey robber smeared in red paint.

[00:03:51] I'd saved for this car for a year and it was expensive, very expensive. The tyres were

[00:03:58] slashed and the windows cracked. I asked the store a few doors down for their CCTV camera

[00:04:03] footage of that night but it was blurry and didn't catch much. It did manage to catch

[00:04:08] half a license plate though and the colour and make of the car. It was his late wife's youngest

[00:04:13] sister's car. I told him I was filing a police report and he asked me to hold off

[00:04:18] until he talked to them first. I told him no but I would if they paid for the damages

[00:04:23] and apologized to my face. He set up the meeting for last night and it didn't go well

[00:04:28] to say the least. Everyone was shouting, the sisters told me they, yes both of them,

[00:04:33] had nothing to be sorry for and that I should leave their family alone, including my fiancee

[00:04:38] in their family. He told him that it wasn't fair to him to be lonely forever and that he

[00:04:42] hoped they'd be supportive of him finding love again. They told him he was betraying

[00:04:47] late wife and that he never loved her if he'd married someone else. He didn't have a

[00:04:52] problem with him having a new girlfriend because he'd realise she was the only one for

[00:04:56] him and get tired of me. Now that hadn't happened, they were putting their foot down.

[00:05:02] The youngest told him to tell me that they were right and that he'd never love anyone like late

[00:05:06] wife. My fiance broke down at the table. I picked him up and made us leave. I told him

[00:05:13] I'd be filing a report and suing for damages and the next time they saw us we'd be in

[00:05:17] court. When we got back and calmed down I gave him an ultimatum, either he cuts contact

[00:05:22] or we call off the wedding and go our separate ways. I wasn't going to live my life with this

[00:05:28] harassment and someday subject my children to their bullying. He said they would never

[00:05:33] bully a child but I shot him down and said he didn't expect any of this either. He called

[00:05:38] their father, he was fairly chill about it all but still defending his daughters. They say

[00:05:43] I shouldn't control him and that I'm horrible for cutting them off. I don't know what to do.

[00:05:48] I can't live like this and I don't think I should have to just because we're getting married.

[00:05:53] Now usually when I come into situations I say ultimatums are never usually a good idea but

[00:05:59] you're left with very little in this situation. I wouldn't want to be around that family either

[00:06:04] and if I was in OP's position what they did, what they are doing is unacceptable. They

[00:06:09] may be grieving, they may be going for a lot of stuff but their behavior is unacceptable

[00:06:15] and they clearly have an unhealthy attachment here. They're expecting fiance to never get

[00:06:19] married again, to never move on, to never find love and that's his future if he continues

[00:06:25] to hang around with them. So in summary I can't blame you for the way that you are feeling.

[00:06:30] Caspian says not the asshole what they did is completely unacceptable and I'm glad you're

[00:06:35] standing your ground and filing the police report. Look into a restraining order as well

[00:06:40] since you must still have all the proof of the messages and such. As for your fiance,

[00:06:45] I understand why he kept in touch with them but he messed up big time by not telling them

[00:06:49] he's moved on and loves someone else. He's hid you from them which is stupid as what did he

[00:06:54] expect? He needs to grow a backbone and put them in their place. Hot Rod Homebody says

[00:07:00] I just can't get past the fact that they think he should be single forever

[00:07:04] and three years after their sister passed away they have this kind of vitriol for his

[00:07:09] next potential life partner. Not exactly honoring their sister's memory that's for sure.

[00:07:14] Violent criminal psychos. Not the asshole OP and I'm sorry about that horrific shit show

[00:07:20] and personal attacks. Nogain4575 says in my African language the term used for widow is

[00:07:26] translated literally as wife of a grave. I don't know what he envisions life to look like

[00:07:32] even three years down the line. Is he supposed to marry one of the sisters or is

[00:07:37] he supposed to stay married to the grave? It looks like those are the two options they are

[00:07:41] giving him. These used to be the options given to widows. Marry a brother to hubby,

[00:07:46] stay a widow or marry outside the family but leave the man's kids behind. I hope you

[00:07:51] understand me. If he is to marry you he has to leave all things pertaining to late wife behind.

[00:07:56] You can't be with a man who does not stand up for you. Unless he does something very

[00:08:00] impressive in the next 24 hours I think this relationship has reached its end. Sorry. No shame,

[00:08:07] no accountability. Nonsense. File the police report. You don't deserve to lose your expensive

[00:08:12] car. Sue them. Virtual choir boy says not the asshole. File the police report. Give back the

[00:08:18] ring. If they're willing to be so unapologetically mean to your face then suing for damages and

[00:08:23] getting them in trouble with the police will only be the first step. The drama between them

[00:08:27] and your part-time partner will never stop and as long as you're in a relationship with him

[00:08:31] you'll be dragged in too. And I say part-time partner because he's just as busy defending them

[00:08:37] as he is defending you. Even when faced with absolutely horrendous behaviour towards you

[00:08:42] he still tries to defend the relationship with them. To me that says he's still either putting

[00:08:47] them first or he's so conflict avoidant that you will never truly be first for him.

[00:08:52] You'll be asked time and time again to be nice or keep the peace while having to endure

[00:08:57] abuse after abuse after abuse. So file the police report and give back the ring.

[00:09:03] And one more comment which was a reply to that one from comfortable18520 who says totally agree.

[00:09:09] This is great advice OP. There's far too much baggage coming with this guy to make a

[00:09:13] relationship feasible or safe. These people sound unhinged to be honest and he's too caught

[00:09:18] up with them to deal with their behaviour. You were young and got a whole life ahead of you.

[00:09:23] Don't take the tickets he's offering for this crazy train. It's never going to be a pleasant

[00:09:28] journey for you. OP gives their first update and says hey everyone just a mini update to

[00:09:33] clear some things up before I have a discussion with my fiancee either later today or tomorrow

[00:09:37] about my ultimatum. I didn't sleep at all yesterday or the night before for obvious

[00:09:42] reasons. There's a ding on my phone at least once an hour from them saying one thing or

[00:09:46] another. Mainly the 19 year old. I don't know what they've told people but I've got a

[00:09:51] message from one of their uncles and grandparents calling me horrible stuff too. So obviously they've

[00:09:56] been spreading what's happened this week and twisting it. I haven't blocked them because I

[00:10:00] want to gain as much evidence as I can for the inevitable case. Regardless of any outcome

[00:10:05] with my fiancee I will be suing and filing a criminal case for harassment and vandalism

[00:10:10] and looking for a restraining order. I just haven't had the mental fortitude to do so yet.

[00:10:15] I'm hoping my fiancee will help me. I haven't spoken to my fiance since the argument

[00:10:20] at the table. Other than to tell him they go or I do. It was my choice to give him a couple of

[00:10:25] days space to come to terms with everything and I will contact him when I'm ready.

[00:10:30] All of this from the first message till now has been a week. There's a huge wait to

[00:10:34] contemplate leaving people you've known for 15 years and who you grew up with. He did set

[00:10:40] hard boundaries with his sister from the coffee shop as I've seen the messages. He said

[00:10:45] you have no right talking to OP at all if this is how you're going to behave.

[00:10:50] She doesn't deserve this and you've gone too far. Why are you being like this?

[00:10:54] And she responded with more name calling and back and forth. He ended by saying not to message

[00:10:59] me again and to make sure everyone else does the same. I was happy with that. At this point

[00:11:04] only one person in that family had an issue, to my knowledge, so it was silly to have him cut

[00:11:09] off all of them. It may not be enough for some but it was enough for me to feel safe and

[00:11:14] comfortable. For those saying he needs therapy and counselling, he's already getting it.

[00:11:20] He's been getting it since before we even started dating after an incident at work.

[00:11:24] I didn't know about any of their family though. The first time I had a conversation

[00:11:28] with any of them was that night. Some people are wondering what late wife died of

[00:11:34] and it was a botched weight loss surgery where she died of sepsis. People were wondering if he

[00:11:40] was somehow the reason behind the surgery, hence the family's insane reaction,

[00:11:44] but he was not in the slightest. He likes bigger women and wouldn't pressure something

[00:11:48] like that onto her, speaking from experience. I also want to clear up not calling the police

[00:11:54] about the car thing. It was entirely my idea to not file charges in exchange for

[00:11:58] a face to face apology and damage payment. He only wanted me to wait so that he could

[00:12:03] talk to her to see if she regretted it and then have her father pay the damages.

[00:12:08] At the time we thought it was just a 19 year old that smashed up my car,

[00:12:11] not both daughters. Neither of us wanted to ruin her life and I found that it was both of

[00:12:16] them, it was full steam ahead. Thank you for all your messages and hopefully we'll have a

[00:12:22] positive update for you tomorrow. Edit. I chose for him to take this space apart,

[00:12:27] it's not him being indecisive. I said to take time and that I'd reach out but his decision

[00:12:32] is thought out. It's for me, I don't want to be chosen only to be three kids down a line and

[00:12:38] stuck in resentment filled marriage. It's for me, please understand that.

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[00:13:49] top comments on that one says, not the asshole. I'm very sorry for what is happening to you.

[00:13:54] But I would also like you to analyze what would happen if the harassment stops but

[00:13:58] he does not move away from his ex-wife's family. They already know how they feel about

[00:14:02] you. They're not going to stop telling him about it, poisoning his mind on every visit.

[00:14:07] Opie says that's the subject that we'll be broaching in our discussion. Moving house,

[00:14:11] definitely. And moving away, potentially. FL Mom says you're only 25, there are many more

[00:14:17] and safer fish in the sea. Opie says but I want this fish and until now I could handle

[00:14:23] the drama that this fish had. I've now reached a limit and set a standard that I'll

[00:14:27] be sticking to. Ms. Murderpan says I wonder if one of the sisters wanted your

[00:14:31] fiancee for themselves, hence the extreme reactions. Opie says so many people have

[00:14:36] said so and I honestly feel quite sick. I gotta be honest it did cross my mind but

[00:14:41] I was a bit worried I've read too many stories as usual.

[00:14:45] Opie updates the post again and says well what a wild morning I've had. My

[00:14:49] fiance came over bright and early this morning and I've never been so damn tired.

[00:14:54] You may want to take a seat because this will be long. Sorry in advance.

[00:14:58] First of all I want to set the record straight here. A lot of people are coming

[00:15:02] for my fiancee over not cutting them off from the get go, which I don't think is fair.

[00:15:06] He's a very mild-mannered calm and calculating person and that's who I always knew he was.

[00:15:12] Nothing has changed. If he had been Rocky Balboa and flipped the cafe table shouting

[00:15:16] obscenities, he would not have been the man I fell in love with. He did exactly what

[00:15:21] I expected him to do and exactly what I was comfortable with. He may be attracted

[00:15:25] to other things in men and expect other things and that's awesome, but not me.

[00:15:30] Update I text him saying I thought it was time

[00:15:33] to discuss this and he was back at home not half an hour later. We'd been staying with

[00:15:38] a friend the couple of nights we had no contact. We sat on our bed to talk because

[00:15:43] my back is sore from all the packing and I wasn't going to force myself to sit at the

[00:15:47] table. Before we even got to talking, he asked if we could cuddle for a minute.

[00:15:51] It definitely took some of the weight off me and we were able to talk like a couple.

[00:15:55] Not awkward strangers because regardless of some people's beliefs, we do love each other

[00:16:00] and it took me a very long time to feel confident in that fact. Before anyone caused

[00:16:05] me a doormat again, no. I was still sure I would stick to my ultimatum.

[00:16:10] The first thing I asked was if he felt he had enough time to make his decision

[00:16:14] and he said he didn't need time. He was very shocked and bewildered at how much could change

[00:16:19] in just a week and how everything he knew was shook up that he couldn't think and went numb.

[00:16:24] He did apologize that he didn't take a more defensive stance at the cafe

[00:16:28] and he doesn't want to make excuses for it. An explanation was that he genuinely

[00:16:33] didn't expect such a vitriolic response. He hid the engagement because he knew they weren't

[00:16:39] over his late wife's death and would be upset at the news. It wasn't like I would feel upset

[00:16:44] by them not knowing, which I wasn't really. He's known these girls since before they were

[00:16:49] in double digits and he would never have thought they were capable of it.

[00:16:53] It came so far out of left field that he froze. I asked him if there was any possibility that

[00:16:59] either of them had a thing for him and he looked very confused and disturbed. I said I've

[00:17:04] had people tell me it's not uncommon for siblings to do this after loss and he thought on it.

[00:17:09] Turns out you were right. He said the 24 year old, about 8 months after late wife's death,

[00:17:15] made a move and tried to kiss him. He immediately left and told her mother about it.

[00:17:20] Mother and father are divorced now but weren't then. She was a minor at the time and

[00:17:24] messaged him saying she would be 18 soon so it wasn't a big deal. Her mother made her see

[00:17:30] the school counsellor and didn't allow her to be alone with him for a while.

[00:17:33] It was years ago so he had forgotten that it even happened. He said he was sure that

[00:17:38] wasn't the case now because it had been so long but I'm not so convinced. Not that it

[00:17:43] matters anymore. He opened up his Facebook and gave it to me to read. 24 year old had been

[00:17:48] messaging him, which he ignored. She ranged from telling him off to crying and saying

[00:17:54] how betrayed the family was to try and manipulate him against me. He said he was

[00:17:59] needed to put them behind him and had been thinking it on and off since he proposed,

[00:18:03] but couldn't bring himself to do it. After this week the fire was lit and he knew what he had

[00:18:08] to do. It was just all abstract until suddenly it was very real. He asked me how I've been

[00:18:14] coping and I told him. I felt like I'd done everything right but somehow things turned out

[00:18:19] worse than if I'd been the jealous type and stopped their contact at the beginning.

[00:18:23] I tried to be understanding and put so much effort to be secure in myself and our relationship

[00:18:28] only for everything I worked on to be thrown in my face like I was a mistress that was

[00:18:32] cheating with him. He didn't blink the entire time and just listened. He said he should

[00:18:38] have been more observant and realized I was struggling with this so that he could help me

[00:18:43] but I've always been the strong one so he neglected to and he'll do better.

[00:18:48] As I've said in a few comments now, his parents had him in their late 40s and are

[00:18:52] retired. He hates to involve them in negativity but I was stunned when he said he'd been talking

[00:18:57] to them about this since the first Facebook message. They were very understanding but his

[00:19:02] father took a tough love approach. He said the best quote I think I've ever heard,

[00:19:07] get your act together before the jig is up. They offered to come stay for a while and

[00:19:11] help us move. I don't think that's necessary but I really appreciated the thought. On the

[00:19:16] subject of moving I made it clear that I would not be living in this house any longer

[00:19:21] than I had to and he completely agreed. His parents offered to find us a place in their

[00:19:24] estate if we wanted to have more of a support network and I'm honestly considering it after

[00:19:29] all this. They're only a state away from my own family so it would be a lot better off.

[00:19:34] His job is remote and I should be able to find work there easily enough.

[00:19:38] I've been in contact with a friend who's a mechanic and they've quoted me between 1k to

[00:19:43] 2k for the damages but that's an at cost estimate as a discount. A few people have

[00:19:48] said to get a real statement and to shop around. The real cost is between 4k to 5k

[00:19:53] and that's just for the noticeable damage. My friend thinks they've done something to

[00:19:57] the engine so thank god I couldn't drive it anywhere. He thinks I may be entitled to

[00:20:02] a replacement car altogether. If so I'll be sure to sue for it and that's not going to

[00:20:07] be cheap. After all the emotional things that were discussed he mentioned when I would be

[00:20:12] comfortable enough to go to the police. I made clear he was okay with that or I'd go on my

[00:20:16] own. He said the surest I've ever seen him that this was what needed to be done and he wasn't

[00:20:21] going to let them continue. He'd done enough to try and shield them but he wasn't going to let

[00:20:25] it come at my expense. I'm currently in the bath, dropping in bath bombs and will be going

[00:20:31] to the station as soon as I'm done. He's downstairs right now printing out the new quotes

[00:20:35] from the mechanics and the messages 24 year old sent him the past couple of days so we can go

[00:20:40] prepared. People have said that nothing will come of it and you may be right but I have

[00:20:45] to try. Hoping my local police don't have anything better to do. It's a small town.

[00:20:50] To finish I made a point of asking again if he would cut them off or I had to go.

[00:20:55] He didn't miss a beat and said they're no longer going to be a part of his life

[00:20:59] even if I decided to leave. He did ask for one last meeting to say goodbye to her parents

[00:21:03] and to put a close on that part of his life and to explain to the girls that this is not

[00:21:08] my fault but his decision after seeing how cruel they were capable of being. After that

[00:21:13] we will block them on everything and move forward. I was completely fine with that.

[00:21:17] So there we have it. Writing all this out and being able to talk to people about everything

[00:21:22] has been both helpful and a good distraction from the dumpster fire that was my life

[00:21:26] and everything worked out as well as I could have hoped. Let's see how this meeting goes

[00:21:30] with them. I'm sure they wouldn't be very happy about it but that's not my problem.

[00:21:34] Thank you all and I'll update after they've met up.

[00:21:37] Now I don't know if it's right or wrong but to me I don't think meeting up with them

[00:21:41] is a good idea. Especially everything in the past. I don't think he's going to get this closure

[00:21:46] as a goodbye it's just going to ignite the fire again. That's what I believe anyway but

[00:21:52] what do you guys make of this situation? Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:21:58] And just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved in today's

[00:22:01] stories. Your love, your support, your time will always mean the absolute world to me so

[00:22:05] thank you so so much and hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love.

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