I Found Out Something About My Girlfriend That's Making Me Question EVERYTHING r/Relationships

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[00:01:04] I20 Male I'm not comfortable with my girlfriend's

[00:01:08] 19F living situation, and I'm not sure how to bring it up.

[00:01:13] I20 Male I'm visiting my girlfriend, 19F, for spring

[00:01:17] break. This is the first time I have visited her this year, as we both go to colleges that

[00:01:22] are across the country from each other. I've met her two roommates briefly when we FaceTime,

[00:01:27] and they all seem nice and enjoy similar things as her.

[00:01:30] They had met each other through social media and had been talking for a while,

[00:01:34] and had planned to live together, so they're all pretty close.

[00:01:37] Her dorm is apartment style, includes living room and dining area.

[00:01:42] When she was giving me a tour, I saw that there were four bedrooms.

[00:01:45] I know she and her two roommates all have a room, but I didn't know why there was a fourth room.

[00:01:51] When I asked her, she said the room wasn't that important, and laughed with her roommates.

[00:01:56] The first night, after having dinner, the four of us were hanging out in their living room area

[00:02:00] when the door opened and another girl walked in. She seemed surprised to see me,

[00:02:05] and walked right into the fourth bedroom. My girlfriend and her roommates started to laugh,

[00:02:10] and after they were done, told me that she was their other roommate.

[00:02:15] I was super confused because anytime I've talked with my girlfriend,

[00:02:18] the only people who talk were the other two girls. My girlfriend even sent pictures of

[00:02:23] the bathroom, living room, and kitchen after the three of them decorated it for themselves.

[00:02:28] My girlfriend and her roommates then told me that because they went into the dorms as a group of

[00:02:33] three, they ended up with a random roommate. The entire time, they never said a name,

[00:02:38] and just called her a random roommate while laughing. At one point, the girl came out to

[00:02:44] fill her water bottle, and my girlfriend and the other two stopped mid-conversation

[00:02:48] and stared like a hawk at her until she went back into her room. After she did,

[00:02:53] they resumed talking and laughing. The girl didn't come out for the rest of the night.

[00:02:57] Before we went to bed, I asked my girlfriend more about her other roommate, and why they all act

[00:03:02] like that. At first, she was confused, but then said that the girl is really nice, just not like

[00:03:07] them. She said that in the beginning of the year, the girl was really talkative towards them and

[00:03:12] friendly, but the other two girls did some stuff, and now she just goes to her room all the time.

[00:03:17] She said that she says hi to her sometimes when she's getting ready for class, but

[00:03:21] that's it. She said that she was different from them, and not all roommates have to get along.

[00:03:26] I asked if she knew I was coming and staying here for a week, and she said no,

[00:03:30] but she'd be fine with it. The past three days I've been here, I've noticed that while my girlfriend

[00:03:35] and her roommates all hang out in the living room, the other girl stays in her room and only comes

[00:03:39] out when she leaves. My girlfriend gave me a more in-depth tour, and the girl gets one door shelf in

[00:03:45] the fridge and half a drawer slash cabinet in their kitchen. The rest is used by the other girls.

[00:03:51] I ask why she doesn't have more space, and my girlfriend just shrugged.

[00:03:55] I'm not sure why, but I just feel really soured about the entire thing.

[00:04:00] My girlfriend has never been a mean girl, but something about this just makes me uncomfortable.

[00:04:05] On one hand, I'm really happy my girlfriend was lucky enough to have roommates she gets along with

[00:04:09] and are her friends, but on the other hand, I feel bad for her other roommate.

[00:04:14] I don't know if I'm just overthinking this. How do I bring this up to my girlfriend, or

[00:04:19] should I just leave it alone? This kind of behavior just strikes me as bullying in my opinion.

[00:04:25] The fact that she's laughing at this girl, not speaking up for her in terms of all the space

[00:04:30] in the kitchen, staring at her when she actually just comes out of her room says everything I need

[00:04:36] to hear really. I wouldn't be able to be with someone who treated another person that way.

[00:04:41] Even if she's doing it for herself, she's enabling this behavior. I can't imagine how

[00:04:46] that poor girl feels coming home and then being treated like this in her own, which should be

[00:04:51] her safe place, not being able to come out of her room because she gets stared at like a hawk.

[00:04:56] Farroja says seems like your girlfriend and her friends are getting joy out of making someone

[00:05:00] else's life miserable. There's a difference between being different kinds of people and

[00:05:04] straight up being mean, inconsiderate bullies. Don't look good in terms of her character.

[00:05:10] Superb says how would you trust someone in a long distance relationship if they have poor character?

[00:05:15] Seems like she would do whatever with whoever if it was what her two roommates wanted.

[00:05:20] I'm sure you know this and it's what's bugging you, like treating wait staff poorly.

[00:05:25] Opie says her two roommates both have boyfriends. I understand what you're saying but I know that

[00:05:30] she would never cheat or do anything like that because of her family and what she's been through.

[00:05:35] That's why I'm confused with all of this. She's never given any indication that she could act

[00:05:39] like this. Sorry I guess replies to Opie and says and now she's giving every indication that she is

[00:05:46] exactly like this. Nobody is a monster until they are. Frankly as someone who has PTSD from being

[00:05:52] bullied, when you said the other two girls did some stuff and then stopped being around them,

[00:05:58] I got a cold chill up my spine. What she's telling you is that the other two girls did something so

[00:06:04] truly cruel to put that poor girl in her place that she literally went from being friendly and

[00:06:08] chatty to being withdrawn and not daring to leave her room most of the time. And that's not even

[00:06:14] without the fact that they're unapologetically taking advantage of her and not giving her the

[00:06:18] fair share of space that she pays equally to live in. The girlfriend may be the ringleader but she's

[00:06:22] not only standing by and allowing her friends to treat this girl like dirt on the bottom of their

[00:06:26] shoes, she is actively participating in freezing her out and making her feel unwelcome. That whole

[00:06:32] silence in their talk as soon as she enters the room and laughing about her behind her back,

[00:06:37] that's straight up vicious. You aren't one of us, bullying. Your girlfriend isn't just a mean girl,

[00:06:43] she's a vicious bully and she is ruining that other girl's experience of university and leaving

[00:06:49] her with unhappy memories she will carry throughout the rest of her life. Just as your girlfriend

[00:06:53] will remember being happy with her friends and what she's been through or whether or not she

[00:06:58] would cheat on you is irrelevant, you literally are watching her behave this way and still denying it.

[00:07:03] She should be ashamed of herself and so should you for not calling her out.

[00:07:08] People say nothing while others are mistreated are just as bad as the ones doing it. Oh and for

[00:07:13] the record, this isn't about not getting along. Your girlfriend said it herself,

[00:07:17] the girl was perfectly nice and friendly. This is not a mutual situation of not getting along,

[00:07:23] this is your girlfriend and her roommates bullying and freezing out their fourth roommate, period.

[00:07:29] Opie replies saying wow thanks for this insight, I'm sorry you went through something similar.

[00:07:34] Part of me wonders if my girlfriend knows what they did to her but idk,

[00:07:38] I'm leaving tomorrow and idk if I should say something to her now or after I leave.

[00:07:43] I don't want to do anything that causes her roommate to be treated worse because of me yknow.

[00:07:47] And posts like this always bring those memories of being bullied flooding back to me and just makes

[00:07:52] my heart break for that girl even more. Like that last comment said, Opie did update the post and

[00:08:19] said hi everyone, I posted a while back and received some replies as well as a bunch of

[00:08:23] private messages. I decided to post a short update to let you know what happened. Shortly after I

[00:08:28] posted and read through your comments and messages, I realized that this relationship was about to end.

[00:08:33] A lot of you brought up great points and I just couldn't justify staying with a person who acts

[00:08:37] like this. That night we all went out to a couple parties and seeing her act just kind of reinforced

[00:08:43] my previous thoughts. Her and her friends were just so rude, I don't mean flat out, they actually

[00:08:49] were pretty fun and nice to a bunch of people. But the three of them just had no regard for

[00:08:53] everyone else except for them. It was like they had no awareness of their surroundings and didn't

[00:08:58] even care. Towards the end of the night I was so upset about everything that I asked my girlfriend

[00:09:04] if we could head back early. She said yes and we split up from the other two girls.

[00:09:08] When we got back to her place and got ready for bed, I brought up her two roommates and I just

[00:09:13] lightly spoke about everything on my mind. She fully admitted that she knew the two girls were

[00:09:17] rude and literally called them horrible bitches but there was nothing she could do because they

[00:09:23] all lived together. I brought up that she willingly signed a lease to move in with them

[00:09:27] in an apartment next year and if she didn't like them why did she always entertain them?

[00:09:33] She said she didn't know what to say and just kind of shrugged it off. I then asked about her

[00:09:37] other roommate and found out what the other two girls did. Apparently when the three of them went

[00:09:42] out, the girl made her dinner and ate in their living room while watching a movie. When they

[00:09:47] came back and saw her, one of the two walked into the living room, unplugged the TV in the middle

[00:09:52] of a movie and said, you did not pay for this, this is not yours, do not touch. While the other girl

[00:09:58] took the remote and laughed. The TV belonged to one of the roommates who brought it from her room

[00:10:03] at home. The apps on it were all split between all the roommates and I think one of the accounts

[00:10:07] belonged to the girl. So my girlfriend and the other girl also didn't pay for the TV.

[00:10:13] I was shocked, that's legit mean girl stuff you see in the movies. When I asked my girl

[00:10:18] for what she did, she said she did nothing and in the moment laughed because she was embarrassed for

[00:10:23] her and that's just what she does when she's uncomfortable. Which is true. My girlfriend

[00:10:28] passed out after that and I spent a little bit packing my stuff and preparing what I was going

[00:10:33] to tell her. The next morning I straight up told her that I really don't see a future with her.

[00:10:37] I said that she's become a bully and I don't want to be with someone who surrounds herself

[00:10:41] with people that are horrible people. She became defensive and said she's never done anything bad

[00:10:46] and it's the other two girls. I told her that by now she's an adult and had many choices

[00:10:52] to not partake in their bullying but I'd chosen to and stuck up for them. She got very emotional

[00:10:58] and then became angry and told me to leave. I got on Uber and headed to the airport and when

[00:11:04] I got back to my place she texted me and asked if this was a break while I figured out what I

[00:11:08] wanted or if this was definite. I restated what I told her and said that I hope she figures out

[00:11:14] who she is and I wish her well. I think she blocked me after that, I haven't heard from her since.

[00:11:20] I did hear from my friends girlfriend who is friendly with her and on her private stories

[00:11:24] that their room got busted for having alcohol in them which is banned in the dorms and all

[00:11:29] four of them had to have a meeting with their RA and dorm director proving their innocence.

[00:11:35] Hope this gives the fourth girl an opportunity to tell them about her living situation

[00:11:40] but I don't think I'll ever know. Anyways thanks for all the advice that I revised,

[00:11:44] I know it wasn't much but I definitely appreciated it.

[00:11:55] I can't blame you for breaking up but my heart still goes out for this fourth girl in the

[00:12:01] situation. Is she going to get the blame for it? I was hoping that it was her who snuck the alcohol

[00:12:09] in and is going to blame those three girls for it. That would be nice but I hope she does get

[00:12:14] herself out of that situation sooner rather than later because that sounds like a horrific way to

[00:12:21] live your university life. But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys, what do you guys make

[00:12:27] of this situation? Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below and let's move on to another

[00:12:35] story. Life is full of awesome what-ifs and some not so much like unexpected medical costs. That's

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[00:13:28] And before we do get into this next story there is a trigger warning on the story itself that's

[00:13:33] for sexism, body shaming, and emotional abuse. So if you do want to skip the story please feel

[00:13:37] free to do so. Timestamps are always down in the description and along the timeline below.

[00:13:42] Thank you. And it's from another throwaway account that says am I the arsehole here

[00:13:46] for wanting to divorce my wife because she got a reduction?

[00:13:51] Basically the title. I, 30 male and my wife 29 female, have been together for 6 years,

[00:13:58] married for 2. I have a type and based on my past relationships and the women I'm attracted to,

[00:14:04] it's not subtle. I like curvy women and my wife happens to fit this type to a T. She's thick and

[00:14:10] I appreciate that. I've been with other types of women and simply put thinner women don't do it

[00:14:16] for me. I mention this because I think that attraction is a big part of a relationship.

[00:14:22] I could love a person's personality all day long but if I'm not attracted to them

[00:14:26] it's not going to work. Very early in our relationship she told me that she wanted a

[00:14:31] reduction as she felt like they didn't fit her frame and that they caused her to receive unwanted

[00:14:37] attention. I asked her if they caused her pain, she said that they didn't. I told her that I

[00:14:42] could understand doing something so drastic if they caused her pain or discomfort or if it needed

[00:14:46] to be done for medical reasons but for what boils down to just for aesthetics seemed a bit much.

[00:14:53] She didn't really agree or disagree and more or less just dropped the subject, as did I.

[00:14:59] Fast forward 5 years and we've been married for a year at this point. Out of nowhere she said that

[00:15:03] she had an appointment with a doctor to talk about a reduction. I was kind of surprised because I

[00:15:09] figured that at the very least she would mention it to me. I understand that's not my place to tell

[00:15:14] her what she can or can't do with her body but I don't know. I thought she would have said something

[00:15:19] even in passing. After her appointment I thought that we should at the very least sit down and talk

[00:15:24] about her undergoing a massive surgery. I asked her about her appointment and she seemed cagey

[00:15:30] about the details. Eventually she opened up and told me that she was playing this close to her

[00:15:35] chest. No pun intended. Because she knew that I would try and talk her out of it. I told her that

[00:15:41] I'm her husband and that I wouldn't try and talk her out of it but I did want to make it clear that

[00:15:46] for the lack of a better phrase, actions have consequences. She said that she understood that

[00:15:51] but her chest makes her feel too self-conscious and she wants to go through with it. I told her

[00:15:56] that I understood and would stand by her. So she gets the procedure done and after all the

[00:16:02] healing and swelling went down she was left with a small B. We had been intimate a few times over the

[00:16:08] few weeks and she felt like everything was good and it's been a struggle. The size is really

[00:16:13] messing with me. Not only that, the scars are brutal. I have a thing about scars that just

[00:16:18] give me the ick. Even when I had my own surgery, my own scars gave me chills in the worst way possible.

[00:16:25] I opted for doggy style and reverse cowgirl so I didn't have to see the scars but my wife knew

[00:16:29] something was off. She would switch positions so we could face each other and it's been the end

[00:16:35] every time. I made up some bullshit about lower back pain and doggy style being the most comfortable

[00:16:39] position for me. She got upset and accused me of not finding her attractive. I didn't want to keep

[00:16:45] lying to her but at the same time if I agreed I think that would have crushed her. So I just walked

[00:16:50] away from the conversation. I know it's not a great move to pull if I want a healthy relationship but

[00:16:56] I didn't know what else to do. After that I pulled back from initiating because I'm just not into it

[00:17:01] anymore. I would accept her advances as her libido is lower than mine but I've pulled away from that

[00:17:07] as well because her chest is really unappealing to me. After a few weeks of me not initiating,

[00:17:13] she confronted me about it. I tried to brush it off by saying that I was stressed and tired.

[00:17:18] Lying felt kinder than saying that a flat chest makes her look like a child and that the scars

[00:17:23] make me want to dry heath. But she wasn't having it. I sat her down and reminded her that her

[00:17:29] actions would have consequences. She blew up at me calling me shallow and telling me that

[00:17:34] this wouldn't matter to a real man. She asked if I still loved her. I said that I did but that

[00:17:40] doesn't mean that meant I was obligated to sleep with her and if the roles were reversed she would

[00:17:46] say that this dynamic is borderline abusive. That conversation was like a month ago and since then

[00:17:53] things have been icy at best. I want to cuddle with her and spend time with her but she has

[00:17:57] rejected my offers to spend time with her at every turn. It feels shitty because this entire situation

[00:18:03] was caused by her. She made the decision to get this done despite my concerns. She knew how much

[00:18:09] scars deeply affected me and she pushed a specific kind of sex onto me despite me trying to work

[00:18:14] around this. And now that the consequences of her actions are affecting her, she is mad at me.

[00:18:20] I'm going to go out of my way to offer physical intimacy outside of sex to show her that I still

[00:18:24] love her and am still there for her but she's not having any of it. I know that she's hurt because

[00:18:30] while I won't admit to it, she knows that I'm not attracted to her. At least with a shirt off anymore.

[00:18:36] And that probably feels crushing but she brought this upon herself. At this point I don't know

[00:18:41] where else to go from here. I feel like she won't forgive me and to be honest this whole thing has

[00:18:46] caused some resentment towards her so I feel that divorce is our only option at this point.

[00:18:51] So am I the asshole here if I get a divorce over this?

[00:18:57] And we have an edit and then a further update or a couple of updates on this one as well.

[00:19:01] So the first commenter said, would it be different if your wife was disfigured due to an accident

[00:19:06] and needed plastic surgery? Or say breast cancer and she needed a mastectomy. Is your issue the

[00:19:12] fact that she chose to do this? You can have preferences sure but in this specific case you

[00:19:17] have some shallow reasons. Honestly I hope she finds a better man. I hope he replies saying it

[00:19:23] would be completely different. I'd stand by her and suck it up because that's what you do.

[00:19:28] But this was senseless, it didn't need to happen. Also it's not like I haven't tried to adjust this

[00:19:34] so for you to still boil this down as just me being shallow is just reductive. It's dumb.

[00:19:39] Kendrick says I think the whole actions have consequence thing is pretty asshole-ish of you.

[00:19:44] It feels like you're trying to verbally punish her rather than getting her to empathize with you.

[00:19:49] Have you tried just having her keep lingerie on top while you're having sex? Like I doubt she's

[00:19:54] super proud of her bare chest right now and she stated that she did this at least partially for

[00:19:59] her proportionality, that they didn't fit her frame. Why don't you shop together for some

[00:20:04] lingerie that she feels will flatter her new frame and will keep you from seeing the scars?

[00:20:10] I hope he responds saying no, I'm not trying to punish her over this. I've asked her if she

[00:20:15] could keep a shirt on during sex and she says that it's humiliating to her that her husband

[00:20:19] wants her to cover up during sex. It feels like I offer a solution and they get shot down. The

[00:20:24] lingerie could be a good idea though, I'd be sexy enough for her that it doesn't come off as me

[00:20:28] trying to get her to cover up. Sugarcane bandit says I do not say this lightly,

[00:20:33] this guy is scum. I feel repulsed reading his first am I the asshole to now. This poor woman,

[00:20:40] wow what a garbage husband. I got a breast reduction, sure it was a lot for my husband

[00:20:46] to get used to but he respected me enough to support me and love me regardless of my breasts.

[00:20:51] I feel like a whole new person after my reduction, I'm so much more comfortable in my body.

[00:20:57] Too bad OP ruined that for his wife. This is so brutal, I hope she finds someone who loves her

[00:21:04] more. OP first came in with their edit which said those are you that are saying that I only love my

[00:21:09] wife for her boobs, read the fourth paragraph and then read it again until it makes sense to you.

[00:21:14] Sound the words out if you have to. Not only is that take reductive as hell but it's also

[00:21:18] flat out incorrect. Is the size an issue for me? Yes but it's not the end or be all.

[00:21:24] I know that attraction is very much learned but I'd like to do that at my pace and constantly

[00:21:30] putting fresh scars in my face when we are intimate is not how you go about that. My issue

[00:21:34] is two fold, one she allowed the glimpses of strangers supersede my comfort with the situation,

[00:21:40] she put herself into debt just to appease the thoughts and opinions of other people.

[00:21:45] Two she is not letting me adjust at my own pace. I love my wife and I love being with my wife but

[00:21:51] forcing me to look at something that I find deeply disturbing is kinda fucked up. I've offered

[00:21:56] solutions that could work for us perfectly but it seems that unless the only words out of my

[00:22:00] mouth are great decision honey your new boobs are way better than your old ones she doesn't

[00:22:04] want to hear it. Because of those two factors this is hard for me to look past especially since this

[00:22:09] wasn't a necessary thing to do. I haven't even gotten into the fact that insurance refused to

[00:22:14] cover the surgery because it was technically a cosmetic surgery and she put herself into debt

[00:22:19] to do this which pushes us back from buying the house we want. All around this was selfish and

[00:22:24] pointless literally hustling backwards. So Opie made another post about they started a dead

[00:22:31] bedroom and they said I Mel Ferdie started a dead bedroom with my 29 wife. Essentially she made a

[00:22:37] unilateral decision to get a breast reduction for cosmetic reasons. I tried to get used to it but my

[00:22:42] issues are multifaceted. One after the swelling went down she's left with a b cup, she's black

[00:22:48] chested and it feels very gross to me like I'm looking at a child. It fucks with me mentally

[00:22:54] as I'm used to seeing large breasts when we used to have sex. To see her so flat just makes it feel

[00:22:58] inappropriate. Her scars are fucking terrible. I have a strong aversion to scarring and scars in

[00:23:05] general. Her scars have been absolutely brutal, red and raised all the time. I even thought that

[00:23:11] she had an infection but she tells me that her scars are red for a long time. I'm simply not

[00:23:16] into flat chested women. It's just not for me. I'm angry that she would make such a bold decision

[00:23:22] with basically no heads up or room for feedback. With how they look between the flatness and the

[00:23:29] scarring not only does it do nothing for me but they actively turn me off when I see them. I used

[00:23:34] to put her in positions like doggy style and reverse cowgirl when I could at least focus on

[00:23:38] other things but it's like she puts my face on purpose. She even confirmed that theory when she

[00:23:44] told me that she wanted to face me while we have sex so she can make sure I'm still attracted to

[00:23:49] her and to be frank I have lost a lot of attraction towards her. I told her the truth, I said that her

[00:23:55] chest is turning me off and that I would like to work around that for the time being until I can

[00:23:59] grow some more attraction towards them but she freaked out on me. I suggested she wear a shirt

[00:24:05] or if we can have her face away from me and she said that's degrading. Fair. I asked her if she

[00:24:10] can wear lace bras or lingerie so it's sexy for the both of us but she says it feels like I'm just

[00:24:15] trying to cover her up. To be fair to her I am but it's what I'm comfortable with. She either

[00:24:21] balks at every suggestion or cries and tells me that it feels like I don't love her. I asked her

[00:24:26] what a good solution for this would be and her solution is that I would appreciate how she looks

[00:24:30] and just get used to it. Well I have a third option, I can just say sex is off the table.

[00:24:36] It's been a few weeks since we last had sex, we average 3-4 times a week so obviously she's been

[00:24:41] pissed. She asks me when I get over my bitch fit and I'll just ask her if she's willing to use any

[00:24:47] of my suggestions. She stormed away. Imagine trading your sex life just to get a worse pair

[00:25:01] of tits. It's a shit show. You'll probably get divorced. Fuck my life. The opiate adds their

[00:25:08] update and says I want to start off by saying those of you who commented on some version of

[00:25:12] did you only marry her boobs or her go to hell. Actually get on a course on phonics then go to

[00:25:18] hell. If that's all you got from the post then I can only hope you don't have kids to pass your low

[00:25:22] IQs down to. I've done some soul searching and have evaluated my true feelings on the matter.

[00:25:28] After speaking with a few people that I trust and my therapist I'm realizing that my issue wasn't

[00:25:33] just with the reduction. Does it suck? Sure, but I'll live. I sat down with my therapist and

[00:25:39] understand that I have 4 main issues with her decision to get the procedure.

[00:25:44] 1. My wife allowed outside influences to affect our marriage in an irreversible way.

[00:25:50] 2. The constant pushing of my boundaries during sex.

[00:25:54] 3. A lack of communication beforehand. 4. A lack of communication after I rejected

[00:25:59] her advances. I gave it a week and have come to the conclusion that I can't let these feelings go.

[00:26:05] If I can't trust that she won't change her body because a creepy dude gives her a look

[00:26:09] then how am I supposed to trust her with bigger shit like having kids or buying a house?

[00:26:13] I asked if she felt happier after the procedure and she said that she doesn't. I asked if she

[00:26:19] felt like she was stared at less. She says that she feels like she gets the same amount of looks.

[00:26:24] I asked if she felt like she got her money's worth. I didn't get an answer for that one

[00:26:29] so the whole thing has been a failure. In essence, this was a big waste of time,

[00:26:34] money, effort and stress. My friend put me in contact with her lawyer so done is done I suppose.

[00:26:40] She can keep everything, I just want my cat. Finally, for those of you who told me to leave

[00:26:45] her so she can find someone who actually loves her, you got it. I'm done with her.

[00:26:59] Outro

[00:27:23] Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:27:29] In today's stories, your love, your support, your time always means the absolute world to me.

[00:27:33] So thank you so much and hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love.

[00:28:27] Outro