I Don't Want My Fiance's Former Partner Who Passed Away To Feature In Our Wedding r/Relationships | Reddit Stories Podcast

[00:00:02] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and welcome to today's compilation video. I want to get that out of there straight away just in case you don't like the compilations. Totally up to you. But a huge thank you for being here today, getting involved in the stories. Your love, your support, your time always means the absolute world to me. And let's crack on with today's stories. Much love guys.

[00:00:23] Now before we do get into today's first story, it does contain talk of death and grief. So if you don't want to skip the story, please feel free to do so. Timestamps are always down in the description and along the timeline below. Thank you.

[00:00:35] And this is from the Am I the Arsehole subreddit from a throwaway account who says,

[00:00:39] Am I the Arsehole for not wanting to feature my fiance's former SO who passed away in our wedding?

[00:00:47] Trigger warning for loss and death.

[00:00:49] My fiance was engaged for about a month to his high school sweetheart when she passed away in a tragic freak accident. For personal reasons, I don't want to get into how it happened, but it was no one's fault.

[00:01:02] This was maybe six years ago. Just for the purpose of the post, I'll call her Mandy.

[00:01:08] My fiance has been very open about this loss and how it affected him throughout our relationship. I know he misses her and the memories he has with her are important and special.

[00:01:18] I don't want to take away anything or demean the relationship and I've always been there for him on hard days and supported him when he needed it.

[00:01:27] We got engaged last year. The date is to be determined still for obvious reasons.

[00:01:33] It was very emotional for both of us and we've been really happy. But since planning the wedding, I've been feeling like I'm not only planning it for myself, but for Mandy as well.

[00:01:44] It started as comments from his family. A lot of, oh, Mandy would have loved this type things.

[00:01:51] I brushed it off at first and just thought it was a way of them processing grief.

[00:01:56] I have a great relationship with his family, but I know they loved Mandy too.

[00:02:00] When I went dress shopping, his mom and sister came. They kept talking about what dress Mandy would have worn, what they could see her in, etc.

[00:02:08] It might seem like nothing, but it really overtook the conversation. So much so that another bridesmaid told me later that she felt uncomfortable for me too.

[00:02:18] It turned from harmless comments into focusing what should be a special event for me into reminiscing over Mandy.

[00:02:25] My latest project has been compiling old photos of me and my fiancé for a slideshow at the reception or rehearsal dinner. We haven't decided.

[00:02:33] He told me there's something he's been wanting to ask me.

[00:02:36] He really wants to include some kind of in-memory of Mandy into our wedding and thinks a slideshow would be a perfect place.

[00:02:44] At this point, I was and still kind of am fed up with the Mandy comments taken over our wedding.

[00:02:50] I sternly told him that no, I don't think that would be appropriate as this is our wedding and should focus on us.

[00:02:58] We are having a table with pictures of loved ones who passed and she will be featured there.

[00:03:03] He told me that he doesn't think that's enough to honor her memory.

[00:03:07] He wants to incorporate her in a bigger way as she never got to her dream wedding.

[00:03:12] He also thinks it would be a sweet surprise for Mandy's parents, who are invited since he's still really close to them.

[00:03:18] I did lose my cool, I will admit.

[00:03:21] I told him honestly how I felt about the Mandy situation taking over our wedding and how I'm uncomfortable with it.

[00:03:27] I also asked him if he could ask his family to limit the Mandy comments at our wedding,

[00:03:31] since now I'm afraid the whole wedding will be focused on her.

[00:03:35] I told him that I need time away to think and have been staying at my parents' house, but we've still been talking.

[00:03:42] Am I the arsehole? Am I overreacting?

[00:03:45] I think I understand grief pretty well.

[00:03:49] As I said, I've been through quite a bit of it over the last few years.

[00:03:53] I understand everyone grieves in different ways and I think that's okay as long as you're doing it in a healthy way.

[00:03:59] But from what I'm reading here, it's not healthy at all.

[00:04:03] It doesn't sound like the family, any of the family, has processed it.

[00:04:06] It sounded like something was already there to show respect to Mandy and other loved ones that have passed.

[00:04:14] And it's the same thing that my niece done at her wedding.

[00:04:17] It's at a table for loved ones that had passed.

[00:04:20] That was near the entrance door to the room and had some candles on it and things like that.

[00:04:25] And it was a beautiful thing to include.

[00:04:28] But they clearly haven't processed it because anyone, I would like to think his thinking straight,

[00:04:33] would see this as massively inappropriate.

[00:04:37] But Salonis87 says,

[00:05:11] Make America Swole again says,

[00:05:14] It's honestly insulting on how wrapped up they are about this girl.

[00:05:18] I understand grieving, but it's been six years and you are not Mandy.

[00:05:22] Your fiance has no business flaunting his dead fiance in front of you on your freaking wedding day.

[00:05:28] He's basically admitting that he is not over her.

[00:05:31] Not the arsehole.

[00:05:32] And you need to deeply consider spending the rest of your life with someone

[00:05:35] who you wouldn't even be acquainted with if his first choice didn't pass away.

[00:05:41] Fingerheart89 says,

[00:05:42] Not the arsehole.

[00:05:43] At all.

[00:05:44] Listen.

[00:05:44] I also lost my partner at 25.

[00:05:47] Very traumatic experience.

[00:05:50] We were engaged and then in a minute, everything changed.

[00:05:53] Years passed and I met someone new and we are engaged.

[00:05:57] The family of my late partner is indeed invited.

[00:06:00] We are close.

[00:06:01] My fiance knows everything about my late partner.

[00:06:03] He asks about him and honestly puts an effort to let me know he's there for me.

[00:06:07] And I also make an effort to keep his memory alive because it hurts me he died when he was only 24.

[00:06:14] With that said, I understand my fiance has priority here and I wouldn't want to make him uncomfortable at all.

[00:06:19] Especially after him being incredibly understanding.

[00:06:22] Our wedding day will be about us.

[00:06:25] Having something like in memory of M would be a bit weird because I'm not getting married in his memory.

[00:06:30] I don't know if your partner has been to therapy or not, but that would be my recommendation.

[00:06:35] I know this helped me immensely.

[00:06:37] Put a place in my heart for love and grief.

[00:06:40] And a final comment from the moo cat who says, not the arsehole.

[00:06:43] Your boundaries are perfectly reasonable and you even have space for it at the place for loved ones that have passed away.

[00:06:49] What he and his family are doing is frankly a bit creepy.

[00:06:53] He's marrying you.

[00:06:54] This isn't Mandy's would have been wedding.

[00:06:57] I would say that you should talk with your fiance and maybe even go to couples counseling and or try to get him with a grief therapist.

[00:07:04] His deceased significant other really shouldn't be the focus of your wedding.

[00:07:08] It should be a happy time to celebrate your union.

[00:07:12] Hope he came back into the post and says update.

[00:07:15] Thank you to everyone for the kind words.

[00:07:17] I've had a lot to digest over the past few days.

[00:07:20] I did try to post a separate update but was told to just add it under my original.

[00:07:24] I'll try to put a condensed version under here.

[00:07:27] The wedding is postponed indefinitely.

[00:07:29] We are still together and working through things.

[00:07:32] He was defensive about the situation at first but eventually came around.

[00:07:36] We both agreed that couples therapy is needed and are in the process of starting that.

[00:07:41] As for his family, they are deeply sorry.

[00:07:43] Especially, mostly, his mum.

[00:07:46] When I went to talk to her about it, she was really in tears.

[00:07:49] Mandy was like a daughter to her, so she said.

[00:07:52] And she just hasn't gotten over losing her yet.

[00:07:55] I talked to her about therapy.

[00:07:57] She told me she didn't go after Mandy died and she agreed it's something to look into.

[00:08:01] Though not sure if anything concrete has come of it.

[00:08:04] I can't say that I feel 100% better about the situation

[00:08:08] and I think that my relationship with his mum now has a bit of a strain on it.

[00:08:12] Even if she did apologize.

[00:08:14] But I'm hoping to work through these things in therapy.

[00:08:16] And if I can't or my fiancé can't, then I have to do what's best for me and end the relationship.

[00:08:22] If anything else were to happen, I'll try to post an update.

[00:08:26] Again, thank you to everyone for the support.

[00:08:29] It means a lot.

[00:08:31] And I'm afraid that was OP's last post on the matter.

[00:08:35] So it did end up being sort of a bit inconclusive.

[00:08:38] We did know that, you know, eventually it's either therapy

[00:08:41] and they try to work through it or they end the relationship.

[00:08:45] So whilst it is a bit inconclusive, I'm glad that OP did postpone the wedding

[00:08:49] and did take time to say, you know, this isn't right

[00:08:52] and talk to the relevant people about it

[00:08:54] and has a plan if things don't work out.

[00:08:57] Now, it's really sad how grief can do a number.

[00:09:00] Like I'm not making excuses or anything like here,

[00:09:02] but grief can absolutely knock you for a six.

[00:09:06] And not just immediately after it happened.

[00:09:08] It can happen years after.

[00:09:10] It can just suddenly sneak up on you.

[00:09:11] You don't realize it's happening.

[00:09:13] But then one day suddenly you're in tears about it.

[00:09:15] And it's strange because that's something that's recently happened to one of my friends

[00:09:19] who lost a sibling some time ago.

[00:09:21] But now things are starting to show.

[00:09:23] But they are seeking help for it, of course.

[00:09:25] But oh, dear me.

[00:09:27] What do you guys make of this situation?

[00:09:30] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:09:33] And let's move on to another story.

[00:09:37] And our next story does have an update as well titled,

[00:09:41] I feel my boyfriend has taken advantage of my kindness.

[00:09:44] I confronted him.

[00:09:46] Am I the asshole here?

[00:09:47] And this is from Left in the Lurch from the Am I the Asshole Here subreddit.

[00:09:51] It says,

[00:10:22] I never have asked him for money.

[00:10:24] Not for rent.

[00:10:25] Not for utilities.

[00:10:26] Not for the groceries I always have to buy.

[00:10:29] He never goes shopping for any food or household supplies.

[00:10:32] Two separate instances I have asked if he could get toilet paper.

[00:10:36] Once he bought a chintzy four pack at the gas station he was already shopping at,

[00:10:40] which I'm assuming is just to tie this over until I get a more realistic package.

[00:10:45] He has IBS and goes through a lot.

[00:10:47] And the second time he bought in a big garbage bag of almost empty rolls from his bathrooms at work,

[00:10:53] which they save.

[00:10:54] He doesn't cook and said in the past it's not important to him or he doesn't think of it.

[00:10:59] Yet will certainly eat the food I buy and make.

[00:11:02] For the most part I was more than happy to provide,

[00:11:05] but as time goes on I feel like I'm carrying the mental load of living together by myself.

[00:11:10] My apartment is in disarray and I can never get it under control with only me doing any work.

[00:11:15] I've mentioned parts of above to him over the last year

[00:11:18] and sometimes it would result in him sheepishly doing one sink full of dishes and leaving the rest for me.

[00:11:24] Or when I tell him he has to figure out dinner for us for one night out of the 7 because I'm working late.

[00:11:29] That means he's door dashing us something at 8pm.

[00:11:33] It's things like that that make me start to resent him and kill my attraction.

[00:11:37] It hurts my feelings.

[00:11:39] He's such a nice guy.

[00:11:41] How can he be so thoughtless?

[00:11:43] It feels thoughtless to me anyway.

[00:11:45] I told him tonight I feel it would be best if we return to our old living situation.

[00:11:50] Him at his home and me alone here.

[00:11:53] I expressed I can't or won't handle all the responsibility of our lives cohabiting.

[00:11:59] He also said it really hurt my feelings that for Christmas he got me Drano.

[00:12:04] Ah dearie and me.

[00:12:06] Which he waited to give me on Christmas.

[00:12:08] Meanwhile the sink has been backing up for a month.

[00:12:10] And a set of ladles.

[00:12:12] He didn't say anything.

[00:12:14] He just sat there and stared at me.

[00:12:16] I asked if he had anything to say.

[00:12:18] Any feelings about it.

[00:12:19] He said he didn't know what to say.

[00:12:21] Then I felt insulted.

[00:12:23] There are far too many women in the same situation.

[00:12:27] I'm finding as I read Reddit.

[00:12:29] Are all men truly just one track minded?

[00:12:31] They only think of themselves.

[00:12:33] Why don't men just take the initiative to help their partners without having to be given lists.

[00:12:38] Or told what to do.

[00:12:39] Or nagged about it.

[00:12:42] And we're starting the comments with icy thanks.

[00:12:44] Listen to yourself.

[00:12:46] Why are you with this child?

[00:12:47] Wait.

[00:12:48] I just got to the Christmas slash Drano.

[00:12:50] What the fuck?

[00:12:51] Have some respect for yourself and dump this guy immediately.

[00:12:55] Yeah no replies to that saying.

[00:12:56] Don't forget the high end ladle set.

[00:12:58] Psycho soon says my sister.

[00:13:00] What in the actual fuck are you doing?

[00:13:02] Drano.

[00:13:04] Change the locks.

[00:13:06] Put his stuff on the lawn and call him to come get it before it rains.

[00:13:09] You need to drop the idiot like a bad habit.

[00:13:11] He's been using you as his bang maid and it's astounded that you figured it out.

[00:13:15] Do not go back to him.

[00:13:17] Someone says he should be an ex.

[00:13:19] To which why am I so awesome replies to that saying.

[00:13:21] Yep.

[00:13:22] My ex followed up a few weeks later when he was stoned with a phone call about how he misses all the things that I did for him.

[00:13:28] Cooking.

[00:13:28] Cleaning.

[00:13:29] Washing.

[00:13:29] And I didn't miss the things that he did for me.

[00:13:32] When I asked what he actually did for me.

[00:13:34] It was make a coffee first thing.

[00:13:36] He got up first anyway and put petrol in the car.

[00:13:39] No.

[00:13:39] I don't miss those things.

[00:13:41] Like at all.

[00:13:42] He couldn't even claim to have mowed the lawn because that was a foot high.

[00:13:46] I was being stubborn and refused.

[00:13:48] He lent our lawnmower to his friend for two rent inspections in between mowing ours.

[00:13:53] And he didn't take the trash out.

[00:13:54] Despite having a dog that would get in the bin.

[00:13:57] So.

[00:13:59] Opie came back into the post and said.

[00:14:00] So.

[00:14:00] Since this.

[00:14:01] He was still in my living room for a few hours.

[00:14:03] I've been in bed with covid.

[00:14:05] And laying there.

[00:14:06] I got miffed.

[00:14:07] I walked back in and asked twice more.

[00:14:09] You have nothing to say.

[00:14:11] No words.

[00:14:12] No.

[00:14:13] I'm so sorry you feel that way.

[00:14:15] What can I do?

[00:14:16] Nothing.

[00:14:17] No emotion.

[00:14:18] I can't believe it.

[00:14:19] This was supposed to be my best friend.

[00:14:22] I told him we're breaking up and he needs to go home now.

[00:14:25] I'm honestly really surprised and hurt by his lack of reaction.

[00:14:29] I should have known.

[00:14:30] Update 2.

[00:14:31] I packed the stings and he packed up this morning.

[00:14:34] I asked him again if he has any feelings about this and he was silent.

[00:14:38] I'm sorry but I started to cry because it's just so hurtful.

[00:14:42] He said he was blindsided then silent.

[00:14:44] I said that's all I get after two and a half years in tears and he just said.

[00:14:49] Bye Lauren.

[00:14:51] Like you always would.

[00:14:52] I needed him to hear me.

[00:14:54] Or understand where I was coming from but I guess he doesn't.

[00:14:57] Or doesn't care to.

[00:14:59] He's alright with just walking away with his things.

[00:15:02] With no conversational words from the heart.

[00:15:04] That is the most painful thing out of all of this.

[00:15:07] His talks of getting a house.

[00:15:09] Getting married.

[00:15:10] Why bother if you're just going to throw in the towel when me supporting us gets overwhelming.

[00:15:15] For those of you who asked why I kept this going for so long.

[00:15:18] We met when my father died and grew close.

[00:15:20] I wanted to have him in my life.

[00:15:22] He was positive and a breath of fresh air from my former partners.

[00:15:26] He was a kind, sensitive, thoughtful, caring guy when I met him.

[00:15:29] He even on his own volition promised me he wouldn't be a low tier dude like the others.

[00:15:35] I don't know if he's on the spectrum.

[00:15:37] Many of you asked.

[00:15:38] He's joked about it in the past.

[00:15:40] He's not a bad guy.

[00:15:41] I guess he really just doesn't care.

[00:15:43] And I've got to accept and try to learn from where I went wrong in the beginning.

[00:15:47] So, someone asked OP.

[00:15:49] They said, sounds like he was looking for a reason to leave.

[00:15:52] OP says, I think that's the case.

[00:15:54] He was just waiting or looking for a way to end our relationship.

[00:15:58] I would have preferred to have known.

[00:16:00] Which OP comes in with one more update and says, you know what?

[00:16:04] I painted him in a bad light.

[00:16:06] Sure, these things happen.

[00:16:07] But ultimately, he's a good guy.

[00:16:09] Maybe we're just not a good fit.

[00:16:12] Perhaps I went about things in a wrong way by escalating it so quickly.

[00:16:15] Perhaps I'm too quick to blame and not good at communicating in our relationship.

[00:16:20] Either way, I got the space I so desperately wanted.

[00:16:23] I appreciate all your input today.

[00:16:25] The response was astounding.

[00:16:27] I guess the takeaway to my failed relationship is to be sure to check in with your partners.

[00:16:32] Where they're at.

[00:16:33] If their needs are being met.

[00:16:34] If there's anything you can do.

[00:16:36] If you're both still on the same page.

[00:16:40] But now, I'm going to turn this one to you guys.

[00:16:43] What do you guys make of this situation?

[00:16:46] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:16:49] Let's have another story from the Am I the Arsehole subreddit.

[00:16:53] Doesn't have an update as yet.

[00:16:54] But it's from OverallCandy4513 and says,

[00:16:57] Am I the Arsehole for not continuing my reception after my husband went behind my back?

[00:17:04] My now husband, Lucas, 26, and I, female, 25, were getting married.

[00:17:09] We decided to tie their nods as we're having a little girl together and are madly in love.

[00:17:14] So leading up to the wedding day, Lucas told me that his best man, Jacob,

[00:17:19] wanted to propose to his girlfriend as it would be a great time and it is a nice venue to do it at.

[00:17:24] I said that I didn't want him to propose at our wedding as it is our special moment, not theirs,

[00:17:30] and that they can do it sometime else.

[00:17:32] Lucas told me that his friend was mad that I didn't agree.

[00:17:35] I just wanted the wedding to be about us because it was our special day.

[00:17:40] After that disagreement, I thought nothing of it.

[00:17:43] Fast forward to my wedding day.

[00:17:45] Oh no.

[00:17:46] We had finished the church service and now we're at the reception and we were all having fun eating.

[00:17:52] I'm eating my food and then Jacob stops the music at the DJ booth to make an announcement.

[00:17:58] I just knew from that moment he was going to propose.

[00:18:01] I looked to see where Lucas was and he was holding red and white roses,

[00:18:06] walking out to stand in front of Chloe, Jacob's girlfriend, spelling out,

[00:18:10] Will you marry me?

[00:18:11] I was shocked that they went behind my back when I said no.

[00:18:15] I got up out of my seat and walked out.

[00:18:18] It's been two days since the wedding and my husband cursed me out for not letting them have a special moment.

[00:18:23] I responded with,

[00:18:25] I wanted the day to be about us because it's our wedding, not theirs,

[00:18:28] and I'm happy for them.

[00:18:30] But the worst thing was, even though I said no, he went behind my back about it.

[00:18:34] Since that argument, he moved to the guest bedroom

[00:18:37] and now most of my friends are cursing me out on all my socials.

[00:18:40] Am I the arsehole?

[00:18:43] And we'll start off with Lost All Doubt who says not the arsehole times three.

[00:18:47] There are so many posts here on the revenge forums about arseholes who propose at other people's weddings.

[00:18:53] It's a terrible thing to do and I'm surprised his girlfriend didn't turn down the engagement for doing something like that.

[00:18:59] If he wanted a nice venue, he should have paid for a nice dinner or something.

[00:19:03] Not use the celebration you just spent thousands of dollars on to make it about him.

[00:19:07] I'd be requesting the cost of their meals back.

[00:19:09] The fact that your new husband went behind your back is also pretty terrible.

[00:19:14] Your friends who are cursing you out on social media can easily be removed from your life.

[00:19:18] Your husband though?

[00:19:19] I think this is something that wouldn't have to be discussed in couples counseling

[00:19:22] so he can see what a selfish backhanded thing he did.

[00:19:26] Kiwi Sparkle says not the arsehole.

[00:19:28] The friend is an arsehole and a cheapskate and he should have backed off the minute he realized you didn't like the idea.

[00:19:34] Your husband is the bigger arsehole.

[00:19:36] If your husband can't respect a simple decision like that on your wedding day, see it as a sign for your future.

[00:19:41] Getting this marriage annulled that won't last long if you aren't prepared to be a doormat.

[00:19:45] I'm going to go with what typically happens as well.

[00:19:48] You as the bride probably put more effort into this day than the grooms so truly this should have been your choice.

[00:19:54] If you care about people's opinions, send out one mass text explaining what happened and how your wishes were disrespected.

[00:20:00] Then go silent.

[00:20:02] One final comment from Forget Regret one day who says,

[00:20:06] Why do people think it's okay to do this?

[00:20:08] It's not.

[00:20:09] Especially when they're told no.

[00:20:10] Though I suspect your now husband told him to do it even after you said not to.

[00:20:14] Which is the bigger issue in my mind.

[00:20:17] I'm really sorry this happened.

[00:20:18] It's unacceptable and hurtful that these selfish people are so cheap that they take a day someone else planned and paid for to make it their own.

[00:20:26] I have a million suggestions for things you can do at their wedding but that doesn't help you now.

[00:20:31] Your husband messed up big time and doesn't seem to care that he hurt you.

[00:20:35] Not the arsehole.

[00:20:37] Thinking of like people taking over moments etc etc.

[00:20:40] There was a story I read once.

[00:20:43] I don't know if it was on like Facebook or something like that.

[00:20:45] One of the social medias about the London Eye.

[00:20:48] And basically with the London Eye you can either book like to go in with a group of people like random.

[00:20:53] So you just pay for your ticket and get on and go round.

[00:20:56] Or you can even book your own private booth.

[00:20:58] So it's just you and whoever you want to go in this booth and go round.

[00:21:02] Obviously it's a lot more expensive.