I Discovered My Girlfriend Has Been A Secret Internet Bully For 8 Years r/Relationships

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[00:01:03] [SPEAKER_01]: I am absolutely dumbfounded on what to do.

[00:01:07] [SPEAKER_01]: I came home from work today and noticed my partner just sitting at the desk laughing to herself

[00:01:13] [SPEAKER_01]: with her headphones on, so I assumed she was watching a movie or something and left it at

[00:01:17] [SPEAKER_01]: that.

[00:01:18] [SPEAKER_01]: Not long after I poked my head around I was going to ask her what she wanted for dinner

[00:01:22] [SPEAKER_01]: and to my surprise she was on Reddit, which was odd to me because she is anti-social

[00:01:27] [SPEAKER_01]: media etc.

[00:01:29] [SPEAKER_01]: I thought it was nice she was trying something as she suffers from agoraphobia and doesn't

[00:01:34] [SPEAKER_01]: get out much without me.

[00:01:36] [SPEAKER_01]: I briefly got a glimpse at her name and thought it would be interesting to see what she has

[00:01:40] [SPEAKER_01]: posted.

[00:01:41] [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, I know this was an invasion of privacy.

[00:01:44] [SPEAKER_01]: And to my shock the account was 8 years old.

[00:01:47] [SPEAKER_01]: This means it predated our relationship by a couple of years.

[00:01:51] [SPEAKER_01]: What's even more shocking was the stuff she had said on there.

[00:01:54] [SPEAKER_01]: So much hate towards random people for seemingly no reason at all.

[00:02:00] [SPEAKER_01]: This was not just one comment here and there either, literally just an account dedicated

[00:02:05] [SPEAKER_01]: to hating on people and she seemed proud of it in her comments.

[00:02:09] [SPEAKER_01]: One recent example was she spent an entire day just hassling someone.

[00:02:14] [SPEAKER_01]: It doesn't even stop there because she will make up stories, fat shame people,

[00:02:18] [SPEAKER_01]: bullying those with disabilities.

[00:02:20] [SPEAKER_01]: This one hurts as she knows I have autism and claims everyone who tells her she needs

[00:02:25] [SPEAKER_01]: is projecting.

[00:02:27] [SPEAKER_01]: I would sometimes come back from work and should be in a bad mood but wouldn't tell me why.

[00:02:32] [SPEAKER_01]: Upon looking at her comment history, a lot of her bad mood seemed to line up with days

[00:02:36] [SPEAKER_01]: she got downvoted a lot.

[00:02:38] [SPEAKER_01]: She even goes as far as to lie about her physical appearance just to bring down

[00:02:42] [SPEAKER_01]: others.

[00:02:43] [SPEAKER_01]: It's sick.

[00:02:44] [SPEAKER_01]: How do I even approach this?

[00:02:46] [SPEAKER_01]: This stuff is just downright hateful and I don't want her to freak out at me.

[00:02:50] [SPEAKER_01]: What do I even do?

[00:02:52] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm scared she's just one argument away from someone coming to find her.

[00:02:56] [SPEAKER_01]: I feel like when people do this sort of stuff on troll accounts, it shows a lot about

[00:03:02] [SPEAKER_01]: their character and who they actually are and I'm not trying to make the post about

[00:03:06] [SPEAKER_01]: me just trying to relate as I sometimes do with these stories because I've seen

[00:03:10] [SPEAKER_01]: this time and time again you know I've been emailed all sorts of different things

[00:03:14] [SPEAKER_01]: in the past which you may have seen about my father who passed away.

[00:03:18] [SPEAKER_01]: I've been sent a picture of my house so they're just showing that they know where I live.

[00:03:23] [SPEAKER_01]: I've been called to see you next Tuesday, people trying to bait me to say certain things

[00:03:27] [SPEAKER_01]: and you sit there wondering that there's these people out there trying to do this sort

[00:03:31] [SPEAKER_01]: of shit bully others, pick on others, be horrid to others.

[00:03:36] [SPEAKER_01]: This is their life.

[00:03:36] [SPEAKER_01]: They're sat there behind this computer taking joy out of that is wild to me.

[00:03:41] [SPEAKER_01]: I mean it shouldn't be because there's people like in real life that just as toxic

[00:03:45] [SPEAKER_01]: but if I discovered this about a partner I don't I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to look past

[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_01]: it because that would play on my mind and you know I'm not saying OP should do this but for

[00:03:56] [SPEAKER_01]: my peace of mind if I was in this situation because I'm not someone who can let things

[00:03:59] [SPEAKER_01]: lie because I'd always be thinking I'd want to know what the hell is going through her mind

[00:04:04] [SPEAKER_01]: I would have to ask what are you doing why are you doing this but Marauder says this is the

[00:04:09] [SPEAKER_01]: person you were dating this is how she behaves when there are no consequences of her actions

[00:04:14] [SPEAKER_01]: she is not a kind person.

[00:04:18] [SPEAKER_01]: Rounders and knickers says what do you think about having a partner who secretly likes to

[00:04:22] [SPEAKER_01]: be cruel to others and thinks it's funny only you can answer that successful says agreed

[00:04:27] [SPEAKER_01]: and the fact that her entire day slash mood can be ruined just because she gets downvotes

[00:04:31] [SPEAKER_01]: is concerning and extremely unhealthy I mean if you need that level of validation for yourself

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_01]: esteem from internet strangers I think that some therapy appointments are desperately needed

[00:04:43] [SPEAKER_01]: Agripples says especially when coupled with the fact that she's a troll like

[00:04:47] [SPEAKER_01]: I feel kind of bad for two seconds if I get downvoted when I talk about something personal

[00:04:51] [SPEAKER_01]: but then I have the option of deleting it or ignoring it and going on with my life

[00:04:55] [SPEAKER_01]: if I knew I was writing something controversial why would the downvotes bother me

[00:05:00] [SPEAKER_01]: so she likes to be deliberately antagonistic but then the fallout can ruin her mood

[00:05:05] [SPEAKER_01]: so strange a user says catfish her and then cry at the dinner table over the ableist redditor

[00:05:12] [SPEAKER_01]: who ruined your self-esteem hope to find this on borah in a few weeks I'm not saying OP should

[00:05:18] [SPEAKER_01]: do that but that would be interesting KMF says I find it so pathetic that she's agoraphobic

[00:05:24] [SPEAKER_01]: which implies she has anxiety around social interactions being humiliated etc but she's

[00:05:29] [SPEAKER_01]: being cruel to others online and that definitely affects her anxiety and mental health this

[00:05:34] [SPEAKER_01]: is a shitty person and I've cut my losses to be honest and a final comment from public pool who

[00:05:39] [SPEAKER_01]: says kind of creepy that she has kept this a big secret for so long it's also strange that she

[00:05:44] [SPEAKER_01]: is capable of being mean to total strangers and enjoys belittling others without you having a clue

[00:05:49] [SPEAKER_01]: she sounds like she has some unaddressed mental health issues that old saying mean

[00:05:53] [SPEAKER_01]: people suck is still true so OP comes in with her update and says I had a lot of message

[00:05:59] [SPEAKER_01]: requests asking if the post was about them if you thought that then I think it's time

[00:06:03] [SPEAKER_01]: to stop your crappy behavior want to address some comments from the last post I'm pretty sure she

[00:06:09] [SPEAKER_01]: is blocked from this subredditors all of her comments on this sub were removed according to a remove

[00:06:13] [SPEAKER_01]: reddit site and I also blocked her account while slightly adjusting the ages after sitting for

[00:06:19] [SPEAKER_01]: a good hour last night looking down her profile in depth and bookmarking her worst stuff I decided

[00:06:25] [SPEAKER_01]: to bring it up with her I was going to ask a mutual friend round but I didn't want to embarrass

[00:06:30] [SPEAKER_01]: her so I instead put my phone and record in my pocket in case she was going to claim I did

[00:06:34] [SPEAKER_01]: anything against her I waited until after lunch and asked her if she could just stay there for a minute

[00:06:40] [SPEAKER_01]: set my phone to record and then brought up screenshots on the tablet her face dropped

[00:06:45] [SPEAKER_01]: she walked out of the room after a few seconds of scrolling I was going to go after her but

[00:06:50] [SPEAKER_01]: I left it she came down and just said sorry I asked why she was saying sorry to me to which

[00:06:56] [SPEAKER_01]: she responded I don't know I asked why she did it and I just got another I don't know

[00:07:02] [SPEAKER_01]: I showed her one of the screenshots where she claims my friends love how much of a

[00:07:06] [SPEAKER_01]: see you next Tuesday I am online I asked if any of her friends knew and she said no just me

[00:07:13] [SPEAKER_01]: I brought up the fact that I couldn't wrap my head around why someone would

[00:07:16] [SPEAKER_01]: dedicate so much time to this and she said at first it was just a way to blow off steam

[00:07:22] [SPEAKER_01]: but then it felt nice because I saw people were agreeing with me and it became a part of my daily

[00:07:27] [SPEAKER_01]: routine I guess after some more talking I addressed how much she hurt me with her attacks on people

[00:07:33] [SPEAKER_01]: with mental health problems to which she just said I doubt they even had any issues they were

[00:07:38] [SPEAKER_01]: just playing victim because they were losing the argument I have packed my things and going to

[00:07:43] [SPEAKER_01]: stay at a friend's house I'm going to block Reddit on the internet service provider and

[00:07:47] [SPEAKER_01]: asked her to not contact me for a couple of days while I think I've also asked her to find a

[00:07:51] [SPEAKER_01]: place to stay as I can't stay at my mates for too long and want to go on a break if I'm honest

[00:07:57] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know if I ever want to see her again I was going to ask her to apologize to everyone she

[00:08:01] [SPEAKER_01]: calls shit for but at this point I know she won't mean it any further updates will be done

[00:08:07] [SPEAKER_01]: via this post the top comments on this one says a fact that you felt the need to record this

[00:08:13] [SPEAKER_01]: conversation in your phone makes me feel like this is not a healthy relationship regardless of

[00:08:17] [SPEAKER_01]: the Reddit trolling a year of storm says judge people by how they treat those they can hurt with

[00:08:23] [SPEAKER_01]: impunity she's an online bully brawl to people when she is anonymous and there are no consequences

[00:08:29] [SPEAKER_01]: you are making the right decision okie dokie says yep your character is how you behave when people

[00:08:35] [SPEAKER_01]: aren't looking I think being anonymous online is the same thing I couldn't see this ending any

[00:08:41] [SPEAKER_01]: other way to be quite honest out of that situation sort of good riddance because even after all

[00:08:46] [SPEAKER_01]: this and he confronted her on it she says I doubt they even had any issues they would just play in

[00:08:52] [SPEAKER_01]: the victim it says all I need to know really but what do you guys make of this situation let us

[00:08:59] [SPEAKER_01]: know your thoughts down in the comments below and let's move on to another story now before

[00:09:05] [SPEAKER_01]: we do get into our next story I do want to give you a warning there is talking of death of a

[00:09:11] [SPEAKER_01]: child so if you do want to skip the story please feel free to do so timestamps are always

[00:09:15] [SPEAKER_01]: down in the description and along the timeline below thank you this was from a throwaway account who

[00:09:20] [SPEAKER_01]: says am I the asshole for overreacting to the true fate of my little sister's remains my mother

[00:09:26] [SPEAKER_01]: and father divorced when I was young they had an oops baby together after my mum remarried which

[00:09:31] [SPEAKER_01]: rocked that marriage apart that oops baby was my little sister she died abruptly in an accident

[00:09:37] [SPEAKER_01]: four years ago at only 14 you know how people say the first after death are the hardest they

[00:09:45] [SPEAKER_01]: don't account for when there's no first to be had but they should have been getting ready for prom

[00:09:49] [SPEAKER_01]: but never will it's a completely different pain my mum and I were talking about it we were both

[00:09:56] [SPEAKER_01]: drinking and she slipped that my bit of ashes a carry that I thought with my sisters were just

[00:10:01] [SPEAKER_01]: regular ashes burnt wood she already poured out my sister's ashes without me or my brother in

[00:10:07] [SPEAKER_01]: a plot she bought with my stepdad she couldn't fathom my rage because to her the sentiment and

[00:10:13] [SPEAKER_01]: emotions are the important aspects but as physically my sister my anger is prompted by the lies and

[00:10:20] [SPEAKER_01]: the fact that those sentiments and emotions are attached to something not my little sister

[00:10:24] [SPEAKER_01]: I had no idea she cast her ashes on a plot she wouldn't have cared about I screamed at her

[00:10:30] [SPEAKER_01]: to get out of my house lock in the door behind her and calling up my stepdad to pick her up

[00:10:34] [SPEAKER_01]: I threw the necklace out the window to the front lawn then regretted it and tore it out of her hands

[00:10:40] [SPEAKER_01]: when she picked it up as she would say it I made a scene and embarrassed her I kept screaming and

[00:10:46] [SPEAKER_01]: calling her a liar whenever she tried to explain herself or get back inside I was threatening

[00:10:51] [SPEAKER_01]: to call the cops on her when my stepdad finally showed up and took her away he called me the

[00:10:57] [SPEAKER_01]: next day and left a message saying that he wanted to talk about what happened and how he understands

[00:11:02] [SPEAKER_01]: why I'm angry and hurt he just wants to talk but I need to talk to my mother too about this because

[00:11:08] [SPEAKER_01]: she's a grieving mother emphasis is and my sister's death was a huge bloated entire family

[00:11:14] [SPEAKER_01]: and everyone is trying to regain our bearing still so some kindness is needed all I can think of

[00:11:20] [SPEAKER_01]: right now as my mom's heart broken face as I rip my necklace with my sister's ashes out of

[00:11:26] [SPEAKER_01]: her hands while the way she turned away from me crying has my stepdad ushered her into the

[00:11:30] [SPEAKER_01]: car I called her names I let my pain and rage take over me but I can't get over the lies

[00:11:37] [SPEAKER_01]: four years of thinking my necklace had my sister of thinking she was right by my heart

[00:11:42] [SPEAKER_01]: and it all came undone because my mom had too much to drink how long would she have let me

[00:11:47] [SPEAKER_01]: think this how long would the lie continue and firstly I want to say I'm incredibly sorry

[00:11:53] [SPEAKER_01]: for your loss op but I was like what why did your mum say this in the first place I know

[00:11:59] [SPEAKER_01]: you said drink but what was going through her mind to drop this it seems like a such a

[00:12:05] [SPEAKER_01]: a weird thing to bring up like that I mean surely it wasn't as meant in jest like oh

[00:12:10] [SPEAKER_01]: you know that that necklace around your neck because that's not funny is it it's just

[00:12:13] [SPEAKER_01]: why would you say that center of chaos says yeah your mother is grieving but you

[00:12:18] [SPEAKER_01]: have very living child are too having your mother lied to you about something important

[00:12:22] [SPEAKER_01]: is going to get an emotional reaction what you did is up to you but I wouldn't let

[00:12:27] [SPEAKER_01]: her frame this is embarrassing her or that she's a victim in any way she lied about it

[00:12:32] [SPEAKER_01]: she got drunk and tattled on herself these are the consequences of her own actions

[00:12:36] [SPEAKER_01]: the a** crack band it replies that says the mum thought that there was going to be a cute little

[00:12:41] [SPEAKER_01]: anecdote what the f*** kind of person does that kind of stuff casually just drops a bomb

[00:12:47] [SPEAKER_01]: op responded saying it was an absolute mistake on her part that she even said it

[00:12:51] [SPEAKER_01]: we were talking about prom season and how hard it can be to be reminded of things that my

[00:12:56] [SPEAKER_01]: sister would have loved then she started to say I start crying before I even reached the

[00:13:01] [SPEAKER_01]: cemetery sometimes and she named it by name I started flipping then and I was like what cemetery

[00:13:07] [SPEAKER_01]: why that cemetery in a sort of why are we talking about cemeteries when we were talking about her

[00:13:13] [SPEAKER_01]: way I kept pushing her for an explanation and that's when the whole thing came out

[00:13:18] [SPEAKER_01]: and also like raised more questions for me as well like how did the mum go about the

[00:13:24] [SPEAKER_01]: ashes thing the burnt wood which opi received there's a thought process behind that before you

[00:13:30] [SPEAKER_01]: do it and a grief does crazy things to people absolutely but at the same time you have to think

[00:13:36] [SPEAKER_01]: about this that I'm going to go burn some wood to give it to op as ashes that's wild

[00:13:42] [SPEAKER_01]: so op came in with a first update and says I gave my mother an ultimatum of either telling

[00:13:47] [SPEAKER_01]: my brother and father or I will she refused to because you reacted so horribly and she

[00:13:53] [SPEAKER_01]: told me not to tell because you're doing this to hurt me and you're just going to hurt them

[00:13:57] [SPEAKER_01]: so I told them I sat my dad and brother down and explained that the necklaces didn't have

[00:14:02] [SPEAKER_01]: the right ashes in them I've never seen my dad break like that and I've never heard my brother

[00:14:07] [SPEAKER_01]: scream at me like that he was angry that I knew before him and didn't immediately tell because

[00:14:12] [SPEAKER_01]: this is the shit you tell me you needed to tell me we tell each other everything

[00:14:16] [SPEAKER_01]: but he then started crying and apologizing to me admitting that he's just so mad about what

[00:14:21] [SPEAKER_01]: mom did they can't handle it so I guess that's clearly something else me and my brother share

[00:14:27] [SPEAKER_01]: get overwhelmed initially before cooler heads prevail my dad looked gutted but he was clearly

[00:14:33] [SPEAKER_01]: trying to piece himself back together he said a lot of the same other people had said to me on my

[00:14:37] [SPEAKER_01]: other post we can get some of the dirt from the plot where she was scattered the necklace has

[00:14:43] [SPEAKER_01]: the meaning we attribute to it and she's still with us even if her body hasn't been physically

[00:14:48] [SPEAKER_01]: with us I feel bad because some of it my mom said I either bit about the necklace being important

[00:14:53] [SPEAKER_01]: even without our ashes in it but I was able to accept that much easier from him maybe because he

[00:14:59] [SPEAKER_01]: didn't lie to me for four years and drop a bomb on me out of nowhere because I pulled apart a lie

[00:15:04] [SPEAKER_01]: he held my brother and I as we cried and he apologized for the pain they said it wasn't

[00:15:09] [SPEAKER_01]: fair that I had to be the adult when my mother should have told all of us a lot sooner

[00:15:15] [SPEAKER_01]: dad's going to try and talk to my stepfather to find a plot because my mom has been refusing to

[00:15:20] [SPEAKER_01]: talk to us anymore not answering messages or picking up the phone the social media has even gone dark

[00:15:26] [SPEAKER_01]: he's going to find out where the plot is and go to the site I don't know if I could if it were

[00:15:31] [SPEAKER_01]: up to me it just feels like the final bit of proof that this fucked up nightmare is real

[00:15:35] [SPEAKER_01]: and my sister is mixed with dirt and rocks and grass of an un-maintained and un-visited

[00:15:41] [SPEAKER_01]: plot my mom and I always had some issues but that's normal this is worse than anything and we had a

[00:15:47] [SPEAKER_01]: rough patch when I came out that we didn't even talk but we mended fences after I can't see ever

[00:15:53] [SPEAKER_01]: forgiving her not with how she dropped this on me blame me for my reaction and left me to do

[00:15:58] [SPEAKER_01]: what she should have done to top it off she won't even show the decency to explain why

[00:16:03] [SPEAKER_01]: or even talk to me when we were discussing cremation it was agreed we would all get a

[00:16:08] [SPEAKER_01]: necklace with the ashes my mind keeps going over things that just didn't add up fully time she

[00:16:14] [SPEAKER_01]: almost slipped or things that make complete sense now she almost left behind her necklace on a trip

[00:16:19] [SPEAKER_01]: and didn't freak out like I would have because she knew where my sister was the whole time she

[00:16:25] [SPEAKER_01]: volunteered to be the one to separate the ashes and gave dad the rest I assume those

[00:16:30] [SPEAKER_01]: ashes are the same as us fake god this whole thing just makes me want to curl up in the

[00:16:36] [SPEAKER_01]: hole and never see the light of day again I've been on and off crying all week without being able

[00:16:41] [SPEAKER_01]: to stop or just so angry I could scream in the middle of my damn workday and suddenly I'm rushing

[00:16:47] [SPEAKER_01]: to the bathroom to hide the fact that I'm breaking all over again because I can't stop my thoughts

[00:16:51] [SPEAKER_01]: I quit smoking after my sister died but I picked it right back up again my dad has been calling

[00:16:57] [SPEAKER_01]: me every day to check in on me and remind me of how much he loves me and how much my

[00:17:01] [SPEAKER_01]: brother loves me I think he's afraid my brother has come over each day since the talk with his

[00:17:06] [SPEAKER_01]: girlfriend to make sure I eat something I don't know how to end this post I feel lost like I don't

[00:17:13] [SPEAKER_01]: know anything anymore I feel like a burden because my dad and brother are both dealing with a revelation

[00:17:18] [SPEAKER_01]: too but they're clearly thinking of me and checking in on me I'm going to look into grief counseling

[00:17:23] [SPEAKER_01]: but the therapist I saw after my sister died isn't practicing anymore my insurance isn't accepting

[00:17:28] [SPEAKER_01]: a lot of therapists I try to remind myself that my little sister wouldn't have minded so much

[00:17:33] [SPEAKER_01]: becoming woven in a tapestry of grass and flowers and I can visit her once we know where she was cast

[00:17:39] [SPEAKER_01]: and make sure her sight is always beautiful thank you to everyone who helped me and shared their

[00:17:44] [SPEAKER_01]: own perspectives and stories I really appreciate it someone says to op you mentioned she said the

[00:17:50] [SPEAKER_01]: cemetery's name when she tattled on herself and you call and ask about the plot it's probably

[00:17:55] [SPEAKER_01]: under your mother's or your sister's name then you can visit and not have to go through your

[00:17:59] [SPEAKER_01]: mother at all opi says it's my mother and stepfather's plot if trying through my stepfather

[00:18:06] [SPEAKER_01]: fails I'll try that I didn't think I could just call up and say is there an empty plot section

[00:18:11] [SPEAKER_01]: for the so-and-so family but it's worth trying family guy says I'm ahead of a cemetery commission

[00:18:18] [SPEAKER_01]: just call them up we don't care about drama just information the best of luck to you

[00:18:23] [SPEAKER_01]: opi says thank you so much that means a lot then a month later opi comes in with another update and

[00:18:30] [SPEAKER_01]: says this has probably been the worst month of my life in years sorry to the mod for so many posts

[00:18:35] [SPEAKER_01]: edits I tried to find a grave and she's not there thank for my mother and stepdad

[00:18:40] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to start with the minor stuff that's been happening or whatever because my head just

[00:18:44] [SPEAKER_01]: feels like a brick I got a promotion that I've been aiming for before everything my boss did

[00:18:49] [SPEAKER_01]: tell me I'd already got it before all this happened and it was held off on announcing so

[00:18:54] [SPEAKER_01]: I could have time to process before I had to adjust to the new job requirements

[00:18:58] [SPEAKER_01]: it couldn't even feel proud I know a month ago I would have but I feel numb I'm working a lot more

[00:19:04] [SPEAKER_01]: hours now than normal usually about 6am to 7pm give or take hey checks look nice I guess my dad

[00:19:11] [SPEAKER_01]: keeps telling me I need to work less so does my brother but my job is one that engages my mind

[00:19:16] [SPEAKER_01]: enough that I'm nearly brain dead by the time I'm home which is nice I'm non-binary and prefer

[00:19:22] [SPEAKER_01]: they then pronouns but she and her are not offensive realized belatedly that people were calling me that

[00:19:28] [SPEAKER_01]: I started drinking more than usual after blacking out one night I let my dad take it all and I

[00:19:33] [SPEAKER_01]: haven't bought more I don't think I've ever gotten blackout before so it's terrifying to

[00:19:37] [SPEAKER_01]: hear about the night but barely have any recollection of it about my sister my mother

[00:19:43] [SPEAKER_01]: finally responded to my brother and according to him she was a wreck all tears all apologies all

[00:19:49] [SPEAKER_01]: you have to understand there must be something wrong with me because I look at her and I want

[00:19:54] [SPEAKER_01]: to hurt her I want to break her heart I want to make a spectacle of her disgusting behavior

[00:20:00] [SPEAKER_01]: I want to ruin her life I think part of me recognizes that's why I'm not so overly

[00:20:05] [SPEAKER_01]: cautious about details but at the same time I can't do it a rational part of my mind kicks

[00:20:11] [SPEAKER_01]: in and I realize that it wouldn't do anything but make it worse I just feel guilty and sick after the

[00:20:17] [SPEAKER_01]: brief moment of satisfaction but then I think to myself so how and why could you do that to us

[00:20:23] [SPEAKER_01]: for years her and my brother had much better relationship than her and I ever did she still

[00:20:29] [SPEAKER_01]: did that to him like yeah dad and he never got better after the divorce and after the affair

[00:20:35] [SPEAKER_01]: they struggled with even co-parenting for a multitude of reasons her and I have had our

[00:20:40] [SPEAKER_01]: issues but the bond between her and my brother has always been strong or at least it used to be

[00:20:45] [SPEAKER_01]: and she did it to him of all people she tried telling my brother that she did it impulsively

[00:20:52] [SPEAKER_01]: in a fit of peak but when he pressured her about why she was the one volunteer to handle

[00:20:57] [SPEAKER_01]: filling the necklaces she said that it was because she was okay with it at first but then

[00:21:01] [SPEAKER_01]: when she saw the ashes she didn't want to destroy her further her word there destroyed

[00:21:07] [SPEAKER_01]: like the relationship between her living children like our trust in her like the memorial we agreed

[00:21:13] [SPEAKER_01]: upon for my sister I didn't know how to feel if I even trust her story but her wording makes me

[00:21:19] [SPEAKER_01]: feel like it was planned God yet again it becomes an accidental revelation where she tried to uphold

[00:21:26] [SPEAKER_01]: a lie but got caught and that's how the truth came to light I managed to talk to the funeral

[00:21:31] [SPEAKER_01]: director my sister's fingerprints are part of their records I'm going to get a touch tattooed

[00:21:36] [SPEAKER_01]: I found a means of getting that on the necklace so my brother and dad can have that if they don't

[00:21:41] [SPEAKER_01]: want to tattoo still struggling to get in contact with the owners of the cemetery a lot of unanswered

[00:21:47] [SPEAKER_01]: emails and voicemails I've also been looking for therapists and counselors in my area or ones

[00:21:52] [SPEAKER_01]: doing telehealth have an appointment upcoming but I'm nervous my stepfather a step back

[00:21:57] [SPEAKER_01]: he said a boundary that he won't talk to us until we agree to discuss this without

[00:22:01] [SPEAKER_01]: blaming anyone and anytime the conversation starts going towards asking about motive or

[00:22:06] [SPEAKER_01]: who knew what and when he says the conversation needs to end he's even hung up on us before and

[00:22:12] [SPEAKER_01]: threatened the cops on me even implying it'd be deserved after I did the same to my mother

[00:22:18] [SPEAKER_01]: a month later op updates again and says I wish I could give good news but there's not been much

[00:22:23] [SPEAKER_01]: and I haven't had much time besides working I'm just going to keep on doing whatever this

[00:22:27] [SPEAKER_01]: is so long there's not a problem I went to therapy I tried a few sessions and I'm so grateful

[00:22:32] [SPEAKER_01]: she worked with me to get me on her books but she wasn't helpful for me I wasn't clicking with her

[00:22:38] [SPEAKER_01]: and I felt unheard I'm still on the hunt for a therapist I feel very entitled saying that

[00:22:43] [SPEAKER_01]: my father is not as well as he wants to pretend he's so focused on fixing this first that

[00:22:48] [SPEAKER_01]: he's lost sight of himself I hate seeing him like this my brother is angry I've never in

[00:22:54] [SPEAKER_01]: my life seen him so mad or I didn't say such horrific things about our mother and stepfather

[00:22:59] [SPEAKER_01]: we're all just existing it seems my brother tried the plot hack idea the cemetery is full they're

[00:23:05] [SPEAKER_01]: not accepting new burials I tried as well and couldn't get even the plot numbers I got so

[00:23:10] [SPEAKER_01]: angry I was crying I didn't take it out on them as it's not the cemetery's fault I can't

[00:23:15] [SPEAKER_01]: manage my emotions but it was absolutely crushing to come across yet another block

[00:23:20] [SPEAKER_01]: our mother still went really talk to me with one exception event and even my brother is touching

[00:23:26] [SPEAKER_01]: go in conversation with her she's so quick to shut everything down the exception is this

[00:23:31] [SPEAKER_01]: my mother offered to let me purchase the plot from her she said I can share it with my brother

[00:23:36] [SPEAKER_01]: and this way we can be buried together where our sister is she phrased it like she was giving

[00:23:40] [SPEAKER_01]: me some sort of peace offering or paying me a favor all total costs the line of the plot

[00:23:45] [SPEAKER_01]: the headstone the permits because our state requires one for such sales the care will be over $9,500

[00:23:53] [SPEAKER_01]: her and my stepfather are willing to forgo the cost of the headstone to make it easier for my

[00:23:57] [SPEAKER_01]: brother and I to make up for us not being there for the scattering no mention about how dad wasn't

[00:24:03] [SPEAKER_01]: there either no true sorry just what amounts to if you want access to your sister pay me for

[00:24:09] [SPEAKER_01]: the privilege I want to say she doesn't intend it this way I want to agree with my stepfather

[00:24:14] [SPEAKER_01]: that this is her attempt to reconcile so I should meet her halfway I can't keep doing this I want

[00:24:20] [SPEAKER_01]: to put this behind me somehow I want to forget about the plot I want to forget about my mother entirely

[00:24:25] [SPEAKER_01]: it feels like it would be easier to completely cut her out make peace with what I have with my sister

[00:24:30] [SPEAKER_01]: and never ever think of my mother again I feel like a horrible child thinking that way

[00:24:36] [SPEAKER_01]: my stepfather's attitude doesn't help that feeling I tried explaining that I just want

[00:24:41] [SPEAKER_01]: some of the dirt on the plot for part of a memorial my stepdad started threatening to

[00:24:46] [SPEAKER_01]: sell it back to the cemetery because clearly nothing else will satisfy you my brother and I

[00:24:51] [SPEAKER_01]: are in agreement that it's a baseless threat especially if they really did cast our ashes

[00:24:56] [SPEAKER_01]: there because our mother would never do that and then separate from the plot we both know

[00:25:01] [SPEAKER_01]: even if we buy it from her she'll visit our sister still I can't help the niggling concern

[00:25:08] [SPEAKER_01]: that she did something else with the ashes then we think and what she's let on like the cemetery is

[00:25:13] [SPEAKER_01]: unrelated and she's somehow clever enough to keep up or think up a convoluted lie when drunk

[00:25:20] [SPEAKER_01]: keep looking at my bank account my brother doesn't want to buy an offer I don't think

[00:25:25] [SPEAKER_01]: but he's also still furious at the offer so I don't want to say he doesn't he means well

[00:25:30] [SPEAKER_01]: I think but anytime I try to broach the offer he starts in about how we're making our own

[00:25:35] [SPEAKER_01]: memorial and that her offer is needlessly cruel so I shouldn't entertain it I could afford it if

[00:25:41] [SPEAKER_01]: I shuffled some bills around and worked more almost for peace of mind I want to say yes and take the

[00:25:46] [SPEAKER_01]: offer she gave me a deadline I still have a bit of time but it doesn't feel like enough my dad

[00:25:52] [SPEAKER_01]: has taken over trying to figure out the legalities of the situation what he can do to force

[00:25:57] [SPEAKER_01]: her hand to share where the plot is or what he can do to make things better he's fit to

[00:26:02] [SPEAKER_01]: be tied he's doing what he can looking into what legal avenues we can pursue and what can

[00:26:07] [SPEAKER_01]: be done to force her to give the location it seems like we don't have many options it doesn't feel

[00:26:12] [SPEAKER_01]: right or fair he keeps saying what my brother has said trying to reassure me but I cannot think of it

[00:26:19] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not sleeping much these days I think the only thing going well in my life is my work

[00:26:23] [SPEAKER_01]: I still haven't had anything to drink I think maybe the next option we can try would be letting

[00:26:28] [SPEAKER_01]: the cemetery know ashes were illegally spread on their grounds but what were they doing response

[00:26:33] [SPEAKER_01]: I know I'm being paranoid or catastrophizing when I fear they'd do something to clean my sister from

[00:26:38] [SPEAKER_01]: the plot or take it away from my mother and I won't be able to access it so I guess the update

[00:26:44] [SPEAKER_01]: is everything has fucked up it has been since that stupid night with my mother I do want to

[00:26:48] [SPEAKER_01]: address the outpouring of support everyone here has given me this meant the world to me and

[00:26:54] [SPEAKER_01]: give me a place of stability an external perspective where my current life is far too close to provide

[00:26:59] [SPEAKER_01]: that thank you all so the top comment on that one said I'm so sorry your mother is awful and

[00:27:06] [SPEAKER_01]: you're not going to get closure if you buy the plot from her because your mother is going to find

[00:27:10] [SPEAKER_01]: other ways to torture you but not a bad child for wanting to cut off contact with her if

[00:27:16] [SPEAKER_01]: you're a bad child you feel gleeful about doing it I don't think your relationship with your

[00:27:20] [SPEAKER_01]: mother is salvageable I think she's a horrible horrible person for doing this to you and your

[00:27:25] [SPEAKER_01]: brother and yes she is forcing you to pay for the privilege knowing where she states she scattered

[00:27:30] [SPEAKER_01]: the ashes I don't think she did it there I think she's seriously mentally ill and after you

[00:27:35] [SPEAKER_01]: purchase it from her she will come up with another story of what she did with the ashes

[00:27:39] [SPEAKER_01]: I want to tell you something that helped me I don't know if this will help you but

[00:27:43] [SPEAKER_01]: all matter goes back into the universe and every breath you take every gaze at the stars

[00:27:48] [SPEAKER_01]: or the sky you're seeing your sister your sister is all around you where our ashes are it's not her

[00:27:54] [SPEAKER_01]: your mother is forcing you to go through the second loss and every time you feel that calming breeze

[00:28:00] [SPEAKER_01]: every time you see that twinkling star every tickle of pollen in your nose start to think of

[00:28:06] [SPEAKER_01]: that as your sister I'm an atheist so I'm not trying to say anything paranormal or supernatural

[00:28:11] [SPEAKER_01]: what I'm saying is her matter the essence of who she was never left you cannot destroy matter

[00:28:18] [SPEAKER_01]: she's around you she's just as around you as carbon and hydrogen and helium and oxygen and

[00:28:24] [SPEAKER_01]: all the other elements I wish all the best for you hope he responds it's in a lot of me recognizes

[00:28:30] [SPEAKER_01]: that it is pure symbolism at this point maybe even before then but it aches and I struggled to

[00:28:35] [SPEAKER_01]: deal with that maybe the next therapist I try will help with that their requirement says

[00:28:40] [SPEAKER_01]: how did you go about getting the necklaces of a fingerprint made that's a lovely idea have you

[00:28:46] [SPEAKER_01]: tried alternatives to getting your hands on some of her remains and dirt a memorial that is symbolic

[00:28:51] [SPEAKER_01]: instead of physical remains maybe a butterfly release let your mother know that if she continues

[00:28:56] [SPEAKER_01]: on this path she will lose all the remaining children try and take one day at a time and

[00:29:01] [SPEAKER_01]: one thing at a time you need to take care of you too poopy says the funeral home still

[00:29:06] [SPEAKER_01]: hasn't given me her prince yet I don't want to pressure how do we recognize there's been some weeks

[00:29:11] [SPEAKER_01]: another part of me feels like it was yesterday I'm almost frightened to pressure them because

[00:29:16] [SPEAKER_01]: what if they react the way my mother did the worst part is knowing you're being irrational

[00:29:21] [SPEAKER_01]: and not being able to not be irrational and all I can say is that my heart really goes out to

[00:29:27] [SPEAKER_01]: OP dealing with the grief and then having to deal with your mom's talk knows what's going

[00:29:32] [SPEAKER_01]: through her mind at the moment but having to deal with that at the same time I can only imagine

[00:29:37] [SPEAKER_01]: what you're going through I like that comment about saying your sister's all around you and it's

[00:29:42] [SPEAKER_01]: something that again I'm I doubt it's doubtful that it gives you peace of any sort because

[00:29:49] [SPEAKER_01]: we all deal with things in different ways like I always say but as I always talk about my mother

[00:29:54] [SPEAKER_01]: and father and I remember one day sitting on the edge of the bed with my mom just talking

[00:29:59] [SPEAKER_01]: about this is when it all came out like she wasn't in good health and she was going to pass away

[00:30:04] [SPEAKER_01]: sort of pretty soonish and we were talking about funeral arrangements and what she would like you

[00:30:11] [SPEAKER_01]: know it's a tough conversation but a conversation that needed to be had it was upsetting at the

[00:30:15] [SPEAKER_01]: time I can talk about it like I am now because it's in the past right and she was talking about

[00:30:21] [SPEAKER_01]: cremation just like where do you where do you want the ashes to go kind of thing and

[00:30:27] [SPEAKER_01]: initially I thought you know sort of Waymouth Beach because that was a place that she absolutely

[00:30:31] [SPEAKER_01]: loved but no she just wanted it in in the cemetery and her wording basically was it doesn't matter

[00:30:37] [SPEAKER_01]: where she spread will meet in the wind is what she always says and I'm not a very religious person

[00:30:44] [SPEAKER_01]: but I always like the thought and you know on a breezy day when you're just going for a walk

[00:30:49] [SPEAKER_01]: and listening and you get that breeze in your face and you it does cast back memories it's

[00:30:54] [SPEAKER_01]: got to be said and I really enjoy that but anyway I do wish you all the best going forward I hope you

[00:31:01] [SPEAKER_01]: find some kind of resolution to this in the end for you and your family but now I'm going to turn

[00:31:08] [SPEAKER_01]: this one to you guys what do you guys make of this situation let us know your thoughts down

[00:31:14] [SPEAKER_01]: in the comments below I just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved

[00:31:18] [SPEAKER_01]: in today's stories your love your support your time always means the absolute world to me so

[00:31:23] [SPEAKER_01]: thank you so so much and hopefully I'll see you in the next one take care and much love