I Didn't Tell My Father About My Sons Birth Due To His Partners Attitude r/Relationships

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[00:00:36] Like, Subscribe, Maybe That Notification Bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from a throwaway account and it says, Am I the arsehole for not telling my father and stepmother about my son's birth? And you may have heard previous parts of this story elsewhere but timestamps are always down in the description and along the timeline below. Thank you. It says,

[00:01:02] My 26 female father, 59 male, has been dating Paula, 38 female, for 4 years. I never got to know her well as I was about to move out when we met. My sister, 20 female, still lives between our parents and likes Paula but finds her annoying. Paula has an odd attitude towards pregnancy. It became the most obvious when my cousin announced she was expecting back in 2021.

[00:01:29] Her daughter would be the first great grandchild. We hadn't been sure my grandma would be around for that and after an emotional announcement in which everyone was overjoyed, Paula commented that she felt it wasn't a big deal and didn't get what all the fuss was about. She kept that stance for all nine months. But once the baby was born, Paula suddenly became a bit too interested in her, which my cousin was clearly uncomfortable with.

[00:01:54] My husband, 28 male, and I announced our pregnancy earlier this year. At first my father was over the moon. Since this is his first grandchild, I believed that would last. But as I heard from my sister, Paula was just as condescending as we expected, if not more. Whenever I announced anything about my pregnancy or baby, sex, first kicks, ultrasound pictures, etc., Paula always reacted with one of three phrases.

[00:02:22] Okay, that's not a big deal. Or is that all she talks about these days? I didn't care about it at first. But after a few weeks, I started to notice my father was also losing any interest he had in my pregnancy. As the months went by, he became increasingly detached and standoffish. He started to either ignore or not pay attention to most of the updates I made on my baby.

[00:02:46] He also didn't come to our name reveal. We did that instead of a gender reveal. It was literally just a lunch party with a game we made up. Or the baby shower because, and I quote, Paula doesn't think it's worth it.

[00:03:00] My son was born on Halloween, and I decided not to tell my father and Paula. After almost nine months of excuses and disinterest, I didn't see any reason to. I was in the hospital for four days, during which only mine and my husband's closest friends and family visited us. The day before we left, I posted a picture of my son on Instagram, and that's when my father found out. He called to ask why I hadn't told him and Paula or invited them to meet the baby.

[00:03:28] I didn't lie. They didn't make any efforts to get involved, both emotionally and physically during my pregnancy, so they'd have to wait for baby news like everybody else. My father and Paula are furious, accusing me of using my son as a pawn and keeping them away out of pettiness. They're saying I'm holding the fact that they missed a few dumb parties against them. My husband and pretty much my whole family agrees with me.

[00:03:53] My sister, while mostly on my side, still thinks I should have told my father, since this is his first grandchild and he had to find out he was born through social media. She thinks this is all Paula's fault, and I should apologize to our dad. Am I the arsehole? So there was a couple of top comments with replies from the OP. Realistic site said, not the arsehole, but I think you need to have a conversation with your dad.

[00:04:19] You need to let him know he will inevitably miss out on a lot more if he continues to mirror Paula's indifference and shared family milestones. It is not everyone else's responsibility to compensate. If he intends to have a relationship with his grandchildren, and also have a relationship with other relatives, he needs to be willing to do his part as well as express interest and participate. And no, it isn't about showing up to parties.

[00:04:44] It's about making an effort to be included when you're invited to be, and not dismiss those invitations as if they are meaningless. OP responds saying, I'm trying to make that clear to them. My father missed my graduation. Not coming to my baby shower doesn't bother me that much. It's the condescending attitude and lack of interest they both have been displaying my entire pregnancy that made me decide not to tell them. Substantial youth replies saying, not the arsehole. All of the everyone sucks here replies are dumb as hell.

[00:05:14] Paula has your dad twirled around her finger. The only two in-person baby events that you had, they didn't show up. And your dad was standoffish for the majority of your pregnancy due to Paula. He's a grown-ass man. He doesn't get to all of a sudden meet and be involved in his first grandchild's life when he barely cared before. Guaranteed he only wanted to come to the hospital for photos and to post on social media and show off. Apologizing to your dad will not do anything, but only enable his bullshit.

[00:05:42] He needs to step up, put his foot down to Paula, and show you that he genuinely and actively wants to be a part of your immediate family's life. Your dad can be updated via social media, until he gets his face out of his behind and acts like an actual father. Opie says my father is against posting pictures of children on social media, but he's definitely the type of person to try and show off in real life. That being said, I do believe he genuinely wanted to meet my son at the hospital. Portion of Sunshine says,

[00:06:11] Honestly, the naming party I can see being like, A, well, that's a little dumb, kind of like gender reveal parties, but to miss the baby shower? My god. To ignore the part where you celebrate the parents and upcoming baby. Give baby supplies so the parents don't get overloaded with prep costs, and even just spend time with your daughter, knowing she'll have her hands full for at least the next year. Man needs to get his head out of his ass. Opie says, Calling the name reveal a party was probably an exaggeration on my part.

[00:06:41] It was a small lunch with a clue style game my husband and I created. I talked to my sister about it, and we both think that had I not told my father the lunch was baby related, he and Paula might have come. So after some time, that post was voted not enough info. So Opie spotted this and decided to give some additional information before their update. So they started off, my am I the asshole post from a few weeks ago was voted not enough info.

[00:07:10] Which seems fair. I tried to reply to whatever comments I could, but I don't think everyone reads those. So I'm writing this to reply to the most common questions that were asked in my original post. As well as to clarify some things that might have been misunderstood. Some of these are literally copy and pasted from my comments by the way. Does Paula have, want or like kids? She doesn't have children and from what I gather, she doesn't want to. I know for an absolute fact that my father doesn't want more kids.

[00:07:39] She's also never been pregnant. She's mentioned that to my sister on some occasions. Paula does however like kids, especially babies. She was all over my cousin's daughter once she was born. And I have no doubt she'd do the same with my son. It's pregnancy and the events that surround it that she seems to have a problem with. The age gap between my father and Paula. Paula is actually on the older side.

[00:08:03] None of the many women my father has been with since divorcing my mom have been older than 35 by the time they broke up. I'm genuinely surprised they're still dating. As his relationships don't tend to last more than a couple of years. And yes, I do realize that none of these things are good. As much as I'm bothered by it, there's not my place to say anything. Especially now that I don't live with my father anymore. As long as they're both consenting adults, there's not much I can do or say about it. And that's fine.

[00:08:32] Why does my sister find Paula annoying? According to my sister, Paula's most annoying habits include, frequently speaking in a baby voice, mostly around my father. Interrupting other people when they're talking and criticizing random women on the street behind their backs. I don't know Paula well enough to be sure how valid these claims are, but I've witnessed a bit of those first two habits during previous visits. The baby voice annoys me too, to be honest.

[00:09:00] She sometimes sounds like the four-year-olds I used to babysit. But again, it's not my place to complain. Paula's behavior once my cousin's daughter was born. Paula would ask for more pictures of the baby than both me and my sister were getting, even though she barely knew my cousin. She made many comments about how she looked nothing like my cousin's husband. She tried to get my cousin's daughter to say her name when she was five months old. Paula isn't a real name. Her actual name is longer and harder to pronounce.

[00:09:29] And every single picture Paula ever took with the baby was turned into an Instagram post. Most times without my cousin's approval. Whenever we visited, Paula asked to hold my cousin's daughter all the time. And hesitated to give her to anyone else. Last Christmas, she wanted my cousin to open her gift for the baby first. And got annoyed that an actual infant wasn't excited about it as she was. She has also made a few comments about how my cousin still hasn't bounced back.

[00:09:57] And has spoken ill of my cousin's husband behind his back. What updates did I make about my pregnancy? Some people in the comments seem to mistake updates for social media posts. So I want to stress that I barely posted about my pregnancy on social media. I made maybe two posts while pregnant. Maybe another one to announce my son's birth. Those were only on Instagram. I hate TikTok and my account is private.

[00:10:22] Many of my co-workers didn't even know I was pregnant until I showed up one day with snug clothing and a seven month bump. A few of them didn't find out until I went on maternity leave. I do a large part of my work sitting down. The updates I'm referring to were made only to my family and close friends. They were mostly about mine and my son's health. And all of them were made either in person or by text and phone call. Some of the updates I made to my father were through text. Since I work and don't see him in person that much.

[00:10:50] Also, my father and I have had problems in the past over me not telling him anything. And my relatively new habit of updating him on what's been going on in my life is an effort to remedy that. Seriously. I get where people are coming from, but I find it concerning that we live in a time where someone can't mention updates about their pregnancy without people assuming they're talking about social media. Did I talk to my father about his or Paula's behavior? Yes. Several times.

[00:11:19] He said he'd try to be more involved, but never made any attempt to do so. He either didn't remember our conversations or genuinely didn't care. I'm fine with Paula not being interested in my pregnancy or the two events I invited her and my father to. We didn't know each other that well. What I'm not fine with is her rudeness whenever I shared any information with my family. As well as the fact that my dad let himself be dragged down by her behavior. How many events did I invite them to during my pregnancy?

[00:11:49] Literally the only two I mentioned. The name reveal lunch and the baby shower. Why a name reveal? Me and my husband hate gender reveals, but we still wanted a small light-hearted affair with close friends and family. And calling it a party was an exaggeration on my part. It was a small lunch with a clue-style game my husband and I created. I talked to my sister about it and we both think that had I not told my father the lunch was baby-related, he and Paula might have come.

[00:12:16] Not everyone cares about your pregnancy slash having a baby is a normal thing slash you're not the main character of everyone's life. Hopey responds to those with, At no point did I express any of that, nor did I expect to be treated like Demeter. I'm perfectly aware that pregnancy is not an unusual experience and I'm not special just because I had a baby. Most of the time I actually hate being the center of attention. I've dated my family about my pregnancy because my son is their family too.

[00:12:44] And my friends because they asked and worried about me. I never expected any special treatment from any of them. But I do expect to be treated with respect or at the very least politely. You shouldn't cut your dad and his girlfriend out of your son's life just because he didn't care about your pregnancy. Hopey says again,

[00:13:34] My son was born the day after my due date. At no point did he try to reach out before or during my hospital stay. My best guess is that he forgot about it. Who did come to visit us in the hospital? My mom and stepdad, my sister, my maternal aunt and two cousins. Mother-in-law, brother-in-law and a few of our closest friends. Overall about 15 people came to meet our son during our four day hospital stay.

[00:13:58] My mother, sister, brother-in-law and two of my best friends, including my baby's godmother, were the only people who came more than once. I also want to add that besides those people, the only ones who found out about my son's birth prior to my post on Instagram were the ones who asked. I think that's all I wanted to clarify. I do also have an update. I'll try to post it soon. So, Hopey does post that update and says, Because my Am I the Arsehole post was voted not enough info,

[00:14:26] I posted on my page some additional information and replies to those common questions I asked, which we just covered. That being said, most of the comments helped me understand that I did the right thing. Maybe I was the arsehole, but I had the right to be one. My final conclusion was, Be rude to me through a hard time in my life? Fine, have fun in the peanut gallery.

[00:14:48] I decided that I wasn't exactly comfortable with the idea of Paula holding and cooing over my newborn after almost nine months of rudeness and lack of acknowledgement. So, I told my father that while he was free to come to my apartment and meet his grandson for the first time, I didn't want Paula to tag along. My intentions weren't to ban her forever, but rather to just wait a month or two, or in a perfect world, until she apologized. We had a small fight over it, but my dad agreed and came to meet him without Paula.

[00:15:17] He visited us a couple more times that week. During these visits, he was cold and short with me and my husband, and I ended up being cold in return. This was admittedly not my proudest moment, but I was too tired and angry to care at the time. A little under two weeks ago, my paternal aunt and two cousins, including the one I mentioned in my previous post, came from out of state. My cousins stayed at my apartment while my aunt stayed at my father's.

[00:15:43] During her stay, my aunt caught several instances of Paula's openly badmouthing me and my unfair treatment of her, but didn't comment on it at first. And then the day before she left, she watched my father not only agree with Paula, but call me childish and ungrateful as well. Like most of my family, my aunt knew the whole story. She told them both off for how they treated me during my pregnancy. My sister was there and eventually joined in. The result apparently was a huge fight between all of them.

[00:16:11] Eventually, my sister started crying. She drove to my place and told me everything before falling asleep on my couch. My father called me and we fought. It lasted about 40 minutes, and after countless attempts on his part to play the but I'm your father card, I managed to make it clear that I owed Paula nothing. Least of all my time and attention. The next day, my aunt came over for lunch. She told us that after our argument, there was another massive fight. This time between my dad and Paula.

[00:16:40] She didn't pick up on specific words, only screaming. A few days later, my dad called me again. He apologized and promised to try and be more involved. I'm not sure how sincere he was. I accepted the apology but I told him he's on thin ice. I will help him be a part of our lives, but I refuse to be the only one making that effort. It's not my job to try and engage him in things he shows no interest in and if he doesn't get invested in something, he can't expect to be treated the same as the people who do.

[00:17:08] My sister went back to his place a few days later. Paula wasn't there. Apparently, she's staying with her mother for a while. Neither of us know anything else about that. If this turns out to be an actual breakup, my father will probably wait a while to confirm it. I never wished ill on her. I'd be lying if I said I had faith in their relationship or any of my father's for that matter. Countless fights and a cluster feeding newborn later. I'm exhausting. I'm glad this is over. My relationship with my father is still strained

[00:17:37] and I'm not particularly proud of how things turned out. But my main focus now is my son and it warms my soul to witness how loved he already is. From the bottom of my heart, thank you all. So then Opie comes in with what they call their final update.

[00:18:21] Hey guys, it's been almost two months since my last post. The most she did was make a slight joke about my son having an old guy name. His name is Gabrielle. So the joke fell flat. The issue came around Christmas time. Usually spend it with my aunt, but since she lives out of state and I wasn't comfortable traveling with my baby, I invited my sister, father, mother-in-law, and brother-in-law to my place. My mom and stepdad were out of town to celebrate my son's first Christmas. Paula was invited too, but for some reason she didn't want to come.

[00:18:51] Instead, she tried to convince my father to travel with her. He refused and they started fighting again. Eventually, the events surrounding my pregnancy were brought up and the fights got worse. They officially broke up on December 22nd, right in front of my younger sister. Paula moved in with her mother again. Meanwhile, my relationship with my father has been improving. We're still not perfect and there are things he said that I can't forgive. But I'm glad I'm giving him this chance. To my surprise,

[00:19:22] he's also turning out to be a pretty good grandfather. Also, I showed my sister these posts and she apologized for telling me to apologize to our dad. I was never really mad at her for that. I'm still getting DMs about how not everyone cares about my pregnancy and such. If you think that's what this is about, you haven't read my posts. Even if that was what I had a problem with, I don't understand how it could be entitled to me to expect my father to care. And to address the messages, I got about my four-day hospital stay.

[00:19:51] Thank you for your concern. I was in labor for 22 hours and had a couple of minor complications. Both me and my son were fine, but they wanted to keep us under observation for a while longer. I'm pretty sure this is over. Even if it's not, this will be my final update. And I'm not sure I replied to the comments. I'm done thinking about this. My son will be three months old in 10 days. He smiled for the first time today. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I did check out a couple of those comments

[00:20:21] about not everyone caring about OP's pregnancy. And I didn't quite get where they were coming from with that anyway. Because I was like, like OP said, that even if it was about the pregnancy, again, like OP said, it's not entitled to expect your own father to care about your pregnancy. And it wasn't hard to see that there was clearly something going on in the background. You know, as a family member, as a father, you'd be just, even like the bare minimum of just phone up saying,

[00:20:51] how's everything going? Is there anything you need? Anything I can help out with? You know, it's not bloody difficult and not a huge expectation. But it clearly wasn't about that in the end. And I'm glad that OP did say, that, you know, that some things he said that you can't forgive. Because I think I'd always be keeping him at least at arm's length as well. Because to me, it certainly felt like it was like one of those things of, you know, he's putting his romantic relationships ahead of his children. When he got called out about it,

[00:21:21] but he played the, but I'm your father card. Whilst he treated his daughter like an afterthought. And then when they eventually do split up, he suddenly sees the lights, you know, and now I'm going to be a decent father and grandfather. It's just all too convenient. You know, I just felt like it wasn't about his inability. It was just about his priorities. And as shitty as it sounds, it just showed where they actually lied. So I hope OP has continued to stand their ground on this.

[00:21:49] But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Now, just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved in today's stories. Your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so, so much. And hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care. And much love. Bye. Bye. Bye.