I Cancelled On A Family Cruise Last Minute And They Think I'm Petty r/Relationships

[00:00:01] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now, today's first story comes from the AmITheArseholeHere subreddit from a user called ThrowawayVacay and says, AmITheArsehole for cancelling on our family cruise?

[00:00:28] So, my parents wanted to do a cruise for the holidays. They invited me, 25 female, my boyfriend, 27 male, my brother, 28 male and his girlfriend, 26 female. My brother, let's call him James, has always been the golden child. Some backstory. Back in high school when James was discovered to be selling pills, he was just going through a phase. Meanwhile, when I got caught smoking weed, my parents threatened to kick me out.

[00:00:57] James lost his scholarship and dropped out of college three different times. But he's still perfect. I graduated a semester late and I didn't try hard enough. James still lives in a state where he's attending college and I live in my home state near my parents. He doesn't work, he's not currently in school. My parents buy him flights all the time to come visit, but don't buy me a flight to go see him or go anywhere else. My parents send him money for rent and life necessities.

[00:01:26] He bought a $2,000 dog recently with that money. When I got my first big job at age 22, my parents immediately kicked me off their insurance since I had the option of benefits. James was on their insurance until he turned 26.

[00:01:40] Last year I got laid off and moved back in with my parents to save money. When I got my new job, my parents told me I needed to pay $10,000 in back rent, which was never discussed previously. I did finish paying it off and recently moved in with my boyfriend.

[00:01:57] This has been a pattern my whole life. James gets everything handed to him and I have to work my ass off. So now to the cruise. My parents said they wanted to do this and bought tickets for themselves, James and his girlfriend. They told me to get my own ticket since I have a well-paying job. I was super upset and told them it wasn't fair that I was the only one who had to buy their own ticket. My boyfriend couldn't come due to holiday plans with his own family.

[00:02:26] My parents said I was acting spoiled and that green wasn't a good look on me. I'm so tired of hearing that phrase at this point. They said it's not like I had to get a nice room since we'd be outside it the majority of the time anyway. Which is true. But then why get James a nice room? I decided I had had enough. And I wasn't going. But here's where I may be the arse off. I let them continue thinking I was for months.

[00:02:52] Then on the night before they left they said to get to their house by 8am so we could start the drive to the port. At 8.30 that day they start messaging me asking where I am. I text them. Since you didn't want to put in the effort in to have me join you. I'll be attending my boyfriend's Thanksgiving instead. Have a nice trip with your favorite child. Then I muted the chat.

[00:03:15] I talked to some friends about this and some said it was petty of me to cancel with no warning. And others have said I should have sucked it up and gone since I would have had fun when I got there. They've been on the cruise for a couple of days now and I'm starting to regret how I handled things. Yeah I probably would have had fun. And it's not like I couldn't afford the ticket.

[00:03:35] I also could have handled the delivery better. But at the same time I'm so sick of them treating me like this. So am I the arsehole for cancelling on a family vacation. But Kazoo says wait. Did I read it correctly that they charged you 10k back rent which had never been discussed prior. And you paid it. Not the arsehole. But I would have gone low contact with them and definitely not even contemplated going on the trip with them. Save that for people that you enjoy OP.

[00:04:04] Infosec says that's when OP should have gone low or no contact. OP needs to make sure that they are never in a position to rely on their parents again. They obviously care significantly less than their golden child. I can't wait until they're elderly and wondering why their golden child doesn't really help them. And OP hasn't contacted them in years. It's going to be rough on them at that point. Unitru then says not petty but I suggest in the future just have amazing plans whenever they ask about doing anything.

[00:04:33] Don't continue to subject yourself to people who put you down and don't celebrate your accomplishments. Living well is the very best revenge there is. Your brother is a loser who was crippled by your parents. Feel sorry for him. You're going to have a much better life. Not the arsehole. Hayes says it was definitely petty but honestly why would you want to spend more time with family that treats you like that? I understand them paying things to your brother since he can't afford and it's their money.

[00:05:02] But to imply that you're jealous when they're clearly favoring your brother all that time. They still went to the crew so I don't think it was a big deal. I'd go low to no contact with them since they seem to want to be indifferent to your presence. And it would save you a lot of trouble too. And resident dad says sounds like everyone's the arsehole in this situation but only very lightly on your side. You should have handled it better by telling them in advance that you weren't going with them.

[00:05:30] Waiting until the last minute like that was super petty. However it was super deserved. For your own mental health you should just limit contact with them overall. You don't deserve to be treated like that and they will never change. I think OP needs to ask themselves in this situation if they're just like attending these things because of family obligation. Because it sounds like they've had years of this of being cast to the side while golden child brother gets everything.

[00:05:58] And it just sounds like they're never going to see it any other way. And I always question what do you get out of these relationships? I would just suggest like going low contact and then doing things that you enjoy when they have these events. It's like oh no sorry I'm busy that day I'm afraid. Well you don't even have to give an excuse. You can just simply say no if you want to. But I think it just makes it a little bit sweeter if you say no I'm busy that day. I'm doing X which is better. Again a bit petty I know but hey.

[00:06:28] OP comes in with her update and says apologies in advance because this will be a long post. First off hi everyone. Sorry for posting and then dropping off the face of the earth. I wrote the original post at work during my break and then as soon as the day ended my boyfriend and I headed up to the cabins his family rented for the holidays. I wanted to be fully present with them so I didn't actually have a chance to check this until today. And I can't believe how many people chimed in. I appreciate everyone who took the time to share their thoughts even though I wasn't able to get through all of them.

[00:06:56] I tried reading some comments but got overwhelmed by the sheer amount there was and gave up after scrolling for 20 minutes. So instead of responding to people individually I will try to address some common things I saw in the comments. If there's anything I missed addressing let me know and I will try my best to provide an answer. Skip ahead 10 paragraphs if you want to go straight to the update. I am prone to yap a good bit. Obviously I'll start with a 10k in back rent.

[00:07:24] To me the number itself wasn't the issue. I mean yeah it is definitely a bit higher than I would have liked but not completely unreasonable. The amount of time I've lived there it's not like I would have been able to rent my own place at a cheaper price. And if I hadn't moved in with them I would have completely depleted my savings and probably gone into debt. While I was laid off and looking for a new job in my field. Had a serving job and did some freelance writing work as well.

[00:07:50] Plus contributing to groceries but not paying rental utilities. Because of that I understood why my parents wanted help once I was in a position to do so. I just wish they had defined that expectation from the beginning instead of springing it on me as a surprise. I paid it because I know it was an inconvenience for my parents to have me stay so long. Especially during some home renovations. And it didn't feel worth the push back if I refused. I know it would have turned into a whole big issue and it just felt easier to pay the money.

[00:08:21] Yes I probably have some pushover tendencies that I need to address. Luckily I'm in a well paying field. I'm a technical writer so once I got my new position. I was able to pay my parents back in about 6 months. While also saving up to move out. The timeline for anyone curious is. I was laid off in January of last year. I used my savings to pay rent until my lease was up in June. And then I moved in with my parents. I lived with my parents from June of last year till September of this year.

[00:08:49] When I moved in with my boyfriend. I got my current job in May. Which is when my parents told me they wanted back rent and rent moving forward until I moved out. They said it was to help motivate me to get back on my feet. So not all of it was back rent technically. But I just used that term to try and be more concise. By the time I moved out. The total amount I owed had added up to 10k. And I'd already paid off most of it. I also saw a couple of comments about pursuing legal action against my parents.

[00:09:19] But I don't think that's worth it or even possible. We never had a written contract and I didn't argue against paying it. I didn't want them to be able to hold that over me. Going through any legal issue would just dredge the whole thing up again. And I'd rather not do that. It's paid now. So at least it's over with. In the future I know I should probably be less willing to give in to their demands. It's just difficult when things have been this way my whole life. And my experiences have shown me that any refusal paints me as ungrateful in their eyes.

[00:09:48] I try so hard to be perfect because I just want them to treat me with the same care and support as they do with James. James. The worst part is, James and I were super close growing up. When we were kids we hung out all the time. He was the one who taught me how to ride a bike. He stood up for me when I was getting bullied. I don't think he's a bad person at all. He just never learned to stand on his own two feet. Our relationship is strained now because he doesn't get why I have issues with our parents.

[00:10:16] I miss the brother I would stay up playing RuneScape with. I'm pretty sure he fully buys into the idea that he needs extra help since he's always gotten it. He doesn't know how to do or expect anything else. At least he's still nice to me but he just refuses to see the differences in how we're treated. And he basically wants me to just suck it up and be a part of the family. Sadly all his support just disappeared once it came to issues with our parents. Hope James gets some distance from them one day and we can reconnect.

[00:10:43] I don't want our relationship to keep suffering because of this. Sorry to get sappy for a second but back to the comments. Another thing I saw some people ask is why I didn't tell them sooner that I was cancelling. I know that was a petty move on my part but had I told them earlier they would have spent those months trying to convince me to go and insulting me if I continued to refuse. It seemed like such a hassle and the way I did it was much easier. And yeah maybe this is shitty of me

[00:11:12] but I did get some satisfaction out of it. It felt good to treat them at the same level as they treat me. Besides it's not like it actually affected their trip. They still went just without me. Many of the comments brought up the idea of going low contact or no contact with my family. And it is something I've now been considering. My boyfriend is supportive of this decision since he has seen first hand how my parents are. I'm sure my friends will be supportive as well if I explain the full story.

[00:11:41] Most of them have never met my parents and I've tried not to get into the whole family dynamic with my friends since it's depressing for me to talk about. And I also didn't want to come off as just whining all the time. Prior to this they've only heard small complaints here and there. With all that out the way here's what happened since my last post. My boyfriend and I got to the cabin late Wednesday night. I gave his mother a bouquet of her favorite flowers and she loved them. I read a quick glass of wine while talking with his family before heading to bed.

[00:12:11] I was still a bit uncertain of my decision so I probably wasn't as peppy as usual. But they didn't seem to mind. That night I made a promise to myself that I would put my own family issues aside during the trip and just focus on having a good time with my boyfriend's family who have always been so gracious to me. On Thursday we woke up early and helped his mum with some preparation for the food and set the table. After we played some cornhole with his cousins and sadly lost due to my complete lack of athletic ability.

[00:12:40] The Thanksgiving meal itself was delicious and his mum is such a good cook. Everyone was very sweet to me and made me feel so welcome as part of the family. Which helped me feel much better about my decision to spend the holidays with them. Towards the end of the night his mum even said to me that she knows it is ultimately up to my boyfriend. But she hopes that I can join the family for real someday. I told her I would be honored if that happens and we hugged. I really do hope it will.

[00:13:08] I love my boyfriend so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. His family is also an incredible bonus. I had such a wonderful time on Thanksgiving and enjoyed the rest of the weekend as well. We went on some great hikes, hung around by the bonfire, played board games and watched movies. My boyfriend also spent time looking after his little nephew and watching him play with Legos together definitely gave me some slight baby fever. Though that is not something I want to act on for at least a couple of years.

[00:13:36] We got back yesterday afternoon and I'm already missing everything. It was genuinely a blast and there was no family drama. Which made my family seem like even more of a mess. I feel like I'm rambling a bit now. Honestly, I probably have been the whole time. But I'm just so excited to share what a good time I had during the holiday. And I definitely made the right decision. Unfortunately, this update isn't entirely positive. I wish it could be.

[00:14:04] My parents reached out last night and they still weren't happy about my choice. I guess the sea air and unlimited drinks didn't do enough to relax them. My dad sent a passive aggressive text of cruise pictures with a message that said, Sad that you chose not to be with your family in such beautiful places. And I sent back a picture from my trip with my boyfriend's family and said, Looks like you guys had a good time. So did we. Then my mum called and said she hoped I regretted missing out on a great family vacation.

[00:14:33] And spoiling their memory due to a petty grudge against my brother. I told her my issue wasn't with James, but rather than that unfair preferential treatment between the two of us. My mum said that I was the one being unfair by comparing our situations. Since James needs help while he figures out his direction in life. And I've always been much more independent. I told her the only reason that's true is because they never truly allowed me to depend on them. She said she wasn't going to apologize for raising a self-sufficient daughter.

[00:15:03] And that I should either grow up and be grateful for everything they've done. Or leave them alone for good. And break their hearts all at once. Instead of just doing it piece by piece. She called me cruel for dangling the hope of a wonderful holiday. Only to snatch it away at the last second. Even though they seemed to be just fine without me there based on the photos my dad sent. And what they posted on social media. I was really upset by this point. And pointed out multiple examples of how they prioritized James.

[00:15:31] Just hoping I could finally make her understand how growing up like this has affected me. My mom said I had a lot of nerve to put their parenting under a microscope. When I have no children myself. And I've never had to make tough decisions. I had enough of the conversation and said. I guess I'll just leave you guys alone like you want. Since I'll never be enough for this family anyway. I hung up and started crying. But my boyfriend was really supportive as always. And spent the rest of the night eating ice cream. And watching the Hunger Games to cheer me up.

[00:16:00] I absolutely love the series. And I'm so excited for Hamish's movie to come out. It was weird to go back to work today after everything. And act like nothing was the matter. But I think it was a good distraction. Since I chose my boyfriend's holiday plans instead of my family's. I actually came back feeling mostly refreshed. Besides the events of last night. Instead of drained. Like I most likely would have been after the cruise. I haven't heard anything more from my parents yet. But I have a feeling they're just bluffing. I'm sure once they need something they'll reach out.

[00:16:30] Or they'll probably try to smooth things over by Christmas. So they don't have to explain the situation to our extended family. I haven't decided yet if I'll be open to reconciling. On one hand I know I deserve better than to be treated as a burden and an afterthought. While doing so much for them. I'm tired of trying to live up to their expectations. And I'm not optimistic about their behavior ever changing. But on the other hand. They are my family. And it's just so difficult to fully walk away.

[00:16:58] I just want to feel the love and acceptance from my own family. That I get from my boyfriend's family. Why is it so hard for them to treat me like I matter? I'm also worried that if I don't make nice with them. They'll twist the story to make me seem like the problem. And my extended family will be mad at me too. There are a couple I like within my family. But my parents have a lot of influence over everyone's opinions. I don't know if it's worth putting up with them at least to keep some ties to my family.

[00:17:24] Or if it'd be better to accept the loss and move on from a dynamic where I'm clearly not appreciated. I want to keep my brother at least. But maybe I'm just holding on to the past. And that version of James doesn't exist anymore. I hope that's not true. I just don't know how to get through to him since he is so brainwashed by my parents. And thinks they can do no wrong. I'm not sure if I ever truly get my brother back. I've got some big things to think about now. And I don't know if I'm ready to make sure a major change to my life. And I'm not sure if I'm ready to make a major change to my life.

[00:17:55] I do believe I'd feel much freer and lighter if I at least distance myself from them. And maybe even cut contact entirely. I guess I'll just have to see what happens. I'm sure I already know the answer to this. But is it stupid to still hold on hopes that things can work out? I just find that incredibly heartbreaking. That OP is just longing for that family dynamic like her boyfriend's family. And they've been very welcoming. And I think OP should just embrace that side of the family. That's your true family right there.

[00:18:23] That's true family right there. From the way it sounds reading this, you know, your bio family isn't going to treat you any other way. I know you want that contact with your brother. And perhaps, you know, a letter to him. Show him this post. Something along those lines. Something to just make him realize how you are truly feeling about this. How you've been treated. He might not realize it. Which I know some people will argue against. But like OP said in the middle of this. When things have been normalized your whole life to do with family dynamics. And this is the way you're treated.

[00:18:54] It just, like it says, it just becomes your normal. And you accept it until you see something different. I can't tell you how many families I've seen. Where I've seen the kids my age. And they've grown up now. And they're just like their parents. Normalize their parents. And let me tell you. Some of the behavior is just absolutely wild. And whilst a lot of the behavior isn't acceptable. I do feel for them. But that being said. I don't feel for the parents in this situation. And I hope there is some sort of reconciliation with your brother down the road.

[00:19:23] Where he realizes what you've been going through. But I would strongly suggest that low contact for now. Maybe even further down the road. If they want to make things right. It has to come from their side. Not you making all the effort. And in the meantime. Lean on the people who truly love and support you. Your boyfriend. That family. Get involved in that. I'm telling you. It will make your life so much better. Oh dear. I'm getting a bit emotional for OP here. You soppy sod mark. Anyway.

[00:19:53] What do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Now just a huge thank you for being here today. Getting involved in the stories. Sharing your love. Not just with each other. But with the stories as well. With the OPs within the stories. It means the absolute world. So thank you so so much. And hopefully I will see you in the next one. Take care. Much love. Bloody onion ninjas. Thank you.