Husband To Be Wants Me To Wear Red At Our Wedding To Show I'm Not "Pure" r/Relationships

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[00:01:03] So, about a month ago, Ryan out of nowhere said he was talking to some of his coworkers and thinks that I shouldn't wear a white dress.

[00:01:23] This was totally weird to me. Ryan is a very artistic guy, so I figured this was more about how the photos would turn out or something along those lines.

[00:01:32] But I'm set on wearing white. I told him this and I could see that it was annoyed but he let it go.

[00:01:39] Two weeks ago, I finally picked and paid for my dress and this caused a huge argument.

[00:01:44] Ryan again came to me very annoyed. He asked to see the dress I picked but I said no because I wanted it to be a surprise for our wedding day.

[00:01:53] He asked me to at least tell him what color it was and when I said white, he threw a fit.

[00:01:58] I honestly do not see why this was a big deal. Almost everyone wears white on their wedding day.

[00:02:03] When I asked him what color he thought I'd be wearing, he told me that I should wear red.

[00:02:08] Again, this was super weird to me. I asked him why I would wear red to our wedding and he told me that brides only wear white when they are pure.

[00:02:17] For some background, Ryan and I started dating when I was 21 and he just turned 20.

[00:02:23] He was a virgin when we met and I only had one other person who was my ex-boyfriend of four years throughout high school.

[00:02:29] This caused a lot of problems in the first year of our relationship and we almost did not continue dating because of how insecure he felt.

[00:02:36] After that first year, it was never a problem again until now I guess.

[00:02:40] He went to his mum about all of this thinking she would convince me but she's on my side.

[00:02:45] So two nights ago, Ryan, his mum and I stood in our living room and argued about my sex life being shown in a dress.

[00:02:52] His mum stated that he is no longer a virgin either so maybe he should wear red too and he burst out crying.

[00:02:59] Ryan is still stating that me wearing a white dress would be deceiving all of the guests and that is different for guys.

[00:03:06] This all has honestly made me question even marrying him.

[00:03:09] I don't know if it's just because everything is so fresh but I'm really disgusted by him.

[00:03:14] He's not even religious so I know this is just about him still thinking about me losing my virginity at 18 before I even knew him.

[00:03:21] I just needed to run to anyone about how psycho this is.

[00:03:25] And that is a deal breaker for the relationship right there.

[00:03:28] This guy wants to punish you for having sex before you met him. That is insane.

[00:03:34] And if for some bizarre reason you did stay with this guy, what does the future look like for you?

[00:03:40] Is he going to be bringing this up at other stages of your life as well?

[00:03:43] Imagine when you have children. What kind of bullshit is he going to come up with his head then?

[00:03:48] Brakehat17 says, look if he is this secure after six years together things are not going to improve.

[00:03:54] Is he going to mention your impurity in his wedding speech?

[00:03:58] Is he going to try to leverage this in your marriage to get what he wants?

[00:04:01] Is he going to demand paternity tests for your children?

[00:04:04] I'd seriously consider what you are signing up for. Dude sounds messed up as fuck.

[00:04:10] InevitableOchra says, Jesus throw the whole man in the bin.

[00:04:14] For six years he has been planning on getting back at you for not being a virgin at your wedding.

[00:04:19] I'm petty as fuck and would just stop having sex with him.

[00:04:22] When he asks why, I would say that since he finds your sexual history so disgusting,

[00:04:26] he is now part of the history.

[00:04:28] While you tell him to pack his shit and go and find a virgin at 26.

[00:04:32] Totrek says he has no idea.

[00:04:35] The bride wearing white to symbolize virginity was something that dates back to the Renaissance.

[00:04:39] However, in the majority of western countries, it has come to symbolize the bride's first wedding.

[00:04:44] And even that isn't taken seriously by brides on their second or more weddings.

[00:04:49] The fact that he refuses to back down and that he is offended by his mum suggesting he wear red too

[00:04:54] shows you that he has a distinct lack of maturity.

[00:04:57] It's different for guys.

[00:04:59] That sounds like something you'd hear in old fashioned Italian or Greek wedding,

[00:05:03] but religion makes a much bigger deal about the bride's virginity than the groom's.

[00:05:07] He's either showing some kind of insecurity about being sexually inexperienced or trying to assert his dominance.

[00:05:13] Think very carefully about your future.

[00:05:15] With all the information you have now, try to pick your life within five years from now.

[00:05:20] I personally think this might be the tip of the iceberg of stupid arguments.

[00:05:24] As others have said, find somewhere to stay that's away from where you are currently living.

[00:05:28] Don't tell the fiance or anyone you can't trust to keep their mouth shut where that is.

[00:05:32] He can grovel and apologize, but his refusal to back down suggests he thinks you're the one that has to make all of the compromises.

[00:05:39] A good relationship is all about finding common ground, something he doesn't appear to have a knack for doing.

[00:05:45] So a year later OP comes in with their update and says this is my update one year later on the whole situation.

[00:05:51] I will start by saying that I did not get married.

[00:05:54] Ryan made that decision quite easy for me.

[00:05:57] I remember reading a comment that said I had already been done with the relationship for me to move on so fast.

[00:06:03] That statement was very true.

[00:06:06] As much as I want to be the bigger person and not slander Ryan, he deserves it.

[00:06:10] I won't get into all of our issues but there were some big ones that I would like to address.

[00:06:15] The absolute deal breaker for me has nothing to do with a red dress,

[00:06:19] but instead was all of his little lies that built up through our entire relationship.

[00:06:24] Ryan is very smart, I can't take that away from him.

[00:06:27] We actually met because even though I am a year older than him, he graduated a year before me.

[00:06:33] We had mutual classes, someone so smart he always got caught in dumb lies.

[00:06:38] As far as I know he never cheated on me.

[00:06:40] That was something that I know a lot of people assumed but even now I don't believe it.

[00:06:45] It was never any big lie that caused massive drama but rather a mountain out of little white lies that always made me question why.

[00:06:53] He would lie to people about having allergies, he would lie about stopping for food before coming home.

[00:06:59] He would lie about losing weight, he is a healthy weight and with a very normal build.

[00:07:04] He would just lie about so many things that did not matter.

[00:07:07] My issue with this is I had absolutely no trust in the man over literally nothing.

[00:07:12] I never held him back from doing things and he never asked permission to do things.

[00:07:16] For him going out of his way to lie about meaningless things really made me start to resent him.

[00:07:21] I don't think he ever talked to his coworkers about the dress.

[00:07:24] I think that was another lie.

[00:07:26] After telling him I did not want to be together anymore, I asked him about everything that happened surrounding the wedding.

[00:07:32] I got no real answers out of him until this day and no real closure.

[00:07:37] My best assumption is that he got sucked into misogynist forums surrounding purity and made up a story to bring it up to me.

[00:07:44] Our breakup was pretty nasty since he talked about me a lot online.

[00:07:48] For the most part I had support.

[00:07:50] No one ever reached out to me or threatened me but it's still annoying having my feed filled with rumours I cheated and broke up our engagement over nothing.

[00:07:58] There was a lot of name calling as well.

[00:08:00] Apparently I ran through, I'm fat, I let myself go, I look miserable without him.

[00:08:06] Eventually he stopped on his own as I never acknowledged any of it.

[00:08:09] Even with the online harassment he never really fought to save our engagement.

[00:08:14] I was actually hurt by how he seemed equally as ready to part ways.

[00:08:17] We have no contact with each other at all but I do know that last month he actually got engaged again.

[00:08:23] All I know about this girl is that she is 23, a hardcore Catholic and actually looks very sweet.

[00:08:29] For her sake I hope they work out.

[00:08:31] I do not still talk to Ryan's mum, sorry to disappoint.

[00:08:35] She was very kind to me through everything but for me to continue talking to her would be a bit weird.

[00:08:40] I still got a happy birthday text in a merry Christmas.

[00:08:43] I did have a date two weeks after I called off my engagement.

[00:08:46] That didn't go anywhere and it was never meant to.

[00:08:49] For me the date was just to see if I felt any guilt for moving on, which I had none.

[00:08:54] Had a huge career shift two months ago and am now living in Philadelphia far away from all the drama.

[00:09:00] I'm happy with where I'm at and he seems happy with his life.

[00:09:03] I don't think I'll ever have to interact with him again.

[00:09:06] I'm sorry for waiting so long to update.

[00:09:08] It was just never really a right moment.

[00:09:10] There are also probably many grammatical errors but whatever.

[00:09:14] Anyone is interested? I do have pictures of the dress.

[00:09:17] I saw a comment directly below this post from Loud Man's lover who said

[00:09:21] Ryan should wear brown because he's paying a little shit.

[00:09:26] And I think OP handled this in the best way that they could in that moment not responding,

[00:09:30] you know, not acknowledging what he was saying about OP so he just basically moved on.

[00:09:36] Part of me was hoping that OP, you know, would just reply to all these people

[00:09:40] that were harassing OP and just say, you know, here's the story.

[00:09:43] Read for yourself.

[00:09:44] He wants me to wear red because of this just to basically give them that virtual slap in the chops, you know.

[00:09:50] But as they always say in a lot of these stories that revenge is living your best life.

[00:09:55] Moving on is the best form of revenge, isn't it?

[00:09:58] And I'm really glad that it's working out for OP.

[00:10:01] There's a part of me that feels like really sad about this new fiance of Ryan's.

[00:10:07] And I always think of these stories like when we see abusive partners or we see cheaters

[00:10:13] and we see various other people.

[00:10:15] And, you know, people can change, of course.

[00:10:18] But I always think after these stories when they've split up and moved on and whatever

[00:10:21] that they're going to get with someone else and I would think bloody hell, you know,

[00:10:25] who's gonna end up with that?

[00:10:28] Now I'm going to turn this one to you guys.

[00:10:30] What do you guys make of this situation?

[00:10:33] Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:10:35] Let's move on to another story.

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[00:11:44] Our next story comes from the am I the asshole here subreddit from strange tab poll 3749

[00:11:49] and says am I the asshole here for not coming to terms with the fact that my wife cheated on me 14 years ago

[00:11:55] before our marriage?

[00:11:57] I 35 male and married to my wife 37 female for 11 years and together for 14.

[00:12:03] They have a beautiful seven year old daughter and our marriage has been great without any major problems until last year.

[00:12:10] Last year I learned that my wife cheated on me before our marriage.

[00:12:14] One of her friends became religious and confessed her actions to me which had me confront my wife.

[00:12:20] She was shocked that I learnt it and apologized profusely about her actions.

[00:12:24] However she said it's not something important now because we have been going strong and have a family together.

[00:12:30] She told me I should come to terms with it since it happened four months into being exclusive and she was a stupid girl out of college back then.

[00:12:37] My mind told me the same.

[00:12:39] It happened 14 years ago and we are happy right now.

[00:12:43] I decided to forgive her and continue our usual life.

[00:12:47] Reality was not that great.

[00:12:49] My mental health took a big hit.

[00:12:51] I realized it's not something that happened 14 years ago for me.

[00:12:54] A cheating happened for me when my wife confirmed it.

[00:12:57] I was less confident, could not have sex with my wife.

[00:13:00] I could just not get an erection for her.

[00:13:03] This turned into feeling disgusted being around her.

[00:13:06] I even took a DNA test and STD test secretly.

[00:13:10] Thankfully our daughter is mine and I'm clear of STDs.

[00:13:14] Then a year of intense individual therapy started for me.

[00:13:18] I realized I needed to change somehow.

[00:13:20] I was not the same person I used to be.

[00:13:23] I also communicated my feelings to my wife and after pushing for a bit we started going to couples counseling too.

[00:13:29] However at the end of everything I decided to proceed with divorce.

[00:13:33] Here are my reasonings.

[00:13:35] She not only cheated back then but lied to me for 14 years.

[00:13:38] She did not confess the action herself.

[00:13:41] Even though she apologized she dismissed the fact by saying it's not important anymore.

[00:13:45] Young me was robbed of having a choice.

[00:13:48] I think what she was and still is one of the biggest deal breakers for me.

[00:13:52] If I knew it back then I would have broke it off.

[00:13:55] I'm happy with my life and I'm glad that our daughter came to the world.

[00:13:59] She is the light that shines the brightest for me.

[00:14:01] One of the biggest reasons I keep living but I still was robbed of a choice back then.

[00:14:06] I see an emcee could not change our problems and my feelings towards her.

[00:14:10] It also started affecting my family life which could affect our daughter.

[00:14:14] Our daughter would be better off having us as co-parents instead of living in a broken family environment where consistent arguments are present.

[00:14:20] Sex life is basically dead for me.

[00:14:23] We do have sex but I feel like those women on film slash series that just lay there and look at the ceiling waiting for it to be over.

[00:14:30] The only difference is that I'm a man.

[00:14:32] I do not even want non-sexual gestures anymore.

[00:14:36] Last week I had to sit down with my wife and explain everything I wrote here in detail.

[00:14:40] My feelings, reasonings and some other private things.

[00:14:44] I've been talking to a lawyer for the last month and papers are almost finalized.

[00:14:48] 50-50 custody, 50-50 asset sharing and as amicable as possible.

[00:14:53] I explained everything thoroughly and clearly to her.

[00:14:56] She freaked out and had a panic attack.

[00:14:59] She spent the night at ER.

[00:15:01] She was begging me to reconsider and not throw away 14 years.

[00:15:04] However, even though I would like to stay, it results in us being roommates and a broken family environment for our daughter.

[00:15:11] Am I in the wrong here?

[00:15:13] A couple of comments.

[00:15:15] KGBJ says this isn't about being an asshole or not.

[00:15:18] You're not able to deal with something and just change your view of someone.

[00:15:22] Katmocatmo says that's the thing.

[00:15:24] Hope he has tried everything they can to make it work.

[00:15:27] He didn't throw his hands up in the air and walk out.

[00:15:29] He tried.

[00:15:30] He really tried.

[00:15:31] You can't make yourself have emotions you don't have.

[00:15:34] Nor can you let go of ones you're currently feeling.

[00:15:36] There's no right or wrong here.

[00:15:38] AW says this isn't an asshole or not question.

[00:15:41] You aren't able to love her the way you did before.

[00:15:44] You no longer trust her.

[00:15:45] Your relationship is dysfunctional.

[00:15:47] Therapy didn't help.

[00:15:49] Calling you or her after all she's the cheetah and asshole will solve absolutely nothing.

[00:15:55] All you can do now is make the separation as smooth as possible for your daughter.

[00:16:00] J says someone else wrote this in a thread months ago and I still remember it.

[00:16:04] The affair happened 14 years ago for you.

[00:16:07] It just happened for me.

[00:16:09] Like she's had 14 years to process and lie about it and then to just let it go.

[00:16:14] But OP this just happened.

[00:16:16] He's still dealing with all of it and not just the affair but the 14 years of lying by a mission too.

[00:16:22] It's brand new to him.

[00:16:23] Also OP not the asshole.

[00:16:26] OP responded saying it happened on a girls trip they went together.

[00:16:30] It was confirmed by my wife.

[00:16:32] Her friend told me she could not hold the secret of sin anymore and decided to confess.

[00:16:37] About four months into being exclusive slash couple girlfriend and boyfriend.

[00:16:41] But it's not before being boyfriend and girlfriend.

[00:16:44] Paper is basically in agreement with blank sections including custody, asset sharing and other marital things.

[00:16:50] I propose my side to her and she has free to consult with a lawyer to propose her side.

[00:16:54] Both sides meet and come to an agreement.

[00:16:57] Then this agreement is proposed to a family court in case of amicable divorce.

[00:17:01] Get appointment for the court case.

[00:17:03] I let her know beforehand that I'm considering divorce and getting the draft agreement ready so she should also consult with a lawyer.

[00:17:10] Squarespace asks how's your wife dealing with all of this?

[00:17:14] Has the anger presented itself yet or is she still in denial?

[00:17:17] OP says she's barely eaten since the ER visit and still in denial.

[00:17:24] The OP does update the post and says firstly I want to thank everyone for their ideas and input about my situation.

[00:17:30] Some people reached out to me on Reddit chat to state their opinions and we had long talks.

[00:17:35] They have been incredibly helpful and I want to thank them especially.

[00:17:39] Some people asked if we went to counselling together.

[00:17:42] Yes, we've been visiting a counsellor for over a year now on top of my individual therapy.

[00:17:47] I understand blowing up a marriage for something happened 14 years ago is not logical.

[00:17:51] However, my feelings towards my wife got even worse after counselling and therapy.

[00:17:55] It started with not being able to trust her, converted to not wanting sex, then not wanting non-sexual gestures

[00:18:02] and finally I'm not even comfortable to be in the same space as her.

[00:18:06] We've been less than roommates in the last couple of months.

[00:18:09] I do not hate or resent her but I just cannot shake off the feelings.

[00:18:13] I would say I forgave her but it's not about forgiving anymore when there are no feelings and love.

[00:18:19] I do not want my daughter to grow up in such an environment.

[00:18:22] I know how hurtful it can be.

[00:18:24] I experience a similar situation with my parents only the genders reversed.

[00:18:28] Living in such an environment breaks you as a child and teen.

[00:18:32] I'd have much preferred if my mother just divorced my dad instead of staying for my sake.

[00:18:37] He's being said.

[00:18:39] I had long talks with my wife this morning.

[00:18:42] She had not been eating much since visiting ER and I'm concerned for her well-being and safety.

[00:18:47] Some editors who reached out suggested considering separation before proceeding with a divorce

[00:18:52] and see if my feelings would change.

[00:18:54] And it's very logical actually.

[00:18:57] I proposed the idea to my wife and she was happy to hear it.

[00:19:00] I have an upcoming business trip to Netherlands next week

[00:19:03] and I'm planning to extend my stay and stay with my sister once I'm back.

[00:19:07] Wife abruptly suggested one sided open marriage and I can do what I want on that business trip

[00:19:12] if it'll save the relationship.

[00:19:15] Make us even and change my feelings.

[00:19:18] I rejected because it has nothing to do with that.

[00:19:20] Even if it changed something for me,

[00:19:22] it would devastate her knowing I cheated on her in the future.

[00:19:25] It's not something easy to get over and not an easy decision.

[00:19:29] That is all the update.

[00:19:31] We try separation for a while and depending on the result I'll make my decision.

[00:19:35] Thank you for all the help and opinions.

[00:19:39] In the top comments on that one,

[00:19:41] Horizon said it's telling how quickly

[00:19:43] just because you stood up for yourself she went from telling

[00:19:46] and what feels like dictating to certain panic attacks and begging instead.

[00:19:51] Would it have been different if she had gone straight to begging and contrition earlier?

[00:19:55] Hmm.

[00:19:56] Uni Jack says avoid falling for her self abuse charade

[00:20:00] which is intended to make you feel sorry for her.

[00:20:03] It's an attempt at manipulation.

[00:20:05] Horizon says again in quotes I understand blowing up a marriage

[00:20:08] for something that happened 14 years ago is not logical and says

[00:20:11] it is absolutely logical.

[00:20:13] As you said yourself it didn't happen 14 years ago.

[00:20:16] The lies continued up to present day.

[00:20:20] And to be honest I couldn't see this ending any other way.

[00:20:23] There was a lot of good comments in there which I won't parrot them

[00:20:26] but and all of it was wrong but the dismissing feelings on this, you know

[00:20:31] after he found out yes she apologized but she said it's not something important now.

[00:20:36] It's like come on man.

[00:20:38] Why wouldn't that be important?

[00:20:40] Finding out your wife cheated on you 14 years ago, 15 years ago, 20 years ago.

[00:20:45] What what does it matter?

[00:20:47] How would you find yourself in this situation?

[00:20:50] Would that be a deal breaker for you or not?

[00:20:53] Maybe you have a different opinion on the matter.

[00:20:56] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:20:59] Just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved in today's stories.

[00:21:03] Your love, your support, your time always means the absolute world to me

[00:21:06] so thank you so so much and hopefully I see you in the next one.

[00:21:10] Take care and much love.