Husband Said I Ruined His First Stand Up Experience And He May Never Do It Again r/Relationships

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[00:01:04] [SPEAKER_01]: 29 Female Crushed My 28 Male Husband's Feelings

[00:01:08] [SPEAKER_01]: What do I do?

[00:01:10] [SPEAKER_01]: My 29 Female Husband 28 Male

[00:01:13] [SPEAKER_01]: decided to try out stand up comedy at an open mic night.

[00:01:17] [SPEAKER_01]: I was so excited because he's hilarious.

[00:01:20] [SPEAKER_01]: I asked him if he wanted to practice with me, but he said no.

[00:01:23] [SPEAKER_01]: He wanted it to be a surprise.

[00:01:25] [SPEAKER_01]: So I finally got to watch him perform the other night.

[00:01:28] [SPEAKER_01]: His delivery was great.

[00:01:30] [SPEAKER_01]: He got good stage presence.

[00:01:31] [SPEAKER_01]: And just getting up there at all takes a lot of courage.

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_01]: His material was one extended dick joke.

[00:01:39] [SPEAKER_01]: Some members of the audience loved it.

[00:01:41] [SPEAKER_01]: They were in the minority.

[00:01:43] [SPEAKER_01]: Most of the audience looked uncomfortable and slightly appalled.

[00:01:47] [SPEAKER_01]: After his performance as we were walking home, he asked me,

[00:01:51] [SPEAKER_01]: did you like it?

[00:01:52] [SPEAKER_01]: And I said I didn't like his material because it was basically one big dick joke.

[00:01:58] [SPEAKER_01]: I then said that he had great stage presence and I think this could be the start of something

[00:02:02] [SPEAKER_01]: awesome if he worked on his material.

[00:02:05] [SPEAKER_01]: He got upset and said that I was a buzzkill.

[00:02:08] [SPEAKER_01]: He said that everyone was laughing besides me.

[00:02:10] [SPEAKER_01]: And I pointed out that they weren't, not even the majority the crowd was.

[00:02:15] [SPEAKER_01]: He's really upset with me.

[00:02:17] [SPEAKER_01]: He says he was really nervous about doing it and was just proud of having done it.

[00:02:21] [SPEAKER_01]: But I made him feel ashamed.

[00:02:23] [SPEAKER_01]: He's unhappy now and he says there's nothing I can do to fix it.

[00:02:27] [SPEAKER_01]: I told him that I was sorry for being too critical.

[00:02:30] [SPEAKER_01]: I've been performing since I was five and my mom never gave me praise.

[00:02:34] [SPEAKER_01]: Only constructive criticism.

[00:02:36] [SPEAKER_01]: I grew up thinking that caring about someone meant telling them how they could improve.

[00:02:41] [SPEAKER_01]: I should have told him how proud I was first before I told him what I didn't like.

[00:02:46] [SPEAKER_01]: He says I've ruined his debut performance and nothing will change that.

[00:02:50] [SPEAKER_01]: Is there anything I can do?

[00:02:52] [SPEAKER_01]: I told him I would work on being less critical.

[00:02:55] [SPEAKER_01]: But he says it doesn't fix anything that already happened.

[00:02:58] [SPEAKER_01]: I just have to accept that he's going to be mad at me for the next however long.

[00:03:03] [SPEAKER_01]: And then there was a bunch of upvoting comments to which OP responded to.

[00:03:07] [SPEAKER_01]: So someone said,

[00:03:08] [SPEAKER_01]: It's constructive criticism for you.

[00:03:11] [SPEAKER_01]: Don't lead with what he did wrong and then follow it up with what he did well.

[00:03:15] [SPEAKER_01]: OP says no, you're right.

[00:03:17] [SPEAKER_01]: When I got criticism from my mom, there was never any what I did well.

[00:03:21] [SPEAKER_01]: So I never really learned how to give good feedback to loved ones.

[00:03:25] [SPEAKER_01]: And at my job, people appreciate my bluntness.

[00:03:28] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm specifically sought out for feedback because I don't sugarcoat and just give it to people straight.

[00:03:33] [SPEAKER_01]: But my husband is a kind and sensitive soul.

[00:03:36] [SPEAKER_01]: I love him so much.

[00:03:38] [SPEAKER_01]: I feel horrible that I hurt him.

[00:03:40] [SPEAKER_01]: This whole thing has made me step back and reflect on how I communicate with him.

[00:03:45] [SPEAKER_01]: Another commenter replies saying,

[00:03:53] [SPEAKER_01]: Stop using your mother and job as excuses.

[00:03:56] [SPEAKER_01]: Accept accountability for your actions and words.

[00:03:59] [SPEAKER_01]: Treat your husband as a husband.

[00:04:02] [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, it's kind of what OP is doing in this post, right?

[00:04:06] [SPEAKER_01]: Anyway, OP responded saying,

[00:04:08] [SPEAKER_01]: I know I messed up.

[00:04:09] [SPEAKER_01]: That's why I apologize.

[00:04:11] [SPEAKER_01]: I provide that information for context, not as an excuse.

[00:04:14] [SPEAKER_01]: Understand it doesn't justify my actions.

[00:04:17] [SPEAKER_01]: OP responds to a comment from another person says,

[00:04:27] [SPEAKER_01]: If I messed up at work because of process fail,

[00:04:31] [SPEAKER_01]: I go back and examine the process to figure out what went wrong and learn from it.

[00:04:36] [SPEAKER_01]: I wouldn't be excusing the error.

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_01]: I'd be fixing it.

[00:04:39] [SPEAKER_01]: I can deal with people saying I was an asshole.

[00:04:41] [SPEAKER_01]: I was even if unintentionally.

[00:04:43] [SPEAKER_01]: I've also agreed multiple times that I messed up.

[00:04:46] [SPEAKER_01]: My only point in bringing up my mother is that I realized that my idea of what support is was shaped by her and her support wasn't actually support at all.

[00:04:55] [SPEAKER_01]: Not an excuse, not a justification.

[00:04:57] [SPEAKER_01]: Just a realization that there's an issue with my psyche that time responsible for fixing.

[00:05:03] [SPEAKER_01]: Another commenter says to OP,

[00:05:05] [SPEAKER_01]: Best most well received constructive criticism means the sandwich method.

[00:05:09] [SPEAKER_01]: A compliment, what could be done better.

[00:05:11] [SPEAKER_01]: Another compliment.

[00:05:13] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm surprised you are so into the concept of constructive criticism, but don't actually do it correctly.

[00:05:19] [SPEAKER_01]: But also he kind of sucks too.

[00:05:21] [SPEAKER_01]: You were the only one who didn't laugh.

[00:05:23] [SPEAKER_01]: Sounds like he's willing to bend the reality to make you the villain of the story.

[00:05:28] [SPEAKER_01]: Not much can do about that and if I were you would also correct that by pointing out most people didn't laugh.

[00:05:34] [SPEAKER_01]: It may make him more hurt, but I'm not going to enable some alternative reality which I was the bad guy just so he feels better.

[00:05:40] [SPEAKER_01]: But you still should have done the sandwich.

[00:05:43] [SPEAKER_01]: What apologize for being harsh and give him time?

[00:05:46] [SPEAKER_01]: You already apologized, so I guess give him time now.

[00:05:50] [SPEAKER_01]: And in the future take into account that sometimes people just want to pat on the back.

[00:05:54] [SPEAKER_01]: Not constructive criticism.

[00:05:57] [SPEAKER_01]: OP says, I'm definitely the villain in his narrative right now.

[00:06:01] [SPEAKER_01]: Partially deservedly so.

[00:06:02] [SPEAKER_01]: But I don't think I'm as bad as he's making me out to be.

[00:06:05] [SPEAKER_01]: I've ruined stand up for him and he never wants to perform again.

[00:06:09] [SPEAKER_01]: But yeah, he was looking for a pat on the back and I don't do false praise.

[00:06:14] [SPEAKER_01]: In hindsight though, when he asked if I liked it, he could have said you have great stage presence and slash all.

[00:06:20] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm really proud you did it.

[00:06:22] [SPEAKER_01]: It's been a learning opportunity for me and has caused me to think a lot about how I communicate with him.

[00:06:27] [SPEAKER_01]: Not just about this.

[00:06:29] [SPEAKER_01]: The commenter says, you are like a gender swoper of the husband who goes, oh shucks.

[00:06:34] [SPEAKER_01]: When his wife who has gained 15 pounds ask her if a new expensive dress she finds really beautiful makes her look fat.

[00:06:41] [SPEAKER_01]: He is honest and says he thinks it's awesome she's trying to improve her style but yeah, she looks fat.

[00:06:46] [SPEAKER_01]: Basically you are right but you're an asshole.

[00:06:49] [SPEAKER_01]: Not a marriage ending moment by any means but maybe a sign that there's a part of your personality that is underdeveloped.

[00:06:55] [SPEAKER_01]: People want to be told a fiction sometime.

[00:06:57] [SPEAKER_01]: In particular about their appearance, about their sexual prowess or masculinity slash femininity.

[00:07:03] [SPEAKER_01]: Or in this case about their creative work.

[00:07:06] [SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes if you're not sure if someone wants support or suggestions on what can make it even better.

[00:07:12] [SPEAKER_01]: The best thing to do is just give support first and just ask if they want tips or feedback.

[00:07:18] [SPEAKER_01]: Now I'm interested to see how you receive feedback.

[00:07:21] [SPEAKER_01]: Opia responds saying that's actually really insightful and helpful.

[00:07:25] [SPEAKER_01]: I already knew we were gender swapped in most aspects.

[00:07:28] [SPEAKER_01]: He's a stay at home parent and I'm the primary breadwinner.

[00:07:31] [SPEAKER_01]: He's kind and nurturing. I'm cold and ambitious. He's creative. I'm analytical.

[00:07:37] [SPEAKER_01]: We've actually discussed this issue before in regards to our child because I don't want to be an emotionally unavailable mum

[00:07:43] [SPEAKER_01]: but I hadn't realised how my issues already impact in communication with my husband until this incident.

[00:07:50] [SPEAKER_01]: Comanter says he's a stay at home dad. Oh that makes it so much worse.

[00:07:54] [SPEAKER_01]: He was trying to do something outside the home.

[00:07:56] [SPEAKER_01]: Something that might give him some identity other than your husband.

[00:08:00] [SPEAKER_01]: And you crapped all over it. As a stay at home dad myself, that would be absolutely crushing.

[00:08:05] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not sure what you can do here other than continue to be supportive and let time heal this.

[00:08:11] [SPEAKER_01]: Opia says you're right. I really want him to keep doing it because I think he has a lot of potential

[00:08:15] [SPEAKER_01]: but I absolutely effed it up and feel terrible about it.

[00:08:19] [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't want to discourage him. I genuinely wanted to help him improve

[00:08:23] [SPEAKER_01]: but instead I made him lose motivation. I really don't know what to do.

[00:08:28] [SPEAKER_01]: I hope that in time he actually does decide to go back into it.

[00:08:32] [SPEAKER_01]: Comanter says he's never going to make it as a stand-up comedian if he can't take constructive criticism.

[00:08:38] [SPEAKER_01]: Opia says I think he'll reach a point where he can take it. He's very open to critiques on his writing

[00:08:42] [SPEAKER_01]: but since it was his first time he just wanted or needed encouragement.

[00:08:47] [SPEAKER_01]: Op on their background says I'm not an expert in stand-up comedy.

[00:08:51] [SPEAKER_01]: I did do improv comedy for over a decade and sketch comedy for about the same amount of time.

[00:08:57] [SPEAKER_01]: Though I'm not a complete novice, but it is different.

[00:09:00] [SPEAKER_01]: My analysis was that because it was an extended joke.

[00:09:03] [SPEAKER_01]: Basically different spins on the same joke if people don't buy into that initial joke

[00:09:07] [SPEAKER_01]: you've lost them for the whole set.

[00:09:09] [SPEAKER_01]: And when the initial joke is a dick joke and the crowd skews older.

[00:09:13] [SPEAKER_01]: Realistically I'm going to lose quite a few people right from the start.

[00:09:17] [SPEAKER_01]: I suggested if you want to keep it, come up with variations on the dick joke

[00:09:20] [SPEAKER_01]: or figuring a way to incorporate other jokes into the set.

[00:09:24] [SPEAKER_01]: But keep the dick joke as the running theme. Just not the sole joke.

[00:09:28] [SPEAKER_01]: I stand by my criticism. I don't stand by my delivery.

[00:09:32] [SPEAKER_01]: I think I kind of agree with OP. I don't really understand the comments in this

[00:09:36] [SPEAKER_01]: what I have to say that the criticism is warranted but maybe the delivery and the timing just wasn't right.

[00:09:42] [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe for that moment just saying you know really proud of you.

[00:09:45] [SPEAKER_01]: You did a great thing and then when it all wears off

[00:09:48] [SPEAKER_01]: then you can say maybe you could incorporate other stuff into your set.

[00:09:53] [SPEAKER_01]: But people jumping on OP about making excuses etc. I didn't get that at all.

[00:09:59] [SPEAKER_01]: I felt very much like OP. It's just introspection.

[00:10:02] [SPEAKER_01]: They're saying how they felt in that moment that this is the way they are

[00:10:06] [SPEAKER_01]: because of that reason. That's not an excuse.

[00:10:08] [SPEAKER_01]: It doesn't sound like OP is trying to sidestep the subject at all

[00:10:12] [SPEAKER_01]: or trying to get out of it. Just trying to understand.

[00:10:15] [SPEAKER_01]: I talk about a lot of families where I grew up and you know

[00:10:18] [SPEAKER_01]: you can see how their family, their younger family life has shaped them to who they are today.

[00:10:24] [SPEAKER_01]: I feel like I mention this all the time now since I've been going through it

[00:10:27] [SPEAKER_01]: but the book on emotionally immature parents and how they shape you at the same time

[00:10:33] [SPEAKER_01]: it just brought so much light to it all as well for me.

[00:10:37] [SPEAKER_01]: Fair play between first trying stand up. There's no way on earth.

[00:10:41] [SPEAKER_01]: I would ever be able to try anything like that.

[00:10:44] [SPEAKER_01]: But I can also imagine that and I obviously don't know the ins and outs

[00:10:48] [SPEAKER_01]: but doing stand up and it's got to be brutal especially in the beginning right?

[00:10:53] [SPEAKER_01]: I watched a Netflix series recently you probably heard it

[00:10:55] [SPEAKER_01]: it wasn't pretty viral or what I'd call baby reindeer about this comedian who then gets stalked

[00:10:59] [SPEAKER_01]: but this comedian is basically doing small pubs and stuff

[00:11:02] [SPEAKER_01]: and his sets weren't being well received and I just cringe.

[00:11:06] [SPEAKER_01]: I can't deal with it.

[00:11:08] [SPEAKER_01]: I literally have to put my face under the covers on those parts.

[00:11:13] [SPEAKER_02]: Hello, we're Julia Becker and Chris Sommer from the podcast Drennies.

[00:11:16] [SPEAKER_02]: Dogs are not Drennies. They want to play out more every day

[00:11:18] [SPEAKER_02]: and everyone has to know that.

[00:11:21] [SPEAKER_02]: If you're on the road, it should be well secured.

[00:11:24] [SPEAKER_02]: The animal health insurance from Petolo offers your dog and cat full protection

[00:11:28] [SPEAKER_02]: which means OP and health protection.

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[00:12:07] [SPEAKER_01]: Essentially it wasn't what I said, it was when I said it.

[00:12:11] [SPEAKER_01]: I apologize again and I told him that I hoped he would continue to do stand-up

[00:12:15] [SPEAKER_01]: because it seemed like it made him happy.

[00:12:18] [SPEAKER_01]: And that some people there found him really funny.

[00:12:21] [SPEAKER_01]: We talked for a while after that about his set.

[00:12:23] [SPEAKER_01]: I used the shit sandwich technique you all suggested

[00:12:27] [SPEAKER_01]: they said he agreed with and appreciated the feedback.

[00:12:30] [SPEAKER_01]: He still hurt because what I did will always cloud the joy associated

[00:12:34] [SPEAKER_01]: with his first stand-up experience.

[00:12:37] [SPEAKER_01]: And he says he doesn't know if he wants me to come see him

[00:12:39] [SPEAKER_01]: if he does it again, which I agreed was fair.

[00:12:42] [SPEAKER_01]: Although I hope he does eventually let me come.

[00:12:45] [SPEAKER_01]: But overall I think we're in a good place.

[00:12:47] [SPEAKER_01]: We're going on a date this weekend and we're both really looking forward to it.

[00:12:51] [SPEAKER_01]: As far as my mother, some of you seem to think

[00:12:54] [SPEAKER_01]: that I was using her criticism of me to excuse my behavior.

[00:12:57] [SPEAKER_01]: I wasn't.

[00:12:58] [SPEAKER_01]: I was trying to explain that in my child brain

[00:13:01] [SPEAKER_01]: I interpreted my mom tearing me down as love

[00:13:04] [SPEAKER_01]: because how else do you rationalize that as a young child

[00:13:07] [SPEAKER_01]: and because that's how I learned to show love.

[00:13:10] [SPEAKER_01]: That's what I did to my husband.

[00:13:12] [SPEAKER_01]: People told me I should have been supportive

[00:13:14] [SPEAKER_01]: but I thought I was being supportive

[00:13:17] [SPEAKER_01]: because that's how it was modeled for me.

[00:13:20] [SPEAKER_01]: There's something I hadn't confronted

[00:13:21] [SPEAKER_01]: until I was lying awake trying to figure out

[00:13:23] [SPEAKER_01]: why I would hurt someone I love.

[00:13:26] [SPEAKER_01]: Now that I know, I asked my husband

[00:13:28] [SPEAKER_01]: if I'd been overly critical of him before.

[00:13:30] [SPEAKER_01]: He said yes but up until this point

[00:13:32] [SPEAKER_01]: he shrugged it off and let it go.

[00:13:35] [SPEAKER_01]: I told him to please call me out on it going forward.

[00:13:38] [SPEAKER_01]: It might be the way I am right now

[00:13:39] [SPEAKER_01]: but it's not the way I want to be,

[00:13:42] [SPEAKER_01]: especially for our child.

[00:13:44] [SPEAKER_01]: Now that I've figured out the root of the problem

[00:13:45] [SPEAKER_01]: I feel like I have a better chance of changing myself.

[00:13:49] [SPEAKER_01]: Others have said that my husband doesn't have the mentality

[00:13:52] [SPEAKER_01]: to succeed in comedy because of his reaction to my criticism.

[00:13:55] [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe, maybe not.

[00:13:57] [SPEAKER_01]: I think he would have been receptive to it

[00:13:59] [SPEAKER_01]: if I had waited until the excitement

[00:14:01] [SPEAKER_01]: and post-performance hide worn off

[00:14:03] [SPEAKER_01]: and getting negative feedback from your spouse

[00:14:05] [SPEAKER_01]: is different than random strangers.

[00:14:08] [SPEAKER_01]: Lastly, more than a couple of you suggested

[00:14:09] [SPEAKER_01]: I give him a BJ so he gets over it.

[00:14:12] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not planning on using sex

[00:14:13] [SPEAKER_01]: to replace communication in our marriage.

[00:14:15] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm kind of surprised that works for anyone to be honest.

[00:14:18] [SPEAKER_01]: Do everyone who replied,

[00:14:20] [SPEAKER_01]: thank you for your input.

[00:14:22] [SPEAKER_01]: I feel like I've learned a lot in the past 48 hours

[00:14:24] [SPEAKER_01]: and I'm slightly mortified

[00:14:26] [SPEAKER_01]: but this has apparently been a thing

[00:14:27] [SPEAKER_01]: my husband has been suffering in silence with for a while now.

[00:14:31] [SPEAKER_01]: Hopefully this will help me be a better partner going forward.

[00:14:34] [SPEAKER_01]: And I think communication

[00:14:35] [SPEAKER_01]: wins the day once again.

[00:14:38] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm pretty happy with that

[00:14:39] [SPEAKER_01]: and I'm glad that OP understands

[00:14:41] [SPEAKER_01]: that it could have been delivered much better at a better time

[00:14:44] [SPEAKER_01]: and seems to find the root of some of the issues in her life,

[00:14:48] [SPEAKER_01]: aka her mother

[00:14:49] [SPEAKER_01]: and said to him, you know,

[00:14:51] [SPEAKER_01]: if you feel that way in the future,

[00:14:52] [SPEAKER_01]: call me out on it, please.

[00:14:55] [SPEAKER_01]: Which I think is a good attitude to have

[00:14:57] [SPEAKER_01]: and one that can only benefit them both as a couple.

[00:15:00] [SPEAKER_01]: But what do you guys make of this situation?

[00:15:04] [SPEAKER_01]: Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below

[00:15:06] [SPEAKER_01]: and let's move on to another story.

[00:15:10] [SPEAKER_01]: Our next story comes from Father's Day 22

[00:15:13] [SPEAKER_01]: from the Am I the Arsoul subreddit

[00:15:15] [SPEAKER_01]: and says, Am I the Arsoul for not spending Father's Day

[00:15:18] [SPEAKER_01]: with my son?

[00:15:20] [SPEAKER_01]: I, 33 male, lost my father at a young age.

[00:15:25] [SPEAKER_01]: Ever since then, I spend Father's Day at his grave

[00:15:27] [SPEAKER_01]: and visit in places that are important to him.

[00:15:30] [SPEAKER_01]: My wife has always been supportive of this.

[00:15:33] [SPEAKER_01]: But last year, that changed.

[00:15:35] [SPEAKER_01]: Our son, 6 now, 5 then,

[00:15:38] [SPEAKER_01]: wanted to attend this Father's Day festival with me.

[00:15:41] [SPEAKER_01]: I told him that I already had plans.

[00:15:44] [SPEAKER_01]: But he was welcome to join me

[00:15:45] [SPEAKER_01]: and learn about his grandfather.

[00:15:46] [SPEAKER_01]: Son didn't enjoy the day.

[00:15:50] [SPEAKER_01]: He was very bored at the grave site

[00:15:51] [SPEAKER_01]: and I repeatedly had to direct him away from other graves.

[00:15:55] [SPEAKER_01]: The long car rides were also a lot for him.

[00:15:58] [SPEAKER_01]: I decided that this type of experience

[00:16:00] [SPEAKER_01]: shouldn't be repeated again for him until he is older.

[00:16:04] [SPEAKER_01]: Tickets for this year's festival just went on sale

[00:16:06] [SPEAKER_01]: and this morning my wife gave me two tickets,

[00:16:09] [SPEAKER_01]: an adult and child.

[00:16:12] [SPEAKER_01]: For me and my son.

[00:16:13] [SPEAKER_01]: I reminded her that I had plans.

[00:16:15] [SPEAKER_01]: She got mad and told me that my dad would be disappointed in me

[00:16:18] [SPEAKER_01]: with neglecting his grandson.

[00:16:20] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't neglect my son.

[00:16:23] [SPEAKER_01]: I got really irritated with my wife.

[00:16:25] [SPEAKER_01]: I told her this one day is all I ever asked for

[00:16:28] [SPEAKER_01]: and I'm not giving it up.

[00:16:30] [SPEAKER_01]: She called me an asshole

[00:16:31] [SPEAKER_01]: and said if I don't take son to the festival,

[00:16:34] [SPEAKER_01]: she will,

[00:16:34] [SPEAKER_01]: and will tell everyone that she's present

[00:16:36] [SPEAKER_01]: because her husband is a deadbeat dad.

[00:16:39] [SPEAKER_01]: I think she's out of line.

[00:16:40] [SPEAKER_01]: Am I in the wrong?

[00:16:42] [SPEAKER_01]: And there's some replies to OP

[00:16:44] [SPEAKER_01]: and OP replying to them as well.

[00:16:46] [SPEAKER_01]: So the shadow of yours says,

[00:16:47] [SPEAKER_01]: think of it this way.

[00:16:49] [SPEAKER_01]: If your father was alive,

[00:16:50] [SPEAKER_01]: would you want to spend father's day at a festival with him

[00:16:53] [SPEAKER_01]: or at your grandfather's grave?

[00:16:55] [SPEAKER_01]: Your father is gone.

[00:16:57] [SPEAKER_01]: Your son's father is not.

[00:16:59] [SPEAKER_01]: Appreciate what time you have with your son

[00:17:01] [SPEAKER_01]: because you do not know how long you have with him.

[00:17:04] [SPEAKER_01]: No one's an asshole here.

[00:17:06] [SPEAKER_01]: OP says this has hit me more than any other comment.

[00:17:09] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I'd really like to have gone to this festival

[00:17:11] [SPEAKER_01]: with my dad.

[00:17:13] [SPEAKER_01]: I haven't started yet back then,

[00:17:14] [SPEAKER_01]: but if it had,

[00:17:15] [SPEAKER_01]: he would have taken me.

[00:17:17] [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you for asking this question.

[00:17:18] [SPEAKER_01]: It definitely shifted my perspective.

[00:17:21] [SPEAKER_01]: The shadow of yours says,

[00:17:22] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm glad I could help.

[00:17:24] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not sure if you've seen the other comment,

[00:17:26] [SPEAKER_01]: but why not visit him on his birthday?

[00:17:28] [SPEAKER_01]: Everyone wins then.

[00:17:29] [SPEAKER_01]: You get to see your father

[00:17:30] [SPEAKER_01]: and your son gets to go to the festival with you.

[00:17:33] [SPEAKER_01]: OP says this is going to sound odd,

[00:17:35] [SPEAKER_01]: but my dad didn't celebrate his birthday.

[00:17:38] [SPEAKER_01]: My mom told me

[00:17:38] [SPEAKER_01]: he didn't like talking about his birthday,

[00:17:40] [SPEAKER_01]: although he always made a big deal out of hers and mine.

[00:17:43] [SPEAKER_01]: So neither of us know why he didn't like it.

[00:17:46] [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe he was planning on telling me one day,

[00:17:48] [SPEAKER_01]: but I'll never know.

[00:17:49] [SPEAKER_01]: However, I do have a couple of alternatives I'm considering.

[00:17:52] [SPEAKER_01]: Regardless, I've decided to take him.

[00:17:55] [SPEAKER_01]: The overwhelming you're the asshole verdict

[00:17:56] [SPEAKER_01]: is pretty convincing.

[00:17:58] [SPEAKER_01]: I guess grief blinded me.

[00:18:00] [SPEAKER_01]: I do still think that what my wife said was out of line

[00:18:03] [SPEAKER_01]: and that needs to be a conversation,

[00:18:04] [SPEAKER_01]: but my son is an innocent

[00:18:06] [SPEAKER_01]: and he deserves good memories.

[00:18:08] [SPEAKER_01]: Mi-Yuki M says you're deprived of far too many Father's Day celebrations

[00:18:12] [SPEAKER_01]: with your dad and now,

[00:18:14] [SPEAKER_01]: you're depriving your son of them too.

[00:18:16] [SPEAKER_01]: Your grief is understandable

[00:18:17] [SPEAKER_01]: and it sounds like you've established a tradition

[00:18:19] [SPEAKER_01]: that brings you some measure of comfort.

[00:18:22] [SPEAKER_01]: However, it's time to start focusing on the relationship in front of you

[00:18:25] [SPEAKER_01]: rather than the one that's in the past.

[00:18:27] [SPEAKER_01]: When your son is old enough,

[00:18:29] [SPEAKER_01]: perhaps you can re-establish a tradition

[00:18:31] [SPEAKER_01]: or as others have suggested,

[00:18:33] [SPEAKER_01]: go to the cemetery on your dad's birthday instead.

[00:18:36] [SPEAKER_01]: You're the asshole but gently.

[00:18:38] [SPEAKER_01]: Good luck.

[00:18:39] [SPEAKER_01]: I find this just like incredibly sad for your son

[00:18:43] [SPEAKER_01]: and you know,

[00:18:44] [SPEAKER_01]: the more this carries on,

[00:18:46] [SPEAKER_01]: I can only feel like resentment is going to build up

[00:18:49] [SPEAKER_01]: and that last comment from Yu-Gi-E-M who said,

[00:18:52] [SPEAKER_01]: you know,

[00:18:52] [SPEAKER_01]: you're depriving your son of them too now

[00:18:54] [SPEAKER_01]: is spot on

[00:18:56] [SPEAKER_01]: and I understand grief

[00:18:58] [SPEAKER_01]: and I always say, you know,

[00:18:59] [SPEAKER_01]: grief comes in many forms

[00:19:01] [SPEAKER_01]: and grief whatever way you want

[00:19:03] [SPEAKER_01]: as long as you're doing it in a healthy way

[00:19:05] [SPEAKER_01]: but this doesn't feel healthy

[00:19:07] [SPEAKER_01]: it may be bringing you some level of comfort

[00:19:09] [SPEAKER_01]: and I totally understand that

[00:19:11] [SPEAKER_01]: but also your damaging your relationship with your own son

[00:19:14] [SPEAKER_01]: and sometimes I think in certain situations

[00:19:17] [SPEAKER_01]: where I think about my parents

[00:19:18] [SPEAKER_01]: and I think what they would have wanted for me

[00:19:20] [SPEAKER_01]: and I always joke about it before

[00:19:22] [SPEAKER_01]: and you know, me and my mum and my dad

[00:19:24] [SPEAKER_01]: a little bit of a dark sense of humour in some ways

[00:19:27] [SPEAKER_01]: and you know, she always used to say

[00:19:28] [SPEAKER_01]: when I'm gone if I catch you sort of like

[00:19:30] [SPEAKER_01]: grieving for me or crying for me or whatever

[00:19:33] [SPEAKER_01]: I'll come back to haunt you

[00:19:34] [SPEAKER_01]: in a jokey banterish sort of way

[00:19:36] [SPEAKER_01]: just the way that we were

[00:19:38] [SPEAKER_01]: but OP comes in with her update and says

[00:19:40] [SPEAKER_01]: edit, initially my plan was to get an unbiased perspective

[00:19:45] [SPEAKER_01]: I figured since almost everyone agreed that I was the asshole

[00:19:47] [SPEAKER_01]: it really was important to go to this festival

[00:19:50] [SPEAKER_01]: however the flood of vitriol that followed

[00:19:52] [SPEAKER_01]: gave me pause

[00:19:53] [SPEAKER_01]: there's really no such thing as an unbiased perspective

[00:19:56] [SPEAKER_01]: everyone has an agenda

[00:19:58] [SPEAKER_01]: of course the comments prove that

[00:20:01] [SPEAKER_01]: a polite person asked if I'd wanted to go to such a festival with my dad

[00:20:05] [SPEAKER_01]: that hit me because of course I would

[00:20:07] [SPEAKER_01]: I'd want to do almost anything with my dad

[00:20:10] [SPEAKER_01]: do I miss?

[00:20:11] [SPEAKER_01]: kids love festivals so

[00:20:13] [SPEAKER_01]: of course I would have enjoyed this as a kid

[00:20:15] [SPEAKER_01]: however my dad never spoiled me

[00:20:17] [SPEAKER_01]: and I'm not going to teach my son

[00:20:19] [SPEAKER_01]: that the sun revolves around him either

[00:20:21] [SPEAKER_01]: there are plenty of festivals and carnivals we attend throughout the year

[00:20:26] [SPEAKER_01]: that can't be every day

[00:20:27] [SPEAKER_01]: this is dad's day

[00:20:29] [SPEAKER_01]: his only day

[00:20:31] [SPEAKER_01]: and I'm not going to take it from him

[00:20:33] [SPEAKER_01]: I talked to my mom about what happened

[00:20:35] [SPEAKER_01]: then she told me

[00:20:36] [SPEAKER_01]: I wouldn't reward son for having a tantrum

[00:20:38] [SPEAKER_01]: but I am rewarding wife

[00:20:39] [SPEAKER_01]: and she's right

[00:20:41] [SPEAKER_01]: on June 19th I'm going to take my son to my hometown

[00:20:44] [SPEAKER_01]: to spend the morning with my mom while I visit the grave

[00:20:48] [SPEAKER_01]: then I'll take him to lunch at my dad's favourite restaurant

[00:20:50] [SPEAKER_01]: we go swimming nearby the place dad used to take me fishing

[00:20:54] [SPEAKER_01]: I'll take him to get ice cream

[00:20:56] [SPEAKER_01]: it'll be a nice day

[00:20:57] [SPEAKER_01]: and it will be a day that honours my dad

[00:20:59] [SPEAKER_01]: my wife can go to the festival she wants

[00:21:01] [SPEAKER_01]: but son will not be attending

[00:21:03] [SPEAKER_01]: I know many of you were excited that I decided to take him

[00:21:07] [SPEAKER_01]: but I'm not going to teach my son this okay to be selfish

[00:21:10] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to continue to teach him about dad

[00:21:12] [SPEAKER_01]: so dad can live on in spirit

[00:21:15] [SPEAKER_01]: make my son the focus of almost every holiday

[00:21:17] [SPEAKER_01]: but this is dad's day

[00:21:19] [SPEAKER_01]: that's an important lesson for him to learn

[00:21:21] [SPEAKER_01]: sometimes it's not about us

[00:21:23] [SPEAKER_01]: sometimes it's about others

[00:21:26] [SPEAKER_01]: don't minxie mouse comes in and quotes OP first

[00:21:29] [SPEAKER_01]: saying I figured since almost everyone agreed

[00:21:31] [SPEAKER_01]: that I was the asshole it was really important to go to this festival

[00:21:34] [SPEAKER_01]: minxie mouse then says oh thank god

[00:21:36] [SPEAKER_01]: and then quotes again saying however the flood of vitriol

[00:21:39] [SPEAKER_01]: that followed gave me pause

[00:21:40] [SPEAKER_01]: there's really no such thing as an unbiased perspective

[00:21:43] [SPEAKER_01]: minxie mouse then says oh you fucking jackass

[00:21:46] [SPEAKER_01]: he was still set on what he wants to

[00:21:49] [SPEAKER_01]: instead of what his son wants to

[00:21:50] [SPEAKER_01]: he has no reason to bring his wife's problems up

[00:21:53] [SPEAKER_01]: what kid have fun in a graveyard anyway

[00:21:55] [SPEAKER_01]: what a selfish prick

[00:21:58] [SPEAKER_01]: sir lay says got a lover post like this

[00:22:00] [SPEAKER_01]: he's such an asshole that when it's confirmed by hundreds of people

[00:22:04] [SPEAKER_01]: he doubles down on his decision at a spite

[00:22:07] [SPEAKER_01]: imagine being completely in control of a narrative

[00:22:09] [SPEAKER_01]: that is presented to complete strangers

[00:22:11] [SPEAKER_01]: and you still accuse people of being biased

[00:22:13] [SPEAKER_01]: this guy sucks

[00:22:15] [SPEAKER_01]: glad he loves his dad because this kind of attitude

[00:22:18] [SPEAKER_01]: isn't going to have a son falling over his grave in the future

[00:22:21] [SPEAKER_01]: and one more comment which says

[00:22:23] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to teach my son not to be selfish

[00:22:26] [SPEAKER_01]: by being extremely selfish and disregarding his feelings

[00:22:29] [SPEAKER_01]: what a terrible dad

[00:22:32] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm just shaking my head here

[00:22:34] [SPEAKER_01]: I can't, ugh that's incredibly sad for the son

[00:22:37] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know what to say

[00:22:39] [SPEAKER_01]: I can only imagine what the grandfather would be saying to his own son

[00:22:42] [SPEAKER_01]: in this situation

[00:22:43] [SPEAKER_01]: certainly I hope you would be anyway

[00:22:45] [SPEAKER_01]: but now I'm gonna turn this one to you guys

[00:22:49] [SPEAKER_01]: what do you guys make of this situation

[00:22:52] [SPEAKER_01]: let me know your thoughts down in the comments below

[00:22:55] [SPEAKER_01]: and just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart

[00:22:57] [SPEAKER_01]: for getting involved in today's stories

[00:22:58] [SPEAKER_01]: your love, your support, your time

[00:23:00] [SPEAKER_01]: always means the absolute world to me

[00:23:02] [SPEAKER_01]: so thank you so much

[00:23:03] [SPEAKER_01]: and hopefully I'll see you in the next one

[00:23:05] [SPEAKER_01]: take care

[00:23:06] [SPEAKER_01]: and much love

[00:23:35] [SPEAKER_02]: dogs are not really a drinins

[00:23:37] [SPEAKER_02]: they want to play out more often and play with others

[00:23:39] [SPEAKER_02]: you have to know that

[00:23:40] [SPEAKER_02]: if you're on the road, you should be well protected

[00:23:43] [SPEAKER_02]: pet insurance offers your dog and cat full protection

[00:23:47] [SPEAKER_02]: that means OP and medical protection