Husband Said He Would Choose His Deceased Wife Over Me In Front Of Our Friends r/Relationships

[00:00:01] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from NoContext7758 and it says, am I the arsehole here for being upset with my husband for saying he would choose his deceased wife over me?

[00:00:28] My 34 female husband, 37 male, was married once before me. She was his high school sweetheart. They started dating their junior year, survived long distance during college and got married when they were both 23, very shortly after graduating college. She passed away unexpectedly at age 26 from an aneurysm and it obviously devastated him, especially because they were extremely young. They never had children. He contemplated remarrying because he was so old.

[00:00:58] So heartbroken. But we ended up meeting about four years after that. We got married when I was 31 and he was 34 and have two children. Last night's, we're at a friend's potluck gathering. Everything was going well until one of our friends brought up a new topic that had to do with relationships. She is newly divorced, so it was about her divorce. Others were chiming in with past relationships from high school, college, etc.

[00:01:24] That said, I never thought I would get married because my luck with men has always been terrible until I met my husband and I said I felt very lucky to have met him. After a little while longer, my husband brings up his deceased wife. Everyone knows he was married before me and that she passed. He was talking about her and then drops a bomb and goes, if she walked through that front door right now, I'd pick up where we left off.

[00:01:48] If I'm being honest, it felt like someone put my heart into a blender and punched me in the gut as hard as they could. Everyone in the room could sense the awkwardness that followed. To avoid making a scene, I just laughed it off, even though I think it was still obvious that it hurt me. I just felt that if you still felt that way, then why are we married? I've never asked him to get over his wife. I've never had a deceased spouse or even a deceased partner, so I'm unsure how that feels. I would never say that in front of my new spouse.

[00:02:18] After the gathering, we left and I did not speak to him the entire car ride home or barely the entire night. I did tell him that what he said hurt my feelings deeply and that we could talk in the morning once I've calmed down because I didn't want to say something mean to him. I ended up sleeping on the couch because he would not leave me alone. It's now the next morning and I've barely slept. He's still sleeping. I'm not really sure what to say or what he will say. And I feel kind of the same way as OP in this.

[00:02:46] It's one thing to be thinking it, etc. But to say out loud in a public setting, the parent of your children that you just get up and abandon them in a heartbeat if she walked through that door. Of course, we could be talking about grief and not processing it. And if you're going to continue, you should absolutely get him to seek professional help for that. Of course, the grief doesn't excuse what he said, but it might explain it somewhat.

[00:03:12] It just seems like such a random thing to come out in a party setting like that. But OP was answering some questions below. The first one, they said yes. Like I said, I would never ask him to get over her or forget her. She died. Realistically, if she hadn't, they could still be together with a family. But I would have kept that thought to myself. Someone asks if the husband's in counseling and OP said he did for a short time, but he doesn't really talk about her or that time very much.

[00:03:40] So I'm not too sure for how long or if he was ever consistent with it. He started off by saying how he had never been in a serious relationship until his first wife. Like he'd had a little relationship in middle school and early high school, but she was the first one he'd ever felt serious about. Then said what he said. Everything was fine until he said what he said. I'm also not opposed to him speaking about her. He mostly just kept asking if we could talk and that he did not mean to say it.

[00:04:09] I'm just guessing it just slipped out and he was not thinking. I'm not sure. I honestly feel very nauseous. We both have remote jobs, so we're home together all day most of the time. I'm not necessarily considering splitting. I don't know what to think honestly. I would like for him to have individual counseling and maybe we could do something together. I know that he doesn't not love me, but you also would not say that I'm front of someone you cared about. I also didn't think about the romanticizing what could have been.

[00:04:39] That does make a lot of sense. Counseling could help. This is replayed over and over in my head all night. It's obviously impossible, but if it were possible, then yeah, he would. I think he does understand at least a little bit, but he cannot take back what was said. And yeah, that will be my suggestion. Maybe regular counseling for him and then couples for us once a week. But that will be difficult with figuring out what to do with the kids because we already pay a decent amount for daycare.

[00:05:10] I don't know. No one was drinking heavily because we'd all driven there. Maybe some people would think he was drunk. I'm not too sure what happened. And yes, I'm worried about our talk. He should be waking up soon. I'm hoping to make it clear how much I was hurt. That I want counseling and to just talk things out. I've never had anything like this happen to me before. I'm getting so many comments and trying to read them all because I am nervous. We've honestly never had a blowout argument before. Small disagreements or bickering.

[00:05:40] I do not want this to turn into that. I'm scared. And yes, I've acknowledged that the only reason why I'm together is because she is gone. That is obvious and anyone with a brain would piece that together quickly. It's just what he said was mean. He could have kept that to himself. I would never say something like that to hear more in front of him. Even if I felt it. And yes, my friends, the ones that were there, have texted me and I've not responded. I don't want to. I'm embarrassed. I will not tell anyone else obviously because that's between us.

[00:06:10] But I can't promise they won't tell. Even if they say. I typically do forgive. I've forgiven things for 10 times worse than this. But I could never forget. Hopefully this can be at least semi-repaired. Edit. I've forgiven others for worse things. This is the worst thing my husband has done and said. Other people have done me for worse and I've forgiven them. Jesus, I was worried for OP when they said I've forgiven things 10 times worse. I immediately thought, oh God, what's he done? That's 10 times worse than that. But OP continues anyway saying,

[00:06:39] He said lovely things about her before. So have I. She's a very beautiful woman. Very smart as well. She was a nurse in the ICU. Which is interesting because I wanted to be a nurse before I went into the field I'm in now. I don't mind him talking about her or reminiscing. But he hurt my feelings saying something he should have never said aloud. Thinking that isn't the issue because I would have never known for sure. I've responded to everyone that texts me. Which was everyone there that has my number.

[00:07:08] Six people. They've all basically said the same thing. They can't believe he said that. They feel bad for me. Asking if everything is okay. What he said was not okay, etc. One of his friends messaged me on Facebook. Apologizing for not stepping in when it happened. And that he would speak to my husband the next time they saw each other. They've been friends since college and he knew his first wife. I did not say anything after it happened because I was shocked, hurt, confused and embarrassed. It came out of left field.

[00:07:38] I don't think anyone was convinced I was fine with it because the laugh came out very awkward and dry. And everyone kept looking at us. I was also quiet for the rest of the night. I'm a huge chatterbox. I also did not speak with him once we returned home because I was not sure how to communicate what I was feeling without saying something I did not mean. So I kept my mouth shut until I could process my feelings. It's also easier to speak with internet strangers because I'm not married to the people commenting. I'm just venting here.

[00:08:07] What I say here doesn't matter in my marriage. Lastly, lack of details because I didn't want this to be too long. And some people just like when you get to the point and only include important details. But because I'm new to this app, I didn't know how much was enough if that makes sense. I knew that if I opened my mouth to speak, it would not be good. I knew that then and when we got home. So I did not open it until that I could continue in a calm and collective manner. It's what I teach my kids. We do eat lunch together at home.

[00:08:36] It breaks about an hour after me. So I eat in the office with him and we chat and then we eat dinner together as a family. We do try date nights maybe twice a month. It's usually dinner and then agree on something fun after. I know it isn't much but we've got two small kids. Wish we could have planned us time a little better and our intimacy is pretty average. About three, sometimes four times a week. And it is not poor quality if anyone was going to ask. Not sure if anyone will see this but I have to get my day started.

[00:09:05] My husband is awake and we spoke for about two minutes. We'll be speaking after I drop my son off at daycare and after he has a Zoom meeting. Please wish me luck. So sometime later, OP does come in with her update. They said this may be a long one. I also tried to reply to as many comments as I could but they were flooding in and I got a bit overwhelmed. May still try to read and reply to them. Many brought me to joyous and grateful tears. Also alcohol was not involved in the sense that he wasn't drunk.

[00:09:35] My husband is six foot three and almost 250 pounds. He'd eaten quite a bit and had one beer. He was practically sober. Anyway, we talked. I asked him to let me go first and to not interrupt. He doesn't usually interrupt anyway. This isn't verbatim just a rough sketch of how things went. I also included points some of you made. Without mentioning, I posted about this of course.

[00:10:28] I said,

[00:10:59] He said,

[00:14:02] He kept asking me to eat.

[00:14:33] can change and then maybe we can move forward. But this is the first step. I don't want to just leave him. I'm not saying divorce is off the table. I think he is still hurting from her death and his judgment is very, very clouded. If he didn't love me, I doubt he would apologize so many times and look for counselors on his own. A man that doesn't love me probably would have made me look or rejected going altogether. Many people were suggesting this. I do not think he

[00:15:01] doesn't love me. Thought of this myself, cried about it. Thought of my children, cried more. I'm not staying for the kids. I'm staying because I want to at least try to fix it. If it cannot be fixed, then at least I tried. We were also very close. Some people were asking how close we were prior to marriage. I guess as a way to gauge the difference between their relationship and our relationship. Maybe to see if he settled. He was always very romantic,

[00:15:29] caring and sweet to me. We've never yelled at each other. When we first started dating, he would plan dates, surprise me, brag about me to his friends. So that's why I'm very confused on why he would just blurt that. Unless it was just very poor brain to mouth coordination. I also told him that I may get a counselor for myself. I don't think I need one. Someone suggested this, but I think he needs it more than I do. And because insurance companies are getting

[00:15:55] shittier by the year. Three counseling bills may be pushing it. I don't know. If I do get one, it's because I don't want to potentially resent him or doubt myself. Some people were making attempts to make me doubt myself. Some people in the comments were very nasty to me. I appreciate Reddit hiding comments with many downvotes as they may be mean, but I couldn't help but click. Some of you were very mean and very nasty individuals and I hope you find happiness one day.

[00:16:21] There could be another update in the future. Not opposed to making one. Thank you all for your kind words and support. I've also responded to everyone that texts me, which was everyone there at the potluck that has my number. Three people. There were nine people there, not including us. They've all basically said the same thing. They can't believe he said that. They feel bad for me, asking if everything is okay. What he said was not okay, etc. He showed me some texts with him

[00:16:49] and his friends and some made me cry with how kind they were being towards me. Basically telling him he wasn't necessarily wrong for thinking that, but wrong for saying it. I told him I loved him as well and I've never not loved him for even a second. I wasn't angry with him and didn't want him to, I guess, suffer for what he said. I was just hurt and needed him to know what he did hurt me and him to respond how he saw fit and would go from there. That is all for now. I could possibly

[00:17:17] answer more questions here if you have any. I tried to answer some of the more frequently asked ones that I saw. Again, sorry for this being so lengthy. Have a nice weekend everyone. Thank you again. So, Opie was answering some more of those questions. Opie said we didn't fight. I ate dinner with him. He suggested he sleep on the couch. I did not. I slept on the couch first. No one is making him feel bad. I already told him I loved him deeply and have asked him to stop apologizing because I know

[00:17:45] he is sorry. About the divorce, Opie says no. He asked me if I wanted one and I asked him why he would think I wanted one and he could not give me an answer. Maybe I didn't make that clear enough. My apologies. Opie says, I do not know what fixed looks like. I just want therapy and I want him to understand why it was hurtful. He does. So, maybe we're closer to a fix than I initially thought. I have no clue. He told me he would never want to make me feel like that again and wants to take steps

[00:18:13] to make sure I do not. Opie says to someone, go read the original post and then actually read this one. I never compared. For the love of God, stop commenting when you haven't read properly and comprehend what you read. Your grade in school must have been absolute shit. Opie also says, I didn't want the kids around while we talked. My daughter is old enough to understand the things that are said and I wanted us to pay 100% attention to one another and not have to worry about the kids interrupting. Opie said their relationship hadn't gotten difficult.

[00:18:43] I had friends in long distance. He did not argue like regular couples because there was nothing to argue about. They were never together. So him being with her through college was only hard because of the distance. Before that, they were too young to experience real relationship struggles and after they were not married long enough to deal with the challenges. Opie also said, I'm not sure if I included this. I'm getting a bit sleepy but he did say he regretted saying what he said to me and that he

[00:19:11] regretted how it made me feel. This will get lost in the comments but I hope many see it. I'm very tired. I barely got any sleep last night. So I'm going to bed pretty soon. I've been reading comments all day. I've not been on my phone this much in years. I thank everyone for their kind words and advice. Much of the advice was genuine and well thought out. Just like much of it was not that great. I'll read some more and respond some more but I'm dozing off a bit. Have a good night and great

[00:19:40] weekend. Opie then also comes in and says, and I feel like my husband may have moved on too fast. Therapy for much longer or a support group would have greatly helped him. I'm okay for right now. It still feels like a dream I guess but he's been trying to make up for it all day and I've told him that he doesn't need to. I know he's sorry. He said it a million times and he keeps checking in on me. He called me when he was out getting food and a few things from the grocery. He never does unless

[00:20:07] he forgot what he was supposed to be ordering. He's not a texter. And lastly, my niece posts stuff like that all the time but luckily my husband agreed to therapy. He already went on his own the first time. Granted he did not finish but him going on his own the first time is better than what a lot of men do these days. They unfortunately think it makes them weak when it doesn't. Makes you strong in my opinion. Admitting you need help and going to get the help takes a lot of courage.

[00:20:34] And OP's last comment said stopping counselling was not the smartest move. I did ask him if anyone encouraged him to stay in and he said no. I don't think he had as much support as he led me to believe. Maybe they were there for him but not really there for him. I would have encouraged my family member to keep going. Maybe he would have taken them a few times and then out to lunch after as a treat. Really sad all around actually but below that the comments were like they were a bit mixed if I'm

[00:21:02] being honest with you. A lot of people saying that would have been you know the end of their marriage as soon as they heard that. Other people saying counselling is a good idea and they may be able to move forward after that. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Now just a huge thank you for being here today getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me so thank

[00:21:28] you so so much and hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love.