Husband Needs To Cut Wife And Child Off To Get His "Fresh Start" r/Relationships

[00:00:03] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider a like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:21] Now today's first story comes from Challenge Connect 590. It's a story that may have been covered in other places, but it does have a new update to it as well. So if you heard it before and want to skip certain parts of the story, timestamps are always down in the description and along the timeline below. Thank you. It's titled, Husband Wants To Divorce And Start Over. Can't Bond With Baby.

[00:00:45] Throw away because I want to fix this and I'm paranoid about more people in our lives finding out. It's all so fucked up already. I don't want more stress. My husband and I have been married for five years. I gave birth to our first child in September, a girl. My husband was present for most of my labor but things went very pear shaped and I had to have an emergency c-section. The doctors told him to leave the room and wait outside. In short, he did not see our daughter before.

[00:01:15] A week ago, he informed me that he wants a divorce and start over on his dreams of having a family. He insists that he cannot bond with our daughter and says it's because he didn't see her being born. He said a lot about how it's always been a dream of his to have a small, close-knit family and now he can't have that with me because of the c-section and his not being in the room. His dad suggested therapy but husband refused saying he knew it wouldn't work.

[00:01:43] I've made sure he knows I'm open to the idea if he changes his mind but he's been very insistent that he knows this can't be fixed. Part of me knows I'm basically asking for a magic spell here but does anyone know any ideas how slash if this can be fixed? I'll try to answer any questions anyone may have.

[00:02:04] So, people were thinking that he's just going along the lines of making an excuse. Girl No says, he's just using this as an excuse to leave you.

[00:02:13] Here for T says, yes, I'm sorry OP. He's decided to leave but is making a horrible excuse.

[00:02:20] Lord Nacho says, yeah, holy cow. Better to not make a ridiculous excuse than this.

[00:02:24] There are guys who would be a father to that kid who aren't even the bio father. This guy is just disgusting. I wonder if he's talked to a friend who has rubber stamped it. It just sounds stupid.

[00:02:37] Heavenly Spike Man says, this is the lamest thing I've ever read and I would say he needs to start therapy immediately.

[00:02:42] But I suspect he is making this story up to mask his real feelings.

[00:02:46] He is scared and doesn't want to be a dad. He's making up this perfect family dream thing.

[00:02:52] Either subconsciously or consciously. Seeing a birth is not what creates bonding.

[00:02:57] OP mentioned in the start of the post that they were non-binary and OP left a comment on that saying,

[00:03:02] I realized in my late teens and he's known since before we started dating.

[00:03:06] We went to the same college and met in a shared class and we're friends for about a year before anything romantic developed.

[00:03:12] He was much more active with her before announcing his desire to start over.

[00:03:17] Now he doesn't do much with beyond basic babysitting stuff when I'm at work.

[00:03:22] Skip Ad says,

[00:03:24] How will divorce anew and then getting remarried help him bond with his daughter?

[00:03:28] Seems like the wrong fix to the problem.

[00:03:31] But there is a problem for sure so don't let others just tell you he's a piece of shit and you're better without him.

[00:03:36] OP says, I'm sorry, I wasn't clear.

[00:03:38] He wants to divorce me so he can find a new wife and start over.

[00:03:42] He insists he can't have his dream family with me because of our daughter and the lack of a bond.

[00:03:48] So OP came in with a first update and said several people suggested asking him to come with me to a therapist so I can get help understanding why he's leaving.

[00:03:57] He agreed our appointment was yesterday.

[00:03:59] It didn't go badly but it didn't go well either.

[00:04:03] He was very upfront with a therapist.

[00:04:05] He didn't try to mince words or refuse to answer questions.

[00:04:08] He told the man, paraphrasing,

[00:04:11] They got to bond the entire pregnancy.

[00:04:13] That baby is made of their body.

[00:04:15] I can't compare to that.

[00:04:16] My work started at birth and I wasn't there so I don't feel like I ever got hired if that makes sense.

[00:04:23] Yeah, he compared it to not having an employment contract.

[00:04:26] I got the metaphor I guess but I'm not sure how it translates to him not being able to bond.

[00:04:32] Several people made transphobic comments and several other people asked if maybe my lack of gender was an issue.

[00:04:39] I assume no because husband had known that I'm non-binary since before we started dating but I did bring it up while we were with a therapist.

[00:04:47] Husband insists that no, it has nothing to do with anything.

[00:04:50] He didn't care about what I am but how I did.

[00:04:53] The therapist was very focused on trying to help me understand and I appreciate that.

[00:04:58] No complaints with him.

[00:04:59] I'm still completely in the dark though.

[00:05:02] That husband has started talking about choosing a lawyer.

[00:05:04] He wants a clean break before daughter gets too attached.

[00:05:08] TLDR situation is still fucked.

[00:05:11] I'm leaning towards letting him just go and focusing on me and daughter.

[00:05:15] Slippery Tom says and quotes the clean break bit and says,

[00:05:19] I can't bond with my daughter so I want a clean break before she bonds too much with me.

[00:05:24] Are you sure your husband is all there?

[00:05:26] Has he had some sort of mental break or something?

[00:05:29] This literally makes no sense to me at all.

[00:05:31] Obviously I'm not trying to make excuses or find excuses for his behavior because, you know,

[00:05:37] he could just be an absolute arse.

[00:05:39] And there's that strong possibility of that.

[00:05:42] But I was thinking is, it's such a wild thing to say that you just like,

[00:05:47] I wasn't there for the birth so therefore I can't bond and I need a clean break.

[00:05:51] I just need to cut baby, wife out of my life and go on.

[00:05:54] After a five-year marriage, presumably a longer relationship as well.

[00:05:59] But to just do that is just wild.

[00:06:02] Electra Hart says he wants to leave OP and is using the child as an excuse.

[00:06:06] His reasoning and explanations are nonsensical.

[00:06:10] ETA, OP thinks he was being forthcoming and clear and consistent with a therapist.

[00:06:15] I see his concise answers as a sign of him being rehearsed.

[00:06:18] In other words, he worked on his cover-up slash alibi story.

[00:06:22] Which is why it was so easy for him to regurgitate it over and over.

[00:06:26] Either he didn't realize how hard being a parent would be and wants to opt out.

[00:06:30] Or he wants to leave OP and blaming the baby is convenient.

[00:06:34] OP had a traumatic birth and somehow the victim in the entire situation is the dad.

[00:06:38] Not the person who was cut open or the baby that was yanked out.

[00:06:42] The dad.

[00:06:44] Marmalade Mustache says, yeah, it sounds like he already has plans to move on.

[00:06:48] Especially mentioning how he wants to be able to have his close-knit family.

[00:06:52] Probably has some woman waiting for him that he's going to end up doing the same thing to once she has a child.

[00:06:59] And another commenter says to OP, so I hope child support is involved here.

[00:07:03] He doesn't just get to claim no bonding and get his clean break.

[00:07:07] I'd also like to see how he gets another partner to seriously consider him after they find out how he treated you and your child.

[00:07:14] OP says, I have no intention of lending him off the support hook.

[00:07:18] His dad knows.

[00:07:19] His mother passed away about a decade ago.

[00:07:21] Father-in-law isn't too keen on husband's reasoning.

[00:07:25] I haven't told my family yet.

[00:07:27] Father-in-law is firmly on my side.

[00:07:29] I made husband tell father-in-law all this mess when he first told me.

[00:07:33] Father-in-law also tried to push husband for therapy, but husband says it can't be fixed.

[00:07:39] Marmalade's comment had me rubbing my chin there where they said probably has another woman waiting for him and he's going to do the same thing to them.

[00:07:46] But it had me thinking, what if he gets this clean break, he goes and does his own thing and he goes on a date with another woman.

[00:07:53] And eventually, if he was to tell the truth, you know, can you imagine sitting there with this guy and him telling you,

[00:08:00] Oh yeah, I needed a clean break because I couldn't bond with that baby because I didn't see it being born.

[00:08:06] Can you imagine sitting there and hearing that?

[00:08:08] So a month after that update, Opie comes in with another one and says,

[00:08:12] This is probably going to be long and isn't a happy update.

[00:08:16] Mother post can be seen in my post history, but the short of it is that I gave birth to my daughter in September.

[00:08:22] My soon-to-be ex-husband did not see her birth.

[00:08:25] Things went very badly and I needed an emergency intervention.

[00:08:28] He was not in the room for the C-section.

[00:08:30] About a month and a half ago, he informed me that he cannot bond with her because he did not see her be born.

[00:08:36] And he wants to divorce so he can start over on his dreams of a close-knit family.

[00:08:41] We have filed.

[00:08:41] I've taken daughter and moved back in with my parents, who aren't very happy about the divorce,

[00:08:46] but are thrilled to have the chance to nanny daughter.

[00:08:48] Their words, not mine.

[00:08:50] Life was in stasis for about a week after my last post until father-in-law asked us to come over for dinner.

[00:08:56] He informed me that soon-to-be ex had asked for his help paying for a lawyer.

[00:09:00] He agreed with the requirement that we all sit down and have one last talk about the situation.

[00:09:05] He opened with saying that he thinks that getting this over with would be best for me and my daughter.

[00:09:10] Soon-to-be ex looked a little hurt at this, so he's willing to help, but he wanted to take one last shot of fixing it.

[00:09:16] The one last shot ended up being several hours of talking.

[00:09:20] Father-in-law bluntly demanded that soon-to-be ex explain his reasoning.

[00:09:24] Soon-to-be ex repeated the can't bond thing.

[00:09:27] Father-in-law asked why.

[00:09:28] The employment contract analogy was brought up again.

[00:09:32] After much back forth, what do you mean by this?

[00:09:35] Why that?

[00:09:35] Father-in-law just said, I'm not buying this.

[00:09:38] What's the real reason soon-to-be ex?

[00:09:40] Soon-to-be ex insisted till the end that what he'd been saying all along was his reasoning.

[00:09:45] He did not see daughter be born, so he can't bond.

[00:09:48] He tried.

[00:09:49] He insisted.

[00:09:50] The connection isn't there.

[00:09:51] He was supposed to connect when daughter was born.

[00:09:53] There was supposed to be a spark connection between them.

[00:09:56] But that spark can only happen right at birth, I guess.

[00:09:59] In his mind, he can't get it now.

[00:10:01] Father-in-law asked if soon-to-be ex thought daughter wasn't his.

[00:10:05] Soon-to-be ex insisted he has no doubts he is daughter's biological father.

[00:10:10] Father-in-law asked if soon-to-be ex was seeing someone else.

[00:10:13] Was there a woman or another pregnancy somewhere?

[00:10:16] Soon-to-be ex did not react well to this.

[00:10:18] He threw his phone down on the table and said that we're free to search it.

[00:10:21] He's not a scumbag.

[00:10:24] Oh, dear.

[00:10:25] After that, the conversation turned to post-divorce life.

[00:10:28] Soon-to-be ex offered up that he'd been running the numbers and would volunteer 50 a month alimony and 50 a month in child support.

[00:10:35] He doesn't have to do either, mind.

[00:10:37] Because we're divorcing and he wants to cut all ties with a kid.

[00:10:40] But he wants to be fair.

[00:10:42] $50 in alimony?

[00:10:44] Whatever.

[00:10:45] I have a job and a roof over our heads.

[00:10:47] I don't need it.

[00:10:48] $50 in child support?

[00:10:50] That is a lot less.

[00:10:51] Whatever.

[00:10:52] But I'm refusing to stress about it.

[00:10:54] The court will handle child support amounts.

[00:10:56] I'm making myself not be angry and let them deal with it.

[00:11:00] I admit, I tuned out most of the rest of father-in-law's attempt to talk sense into his son after that comment.

[00:11:06] I think that was when the coffin finally nailed itself shut.

[00:11:09] I started packing when we got home and went to my parents' house the next day.

[00:11:14] I'm no longer talking to soon-to-be ex.

[00:11:16] His lawyer talks to mine.

[00:11:18] We haven't spoken in almost three weeks.

[00:11:20] I don't think I need to tell you that he hasn't shown any concern for daughter, but here I am anyway.

[00:11:25] A day after I got there, my sister kidnapped me to her place.

[00:11:28] We got very drunk.

[00:11:30] Daughter was with parents, not us.

[00:11:32] Talked about everything and I screamed a lot.

[00:11:34] I got most of it out of my system.

[00:11:37] After that, we had more drinks and watched terrible horror movies.

[00:11:40] I woke up the next day with a headache from hell, but otherwise feeling better than I had in a long time.

[00:11:46] My job can't transfer me.

[00:11:48] Just my luck, but I've promised a glowing reference and I'm cashing out what little paid leave I have left to add to my savings.

[00:11:55] Father-in-law asked after the failed conversation if I'd be cutting him off.

[00:11:59] I assured him that he might not see us as much because of how far away my parents live and not knowing where I'll end up.

[00:12:05] But he's not getting rid of me or daughter that easily.

[00:12:08] He was very happy to hear that.

[00:12:10] So, that's where I am.

[00:12:12] Papers have been filed.

[00:12:14] Daughter and I have moved out of the house.

[00:12:16] I'm doing my best to ignore soon-to-be ex's existence.

[00:12:19] Thank you again for listening to me cry and complain over the past couple of months.

[00:12:24] Dazzling Suspect says,

[00:12:25] Oh my god, what a toolbox.

[00:12:27] I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[00:12:29] Also hard lol to,

[00:12:31] I don't have to do anything because I'm divorcing you and cutting ties with my child,

[00:12:35] but at the goodness of my heart, I'll give you $50 a month.

[00:12:38] I know you can support yourself and your child on your own,

[00:12:41] but your child deserves every penny the court awards.

[00:12:43] You're 100% correct to let the lawyers handle this from here,

[00:12:46] and tell them to get everything they can.

[00:12:49] Koko De Luna says,

[00:12:50] Yeah, this guy is going to be in for a shock when family court tells him child support isn't reduced

[00:12:55] just because you don't really feel like being a dad anymore.

[00:12:58] Then again, might be best to have him sign away rights entirely,

[00:13:01] so he can't come slinking back at some point.

[00:13:04] Manning's forehead says,

[00:13:06] Excuse me, judge, but I did not see the child actually come out of the uterus,

[00:13:09] so I expect a discount on my child support.

[00:13:12] Then says,

[00:13:13] I'm sure that will work well for him.

[00:13:16] Few Explanations says,

[00:13:17] I still think your husband needs some medical testing.

[00:13:19] Maybe has an undiagnosed brain tumour or something making him act crazy.

[00:13:25] So after seven months,

[00:13:27] OP comes in with another update and says,

[00:13:30] I promise an update once things were over.

[00:13:32] And at this point, they're mostly over.

[00:13:34] So here I am.

[00:13:35] My story can be seen in my post history,

[00:13:37] but the short of it is,

[00:13:38] is that my 31 non-binary ex-husband, 29 male,

[00:13:42] did not see my daughter's birth

[00:13:43] and decided that because he wasn't there,

[00:13:45] he couldn't bond.

[00:13:47] So he and I are divorcing and he's going to start over.

[00:13:50] Daughter turned one this month.

[00:13:52] She landed on Nod as her first word.

[00:13:56] I suspect this is because father-in-law brought home

[00:13:58] a foster to adopt dog a few months back

[00:14:00] whose previous owners called her Nod or Nodder.

[00:14:04] Daughter loves the heck out of this dog, you guys.

[00:14:06] Yes, father-in-law sends me pictures of her every day

[00:14:09] to show to daughter.

[00:14:10] Ex-husband and I are just waiting on some final paperwork

[00:14:13] for the divorce to be complete.

[00:14:15] He's not contested anything.

[00:14:17] He did look the judge in the face

[00:14:18] and repeat the whole didn't see birth, can't bond thing.

[00:14:22] His lawyer did try and defend that claim.

[00:14:24] He presented studies that claimed,

[00:14:26] said things about damages to bonds

[00:14:28] when fathers weren't present

[00:14:29] and actively involved for everything.

[00:14:31] But ex-husband was.

[00:14:33] He was there and active and involved my entire pregnancy.

[00:14:36] And was present for my entire labor

[00:14:38] until things went wrong.

[00:14:39] It wasn't a case of,

[00:14:41] ooh, hey, you knocked someone up five years ago.

[00:14:43] Now bond with this kid.

[00:14:45] Daughter was definitely less than an hour old

[00:14:47] when he held her for the first time.

[00:14:49] Probably less than half an hour.

[00:14:51] I had no proof for this claim too.

[00:14:54] Among other things,

[00:14:55] I had pictures of the two of us

[00:14:56] at multiple prenatal appointments.

[00:14:58] Father-in-law was also willing to file a statement

[00:15:01] talking about how ex and he were involved in my pregnancy.

[00:15:05] Needless to say,

[00:15:06] the judge was not impressed with my ex's lawyer's arguments.

[00:15:09] He tried to push my ex for therapy,

[00:15:11] make comments about how ex would regret this later.

[00:15:14] Ex stood stubborn with his,

[00:15:16] I need to start over line.

[00:15:18] Get visitation per the paperwork.

[00:15:20] Care to guess if he's used it?

[00:15:22] He does also have to pay child support.

[00:15:25] If you've read my post history,

[00:15:27] you might remember that

[00:15:28] he offered me a gigantic $50 a month.

[00:15:31] That's all he's been paying

[00:15:32] despite the judge ordering a lot more.

[00:15:34] So that's a fight I'm going to have to steal myself for.

[00:15:38] I'm surprised he started scanting out

[00:15:40] before the divorce was even final.

[00:15:42] But he did tell me and father-in-law

[00:15:44] that he's not a scumbag.

[00:15:45] So in his mind,

[00:15:46] he's probably just keeping true to his word or something.

[00:15:49] He's shown no interest in his daughter.

[00:15:52] No other children,

[00:15:53] pregnancies or potential partners have popped up either.

[00:15:56] As best as father-in-law can tell,

[00:15:58] ex is single and not showing any interest in dating yet.

[00:16:02] I don't know how I feel really.

[00:16:04] It would make more sense if he was cheating.

[00:16:07] It'd be easier to have something solid to point to,

[00:16:09] go fuck you in a tornado for making my life fall apart

[00:16:12] and then try to move on.

[00:16:13] But all lived evidence points to him honestly thinking

[00:16:17] he has to do this.

[00:16:19] I'm in therapy.

[00:16:20] I found a place about the middle of my parents and father-in-law

[00:16:23] and I'm still doing freelance work.

[00:16:25] I rate myself okay.

[00:16:27] Daughter is happy, healthy and kicking off.

[00:16:30] She will be fine.

[00:16:31] I plan to never speak to works again

[00:16:33] once the paperwork is done.

[00:16:34] I just have to wait to be able to totally start over myself.

[00:16:39] Garp says,

[00:16:40] I remember your post.

[00:16:41] I hope your husband pays child support.

[00:16:44] What happened to you is terrible and shocking

[00:16:46] but hopefully in 10 years you'll look back on this

[00:16:49] and think thank goodness that happened

[00:16:50] because you wouldn't have the full life you'd do without it.

[00:16:54] Liz says,

[00:16:54] eventually they just take it out of his paycheck

[00:16:56] whether he wants them to or not.

[00:16:58] All his tax returns will be hers too.

[00:17:02] CW8 says,

[00:17:03] This sucks.

[00:17:03] I'm sorry.

[00:17:04] But honestly,

[00:17:05] I think you are lucky.

[00:17:06] There is something bizarrely wrong with him

[00:17:08] and this is a better time than later to discover this.

[00:17:11] Difficult Effect says,

[00:17:12] Hmm.

[00:17:13] You know what?

[00:17:14] This sounds like a late onset mental illness incident.

[00:17:17] Like some form of disassociation or derealization.

[00:17:21] I'm so, so sorry.

[00:17:23] Brutal.

[00:17:24] But honestly,

[00:17:25] you're going to get through this

[00:17:26] and not have to spend the next 15 years

[00:17:28] trying to work on this with him.

[00:17:30] Now maybe it's in the Reddit of me

[00:17:31] but I was like so sure by the end of this

[00:17:34] it was going to come out that,

[00:17:35] you know,

[00:17:36] X hadn't a fair partner of some sort

[00:17:38] along the way, you know.

[00:17:41] There's still a chance he does

[00:17:42] and no one's discovered it as yet.

[00:17:44] And my mind just couldn't stop going back

[00:17:47] to some sort of mental illness

[00:17:48] like the last comment said as well.

[00:17:50] And that's not,

[00:17:51] I'm not making an excuse for it

[00:17:52] but it's just that the thought process is just wild.

[00:17:56] But then again,

[00:17:58] he might just be an asshole

[00:17:59] and that's all there is to it.

[00:18:02] It might have been like the people said

[00:18:04] at the very start of the story

[00:18:05] that was just an excuse to get out of the relationship

[00:18:08] and he's just doubling,

[00:18:09] tripling down on what he's saying.

[00:18:12] When he kept saying stuff like,

[00:18:14] I'm not a scumbag

[00:18:15] but leaving his wife and child

[00:18:18] and then offering as little as he can per month

[00:18:21] towards his parental responsibilities

[00:18:23] it's just fucking,

[00:18:24] yeah.

[00:18:25] However,

[00:18:26] I'm glad OP

[00:18:28] has got support around her

[00:18:30] in terms of family

[00:18:31] and father-in-law

[00:18:32] and she's just right

[00:18:34] to let the lawyers handle it

[00:18:35] and just not talk to him

[00:18:36] and any communication

[00:18:37] goes through the lawyers from now on.

[00:18:40] Don't let him play any further games basically

[00:18:42] but

[00:18:42] wow.

[00:18:44] What do you guys make

[00:18:45] of this situation?

[00:18:48] Absolutely wild.

[00:18:49] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:18:53] Many people have been telling me

[00:18:54] what they've been up to

[00:18:55] whilst listening just recently

[00:18:56] and I've been absolutely loving it.

[00:18:58] If you'd like to share

[00:18:59] what you're up to

[00:19:00] whilst you're listening

[00:19:01] over on Twitter

[00:19:02] at MarkNarrations

[00:19:04] you can share pictures

[00:19:05] or just let me know

[00:19:06] what you're up to whilst listening.

[00:19:07] As I said,

[00:19:08] I absolutely love it.

[00:19:09] Thank you so much

[00:19:10] for being here today

[00:19:11] getting involved in the story

[00:19:12] showing your love

[00:19:13] not just towards me

[00:19:14] but towards each other

[00:19:15] towards the people in the stories as well.

[00:19:17] It means the absolute world.

[00:19:19] Thank you so so much

[00:19:20] and hopefully

[00:19:20] I will see you

[00:19:21] in the next one.

[00:19:23] Take care

[00:19:23] and much love.