Husband Feels Betrayed After I Refused To Let Him In The Delivery Room r/Relationships

[00:00:01] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from illustriousbook613 and it says, Am I the arsehole for not letting my husband into the labor room and picking our child's name?

[00:00:30] This is a throwaway account because I'm so annoyed and need to vent. This will be a lot, so I'm sorry in advance. I, 28 female, have been together with my husband, 27 male for nearly 10 years. We got married at 21, had our first son a year after, followed by our daughter three years later. I built my whole life around my family. We got good jobs, he worked full time, I worked from home.

[00:00:58] We had a good home in a great neighborhood and we put our children in good schools. We also had a successful business on the side. I thought we did everything right. My best friends since we were middle school lived close. We had our daughters around the same time and we'd have playdates all the time. We leaned on each other a lot. I gave her all the support when she was going through issues with her daughter's deadbeat father and got her into contact with a good lawyer.

[00:01:25] I leaned on her when I was recovering from my traumatic second birth and the depression that followed. We leaned on each other for everything. 10 months ago, I found out I was pregnant for the third time. I was really uneasy about this because of my traumatic experience the second time. Also, my husband and I both agreed we were done after our two children. I considered abortion, but my husband insisted we keep it.

[00:01:51] I was still uneasy about the pregnancy and borderline miserable for the next six months. I was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum and was thrown up 20 times a day for six months straight. I lost a ton of weight, had to stop working and was sent to the hospital frequently due to severe dehydration. My husband stood by me and showered me with attention, for which I was so grateful.

[00:02:15] He cut down his hours at work to look after me, the house and the kids. My best friend would come to our home frequently to check on me also and help with the house. When I hit six months, the hyperemesis gravidarum decreased a lot and I was almost back to myself. One night after having a movie night with my family, my husband and I were getting ready to sleep. He fell asleep right away while I quickly checked on the kids before getting into bed.

[00:02:40] His phone was vibrating like crazy, so out of genuine curiosity, I unlocked his phone. We used to do this a lot when we were younger, so I didn't think too much of it. I was already sitting in bed. I saw messages from my friend. They were frantic spam messages. One of them said, Please come over, I need you. Another said, I know I shouldn't be messaging here, but I miss you. And come over when she's asleep.

[00:03:06] I think I was there in a daze for nearly five minutes. I cried a lot quietly and the fatigue kind of left me. I scoured his phone looking for more. I saw emails and DMs from them both, even using like kick to message and the pictures. But the worst part was finding out my husband left me one time in the hospital with my mother while he went back home. Where my kids were being babysat by my friend and got intimate in our bedroom with our kids in the house.

[00:03:35] I kicked him out the following morning after confronting him and filed for separation sometime after. For the next two months, he had been begging for forgiveness. Then complaining and insulting me that I'm not letting him see his kids or that I'm stopping him from going with me to doctor appointments. Which I had been. We had planned months earlier about who was going to be in the labor room. It was going to be my mother and my husband.

[00:03:59] He called me when I was 35 weeks questioning the labor situation. At this point, he'd moved in my ex's friend's house shortly before this call. I said no and he got very angry. Lots of my in-laws and family members told me to put our differences aside for our baby. I still said no. I gave birth to my son with my mother and sister present and didn't feel any regret about my choice.

[00:04:23] After my second traumatic birth, I just wanted to make sure that this one was as stable as possible. Which it was. We were going to name our child after his father who passed away. I went along with it to make him happy but changed my mind and picked a name I had always loved since childhood. This aggravated him even more. I'm the asshole. Because I'm being guilt tripped by many people right now. All I want is for everyone to leave me alone and for me to just be with my kids. Edits.

[00:04:53] I just wanted to add that I do let him see the kids. That'd be crazy if I didn't. My children love their dad. I just have certain boundaries now that we aren't together and he doesn't respect them. He gets angry and says things that are categorically not true. He got to meet our newborn son hours after I gave birth. Now when I see stories like this, you know, talking about pregnancy and the person giving birth, who they want in the delivery room with them,

[00:05:21] there's always one comment from someone who jumped out to me and it's like birth isn't a spectator sport. Like it's a serious medical procedure where stress can directly affect both mother and baby in that situation. And after OP said about their previous traumatic birth, you have every right to choose people who will actually support you in that situation because that's what it's about. Not someone who betrayed you when you were most vulnerable.

[00:05:47] And the fact that he's more angry about missing the birth and the name, and he is remorseful about potentially endangering your pregnancy with his, let's not forget this, stress inducing betrayal shows exactly where his priorities lie. During birth, the priorities are you and your baby safety. That's it. Time condition says not the asshole. This is a scenario where you should feel safe and comfortable. He was cheating and left you in the hospital, so you shouldn't listen to him.

[00:06:18] Shop Barracuda says and quotes, lots of my in-laws and family members told me to put our differences aside for our baby. And then says, you can tell every one of them. You put the safety of your baby and yourself ahead of someone else's wants. You made the right decision. They should be grateful that you had enough strength to put your lives in safety first. Not the asshole. This is not me says absolutely not the asshole. Your soon to be ex-husband and your ex-friends are both monumentally huge pieces of shit.

[00:06:48] Wow. I'm so sorry. Hope you find someone else to love and love you after this is all settled. Nylon Vest says not the asshole for both of these decisions. Yes, you should eventually figure out how to co-parent your children with this man who betrayed you. It's gonna suck, but it's important for their sakes. But one, having him in the room where you're giving birth has absolutely nothing to do with that. And anyone who suggests it is an asshole.

[00:07:15] And two, choosing a name differently has nothing to do with it either, frankly. And yeah, maybe you choosing a different name is going to forever remind your husband about this period in your lives. But not choosing a different name will have a similar effect on you. And also three, I don't see anything wrong with not being ready now. Just three months out while you're going through all this health stuff on top of dealing with this. And one final comment from Neat Penn who says not the asshole. Your baby didn't care who was in the delivery room.

[00:07:43] Those people were there for you. And why the hell would you want him there at a time when you're at your most vulnerable? He betrayed you already while you were vulnerable. It was smart to cut off that chance. You had an agreement to be married and monogamous. And he broke that. So it's fitting you broke the agreement to name the baby after his dad. You can tell him it hurts when people go back on their word, doesn't it? This is a time for you to prioritize yourself and your newborn baby. Your dickhead husband is not on the priority list.

[00:08:13] The people who try to chastise you and make you change your mind need to be asked. They have thought about what he has actually done to you. And how that is affecting you when you just had a baby under traumatic circumstances. They need to butt out. But if they have the urge to criticize someone, they need to turn to your husband and speak to him. So, around a year later, OP comes in with our update and says, So I'm back after nearly a whole year.

[00:08:40] I completely forgot about this post because I've been so wrapped up in other things. For anyone who doesn't want to read the whole post, here's a summary. My husband had been cheating on me with my best friend while I was pregnant. I was close to giving birth and decided not to have my husband in the labor room with me. I also chose a name for our baby that he didn't agree with. Like I said, it's basically been a whole year. My baby turned one today and after celebrating his birthday and Christmas with my kids,

[00:09:08] it finally hit me this is my new reality. First of all, my husband and I finally went through with the divorce proceedings. I had been holding it off during my pregnancy and early postpartum period to avoid added stress and to carefully plan for my children and myself. I was awarded primary physical custody of our children. Their dad visits once a week and the two older kids, seven and four, spend every other weekend with them.

[00:09:34] My youngest will start doing the same in a couple of months, which makes me nervous. He's especially clingy with me. All my kids are, but my youngest has really only known me as the most present parent. One of the main stipulations in our custody agreement is that my ex's affair partner is prohibited from seeing the kids. My poor kids have been confused enough by their parents' sudden split and I didn't want them even more confused by seeing their aunt, who was supposed to be mommy's best friend, with their dad.

[00:10:03] It was deemed emotionally detrimental in court. As for the baby name, he's been so bitter about it. I think he's still mad about it. His side has been trying to convince me to change the name to something we're both like, especially after the divorce was finalized. But it's been a year now and the baby quite literally answers by the name I gave him. So I'm not going to be changing it. He was also unhappy with the child support payments, among other payments, and has asked for some revisions.

[00:10:32] One main thing he asked to change was the cost of our kids' school tuition. He pays for their tuition, which he felt was too much and too harsh. But the court stuck with the original payments. As for my ex-husband and ex-best friend, they continued dating. I found out that they had started seeing each other a month into my third pregnancy. They had actually slept together during my second pregnancy, but didn't pursue a relationship then, because as they put it, they weren't ready to ruin things and didn't want to hurt anybody.

[00:11:02] My ex's side had been very supportive of their relationship, even inviting her to holiday gatherings like Thanksgiving or family holidays. Because of this, my kids don't go very often to these events. I don't know, after this whole fiasco I'm coming to the realization that perhaps my ex's side never really liked me all that much. But that's okay. I eventually spoke with my ex-best friend to ask why they did it.

[00:11:26] She claimed they were just friends but grew close while she was dealing with issues involving her deadbeat ex-boyfriend. Both of them insisted that my ex-husband just wanted to protect her, which supposedly turned into love. Hearing this hurt me a lot, but at the same time, I felt relieved to know the truth. When I sat with this information for a while, it stopped hurting. It made me realize that I didn't love my ex-husband and I could finally let go of him and their betrayal.

[00:11:57] They broke up a week ago. Apparently, it's just a break. Though, who knows? Although my kids go to their dad's house every other weekend, it has helped a lot with making time for myself. Obviously, I'm figuring out who I am without being a wife or mum all the time. In many ways, I find what happened to be a true blessing, which is why I'm no longer angry. As for me, I've been seeing someone. It hasn't been very long. We get along great. Initially, my ex-husband made the whole situation difficult.

[00:12:27] He didn't want me to have any man, specifically around the kids. Edit, I don't know how to do update posts, so apologies if it's wrong. No, it's absolutely spot on. Oh, that really pisses me off. That after everything this guy and the friend has put OP through, they're still trying to make life difficult with the payments and all this kind of thing after the fact. Still trying to get the name changed, getting the family involved at the same time.

[00:12:57] They seem to be a bunch of arseholes as well. I'm glad the courts did see through all this bullshit and protected the kids from having to deal with auntie affair partner. The fact that he's more upset about child support and baby names and about traumatizing his children tells you everything about his priorities as a father. And it sounds like OP is making progress with themselves. It sounds like it's taking some time and it probably is going to take some time more as well.

[00:13:23] But it sounds like they're starting to find themselves a bit more outside of just being a parent at the same time as well. And I really do wish you all the best, OP. But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys. What do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And let's move on to another story. Our next story comes from the am I the arsehole here subreddit from not made for defeat and says am I the arsehole here for being upset my wife is on Tinder.

[00:13:52] A few days ago, I woke up to an email with a receipt for Tinder gold under my wife's Apple ID. I asked my wife if I could see her phone just to confirm it was actually there. And when I saw it was, I asked why. Her best friend recently got out of a relationship and she said she'd signed up to help her make an account. When she started talking to people, she wound up in good conversations. She said she thought it could be a good way to make friends.

[00:14:19] I told her I was really uncomfortable with her being on there since it was primarily a dating and hookup app. She said she told people she was married and just looking for friends. She offered for me to look at a conversation, so I peeked at a couple and they were flirty but still relatively tame. I didn't see she mentioned anything about being married. She's upset that I don't trust her. But a couple of years ago, she went through a period where she was really close to cheating. Or she actually cheated and lied about it.

[00:14:49] I'll never know for sure. She swears she's a different person now and she'd never do anything to jeopardize our marriage. Ultimately, she said she refuses to apologize because she isn't doing anything wrong and that I just need to deal with my insecurities about it and trust her. Am I the arse off? Look, I've never been on Tinder but I've seen from like social platforms and people talking about it that it is primarily like, like OP said, a hookup app.

[00:15:17] I may be corrected, who knows? And with that in mind, I just feel like OP's being gaslit by like making you feel bad for having a completely normal reaction to finding your spouse on a dating app. And not just that. She's paying for it. There are plenty of apps out there where you can talk to people in friendships, getting groups and talk about your hobbies and interests, etc. And not Tinder gold. I thought I'd look at what Tinder gold is and it still makes no sense to me.

[00:15:47] Passport, rewind, unlimited likes, five super likes and a boost per month. I'm just like, I don't know what any of that means. But a commenter says the audacity to get Tinder gold, not just Tinder, but the paid version. White Fang says, thanks. I was wondering what implication of buying gold meant. I have no idea how Tinder works other than reputation. Another commenter says you should also know that it's insanely expensive. More than all my streaming servers and subscriptions combined.

[00:16:16] Except Adobe CC. But that's work. Oh, not Adobe. I got the same problem. You don't get gold to find friends. It's specifically made to get you hookups. I mean, perhaps finding friends is also easier, but nobody would pay 25 bucks per month to find friends. Only thirsty people buy that shit. Mr. Dogham says she didn't just download Tinder. She paid for it. Bumble literally has a friend's option, but she's still paying for a hookup app.

[00:16:44] Their doctor says, I was gonna say, Bumble BFF is literally free. So OP came into the post 17 months later and says, I posted a while ago and so many people weighed in on it. I wanted to give an update. Based on the title, it should have deemed clear I was not the asshole. But the gaslighting was so intense. I was starting to debate my own sanity. Long story short, I saw a charge on my account for Tinder Gold. My immediate thought was it was fraudulent.

[00:17:14] Then it occurred to me that my wife had been on her phone a lot lately and also been going out with friends more than usual. I asked to see her phone and there was Tinder. She tried to convince me that she was trying to make friends and she hadn't done anything wrong. She said she'd delete Tinder but asked if she could exchange numbers with a few people because she had made some great friends. I told her any alleged friends made on a dating hookup app were inappropriate. She exchanged numbers anyway.

[00:17:43] And not long after, she made a new account and was back on Tinder. I knew what I had to do. But I didn't know if I had the strength to do it. I posted my story here to get some advice and perspective and the support was overwhelming. Outside the less helpful comments telling me I was an idiot, most people were sympathetic. I want to thank each and every person who reached out in the comments, chats and messages. It provided a lot of much needed perspective and clarity. I consulted a lawyer and started on divorce proceedings.

[00:18:12] I woke up alone on Christmas morning but also the happiest I've been in years. Thank you Reddit. Thanos Rickshaw Driver says getting on Tinder and charging her own husband's car is wild. It gets better from here on. Sugar Kitty says not the arse of Latour. If she's out here on Tinder after you already talked about it, that's shady. You did what's best for you and honestly you sound much happier now. Proud of you for taking control. Meow Small says proud of you for choosing peace over chaos.

[00:18:41] Waking up alone but happy beats waking up with someone who disrespects you. You deserve better and it's out there. It annoys me when people call like the OPs in these stories idiots for what they're going through. Because, you know, this is a perfect example of how things like gaslighting can make the most obvious betrayals to us, me behind the microphone as I always say, seem just unclear.

[00:19:05] Your wife had you so twisted up that you were questioning whether you were wrong to be upset about finding your spouse on Tinder. And that's basically how effective gaslighting can be. It makes you doubt your own completely reasonable reactions and boundaries. You know, first it was just for a friend. She was trying to help a friend out. Then she was just making friends and then she needed to keep in contact with these friends that she made.

[00:19:31] And after all of this, she went behind your back and made another new Tinder account after promising to delete it. And then made you feel crazy for having an issue with any of this. And I think the fact that you woke up on Christmas feeling happier than you have in years says everything to me. Waking up alone on Christmas is far better than being someone who's making you question your own reality.

[00:19:56] And I'm proud of you for seeing through that chaotic fog, which I sometimes call it, and then choosing yourself. So good on you, OP. But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys. What do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And just a huge thank you for being here today. Getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so, so much for being here. Truly amazing.

[00:20:25] And I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love.