Final Update - My Husband Ask For An Open Marriage, It Backfired r/Relationships

[00:00:01] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories and if you do love a Reddit story why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too and let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:17] Now today's first story comes from a throwaway account from the trueoffmychest subreddit and it's a story that may have been covered in the past and in other places you may have heard of it as well but now today comes with a final update so as always timestamps are down in the description and along the timeline below. Thank you. It's titled, My Husband's Open Marriage Suggestion Backfired On Him.

[00:00:40] My Husband, Leo, 34 Male and I, 30 Female have been together for 7 years, married for 4 of them. We don't have any kids and we don't intend to. Two years ago Leo asked me for an open marriage. I was devastated at the time. I couldn't understand why he didn't just want me. I couldn't even comprehend the idea of sharing him either.

[00:01:03] He gave me the same song and dance a lot of men give their spouses. Swore up and down that he loved me. I just wasn't fulfilling his needs. He needed more than what I could give. It was just to spite up our life. It was just sex, etc, etc. I did ask if there was someone else and he said no. To this day, I'm not sure if I believed him but at the time I was angry and hurt and said no. He pestered me to change my mind for a week before giving me an ultimatum.

[00:01:33] Open marriage or divorce? I chose the open marriage. I just couldn't bear the thought of him leaving me at the time. We have rules. We can't bring any partners home. We have to get tested for STDs every 3 months. One weekend out of the month must be left free for us time. Any money we spend on or with our partners must come from our personal accounts.

[00:01:57] I didn't partake in the open marriage myself for the first 3 months. Leo obviously did right away. He seemed to be gone or out late almost all the time. But he always acted so happy and loving towards me while I felt like I was dying inside. It killed me to think he was sleeping with other women and I felt so lonely and unattractive and not good enough.

[00:02:19] I told my sister, Katie, 26 female, and a few close friends everything. Katie told me to just play his game and be a part of the open marriage too. If he can sleep around, so could I. I honestly didn't have much confidence in myself at the time. I'm a bit overweight and I've never considered myself conventionally pretty. I was afraid this would just humiliate me further.

[00:02:44] K and my best friend, Jesse, 30 female, set up my online dating profiles for me. I got so many matches that it was overwhelming. When I told Leo, he was surprised but told me to do whatever I thought was best. Jesse helped me choose my first date and I actually had a great time. He didn't pressure me for sex and took me out to drinks and dinner. We did have sex eventually but it was just all casual and we didn't see each other after a couple of months of casual dating.

[00:03:12] That first guy really made me feel confident in myself. So I kept going on dates with men. A lot of them wanted to treat me so I didn't have to spend much of my own money. Not only that, but some of the men have given me the best sex I've ever had in my life. Almost the kind of sex you read in romance novels. It's been amazing. I'm currently seeing two different men alongside Leo. One, Mark, 38 male, is more of a steady boyfriend I've been with for about six months.

[00:03:41] And the other one, Steven, 25 male, is very casual. Mostly just hanging out and sex. They know about my open marriage and other relationships and are fine with it. My husband has not been so lucky. In the beginning, he definitely was. He was always out and about and didn't seem to care when I started dating too. But now he just complains a lot and hasn't been going out much. He whines about how he's usually the one spending money.

[00:04:06] A lot of the women he tries to be with want an emotional connection before sex. He often wants to be with younger women, but they want younger men. He's also been upset that I go out with random guys. So often, he's at home alone all the time. He hasn't asked to close the marriage yet, but I feel he will soon. He keeps saying he misses us and wants us to spend more time together. He tried to initiate sex a lot more too. He wants to go on dates and go on vacations and all that stuff and more.

[00:04:36] And he gets upset when I tell him I can't because I've already scheduled to do stuff with my partners. Mostly Mark. I care about him, but I just don't love him. I'm not saying I love Mark or Stephen, but I honestly feel closer to Mark nowadays than I do Leo. Mark makes me feel comfortable and safe, and I love spending time with him more than my own husband. Stephen is funny and sweet and really good at sex.

[00:05:02] Katie and Jesse have been wanting me to divorce for a year now, but I was afraid of hurting him and thought I loved him. But I think my love for him died when he asked for this open marriage in the first place. Seeing him get all pissy about it now just because he's not benefiting from it is also a turn off for me too. But I don't know if divorce is the best option. I still care about him and I still don't want to hurt him. Maybe if he finally asked to close the marriage, we can talk about it then. So we're just going to cover the top two comments on this one. Bent Bent says,

[00:05:32] Divorce. You're happier without him. He would only want to close the marriage because he can't get laid. Not that he only loves you. Opie says, We've just been together for so long that the idea of him not being there feels weird. Which sounds stupid as I have two other partners, so it's not like I'll be lonely. But Leo was a part of my life for so long that for him to not be there just doesn't feel right. But you're probably right. Awesome Possum says,

[00:06:00] Seven years is not so long considering you'll possibly live for another 50 years. So Opie came in with a first update and said, Hi everyone. I got so many comments and messages on my last post, which got deleted for some reason, that I was a bit overwhelmed. Especially when a lot of you kept saying the same thing. Divorce, divorce, divorce. But the thing is, I think a part of me does still love my husband. I know in my last post that I didn't think I loved him anymore, but I just can't forget about the things that I do love.

[00:06:30] I love when he sings in the shower. I love when he laughs so hard he snorts. I love when he kisses my forehead when I've had a bad day. I love when he holds my hand when we watch TV together. Leo has done a lot of shitty things, but he really isn't the big asshole people think. Maybe that was my fault. But even if I do still love him, I'm not in love with him anymore. I don't think I have been for a while. I care about him. A part of me still does love him. But you all were right.

[00:06:58] I should have just divorced him when he gave me that ultimatum in the first place. This past Saturday, we had the big talk. I initiated it, but he didn't seem too surprised. I just told him that I noticed he didn't seem to like me going out with Mark or Stephen and asked if there was a problem. He said there was, but he didn't ask me to close the marriage. He just asked me if I still loved him. I said something like, not like I used to. He broke down crying, which made me cry.

[00:07:27] I guess he had known for a while that I wasn't in love anymore, but he had hoped he could win me back if he funneled all of his energy into me. I was honest and told him that during those first three months of our open marriage, I think my love for him died and I just couldn't get it back. I did tell him that I still cared about him and that I did love him, but it's not the same as it was. He asked if I loved Mark or Stephen and I said no. I like being with him and I care about him a lot, but I can't say I'm in love with either of them.

[00:07:55] I also finally asked him why he wanted to open the marriage in the first place. A lot of you in the comments said you already had someone lined up and you were right. He had someone at work he was interested in and she wanted him too. The open marriage was just to get permission. He honestly never expected me to also get my own partners because of how unconfident I was. But he didn't want to stop me either because he thought nothing would come of it.

[00:08:19] He didn't really like me seeing other men, but he knew it wouldn't have been fair to tell me no when I gave him permission first. I guess Mark and Stephen made him insecure because I was spending so much time with them on a regular basis. The open marriage was just sex on the side for him. He only did hookups and they never lasted long. He genuinely always just loved only me. But he thought I was falling in love with my partners and he was losing me and wanted to win me back. We cried a lot and talked a lot.

[00:08:48] We decided to get a divorce. Since the house is in his name, I'm going to move out and live with Katie for a while. He told me I didn't have to and I could stay until the divorce was finalized, but I just can't. It's too hard to even look at him sometimes. I don't know how I feel to be honest. I thought I would just be relieved or sad, but I'm just tired. I wish I could have been like you all wanted me to be. Clapping back or being sarcastic or snarky or rubbing it in his face. But I don't feel like I've won anything.

[00:09:18] I just feel lost. In the comments on that update, Princess Bella says, Unfortunately, this is what happens when opening the marriage is not mutual. But you two are handling it as adults and I hope that both of you find the happiness that you deserve. Just not with each other. It is a situation where no one wins. Thanks for the update. Succubus Succudrive. Ah, these names. Says this is an old tale and people keep falling for that. I was like, look at all these stories on Reddit.

[00:09:48] They all have the same ending. But people always trade 80% for 20% that they don't have. From Mars says, can confirm. The 80% I get out of my relationship is great. The 20% I want that I don't get certainly has an effect on me and how I conduct myself in the relationship. That being said, I wouldn't throw away the 80% to get the 20% from somewhere else as it would be a net loss at the end of the day. OP came in with another update saying, I wish it was easy to hate my husband.

[00:10:18] Our marriage is over. We both talked about reconciling, but I just can't do it. I can't love him like I used to. I've officially moved out and I'm currently living with my sister. I wish I could hate him for everything, but I don't. I'm angry and sad and frustrated and devastated, but I don't hate him. I think everyone wants him to be the villain, but he's not clever enough for that. My husband was always short-sighted. He never really thought about long-term of things.

[00:10:46] His focus was always the then and now, not whatever came later, because that was for later him to worry about. Now we're at the later and it's awful. I wish I could blame him for everything, but he didn't slowly ruin or chip away at my self-esteem. He didn't break me down and make me hate myself. He didn't flaunt his success in my face. He didn't make me feel inferior. I came to him that way. He took advantage, but he was never hateful.

[00:11:14] Maybe I should have let him know during the open marriage how unhappy I was. I tried to hide it from him. He would even ask me and I still lied. If I'd been honest, maybe we could have closed the marriage. Maybe we could have just gotten divorced at the beginning. Maybe I should have negotiated better rules. I have so many maybes and so much blame for myself. If I'd been more confident back then, maybe this open marriage would never have happened, but I blame him too. I hate that he let that woman come between us.

[00:11:43] I hate that he even entertained her flirtations and had discussions with us. I hate that he thought this was a solution and that I agreed because I couldn't bear the thought of losing him. But I don't hate him. I want to, but I can't. I know it'll get easier. Everything is so hard now. I don't know what to do and I feel like I'm crazy. I hope I can feel like myself again soon. Commuter says to OP on the back of that one,

[00:12:10] Honey, he took your marriage hostage in order to get his dick wet whenever he wanted. Fully believing that you would sit at home as a quiet little house frow and not be unhappy about what he was doing. He was selfish on a galactic scale and he was the one at fault for this. A partner who actually cared about coming to terms with things would not have held a gun to your marriage's head and said, Either other woman suck my dick or the marriage gets it. There's no fix in that kind of selfish and there's no way a marriage can survive it.

[00:12:38] He prioritized his cock and when he realized that was a bad call, it was already way too late. Don't blame yourself for any of this because all you did was what he asked for. Two months after that one, OP comes in with an update and said, Hey, it's been a while. It feels like both a lot and nothing has happened. I still have a lot of feelings, but I'm also just really tired. Leo and I are still in the middle of our divorce. It's been as amicable as a divorce can be. Since we mutually agreed to it and had a prenup,

[00:13:08] it's been pretty easy splitting everything else 50-50. My lawyer says I should be divorced by the end of the year. Leo is insistent on giving me alimony, but I'm not really interested. Thanks to a lot of people making me think about Leo's explanation for the open marriage. I did approach him about it again and asked him to be 100% honest with me about that girl from work. He admitted there was more to it than he admitted. This is what he explained to me and I've decided to believe him.

[00:13:36] Even if he's lying, it doesn't really matter anymore since we're getting divorced. I also just have little energy to care about the details at this point. According to him, this is the timeline. He was posting on Reddit about his kinks for advice and such, which I didn't know about beforehand. He was getting messages from this one user and they just kept talking back and forth. He mentions my name to the user in a conversation, which he let me read. During his lunch break, his co-worker, I call her Mary,

[00:14:03] approaches him and asks if he uses Reddit and asks about his handle. He confirms that Mary tells her he's the user he's been talking to. They start talking more and more in real life as friends and eventually started talking through Instagram. He also showed me these conversations. The conversations were mostly just memes and jokes like occasional flirts and mentioning of kinks. At one point she says it's too bad he's not single. This is when he decided to demand the open marriage because Mary was clearly into him

[00:14:33] and into the same kinks and she could sexually satisfy him since I was unable to. That's how he basically said it anyway. Truth be told, we did have some bad difficulties before the open marriage was brought up. I'm very vanilla and he discovered his kinks after we were married. I tried them all for him but I just couldn't get into it and he didn't like seeing me struggle. So he didn't try to bring them into the bedroom again after it was obvious I didn't like it. So we did have sexual compatibility issues.

[00:15:01] Maybe we were doomed to fail even without the open marriage ultimatum. Our families outside of my sister were shocked when we told everyone we were getting a divorce. They always thought we were so happy and in love. My mum blames me which I expected but it still hurts. They don't know about the open marriage and Leo and I plan to keep it that way. I think it's a shame to tell them. I am too if I'm being honest. I really thought Leo was the love of my life. He was my first for almost everything.

[00:15:29] I said we were together for 7 years but we were friends since college. I've known him for nearly 12 years and we're about to become strangers soon. I still mourn my marriage even though Katie and Jesse keep telling me this is for the best. They're both definitely thrilled. They don't hide it but they also know this has been a weird time for me. I just don't know how to feel. I thought I would feel free or relieved or heartbroken or something. But I just feel weird. Like I lost a part of myself and I don't know how to get it back.

[00:16:00] I'm still living with Katie but I'll be moving out soon. I found a one bedroom apartment that's near Jesse. So why won't be completely alone? Mark offered to let me move in with him but I declined. Honestly we're kind of on standby. He knows I'm having a hard time processing my feelings about my husband and the end of my marriage. I think he wants us to be official but I don't know. I really do like Mark and I don't want to lose him but I feel I need to figure myself out first. As for Steven, we ended our relationship at the beginning of August.

[00:16:30] He got a job offer in another state and took it. Even though it was casual, I did cry a little. Steven is a great guy. Whenever he does decide to settle down into something serious, the woman who gets in will be a lucky one. We've been texting here and there but it's mostly just sending each other TikToks and polite hope you're doing well messages. Some people asked me if I wanted to go back to monogamy. Even after experimenting and clearly getting into this poly relationship I had going on. And the answer is yes, I do.

[00:16:59] Even though Mark and Steven were great and I met plenty of great guys during my open marriage. I don't know if I've really been happy with myself or my choices. I think I felt guilty a lot too. Like I was somehow cheating on Leo, Mark and Steven even though it was all consensual. Polyamory and open relationships may work for some people. But it's really just not for me. Jesse says I need to get a therapist. I've tried looking but finding a therapist that's both available and seems like a good fit is a pain.

[00:17:27] Hopefully I can find one by the time the divorce is settled. I also want to figure out what to do about Mark on my own. I don't want to lead him on and give him false hope. Maybe we should take a break or maybe I should tell him to just break up with me. He should find his own happiness without worrying about me. The silent observer said to OP, living on your own and just doing you for a while sounds like a really healthy step. Good luck OP. Another commenter says I still mourn my marriage.

[00:17:55] The next commenter quoted OP about mourning their marriage and said, You're numb. It happens when you lose your partner and you're grieving and under a great deal of stress. I think Reddit as a whole takes divorce really blithely. But I read once that divorce is one of the most stressful life events, right after death of a loved one. And I'm slightly curious. You say your family is shocked that you're divorcing because you seem so in love. But the fact that your friends are delighted you're leaving your husband tells me

[00:18:24] they've witnessed some not so great relationship dynamics. OP says, So OP's final update comes five months later. And it says, Hey everyone. Hope you all had happy holidays and a good new year. This post is just sort of a rambling update. It was honestly thanks to you internet strangers on top of Katie and Jesse and my therapist that

[00:18:53] I'm doing much better than I had been last year. So I felt I owed you all a life update. Firstly, It's official. Leo and I are divorced. It was finalized earlier this week. To be honest, when I realized it was finally over, I cried. But it wasn't a sad mourning cry like I had been doing when I first posted to Reddit. It was mainly out of relief. Relief that it was over and relief that I could actually put everything all behind me.

[00:19:20] Some of you will be happy to know that I did take the alimony Leo offered. It's honestly not too much, but it helped me maintain some extra expenses. To be honest, I think he mainly offered to appease his guilt after everything that happened. Whatever his reasons are, they're not my concern anymore. I do have a therapist now. She's wonderful and is helping me work through a lot of untangled childhood trauma that ended up having an effect on my marriage. Honestly, if it wasn't for my mom, I don't think I would ever agree to open the marriage in the first place.

[00:20:19] He's always going to be the husband. The husband has been in the first place, or promising to be the husband I deserve. My therapist said I needed to be firm with my boundaries and sometimes the best way to be firm is to draw a hard line. So I asked him not to contact me for a few months while I sorted myself out. So far, he's complied for the most part. He still follows me on Instagram and we're still Facebook friends, but he never comments on any of my posts or messages me on my stories. Sometimes he'll like something, but that's the extent of our contact,

[00:20:49] which I can handle. I've also made sure to keep myself from checking up on him, for the advice of my therapist, because I don't want to obsess over him and the what-ifs. Even after everything, I don't hate him. I thought I needed to because everyone else seemed to for what he did. My therapist explained that it's easier to hate someone you don't know than someone you do, because I have so many wonderful and cherished memories that I can't fully separate from the painful memories he left with me. So I don't hate him.

[00:21:18] I don't even think him to be a bad person. He's selfish and self-centered and he hurt me a lot. But he can also be funny, sweet and attentive. And that's why I fell in love with him in the first place. I'm still seeing Mark. I tried telling him we should break up because of my weird headspace and I thought he deserved better. But he said he loved me and wanted to wait for me and promised to go at my pace for however long I needed. I want to believe him when he says that and I love being with him,

[00:21:47] so I'm cautiously optimistic about it all working out. We still don't live together and I kind of like it that way for now. I'm learning to become my own person again. Leo had been in my life for so long that I forgot what it was like to just be me and not me and Leo. I even got a dog, which I always wanted but never got one because Leo was allergic. His name is Iroh and thanks to him, I don't feel lonely. This will probably be my last update.

[00:22:15] I really just wanted to say thank you for all your kind words and support on all my posts. It really meant a lot to me. So thank you and have a great new year. And the top two comments on that one says, congratulations and condolences seem oddly appropriate. You're embarking on a new phase in your life. It sounds like you're unpacking a lot and doing great at it. Wishing you a wonderful future and peace. Atchaloffer says,

[00:22:40] hey, check out the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Edit Parents. It's a total game changer while dealing with childhood trauma and crazy ass parents. And I think after all that, all you can really say is fair play to OP. You know, he broke that marriage up. He decided that he already had someone in mind and was relying on OP not finding someone for herself because he knew she lacked confidence, which was just, that was really scummy in my opinion.

[00:23:10] But now with everything that's happened, OP's found her own identity and the way that she seems to be handling everything with therapy, setting her own healthy boundaries with her ex and her mom and getting her own place, adopting a dog. No pet tax though. If you ever do manage to see this OP, our slash mark narrations, we'd love that pet tax over there. And just allowing herself to discover herself just shows amazing emotional maturity. And with that,

[00:23:39] I'm just going to wish you all the best for the future with yourself and Iroh. If I did pronounce that correctly, I did Google it. Apparently it's some sort of general from Avatar or something. Whether that's where OP got it from or not, I don't know. But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys. What do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And just a huge thank you for being here. And I will see you in the next one. Take care and much love.