Fiancee's Bridesmaid Said I Wanted One Of Her Friends, I Want Her Out Of Our Wedding r/Relationships

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[00:00:52] Now today's first story comes from Lama Thrustalty who says, from the Am I the Arsoul subreddit

[00:00:57] who says, would I be the arsoul asking my fiancee to remove someone as a bridesmaid because

[00:01:03] of something she said while inebriated.

[00:01:07] I'm lucky enough to be engaged to the woman of my dreams.

[00:01:11] She's perfect in every way and the wedding is currently scheduled for next June.

[00:01:16] Right now along with my fiancee I have a very close friend living with us.

[00:01:20] She was my roommate in college and basically family.

[00:01:24] Five months ago she found out she was pregnant when she was told her entire life it was impossible

[00:01:28] for her to have kids.

[00:01:30] She was ecstatic but her boyfriend, in case it comes up, who is also a roommate and basically

[00:01:35] family, wasn't and begged her to have an abortion.

[00:01:39] Basically she thought she'd never have another chance but they were obviously not

[00:01:43] in any position to raise a kid at the moment.

[00:01:46] Her relationship got very strained and she ended up having a miscarriage.

[00:01:51] One week after she found out her boyfriend was having an emotional affair with a co-worker.

[00:01:55] They broke up and she ended up also getting into a massive fight with her family.

[00:02:00] Obviously I moved her into my place ASAP while she was definitely struggling for a

[00:02:05] while.

[00:02:06] I'm glad to say she seems to be slowly healing.

[00:02:09] A few nights ago my fiancee had some of her friends over, all of which are bridesmaids.

[00:02:16] My friend joined them and all of them ended up getting pretty drunk.

[00:02:20] My fiancee falls asleep pretty fast when she's drunk so I carried her up to our room and

[00:02:25] tucked her in so I could take care of everyone else.

[00:02:28] My friend at that point started drinking really heavily and looked kind of sick so I walked

[00:02:33] her up to the bathroom and held her hair for about 20 minutes while she puked.

[00:02:37] When I figured she had enough out of her system, I left her to go and check on

[00:02:40] the other girls and get them home.

[00:02:43] I was walking down the steps and heard one of her friends make a comment about me

[00:02:46] helping my friend up because I wanted to get in her pants.

[00:02:50] The other girls around her immediately told her off.

[00:02:53] They're all aware of my friend's situation by the way.

[00:02:55] I just stood obstructed on the stairway trembling in anger.

[00:03:00] I managed to calm down temporarily, come down and send them all home in Ubers.

[00:03:04] I'd offered to drive them before but in all honesty I felt so angry I did not

[00:03:08] want to be in that position.

[00:03:09] Three days later and I'm still angry.

[00:03:11] I genuinely don't ever want to be in the same room as this woman ever again

[00:03:16] let alone have her eight feet away as I say my vows.

[00:03:19] I haven't told my fiancee any of this yet but I was planning to do so tomorrow

[00:03:23] as well as request her friend at least be removed from having a role if not

[00:03:28] flat out be uninvited to the wedding.

[00:03:30] So would I be the arsehole for asking to remove her for something she said

[00:03:34] when she was drunk?

[00:03:35] Edits, quite a few comments on this now so I want to address a few points.

[00:03:39] First, my fiancee and her friends do not have problems with alcohol.

[00:03:44] My girl is a lightweight and none of her friends were blackout drunk or anything

[00:03:47] that far.

[00:03:48] Any person who puked was my friend.

[00:03:50] Passing out because you drunk too much and fallen asleep after a couple of drinks

[00:03:54] are two entirely different things.

[00:03:56] Okay, I really got a spell out here because this is getting fucking ridiculous.

[00:04:00] Every girl not living in my house have three to four drinks at night.

[00:04:04] Enough that none of them were getting behind the wheel but not enough

[00:04:07] that they were all massively hammered and completely out of control.

[00:04:11] My fiancee had maybe three drinks and fell asleep 30 minutes after.

[00:04:15] Not passed out, not blacked out, just fell asleep.

[00:04:18] My friend was the only one who drank heavily.

[00:04:21] Easily the equivalent of six, maybe a couple more at most.

[00:04:25] At absolutely no point have I ever indicated I was going to take action or demand.

[00:04:30] My particular wording was request above not demand before talking to my

[00:04:34] fiancee about the whole story and the issue.

[00:04:37] I now intend to talk to the bridesmaid as well before I request anything.

[00:04:41] Understand I'm being a little overly sensitive.

[00:04:44] The reality is the whole situation has been harsh and shitty for everyone involved.

[00:04:49] In particular, I know I've been very defensive of my friend given a current

[00:04:53] situation with her family.

[00:04:54] It's entirely possible some of this anger towards bridesmaid was

[00:04:58] redirected from things my friend's sister had said and done to her in recent history.

[00:05:03] All of this being said there is absolutely positively nothing more

[00:05:06] between me and my friend besides a deeply platonic relationship.

[00:05:10] I do not have romantic or sexual feelings to my friend at all.

[00:05:14] Nor am I insecure about society telling me I can't have women friends without

[00:05:18] wanting to sleep with them.

[00:05:20] I'm just worried about my friend who's still in a pretty bad place.

[00:05:24] I feel very insulted someone would insinuate I'd be taking advantage

[00:05:28] during such a state.

[00:05:29] She has not been living with us for five months.

[00:05:32] She found out she was pregnant five months ago.

[00:05:34] A miscarriage happened approximately two months ago and she moved into my place

[00:05:38] about two weeks after that.

[00:05:40] Sirigirl asked some info they said info would you consider talking to this friend

[00:05:44] about how her comments made you feel and see how things go from there.

[00:05:48] How is or has the relationship between you two usually friendly or strained?

[00:05:54] Is this possibly a poor attempt at a drunken joke?

[00:05:57] I'm not saying what she said is right.

[00:05:58] Just trying to look at it from all angles here removing a bridesmaid or

[00:06:02] uninviting someone is a pretty big step.

[00:06:04] Just want to make sure this is something you really want to do.

[00:06:08] I hope you're responding honestly.

[00:06:10] I've thought about it but I definitely would need to wait a little longer as

[00:06:13] I'm still seeing red.

[00:06:14] Relationship has been fine before.

[00:06:17] I'm not especially close to her as I am with some of my fiancé's other friends

[00:06:20] like her maid of honor but we've never been on bad terms.

[00:06:24] I'd say friendly.

[00:06:25] It was worded as a joke but her tone was accusatory.

[00:06:29] Maybe I won't rush into banning her until I at least talk to her.

[00:06:33] Heres Gale says I don't know if my fiancé said he wanted to ban a close friend from

[00:06:36] attending the wedding over a drunken comment like this.

[00:06:40] It would set off alarm bells immediately.

[00:06:42] It comes off as really defensive regarding you and your friend's relationship.

[00:06:46] I think if you talked your fiancé about how that comment hurt you it would be fine

[00:06:50] because those feelings are totally valid but to go so far and say you want the friend

[00:06:54] removed is extreme in my opinion.

[00:06:57] You would be the arsehole.

[00:06:59] Fuzzy Pinn says no one's an arsehole here.

[00:07:02] Sounds like she made a dumb little joke at a really bad time.

[00:07:05] How did she react when people started telling her off?

[00:07:08] Was she being as serious as you think she was?

[00:07:10] Was she actually accusing you of something or were emotions just high and she said something

[00:07:14] she shouldn't have in a bad moment?

[00:07:17] I understand being angry but demanding your wife essentially remove her as a friend

[00:07:21] over something that could have been just a shitty out of place comment

[00:07:24] that wasn't meant to be taken this seriously could be a bit much.

[00:07:27] We don't know how she said it or what she did after so that's up to you

[00:07:31] but I don't know I think you could be overreacting a bit.

[00:07:35] And one more comment from Dragonchild who says you're the arsehole this is a major

[00:07:39] overreaction to a thoughtless likely drunken comment.

[00:07:43] The appropriate response is to sit down like adults and talk about it

[00:07:46] and make a decision based on how she reacts then.

[00:07:49] If she doubles down or loses it then you remove her.

[00:07:52] If she can apologize and use her words like a grown-up water under the bridge.

[00:07:57] Her intense reaction seems to be disproportionate so maybe that the

[00:08:01] dark struck closer to home than you'd like.

[00:08:03] I'm not saying you do want to get in their pants but maybe you feel a bit guilty about

[00:08:08] your closeness because society tells you you can't have a girlfriend without it being sexual.

[00:08:12] And although the post was voted you're the arsehole in the situation there was a mix of

[00:08:17] comments loads of no one's an arsehole here loads of not the arseholes here it was

[00:08:22] a real mix but OP did come in with an update and says so after I posted last time it became

[00:08:27] pretty clear that regardless of if I was overreacting or not I had to talk to my fiance immediately.

[00:08:33] So I went to talk to my fiance about what I heard and it turns out

[00:08:36] she knew about what was said literally the morning after.

[00:08:39] A whole friend group pulled up the bridesmaid who really just intended to make a crash joke

[00:08:44] and was actually unaware of most of my friends predicament.

[00:08:47] Everyone knew I heard it so she only ended up apologizing to my fiance.

[00:08:52] Telling her she legitimately didn't mean offense nor thought in any way I was cheating on her.

[00:08:57] I told my fiance everything showed her the post told her how it felt to be accused like that

[00:09:02] the long story short she got the friend to come over ASAP.

[00:09:07] There are a ton of apologies going around I admit I overreacted to a comment

[00:09:11] and took it to mean the absolute worst way possible didn't make the comment in any way

[00:09:16] not horrible and she did apologize profusely for how it came across by the end of it

[00:09:20] we were all good. I thought that would be it but bridesmaid in the rest of the group

[00:09:25] actually went significant steps forward. My friend will hang out with people who come over

[00:09:29] but in all honesty she doesn't leave the house not that I blame her.

[00:09:33] Bridesmaid has taken charge along with the rest of the group and they've all made surprise

[00:09:37] plans for them and my friend to do things my fiance thinks everyone especially my friend

[00:09:42] will enjoy. In all honesty I felt very slighted the past half week.

[00:09:47] I wasn't sure how this situation would be resolved in a way that I'd be able to forgive

[00:09:51] this person for what they've said but taking her own time and money to make someone I care about

[00:09:56] who's suffering feel better is so much better than anything I could have imagined.

[00:10:01] Also she brought cookies and being angry and holding on to anger makes you really hungry

[00:10:05] so yeah we're incredibly square thank you to those who legitimately criticised me

[00:10:11] hit it just realized I technically never said it. Bridesmaid is still bridesmaid.

[00:10:15] Hit it too Bridesmaid even did something super sweet for my puppy.

[00:10:19] My dummy son was extremely upset I ate all the chocolate chip cookies without offering him a

[00:10:23] bite because I like him alive and our two played her so bad she dropped off a Papa Gino for him

[00:10:29] this morning but now I'm going to turn this one to you guys what do you guys make of this

[00:10:34] situation let me know your thoughts down in the comments below let's move on to another story

[00:10:41] Have a catch yourself eating the same flavorless dinner three days in a row dreaming of something

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[00:11:38] Story which comes from worried strength 7894 from the relationship advice subreddit and says

[00:11:45] my boyfriend's family lost their home in a fire and are asking me to put my name on the

[00:11:50] mortgage line so they can buy a new house I'd love to be helpful but is that too much to ask

[00:11:56] I've been dating my boyfriend for almost four years living together for about two

[00:12:01] I'll cut to the chase his family mom dad and sister suffered a house fire in January

[00:12:07] and they stayed with us in our one bedroom apartment for a couple of weeks until their

[00:12:11] insurance got them a hotel now they're in the hotel his family had 10 cats and nine of those

[00:12:17] cats are in the apartment with us currently but it's me him and nine cats right now they

[00:12:23] paid for the food and litter but I've bought them a cat tower and some toys they basically

[00:12:28] destroyed my couch I figured they would it was a cheap couch this past sunday two days ago

[00:12:34] they went to a real tour to talk about buying a house where they lived was a place they rented

[00:12:38] for a decade and the landlord was pissed about the fire so they don't want to go back there

[00:12:43] even when the house is fixed my boyfriend was supposed to be the one on the loan

[00:12:48] because his parents aren't citizens and would have to pay out the arse on a down payment

[00:12:52] but since he has a social security number he can get a regular rate

[00:12:56] the problem is he doesn't make enough on his own if I went in on him for the loan

[00:13:02] our combined income would be enough to qualify if I go in on the loan we could stay with his family

[00:13:07] in the house and stay for our own home later would have more space which would be great

[00:13:12] because I'm trying to start a business and I wouldn't be living in the one bedroom with

[00:13:16] nine cats but it's also a 30 year mortgage loan it's told me that whatever I decide to do

[00:13:23] won't affect our relationship but I'm afraid this will for me if I don't decide to go on the loan

[00:13:29] his parents said they get a trailer and take the cats but his sister 19 would still probably

[00:13:33] ended up living with us because her job is close to us and she doesn't drive

[00:13:38] I feel like I'm losing it I feel like no matter what I do I'm losing something

[00:13:43] I'm so conflicted I've asked the advice of my mom and some friends and they think they're

[00:13:48] asking too much but if I don't go in on the house I'm still in this apartment that costs too much and

[00:13:53] adding an extra person to our space so I'm asking should I just let them put my name on the mortgage

[00:13:59] loan or should I accept his sister will be living with us I hate to add any more elements of stress

[00:14:04] to their lives because they've already been through so much and now it's leaking into my life a lot

[00:14:11] Opie adds an edit that says this house would be in my name on the deed and cats are not

[00:14:16] destroying my apartment as so many people are assuming just the couch obviously care about these people

[00:14:22] which is why I would even consider it so please stop creating a story in your head where I'm some

[00:14:26] sucker wanting to be scammed another edit which says so this got a lot of attention fast

[00:14:34] I'd like to clear up that they aren't pressuring me but it's obviously a tense situation for

[00:14:38] them because you know it's their housing on the line I just kind of at the mercy of the insurance

[00:14:43] paying for the hotel is a desperate situation and a desperate ask I will talk to my boyfriend today

[00:14:49] about different options I spoke to my mom who is a homeowner and she advised against this

[00:14:54] but seeing all your reasons as well like not being able to get a second mortgage because of

[00:14:59] this one is the nail in the coffin I suggest his sister stayed with us as long as she

[00:15:04] is looking for another place of her own I encourage her to maybe look to roommate with a good friend

[00:15:08] of hers maybe I knew this would be a risky move but seeing how much it really takes from me just

[00:15:14] know I'll update later I have peace of mind that I will not be taking out a mortgage for his family

[00:15:21] and I think Opie's already got their answer and I imagine what a lot of the comments are going

[00:15:26] to be saying is absolutely that would be a terrible idea putting your name on somewhere else's

[00:15:32] loan especially something as big as a mortgage that's going to take years and years to pay off

[00:15:37] and like you said you wouldn't be able to get another one in the meantime just puts a complete

[00:15:41] halt on your life I'm sorry they're going through this but in the end that's not your

[00:15:46] issues they can still rent another place nothing stopping them from doing that and I've got to

[00:15:51] be completely honest someone even asking that is a bit of a red flag for me at the same time

[00:15:57] but bearing sea says this is a terrible idea do not do it they were renting before they can

[00:16:03] find another place to rent do not make this your problem comment a reply saying I wholly agree on

[00:16:09] it being a terrible idea and that Opie shouldn't do it either it's not co-signing the mortgage

[00:16:14] not letting the system move in however it might be very hard for the family to find another

[00:16:18] place to rent the line about the former landlord being angry about the fire suggests that

[00:16:23] they might have caused it and either way they're not getting a good reference there that's a rare

[00:16:28] rental that allows nine cats many local ordinances in the US forbid having that many actually so it

[00:16:34] might not even be legal and I didn't even touch on the the cat situation and the sister move in

[00:16:40] as well the sister are being there I'm afraid as well because it just I've seen too many stories

[00:16:45] about where they move in they never move out and nine cats at the same time holy moly no I

[00:16:50] like cats but nine cats is just way too many for me anyway just waiting for some of the comments

[00:16:55] they go no I got 20 cats who says do not do it I'm sorry for your boyfriend's family but don't

[00:17:03] do it this can easily get you trapped if you consider it meet with a lawyer and get a contract

[00:17:08] that is for your benefit and doesn't leave you with a cost for all of this what if you do

[00:17:13] it and your boyfriend leaves anyway anyway that sounds very fishy to me if you were my client

[00:17:18] I would tell you as an accountant to stay away from this you are just the girlfriend and you're in a

[00:17:23] position easily to abuse and use so on the back of that op comes in with an update and says so I

[00:17:30] was not expecting 1,300 people to find so many different ways to say no lol I'll be honest

[00:17:37] I was not inclined to sign anything not because I didn't think his family would follow through

[00:17:41] or anything I just knew I didn't know enough to make this decision oh monorship is a distant

[00:17:47] thought right now at the wee age of 25 I came here hoping to see if this is something people

[00:17:52] actually do and what it would mean for me and my boyfriend if we did the obvious risk was

[00:17:57] what if we break up I knew there was more than that and you made that all clear first things

[00:18:02] first no mortgage I made that post yesterday morning enough to reading through the comments

[00:18:07] that actually gave insight into something like this I realized yeah there is no way we can

[00:18:12] do this I wish it was a viable option to solve their current problem but it just isn't fortunately by

[00:18:18] the time I got home after work and talked to my boyfriend about it he also had realized this was

[00:18:23] not a good idea glad I had the foresight to make us wait before giving his family an answer

[00:18:28] it just stunted too much of our own opportunities for the future so we're both on the same page

[00:18:33] about it thank god someone mentioned that you can learn a lot about someone by how they

[00:18:39] handle the word no I can say that I didn't really learn anything but just confirm suspicions I already

[00:18:45] had his mom was very understanding and I don't think she even understood what she was asking when it came

[00:18:50] up after my boyfriend explained it to her she told his dad who is not his bio dad or even his step dad

[00:18:57] just his mom's longtime boyfriend this matters for the next part his dad did not take it very well

[00:19:04] before any of this my boyfriend's parents told him it would help him get his credit up who

[00:19:08] could take on the loan for the house that helped pay off his credit card and obviously front the

[00:19:13] money for the down payment and then they said if we didn't help with the house let's still do that

[00:19:18] since he's helped so much already coordinated with a red cross to get them assistance after the fire

[00:19:23] help wrangle the cats house the cats and his family went with them to the real tour

[00:19:29] as I suspected though once we made it clear it was not happening with the mortgage and

[00:19:33] that would damage our future chances at a home for ourselves his dad wasn't happy

[00:19:38] when his mom asked if they were still paying my boyfriend's credit card his dad said no

[00:19:42] he didn't help us so we won't help him is now he puts it apparently yeah like I said

[00:19:49] my boyfriend's family is dysfunctional I can't say I've ever had the most respect for his dad

[00:19:54] but he's been there for most of my boyfriend's life I have lots of thoughts of how this should

[00:19:59] go but ultimately we're just going to try problem solving in different ways definitely no rushing

[00:20:05] into quick fixes maybe be less ready to help so his dad can see what that's actually like

[00:20:11] also a note to all of you as a collective I understand the world is full of cruel people

[00:20:17] but I think a lot of you miss the context of the situation when you cast judgment on

[00:20:20] his family's intentions this is a family who's been displaced in a house fire they're

[00:20:26] immigrants who aren't completely and perfectly savvy to all of the logistics of buying a home

[00:20:31] the reality for a lot of immigrants is that they do rush into terrible solutions because

[00:20:35] they didn't always think they have another option they know they have less resources because

[00:20:40] they lack citizen status it's not uncommon for children to help their parents in extreme ways

[00:20:45] that doesn't just apply to immigrants there are people all over the world taking extreme

[00:20:49] risks to try and better their situation but since they live so long needing to think

[00:20:54] on their feet they didn't always feel like they can afford to look for other options

[00:20:58] all that to say practice a bit more compassion I understand this was too much of a risk for myself

[00:21:04] but that's not going to stop me from helping them where I can so on the back of that one

[00:21:09] the user called PM me or Chew out as says as a child of immigrants I get some of the

[00:21:14] concerns however my parents bought and sold houses several times before they became citizens

[00:21:19] including new bills it's not impossible for immigrants if they have legal status here

[00:21:24] more difficult yes but non-citizen immigrants buy homes in the US all the time

[00:21:29] opi says oh for sure my mom was an immigrant and her parents owned a home before becoming

[00:21:33] citizens here with my mom's help I'm pretty sure I think she would send them money sometimes

[00:21:39] and it was not impossible for immigrants to be savvy but I've met plenty who are not

[00:21:43] my mom currently works with families who have recently moved to the US to help register

[00:21:47] their kids for school I meet a lot of people in a variety of situations there's funny

[00:21:52] seeing comments of people saying that's too many people in one apartment I've met people who share

[00:21:56] a one-bedroom apartment with a whole other family two families in one apartment all I know is that

[00:22:02] some people have to work with what they got I can't knock them for trying

[00:22:07] someone suggests to opi that the mother's boyfriend knew exactly what he was asking for

[00:22:12] an opi says did that man know it was too much maybe I personally don't put a lot of stock in

[00:22:18] his character either way so I think it could be both ways I do think people can be selfish without

[00:22:23] understanding what they are asking for but now I'm gonna turn this one to you guys what do you guys

[00:22:30] make of this situation what do you make of the update let us know your thoughts down in the

[00:22:35] comments below and just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved

[00:22:39] in today's stories you'll love your support your time always means the absolute world to me so

[00:22:44] thank you so so much and hopefully I'll see you in the next one take care and much love

[00:23:14] have a

[00:23:21] catch yourself eating the same flavorless dinner three days in a row dreaming of something better

[00:23:26] well hello fresh is your guilt-free dream come true baby it's me giggy palma let's wake up those

[00:23:32] taste buds with hot juicy pecan crusted chicken or garlic butter shrimp scampi hello fresh stop

[00:23:41] dreaming of all the delicious possibilities and dig in at hello fresh calm let's get this dinner party

[00:23:47] started