Fiance Asked Me NOT To Wear White At Our Wedding So His Mom Could r/Relationships

[00:00:01] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from PastProfessional384 from the Am I Overreacting subreddit. And it says,

[00:00:26] Am I overreacting? My fiance asked me not to wear white at our wedding. It starts, Have you seen I Love a Mama's Boy? Well, that's my life basically. I, 27 female, have been with my fiance John, 28 female, since high school.

[00:00:43] We dated and broke up because his mother, Debbie, 53 female, convinced him we were too young to be in love. We broke up and went to college. During my sophomore year, we started talking on socials again. He apologized and said he missed me. We got back together. Cue the waterworks. Debbie literally cried the first time she saw we were back together and told John that I have done witchcraft on him. I've always respected Debbie out of respect for my mother and upbringing.

[00:01:12] I was not raised to go back and forth with my elders, but she definitely abuses that. Since John and I decided to get back together, she's tried to hook him up with women from her church, her job, and even asked her friends for their daughters to give it a shot. John denies all of them, and Debbie says that I'm controlling. John has told her to stop, but not in a way I feel she gets the point. Anyway, three months ago, John proposed. Deb didn't come to my engagement party. Cool.

[00:01:41] Cool. She didn't come to the family dinner we had so both sides could meet. Cool. John's dad came and apologized for his ex's behavior. He left her when John graduated high school. I told him, don't worry about it. The problems really began when John decided to confront his mother, how she's behaving towards our whole engagement.

[00:02:02] This turned on the lightbulb in his brain, as he always tried to ignore it and tell me to ignore her. She gave him a sob story about how she got pregnant with him before marriage and never really got to have a wedding, and this is triggering her. She had a shotgun wedding at the courthouse. He asked her what she needed to feel comfortable, and she responded that if she wore white and I wore soft pink or lavender, she would feel comfortable.

[00:02:27] My fiance for some reason thought this was a fair compromise. He also said, not asked, that his mom could walk me down the aisle so she can get her moment in her dress. I told him, absolutely not, and we got into an argument about it. I told him that it's insane that he would argue with me to defend his mom's honor, but wouldn't do the same the other way around.

[00:02:49] He accused me of being petty and selfish. It was bad. We both agreed to call off, but by how heated it got, I could tell we both almost agreed to call it off. Now we're in a weird space, and I love John, but now see how much he lets her impact our life. I just imagine her sitting at home with this evil grin, knowing she's ruining my relationship with John, and he's just putty in her hands.

[00:03:13] I think I should just call off the wedding. Am I overreacting, or is it just a color? That's such a weird request. I'm just trying to imagine the actual situation where the mom is walking down with a bride, and the mom's wearing a white dress, and everyone in the room is thinking, what the fuck is going on here? And the mom doesn't think people is going to find that weird. She's basically asking OP to give up being the bride so she can play the bride instead.

[00:03:41] She wants to wear white, walk down the aisle, and have the actual bride wear a bridesmaid color. It's like she's trying to marry her own son. And I think the scariest part is that your fiancé thinks this is reasonable and gets angry at you for it. The fact that he's defended her, sabotaging your entire relationship from you breaking up in high school to missing engagement events to accusing you of witchcraft, shows that he's still putting his mother's feelings above yours, basically.

[00:04:09] And that's what your future looks like currently. It's not going to stop just there. I mean, she's overruling your wedding. Other things are going to be taken control of as well. OP added some additional comments and says, I wish this was fiction. My life feels like a joke right now. I'm embarrassed to even tell my best friend because it just sounds crazy. And I guess I thought posting it here would get me a different type of response. But everyone is just telling me to run. So I think it's time to tell my friends and family what's going on.

[00:04:39] OP also adds, Everyone is screaming leave him. And I would be too if I was just a third party observer reading this. So I don't fault them. But we live together and have been planning a wedding. It hurts. I think this is my last straw though. So I appreciate your advice. I'm going to get father-in-law to gather everyone on his side and talk about this. If that doesn't work, the wedding is off. My dad hasn't paid any deposits yet since it's still early on in the engagement. So, phew. I've also decided to show John this thread.

[00:05:08] I'll post an update after I meet him later. Honestly, I love him. It feels like we're soulmates but everyone is right. I don't know if I can put up with Debbie forever. I thought I could if he was going to have my back. But he's lost all his marbles apparently. I honestly think that's what it is. He really believes she'll let up. She hasn't this whole time we've been together. So I'm adding that to one of my talking points for later. The second part is also going to be a talking point. Does he think that his mom would not look insane?

[00:05:38] And that wouldn't make people talk? So, OP came in with a first update and said, Hey everyone. Not sure if this is the update everyone wanted but this is what happened since my last post. One, I laid out a couple of talking points that I couldn't articulate over the rage. Two, I met up with John after work at home. I was at the gym letting off steam. Three, we spoke on everything and made plans to speak to his mother. John came home remorseful.

[00:06:05] He told me he was anxious about it and brought it up to a co-worker slash friend about how I don't want to compromise. Apparently his friend, God bless his soul, went off on him about being cringey. This angered me. So when I say it's a problem but another man tells you and now you see the other side. I brought up my talking points. Him being easily being manipulated. This was also proved when I said he would listen to whatever another man said before his partner.

[00:06:33] Even though his friend agreed with me. It hurt that he didn't listen to me. His mom going out of her way to break us up with this silly request. He was way more open to this theory now knowing how cringey looks even telling the situation to someone else. I compared it to a father removing a bride's wedding garter. He got the point. Him agreeing to his mom's crazy request before even talking to me. He claimed he didn't. That he told her he'll see how I feel about it and just brought it up to me.

[00:07:02] I asked why did he not see that his mother walking down the aisle on his wedding day was extremely creepy. He said it's just a dress in his eyes. He just didn't want his mom to miss the wedding. I told him there will be no wedding if he doesn't straighten up. He said he understood. Me showing him how blatantly obvious it was that she hates me. She didn't even ask to wear white alongside me which is still weird but that I don't wear white at all as if I'm some impure whore.

[00:07:30] Thanks Reddit because I wasn't even thinking of that one. He said he didn't see it that way. He just knew she hasn't been showing up because she said seeing me in white hurts her. So I said do not hear your own mom saying she wants to be the bride herself. That she can't stand it being me. It finally looked like a ding went off in his head. Me asking him what role would she play in our wedding, childbirth, mother's day and everything to come. Would I always come second place?

[00:07:59] He assured me I wouldn't and he realized how bad he fucked up. He was just trying to keep the peace. I asked by always making her happy and making me miserable. I refused to live my life this way. He agreed and said he was sorry and that he wouldn't want me to be miserable. We have no children yet but we created a plan and how to deal with any big milestone. She won't be there for anything unless I'm comfortable with it and I won't be unless she does a 180.

[00:08:27] I asked what did his mom say to change his mind and you all guessed it. She cried. She cried about how her baby was getting taken away from her. How she never got her wedding. How his dad left her and she was alone and had no one else. That she felt sick and just wanted to experience a real wedding before she dies. She is perfectly healthy unless there is something she hasn't told us. I just told him if that was enough to manipulate him, what's to say he won't turn on me again.

[00:08:55] He said his friend and dad talked some sense into him about how he was going to lose me. I told him today that was the last straw for me. He had to do four things to keep me engaged to him if he even cared to.

[00:09:33] He agreed. Then came the bad part. I showed him the post. I felt so bad as he read everyone ripping to shreds in the comments. I could see how uncomfortable he was as he read how much of a mama's boy he was and other things about his mom. He was hurt that I agreed that I should leave him some comments. He read for a few minutes until he saw someone call him a spineless see you next Tuesday and then gave me my phone back.

[00:10:01] He said it was really harsh but I had to show him how crazy the situation sounded even if it was to keep the peace on a surface level. Him reading the post was the icing on the cake. He said he saw everyone telling me to leave and his heart physically started hurting knowing that he deserved it. We called his dad who I'm no longer calling future father-in-law because I will call this wedding off tomorrow if he doesn't have my back when we speak to his mom. John's dad Dan who I'll name since he's a big part of this update.

[00:10:30] Dan also read John the riot act again. He was relieved John decided to get his act together. We agreed to go to Deb's house tomorrow with Dan and John's aunt. My dad is tagging along. John has said he will tell his mother that she can't under any circumstances make our wedding about her. He also said if she does cry or try to guilt trip him he will tell her he'd go in no contact. I feel terrible as getting a man to stop talking to his mother isn't something I ever thought I even wanted.

[00:11:00] I doubt Debbie will come around especially not tomorrow with all of us against her. I don't know if John will backtrack as soon as he gets there. I've explained if he doesn't grow a spine I'm leaving. He either can marry me or marry his mom but that's my ultimatum. He said he chooses me. We'll see I guess. This all should make me happy but I still feel icky. I'll update tomorrow after we talk to Debbie. Some of OP's relevant comments before the next update says

[00:11:29] I won't bash him anymore since we've spoken. But I will say I'm not speaking tomorrow and I've asked everyone else to just come for support. He has to speak and if it's not assertive or if it's half-arsed I'm out of here. OP also adds thank you. I feel really bad about this but this is my first time having to really put my foot down. And I think he's shocked seeing it. I usually just let her talk and get her away because she's his mom.

[00:11:53] So OP came in with her next update and said hey everyone I'm back with the last update. This is a bit long so buckle up. Some people reach to disrespect me. I honestly don't care if you don't believe my story or find me annoying but messaging me, calling me names, being disrespectful and or saying I shouldn't wear white to my own wedding is classless. I won't respond and I genuinely hope you all get the help you need for whatever trauma makes you that much of an angry person.

[00:12:20] To all the people who have reached out with positive vibes and advice thank you all so much you cutie patooties. Anyway, John and I met up after work and we headed to pick up Dan. John's aunt couldn't make it. My dad was meeting us there. I had really bad anxiety. I told Dan and dad that they should give us a few before knocking so she doesn't feel ambushed. They agreed. Here's the part everyone was waiting for. We get to Debbie's.

[00:12:48] My heart feels like I'm going up the world's tallest roller coaster slowly. John is quiet. We get there and he gives her a firm but respectful Hey mum. We sit down and John tells her we came to talk to her. She asked what's wrong. John got right into it. He bluntly said that her actions towards me for the years have been petty. Her not showing up for any of our wedding events was unacceptable to him. He flat out asked her why does she have a problem with me.

[00:13:15] I genuinely thought he was going to start with a dress situation. He went for the root of it all. Debbie acted like she had no idea what he was talking about. She's actively tried to get into cheat slash leave me for other women but in that moment was shocked and doesn't know where this was coming from. She says she has no problems with me and loves me like a daughter. She looked at me like she expected me to talk. But like I said to you all, I wanted to see what John had to say.

[00:13:43] He asked her to be honest and named all the times he's recalled that she's insulted me to my face and behind my back. He mentioned she also told him he could do better every time I'm not around. This was news to me but am I shocked? No. Deb was livid. She genuinely couldn't believe he outed her like that. She starts going off on him, calling him disrespectful and saying he was disrespecting his own mother for an outsider. She kept saying, I know she made you do this.

[00:14:11] I know she's the one making you disrespect me like this. John was trying to reason with her and to get her to calm down. I text Dan and my dad to come in. Once they were inside, Deb became a different person. She was startled as she wasn't expecting them. Then all of the things she was just saying went out the window. She turned to Dan and my dad and said, John walked in and just started yelling at her because of me. My dad looked at me and I shook my head no. Once Dan and dad got in, everything was calmer for a little while.

[00:14:41] She went back to denying she didn't like me. They all told her it was obvious. But the dress request was shameful of her. She immediately replied it's shameful that I won't let her son spend time with her. John said that's not true. At this point, I'm burning inside. I wanted to correct all of her inaccuracies, but I stood quiet. John asked her what's the real issue with OP. Deb starts saying how she knew I was going to be an issue since we were in high school.

[00:15:08] She said that once John got with me, his grades started dropping, which isn't true. That he stopped making time for family. Also not true. That he once didn't show up to celebrate Mother's Day with her a few times because of my birthday. My birthday is in April. Mother's Day is in May. That once we got back together, he forgot about her completely because I made him abandon her. He goes to her house minimum three times a week.

[00:15:34] She said the fact that we had the engagement party without checking, how she felt about it was wrong, and all the evidence she needed to see what kind of woman I am. My dad pointed out that she didn't pay for the engagement dinner to have any input on it. Dan asked her what was she thinking, asking to wear white at our wedding. Why is she so hungry for attention? Her face got red and she went off. She told Dan maybe if he would have properly married her and gave her a real wedding, she wouldn't feel left out.

[00:16:03] Dan straight up called bullshit and said that she didn't want to have a real wedding, even though he tried to convince her. The reason being that her mother told her pregnant brides are tacky. She started crying. I honestly felt bad for Debbie here. Mothers, be nice to your daughters or you'll create Debbies. My dad got everyone to calm down. John finally spoke again and told his mom that he can't keep defending her when she won't even try to respect me. That for his sanity and our relationship, he's going low contact.

[00:16:33] Deb kept crying and said that John can't leave her for dead. She's the only mother he'll ever have. Mothers are forever. Wives are not. I'm not even his wife yet and I'm already tearing apart the family. He kept going. He told her that we are going to get married. She can't respect me or stop crossing boundaries. She'd get cut off completely. Dad's visits are dropping down to one every two weeks and that she'll need to call less. She started going off. She knew it. I'm doing something to him.

[00:17:02] What did I do to her son? I'm a manipulator and a problem. She told my dad he raised a demon. My dad shot back at her to watch her mouth. John kept shouting, mum stop, mum stop. But she kept screaming and then started hyperventilating. Whoever called it, you might be able to see the future. She was gripping John's arm saying she can't breathe. This was when I said to myself, oh no, he's about to flip flop.

[00:17:29] He looked at me and I know he knew what I was thinking. John got her a cup of water then asked his dad if he could make sure his mum was okay and asked my dad to take Dan home. Dan and dad agreed and his mum started crying louder. She literally screamed, I can't breathe as we walked out so he could hear her. I felt fucking terrible and I finally spoke. I told John I'm sorry and I understand if he felt bad. He said he knew she was faking it but his instincts wanted to run over and make sure she was okay.

[00:17:59] I asked, are you? He said no, but he looked really sad about it. My dad walked out behind us. My dad has never seen this side of Deb. Neither have I. She's always been catty or shady towards me but this was insane. My dad straight up told John that his mum needed help with her mental health. John said he's going to talk to his aunt about getting her help. We went home and John cried. He said he cried because he watched his mum villainize him and tell others that he just

[00:18:29] walked in and verbally abused her. He said it reminded him of times he would fight with his dad because his mum would say Dan would just come home from work and yell at her for no reason. I guess it was deja vu for him. He was silent after she said that so I do believe it struck a nerve with him. He decided to go no contact for now. I did ask him if he was okay with me posting this part and he said yes. Before we went to Deb's house I called a couple of counsellors in our area to check availability.

[00:18:56] That first couple's therapy session is next month. It's a little while away. He called his provider today to check for a therapist within his insurance and got an appointment for himself for the 23rd. The ball is rolling and John seems like he's on the same page as me. I know this is killing him though. Dan called us and let us know he got Deb to calm down. He said he spoke to her as best as he could about her harming her own relationship with John but she didn't want to hear it. Thank you Reddit. I really didn't expect this to blow up like this.

[00:19:26] The advice and well wishes I got from this was so overwhelming in a great way. While I should be happy something about it all just makes me feel down. I hope that Debbie gets better and we can one day have her in our lives. Something about that comment about her mother made me hurt for little Debbie. Hopefully one day I get to hear her stories. Now I'm going back to my regular life and hopefully wouldn't ever have a dramatic update for you guys ever again.

[00:19:53] And there was many people on the back of this one saying that they just wouldn't have been able to tolerate that and they would have checked out of this right away. And I get OP's sadness towards Debbie as well. Not that it was acceptable in any way shape or form but thinking about her past and you know how she was it sounds like how she was emotionally abused you know being shamed for being a pregnant bride and now Debbie's trying to do the same to OP for stealing her son etc.

[00:20:22] Just shows how the kind of behavior can be passed on. And once again there's no excuse for it you know it's up to you to break those patterns etc. But I still did find it like OP I found it sad. But I'm glad that John is finally taking steps in the right direction. Whether you think OP should have stayed with him or not I'm glad he's making the steps in the right direction. I'm recognizing the toxic patterns that's there and choosing to break them even when it clearly hurts.

[00:20:50] But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys. What do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Now just a huge thank you for being here today. Getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so so much and hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love.