Fiance Accused Me Of Baby-Trapping Although I Got My Tubes Tied r/Relationships

[00:00:00] This Mother's Day, celebrate the extraordinary women in your life with a heartfelt gift from

[00:00:04] Blue Nile. Whether it's for your mom, a mother figure, or yourself as a mom, find that perfect

[00:00:10] piece to express your love and appreciation. Explore Blue Nile's exquisite pearls and mesmerizing

[00:00:15] gemstones that she's sure to love. Enjoy fast shipping options like guaranteed free

[00:00:20] shipping in returns. Make this Mother's Day unforgettable with a piece from Blue Nile.

[00:00:25] Right now get up to 50% off at BlueNile.com. That's BlueNile.com.

[00:01:00] My Tubes are Tide

[00:01:03] I had an argument with my fiance this morning. We've been dating for two years,

[00:01:08] engaged since September and for the most part everything has been going well.

[00:01:12] We've been planning a quiet backyard ceremony so that we can save up for a house instead.

[00:01:17] We've been communicative and managed to get through fights in the past.

[00:01:20] But this takes the cake. He's been evasive for the past two weeks about the wedding or

[00:01:26] any future plans we've made. I basically had to corner him this morning before leaving for work

[00:01:31] to ask him what's going on. Turns out, while he was dog sitting for his uncle early in February,

[00:01:37] they had a chat that stuck with him. When they were talking about life and how things have been,

[00:01:42] his uncle admitted he resented his ex-wife for baby trapping him and now he's divorced

[00:01:47] while his ex-wife is dating again. My fiance's cousin has an entitled ass hat who terrorized

[00:01:53] him when they were both teenagers. Turns out, it's been sitting in his mind. He says that he thinks

[00:01:59] I'm about to spring a pregnancy announcement on him and trap him in the marriage. This is despite

[00:02:04] the fact that he knows that I don't want kids. I basically raised my siblings and lost out

[00:02:10] on my childhood. I told him about not wanting kids when we first started dating.

[00:02:15] We were both on the same page and I've asked him about getting the vasectomy in the past,

[00:02:19] which is why it's surprising that he thinks I'm trying to baby trap him.

[00:02:23] Thing is, the first chance I got, which still took a long time, I got my tubes tied.

[00:02:29] I literally can't get pregnant. I reminded him of this fact and that made him go really quiet.

[00:02:35] He didn't even apologize or say anything. So I told him that if he's going to be like this

[00:02:40] over a made up issue in his head, I didn't know how much I could trust him in a real crisis.

[00:02:45] Now I'm wondering if I was too harsh and what steps we can take to move forward,

[00:02:49] or if I'm the right amount of angry and I should just end it. I have no idea what to do right now.

[00:02:56] An OP gave an update in the same post so there might be a cross between some of the comments etc.

[00:03:02] So we'll do the update first then we'll cover a couple of the comments. So the update says

[00:03:06] it's been an exhausting week both at home and work. Basically we're not engaged anymore.

[00:03:11] He's moving back to his parents and our relationship is over while he works on for himself.

[00:03:17] To answer some questions, no he wasn't cheating nor was there a secret baby on the side.

[00:03:22] Half a year after him having second thoughts, half a year after him being influenced by family

[00:03:26] and friends. I won't go too much into the details. Just that his uncle's family were

[00:03:31] always awful to him. They were always the go-to babysitters and he has trouble standing up to

[00:03:37] that generation of his family. He's impressionable and he has trouble separating fact from fiction

[00:03:42] because of that and then. Another factor is that one of his formerly child-free friends announced

[00:03:48] his wife's pregnant during new years and he's been excited about it. My ex-fiance is wondering if

[00:03:54] he changed his mind, especially since his parents do want to have grandchildren and have been

[00:03:59] asking if we're going to wait before having them. After dogs sitting for his uncle,

[00:04:03] apparently all that combined in his mind that I changed my mind and I'd surprise him about it.

[00:04:08] Which is the core of the matter for me. Whether he forgot I had my tube's tie doesn't matter.

[00:04:13] He was projecting his fears, anxiety and trauma onto me and punishing me for something that

[00:04:19] I didn't even do or say and then made me out to be a deceptive partner because of that

[00:04:25] projection. He stopped trusting me because he was afraid of what the warped version he

[00:04:30] built up in his mind might do. That wasn't okay and that's why I ended it. He's been moving

[00:04:36] his stuff out all week and he told me he's going back into therapy. His parents will be there to

[00:04:40] help him and they separately apologize to me, they have no idea how bad his anxiety is.

[00:04:46] I'll be there to support him as a friend and I've been trying to say that it's on

[00:04:49] pause but typing this out also makes me realise that no matter what I wouldn't be able to win

[00:04:54] against those fears nor can I trust him to ever fully trust me against them.

[00:04:58] Now in the first part of the post I just got to quote a section of it again. It says that

[00:05:02] he says that he thinks I'm about to spring a pregnancy announcement on him and trap him

[00:05:07] in the marriage yet you're planning a wedding. I was like what? And I have to say calling off

[00:05:15] the engagement at this point sounds like the right thing to do. I don't think there is a way

[00:05:19] to move forward quickly with this at all and separating yourself from the relationship

[00:05:24] because if I was told that by my partner that you were trying to trap them that basically

[00:05:29] they don't trust you. How do you move forward with that? Without trust there's just no

[00:05:34] relationship but radiant nobody says his uncle sounds like a real winner, misogyny at its finest.

[00:05:40] Why is he afraid of getting trapped into a marriage when he's literally planning a wedding with

[00:05:44] you? Like the fuck? Marriage also isn't a trap anyone can leave at any time regardless of

[00:05:50] whether there's kids and the fact that he forgot your tubes were tied? Is he dumb? You sound the

[00:05:55] right amount of angry to me. Personally I'd be hesitant to marry someone who was so easily swayed

[00:06:01] by his sexist uncle that you're somehow trying to trick him into a life of misery. On top of that

[00:06:06] he's been dwelling on this for two weeks and never once communicated what's going on with

[00:06:10] him. He just completely checked out until you forced it out of him. I'm not sure I'd want to

[00:06:15] marry anyone who A. thinks marriage is a trap for men and B. let his uncle convince him you're just

[00:06:21] like his ex-wife in one conversation. C. can't communicate or apologize. D. surrounds himself

[00:06:27] with such shitty male role models and E. doesn't understand how tied tubes work.

[00:06:32] OP responds to that and says I think this is exactly my problem. I don't know if you think

[00:06:36] I've deliberately ruined my life to just mess his up or I've been lying since I met him.

[00:06:41] I don't want to make a knee-jerk decision but I'm seriously reconsidering this relationship and

[00:06:46] the update must have come after that where she decided to break up.

[00:06:50] White Stornsen says so I told him that if he's going to be like this over a made up, impossible

[00:06:56] issue in his head I don't know how much I trust him in a real crisis.

[00:07:00] And says are you sure this is what is really going on and not an on-the-moment deflection?

[00:07:05] Either way I think it would be a good idea to postpone the wedding until you get to the

[00:07:08] bottom of this insanity. You are certainly sensible to consider how we behave in an actual crisis.

[00:07:15] Accusing you of things that cannot happen is unhinged. Punishing you for things then

[00:07:19] that cannot happen and haven't happened is abusive. You are the right amount of angry.

[00:07:24] Only you can decide if this relationship is worth trying to save but if someone came at me with

[00:07:28] this nonsense I would not believe that was the real reason unless I had a reason to believe

[00:07:33] they were seriously mentally unwell. Your fiancé is either lying to you or has completely

[00:07:38] lost touch with reality and needs to see a doctor. Professional idiot says he hasn't apologised.

[00:07:44] Girl run for the hills this requires a serious conversation. If it's been wearing on him for

[00:07:49] weeks and he didn't even consider the fact that you literally can't get pregnant there might be

[00:07:53] something else going on. This whole situation sounds fishy. Hope he says it does. I've been

[00:07:59] thinking maybe he forgot that I was sterilized because I didn't talk about it much but I think

[00:08:04] I'd remember if my partner was shooting blanks. Cultural shape says is this the only time he's

[00:08:09] pulled something like this or does he have a history of being easily influenced by people

[00:08:13] he maybe shouldn't be taken advice from especially when that advice isn't even applicable to his

[00:08:18] situation. Hope he says he sometimes gets influenced by things he sees online. It's why we avoid

[00:08:25] using apps like Facebook but he rarely takes advice from his family especially the uncle since

[00:08:30] they weren't that close before his divorce. And so ultimately it ended with that breakup but what do

[00:08:37] you guys make of this situation? Put yourself in OP shoes. Do you think you'd ever be able to move

[00:08:43] past something like that or not? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below

[00:08:48] and let's move on to another story. And our next story does have an update as well from

[00:08:54] trying being better who says my husband mail 28 tried to initiate sex and I jokingly asked

[00:09:00] email 26 how he planned on seducing me this made him upset. What went wrong here?

[00:09:08] The situation is more or less in the title. My husband mentioned that he'd like to have sex

[00:09:13] and I told him that I'd be ready around a certain time. At time came and he sauntered

[00:09:18] over where I was working to get things going. As he was hugging me I giggled and asked how

[00:09:23] he planned on seducing me. Immediately the mood changed. He sat up and when I asked what's wrong

[00:09:30] he said that it wasn't his responsibility to convince me to do anything. I tried to clarify

[00:09:35] and say that I was joking about foreplay but he essentially said he couldn't make me do something

[00:09:40] I didn't want to do. He got up and left and I was really confused. My husband mentioned in

[00:09:46] the past that he sometimes feels that I don't want to have sex and that it makes him feel

[00:09:50] like he's forcing me to be intimate even when I say yes. I have a lower sex drive than him and

[00:09:56] I'm also on medication that lowers my libido and so sex comes to mind way less frequently.

[00:10:02] I'm also in school full-time and work full-time so my brain has been stretched thin.

[00:10:07] I've mentioned in the past that I enjoy sex and want to do it with him but

[00:10:11] he said that it feels like I don't reciprocate the feeling. He even mentioned that he

[00:10:15] sometimes worries that he's coercing me to be intimate. He said that I seem to be enjoying myself

[00:10:20] in the act but pretty neutral about sex just before. He alluded to instances where he's had sex with

[00:10:26] women in the past and how they seem to be really enthused. When I asked if he ever wanted me to

[00:10:31] be like them he said not necessarily but confessed that he wished I had their enthusiasm.

[00:10:37] I'm exhausted. What went wrong?

[00:10:40] My JR Randy says you said how are you going to seduce me hoping for a sexy little joke. He heard

[00:10:47] how are you going to convince me because of what he expressed you previously about feeling like he

[00:10:52] was forcing you even though that's probably not what you meant slash felt at all. I've been in

[00:10:57] his shoes and it does get to the point where it just feels gross when you're the one initiating

[00:11:01] 100% of the time and start to feel like your partner is doing it out of some perceived

[00:11:06] obligation versus actually desiring it as well. It's tough because of all the reasons you said

[00:11:12] that you two need to find a way to understand you may not be thinking of it but you do actually want

[00:11:17] to do it. Max could never find that place with me and it just became a dead bedroom because I

[00:11:22] just felt icky. OP says thanks for your advice you actually mentioned something we talked about

[00:11:27] in the past. My husband said that even though I say I want to have sex he doesn't always feel

[00:11:32] like I do and doesn't want to coerce me but it's tricky because I'm not super expressive in general.

[00:11:38] I have emotions but I'm kind of flat. It runs in the family which is something we've talked about

[00:11:43] navigating in the past. I thought we understood each other in the past but in retrospect I think

[00:11:48] we both happened to have the conversation today in a moment where we were both tired and stressed.

[00:11:53] My husband was bothered by some bad news earlier in the day. It must feel terrible to think

[00:11:57] your partner doesn't reciprocate and I don't want him to think that. I think it's going

[00:12:01] to be an ongoing conversation before we find a perfect rhythm. Here's a cool fact. A crocodile

[00:12:10] can't stick out its tongue. Another cool fact you can get short term health insurance for a month

[00:12:16] or just under a year in some states. United Healthcare short term insurance plans are designed

[00:12:20] for people who are between jobs coming off their parents plan or turning a side hustle into a

[00:12:24] full-time gig. Underwritten by Golden Rule Insurance Company they offer flexible budget

[00:12:29] friendly coverage with access to a nationwide network of doctors and hospitals. Get more cool

[00:12:34] facts about United Healthcare short term plans at uh1.com. Burrow is a furniture company known for

[00:12:40] timeless design and thoughtful construction and free shipping and that extends to their outdoor

[00:12:45] collection. Their outdoor furniture is built to withstand the elements featuring rust proof

[00:12:50] stainless steel hardware, weather ready teak and quick dry foam cushions. For Memorial Day get

[00:12:55] 15% off your burrow purchase at burrow.com slash a cast and up to 25% off outdoor. That's up to 25%

[00:13:03] off outdoor furniture at burrow.com slash a cast. So OP did kindly update the post and says after

[00:13:13] getting more responses than I expected, I wound up not only talking to my husband about intimacy

[00:13:19] but about the post itself. My husband is also a redditor and I got so many different opinions

[00:13:24] that I wanted to hear some of his thoughts about them too especially since it was not likely

[00:13:28] he'd somehow come across the post anyway. Our relationship is going well. We talked at length

[00:13:34] about sex and it seems it was mostly a misunderstanding. My husband stressed that he didn't want me to

[00:13:39] have sex with him out of obligation. He felt like I was asking him to convince me to have sex instead

[00:13:43] of teasing about foreplay. I had the chance to ask him if he felt his needs would be met in

[00:13:49] the relationship and we also talked about responsive desire and other things that surround

[00:13:53] sex. I asked him if I made him feel wanted and desired and if he felt we're in a good place in our

[00:13:58] sex life and he responded really positively. There are a lot of people who were concerned about

[00:14:04] our relationship and there's a lot of context that can't really be captured in a single Reddit

[00:14:08] post. We're in most nights cuddling and watching random YouTube videos. We had sex twice since

[00:14:13] the first post and I got some more laundry to spice things up for both of us. Several of

[00:14:18] you mentioned getting some come as you are and it turns out we already had that book. We

[00:14:23] just shelved it a long time ago. We've always been pretty touchy and flirty but especially with

[00:14:28] school, work and health stuff haven't been in the headspace that I want to be for the last few months

[00:14:33] or year. We obviously aren't perfect but I'm thankful to be with someone who wants sex to be

[00:14:38] a fun experience for both of us. We tried the stoplight method a few times this week and

[00:14:43] like it so far. My husband loved the idea of putting a playlist together. He's very musical

[00:14:48] and loves having something playing when we're going at it. Which means I'll need to work on my

[00:14:53] music taste. If you have any song recommendations please let me know. Oh no, why did CBAT pop into

[00:15:01] my head immediately? It's the people going! My husband also had a chance to see your comments.

[00:15:07] There were some things he agreed with but others he didn't. I think we're both

[00:15:11] fascinated by how polarizing some of the responses were. There were some angry

[00:15:16] responses but I think the post gave us an opportunity to just explore sex as a concept overall.

[00:15:22] We've had a lot of fun conversations about intimacy and Reddit culture. Quite fragly. So yeah,

[00:15:29] we're okay. And for me I'm not sure about you guys but that felt like a pretty positive update

[00:15:34] overall that you know this post got them to the point where they're having a discussion and

[00:15:39] moving forward in a more positive way. What do you guys make of this situation? Let me know

[00:15:44] your thoughts down in the comments below and check some CBAT on.

[00:15:49] And our next story does come with an update as well and it's titled MIVR Soul for a fusion to

[00:15:54] respond to my sister. I mail 24 recently did a DNA test and ancestry test. I won't name the brand

[00:16:02] because I don't want this to seem like an ad. I was adopted by my parents when I was 7 years

[00:16:07] old. I don't really remember much if anything of my life prior to being adopted but I know

[00:16:12] that I was neglected to say the least just to put that context out there. I've never really had

[00:16:18] intentions of meeting my biological family. I've always thought they obviously didn't care about

[00:16:23] me so why should I waste my time caring for them? When I did the DNA test I knew it was a chance

[00:16:28] that I would be matched with a close genetic relation but I never had any intention of messaging

[00:16:34] with any of them even though my parents have been supportive of me finding a connection to

[00:16:38] my bio family. Anyway the DNA test came back a few days ago and I matched with someone who apparently

[00:16:45] is my biological half sister. She sent me a long message explaining that she's been searching me

[00:16:50] for a while and she would love to speak and help me build a picture of my biological family.

[00:16:55] She said that she lived with me and my dad, her stepdad and our mom when I was young.

[00:17:00] She was 7 years older than me and when I was removed into foster care she moved in with

[00:17:05] her dad. I read the message but I haven't responded and in all honesty I didn't plan to.

[00:17:10] It's nice to know that someone's out there who cares for me but I still don't want anything to do

[00:17:15] with my bio family. My brother also adopted Oliver says that I'm being selfish by not responding.

[00:17:21] He says that I should think about what my sister might be thinking but I don't think he understands

[00:17:26] since he's always kept a link to his bio family. We ended up getting into a huge stupid argument

[00:17:32] over it and he says if I wasn't going to respond I shouldn't have even done the test because now

[00:17:36] it just gives my sister false hope. I told him he didn't understand what I was going through

[00:17:42] because he never lost connection with his bio family and he said I'm an idiot for thinking that.

[00:17:47] We were both probably equally rude. I'm not trying to paint him as a bad person,

[00:17:51] we had a dumb fight. So I'm either arsehole for refusing to respond to my sister.

[00:17:58] Now you're not the arsehole for feeling the way that you are feeling in this situation.

[00:18:03] Absolutely not and your brother shouldn't be pushing you to do something that you don't want to do.

[00:18:08] However, and I can only say this from my point of view, I've never been in your position,

[00:18:12] I've never felt how you're feeling so I can only say it from what I think.

[00:18:18] I might do in that situation and how I feel about this person who's searching for you

[00:18:23] and maybe just letting them know that you are alive and well and you're just processing things at

[00:18:29] the moment. You're not ready to go any further because from the very small amount of information

[00:18:35] we do have it does sound like they care about you. Express Chapter says no one's an arsehole here

[00:18:41] but I don't know why I'd make your info publicly available if you weren't planning to respond

[00:18:46] to anyone. Lopie says pretty sure the one I used said I couldn't see my matches unless I was

[00:18:51] public. I guess I was curious as to see if I had any matches, that were close. My other sibling did

[00:18:57] one and the closest he had was a third cousin so in all honesty it was a mixture of I was curious

[00:19:01] and not expecting anyone to be closely related to me. Classic ad says no one's an arsehole here

[00:19:08] however you don't remember much of a previous life. She does. There's a whole world that

[00:19:13] may open up for you. At a minimum she may have also went through trauma. She may have

[00:19:18] loved and cared for a baby sister to the extent a young elementary aged child could.

[00:19:23] Then you were taken from her. She may have loved you very much. You're not letting her know you

[00:19:28] is sad. Lopie says I'm a guy by the way but yeah I get what you mean thank you for your comment.

[00:19:34] Consistent clue says I agree not the arsehole and you don't have to respond.

[00:19:39] From my understanding you're a bit indifferent or unbothered by the news.

[00:19:43] If you think you can manage your emotions no problem then acknowledging the message

[00:19:47] explaining your stance and wishing her well could provide her a lot of peace with minimal effort on

[00:19:51] your path. If it is emotional to reply sending a message to provide us enclosure would be a kind

[00:19:56] and selfless act. She might not have found a good family like you did. Lopie says well I never

[00:20:02] knew I had any biological siblings in fact I thought I didn't. In some ways I don't want to have

[00:20:07] any ties to my biological family because they gave me up. I had a mother who didn't slash wouldn't

[00:20:13] protect me from my father. I ended up in a loving family with parents who care for me and siblings

[00:20:18] who I know and care for. In some ways I want to entirely leave any ties to my biological family

[00:20:23] behind. I don't feel any ties to them and I don't think I want to. I get that it could be difficult

[00:20:29] for her but I don't know. Messaging feels like I'm reinforcing a connection that I don't even

[00:20:34] want to exist. But there was many of the same kind of responses. Some people telling you

[00:20:40] know the sister wasn't the one who abandoned you kind of thing didn't really have much of a choice back

[00:20:44] then. Lopie came in with their update and said thank you all for sharing your points of view.

[00:20:49] I read almost all of the comments and appreciate all the advice and kind words most people sent out.

[00:20:54] I decided in the end to take the advice of most of you and send a message to my sister which

[00:20:59] said hello her name thank you for reaching out and I appreciate you sharing that you've

[00:21:04] been searching for me. As you know I was taken into foster care at age five which I remember much of.

[00:21:11] I was adopted by my mom and dad when I was seven years old into a loving family.

[00:21:15] Been cared for greatly by them and loved them with all my heart. I've been to this university

[00:21:21] and have graduated with a first class honors degree in education and currently working as a

[00:21:26] teacher. Although I appreciate you reaching out I'm not currently looking for any connection

[00:21:31] to my biological relatives at this time. I just wanted to send this message to let you know I am

[00:21:36] well and have had a happy life being part of my new family that's where she is Lopie. I think that

[00:21:41] message is alright and makes it clear I'm not looking for any connection. She has read the message

[00:21:46] but not responded although I don't expect her to thank you all again for your advice and help

[00:21:51] with dealing with this stressful situation. In the comments on this one Stella says I'm so

[00:21:56] glad that you decided to message her this once your message made it clear that you're not

[00:22:00] looking for a connection but gave her the reassurance that you're living a good life,

[00:22:04] the best of both worlds. Lopie says yeah she literally just sent me a really nice message back so

[00:22:10] I'm glad that I provided closure for her even though finding out I have a biosister has been

[00:22:15] stressful and something I never expected in some ways it's been nice finding out.

[00:22:20] Someone asks would you mind sharing the message? Lopie says I don't mind but

[00:22:24] I'm going to rewrite it and take out some personal information but the gist of it is

[00:22:28] exact same, hope that's okay. He said hello Lopie, it's so great to hear from you and I'm so pleased

[00:22:34] to hear how well you've gone on. I completely understand and respect your decision about

[00:22:38] contact in biological family. I also went to this university but I imagine a few years before you

[00:22:44] did. It makes me so happy to know that you found an amazing family who was able to love you in

[00:22:49] the way that you deserve to be loved. I just wish I was able to be a part of that life also.

[00:22:54] I got married last year and have a two-year-old son named this name.

[00:22:58] I one day you'll feel open to meeting him although he's young I've told him about you

[00:23:04] and how he used to play peanut butter dog. You even remember that sending all my love.

[00:23:10] I have no clue what peanut butter dog is or what that means so don't ask me.

[00:23:15] And you know I think that's lovely and what OP did was lovely that they reached out to give

[00:23:21] them that closure. It sounds like you know sister is reaching out to try and make more of a connection

[00:23:27] but not forcing it at the same time. And you know a part of me really hopes that they do make

[00:23:32] that connection one day as long as there's nothing dodgy going on in the background which

[00:23:36] you know I don't know if there is there isn't whatever one too many Reddit stories read from

[00:23:40] me. And I wasn't going to criticise OP in any decision that they made in the end but that's

[00:23:46] an incredibly difficult situation to navigate and I think they did it the best way that they could so

[00:23:51] fair play to them and I really do wish you all the best moving forward. But now I'm going to turn

[00:23:56] this one to you guys what do you guys make of this situation let me know your thoughts down

[00:24:01] in the comments below and just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting

[00:24:05] involved in today's stories. Your love, your support, your time always means the absolute

[00:24:09] world to me so thank you so so bloody very much and hopefully I'll see you in the next one.

[00:24:17] And Poppy says much love too. Bye bye.