Family Is ANGRY I've Been Keeping Score On My Parents Favouritism r/Relationships

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[00:00:38] My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story why not consider hitting that like subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. Then let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:52] Now today's first story comes from the am I the arsehole subreddit from selfservesportswash and says am I the arsehole for keeping school with my family and ruining dinner? I, 27 male, am the third of four siblings. And I've always felt like an afterthought.

[00:01:09] Lori, 33 female, Chuck, 29 male, and Jay, 25 female, have always gotten the first and best from my parents and each other. I get the leftovers if I'm lucky. I haven't gotten a birthday present from any of my siblings in about 10 years but I

[00:01:24] still get asked to pitch in for group gifts for each of them every year. One Friday night we were having a family dinner and it honestly felt like every other sentence was a dig at me or a less than subtle brag about my siblings about something they had

[00:01:38] been given by my parents that I was denied. It talked about how nice almost all of our weddings were but made sure to mention it was okay that my wife had a small low-key wedding and it was okay we loved it.

[00:01:51] But they brushed over the fact that my parents paid for all of my siblings' weddings but not mine. Because somehow they couldn't afford it because they were saving up for Jade's wedding. They brought up how little student loans they have because my parents helped them.

[00:02:06] All of them lived on campus at expensive four-year schools. I lived at home and went first to a very prestigious, very hard to get into, watchmaking school. I got paid to attend this school so I paid rent at home.

[00:02:19] My parents paid for my tours and I appreciate the help, I really do. But they paid $120-$150k each for my siblings. They gave me $7k for the tours. But to them it's equal.

[00:02:32] When I went back to school on my own, I didn't ask for money and wasn't offered it. When my brother went back to school, they covered everything without him even having to ask. There were many other small moments, moments about cars and other lifestyle choices.

[00:02:48] But what made me snap was my brother and his wife mentioning their marriage being so great because they do things like spontaneous dates. Like the one they had the prior Friday night. The Friday night where my parents called my wife and I last minute to cancel plans.

[00:03:02] They had to eat dinner at our house because they had to watch Chuck's kids because of an emergency. Turns out that emergency was a dinner for Chuck and my sister-in-law at Texas Roadhouse. I spent hours making my grandpa's ziti and meatballs with homemade marinara because it's

[00:03:20] my mom's favorite. I wanted more than anything to scream at them but instead I got up and left without saying a word and my wife followed me. When my mom called me later to ask why I left, I just explained exactly why.

[00:03:32] I explained the favoritism, the unfairness and the fact that it doesn't feel like they care about me. She didn't say much and I was really looking for an explanation or an apology in the moment. I just felt like it was self-evident.

[00:03:46] But if she didn't really see it, I'd spell it out. Evidently, at least parts of what I said have been shared with my siblings because now Chuck and Lori are furious at me and saying I ruined dinner and my mom is upset that I'm hurt.

[00:03:59] They say I'm immature for keeping score. Am I the asshole? You're not keeping score in this situation. This is your life and these are feelings that you're absolutely entitled to and expressing them.

[00:04:13] It sounds like you've been through a hell of a lot from what you've explained in this one story. Your siblings are just as bad in this. There's no way they haven't realized what's been happening and they haven't called it out as well. They've continued to allow it.

[00:04:27] I'm really not sure what the solution is to this apart from distancing yourself from them because they haven't got your best interests at heart. It doesn't sound like your priority to them. So why should they be a priority to you?

[00:04:40] You can continue to let them know how you feel, which I think is absolutely fine as well. I'm struggling to see how their attitude will change in this. I just don't believe that no one's realized what's been happening here apart from yourself.

[00:04:57] On the back of this, when you finally called it out, no one's taken a step back and said, oh shit yeah that is awful for OP. No one's considered that. Instead they're attacking you and calling you immature. It's shitty behavior.

[00:05:11] The first comment says to OP, not the asshole, your siblings are keeping score as well. They use that score to belittle you every time they see you. Your parents, including your mom who is all of a sudden upset that you're hurt, have allowed that to happen.

[00:05:25] Your mom is only upset because you finally stood up for yourself and called them out. Keep on keeping score. They certainly will. OP says honestly, on the phone she didn't seem agitated at all. But when I started explaining everything, she just kinda got sad I guess.

[00:05:39] She got really quiet and didn't say much. It's called guilt. Next commenter says, not the asshole, I don't know if this is the best solution. But if I were you, I would write everything down just like you told us.

[00:05:52] Then send it to each one of my family members in a group chat. Then block them. I'd move on from a relationship with them and love them from a distance. Sidebar, do you and all your siblings look exactly alike? OP says Jade is adopted so no.

[00:06:07] But she has always been the baby and treated as such anyway. My first draft had a lot more background but it was way over the character limit. I almost look exactly like my paternal grandfather.

[00:06:18] I even had the same thing with my eyes where they were blue when I was born but have formed a brown ring around the outside as I've grown up. So there's almost no possibility that I'm not my father's son, if that's what you're getting at.

[00:06:30] Jade is on my side incidentally and she feels awful about the wedding thing. But she didn't find out about them not paying for my wedding until about 6 months ago, which is 6 months after her wedding.

[00:06:41] She assumed that they had paid for part of my house or something because verbally that had always been the deal. But no, I got to pay for my own wedding and my parents never honoured the long standing

[00:06:51] agreement of, we have money saved for each of you and you can either use it for a wedding or anything else you want as a wedding gift when you get married. This is not Jade's fault. She didn't ask for any of this.

[00:07:02] She didn't even get to plan her own wedding. My mom and Lori did that. It was extravagant because my mom and Lori wanted it to be extravagant. Jade and her husband mostly hang out with my wife and I when they're in town.

[00:07:14] That has been a pattern for a long time. Family gives her stuff she didn't ask for to, I guess, make up for her early childhood sucking. And it's often at the expense of me. But since she was like 6, she'd always then share it back with me.

[00:07:28] Jade and I are fine. She shouldn't have been responsible for policing the fairness of the adults in our life. Have you laid out all this information in front of your family like you told us? Or have you personally been taking all this in yourself?

[00:07:42] I'm glad your sibling Jade is empathetic with you. Hopi says, The Friday night phone call with my mom was the first time I laid more than one incident at the time out for anyone. It's also the most thorough I've been about explaining any single incident because it's

[00:07:56] the first time I didn't get interrupted. We're on the phone for 1 and a half hours. I was talking for most of it. The next commenter says, You seem like an emotionally strong person. Sometimes when people know they can't get to you, they can't help but keep trying.

[00:08:10] It says more about them. Question, if you weren't related would you even hang out with these people? You didn't get to choose your family you know. Don't worry about rocking the boat. Sail your own. Ooh I like that. Hopi says,

[00:08:24] I'd definitely still hang out with Jade and her husband as well as my grandparents. But my Omar, dad's mom already sees me more than anyone else in my immediate family and my pop pop, mom's dad has spent more time with me than other grandkids since I was a

[00:08:39] child. I have autism and he almost certainly would have been diagnosed had he been born today. We both need breaks from crowds and we have similar sensory issues so we'd bail on family gatherings to go play bocce for as long as I can remember.

[00:08:53] Hopi comes in with her first update and says, I don't know where the best place to put all this so I'm putting it here if that's okay. My first draft contains some of this info but I had to edit it a lot to get it down

[00:09:05] to the character limit. Some of this has been shared in other comments but I'm just consolidating in hopes this is seen and answers questions. 1. There is no reason to believe I'm not my father's child.

[00:09:16] The list of genetic coincidences that would be necessary for that to be the case is long and not worth rehashing. He doesn't have any male relatives that could explain it either.

[00:09:25] He has one sibling, my aunt, and none of his cousins have ever been in his life or even remotely local. I look just like my paternal grandfather. I always have. He died when my father was young but by all accounts he was a good father and is remembered

[00:09:39] fondly. 2. My youngest sister has been the beneficiary of many if not most of the things my parents chose not to give me. But she did not ask for any of that and has been one of the only people consistently trying to make it right.

[00:09:53] I mean for goodness sake she was trying to fix it when she was 6. She has definitely not seen everything but what she has seen she has tried to correct. She is perhaps guilty of assuming the best of people and not asking questions.

[00:10:06] But she isn't heartless and getting angry at her isn't going to fix anything. We talked for a long time after I posted this. She had been told she was contributing to a birthday gift for me every year since at least 2018.

[00:10:19] She gave money to my older sister to buy my wife and I tickets to my favorite soccer team. And then my wife and I inevitably posted about going to the games she assumed one of the

[00:10:27] games we went to each year was the gift she had been contributing money towards. There's a lot of backstory there but the gist of it is Jade and I have always gotten along well and Jade does not participate in singling me out negatively.

[00:10:40] She and her husband spend time with my wife and I frequently, usually just the four of us. 3. I was definitely favored by my maternal grandfather growing up but it's not like I got extra gifts or anything.

[00:10:52] He and I just have very similar personalities and that showed at a young age. I'm on the spectrum and I feel very strongly that were he my age he'd have been diagnosed as well. We both struggle mightily with a lot of sensory things.

[00:11:06] But loud crowds and being surrounded by a lot of disparate sources of noise like perhaps his loud Italian family overwhelms both of us. So both of us hide for at least some portion of all family gatherings.

[00:11:18] Over time we started hiding together by just leaving to play bocce or locking ourselves in the kitchen to cook. As an adult he has made comments that indicate he sees that I'm not being given as much and

[00:11:30] in the last 2-3 years he has definitely given more items to me than anyone else. Things he wants me specifically to have if and when he passes and that he wants me to enjoy now. That was definitely a source of tension on Friday.

[00:11:43] He's quite wealthy and my older siblings are accusing me of trying to enrich myself based on inheritance. I have no clue what his plans are and I have not and will never ask. It's not my business and he has always had a pathological need to make things even.

[00:11:58] Everyone gets the same number of boxes at Christmas with as near as much of the exact amount of money spent on each recipient so I do not expect him to behave differently with his estate.

[00:12:08] I honestly expect that anything that doesn't go to charitable causes will be divided even more. But I really think it's all going to charity. But where my older siblings see the monetary value of his record collection and view it

[00:12:21] as a financial win for, I see a beautiful collection of music I keep listening to. I'd never sell that. They feel that I am hoarding the antique watches he gave me, the most valuable of which is a 60s Timex Marlin.

[00:12:33] But again, they want me to sell them and divide the cash. First of all, they aren't valuable except in sentiment. Second of all, Pop Pop is still very much still alive and only gave them to me because he knows or repair the ones I like and wear them.

[00:12:48] Selling them would be extremely rude and entitled. Yet angry that he gave me his first nice car. Because it does have a nominal value, even now, too old to be valuable as a reliable vehicle. Not old or rare or desirable enough to be a collector's item.

[00:13:03] But to me, it's a sentimental item. It was his Sunday car for years and while I've put a lot of work into keeping it running, still it's an excellent cosmetic condition. My older siblings are contesting that I actually am the favorite and the very measurable and

[00:13:18] extremely generous financial gifts given to them by my parents are somehow dwarfed by their, in my opinion, very inflated estimation of the financial value of the gifts my grandfather has given me recently. Four, my paternal grandmother has openly favored me more and more as I've aged.

[00:13:36] Again this is not financial and to my knowledge she isn't in a position to leave me an inheritance. Not that I've even asked that of her. There is an old clock of hers made by a local clockmaker and housed in a handmade cabinet

[00:13:47] that I used to spend hours looking at when I was really young, that she actually put multiple labels inside as early as when I was 5 or 6 saying that it belongs to me. But I didn't ask for that.

[00:13:59] I appreciate it and will gladly accept it if she still feels that way when the time comes but I don't spend the time I spend with her as some sort of plot to steal her clock. I just like hanging out with my grandma.

[00:14:09] She's a really funny lady and she likes walking with my wife and I and our dogs. She stays with us in our house on holidays in lieu of staying in the guest house my parents had built for her.

[00:14:20] My siblings are under the impression that she has somehow supported me financially. Again unless there is something I'm not aware of, she is very much not in a position to do this.

[00:14:29] Five, my wife and I will be meeting with my parents at some point over the next week to talk. I do not know what to expect but I will be taking the time to write stuff down in preparation.

[00:14:40] I don't even know what I want from it but I will be bringing up family therapy. I'm going to be doing a lot of stuff. Many of us have those stubborn pounds that seem impossible to lose no matter how good we eat or how hard we work out.

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[00:15:38] Plus, they accept most insurance plans. To get started visit plushcare.com slash weight loss. That's plushcare.com slash weight loss. But around two and a half months later, Opie updates again and says so update time.

[00:15:54] About a week after that post my wife and I sat down with my parents and cleared the air. As several people suggested I wrote down my thoughts and compiled, to the best of my knowledge,

[00:16:03] a listing and full accounting of the disparity in what my siblings were given over the years and what I was given. I did actually sit down and do the math and it turns out that while I was at the technicum

[00:16:13] I actually paid my parents more in rent than they ever paid for my tools. The final reckoning came to between $370k on the high end Jade to $190k on the low end Chuck for how much my parents directly gave to my siblings and they never gave to me.

[00:16:30] Sitting down and seeing the full amount all spelled out like that is probably the angriest I got during this whole mess. My parents had been aware there were discrepancies but rarely pushed back on the actual amounts

[00:16:40] until we sat down and went through each major gift and incident case by case. By which point my dad admitted my reckoning was likely conservative. That was more or less the end of any productive talk that night.

[00:16:52] My dad just claimed they didn't think it had gotten that bad but wouldn't give any details about how they could have possibly not noticed. In the interim Chuck and Lori continued to escalate their anger, continued to call and text me, my parents and extended family.

[00:17:06] I've not spoken to either of them directly since and I don't expect to any time soon. Roughly a week after that first sit down my mom and dad asked to meet again.

[00:17:16] Lots was said but the gist of it is they felt like I was doing well and didn't need their help. Basically they thought I'd be fine without them. They admitted they probably live outside their means and gave more to my older siblings than

[00:17:28] they should have and could never have given me that much. They claimed the timing of my wedding lined up with probably the most dire of their overspending and lack of saving and that they literally did not have the funds to live up to their

[00:17:39] promise especially as they were paying for Jay's tuition, car and apartment at that time. They have offered money, they have offered to pay for vacations, a car, all kinds of stuff but I think they don't really get it yet.

[00:17:52] My wife and I don't want their money but we aren't really sure what an ideal resolution to this looks like. At least they have admitted they were unfair and open to working things out. My wife and I spent Easter with Jade and her husband and my grandparents.

[00:18:05] My mom and dad came over in the evening. This seems to be more or less the new normal for now. A commenter suggests they said I bet they'll ask you for monetary help with end of life costs.

[00:18:16] OP says that's a bit of why I don't want to accept any gifts from them right now. As it currently stands if nothing changed about our relationship between now and when they retire I wouldn't feel any guilt about leaving them on their own.

[00:18:28] Although I'd bet anything Jade and her husband would make sure they didn't become destitute. I just really don't think I'd be in a position to be guilted into helping them. If I let them pay off my mortgage though I know they would try and use that as leverage.

[00:18:41] I know them too well not to know that's what they'd do. Right now I don't wish any ill on them, I just wouldn't step in to help them, at least not monetarily. They spent recklessly, I think they still spend recklessly.

[00:18:54] I don't think any of my grandpa's frugality or understanding of being poor made its way down to my mom. I think she doesn't remember when she was really little and his company hadn't taken off yet, or if she does she refuses to take any lessons from it.

[00:19:07] I don't think they have robust retirement savings and I don't trust them to live frugally even if they do. I fully expect them to be broke within 5 years of retiring and I don't want them to have a way to try and guilt me into helping.

[00:19:19] I know Chuck and his family aren't going to feel like they're in a position to help, even if they are, they make great money but always complain about being broke. By no definition are they broke, they just have expensive tastes and trashy friends.

[00:19:32] And unless there is a mending of fences, Lori will likely be too mad at them for babying me by doing the bare minimum and listening to my grievances that she'll be glad to see them suffer.

[00:19:43] Especially if she doesn't think there's going to be anything for her to inherit. I really truly think she would discard her own parents without a second thought if they blew through her inheritance. Then more info on Jade and the birthday gifts.

[00:19:56] Opie says I don't really have time to address everything but the birthday thing with Jade was addressed in comments on the first post. The short version is she and her husband have been giving Lori money, and a really sizable

[00:20:08] amount as it turns out, every year to buy my wife and I tickets to see the union play. Then when we inevitably posted pictures of us at games, she assumed that at least one of those games was the gift.

[00:20:20] She even pointed out one of my Instagram posts last year explicitly called it a birth gift, but didn't specify it was my gift from my wife. And to be fair the comment Jade left on it at the time in retrospect very much reads

[00:20:32] like she was glad I was enjoying her gift to me. So the reality is Lori was just straight up stealing a couple hundred bucks from Jade every year for at least 5 years. I love Jade and her husband, and they are very sweet, but they are very naive.

[00:20:47] Both grew up wealthy, both grew up spoiled, and neither has had any real sense of how much things cost. They just genuinely thought tickets to a union game cost multiple times over what they really

[00:20:57] do and didn't blink when Lori asked for money for my birthday gift every year. Jade and her husband are not speaking to either of my siblings now. They were both genuinely astonished to hear I hadn't been getting gifts from my siblings.

[00:21:10] Fun side note that they took my wife and I to a game this spring and paid for everything, but it was unprompted and not thinking it made up for everything. They just wanted to do a nice thing.

[00:21:19] I would not pretend Jade is perfect or that you can't tell she's been overly spoiled, but my god does she try hard not to be entitled. She and her husband do well financially in their own right and they share freely.

[00:21:31] I know she got her leg up but it's not fair to begrudge her that. She didn't ask for it and she has never rubbed it in my face unlike Chuck and Lori. She is mortified at how uneven things are. Chuck and Lori are mad it's not continuing.

[00:21:46] Commenter says are your parents aware that Lori has been stealing from Jade? Opie says they are. I know they are still in contact with her and her family as well as Chuck and his.

[00:21:55] Lori and Chuck are the two that has given them grandchildren and I don't want or expect my parents to turn a cold shoulder to them. I don't intend to pry into their relationship. My parents know what Lori did, how they want to approach it is their business.

[00:22:09] In the meantime my own relationship with my parents is strained and pretty low contact and I'd rather focus on that. I don't really have any real relationship with either of my older siblings and I can't see myself ever caring enough to try.

[00:22:22] If either of them have a come to Jesus moment and genuinely want to make things right they know where to find me. And another thought from Opie on not wanting money from his parents.

[00:22:33] Opie says I believe if I let my parents give me money, which I'm not sure if they even have they will consider us even and not actually address the fact that even without the money I was treated differently.

[00:22:44] Until I have a reason to believe the offer of money is coming from anywhere other than an attempt to get back into my good graces and buy my forgiveness I'm not interested.

[00:22:52] My wife and I both work and earn good money, we're by far the least well off of my family but we're comfortable and we have savings and retirement savings which may be more than can be said for the others except Jade and her husband.

[00:23:05] I don't see or speak to my parents as much as I used to and so far that's been fine by me. If they want to actually self reflect and try to make amends I'm very open to it but not until they acknowledge the non-monetary favoritism as well.

[00:23:18] Someone says do your grandparents know? Opie says my grandparents are fully caught up, they already knew it was skewed. Part of why I'm not overly concerned with settling the score for lack of a better phrase is that

[00:23:31] I have now been told in no uncertain terms that I will come out of this better off. I know that any relationship with my brother or older sister is almost certainly beyond repair, I've accepted that.

[00:23:41] I think letting my parents ease their conscience by throwing money at the problem will only lead to them not actually taking accountability for their actions. I don't think there's too much advice you could give to Opie in this situation perhaps

[00:23:53] there is but for me I think Opie's handling it in the best way possible at the moment They're keeping their parents at arm's length, not having much to do with Laurie and Chuck who just seem to see Opie as some kind of competition if you like.

[00:24:06] I think from the grandparents perspective, from what it sounds like to me, it sounds like they're going to sort Opie out in the end. That Opie's going to come out of this fairly well off?

[00:24:16] Not that Opie's focused on that but I can certainly see it going down that path. I personally wouldn't want nothing to do with those siblings as well, that's not how siblings treat each other, that's not love. These are just two people that's acting absolutely shitty.

[00:24:29] And I like the way that Opie's dealing with his parents, there is the chance of like you know completely cutting them out if they want but they're pretty low contact as I said keeping

[00:24:37] them at arm's length until or if they ever come to their senses and realize the favoritism that they showed to the other siblings. But we've covered a lot of stories to do with favoritism on reddit and on this channel but what do you guys make of this situation?

[00:24:54] If you was Opie, how would you deal with it? Is this one of those ones where you just walk away from all the drama? Do you think Opie's handling it a good way? How would you deal with it? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:25:07] Just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved in today's stories, your love, your support, your time always means the absolute world to me so thank you so so much and hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love.