Ex-Husband Is INSISTING I Change My last Name As His New Fiancee Isn't Happy r/Relationships

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[00:00:37] My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories.

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[00:00:50] Much love guys.

[00:00:52] Now today's first story comes from the Am I the Arsehole subreddit from ThrowawayHappyLiving

[00:00:57] and says my ex-husband is insisting I change my last name back to my maiden name because

[00:01:03] his new fiancé feels it will be awkward for her and I to have the same last name.

[00:01:07] Am I the Arsehole here for refusing to change it?

[00:01:12] My 39 female, ex-husband 38 male has been dating this woman for 3 years.

[00:01:18] For context she is 24 years old.

[00:01:21] My ex and I were married for 12 years and have been divorced for 5 years.

[00:01:25] We have 3 kids together who are now teenagers.

[00:01:28] My ex and I got divorced because we were young when we met, got married and grew apart as

[00:01:34] people.

[00:01:35] It was a mutual decision and we agreed our kids came first and have always co-parented

[00:01:40] very well.

[00:01:41] This has been the case up until last year when his girlfriend moved in with him.

[00:01:46] Previously we would do holidays and kids birthdays together.

[00:01:50] Now when she is present they won't even sit near me at our kids sporting events.

[00:01:54] I have always been nice to this woman despite my kids expressing they do not like her and

[00:01:59] they feel their dad acts differently when she is around.

[00:02:03] My ex told me early on she wasn't a fan of me and felt I intimidated her.

[00:02:07] When I asked him for examples of how I intimidated her he said it's my face that I have a resting

[00:02:13] bitch face and it makes her uncomfortable.

[00:02:16] My ex and her got engaged over Christmas and my kids were less than thrilled, my daughter

[00:02:21] especially.

[00:02:23] She feels her dad made a major life decision without even talking to them about it first.

[00:02:27] My ex called me yesterday saying he's given me a heads up that I have a year to change

[00:02:31] my last name back to my maiden name as his fiance is expressing her distaste and concern

[00:02:37] for us having the same last name when they get married.

[00:02:42] I told him we agreed in our divorce that I could keep his last name until I felt the

[00:02:45] need to change it and that is what I listed in our paperwork.

[00:02:49] I also told him I don't want to have a different last name than our kids.

[00:02:53] He said I'm being unreasonable and refusing to see how this would make his fiance uncomfortable.

[00:02:59] I told him I can't see it from her side because I am a grown up and not an immature child

[00:03:03] like she is.

[00:03:04] He told me I could ask anyone about the situation and everyone would agree with her.

[00:03:09] So am I the asshole here or refusing to change my last name to make her happy?

[00:03:16] The mouse asks a question and says not the asshole.

[00:03:19] Tell him that you'll only consider changing your last name back to your maiden name if

[00:03:23] you can change the kids last names too.

[00:03:25] If he doesn't agree, he can sit on it and rotate.

[00:03:29] OP says I did offer that as a solution and he completely lost it saying he is their dad

[00:03:35] and they deserve to have his last name.

[00:03:37] Yet when I said I wanted the same last name as our kids, he told me that wasn't a legitimate

[00:03:41] reason to not change it.

[00:03:43] Anonymous replies to that and says lol, well he is wrong on all counts.

[00:03:47] He needs to come to terms with the fact that this isn't his name, it's yours now too.

[00:03:53] I'm sure other people exist in the world with the same last name.

[00:03:56] He needs to get over it.

[00:03:58] Needween says I'm sure other people exist in the world with the same last name.

[00:04:03] In my grade school in a town of maybe 5,000 people, there were 4 students and 1 teacher

[00:04:08] with the same last name.

[00:04:10] None of them were related in any way.

[00:04:13] There are over 500 people in America with my exact same maiden name.

[00:04:17] Yes, first, middle and last.

[00:04:20] In fact I've known only 2 people who have a unique name, as far as they're aware anyway,

[00:04:25] and they are both first generation immigrants.

[00:04:28] I can almost guarantee that if OP's name is unique enough to be a problem slash weird

[00:04:33] or whatever the fiance thinks, for them both to share it, then the fiance won't want it

[00:04:38] anyway because it's going to be different enough that nobody can pronounce or spell

[00:04:42] it.

[00:04:43] My word, some people just love to invite drama into their life don't they?

[00:04:47] They're getting so butthurt about this that you're insisting someone else change their

[00:04:52] surname.

[00:04:53] This is simply not the arsehole from me.

[00:04:55] You gave him an option, he can change his surname to match hers if he wants to.

[00:05:00] It's simply OP's decision to make and you know, I like that comment that says he can

[00:05:05] sit on it and rotate.

[00:05:07] Nikita says, when my parents divorced and my dad demanded my mom change her last name

[00:05:12] back to a maiden name, he told this to the judge.

[00:05:15] The judge laughed in his face and told him that's not his or her decision, it's my mom's.

[00:05:20] My mom told him that she didn't have his last name, she had my last name.

[00:05:25] The whole reason she wanted to keep it was to have the same last name as me.

[00:05:30] Not the arsehole.

[00:05:32] Stu says fuck him and don't be intimidated by him or his too young fiance.

[00:05:37] Out of interest, the use or non-use of the married name in divorce proceedings is that

[00:05:42] common?

[00:05:43] Divorced once myself and it never even got mentioned.

[00:05:46] OP says not sure if this is new or not.

[00:05:49] We agreed on everything in our divorce and we filled out the paperwork together.

[00:05:53] We hired an attorney just to make sure everything was filed correctly and the attorney had asked

[00:05:57] about my intentions for changing my name as he wanted to make sure it was documented

[00:06:02] correctly.

[00:06:03] My dogs mother says not the arsehole, it's not his name anymore, it's your name.

[00:06:08] If the fiance doesn't want to have the same last name as you, that's fine, she doesn't

[00:06:12] have to take his name, or they can change both of their names to Mr and Mrs Big Crybaby.

[00:06:18] But no, he does not have the right to force you to change your name.

[00:06:22] Your feelings don't matter less than hers, just because she's the new Mrs Crybaby.

[00:06:28] One final comment from Acceptable Garden who says not the arsehole but if he wants you

[00:06:32] to change your name, tell him all the kids have to have their last name changed to your

[00:06:37] maiden name before he will even start on the paperwork for you.

[00:06:40] If that is too much for him, which it surely will be, then ask him why it's okay for you

[00:06:45] to have a different last name than your kids but not for him.

[00:06:49] Stick to your guns, you sacrificed your name when making a family with him.

[00:06:52] If it was going to be a problem then he should have taken your name.

[00:06:56] For what it's worth, it's the reason I didn't change my name when I got married.

[00:07:00] I refuse to stop being me and also just way too much paperwork.

[00:07:05] So OP did come in with her update and said several of you have asked for an update on

[00:07:09] my ex-husband giving me a year to change my last name back to my maiden name because

[00:07:14] his fiance was uncomfortable with her and I having the same last name.

[00:07:19] I want to know what he gave her a year, what was going to happen after that year?

[00:07:25] What was this ultimatum he was throwing out here?

[00:07:29] And OP continues.

[00:07:30] I tried to link the original post but it is not allowing me to do so.

[00:07:34] And I'm not sure the best way to give an update so I will try this.

[00:07:39] To clarify the reason he gave me a year is because they are getting married sometime

[00:07:43] next year and wanted my name changed prior to their wedding.

[00:07:47] Anyway, my ex called me yesterday and said he had done a lot of research on ex-wives

[00:07:51] keeping the ex-husband's last name after the divorce.

[00:07:54] He stated he didn't realize how common this is, especially when there are children from

[00:07:58] the marriage.

[00:07:59] He also said this has been my last name for 17 years.

[00:08:03] My entire adult life has been with this last name and I have built a career with it.

[00:08:09] He basically acknowledged that every reason I had to keep it was legitimate.

[00:08:12] He apologized for the way he initially approached me about changing my last name and explained

[00:08:17] he is in a bad spot trying to make his fiancée happy.

[00:08:20] He also explained that she feels that by me keeping his last name must mean I'm still

[00:08:26] in love with him and this is my secret way of assuring we end up together again someday.

[00:08:33] I am informed this was not nor will ever be the case.

[00:08:36] Yes, I care deeply about him because I was married to him for 12 years and he is the

[00:08:40] father of my children and I want him to be happy in life.

[00:08:44] However, I fell out of love with him many years ago and that will not change.

[00:08:49] He said he informed his fiancée that he will not bring this up to me again and if she didn't

[00:08:54] like it, the ball was in her court to decide if she wanted to continue their relationship.

[00:09:00] Thank you all for the feedback on my original post.

[00:09:02] I never expected this kind of response and an overwhelming amount of comments and advice.

[00:09:08] The top comment from Red Rose on the update said,

[00:09:11] Call me a cynic but I can't help but wonder if him saying he did a lot of researches,

[00:09:16] code for he found your am I the arsehole post and saw that the comments were overwhelmingly

[00:09:20] against him.

[00:09:22] So many of us on the original post called it that the request itself and timeline of

[00:09:26] the request were rooted in the fiancée's insecurity.

[00:09:29] Regardless, I'm glad for this outcome for you.

[00:09:33] Edit

[00:09:34] And since people keep bringing it up, I can't reply to every comment because it's got

[00:09:37] more traction than I expected.

[00:09:39] It's been brought up repeatedly that Opie's original post was shared and discussed at

[00:09:43] length on other social media such as Facebook, TikTok as well as the Today Show.

[00:09:48] There was and is plenty of opportunity to see or hear about the post without being on Reddit.

[00:09:52] So you, not everyone who's on Reddit, the world doesn't revolve around Reddit people

[00:09:56] are kind of missing the point.

[00:09:58] Yes, not everyone is on Reddit and no I'm not overflating its importance.

[00:10:03] But plenty of Reddit content, including the original post show up elsewhere and plenty

[00:10:08] of people not on Reddit see it.

[00:10:10] I was reading about Reddit posts on Facebook years before I became a Redditor myself, but

[00:10:15] how far reaching the original post was, it's not outside the realm of possibility that

[00:10:19] the ex saw it somewhere or someone he knows did, possibly on Reddit, possibly not.

[00:10:25] And I agree with that comment.

[00:10:26] I've had plenty of people discover Reddit through these posts and become Redditors themselves.

[00:10:31] So there's every chance this guy has discovered this post through, I don't know, some other

[00:10:37] social media or maybe Reddit itself.

[00:10:39] And then, you know, this research is him realizing people are calling him an arsehole for it.

[00:10:44] And I'm sure people are going to call out the age gap on this one as well.

[00:10:48] And the way she's acting towards the ex and, you know, the children not liking her is kind

[00:10:54] of saying it all.

[00:10:55] And it's a worrying time for their relationships, I think, because is this new fiance going

[00:11:01] to continue to escalate the way she's treating the relationships in the ex-husband's life

[00:11:06] and potentially poison them?

[00:11:08] Not literally, obviously.

[00:11:09] But what do you guys make of this situation?

[00:11:13] Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:11:16] And let's move on to another story.

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[00:12:26] And our next story comes from a throwaway account from the relationship advice subreddit

[00:12:34] and says my female 24, husband male 36 has a whole other wife and child.

[00:12:40] Where do I go from here?

[00:12:43] This is a long and complicated story.

[00:12:46] I'm sorry if some things are confusing or don't make sense.

[00:12:49] I am a mess right now.

[00:12:50] I'm trying to wrap my brain around everything also.

[00:12:53] I met my husband Jake, fake name about four years ago on Tinder.

[00:12:58] Jake comes from a different country to where I am from.

[00:13:01] He was my type.

[00:13:02] When we started talking, I was blown away by how charming and sweet he was.

[00:13:07] This version of Jake never went away.

[00:13:09] He's always been this amazingly charming and sweet person.

[00:13:12] He's the type of person that when you've finished having a conversation with him, you feel better

[00:13:17] about yourself.

[00:13:19] Just to give you some context, he and I fell in love quickly and got married fast also.

[00:13:25] He was very eager to start a family as it gave his citizenship in my country more legitimacy.

[00:13:30] By our second anniversary, we were married and I was pregnant with our son.

[00:13:36] Jake still works in his home country and so every few months he flies back and stays there

[00:13:40] with his mother.

[00:13:41] Or so I thought.

[00:13:43] Completes the work required and then flies back.

[00:13:46] The rest of the work he can do at home.

[00:13:49] The last few years with Jake have genuinely been the most amazing years of my life and

[00:13:54] this is why the last week feels like such a fever dream.

[00:13:57] This is hard to explain but a person on Facebook messaged me last Tuesday claiming that Jake

[00:14:02] had been cheating on me and that they had proof.

[00:14:05] I genuinely didn't believe this person and at first just ignored them.

[00:14:10] But then curiosity got the better of me and I messaged back and asked what proof they

[00:14:14] had.

[00:14:15] They proceeded to send me a large collection of photos of Jake with another woman and two

[00:14:20] boys.

[00:14:21] I know these photos were relatively recent as he dyed his hair blonde for the Barbie movie

[00:14:26] at my request and has kept it like that ever since.

[00:14:29] The person told me that the woman in the photo was his wife and the two boys were his sons.

[00:14:35] I obviously didn't want to believe it.

[00:14:37] I tried to find ways it was fake.

[00:14:39] Photoshop, AI, whatever I don't even know.

[00:14:43] I think the person blocked me after that as their account just comes up as Facebook

[00:14:47] user now when I look at the chats.

[00:14:50] When I got home I confronted Jake and he started crying and confessed that everything was true

[00:14:55] and that he had a wife and two sons who looked to be about 13 and 9.

[00:15:00] But I could be wrong, that's just my best guess.

[00:15:03] In his home country that he was still married to the woman.

[00:15:07] I asked him how he could do this to me, how he could have lied to me for so long.

[00:15:11] I told him I was going to expose him to the other wife and he said not to bother because

[00:15:15] she already knows and supports him.

[00:15:18] I left and have been staying with my mother ever since.

[00:15:21] This has been the hardest week of my life and some days I genuinely haven't wanted

[00:15:26] to get out of bed.

[00:15:28] Jake has been texting me saying that he will break things off with the other wife completely

[00:15:32] if that's what I wanted and he texted me saying he thought I wouldn't mind which

[00:15:37] genuinely made me sob into my pillow.

[00:15:39] I have never felt so low.

[00:15:42] Part of me, stupidly I know, wants to take him back.

[00:15:46] The years I had with him were the best I've ever had but this betrayal is just...

[00:15:50] I don't even know how to explain the hurt I feel.

[00:15:53] Booperloop says he chose you because you were young and naive.

[00:15:57] He was charming and sweet because he was conning you.

[00:16:00] He had a plan the whole time.

[00:16:02] His wife is supporting him because he is bringing her and the kids over once he establishes

[00:16:06] residency.

[00:16:07] Edit.

[00:16:08] This is debatable as some commenters have pointed out but either way operating strictly

[00:16:13] off what has been presented here.

[00:16:14] If he has told his wife that and that was her actual response, that is likely to be the

[00:16:18] agreement that was forged whether or not he actually honors it.

[00:16:22] He is a user and he's still using you now because he believes he has control over you.

[00:16:27] Do not go back to this person.

[00:16:29] What you knew is not reality and he's counting on the illusion he created to be powerful

[00:16:34] enough for you to stay.

[00:16:36] You know what you need to do.

[00:16:37] You're understandably in shock but please get your family and friends involved to support

[00:16:42] you.

[00:16:43] You did nothing wrong.

[00:16:44] Please consult a lawyer ASAP to see what your options are because like others have said,

[00:16:50] fraud has been committed.

[00:16:51] Nun says forget about the cheating.

[00:16:53] If this is true, you've been used to commit fraud.

[00:16:56] You should be getting an attorney and reporting him ASAP.

[00:16:59] He committed fraud to get a visa and his wife back home is his partner in crime.

[00:17:04] And a final comment because a lot of them are going down that path of getting in contact

[00:17:08] with a lawyer from a reddit user who says reddit loves to jump to divorce him.

[00:17:12] It's always easier said than done.

[00:17:14] One thing I would encourage you to do is really sit back and think about how much manipulation

[00:17:19] had to occur for this to happen.

[00:17:21] How many phone calls was he hiding?

[00:17:23] How much money was coming out of your household to send to them?

[00:17:26] How many times did he lie about where he was or what he was doing?

[00:17:30] He didn't just cheat, he lied and lied and lied.

[00:17:34] For years.

[00:17:35] So while I understand that you love him, you don't seem to really know him because I'm

[00:17:39] sure the husband you love isn't a liar or a cheater or someone who would do this to

[00:17:44] you.

[00:17:45] So who is the guy you were married to because it's not who you thought it was and on top

[00:17:49] of that he's going to abandon his wife of presumably 13 plus years and has two children

[00:17:54] to be with you?

[00:17:55] Do you feel like that's the sign of a woman who has good morals?

[00:17:59] I don't know OP, but I would encourage some really deep thinking.

[00:18:03] The husband isn't your husband, you don't know him and you're romanticizing who you

[00:18:07] thought he was.

[00:18:09] On the back of that saying that he would divorce his other wife for OP, would he really

[00:18:15] or would he just hide this better until he gets whatever he needs to get his family across?

[00:18:21] I don't know the full ins and outs of the legalities of all this so I'm pretty ignorant

[00:18:26] about it.

[00:18:27] So OP did update their post and said hi guys first and foremost I would like to thank you

[00:18:31] all for the advice and support everyone has given me since I posted my original post 4

[00:18:36] days ago.

[00:18:37] It's been over a week since I left to go stay at my mothers and this time away from

[00:18:41] Jake had been so good and allowed me to see what was really important to me.

[00:18:46] Since I originally posted, Jake and I have been talking and he let me know he has broken

[00:18:50] things off with his other wife.

[00:18:53] Apparently it wasn't even a legal marriage thing.

[00:18:55] He explained to me that when he was a child his parents and his wife's parents arranged

[00:19:00] for them to be married.

[00:19:02] This happened when he was 7 years old by the way but it wasn't a legal wedding just like

[00:19:08] a ceremonial thing that links his family with hers.

[00:19:11] He said that he never actually loved her but was required to marry her or his father had

[00:19:16] to pay so much to his wife's family as like a punishment I guess.

[00:19:21] I felt really bad for him.

[00:19:23] I could tell he didn't want to be with her at all and was only doing it so his family

[00:19:27] were okay.

[00:19:28] Their relationship isn't real on either side which is what he was trying to tell me when

[00:19:33] he said his wife supports him but they are only married because they are required to

[00:19:37] be.

[00:19:38] I am so relieved now he has explained everything to me.

[00:19:41] He told me he won't be contacting her again but because of this we will have to send a

[00:19:45] small amount of money to the wife's family for the foreseeable future which of course

[00:19:50] is not ideal but it's better than the alternative of him going over to be with her every few

[00:19:55] months.

[00:19:56] I wish he just told me the truth from the start but don't worry I signed us up for couples

[00:20:01] therapy.

[00:20:02] I know this is not likely the result you guys expected or wanted.

[00:20:06] So many of you were so bloodthirsty for him without even understanding what he was going

[00:20:10] through.

[00:20:11] The thing that kind of concerns me now is what the relationship will be like between

[00:20:15] my son and his other half siblings.

[00:20:17] I think I would like to foster a relationship between them if I can.

[00:20:21] I'm just glad to be back with Jake.

[00:20:23] I love him so much.

[00:21:17] Not a real marriage yet there's half siblings.

[00:21:20] Opie says he had them before he even knew me.

[00:21:23] Commeter says yeah, it would have also been 10-11 when the oldest was born.

[00:21:28] Does that not shout red flag to you?

[00:21:31] Opie says what has that got to do with anything?

[00:21:33] He wasn't dating me then.

[00:21:35] Opie then edited before they deleted their account and says okay I'm out of here.

[00:21:40] You're all bigoted of other cultures and traditions.

[00:21:43] You know nothing of me and Jake and the fact that so many of you have tried to say he's

[00:21:46] a groomer shows how sick some of your worldviews are.

[00:21:50] Get yourself sorted and get your acts together.