Boyfriends Mom Accusing Me Of "Trying To Replace Her" r/Relationships

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[00:00:44] first story which comes from a monster in the kitchen and says, me 25 female with my boyfriend

[00:00:50] 27 males mum asked her to teach me some recipes and shit hit the fan.

[00:00:56] Hey all I'm at a bit of a loss right now.

[00:01:00] My boyfriend Dan and I have been together for a little over 2 years.

[00:01:04] No relationship is perfect but basically ours is as good as it can be.

[00:01:08] Little conflict, maximum happiness everything is wonderful.

[00:01:12] My family adores him, his dad seems to like me just fine but for some reason his mum Carol

[00:01:20] has never been too fond of me.

[00:01:22] I don't push too hard, I'm really respectful whenever I'm around her.

[00:01:26] I bring her gifts for her birthdays and holidays, she's never given me one, not that I care

[00:01:31] it's just kind of strange since I've been around for a while.

[00:01:35] Always tried to help out when I can etc.

[00:01:37] And yet she's always been fairly cold to me.

[00:01:40] Not outright rude and terrible, just cold.

[00:01:43] I kind of wrote it off figuring out she's just a tough nut to crack.

[00:01:47] Anyway, my boyfriend and I recently finished our master's degrees and were feeling bored

[00:01:52] with our jobs and figured what the hell let's move to a different country.

[00:01:56] When we told the families everyone was ecstatic for us except Dan's mum.

[00:02:02] Which wasn't really surprising, we both have jobs lined up so it's not like

[00:02:06] we'll be bumming around or anything.

[00:02:08] Not that there's anything wrong with travelling, I'm a huge advocate.

[00:02:12] So the only reason she's not on board with it is because Dan won't be living 25 miles

[00:02:16] away from her anymore.

[00:02:18] Even though it's a great opportunity for both of us and something he's been wanting

[00:02:22] to do for a while.

[00:02:24] We leave in a few weeks so we've been trying to spend time with them as much

[00:02:27] as we can.

[00:02:29] Dan knows about how his mum treats me and even though she's not rude to me

[00:02:32] he said he's talked to her about whether or not she likes me.

[00:02:36] To which she'll reply, she's fine and perfectly nice to her.

[00:02:40] So like I said, she's not terrible, she's just not great.

[00:02:44] To the point where I'd never ask Dan to bash her on anything.

[00:02:47] It just makes me sad because I want to be close with this family because

[00:02:51] they mean a lot to me.

[00:02:53] So I've been making some efforts to hang out with her.

[00:02:56] Anyway, we're over at his mum's house for dinner this weekend and I offered

[00:03:00] to help her in the kitchen.

[00:03:02] To which she reluctantly obliged.

[00:03:04] Now, she's a decent cook but in no way is she an amazing chef or anything.

[00:03:09] Never mentioned secret recipes or anything like that.

[00:03:12] But I thought it would be a nice gesture to ask her to teach me some of her recipes.

[00:03:17] So while I was chopping onions I said,

[00:03:19] Hey Carol, I was wondering if you would teach me some of your recipes.

[00:03:23] Dan loves your cooking and I would love to cook for him when we're abroad

[00:03:26] to remind him of home since I know he'll miss your cooking.

[00:03:30] Then she stopped and walked out of the room.

[00:03:33] It was super awkward so I waited around a bit.

[00:03:36] When she finally came back in, she started yelling at me about how I was out of line.

[00:03:41] She was saying stuff like, How dare you?

[00:03:43] You think you can replace me?

[00:03:44] And all this crazy stuff.

[00:03:46] I was completely shocked and dumbfounded.

[00:03:49] I immediately walked out and told Dan who was heading into the kitchen

[00:03:53] to see what the commotion was about.

[00:03:55] That I would be leaving.

[00:03:57] He told me to wait in the car because he was really confused.

[00:04:00] I sat there for three minutes when he came out apologizing saying his mom was completely

[00:04:04] in the wrong so we left.

[00:04:07] So here I am a few days later, confused as hell.

[00:04:10] I'm happy Dan stuck up for me but this situation is so ridiculous.

[00:04:14] I have no idea where to go from here.

[00:04:16] He's currently not speaking to his mom but has received texts from his dad apologizing

[00:04:21] and chalking his mom's freak out due to the stress of Dan leaving soon.

[00:04:25] I don't want to be the reason he severs his relationship or anything

[00:04:28] but I also feel disrespected over something so silly.

[00:04:32] Any advice on how to handle this?

[00:04:35] Now I think if one of my family members was moving to another country

[00:04:39] and I wouldn't see them as much anymore, I would find that sad as well.

[00:04:43] But the behavior that the mom is showing in this situation is absolutely ridiculous.

[00:04:48] It's one of those ones where we see quite often actually about the

[00:04:52] obsessive kind of behavior with their son and I'm glad that boyfriend stuck up for you in this

[00:04:58] situation.

[00:04:58] I think you just need to leave it as is right now.

[00:05:01] This is her problem to deal with.

[00:05:03] She's the one with the issue here.

[00:05:04] Mom needs to get in contact with you, apologize to both of you

[00:05:08] and then it's up to you whether you want to accept that apology or not.

[00:05:12] But at the moment she's on the verge of losing her son completely so

[00:05:16] you know she needs to fix this herself now but the finance he says

[00:05:19] she feels threatened that you're replacing her as the woman in Dan's life.

[00:05:24] That's why she reacted the way she did when you asked about the recipes.

[00:05:28] This is something she has to deal with on her own because she seems like a very

[00:05:31] overprotective mother that hasn't grasped the concept that her son is an adult.

[00:05:36] Hopi says thanks for your response I totally get that she may feel threatened

[00:05:40] that I'm taking her son away but I want the opposite.

[00:05:43] I think that's why I'm so hurt.

[00:05:45] The last thing I want to do is pull him away from his family

[00:05:48] and in an effort to get closer to her she pushed me away and accused me of something ridiculous.

[00:05:54] Cardinal says just no mother-in-law is full of these stories of loony

[00:05:58] mums who have unhealthy relationships with their sons.

[00:06:01] For the most part they are really funny stories.

[00:06:04] How dare you! You think you can replace me?

[00:06:07] This however is disturbing.

[00:06:10] I mean he is 27 years old already at least Dan stood up for you right away.

[00:06:14] Hopi says it's crazy to me because Dan always mentioned she was overbearing but not anything

[00:06:20] like this. Dan is super independent and just about as much of a mama's boy as any normal

[00:06:26] guy who loves his mother so this whole possessive thing came out of nowhere.

[00:06:30] It even freaked Dan out a little bit but yeah he's a great guy thanks for your response.

[00:06:36] And Vanity Pride Lust says it sounds like Dan's mum is having an episode of combination

[00:06:41] emptiness syndrome and massive jealousy. She feels like you're taking her son away,

[00:06:46] that she's losing him and that you're trying to replace her.

[00:06:50] Unfortunately there isn't much you can do.

[00:06:52] Dan's response was appropriate and should this sever some ties it's not your fault.

[00:06:57] If you really want to you can reach out to Carol in a non-confrontational way.

[00:07:02] Shoot her a thoughtfully worded email.

[00:07:04] But I would avoid apologizing as you haven't done anything wrong.

[00:07:08] Maybe something like, Carol I wanted to reach out to you to discuss what happened the other night.

[00:07:13] It was not my intention to upset you or make you feel like you're being replaced.

[00:07:18] We are both going to miss you and Dan's dad very much when we are abroad.

[00:07:22] And I was hoping to find a way to feel closer to you.

[00:07:25] I love Dan and being able to have a relationship with you is important to me because

[00:07:29] I know how important you are to him.

[00:07:32] Yeah and I think that might be a pretty good shout at the same time as well.

[00:07:37] Totally agree with not apologizing at all because like the commenter said,

[00:07:41] you've done absolutely nothing wrong.

[00:07:43] But possibly an email or letter and again OP doesn't have to do this at all

[00:07:48] with some heart to heart in there may just give her the kick up the ass that she needs.

[00:07:53] That you're not trying to replace her you're not trying to take him away.

[00:07:57] You want to be a part of their family as well.

[00:08:00] But OP does update their post and said hello it's me the monster in the kitchen.

[00:08:05] By the way my username referred to me I don't think she's a monster I just

[00:08:08] thought it was funny referring to myself as the monster.

[00:08:11] Probably should have clarified that.

[00:08:13] Thank you so much for all your responses.

[00:08:16] I logged out and came to an inbox swarming with support advice clarification etc.

[00:08:22] I really appreciate the time you all took to respond to my issue.

[00:08:25] Means a lot Internet strangers.

[00:08:27] Anyway I'm happy to say this is a positive update.

[00:08:33] I definitely sympathize with her because I know it must be scary to have your only child.

[00:08:37] Yes Dan is an only child as a lot of you guessed I was stewed to view Reddit pulled away by another

[00:08:43] woman even though we have completely different relationships.

[00:08:48] But regardless it doesn't excuse what she did so I let Dan initially reach out to her

[00:08:53] which I followed up later.

[00:08:55] Dan gave her a call and was very nice yet firm with her about how she treated me.

[00:09:00] Carol responded saying that she was really embarrassed and sorry and that she felt

[00:09:04] terrible and wanted to give each of us some time to cool off before reaching out.

[00:09:09] I initially told Dan that I wanted to send her an email based off

[00:09:12] Vanity Pride Lust the last comment that we read drafted.

[00:09:16] So he had told her that I would reach out when I was ready because I really

[00:09:20] wanted to frame the conversation rather than have her feel like complete crap for her outburst.

[00:09:25] So I sent her a text later in the evening and we met for breakfast this morning.

[00:09:30] She was so apologetic and cried and I said that although it did hurt me

[00:09:34] that I understand where she's coming from and I'm in no way trying to replace her.

[00:09:39] I respect her a lot because she raised my literal dream man

[00:09:42] so even though we may not be best friends she's doing a lot of things right.

[00:09:46] We hung out for a bit and ended things wonderfully with

[00:09:49] a redo invitation to cook dinner together this weekend. No recipes and hugged goodbye.

[00:09:55] All is right in the world. Thanks again for offering insight and perspective.

[00:10:00] You're the best. P.S. Dan is the best. Can't wait to lock that shit down.

[00:10:06] Any reddit is in Australia? See you soon.

[00:10:09] Couple of comments with replies so first one says good job being the grown up in

[00:10:13] the situation. I can't imagine I'd be able to forgive her crazy so quickly.

[00:10:18] Hope he says pick your battles I suppose. I love Dan enough to swallow my pride little

[00:10:23] and she showed genuine emotion so I figured it was for the best.

[00:10:27] Plus we'll be gone soon enough. Just kidding kind of regardless.

[00:10:33] I'm just glad everyone's at peace. The sour truth says

[00:10:36] start reading the initial post and you both are moving to another country on a whim and

[00:10:41] already have jobs there. How? Hope he says I should have been a bit more clearer.

[00:10:45] We graduated a few months ago and have been looking into it for a while.

[00:10:49] So we started job searching back in July and have been working towards it.

[00:10:53] It takes a while. Sponsorship, finding a place to live, visa apps.

[00:10:58] That's actually pretty easy but syncing it up with your workplace or that jazz.

[00:11:02] So it definitely wasn't that easy and that process wasn't too quick.

[00:11:06] And I like that update. A lot of comments were like I'm not sure I'd have been able to forgive it etc etc but

[00:11:13] you know people make mistakes sometimes. We see a lot of crazy mother-in-law stories where they

[00:11:19] just double down and continue to fuck up their relationships and everything explodes but this

[00:11:23] one where someone's taken a step back, they're genuinely seems like it anyway apologetic

[00:11:29] and wanting to fix things. You know OP isn't going to be around her very much anyway so

[00:11:34] and it sounds like they're going to get a little piece of what they were looking for while

[00:11:39] having their boundaries in place at the same time. Mother-in-law knows where she stands now

[00:11:43] I hope and things can continue that way but what do you guys make of this situation?

[00:11:49] Put yourself in OP shoes. Would you be able to forgive and forget or not?

[00:11:54] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below and let's move on to another story.

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[00:12:37] on the latest episodes without the ads. And our next story comes from a throwaway account from

[00:12:46] the relationship advice subreddit and says my 33 male wife's 34 females ex just died.

[00:12:53] He left the kid who isn't biologically either of us. How do I talk to my wife about taking the kid in?

[00:12:59] So yeah basically what it says on the tin. My wife Cara used to be married to a guy

[00:13:05] with which she has one kid, my stepdaughter Charlotte 9. I've always wanted to be a dad but

[00:13:12] I'm unfortunately unable to have kids biologically so I've been treating Charlotte like my own

[00:13:17] daughter and sharing her with love. After Cara and her ex broke up he had his son Levi 5 with another

[00:13:25] woman. Levi is not an affair baby. Cara's ex didn't even start seeing Levi's mum until a year after

[00:13:32] he and Cara got divorced. Last week Cara's ex passed away in a car wreck. From what I know

[00:13:39] Levi's mum won't take him in and Cara's ex has no close family who will take him in.

[00:13:44] Levi is currently staying in a foster home and if no one steps up Levi will become a ward of the

[00:13:50] state and enter our state's god awful foster system permanently. The other thing is that Charlotte

[00:13:55] loves her little brother so much and obviously she's devastated about her dad. I think that staying

[00:14:01] connected with her brother will help Charlotte through the grief and that staying with his

[00:14:05] sister will help Levi. The thing is Cara absolutely loathes her ex. Her split up was on

[00:14:11] pretty much the worst terms and the divorce was the messiest I've ever heard of. She once told me

[00:14:17] that if it wasn't for Charlotte she would have moved across the country and never thought about

[00:14:21] him again. I'm worried that she won't want to take Levi in because of his connection to her ex.

[00:14:27] I don't know to talk to Cara about potentially stepping up to take Levi in or

[00:14:32] if she might gravely be insulted if I brought this up. I know that Levi is not technically

[00:14:37] mine or Cara's problem but he's an innocent child and Charlotte's little brother and I would feel guilty

[00:14:43] if I didn't even try to take him in. The reason that Levi's mom can't and won't take him in

[00:14:51] is because she lost custody a while ago and has no interest in fighting to get it back.

[00:14:55] I don't know why she lost custody but I believe she's on the sex offender registry

[00:15:00] for something quite serious. Now I think a simple fact is that at some point you're

[00:15:05] going to have to talk to your wife about this situation. There's no way around it even just to

[00:15:10] relay your feelings on the matter you know that's your partner that's the love of your life that's

[00:15:15] someone that you trust with everything coming into the conversation with an open heart and

[00:15:19] just tell her that you're not trying to upset her in any way shape or form but this is just

[00:15:23] your feelings on the matter how do you feel and then see where she goes from there I totally

[00:15:29] understand where you're coming from in this and I think I would feel very much the same way

[00:15:33] especially with you know Charlotte and Levi being siblings but at the same time it's a huge

[00:15:39] undertaking isn't it but in the relevant comments Fox says well dude she is your wife

[00:15:44] we're just random strangers on the internet and this is a seriously large decision

[00:15:50] I would recommend just talking to her about it and seeing how she feels

[00:15:54] are you even able to take the child? Opie says well I've never been in my wife's

[00:15:58] position and I was thinking maybe someone with more experience could give me advice

[00:16:03] I love my wife but she can be a bit a save volatile when it comes to anything involved in her ex

[00:16:09] and yes we're able to take the kid in well financially at least

[00:16:13] comfortable search asks info needed did Cara have much contact with Levi prior to the accident

[00:16:20] if she did that might make things a little bit easier but you also need to go

[00:16:24] with that it's Charlotte's brother just think how you will put this and start by admitting to her

[00:16:29] that she may or may not like the idea there is a possibility that she's trying to figure out

[00:16:34] how to bring it up to you so think of it as making it easier to say what she wants

[00:16:39] I think you're going to do okay Opie says no she purposely didn't form a relationship with him

[00:16:44] so she'd have less attachments to her ex I actually saw the kid more often than my wife

[00:16:49] because I handle most of the childcare stuff with my stepdaughter which included pickup and

[00:16:53] drop off from visits with her dad Charlie Chuck says I'm curious what your relationship was like

[00:16:59] with your wife's ex it seems like you and him had a better relationship than your wife and him

[00:17:04] not saying you guys were buddy buddy Opie says he and I were cordial but if I'm being frank

[00:17:09] he was a massive douchebag my wife and I would have rock paper scissors sometimes to see who'd

[00:17:15] have to deal with him lol no gloves says do you think your wife will be able to be

[00:17:21] a loving parent to Levi the same way she is with Charlotte

[00:17:25] Visitely taking him in is only the beginning of the journey Opie says knowing my wife yes

[00:17:30] I think she would she may hate the idea or she may not but I don't think she's physically capable

[00:17:36] of hating a little kid once she gets to know him that's why she avoided forming a relationship

[00:17:41] with her ex's kid I think she didn't want to get too attached to someone adjacent to her ex

[00:17:46] but that's just my speculation of course Miller says what did the ex do for Cara to divorce him

[00:17:53] and man answer Opie says the better question is what didn't he do and is a man not allowed to

[00:17:59] sleep he cheated lied gas litter and they had screaming matches during the divorce he tried

[00:18:05] to keep my stepdaughter away from her he made things up about her in court to try and

[00:18:09] end the only thing he never did was hit her

[00:18:14] so Opie does come back into the post to give us an update and says so after reading through

[00:18:19] as many comments as I could I was even more nervous than ever about talking to my wife

[00:18:25] I was also even more convinced that this was a conversation I needed to have sooner rather

[00:18:29] than later I also tried to get more information about Levi's situation and why no one could

[00:18:35] take him from my wife they're called into Cara Levi's mom immigrated from another country and

[00:18:40] doesn't have any family here one of her ex's parents is in aged care and the other is unwilling

[00:18:46] for some reason that's for the rest of his extended family I don't know and neither does she

[00:18:52] but she did say that he's no contact with most of his family and has been disowned by a fair

[00:18:56] number of them someone may reach out in the future but it seems unlikely last night Charlotte

[00:19:02] was over in her friend's house for a sleepover so Cara and I had dinner alone together I started

[00:19:08] by bringing up how lonely I thought Charlotte was and how glad I was that she was feeling well enough

[00:19:13] to go over to her friend's house Cara agreed and I basically got straight to the point by saying

[00:19:18] how I thought she'd feel better if she could spend some time with her brother

[00:19:22] and asked if she might consider taking on Levi as a kinship foster Cara looked thoughtful

[00:19:27] for a minute before tentatively agreeing we're going to be taking steps to see about taking him in

[00:19:33] and at the very least setting up visits so that the siblings can see each other this is a huge weight

[00:19:38] off my shoulders knowing that she doesn't resent her little kid for her relationship with his father

[00:19:44] and that she was able to have a rational conversation regarding a topic related to her ex

[00:19:49] the last time we had a conversation about him I'd accidentally use a phrase that

[00:19:53] her ex used a lot during their fights and she got triggered by it she ended up storming out and staying

[00:19:58] at a hotel for the night so that she could calm down she's a lovely woman I know it might not

[00:20:04] seem like that from my post but she really is she had a really toxic and borderline abusive

[00:20:09] relationship which almost resulted in her losing access to her daughter so I hope that you all

[00:20:14] don't think of her as a monster there's a loving wife and mother with some trauma that she's

[00:20:19] trying her damnedest to work through with the support of a therapist and myself and we have a

[00:20:24] couple of comments with replies in a second but I'm glad op did mention that last bit at the end

[00:20:28] there because I didn't see her as like a monster like op's thought I thought you know she's got some

[00:20:33] trauma so I'm glad op did say it I didn't want to say after the first part I don't want to

[00:20:37] assume that someone's got trauma but from what it sounded like and and you know being triggered

[00:20:42] by her ex and the way she was it sounded like there was some stuff that was going on

[00:20:46] I'm glad she's seeking professional help for all that sort of stuff at the same time because like

[00:20:50] many of us she just seemed like someone who's been through some shit man and another random thought

[00:20:55] that popped up into my head like with her triggered responses to to some things like what if this child

[00:21:02] grows up to look like her ex without our effector in any way etc I'm not saying that they shouldn't

[00:21:06] take the child in not at all I think it's good but you know just having those things in

[00:21:11] mind to be prepared for it to talk it out in therapy etc etc and I'm incredibly happy for this

[00:21:18] outcome in the end for Charlotte, for Levi, and for you both at the same time I think it

[00:21:23] I think as as they get older they're really going to appreciate you both keeping them together

[00:21:28] you've done an absolutely wonderful thing but Caller says I'm so happy about this outcome

[00:21:33] your wife seemed like a lovely woman op says I know right I'm so thrilled my jaw hurts from

[00:21:39] smiling so much old dear says I'm glad Reddit didn't talk you out of this there were so many

[00:21:44] negative and pessimistic comments I was worried that you were going to abandon the idea op says

[00:21:50] no one short of my wife herself would convince me not to he's an innocent child who needs someone

[00:21:55] to love him ah don't start me off mate if anything Reddit made me more determined to try

[00:22:01] if I chickened out and never brought it up everyone calling me a saint completely undeserved

[00:22:06] but that's besides the point will be disappointed in me along with myself bloody onion ninjas oh dear

[00:22:14] but now I'm going to turn this one to you guys what do you guys make of this situation

[00:22:20] that will positive end in one video with the bloody hell's going on today Reddit

[00:22:25] let us know your thoughts down in the comments below and just a huge thank you from the bottom

[00:22:29] my heart for being here truly you're absolutely amazing and hopefully I will see you in the next

[00:22:35] one take care and much love

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