As Soon As We Started Living Together Fiancee Became A CONTROL FREAK r/Relationships

[00:00:02] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from, yep, you got me, which says, I'm wanting to call off my wedding because my fiance is a control freak.

[00:00:27] Background, I'm 32, she's 34. We're Catholic, she has three kids from a previous marriage. We were dating for about eight months, then decided to get engaged because things were going well. I felt like she was my person. She felt the same. I did great with the kids, we were both only getting older.

[00:00:47] We're supposed to get married in December, but I don't want to anymore. I moved in about a month ago to save money in the name of trying to pay off as much debt before the wedding so we can buy a house soon after. This is when everything changed. I feel for the worse. She instantly wanted a joint bank account. I didn't want to because I felt it had turned into a control situation. And it has.

[00:01:11] When I told her I didn't want to, she said, well, maybe we shouldn't get married. She controls every bit of the money and everything else down to what I eat. I have to ask to spend four bucks on medicine when I'm fighting a sinus infection. We aren't hurting for money. I make 75k after taxes. Backstory on my health.

[00:01:31] I have had ulcerative colitis since I was 20. Had my colon removed when I was 25. I literally had to eat more than I used to because I don't absorb everything like a normal person. She gets mad at how much I eat. I have to sneak food at work. I've tried to explain it to her and so has her mum, but she doesn't get it still. She tells me I have to work at least 70 hours a week, Monday to Friday, what I can on Saturday when we don't have kids. So we have extra.

[00:02:00] I don't spend money on anything. I use my personal money. So I have the amount of food I need. This was a fight to get what food I do have for work, proper nutrition and rest, which if I want to sleep in, I get fussed are super important due to my health. I mistakenly take something that was for the kids. I get in big trouble, even if it just cost a buck. Or even if I don't take some leftovers to work, so I try to leave for others so I'm not greedy.

[00:02:27] I get blamed for wasting food, even though she didn't tell me to take it and has yelled at me for taking too much. So damned if I do, damned if I don't, right? She shows little to no affection. I work 12 hours on my short days, around 15 on my long days. I have one or two short days a week. I'd like to feel wanted and desired when I come home, but I feel nothing. I don't ever get a hug, kiss or any kind of excitement when I get home after a long day.

[00:02:56] Some of the long days mean I don't see her for two to three days at a time. There's no sort of excitement. Just what more can you do around the house? Hell, I've even got in trouble for sitting down for 10 minutes when I got home one day because I need to use my time better. I take care of everything around the house, such as yard work, home repairs, doing everything else when no one feels like it. Heaven forbid me if I forget to do one thing after a long day. Getting help from the kids is a chore.

[00:03:25] I'm feeling used and much like I'm just here to give money. Do as much as I can and if I bring something up, it gets turned back on me. Am I crazy for not wanting to go through with this? We already had a talk about how much I can't live like this and it was good for a couple of days, then back to the regularly scheduled program. So I don't feel like anything will change ever. When we had the talk, she straightened up a bit, but over the next few days, she made jokes about what I brought up. So I feel like it meant nothing to her at all.

[00:03:54] I don't know what to do. It just feels like reading that now that you've moved in, the mask has slipped and she can show you her true self here. And, you know, you need to believe it and ask yourself, what are you getting out of this relationship in this very short piece of your life? It sounds like she's making your life absolutely miserable, financially and emotionally abusive. And I understand people can change, people do change,

[00:04:21] but it certainly doesn't look like it in this situation. It just feels like, you know, she might put the mask back on for a little bit of time until you're married and then you're even more stuck in it and then it can slip off again. One thing I always like to do in sort of lots of these situations that we read is taking it from different perspectives. So like if I was directly in front of the OP and they was asking me this, I would say, what would you say to a friend who was in your situation?

[00:04:49] It'd be horrific to see a friend going through that. But Love Kitten says, keep your dignity, move out ASAP and call this off. You're not a fourth child for her to manage. OP says, I'm glad you said this because that's exactly how I feel. A damn child. The thing she says to her children, she says the exact same to me and I'm never allowed to explain anything ever. She just wants to hear sorry and that's it. The thing she says to me, I'd never dream of saying to her.

[00:05:18] Love Kitten replies saying, it's clear she doesn't respect you but wants what you can provide for her. But she's not willing to give you a scrap of affection in return or even treat you like an equal partner. I'm sure it's disappointing but better to learn this now rather than after getting married. The elusive holograph says, come on man, you don't need Reddit to tell you the answer here. You know what to do. OP says, I know.

[00:05:43] I guess I just needed validation because every time I talk to her, it's made to feel like this is how it's supposed to be when there's kids and we need to budget and there's little to no affection because she gives it all to the kids and we're past the honeymoon stage. Elusive reply saying, it's not how it's supposed to be. She sucks and you'll be sentencing yourself to a lifetime of misery. Quietly get your exit plan in place and just get out. You'll find your forever person eventually.

[00:06:09] And then you'll look back at this and feel so relieved you got out when you did. OP comes back in a week later and says, we had an additional talk and some of you all stated that she will say what I want to hear. And then it goes back to the same old crap and you were 100% right. I've been playing the game and seeing her responses on things. She flips the responses to seemingly be different than they were when really she's just saying the same thing.

[00:06:35] For example, I explained that I was still hungry after dinner and she said word for word, I think you should just focus on not being hungry and you won't want to eat. So I just grabbed the water and went about my business. Like, are you kidding me? Right after we had the discussion about my body and my condition. I've got a plan together. I won't be able to enact this plan until Friday next week. The car we got is in both of our names, but I'm only on the loan as a cosigner.

[00:07:02] So I'm getting a rental because I can afford it when some psycho isn't controlling my money. And I'm loading everything I can in there and heading out of town while she's at work. I'll be going to my parents in the next state over. She won't be able to find me, which is good. So I'm just getting a new phone and number before I head out of town. I've got my direct deposit changed, new bank account, and while I'm at work, I'm calling to get her off my credit card and everything. I'm waiting for the payment to post the card from our joint account.

[00:07:32] Well, sometime next week. So I'm not stuck with the balance that's on there. I'm also pulling what money is rightfully mine out of the account before I leave and then taking my name off of it. There's a significant amount in there. I'm cutting my losses on what I've already paid towards the wedding and everything else. I don't want that money to take my new money. I'm expecting her to freak the hell out and blow up my phone, but I don't care. Just getting my plan together has been so liberating.

[00:07:57] On my way to my parents, I'm meeting a really good friend of mine who's been here through the whole process for lunch. Then on to my parents. I haven't even told my parents yet, so they don't know. I've got all these crazy ideas of things I want to do and will finally be able to do once I'm out and it feels so damn good. I can't wait. I don't know if I'm more anxious to get back to who I was or more anxious about her reaction. Either way, I don't care. I have to go.

[00:08:26] I comment her quotes, I think you should just focus on not being hungry, then you won't want to eat. And then says, how the fuck does someone focus on not being hungry? If my man is hungry, I feed him because I love him. Opie says, exactly. You'd think that, but no. I can see her watching me when we're at her parents. She even scolded me on the car one time because I ate too much chips and cheese dip when her mum made a huge bowl of it after church one day. Her mum has even told her to back off and that I need more food with my condition.

[00:08:55] She's told me before when her mum has made me food after church. Her mum is a saint and a retired nurse, so she knows. That I shouldn't have accepted, but on the inside I was happy. I was getting more food and it was damn good. Sheep's clothing is wool says, I've talked to aldermen in your position who didn't leave and many years later they are an absolute shell of themselves. Miserable and full of regret.

[00:09:20] They spent the only life we have to live as a prisoner because they didn't have the strength to stand up for themselves and walk out. You are doing the right thing. Please update us with the aftermath. Best of luck to you. Opie says, sad thing is, I already feel like a shell of myself. I look forward to work every day, even though it's long hours there because I can let my personality fly and be my normal goofy self and make people laugh. If I do it at home, I get told to stop because I act like a kid too much.

[00:09:48] I'm a big goofy kid at heart and love making the kids laugh and they enjoy it too. But she's not a fan. Reading and typing this post is liberating in itself. I can't wait to get back to who I really am. And there was some confusion around the car. Someone said to Opie about selling the car and Opie said, the hard part about this is we just made the first payment on the car. That's how new it is. It's a nice car and I can afford the payment. So hopefully she won't put up a fight with that.

[00:10:15] And someone says like, why are you leaving the car with the ex but still making payments? Opie says, sorry for the confusion. The payments will come out of the joint account, which I've stopped my direct deposits to. I'm leaving the car with her so she can't report it stolen. And I'm thrown in jail or something crazy. So while a rental is expensive, I can't afford it. So to rid myself of any possibilities, that's what I'm doing. But Opie comes in with what they title their final update and says, A few have already asked for updates so here it goes. All good news.

[00:10:45] I'm out and free and I feel great. I left early in the morning with as much stuff as I could. I went to the next town over and sat in the parking lot waiting for the rental place to open. So she wouldn't have a chance of browsing around town before work and find me. Before I got the rental, I got all my money out as well. After getting the rental, I went back to the house to get more stuff. She had, I guess, gotten the hint and locked me out of the house. But I got all my important and expensive stuff out. So that's good.

[00:11:14] I went back to the bank and got a printout of all the transactions from the joint account. And I was immediately pissed off. I had to ask for medicine, but there were so many Amazon charges. Charges for going out to eat. Transfers of money to different accounts and everything. But I had to ask to spend four bucks on medicine for a sinus infection. It looks like she was transferring money so I couldn't track it all. I gave the printout to my friend so she can get me a spreadsheet together to track everything easier.

[00:11:42] While driving down to my parents, four hours from where I live, I was able to get all my passwords to every account reset and removed her as an authorized user on everything. Also, before leaving, I got a new account and debit card and switched all that over. After meeting with my parents, I went to an old friend's. Someone I've known for 10 plus years but hadn't seen in two. Her mum made me a hell of a meal fit for a king. We later went axe throwing and had a good time.

[00:12:09] I spent the night there and her mum made me a really good breakfast. Her family is such a good family and they considered me a son so they were happy to have me over. Her mum asked if I just need a key to the house. This morning, I drove back to my parents and we went to a flea market and I was able to spend my money on whatever. On whatever I wanted and it felt so good. This is the life I want to live. Not a life constrained by a crazy person. I feel great. I'm doing great.

[00:12:38] Leading up to leaving, I was getting super anxious about it and having trouble sleeping. Hell, I saw my ex Monday and some Tuesday but because of my schedule, didn't see her for three days. No, I miss you. No, nothing. Just messages asking me to do things. Also, on the way down, she didn't try to contact me at all. I left messenger open and will until everything is buttoned up. But everyone else is blocked on everything. She did try to contact my parents but they didn't answer thankfully.

[00:13:06] I've got quite the road ahead of me to get where I want to. But it'll be an easier road to travel than what I was doing. I've already contacted a flight school and will be enrolling to get my private pilot's license in the next few months and I can't wait. It's been a huge dream of mine since I was little. This has been the best thing I've ever done for myself and my well-being. Looking forward to see where things go and where I can take it. Thank you guys for the sound advice. Only thing I have left to button up is the vehicle we bought. But I ran out of time.

[00:13:37] I've got a meeting with a lawyer next week to get it taken care of. Much love to you all. An OP dropped one final comment which was a month after that update and says haven't signed on since my last update. But we traded in the car we had together and I got myself something new, free and clear of her name. She had two friends show up to the dealership. A male friend and a female friend. Made me laugh because I showed up with no one. Finally got all my stuff as well. She waited till the last day of course.

[00:14:05] And there was a few people talking about how you can sit in that situation and think it's acceptable. You know. And the saying themselves, they know it's easier to say when you're not actually living in the situation. But Blue Stash came in with an analogy and says, There was a story about boiling frogs. That says something about how putting a frog in a cold water pot and slowly boiling it won't bother the frog. And it will die eventually from being cooked alive. I know first hand that abusive relationships are like that.

[00:14:35] The abuse isn't full at first. It starts as small comments. Things that you would either brush off or make you think, Well, maybe I'm in the wrong. It escalates until you're basically being openly abused. But because it was in small doses, you grow used to it. It's scary as fuck. How much shit can we as humans tolerate until we find the words and situation to make us say enough? Absolutely that. And I'm not going to say like, I've not said just get out in some of these stories before. Because I absolutely have.

[00:15:04] I'm probably wrong doing so as well. But what Blue Stash said is absolutely right. I've seen it myself firsthand. Not in particularly in marriage relationships. But like parent and child relationships. How living a certain way is normalized in your everyday life. And you grow up just like your parents. I know lots of people from growing up that's, you know, had certain things normalized for themselves. And, you know, they're just like their parents now. And, you know, it's incredibly sad to see.

[00:15:33] And growing up where I did, like seeing these relationships. At the time when I was younger, they were like, that was normal life around where I used to live, you know. And, you know, you didn't really question it. And like Blue said, abusers will do that over time. It just slowly increases until they have such tight reins on you that you can't escape. You think everything's normal. You think you question yourself. They will put on an act until they've got you. And it's just fucking heartbreaking. Honestly.

[00:16:02] I'm so glad that OP got themselves out of that situation. And they're following their own dreams now. I really do wish them all the best. But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys. What do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And let's move on to another story. And seeing as we're in the, you know, spooky month of Halloween.

[00:16:25] We found a little Halloween-based story from the Am I the Arsehole subreddit from OKInvestigator9891. That says, Am I the Arsehole for not getting special treats for a neighbor's kid who has a disability. Every year at Halloween, we give out chips instead of candy. My wife and I think it's fun for the kids to get chips to go along with their candy. We buy ahead of time at Costco, so there's always plenty.

[00:16:53] What we don't use will be saved up for things like barbecue later in the year, so people can have their own bags of chips. I have a neighbor, Debbie, who is really upset about the potato chips we give because her kid doesn't eat them. She thinks we should offer some other options to her kid because he has a disability. I don't think that's fair and I told her it's extremely rude to ask people who are giving out free stuff for Halloween to change things for just one kid. And I told her I'm not doing it.

[00:17:21] When a child comes and knocks on my door, he gets chips like everyone else. I let the kids pick the type of chips from the bowl that they like and I feel that's more than generous. Debbie said other neighbors are accommodating for a child's disability for Halloween and I should think of others. I'm older so I think a child should be grateful for whatever they get for free on Halloween and I'll expect special treatment for a disability when getting free items. Edit. My wife and I decided we don't want to deal with it anymore

[00:17:50] and we'll be donating the chips to the local school and churches for their Halloween party. Lights off at our house. Bloody cheeky so-and-so Debbie. Imagine turning up at someone's door before Halloween. And other neighbors as well just knock on each other. I'm hoping you can provide some additional options for Halloween this year. Like she's at a fucking restaurant. And I always found like part of Halloween as well is like not knowing what you're going to get.

[00:18:18] And you know you never eat all the candy because of course you're going to get something you don't like. That's what happens and then you trade it with your mates. That's just what you do. Not go around knocking on people's doors when they're giving you free stuff already. Not only requesting specific items. One of the funniest things happened when we was uh... I went as Jason from Friday the 13th. I had a hockey mask and I painted it and I had a... And I like made a handle so it looked like it was sticking out the eye hole and all that kind of thing. And we always went across the road to the uh...

[00:18:48] To the other houses because no one gave a shit where we lived. And of course we only went to houses with the pumpkins and stuff outside. It was a new thing back then. You know they started... You only went to houses with pumpkins because you know you didn't want to disturb older people etc. And there was a group of about 15 of us. So we decided it was like the street houses either side. So what we do is just we're separating and we go the opposite side of the street like you know five of each side. Or six and seven. I can't remember how many it was but... And I was on the opposite side to one of my friends.

[00:19:18] And we could just remember hearing him going bro. And the way he said it at first we thought he got something like amazing. And we was like oh god what'd you get? So we all ran across piled into the middle of this road to look in the bag. And it was sliced up carrots. Not even a whole carrot. It was sliced up carrots. Raw. We didn't complain. We just found it funny.

[00:19:49] They're not going to be taking part in it because of one person who's being overly entitled. It's just madness. And I'm sorry that they ruined that for you to be quite honest. But aggravating items is not the arsehole. So my kid is on the autism spectrum. And he only eats skittles, littles and sour punch bites. He will not touch any other candy. And trying to bribe him to taste it just leads to him gagging until he pukes. You are not responsible for accommodating every fucking kid on Halloween. You're a freaking person. Not some business and organization.

[00:20:19] Giving out free candy. The only accommodation I would ever think of asking for. Or would involve me, the parent, providing the treats. And just asking the neighbors to give my kid that thing. Nope. Nope. Nope. MD Thomas says you're not required to provide snacks for any of the children. If the kid doesn't like chips slash can't eat chips. He can skip your house. It's not like you're causing the child to starve. Not the arsehole. Martha says not the arsehole. This is some entitled neighbor.

[00:20:49] Part of trick or treating is sometimes getting something you don't like. Tell her she can skip your house. I'm older too and I put up with very little BS anymore. We actually quit giving out candy on Halloween because we have an arsehole dog. Barks non-stop for folks at the door and tries to escape. It's not worth the aggravation. Husband non-trained in while I still worked. Libby our last dog. I really hope that OP does have a thing and not let that one person ruin Halloween for them. Part of the fun.

[00:21:19] I love seeing the kids all dress up and have a good time and get candy. The area I live just seems to be growing year on year with it. As I said, people put pumpkins outside their house to say they're taking part in it. People seem to respect this for the most part. Which I think is a fantastic compromise. But there's one house about 5-10 minutes away from me who does like Nightmare Before Christmas. Like just goes extreme and it's got music playing outside the house.

[00:21:47] And you know there's just queues of people trying to go there and take photos. All the adults are dressed up as characters. It's just a good time. I like it. But anyway, what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Now just a huge thank you for being here today. Getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. Always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so so much for being here. And I will see you in the next one. Take care. And much love.