Am I Wrong For Telling My Late Wife's Family She Cheated And Tarnishing Her Name r/Relationships

[00:00:02] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. Very cheeky of you. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from imdone2244 and says,

[00:00:26] Would I be the arsehole if I told my late wife's family that she cheated on me? Anna, my late wife, died in a car accident. The person lost control of their car and ran her over and she passed away immediately. We were both 26 at the time. It was four years ago, right before the pandemic.

[00:00:47] We were having a bad time as a couple. She was extremely jealous of me and also very protective of her phone. Shortly after her death, I found out I had an STD. And surprise, surprise, she was cheating on me. On the day she passed, a guy we went to college and was kind of friends with sent her messages asking for pictures of their last encounter. And the way he talked, it seemed like it was recent. And it seemed like they talked often.

[00:01:14] I was able to get in her phone and laptop as she didn't change her passwords because she would always ask to check my phone and I would ask for hers back. So I had the password. There wasn't much because she deleted everything or hid it very well. But the most recent messages, she obviously couldn't delete them. So everything that came after her death was still there.

[00:01:36] While looking for the pictures he asked for, I found pictures of her and him in a raw file deep in a random place at her work folders at her laptop. In one of them, she had short hair, which she only had right after we got engaged. She was with him for at least three years out of our six years together. Also found pictures of two other guys. I had no idea who they are and there were no messages from either of them anywhere.

[00:02:02] I messaged the friend and told him that I knew, told him about the STD and that I won't reveal it to anyone and want it to be kept a secret forever. I asked him if anyone else knew and he said that his ex knew, but he would talk to her. I decided that for the sake of her parents and siblings, I'd pretend she was a great person and let them have their beautiful memories with her. Anna's older brother Thomas, 34 male, is a good friend of mine to this day. I would even go as far to say we are best friends.

[00:02:32] After two years of my wife's passing, I was ready to date again. Thomas said that he knew the perfect girl for me. He just wanted me to be sure I was ready for something serious before introducing each other. It was his sister-in-law, Laura, 27 female. We knew each other only superficially but never really talked before our first date. I fell for her quick and hard.

[00:02:55] We started dating and about three months in, we were already telling each other I love you's and I told her that I was going to marry her. It has been less than two years. We are engaged and I have never been this happy. I told her all about my relationship with Anna. I still have the evidence of what she did stored away in my computer just in case and I showed it to Laura. She cried little and comforted me, but I assured her I was fine and that I was over it.

[00:03:22] The problem comes with Anna's family, especially her mum and sister. Ever since Anna's passing, every time they talk about her, people want to hear me talk. They ask me about her, try and include me in conversations about her. Anna was such a good cook, right OP? I loved when she and OP would banter. You remember OP? Stuff like this. I was able to get by in the beginning by saying it was difficult for me to talk about her. That I was not ready.

[00:03:51] They had let me be for a while, but ever since I started dating Laura, I couldn't use the I'm not ready excuse. Her friends, sister and mum get annoyed if I don't sound enthusiastic or depressed. Learned that it's easier to look depressed. Also, if I talk about Anna in any way that isn't portraying her as an angel that came down to earth to bless us with her presence, I get side-eyed. Thankfully, Thomas and her father are great guys and don't push me too hard on this.

[00:04:18] Her dad is always thankful that I attend their family gatherings as we like to talk about our field of work. He always says he considers me a son. A mum and sister though. They get pissy if I try to dodge the topic of Anna and the sister even said it out loud once that it's obvious that I didn't love Anna. She apologized after, but I mean she isn't wrong. By the end I didn't and sure as hell don't now. Look, I'm over what happened. I don't feel hate for Anna anymore.

[00:04:47] I sometimes catch myself wishing she was alive just so I didn't have to pretend anymore. But also because her death was a tragedy. A lot of people loved her. Her friends organized a reunion for her birthday and those are incredibly hard. And even though I know her affair partner will be there, I go because I know how much she meant to those people. But this is all starting to get to me because it's affecting Laura. I can't say I love her in front of these people.

[00:05:14] I can't even hug her and Anna's sister gets all moody. Her best friend stopped speaking to Laura. They were also friends. Anna's mum even came to us at Thomas' birthday party last week and asked us to stop dancing to respect her grief. She also contacted my mum and Laura's parents to say that she was incredibly disappointed that I proposed to Laura so soon. Saying that we are moving too fast. It's been four years. Even if she wasn't a cheater, more than enough time has passed.

[00:05:43] I'm just over it and I'm seriously considering telling all of them what happened. Just to get the weight off my back. Would I be the arsehole if I did this? Absolutely not the arsehole but I think it's the way... I think if I was in your position, I would approach it in a way of talking to the brother-in-law. You know, he is your best friend and literally having that talk with him. Sitting down and saying, you know, how much you love his family and how much you've done this out of respect.

[00:06:11] But the truth needs to come out now because it's affecting your now life. They're not allowing you to move on. I don't think it matters how many years it's going to be. You know, at this point it's been four years. Which, like you said, is a long period of time to expect you not to be able to move on. And it's affecting both yours and Laura's relationship now. So, maybe it's time to take a step back from the mum and sister. I don't know, that might be a bit difficult for you.

[00:06:38] But I think in some ways this might destroy those relationships anyway. And I say that from their point of view in the way that they might react to this. Do I think it's right? No, I don't. But simply I think, you know, the truth needs to come out to her brother-in-law and he can relay the information how he wishes. But you shouldn't allow this to affect your current relationship. Throwing later says, I would honestly stop caring about what her mum and sister think. Maybe tell her brother just to explain why you'd be distancing yourself.

[00:07:07] And that's it. Not the arsehole. Current remote says it's hard because Thomas was his brother-in-law and it's also hers. That connection will never go away. But I don't know that showing him about his sister is the right thing to do. He could say, look, I loved Anna before but she's gone and we've accepted that. We helped Laura and I find happiness together and we're extremely grateful. So, can you please talk to your mum and sister so we can enjoy this new phase of life with you and not have to cut them out?

[00:07:36] This means he won't lose the support of the brother or the dad. The mum and the sister may keep themselves buried in this grief forever. But there's no reason to hurt the entire family. Just stay away from those two. Jovan says, I would actually like to see something like this done but specifically with Anna's brother. Best friend. Privately and respectfully. Something like, you know how much I respect you and how much you guys mean to me. So, I want to bring this up to you and see what your thoughts are.

[00:08:05] Before Anna's passing we were going through a difficult time and there were some unflattering things about her that came to light. I don't want anything to soil a memory for family and friends but I'm also concerned about the behaviour and responses that we're getting as my relationship with Laura progresses. How would you suggest I address these issues with people that are giving me and Laura a difficult time about our relationship? I would certainly tell them about what was going on with Anna but I don't want to cause any unnecessary pain. I respect your opinion immensely.

[00:08:35] I just need to protect my relationship with Laura from unnecessary negativity and would greatly appreciate your input. Then OP can follow brother-in-law's lead. That's a good way of putting it as well I think. And one more comment from Rwana who says, not the arsehole but honestly, it's past time that you establish boundaries and distance yourself from that family. They see you as a living, breathing connection to the person they lost. They will not be happy that you aren't willing to be that.

[00:09:01] I privately tell her older brother and maybe her dad and ask them to start running interference or tell mum and sister to back off. Tell them that you really don't want to speak ill of the dead but this whole thing is weighing on your mental health and you deserve to be happy with your new wife without Anna's shadow hanging over you all the time. So OP comes back into their post seven weeks later and says hello again. Sorry for not replying to most of you. There were too many comments and I wasn't able to respond to many.

[00:09:30] Thank you so much for caring though. I had used Reddit for advice on a work-related issue in the past and it was helpful. I feel like it came through again. Only updating because I received so many DMs asking for it and I hate when I read something and has no resolution. And as I think there is no harm in doing it, here I am. Something that I want to add because I didn't feel it was relevant before. But seeing so many people saying so many mean things about Anna made me feel like it's relevant.

[00:09:58] Just for some people to understand how I feel about her. Maybe it isn't relevant but I feel like saying it and putting it out there. Anna loved me. She really did. She wasn't some monster that wanted me to be miserable and make me a fool. I saw the way she talked about me to other people. She loved me. She was worried I would divorce her and was talking to people about how to turn around our marriage. How to put it back on track. The issue was that she had a kink. And I absolutely had no desire to partake in it.

[00:10:29] She asked a couple of times. Once early in the relationship and another time after we got married. And I refused unequivocally both times and was particularly judgmental about it. All the pictures I found were of those in those kink scenarios. So yeah, she was sexually frustrated and used those men to satisfy her kink. But she loved me. She was just very selfish. Dumb and reckless. I really believe this. And I say all of this because she was a really terrible wife.

[00:10:58] She cheated on me for years because of a fucking kink. But she was not a terrible person. She was only a terrible partner. There is a reason so many people loved her so much. I went with my gut feeling of talking to Thomas. Seems like a lot of people came to the same conclusion. That this was the best way to deal with this. Me and Laura went to his house and we talked to him and his wife, Laura's sister.

[00:11:22] I told them that I was only bringing this up now because mine and Laura's lives were being affected by the way people perceive me as Anna's husband. People want me to be a memory of her life when in reality, being reminded that I was married to her felt like a gut punch and I'm at my limit. But I kept on trying because I love her family and I know how much she meant to many people. I told them that I did not love the person she became when she died. That we were probably heading for divorce soon. Even without the things I learned.

[00:11:52] The only reason I didn't share it with anyone was because I didn't see a point to tarnish her memory and change people's perception of her. And it wouldn't matter to anyone. And it would only bring pain for those that loved her. Now though, this decision is biting me in the ass because I also have to act like she was perfect. The reason I told them this way was so they could opt in to knowing more if they wanted. But if they would rather stay ignorant to the situation, they could. Thomas wanted to know everything. So I told them.

[00:12:21] He asked to see the proof and I told him that the pictures were sexual and graphic. It was not a good idea for him to see it. He asked his wife to see them. I showed it to her and she confirmed to him that it was real. And they were really bad. She actually flinched looking at them. He asked if it was only one time. I told him it was three different guys and one of them went on for at least three years that I knew of. He was mad, cussed a lot. Not at me, but at the situation.

[00:12:49] I started to regret everything at that point. He said, fuck, why is she so fucking stupid? He called Anna stupid a bunch of times. He asked some time to think stuff over and went out. I left Laura and her sister talking and also went on the drive. About an hour later, Thomas called me and asked me to come back to his house. He and Monica gave me a hug. She was crying a lot. He asked me what I wanted to do. I told him all I want to do is move on from this and be happy with Laura.

[00:13:19] He told me that he would handle his mum and sister. That I didn't need to worry about them anymore. But I should just distance myself from his family and Anna's friends for a while. He said I'm his brother and that will never change. We all hugged it out and that was it. My ex-sister-in-law has since reached out and told me that she knew Anna was changed. She was cheating on me but thought we were working through it. Anna told her about a year before she died and said that she would come clean and try to work on the marriage.

[00:13:47] Now Thomas told her what happened and she has apologized a lot. She said that she has been basically ignoring her flaws ever since she died. But it has turned unhealthy for both her and her mum. She said she will help me with anything I need regarding this topic. Ex-father-in-law and mother-in-law don't know anything and we will keep it that way. I will try to make time to hang out with my father-in-law from time to time. And considering him and my new father-in-law are good friends.

[00:14:13] Me and Thomas have been talking about taking them fishing, golfing, maybe just going to a bar. Stuff like that. At least once a month. And as for my ex-mother-in-law, I just keep my interactions to a minimum. So yeah, I think it worked out well. Another thing is that Laura wants to speed up our wedding planning so hopefully we will be getting married in March or April. Before we were talking about having a long engagement. But there is no point in waiting. We both know what we want. And I am happy. Very happy.

[00:14:41] A couple of the top comments after this one. Ellie says your ex-sister-in-law sounds like a piece of work. Best of luck moving forwards. Opie says yeah. Honestly, I don't buy much of what she said. But if she doesn't mess with my life, I will leave it be. And on throwaway says Thomas is a good dude. Please you and Laura live your best lives together. Equal flow says Thomas. Newly minted member of the order of Omar. Ah, good old Omar.

[00:15:11] Quickly became a legend of Reddit didn't he? If you've never heard of Omar, Mike Reddit pretty much summed up that Omar story. And said there was a story about a group of college friends. One dude was cheating on his girlfriend. And most of his friends were keeping the secret. But a guy named Omar actually had a conscience. Tried to get his bro to see reason and tell the truth. Ultimately, he told the girl being cheated on what was going on. The girl being cheated on dumped the cheater. And Omar was praised by commenters for being honorable.

[00:15:40] I don't have the post saved. So I could be wrong or slightly off about some details. But that's the gist of it. I love how people get names like the order of Omar. Which I absolutely love. And then you got stuff like the Poonife. You got Mrs. Bucket. The pillar guy. Ogtha. Basically the legends of Reddit, right? And you know, I obviously read way too much Reddit. Because like I walk around in real life. And I hear someone say like, oh, he's a pillar of the community. And I'm like, oh, I wince at it.

[00:16:09] Or someone says, can you pass me the bread knife? And instantly my head goes, Poonife. It's wrong, isn't it? Or I see someone watering their garden. Or a sprinkler in the garden or something. And I think, oh, Mrs. Bucket. Her neighbor's around somewhere. But as always, I'm going off. I think this was a pretty good ending to this story all around. I think Opie's, you know, balanced that pretty well. If the mom and sister ever continue like, you know, give him in grief. He can take it up another notch if he wants to. And now the brother knows he's on his side.

[00:16:38] And it sounds like he's a good dude. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And let's move on to another story. Now, our next story comes from the Am I the Arsehole subreddit. It doesn't have an update as yet, but I was interested in the title of this one. It's from OtherEnthusiasm1993. And it says, Am I the Arsehole for entering and keeping the prize from a drawing when I'm not the intended demographic?

[00:17:08] This is honestly just silly. Also throwaway because this is kind of specific. And I don't want people I know to recognize it and find my main. I'm 36 female, if that matters to anyone. Over the weekend, my town had a Bologna Fest. No, apologies about that pronunciation. No, I didn't spell anything wrong. Yes, I'm from a redneck Midwest town. It was kind of a trunk or treat with little games the kids could play. Kinda cute. While my kids were playing one of the games,

[00:17:36] someone asked me if I wanted to enter a drawing. Why not? So I did. Well, I won because the universe wanted a laugh. It was for a perfect date night. This is the part where I mentioned that I'm divorcing my cheating husband and I'm not dating anyone and have no interest in dating anyone. The prize was a fire pit. A $50 gift certificate to an Italian restaurant. A $10 gift card to a florist. Two Halloween themed plush blankets. A nice scented candle.

[00:18:06] A picture frame. And a box of chocolate. The kids and I can enjoy an evening roasted marshmallows over the fire pit. They each got a cute blanket. We all enjoy hot chocolate. The Italian restaurant has a kid's menu. So the three of us can go one night. Overall, it's a prize that I can enjoy with my kids. One of my friends, also single, said I shouldn't have even entered and at least should have turned down the prize since it was meant for a couple and I'm happily unattached.

[00:18:33] She said it goes against the spirit of the drawing. So Reddit am I the arsehole for keeping a date night prize to enjoy with my kids instead of a partner. Editing in case it makes a difference in the judgement. The whole festival including the drawing I won was free. It was something for Kraft Foods and some local businesses to promote themselves. It just sounds like jealousy from your friend for me. My initial reaction when it said your friend got involved, my first reaction was just like Oh piss off will ya?

[00:19:01] And look, it said that you're divorcing your cheating husband so I assume it's fairly recently this has all come to light. So why wouldn't your friend be happy for you that you've won a prize? Are you going to get to enjoy something with your kids? That'd be my first thought if a friend won a prize like that. It's like yeah you crack on mate. You know you enjoy the gift certificate, the Italian restaurant, the fire pit and you just good on you you know. But extinct Diplodoka says not the arsehole.

[00:19:29] The prize was billed as a perfect date night and not a perfect romantic date night. This does give you and your kids a perfect date night. Congratulations. Your friend should be happy for you but she seems to be motivated by envy. The contest runners didn't check that you met particular requirements and don't seem unhappy at the results. Your idea of a perfect date differs from hers. But she doesn't get to gatekeep how you choose to date. Ignore the envy and enjoy.

[00:19:56] All that aside, the fest was aimed at families with kids. So you certainly were the target demographic. Okay position says not the arsehole. The universe didn't want to laugh. It wanted to give you a nice little lift in the middle of all that you're going through. Hope you all enjoy the hell out of it and tell your friend, Nina Nina. If there was any Bologna with the prize, give her that. And most of the people were very supportive of OP in this and saying, you know, just enjoy the price

[00:20:25] and quite shocked at the friend's behavior that a friend would act this way. And it does. It just sounds like jealousy to me. But what about you guys? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Now, just a huge thank you for being here today. Getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so, so much. And hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love.