Am I Wrong For Cancelling My Daughter's Senior Trip After Discovering Her Cheating? r/Relationships

[00:00:01] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from DinoJars from the Am I The Arsehole here subreddit and it says, Am I The Arsehole for grounding my daughter and cancelling her senior trip after I found out she was cheating on her boyfriend?

[00:00:32] I have two daughters, Lizzie, 17 female and Mackenzie, 14 female. Their dad and I divorced a few years ago after I discovered he was having an affair. I have the kids most of the time and the dad has them every weekend and during the summers. Lizzie has been dating Jacob, 18 male for over a year now. Jacob is constantly at our house. He's a sweet, good young man and I believe he'd be valedictorian of their class.

[00:01:01] However, a few weeks ago, I ever heard Lizzie on the phone with a guy, clearly flirting. At first I thought it was Jacob, but then I heard her say, Brandon. I realized she was talking to someone else. And a week later, she mentioned to me that she was heading out to hang with a friend. When I looked out the window, I saw her get into a car and greet a guy with a kiss. It wasn't Jacob.

[00:01:25] Even after that, Jacob continued to come over, hanging out with Lizzie. He and Lizzie still acted like a couple, holding hands, laughing and spending time together. I felt disgusted knowing my daughter was being a two-timer. After Jacob left that day, I confronted my daughter. I asked her point blank, are you cheating on your boyfriend with another guy? She said it was none of my business and that her personal life was hers only.

[00:01:54] I told her that she was wrong and that I raised her better than to treat people like this. She told me she was bored with Jacob and that Brandon was more her type now. I told her that if she wasn't happy, she should just break up with Jacob. She said she didn't know if she wanted to be with Brandon or she was just having fun flirting and teasing. I told her cheating was unacceptable and wrong. And as a consequence, I grounded her.

[00:02:18] I also told her she wasn't allowed to go on a senior trip with her friends. She obviously did not take that too well and has been at her dad's place for the last couple of days. Mike's husband called me, saying I was being unreasonable, not letting her go on the trip and that her and Jacob was just a high school thing. He then told me I needed to put my bitterness aside and stop punishing his daughter. I told him I was teaching our daughter right from wrong and actions have consequences.

[00:02:46] Valuable Big asks OP, they said, is your daughter aware of the reason for the divorce? OP says yes. The commenter says I'd recommend explaining that since cheating broke the family. You won't under any circumstance tolerate her cheating on her boyfriend and emphasize the strain it puts on your relationship with her. Explain the pain you felt after finding out that the ex-husband's affair and how her boyfriend deserves none of that just because she feels bored.

[00:03:11] You could also say that she's entitled to her own decisions, but her cheating severely disappoints and hurts you. Of course, you know your feelings better. But I tried to give a rough framework for letting her know the actual weight of her actions. Heartbreak for boyfriend and a major problem in her relationship with her mother. Make her think about whether the momentary excitement is really worth the cost. This should work better than punishment. Or at least in the long run.

[00:03:39] Sassy Pants says her wording was interesting. I almost feel like she asked her dad why she cheated on her mom and that this was his response. My nephew did something similar after his parents divorced and it was like he opened his mouth and his father fell out. The commenter says she'll probably learn to be better at cheating. What you're doing is not wrong, but I don't think it'll work. Two Dogs Life says, I'm probably older than you. Here's where I'm at.

[00:04:05] Cheating is a selfish, thoughtless thing to do to someone you ostensibly care about. However, dating is a personal journey and your daughter is in high school. I think discussion about her bad behavior is fine. Maybe even asking how she'd feel if Jacob was seeing some other girl on the side. Perhaps even thinking about telling Jacob the truth when he next comes by. However, a bad behavior with a boy isn't something to be grounded over. You're taking out your hurt and anger at your ex out on her.

[00:04:33] That's not fair or good parenting. She's too old for that BS. If she was texting and driving, you would take her car keys because of safety. Staying out past curfews gets a phone taken. Being a bad girlfriend isn't a safety issue. And if you failed as a parent and she doesn't get it, that cheating is bad. Grounding her isn't going to teach her a lesson. Except that you overreact and have anger management issues. Teens do stupid, selfish things. It's part of being hormonal and a young adult.

[00:05:02] Most will grow up and grow out of such behaviors. And five or ten years down the line, she might very well be ashamed of herself. Only My OP says, not the arsehole. Your post sounds like Lizzy's a daddy's girl and he's been greenlighting her behavior. OP says he's definitely the fun parent. Dad gives them money and takes them on trips while I do the actual parenting. My youngest needed a physical exam for soccer tryouts and he couldn't even be bothered to do that.

[00:05:30] Amy Lucy says, maybe it's time for dad to take Lizzy most of the time and you enjoy her presence during the weekend and summers. I'd hate for her to influence the youngest to behave in such an unscrupulous ways. Good luck OP. You're a great mom. Maybe even consider telling Jacob or his parents about Lizzy's actions. When I got cheated on, I wish someone had told me sooner. But sometime later, OP did come in with her update and they said, I received a lot of good advice from my original post and wanted to provide an actual update.

[00:06:00] My daughter has been at her dad's house since my last post. I called her saying I'm reconsidering cancelling her senior trip. But she needs to tell me what's going on with this new guy, Brandon. She reiterated that it's not serious and she's just having fun. I told her she needs to decide which guy she wants to be with. She said she doesn't want Brandon, but he's fun and Jacob can be too serious and controlling. She likes how chill Brandon is.

[00:06:26] She kept saying she doesn't understand why I care so much that I'm supposed to be on her side and that I'm acting like Jacob is my child and not her. I told her this wasn't the issue. The issue is that cheating is wrong and she's hurting Jacob who she claims to love. She says she's not hurting him because he doesn't know about Brandon. I told her she's gonna have to tell him and only then will she be allowed to go on a senior trip. She said she couldn't do that.

[00:06:53] She still wants Jacob, but he can be annoying sometimes and she needs a change of pace. I told her it was wrong to use both of these guys. I asked her if Brandon goes to the same school and she said no and that he isn't in school at all. I tried pressing her on how old Brandon is, but she wouldn't give me a clear answer. She just kept saying he's not that much older, but not in school. After the call, I contacted my ex-husband to express our concerns about this new guy and how secretive our daughter is being about him.

[00:07:23] He told me I need to stop being a helicopter parent and let our daughter make her own mistakes and decisions about her love lives. I told him we don't know anything about this Brandon guy and how can he not be concerned about him? He says he trusts our daughter and that she's nearly an adult and that I'm just being controlling and projecting my issues onto her. I told him with how little we know about this Brandon and her not willing to at least break up with Jacob, there is no way she's going on the senior trip.

[00:07:51] My husband got upset saying I cannot make these decisions on my own and that she is his daughter too. He then told me he'd be paying for the full senior trip and that I need to back off if I want our daughter to ever come back home. Andoratastic says to OP, I think your mistake is you're speaking to your daughter about this in terms of how bad it is for Jacob. That's why she thinks you're acting like Jacob is your child and you're not on her side. You need to explain to her about how your concern is about what behavior is doing to her

[00:08:20] and your concerns about how she's going to get hurt when this blows up in her face. Specialist says this, she's also hurting herself. Doing the wrong thing becomes easier the more you do them. You corrupt yourself. Mayuki M says, Your daughter learned from your ex that cheating is not a big deal. And many people commenting on your post seem to think it's not your responsibility to teach your daughter right from wrong. I don't know if canceling the senior trip is the right move,

[00:08:48] but I do know that your daughter doesn't deserve to have a partner if this is how she treats them. Crazy Leadership says, Let her live with her father. Let him deal with her sneaking around with an unknown man and the consequences that can happen from it. But that was the end of that one. What do you guys make of that situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Let's have another story. Our next story comes from PurpleWoe1 who says,

[00:09:18] Would I be the asshole for not wanting to participate in my family's one gift swap Christmas idea?

[00:09:52] So, last night, We're planning to get together sometime after Christmas so we can all see each other, but it's not the same. Anyway, while we were talking, Dax brought up the idea he's really excited about. He wants us all to spend $50 on a single gift, wrap it up in neutral wrapping paper, and then do a gift swap. The way it works is the first person picks a gift, and each other person after can either pick a gift or steal an unopened one.

[00:10:20] At the end, the first person gets one last chance to swap with anyone if they want. The thing is, I really don't want to do this. To me, Christmas isn't about receiving gifts. It's about giving them. I love spending time picking out something thoughtful for each person. Something I think will genuinely make them happy. Seeing their reaction means a lot to me. This one gift swap thing just feels too impersonal, and honestly, kind of corporate. And before anyone asks,

[00:10:49] no, my brother isn't tight on money. He's actually pretty well off. Much more than me. But that's not the point. So, would I be the asshole if I told my brother I'd rather not participate in his gift swap idea? I still love to give everyone personal gifts, but I just don't want to do this in personal gift exchange. It just doesn't feel right to me. In the same post, Opie edits and says, wow, I wasn't expecting so many replies, and I can't respond to everyone. So, I thought it'd be best to put this all in an edit.

[00:11:19] Anyway, everyone in my family is pretty well off, including all of Dax's in-laws, Leif and his in-laws, etc. Leif and his wife, who aren't really into the idea of doing White Elephant this year, and neither are my mum or stepdad. We all know how complicated Christmas gets as the family grows, and would honestly prefer to do Secret Santa instead. Also, just for context, Dax's mother-in-law is outright refusing to participate in White Elephant, and is insisting on an expensive gift instead.

[00:11:48] If she doesn't get one, she won't come to their Christmas celebration, which is just adding to the drama. My brother Dax can be very controlling, and most of the time we just let him have his way, because it's easier than dealing with attention if he doesn't. He tends to make everyone uncomfortable if things aren't exactly how he wants them. My mum also isn't thrilled about doing White Elephant, because of what happened last year. She and my grandma booked a holiday home in Salem for Christmas, with my mum covering about 90% of the cost,

[00:12:16] and my grandma pitching in around 10%. But then my brothers ended up giving our grandma a gift to thank her, while giving nothing to our mum, who had covered most of the expenses. To make it worse, Dax and Leif both got their mother-in-law's expensive gifts, but didn't even think to give our mum something small. My mum isn't materialistic at all. She'd be happy with just a thank you card. But that's part of why she's not on board with White Elephant this year. For me, I'd rather skip getting a gift altogether, and end up with something I don't want.

[00:12:46] So this year, I've decided to focus on gifts for my partner. It's her second Christmas with us, and her family doesn't celebrate. As well as gifts for my mum, stepdad, grandma, and all the nieces and nephews. At the end of the day, we just want to find a middle ground that works for everyone. We're hoping Dax can feel satisfied too, but we'll see. I'll keep you updated on any compromise, or what ends up happening in December. So sometime later, OP comes in with an update, and says, so I posted here a while back about this.

[00:13:16] Shares the link to the previous post, and says, well buckle up, because here's the update. You can find the original on my page. Then gives a recap, and then says, what went down? A few days ago, grandma told us, Dax had something important to share. Turns out, it was him rehashing the white elephant plan, complete with rules, and not like, what do you guys think? More like, this is what we're doing, no discussion. Here's the thing about Dax. He's a control freak. Last year, he strong-armed us into Secret Santa,

[00:13:46] which most of us hated, but didn't challenge, because you don't mess with Dax. This year, I decided to grow a spine, and said, hey, this isn't fun for most of us. White elephant feels corporate, and joyless. It's not what Christmas means to our family. They even suggested sticking to Secret Santa, if the issue is cost. Apparently, this was a blast for me. The fallout. Not long after, my mom called me in tears. She admitted, the white elephant idea, made her feel awful. She said,

[00:14:15] it hurts that her sons, don't want to buy her a Christmas gift anymore, especially when she does so much for everyone. She then went full mom mode, in the group chat. One, she said, she doesn't like the white elephant idea, because she loves personal gift giving. Two, she directly asked Megan and Blair, if they plan to skip individual gifts, for their own family too. Both Megan and Blair said, oh no, we're still getting individual gifts, for our families. Cue mom's second call to me, angrier, and sadder. She feels like,

[00:14:44] she's being treated, as a second class family member, by her sons, who put effort into gifts, for their in-laws, but can't be bothered for her. And honestly, she has a point. My brother's either, by her last minute junk, or forget entirely. Maeve and the stepsisters, joined the rebellion. I called Maeve to vent, and she was fuming. She'd been budgeting over $300, to get thoughtful gifts for everyone. First Christmas with my family, wants to make a good impression. She said, if it's going to be white elephant, it's a waste.

[00:15:13] Her gifts won't even go to the right people. Meanwhile, my stepsisters, Edie and Tatum, jumped in to say, they also hate the white elephant idea. Edie even called it, lazy on Dax's part. Hero. Dax, feeling the heat, proposed a vote. White elephant, or secret Santa? By this point though, I was done. I dropped out entirely, and so did Edie, Tatum, Maeve, mom, stepdad, and grandma. Enter Blair, the plot twist queen.

[00:15:41] Blair suddenly chimed in, with a new idea. Since so many people are dropping out, let's just do gifts for the kids. She framed it like a compromise, but really it was her way, shutting down the adults entirely. Dax, Leaf, and Megan jumped on board, and Dax declared, Christmas is only for kids. Okay, sure Dax. Where things stand. So now, it's chaos. Mom, Maeve, Edie, Tatum, and I have decided, we're exchange gifts with each other.

[00:16:10] We're still getting presents for the kids, but because they're innocent in all of this. But Dax, Leaf, Megan, and Blair, they're getting nothing from us. Christmas plans are totally up in the air, and honestly, this whole thing has killed the holiday vibe for me. It's a mess, and while it's not the resolution I wanted, at least I know, who's on team Christmas spirit. Final thoughts. If Christmas is just for kids now, then Dax, Leaf, and Megan, and Blair can go be kids together. Meanwhile, I'll be over here with my mom, stepsisters, Maeve,

[00:16:39] celebrating with love, laughter, and thoughtful gifts. So yeah, not the happy update, but there it is. Thoughts? Am I still the a-hole? Also, any tips for surviving awkward family Christmas dinners would be much appreciated. Opie comes in with another update and says, holy freaking shit. My brother might be in debt. I'm at work right now, so sorry for any grammar mistakes. I'm literally typing this on my phone while heading back to my desk, but yeah. So yeah,

[00:17:07] Dax finally came clean to my mom about why he's been pushing the whole secret Santa thing last year, and this white elephant deal this year. Turns out, he's drowning in debt. Apparently, Dax and his wife Megan have been spending like they're loaded. Fancy vacations, high-end crap, you name it. They've also maxed out their credit cards, trying to live like they're in a real Housewives episode. Now they're up to their eyeballs in debt. Dax admitted to my mom that he's dealing with some heavy PTSD,

[00:17:34] and said he's going to start therapy because he's lost and doesn't know what to do. My mom told him straight up, you gotta quit blowing money like this and walk away from the stupid deal on the new house they're trying to buy. But Dax being Dax, he's not listening. He's terrified his friends and co-workers are going to judge him if he doesn't keep up this whole rich guy act. Like dude, nobody cares as much as you think they do. Egos are wild, huh? Look, I feel bad for my brother, I really do. But at the same time,

[00:18:03] how do you spend money like it's monopoly cash and not even think it's going to catch up to you? Still, I wish I could help him. I can't help financially. I don't make much, but I can at least help him and Megan with the kids, so they can maybe figure this mess out. As for Christmas, I tried to be petty. I thought about only buying gifts for family members, not doing this white elephant nonsense. Plus my nieces and nephews. But my guilt kicked in, so I ended up getting something for Dax, Megan, Leaf and Blair too. I know they're probably not going to get me anything,

[00:18:33] but whatever. Christmas isn't about presents anyway. I just hope Dax wakes up from this and learns to stop spending money he doesn't have. But I can't say that to him, you know? Younger brother and all that. Anyway, holy shit, there's another update I'll post. Hope you guys have a good holiday. Con for America says, you're the arsehole. No gifts for anyone would have been better. You're just enabling the toe of them. Opie says, you can see it that way, but like I said, I don't care if I get gifts or not.

[00:19:02] I just like giving personal gifts. I love buying things for people because gift giving is my love language. The whole point of my original post was that I was upset my brother was taking away my choice to buy gifts for people and trying to dictate what everyone else does. I didn't want to do a white elephant exchange because I didn't like buying generic gifts. I want to get each person something I know they're like, not something that I'd just sit on the shelf collecting dust or get re-gifted to someone else. Like I said, I love buying gifts for people.

[00:19:31] I'm not in it for what I get in return. P.S. I'm going to do everything I can to help my brother and his family. I'm planning to pick up extra job or two so I can make some more money and help him out with his debt. This is what I've always done. I help my family and friends get out of their debt messes because my main to love language is a gift giving and acts of service. Of course, I don't want my brother to suffer but I do hope he sees this as a learning experience and appreciate what he has. Chaotic Good says, so not only are you enabling them,

[00:20:01] but you're getting a job to help them from their own mess. Hope you're a troll because you're an idiot if not. Opie responded saying, look, it's a complicated situation. I've always been the kind of person who wants to take on everyone's problems, figure out what's bothering them and fix it. I'm a fixer. That's just how I am. I worry about Dax. We didn't have the best relationship and we didn't talk much after he moved out seven years ago. But whenever he's had trouble, I've done what I could to help. I'm worried he might start drinking again because of the mess and depression.

[00:20:31] He's been sober for two years now and I'm really proud of him for that. But I don't know what to do. Part of me thinks I should step back and let him handle this himself since he's the one who got himself into this mess. But another part of me just wants to fix it all, figure it out to make everything okay. Honestly, I feel like crying because I feel so bad for my brother. I don't want to enable him. But I also don't want him to suffer. Nothing about this is black and white. It's all shades of grey.

[00:21:00] Opie then came in with what they titled their final update, but it's not. Just to let you know. This will be my final update on this post and honestly, probably my last post on Reddit for a while. I'm planning to sign out and focus on dealing with everything going on. It's super late here and I just got back from seeing my mum. Apparently someone sent her the post and she told me she was disappointed. Not in a harsh way, but because I've been carrying the weight of trying to fix my brother Dax issues all on my own.

[00:21:27] I don't know why, but hearing her say it made something in me finally break. I realised I've been struggling so much internally without even noticing. My mum said she could tell something was wrong because I've stopped eating properly and in her words, look like a Victorian child. I didn't fully realise how much stress I've been carrying until now. She reminded me that it's not my job to take on all of this. She also said that Dax, as stubborn and impulsive as he is, will figure out his own mess in time.

[00:21:55] On top of that, my mum has been talking to Dax directly about everything. She suggested that he and his partner consider backing out of the house deal and looking for somewhere cheaper. She reassured him that no one would think any less of him for doing so. As for the Christmas situation, we've decided to cancel the gift swaps with the original group that we wanted to do the white elephant exchange. I'm planning to save the gifts I had for them and give them out on their birthdays instead. I've also made a big decision to step back from my family for a while

[00:22:23] and focus on moving forward with my plans to relocate my job to Zurich. I care about Dax and always will, but I need to start being less selfless and more selfish about my own life. Dax is smart. They figure things out. I'll be there to support him emotionally and morally, but I've decided I can't support him financially anymore. Thanks to everyone who's followed along and offered advice. I've made another big decision to check myself into therapy to address the depression and mental health struggles I've been ignoring for years.

[00:22:52] It's time to stop pushing that aside and finally deal with it. Take care everyone. So Opie comes in with one more update sometime later and says, So I think people have been wanting updates on the white elephant situation. We all met up on December 26th and Dax actually got us a gift. But it wasn't individual gifts. It was a household gift. Portraits of their kids. It was cute though. That'd be taking them to Switzerland with me.

[00:23:19] Leaf also got me a small ornament with my name on it, which is now proudly displayed in my box. But wow, that day was chaotic. I got hit in the back of the head by one of those little plastic balls from a kid's golf set. It hurt a bit and I was low-key worried that something in my parents' house would get broken. My parents weren't too pleased that Dax and Leaf let their kids run around with outside toys inside. But they didn't want to make a big deal of it. Plus, they were super busy preparing dinner.

[00:23:47] Oh, and my partner and I had a lot of arguments that holiday too. She wants me to move to Switzerland earlier. But I've been dealing with some finance issues and on top of that, I lost my job. So yeah, the move to Switzerland has been delayed. On a more personal note, I've been struggling with a lot of depression and anxiety lately. But I'm trying to stay positive. I don't want to spiral back into those negative thoughts and I'm doing my best to keep my head above water. Anyway, that's the update.

[00:24:13] It's been a bit all over the place, but here's to hoping things start to settle down soon. Oh yeah, I was diagnosed with autism too. So, yeah. And I'm really hoping Opie doubles down on what they're saying towards the end there. Because, you know, as sad as it is, because I think Opie does have a big heart, but it is enabling these people to continue doing what they're doing. I mean, getting a second job to pay off your brother's debt when he's refusing to change his own spending habits?

[00:24:42] The gift buying, they're not even considering to reciprocate at all. Not that you expect the gift like Opie said, but it just all seems one-sided. And just the general taking on everyone's problems until you yourself, you said in one of the posts that you're not eating properly. Bax really needs to face the consequences of his own choices if he's not willing to change. And you yourself need to focus that energy on your Switzerland plans and getting them sorted and the therapy as well.

[00:25:12] Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is take a step back and let people figure out their own shit. But what do you guys make of this situation? How would you deal with it if it was you? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Now just a huge thank you for being here today, getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so, so much. And hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love.