AITA For Waiting For The "Right Time" To Divorce My Wife r/Relationships

[00:00:01] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider? Hit that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from PrudentComposer3500 and it says, Am I the arsehole for waiting to divorce my wife until it was a good time for me? My ex-wife and I were married for over 20 years.

[00:00:31] And have two children together. 22 male and 20 female. For most of my marriage, things were pretty balanced. We both shared housework and childcare responsibilities. We were each stay at home parents for over a year after each child. Her with our son and me with our son and daughter. We always had agreements on how we wanted to divide work and generally had decent communication. This changed when my oldest went to high school. My wife got a new job that was both

[00:01:01] very demanding on her time and was 50% travel. This meant that I had to handle everything about two weeks per month. And when she was home, she wasn't holding up her side of the work with agreements. I did my best to be accommodating. And we worked through redistributing chores and housework a few times to make it fit her schedule better. But a lot of the work just kept falling to me.

[00:01:24] When the pandemic happened, things got worse. But I tried to just suck it up because I knew the lockdowns were temporary. Finally, when things opened back up, things continued to decline. And I asked to go to counseling. She missed a lot of our meetings and just didn't commit to it. At this point, I decided that I wanted a divorce. Unfortunately, it was a really tough time for the family. My son was getting ready for college in person after his freshman year being remote.

[00:01:54] Which was both financial and logistical challenge. At the same time, my daughter was also having some issues with depression and had become her main support person with my wife gone half the time. I made a decision to wait until my daughter was in a better mental state and our family was in a financially stable place before I filed for divorce. I did my best to continue to contribute and was essentially a single parent for three years.

[00:02:19] On a few occasions, I brought up counseling again. But my wife said things were good and wouldn't go. We pretty much didn't have sex for that period of time. And there was one summer where she essentially moved to North Carolina for six weeks for work. She came home on some weekends.

[00:02:37] Last year, after my daughter started sophomore year of college and she was in a better place mentally and emotionally, I sold off some of my stock investments to create a trust for my kids to ensure college was covered. Then I filed for divorce. At first, my wife was really pissed. Then she left to live in North Carolina again.

[00:02:56] When she came back four weeks later, she said she wanted to work through it. But I told her I had made the decision to leave years ago and wasn't interested. We eventually worked through mediation and got an amicable divorce. My kids live with me now and support me. But all of my in-laws and even most of my family outside of my sister think I'm an arsehole. They believe I should have forced the issue more when we started counseling and either divorced or made it clearer to my wife how important counseling was to me.

[00:03:25] They've called me selfish and some of my in-laws are refusing to interact with my kids when they're at my house. For example, my daughter FaceTimed her grandmother once this summer and she hung up once she saw that my daughter was at my house. It also created a bit of a scene at my son's graduation in the spring, refusing to acknowledge me and demanding that my son choose to celebrate with them or me rather than having dinner together as a group. I encourage my son to go with them and we have our own celebration later.

[00:03:55] But something happened at the dinner and my son has lived with me and has been almost no contact with them since. I honestly feel like I did what was best for my kids. But now it feels like their mom's family is pushing them and I feel like a terrible father. I admit that it might have been more mature to address the issue head on with my relationship with my ex. But I felt that it was about more than just the two of us. Frankly, I feel like my lack of backbone years ago has made this divorce worse for my kids.

[00:04:24] But I also believe that if I had to do it all again, I would still prioritize my kids over my own feelings and make the same choice. Am I the asshole? Look, I don't feel like you're the asshole in this situation. You're just someone who put your children as a priority in the stability first, which is kind of like what's the opposite that said in these stories. You sort of never stay for a marriage because of children, because it's detrimental. But I think in this case, it might be the other way around.

[00:04:52] And it just felt like everything you did was with your children in mind. You know, you saw your daughter struggling. You know, you ensured their college was financially secured. You try counseling multiple times while managing everything by yourself. And it just seems that your wife only wanted to try and fix things after you finally left. Not the years that you was shouting for that help. And, you know, fuck the in-laws in this. That they're punishing the children in this.

[00:05:21] That's just absolute shitty behavior in my opinion. But OP edited the post and said, holy crap, this blew up. First off, thanks for folks who provided feedback and comments. I really felt like shit and both the positive and negative comments helped me get a little perspective on things. I've seen a few comments come up multiple times, so I figure it's worth answering them here before I move on. This is an account I created to ask an embarrassing dating question earlier this year.

[00:05:49] I created it because my main username is recognizable. And I reused it now because I don't really want to air my issues associated with a known username. When my wife took the job, we were doing well financially. But the job still came with a big raise. I was making about 200k. And the job she took gave her a raise from about 80k to 140k. That was enough that we could go from saving enough to have an emergency fund to having enough to pay for our kids' college outright.

[00:06:18] We both work in tech. But she works for a defense contractor and some of the work needs to be done on site. And only one of the offices related to her work is near where we live. When we originally discussed the job, her plan was to work in the high travel role for some time, then try to transfer to a lower travel role based near us. She got promoted a few times and staying near our home wasn't an option, unless she took a bit of a pay and title cut. When we divorced, I was making about 280k.

[00:06:47] And she made a little over 300k. Some folks were also confused by my stock comment. I'm a software engineer for a big tech company. And about 20 to 30% of my salary comes in the form of RSUs, restricted stock units. I'm not an investor by any means. And I was just selling off stock mostly to cover my daughter's college and pay off what debt my son had. I know a lot of people are jumping right to an affair, but I really doubt it.

[00:07:13] In school, my wife and I were the obnoxious kids who reminded the teacher about homework, and she's a massive introvert. Her working late in a hotel room is much more likely than her sleeping around or keeping some secret family. There's a chance I'm wrong here, but I think this is more a situation where Reddit sometimes thinks all divorces end with infidelity. When I say we had an amicable divorce, I mean that more in the legal sense than the emotional sense. Uncontested might be a better term.

[00:07:42] The only significant asset we had that wasn't easily split was our home. My wife loves the house and I frankly wanted something different, so she bought out my portion of it. Our kids are adults, so there's no custody. Our assets are mostly divisible, so no issues there. Our salaries were comparable, so there was no alimony. We each had a car. Overall, it was pretty straightforward to divide things evenly, and neither of us wanted to draw things out. We didn't end the marriage as friends by any means, but from a legal standpoint,

[00:08:12] it was amicable, because we decided on an arrangement with a mediator, and only involved lawyers briefly to actually draft the final paperwork for the judge to sign off on. A commenter says to AP, Of course the in-laws are going to bark and piss and moan because their golden angel got blindsided by a divorce, a separation she cemented when she told you, No, I'm not going to counseling with you. Your in-laws sound not only insufferable, but incapable of accountability.

[00:08:39] It may be too much effort to explain to an arsehole family that you tried for years to fix the marriage, but she was too busy somewhere else. Not the arsehole for doing what's right for your children. It sucks the in-laws are being shitty to them, but hopefully they'll develop new relationships and bonds with other people who aren't incapable of empathy or rational conversations surrounding major life events. Nightwish says not the arsehole, you did your best for your kids.

[00:09:08] Conscious Survey says, How many women wait for the right time and save money for leaving, or give it a couple of years for the kids and get applauded for lasting that long, or for waiting for the right time? As a mum, I'm glad OP did what's best for the kids. He'll put his needs in one second, and the kids know it and appreciate him for it. That's why they chose to live with him, and that's why the ex's family is pissy. They know he did the right thing, but the fact that the kids chose him shows that the most to the others. F them all, OP.

[00:09:38] You're not the arsehole, but all the ones acting against you and your kids are arseholes. Block them and move on. If they don't support you and your kids, they aren't worth your time or effort. And one more comment that says, Yep, I'm normally all. You don't stay for the kids. You stay because you're afraid of change. Mostly because it's not actually better for the kids if you stay. But this is a case of, temporarily, staying for the kids that is actually for them. So around four months later,

[00:10:08] OP comes in with her update and says, I'm still getting comments and messages from time to time about that post. So I figured I would take some time to give an update. Quick summary of the original post. My wife became more and more distant in our marriage, and I decided to get a divorce. But I waited about three years to do it after I decided, because I felt it was best for the kids. My kids chose to live with me and generally were on my side. But my in-laws and family were pretty mad at me. Things are going much better overall since the post.

[00:10:38] I got a lot of support, but also a lot of criticism, which I took to heart. I've been putting in some work to mend fences and help get things to a more reasonable state. I don't expect my ex or her family to be friends with me, but I at least want to be on good terms. My relationship with my parents and family is much better, and this Christmas was pretty much back to normal. My family is very conservative, especially when it comes to marriage. But they finally understand how bad it had became,

[00:11:06] and I have reluctantly accepted. My relationship with my ex, and more importantly, her relationship with our kids has also improved. She has apparently been going to therapy on her own, and while she hasn't gone into details, she does seem to be a lot less angry about what happened. We decided to have Thanksgiving together, so we could all talk through things for the kids. It was a bit messy and there was a lot of tears, but we also got to a place where we understand each other a bit more.

[00:11:33] We all agree that I shouldn't have waited so long to go through with the divorce, but my ex and kids also say they understand why I did it. My ex-wife and I even had a conversation about dating, which was weird but surprisingly kind of nice. Mike's in-laws still think I'm a horrible person, and most refuse to talk to me. But they have started treating my kids well. My kids went to their in-laws place for Christmas Eve, and told me it went okay. We talked about it on Christmas, and while they didn't give many details,

[00:12:03] they did say they planned to do something on New Year's Eve with my ex and the in-laws, so I'm happy about that. Sorry, this isn't a juicy update with anything crazy, but I was bored during the holiday downtime, and thought I would log in and post some details. One thing I've learned from this, and I hope others learn too, even if your heart's in the right place, it's probably better to divorce when the marriage is over, rather than putting up a facade for years. I don't regret getting a divorce, but I do wish I hadn't waited three years when I knew it was over.

[00:12:34] The top commenter said on this one, you shouldn't be bothered by what your ex-in-laws think about you. People who blame children, even almost adults, for the things their father did, are not very good at judging people. They're even the real assholes here. Traditional agent says, when it's over, it's over. Dragging it out only accumulates damage to someone, yourself, the kids, etc. Glad things are working out for you, and I appreciate you sharing your experience and conclusions. Zana says,

[00:13:01] glad to hear your in-laws are finally capable of behaving somewhat like adults. Opie said, you know, at the end there, that it's probably better to divorce when the marriage is over, rather than putting up a facade for years, which, you know, in an ideal situation, if you know everything's going to go how it did here, when they started talking again, etc., then I think that's easy to say, right? But you didn't know how it was going to go up to that point. So in some ways, I still can't blame you for prioritizing the kids, especially when, you know, at the time,

[00:13:31] they seem to be changing a little bit, but the poisonous in-laws over there, who's ignoring children, and punishing children for what's going on. And the way that, you know, they're talking in the background, punishing the children over it, it makes me think about what conversations are going on over that side of the family. So you don't really know how it would have went if you'd done it immediately. So I know, I guess I can't blame you for doing what you did at that moment. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:14:01] And let's move on to another story. Now, our next story comes from DadIDthiefthrowaway from Credit Score, who says, Dad got a loan for $25,000 in my name, and now can't make the payments anymore. I had no idea he did it, and he's missed several payments. I'm about to buy a house. I'm mad, confused, and scared. My dad called me on Friday, which was weird, because we really only talk around Christmas,

[00:14:31] due to his domestic violence issues when I was a child. He told me last year he took out a $25,000 loan in my name. He said he needed it to pay off his credit cards, but he's ran them back up again. He said he wanted to at least give me a heads up, as I was probably going to be sued by the loan company, because he can no longer make the payments. He never apologized for taking the loan out in my name, and he told me to say that I was hacked. I felt sick to my stomach. When I checked my credit,

[00:15:00] I saw my credit score tanked by probably 250 points from where it was last July. But I've missed payments, a loan that I owe about $24,000 on, and I just broke down crying. This has never happened to me before. My mom and sister are both out of the country until the start of next week, and I'm lost. I can pay off the loan in cash, but I don't feel like I should have to, as I never took it out. And then there was one good but lengthy comment,

[00:15:28] but I always think it's good to read these ones, because if it helps out someone else out there, Happy Escape said, copy this for every identity theft situation I see on here, since it seems to happen a lot. Well, you know who the person is who stole your identity. This is all the information you can find in this sub and others. One call the police. You're the victim of identity theft, plain and simple. It doesn't matter who did it or what your relationship is to them. They broke the law. Now they have to face the consequences of their actions.

[00:15:58] Two, freeze your credit. You want to make sure it doesn't happen again. Take the proactive route of freezing your credit. Three, monitor and track your credit. You need to be alerted if anyone tries opening a line of credit in your name. This gives you a way to do it and it shows your credit score. Four, warn anyone else who might be a victim. This includes family members or anyone else whose social security number might be compromised by the thief.

[00:16:25] Five, take the police report to the credit bureaus. Give them the report number when you dispute all the accounts. Most of the time, that will be enough for them to take the accounts off of your credit. It's on the creditors themselves to prove the accounts are legitimately yours and the bureaus aren't going to get in the middle of it. A police report goes a long way in clearing up your credit. Don't take identity theft lying down, even if it's someone close to you.

[00:16:51] If you let them get away with it, get ready for five to ten years of bad credit. Collection agencies coming after you, lawsuits, etc. It's frustrating how easy it is for someone with your social security number to take out a huge loan in your name. If you pay off the loan, those missed payments will haunt you for seven years. Of course, he never apologized for it. He's not sorry. He probably just doesn't want you going to the police. I think some rando stole your identity when it was him.

[00:17:19] Go to the police, follow the steps above, cut off contact with your dad unless he wants to text you to admit to it again. Opie replies saying, probably exactly what I'm going to do. I'm just freaked out. Cardabella says, that's understandable. Unfortunately, if you don't report it, not only will you be responsible for this loan, there's nothing stopping him doing it again. So Opie comes in with an update and says, Christmas came and went and I did not speak to him this year.

[00:17:48] A couple of days after my original post, I made a report to the police. They said this happens a lot and they gave me a form to fill out. I received a case number and disputed the account with the credit companies. Maybe two weeks after I did that, a guy showed up at my house and served me with a lawsuit. The weird thing was the account dropped off from my credit completely. My credit course shot back up to where it was. Even so, I feel like the company that gave the loan was trying to get a judgment against me. Probably hoping I wouldn't show up to court.

[00:18:17] I ended up filling out a FOIA request for the actual police report. Just in case you didn't know, FOIA, according to Google, says, Freedom of Information Act. When the court date came, their lawyer offered to settle for $15,000. I gave them the police report and they were actually way more cool about it than I expected. He said he'd send it to the company and request a continuance. But then I should show up to the continuance date.

[00:18:43] The second court date was last week and the lawyer wasn't even there. Apparently shortly after the first court date, he'd filed a motion to dismiss. As far as I know, this is over with. But it still shows I've been sued in a public record search. Is there any way to get that removed? I'm also enclosing for a house. I really appreciate everyone for their advice. You've all saved me from a lot of debt and years of ruined credit. Nice and Sane says,

[00:19:10] The lawsuit was filed as a public record and can't be reversed. The dismissal should also be a public record because there was no judgment. It isn't a negative item for credit reporting. Ambitious Cat says, OP could just check the court docket to confirm that they withdrew the complaint and that the matter is closed. Might want to do that and save the docket report for your own records too. Damn, it would have been interesting to know what happened with the father as well.

[00:19:38] We can only hope that he was arrested after what he did. It just felt so blasé from him. Like, oh yeah, I've taken a loan out in your name. You know, just lie when the police come after you. It's just like you're an absolute prick. And I always find it, I don't know if it, I don't know the ins and outs of this stuff. But it just feels, I guess it's the frequency of that we see these kind of posts. It just feels so easy for people to do this kind of thing, doesn't it? I know you guys got social security numbers. I'm not sure how easy it is in the UK as well.

[00:20:08] But someone that I used to know, probably about the same age as me, and she still lives with her mum. But her mum convinced her to allow her to get a loan in her name. As like a payment, quotes, for living with her. She ended up doing it, spending all the money on like various bits of furniture for the house. I think they had their back garden redone and a fence put around it and things like that. And then got the daughter to file for bankruptcy. And you just think, fucking hell.

[00:20:36] Still live together, still happy as Larry. Still getting up to shady shit on the side. It's wild. Just, I don't know, it blows my mind. It shouldn't, but it does. But what do you guys make of this situation? Have you ever found yourself in something similar before? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Now just a huge thank you for being here today. Getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me.

[00:21:05] So thank you so, so much for being involved. And hopefully, I'll see you in the next one. Take care. And much love.