AITA For Not Allowing Daughter To Alter My Wedding Dress After Promising It Her r/Relationships

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[00:00:23] Hey, what's up gang?

[00:00:30] I hope you're well.

[00:00:32] My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories and if you do love

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[00:00:45] Much love guys!

[00:00:46] Now today's first story comes from comfortable love 8350 from the Am I the asshole subreddit

[00:00:52] and says Am I the asshole for not allowing my daughter to significantly alter my wedding

[00:00:57] dress?

[00:00:59] My 44 female daughter 25 female is getting married later this year to her girlfriend 27

[00:01:06] female.

[00:01:07] I've always dreamed of walking her down the aisle.

[00:01:10] My husband passed when she was a child and she enjoyed talking about future wedding and

[00:01:15] playing bride when she was a child picking flowers and colors and venues.

[00:01:20] She loved watching the videos of my wedding and seeing me and her father get married and

[00:01:25] it was important in our bonding.

[00:01:27] When she was 13 I promised her my wedding dress.

[00:01:30] However, her clothing style is more manly.

[00:01:33] She began refusing to wear dresses or skirts when she was in her late teens even trying

[00:01:38] to demand a school allow her to wear trousers.

[00:01:40] It was difficult convincing her to wear dresses to formal events.

[00:01:45] She has gone through phases of wanting short hair, wanting to be a boy and getting tattoos.

[00:01:51] I've always been very supportive of all of this even when she met her girlfriend and

[00:01:56] proposed to her.

[00:01:57] I have encouraged her as much as I can.

[00:01:59] I am contributing significantly to the wedding.

[00:02:02] I recently called and asked her when she wanted me to bring over the dress as it

[00:02:06] would likely need slight alterations and she dropped the bombshell on me, she wanted

[00:02:11] to wear a suit and have my wedding dress altered to remove skirt portion so that the

[00:02:15] bodice could be worn with trousers.

[00:02:18] At first I agreed but dragged my feet bringing the dress over.

[00:02:22] After a few weeks I changed my mind and told her that the dress was important to me, I

[00:02:26] didn't want her to ruin it.

[00:02:28] When I promised her the dress it was because I thought she would wear it as a dress and

[00:02:32] she will only get to wear it if it is a dress.

[00:02:35] I offered that her girlfriend could wear it as a dress instead but my daughter said

[00:02:39] that would still be ruining it.

[00:02:41] A girlfriend is a much larger woman than me so it would need more altering as since not

[00:02:46] been answering my messages except with saying that the dress would be a connection to her

[00:02:50] dad so she is disappointed not to have it.

[00:02:53] I offered to go dress shopping with her for a replacement but apparently some of our

[00:02:57] family think I am stopping her having the dress because I disagree with her being

[00:03:01] masculine.

[00:03:02] Am I the asshole for telling her she can have it as a dress or not have it at all?

[00:03:08] Maybe the asshole because I promised it to her but that was when she was very young and

[00:03:12] before I knew she wanted to change it.

[00:03:15] I am not a tailor, I don't know anything about dress making and altering or anything

[00:03:20] like that.

[00:03:21] One of the first thoughts in my head, this could be just stupidly expensive and not

[00:03:27] work.

[00:03:28] Can you remove the top half and put it back together again?

[00:03:31] I don't know if that works.

[00:03:33] I thought, couldn't you go shopping together to find a bodice that's similar to the top

[00:03:38] half because quite frankly I understand where OP is coming from.

[00:03:42] Something that has got huge sentimental value and if you can't take it apart and put it

[00:03:46] back together again for whatever reason then I think I get not wanting to alter it in

[00:03:51] that way.

[00:03:52] This is something that's got huge sentimental value.

[00:03:56] I do understand.

[00:03:58] Then there's always this like little pragmatic part of me always says you know what's going

[00:04:03] to happen to it otherwise it's going to sit in a box in a cupboard just gathering dust.

[00:04:10] At the same time I know many more people are more sentimental about things than I am.

[00:04:15] So I think OP should just open her heart to a daughter, tell her what it means to

[00:04:20] her why she doesn't want to part with it in that way and find a solution that they're

[00:04:25] both happy with.

[00:04:27] But training dearest says not the arsehole you offer to lend or let her use your dress

[00:04:32] not tear it apart in a way that destroys it forever.

[00:04:36] This dress is yours with living breathing memories attached to it.

[00:04:39] If it cannot be returned to you in its original state then no, you're not the arsehole

[00:04:44] for changing your mind about this.

[00:04:46] You might need to ask a professional seamstress about what is possible.

[00:04:49] I'm sure you have other possessions that actually belong to her dad and she may

[00:04:53] be able to incorporate one of them or recreate your bouquet cake or something similar if that

[00:04:58] connection is what she's seeking.

[00:05:02] Admiral Stey says all since the daughter likes a dress more masculine why not wear

[00:05:06] something of her dad's?

[00:05:07] That would be even more direct connection than the dress.

[00:05:10] Organized chaos replies that's a good idea especially because it confused me

[00:05:14] to read that daughter thinks using the dress gives her a connection to her dad.

[00:05:18] What?

[00:05:19] Didn't wear the dress he stood next to it for a couple of hours.

[00:05:22] So what does that even mean?

[00:05:24] Bottom line though is that temporarily borrowing a wedding dress that carries a lot of sentimental

[00:05:29] value is not the same thing as butchering it to meet someone else's vision.

[00:05:33] Hope he has every right not to want to let go of her property and her memories.

[00:05:38] Yikes to the daughter for the disrespect for people and property and marshalling the

[00:05:42] troops for propaganda campaign instead of just getting on with plan B.

[00:05:47] Wonderful kneecap says basically you want your wedding dress to remain the dress

[00:05:51] and your daughter would like to incorporate it into her wedding outfit but she doesn't

[00:05:55] want it to be a dress anymore.

[00:05:57] If you allow her to alter it it will still be a family heirloom but it won't be a vintage dress.

[00:06:03] I think you're within your rights to simply tell her that the dress has terrific sentimental

[00:06:07] value to you and that you'd like it to remain intact.

[00:06:11] Make sure her suit looks awesome though not the arsehole.

[00:06:15] And one more comment which says I'm really torn on stuff like this because

[00:06:19] a dress sitting in a closet for years although a lovely memory is just a waste.

[00:06:24] I currently have mine hanging in my closet because I can't bring myself to get rid of it either.

[00:06:29] If OP's daughter doesn't use the dress it's not likely that any grandchildren will use the dress either.

[00:06:35] It isn't an heirloom.

[00:06:36] I fully get OP and I think it's their dress and their right to keep it intact

[00:06:41] especially since they lost their husband and it's a memory to a happy day

[00:06:45] but she needs to explain that to the daughter.

[00:06:48] Personally my dress had a belt and I wore a headband and I keep them separate so if my daughter

[00:06:53] or son wants to use either in their weddings down the road they have some options for their

[00:06:57] something old or borrowed.

[00:06:59] Maybe OP has an element from the dress that can be utilized without hurting the integrity

[00:07:04] of the dress.

[00:07:05] She was married in the late 90s so dresses were still pretty fabric heavy back then.

[00:07:12] So OP came in to update their post and said I posted recently about my daughter surprising

[00:07:16] me by wanting to turn my wedding dress into a suit which I refused despite having promised her

[00:07:22] because the reality hurt me.

[00:07:25] I was upset and it made me feel better to see people agree with me.

[00:07:28] The comments that made me upset made me think the most about the future

[00:07:32] and helped me empathize with my daughter.

[00:07:34] My daughter came over tonight and apologized for ignoring me

[00:07:38] and explained that she had always thought she had been promised she could have the dress to

[00:07:42] own rather than borrow so she was sad to have lost that dream.

[00:07:46] I apologized for if I ever come across as not supportive of her.

[00:07:50] As many comments said I sounded homophobic and I wanted to clear that I'm not.

[00:07:55] I respect and love my daughter.

[00:07:58] We talked about many things especially my husband.

[00:08:01] Our presence could still be felt on the day and my daughter felt jealous that

[00:08:05] her fiance would get to share the day with both of her parents while she has only a memory.

[00:08:11] We watched the wedding video again.

[00:08:13] It's been a few years and cried a bit.

[00:08:16] We also had some wine so I apologize if this is not completely clear.

[00:08:21] I told her that I hadn't realized how much giving up the dress would hurt and

[00:08:25] I didn't think I could completely sacrifice it.

[00:08:28] And that I would talk to a tailor about if the dress could be separated

[00:08:31] and put back together and return to me.

[00:08:33] But if not then I would help her find a suit as an alternative

[00:08:37] and give us some of the dresses lining to use in it.

[00:08:40] I also surprised her with her father's wedding cuff links to wear.

[00:08:44] As suggested by many commenters, have I veiled in case her fiance wanted to wear it?

[00:08:48] And she was extremely happy with this as a compromise.

[00:08:52] She asked if she could try the dress on just to see what it would look like.

[00:08:55] I will admit I was hoping she would change her mind when she added on.

[00:08:59] She let me do her hair and makeup however I felt like.

[00:09:02] She was laughing so hard because it reminded her of when I did her braids for school.

[00:09:07] She picked out things for me to wear too in her style too

[00:09:10] just to see how I would look.

[00:09:12] We took pictures together and danced.

[00:09:13] She looked beautiful in the dress.

[00:09:15] It was like I had always dreamed when she was my veiled girl.

[00:09:18] But she didn't look like herself.

[00:09:21] Suddenly I knew a lot of you had been right.

[00:09:24] I hugged her and apologized and told her to take it and do whatever she wants.

[00:09:28] She s gone home now and some parts of me are a regret given to her.

[00:09:32] I ve been teary putting away the photos.

[00:09:34] But more than that, I m thankful that I got to see what I thought would happen

[00:09:38] and realized it wasn t right.

[00:09:40] And I can say goodbye to the expectations I had for so long.

[00:09:44] My daughter is happy as herself and it is an honor that she wants to share that with me.

[00:09:49] There was someone who quoted OP, the top comment that says

[00:09:53] She looked beautiful in the dress and it was like I had always dreamed when she was my

[00:09:56] veiled girl.

[00:09:57] But she didn't look like herself and then says this got me.

[00:10:00] It also tells me that you re a good mother and that you care about your daughter.

[00:10:05] I sat back a couple of minutes after reading that story and I was thinking about

[00:10:08] sentimentality and how we attach ourselves to objects and stuff.

[00:10:12] And you know, I said in the previous part that I m not sentimental.

[00:10:15] And I think it was a couple of videos ago I was talking about a dinner plate that I m attached to

[00:10:21] that looked like an old World War One helmet.

[00:10:23] Oh dear me what a birk you are Mark.

[00:10:26] Anyway, do you guys have anything that you find particularly weird that you re

[00:10:30] sentimental about in your house like my World War One dinner plate thing?

[00:10:37] It just reminds me of having curry with my family.

[00:10:39] I don't know why with my mom and dad.

[00:10:42] Absolutely amazing times.

[00:10:43] But what do you guys make of this situation?

[00:10:46] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:10:49] And let's move on to another story.

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[00:11:25] And our next story comes from the M.I.TheArtsAll here subreddit from a deleted user that says

[00:11:41] M.I. TheArtsAll for telling my step kids I'm not their mom.

[00:11:46] My husband 40 male and I 36 female have been together for 8 years now and our marriage has

[00:11:54] been rocky. When I met him he had twins boy and girl. I love them like they're my children.

[00:12:00] Since it's hard for me to have kids they're mine.

[00:12:05] My husband and I tried for a baby last year and I became pregnant but had a miscarriage.

[00:12:10] But I think I'm just not meant to be a new mommy. The kids are 16.

[00:12:16] The husband's kids haven't seen their mom in years because she left them for a new guy

[00:12:20] in New York which is so sad because they didn't get to have a relationship with her.

[00:12:25] The twins call me mom and everything. I do everything like a little family I always wanted.

[00:12:31] When I was younger I always used to tell myself to not date a single father because

[00:12:35] they might be messing with the mother of their kids but I took the leap of faith.

[00:12:40] The other day my son and daughter wanted to go to the mall with their friends which

[00:12:44] was fine because they go to the mall a lot with them. The argument started because of

[00:12:49] what she was wearing. She wore a very short skirt with a crop top and jeans jacket.

[00:12:55] Immediately told her no and to change her clothes because I didn't feel comfortable going outside

[00:13:00] like that. I didn't even know where she got the skirt from because anything she gets from

[00:13:04] the mall she gives me a haul. Her brother didn't even care what she was wearing and just

[00:13:10] rolled his eyes at me. She was pissed and upset. At the top of the step she screamed and told

[00:13:15] me I wasn't her mom so I should stop acting like it. Her brother laughed and that made me feel even

[00:13:21] worse. So I asked him why it was funny to him and he said that it's true. I'm not their mom so I

[00:13:26] need to stop acting like I can tell them what to do. This felt like a slap in the face because

[00:13:31] I basically raised her and this is what I get. For past months they've been saying horrible

[00:13:37] things to me. My daughter even told me it was my fault I lost the baby and she's happy I did.

[00:13:43] But the next day I toughen up. I act like nothing happened that day. I would usually wake them up

[00:13:49] for school and make them breakfast but this time I didn't. I'd made myself breakfast because like

[00:13:54] they said I'm not their mom. My son had a basketball game that day and I would be the mom to bring

[00:14:00] the snacks for the team but I wasn't going. My daughter had a cheer competition two days

[00:14:05] after but I wasn't going. I know you all might call me petty for this and I wouldn't

[00:14:10] disagree with you. I've been getting up and ignored everyone. I could feel them staring at me every

[00:14:16] time. Last night my daughter came up to me and asked me why I didn't show up to a competition

[00:14:21] and I told her I wasn't her mom so why would I? I can already see that you're the arsehole

[00:14:26] and I raised my husband kids and stuff. I told my husband what they said but he brushed me off.

[00:14:32] I don't think our marriage is working out and I've been thinking about divorce.

[00:14:36] I feel unappreciated in the place I call home. When I slave in the kitchen to make food they order

[00:14:43] out instead so I'm the only one eating the food. Was that too harsh? So a commenter says to OP,

[00:14:49] not the arsehole, what did your daughter say when you told her why you didn't go to a competition?

[00:14:54] OP says she said she was upset with me and that the whole time at the competition

[00:14:59] she thought about our argument and that's how she messed up in her routine facing her team

[00:15:04] in 5th place. She said if I didn't mention what she was wearing she wouldn't have lost.

[00:15:09] Too old for this spit says not the arsehole, I get the wise ass teen thing but the way she

[00:15:14] treated you was way beyond that. Your husband should have backed you up. He should have stopped

[00:15:19] their crap when it started. While you're not their mother he placed you fully in the mum role.

[00:15:25] And if he were a decent human being he'd have put them in their place. He could probably

[00:15:29] get past the kids behaviour if their father backed you up and served up some real consequences.

[00:15:34] His lack of support for you speaks volumes. He doesn't care. I guess he thinks that since the

[00:15:39] kids are 16 all the hard work is done so he doesn't need you anymore. You're still young.

[00:15:45] Get out and find some happiness for yourself. Susan Barron says not the arsehole,

[00:15:49] the kids in your husband can't have it both ways. You can't be mum only when they want

[00:15:54] something and then not mum when you set rules. There's a huge red flag that your husband

[00:15:58] doesn't care about this. You probably handle most kid related stuff so now he needs to do it

[00:16:03] or it doesn't get done. Just be ready for the apologies and whatever they will say

[00:16:08] to get you to stay. And a final comment from Mudany who says not the arsehole,

[00:16:12] I'm guessing that they see the way their dad treats you in a following suit.

[00:16:16] I understand teenagers are arseholes but the miscarriage comment was beyond

[00:16:20] arsehole level. That was just cruel and disgusting. I've had four stepmums

[00:16:25] and I was taught to respect all of them. The only time that I was ever out of line

[00:16:30] was with the second one. That's just another story because her and dad were just very toxic

[00:16:35] and either on drugs or drinking. I don't understand being disrespectful to a step-mum

[00:16:40] but to each their own. Opie, you need to divorce and never look back. You're still young and have

[00:16:46] a whole life ahead of you. You deserve so much more than what you are getting. Hopefully

[00:16:51] you will file those divorce papers and leave your arsehole husband and stepkids in the wind

[00:16:55] on your way to a better life. So Opie does come in the post with an update and says

[00:17:01] I know everyone has been spamming to know the update and sorry I didn't make this sooner.

[00:17:06] Had to think about what was my next move. I tried to sit the kids down and talk to them

[00:17:11] along with my husband. My stepdaughter was basically on her phone the whole time,

[00:17:15] not even paying attention to what I said. Her brother surprisingly was listening and he

[00:17:19] apologized for laughing at the comment. He and his sister made. I asked her if she can

[00:17:24] apologize for what she said about my baby but she brushed me off and again said the baby deserved it.

[00:17:31] My husband didn't do a thing when she said this. He sat down looking into space and I felt embarrassed so

[00:17:37] I knew what I had to do. I told him I wanted a divorce and if he wasn't to act like I'm a stranger

[00:17:43] and disrespect me. At this moment this was my first time getting his attention. He told me

[00:17:48] that wasn't the right decision and we could go to therapy. But when I mentioned that to him

[00:17:53] before he didn't care. I know this is not the decision you guys thought I would have chosen

[00:17:59] but I'm trying to figure out what I want for my life. He begged me not to take this route and

[00:18:04] I wanted to fold but I know it will happen again. This is really hard. You won't even

[00:18:10] believe who cried. My step kids had tears coming out of their eyes. I don't know if

[00:18:15] they were faking it or being serious. It broke my heart but I can't keep living in a space

[00:18:20] I am not wanted. I'm staying with my mum for the meantime so I can get a break and clear my head

[00:18:25] because all this is too much. I have anything else to say or update you guys over here. It was a shock

[00:18:32] to me when my step daughter changed her demeanour and started saying sorry out of nowhere.

[00:18:37] I don't know if it's sincere or she's just ready for me to leave.

[00:18:41] Edited. I will be deleting this app so far as well. It's time to start a new life.

[00:18:47] I want to say thank you to everyone who gave me the advice over the days we shared.

[00:18:52] So a couple of the top comments after that one MountainInternal996 says this is actually what

[00:18:57] a lot of us had hoped for because you deserve so much more. Aside from steps unapparently,

[00:19:03] your feelings were still not being considered and continued to be disrespected up until you

[00:19:07] mentioned divorce. The fact that your husband had no reaction to the cruel thing his daughter

[00:19:12] said about your miscarriage even when she doubled down is mind blowing but says a whole lot.

[00:19:19] I know this will be hard at first but you will come out of the other end so much happier.

[00:19:24] I wish you the best OP. Lady says sorry you're dealing with this. Please know that this is

[00:19:30] the right decision. The kids in hubby are only crying because they lost their maid. Now they

[00:19:35] have to do everything themselves. You need to get out, send them much love and hugs.

[00:19:40] Kitty's love says they're crying because when kids push boundaries they expect to be pushed back.

[00:19:46] Not to have everything explode in their faces. Their dad really let them down.

[00:19:51] A little bit funny says to be abundantly clear. Hope has done nothing wrong. Only the husband has.

[00:19:57] The husband refuses to set boundaries with his kids. The husband is an absolute ass in this.

[00:20:04] Sit there when his daughter said that again and then only trying to rectify the situation

[00:20:11] once OP mentions divorce. What an absolute perk. And you know I'm not sure if it's true or what

[00:20:19] but it felt to me it was like soon as OP mentioned divorce that the daughter started crying that in

[00:20:24] that moment it's like shit what have I done? I know what she said is absolutely vile toxic

[00:20:32] cruel especially to double down not apologize or anything like that after it you're just trying

[00:20:38] to hurt someone with those words and I think those teens are going to learn a very sad and

[00:20:43] painful lesson now. You know OP seemed to be the one that was caring for them showing them

[00:20:49] the only real adult in their life but their actions were all just too little too late in

[00:20:55] the end. But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys what do you guys make of this situation?

[00:21:02] What would you do in OP shoes? Do you think OP made the right choice? Let us know your thoughts

[00:21:07] and just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved in today's stories,

[00:21:11] your love, your support, your time always means the absolute world to me so thank you

[00:21:15] so so much and hopefully I'll see you in the next one take care and much love

[00:21:45] you

[00:22:15] you