AITA For Demanding To See My Wife's Phone Due To My Suspicions r/Relationships

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[00:00:30] Hey, what's up, I'm Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories.

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[00:00:47] bell too, unless crack on with today's first story.

[00:00:52] Much love guys.

[00:00:53] Now, our first story comes from this sub is trash 15.

[00:00:56] And from the Am I the asshole here subreddit and says Am I the asshole here for asking

[00:01:01] to see my wife's phone?

[00:01:03] It does have a couple of updates as well.

[00:01:06] Appley married 15 years with two kids.

[00:01:09] Saturday night around midnight, she was showing me some videos on her phone when she got

[00:01:14] a message notification.

[00:01:16] She quickly swept it away though we both saw it.

[00:01:19] I didn't say anything but decided to go to bed.

[00:01:22] Already a bit annoyed at how she did it.

[00:01:25] I asked who texted her so late and was told, I don't know.

[00:01:29] Mentioned she should look to make sure someone didn't need anything.

[00:01:32] She then told me it's a coworker for my old job asking why I'm up so late.

[00:01:37] She left that job four years ago.

[00:01:39] I said nothing just rolled over and ended up mulling things over for hours.

[00:01:44] Finally had a discussion about it yesterday.

[00:01:47] After not even being able to look at her.

[00:01:50] Of course my mind is going all over the place.

[00:01:53] I asked when the last time they had chatted and she said a few months ago that they occasionally

[00:01:58] congratulate each other on promotions and such.

[00:02:00] Fine, then I discussed how she openly lied to my face.

[00:02:05] Knowing full well who messaged her and that the totality of the circumstances was hard

[00:02:09] to accept as innocent.

[00:02:11] I reinforced that I was deeply hurt about being lied to in such an open and obvious situation.

[00:02:18] And now I'm wondering if I'd be able to lie and ask to see the history of their conversations.

[00:02:22] I don't think she's physically cheated on me as she works from home and life in kids

[00:02:27] keep both of our schedules pretty full.

[00:02:29] But I'd be devastated if she had some sort of emotional affair outside of our marriage.

[00:02:35] So would I be wrong to request to see a conversation?

[00:02:38] I don't need to see her entire phone, just that one.

[00:02:42] And one step further would I be the asshole if I asked her to stop messaging this guy.

[00:02:48] I just think anyone reaching out at 12.15 am to a married person like that is just looking

[00:02:53] for trouble.

[00:02:54] Help me out reddit.

[00:02:57] Mine's going a million directions and I'd like to either A, learn the truth or B, figure

[00:03:02] out how to repair this.

[00:03:04] An update on the discussion.

[00:03:05] Opie says I began the discussion with I have a shitty question and a shitty request

[00:03:10] to ask of you.

[00:03:11] But given the current situation it's something that is festering in my mind.

[00:03:15] I then asked if the conversation was still in her phone.

[00:03:18] As many have suspected it was not.

[00:03:21] She deleted.

[00:03:22] Why?

[00:03:23] Because I'd delete all all conversations.

[00:03:25] I then asked if I could see it and she let me.

[00:03:29] It was all done via Facebook Messenger so I attempted to find it in the archives but

[00:03:33] it wasn't there either.

[00:03:35] I asked if she could click the Messenger icon from his Facebook profile page and she broke

[00:03:39] down about it being such a shit situation.

[00:03:43] She vehemently denies any sort of inappropriate conversations.

[00:03:46] To admit there may have been innocent flirting in the past.

[00:03:50] But John fine with people do it every day.

[00:03:53] She also says she hasn't exchanged any messages since at least October.

[00:03:57] But it took a lot for her to let me see the phone where there was a chance I find something

[00:04:02] more.

[00:04:03] To the point where I told her that if I didn't see it, I'd assume the worst and would

[00:04:06] likely be looking for someplace else to stay the night.

[00:04:10] Not sure how to proceed from here.

[00:04:12] Most is currently at an all time low and while I feel bad she's an emotional mess.

[00:04:16] It's a situation she put herself in.

[00:04:19] Though I'm not overly compassionate about it.

[00:04:22] I wish there was another way to retrieve Facebook Messenger conversations but as many said,

[00:04:28] it's likely long gone.

[00:04:29] I predict a long road ahead.

[00:04:32] I've already suggested some sort of counselling.

[00:04:34] Sucks that we've been almost entirely drama free for the majority of our relationship, hardly

[00:04:40] of a fighting and this is a huge bump, more like crater in our road.

[00:04:45] I still don't think she's ever physically cheated on me and a guilt and emotions makes

[00:04:51] me think she's telling the truth about any type of emotional cheating as well.

[00:04:56] We shall see.

[00:04:57] Only time will tell.

[00:04:59] Thank you for all the advice and insight.

[00:05:01] Open updates are positive and few and far between.

[00:05:05] If any.

[00:05:07] Now, it was given me vibes that Opie has been trickle-dreuth in this situation.

[00:05:12] You know, midnight receives a message quickly swipes it away.

[00:05:15] It's really dodgy about who it is etc. etc.

[00:05:19] Then the conversations are deleted.

[00:05:21] It begins to admit there may have been some flirting going on.

[00:05:27] And of course that's going to damage your trust and without trust.

[00:05:31] What is there in a relationship?

[00:05:33] But Lady Lynn says, I don't know the right answer to your exact question.

[00:05:37] I do know if anything of the nature occurred and I knew my husband was concerned.

[00:05:41] I already would have offered any information that would ease his mind.

[00:05:45] Opie says, that's kind of where I'm at too.

[00:05:48] If I knew she was suspicious about something or stress, I'm an open book because I have

[00:05:52] nothing to hide.

[00:05:54] The most she affine is obnoxious memes shared with co-workers and friends.

[00:05:59] Ground breaking too says her shiftiness is telling.

[00:06:03] You should tell her that you don't like the vibe and give her one more chance to spill

[00:06:06] the beans.

[00:06:07] If she doesn't, I challenge her on how you're supposed to trust her when she's keeping

[00:06:11] secrets.

[00:06:13] Billy replies then says, lightning fast swipes as a lot.

[00:06:16] She knows messages can come in anytime and from who so her split second reaction was

[00:06:21] to panic swipe.

[00:06:22] I would definitely tell her that a demeanor and blatant lie, he jumped to a clear something

[00:06:26] is off.

[00:06:28] She needs to tell the truth before I have to go find it elsewhere.

[00:06:32] Well Jay says not the asshole, that being said once the trust has gone there are plenty

[00:06:36] of ways this can end badly.

[00:06:37] If she's completely innocent she will say sure and hand over her phone or she may be indignant

[00:06:43] that you're accusing her of anything assuming there is no previous question or behaviour

[00:06:47] on her end.

[00:06:48] Appian said, she lied.

[00:06:50] Good chance she at least told the line or flirted with the idea of an emotional connection

[00:06:55] with the sky.

[00:06:56] Also being said, people who cheered to generally hyper vigilant about their phone so the fact

[00:07:01] that she was showing you videos on it and sharing something on it with you is a good

[00:07:05] indicator she hasn't cheated.

[00:07:07] So coin flip here, I'll say unless you're insecure then your gut may be telling you something.

[00:07:12] Appian said also, trying to accuse someone of something with zero evidence usually just

[00:07:16] teaches them to hide it better never results in any confirmation.

[00:07:21] In your shoes I will just pretend you forgot it and just observe her behaviour and decide

[00:07:25] how you feel about trusting her.

[00:07:28] AHLM says no one.

[00:07:30] Literally no one deletes their few month old conversations.

[00:07:33] That you've witnessed is in fact an ongoing conversation.

[00:07:37] You could click on any conversation she had with a friend or family member and it will

[00:07:41] go back years, a bit money on it.

[00:07:44] Facebook Messenger doesn't have a storage limit that I know of, or it would delete old messages

[00:07:48] automatically after some period of time, most likely a very long time.

[00:07:54] She knew you were going to ask and did damage control.

[00:07:57] So Opie's next update said, follow up to a situation that occurred last weekend.

[00:08:02] We've had some discussion throughout the week.

[00:08:04] Stuff to do with kids at home who listen to everything.

[00:08:07] Quick trip to pick up some food tonight I decided it was a private place to have a rational

[00:08:11] calm discussion.

[00:08:13] She started off by admitting that the text may of course align.

[00:08:17] Five years ago right after her father had passed, I told her that flirting was somewhat

[00:08:22] acceptable and we'd work on it in counselling but that this was an opportunity to come

[00:08:26] clean and if I found out more later, I'm out.

[00:08:30] The silence and tears welling up was all I needed.

[00:08:33] I asked her if she had sex and then I found it occurred one time and never once since.

[00:08:38] So there it is, out in the open.

[00:08:41] I remember how tough of a time it was she had when her dad passed.

[00:08:45] The mental state was not great or would not allow that to be used as an excuse.

[00:08:49] But I do have some compassion for her in that regard.

[00:08:53] It ruined her and she still has a hard time with it.

[00:08:56] I asked if there's been anything ever besides that and she is absolutely solid that it's

[00:09:02] the last time.

[00:09:03] We got home before I could ask a whole lot more questions.

[00:09:06] We'll have to wait till the kids are asleep.

[00:09:09] I think it's one being if they use protection, my own sake.

[00:09:14] Going forward I don't know man.

[00:09:15] She's already said she feels like a complete piece of shit and wouldn't blame me for leaving.

[00:09:21] I've said I'm willing to attempt counseling.

[00:09:22] If nothing else more to see if this is salvageable for the kids.

[00:09:26] We've been pretty solid for a long time but damn, this is a gut punch of staggering

[00:09:31] levels for me.

[00:09:33] My other issues during the ride there she basically lied via a mission.

[00:09:37] Originally saying text may have crossed the line.

[00:09:39] Not until I grow older did she open up.

[00:09:42] More so furious that she's continued to have some sort of contact with this guy since

[00:09:46] then.

[00:09:47] Even if it was very sporadic.

[00:09:50] I'm very likely going to message the guy and tell him how I feel about this.

[00:09:53] I don't care if that part makes me the arsehole.

[00:09:56] It also hurts my soul knowing she'd never have come clean if I had not seen that text.

[00:10:01] The Reddit you were right.

[00:10:03] My worst fears have been confirmed.

[00:10:06] Wife cheated five years ago.

[00:10:08] Wish you weren't right.

[00:10:10] Fuck him blows.

[00:10:11] Where we end up no one knows.

[00:10:13] Sharing the worst week of my life with Reddit sure has been something else.

[00:10:19] And one more smaller update from O.P which says she admitted to cheating five years ago

[00:10:23] and has continued to sporadically talk to him since then.

[00:10:26] Besides the text last weekend that got her court, October was the most recent time.

[00:10:31] She claims prior to that words almost a year more.

[00:10:34] I suppose they talked all the time when the hookup happened.

[00:10:37] Then ghosted each other.

[00:10:38] Then started chatting on occasion.

[00:10:40] AKA looking for dick I'd assume.

[00:10:43] She admitted she's reaching out to him in the past but he's been the one lately.

[00:10:47] It really sucks.

[00:10:48] She tells me everything with her sonar family has been great.

[00:10:52] October was when they last chatted.

[00:10:54] We just got back from a summer camping trip and we planned on our couple's vacation at

[00:10:58] an all inclusive.

[00:11:00] Wild.

[00:11:01] She's responsible for getting a scheduled for a couple's counseling session.

[00:11:05] I'm going to start calling divorce attorneys.

[00:11:07] It's going to break my heart when it comes to the kids but I can't stomach the idea of

[00:11:12] my wife cheating on me at all.

[00:11:14] Let alone a third of our marriage.

[00:11:17] She's already said that she had never tried to mess with me about the kids but still being

[00:11:23] very cautious because they're my reason for living at the moment.

[00:11:28] And to me I just feel like again it feels like more trickle-true thing in this.

[00:11:34] Obviously I can't confirm that I don't know the full ins and outs of the story but

[00:11:38] the way it's gone so far that it was just flirting at first and it may have crossed a

[00:11:45] line with flirting then they had slept to each other but only once but they seemed

[00:11:50] to have kept in contact all this time up to now.

[00:11:53] And I just feel like there's no coming back from that and I'm just incredibly sorry for

[00:11:57] OP to find this out.

[00:11:59] There's got to be absolutely heartbreaking especially when you've been strung along

[00:12:03] all this time and you're still not well what it feels like to me you're still not receiving

[00:12:08] the full truth.

[00:12:09] You've got to have this all drip fed to you at the same time bit by bit.

[00:12:13] It's just torture isn't it?

[00:12:16] But what do you guys make of this situation put yourself in OP shoes what would you do

[00:12:22] if you was them.

[00:12:23] Do you think you know counseling can fix something like this or do you think that's

[00:12:27] it?

[00:12:28] It's over.

[00:12:29] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below and let's move on to another story.

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[00:13:43] Our next story does come from the M.I.V.R.S.O here subreddit again does come with an update

[00:13:48] from throwaway fiance one two eight and says I'm I the arsehole here my fiance wants

[00:13:53] to be a stay at home fiance.

[00:13:56] My fiance has proposed something that I have never heard of better big argument and she

[00:14:01] felt I was acting like an arsehole.

[00:14:04] I wanted to get an opinion on what she is asking is a thing and if it is something that

[00:14:09] I should be worried about.

[00:14:11] I 30 mail recently got engaged in my fiance Emma 26 female last month.

[00:14:16] Emma is amazing and we met at work.

[00:14:19] I'm a researcher in a big tech firm while Emma works in marketing.

[00:14:23] We met two and a half years ago during a company event and was completely smitten by

[00:14:28] her.

[00:14:29] One of the things I love about Emma is how she is.

[00:14:38] The job involves working on marketing events and event planning.

[00:14:42] She's great at it and I'm proud of her.

[00:14:44] However her work also involves working for long hours especially if she is helping in

[00:14:49] organizing events or meetups.

[00:14:51] This my job is a desk job.

[00:14:53] I generally have very predictable hours and do not generally have to work late.

[00:14:58] Joyce complains about how I get to sit in a nice office.

[00:15:01] Well she is driving around everywhere and getting things done.

[00:15:05] I know this might come off poorly but I have no a diversion.

[00:15:09] ADD and struggle with simple things.

[00:15:12] And that is one of the reasons I love her as I struggle with anything that requires organization.

[00:15:17] She is patient and makes my life better in many ways.

[00:15:21] We moved in together in the summer.

[00:15:23] She moved into my apartment.

[00:15:24] That was the first time we discussed finances openly.

[00:15:27] She is a really lucky factor and stock value appreciation.

[00:15:32] I have a pretty good compensation package.

[00:15:35] She knew I was financially stable but she was shocked when she learned what I make.

[00:15:40] I was actually equally shocked at what she makes.

[00:15:42] It turns out I was making 15 times more than her.

[00:15:46] I offered her to not pay anything and concentrate on saving to pay back her student debt which

[00:15:52] was paused at that time.

[00:15:53] I own our apartment.

[00:15:55] However she said that she also wanted to contribute and we decided to split the expenses

[00:15:59] proportional to what we make which I thought was fair.

[00:16:03] She has always been very independent and self-sufficient.

[00:16:07] Now to the issue.

[00:16:08] So we got engaged around a month ago during the holidays.

[00:16:12] She had never asked me for anything expensive before.

[00:16:15] However she wanted a specific diamond engagement ring that cost us close to $15,000.

[00:16:21] I was not comfortable spending that but she convinced me that she was going to wear it

[00:16:26] for the rest of her life and hence it's worth it.

[00:16:29] We got her to ensure she was very happy.

[00:16:32] Whenever she shows the ring to anyone, she often attempts to mention the cost of the ring

[00:16:35] in the conversation.

[00:16:36] I feel extremely uncomfortable with showing off and have told her many times to stop.

[00:16:42] However she continues doing it.

[00:16:45] Yesterday I came home and she asked me to sit on the couch next to her.

[00:16:50] She said she wanted to talk about something important.

[00:16:53] She said that she was planning to quit her job next month and give her 15 day notice.

[00:16:57] I was shocked and asked her if anything was wrong.

[00:17:00] She said that she wants to plan the wedding and is going to take a lot of time.

[00:17:04] We planned to get married in the summer hence she wants to make sure that she takes care

[00:17:09] of all of the booking soon.

[00:17:11] I asked her why she needed to quit her job for that and she said that she was tired of

[00:17:15] working long hours and wanted to stay at home for your own say.

[00:17:19] I laughed and told her that was not a thing.

[00:17:22] Plus she still has tens of thousands of dollars of student loans.

[00:17:26] She argued that it was less than what I make in a month and we are a team now so she is

[00:17:30] not worried about it.

[00:17:31] I asked her what her plans were after the wedding and she said she had not planned what

[00:17:35] to do after that but was glad I was with her.

[00:17:39] I told her that she could take a break but I am not comfortable with her just abandoning

[00:17:43] her career as such a young age.

[00:17:45] Especially since we are not planning to have kids for at least a few years.

[00:17:49] She is good at what she does and I want her to be independent even after marriage.

[00:17:53] In case something bad happens to me.

[00:17:55] She had a big argument and she feels that I am an asshole to want her to work after marriage

[00:18:00] when we can afford for her to stay at home.

[00:18:02] On one hand, what she makes is not going to affect our finances.

[00:18:06] However, it just rub me the wrong way.

[00:18:09] I have never heard of anyone leaving their job to plan the wedding.

[00:18:13] Is staying at home fiance really a thing?

[00:18:16] I want her support to her make her life comfortable but I feel quitting her career is a little

[00:18:21] too early for her age.

[00:18:23] So a user asks her so please then have her sign a prenup to the agreement.

[00:18:27] What are you planning to do with her days after the wedding and before you have kids?

[00:18:31] Hope he says we already have a prenup sign before engagement.

[00:18:35] 10.

[00:18:36] Seb's screen says not the asshole the fact that she went from an independent, capable

[00:18:40] adult wanting to be your dependent after she found out how much you make as a huge concern.

[00:18:45] If she is willing to throw away her own career for this perceived easy life.

[00:18:49] That doesn't bode well for if she has stick with you if you have a lost ability to pull

[00:18:53] such a high salary.

[00:18:55] Hope he says what concern me was she waited until we got engaged and then told me about this.

[00:19:00] I just wanted opinions on if anyone else has observed this and how they dealt with the situation.

[00:19:06] But hope he did come in to update the person says for context the issue was I own a lot more than

[00:19:11] her around 15 times because of some lucky circumstances.

[00:19:15] Even though we work in the same company she did not know that until last summer.

[00:19:20] When we moved in as I have a very modest apartment that I own don't spend a lot of money on

[00:19:25] myself unless on a few of my hobbies.

[00:19:28] After we got engaged she asked me if she could leave her job,

[00:19:31] a plan for a wedding full time and be a stay at home fiance.

[00:19:35] I posted this here because I thought the term stay at home fiance was funny and thought it

[00:19:40] would make a few of you chuckle. After thousands of you calling her a gold digger I thought it was

[00:19:45] time for a serious talk and understand why she wanted to quit her job. I was able to gather my

[00:19:51] thoughts and was able to have a conversation with her. On Friday night we ordered in and had a nice

[00:19:56] dinner. I again brought up the subject of why she wanted to quit her job. I tried to be supportive

[00:20:02] and not act like an asshole when she was asking questions. Initially she went all defensive about

[00:20:07] why she wanted to stay at home and started talking about how it would not matter since she barely

[00:20:11] made enough to contribute to our relationship. I tried to explain to her that it was not just

[00:20:17] about the money. I told her how hard working and talented she is in her field and she has worked

[00:20:22] very hard to finally get a position which is helping with event management for such a large

[00:20:27] organisation. I also talked about the fact that although I make good money, I have just been working

[00:20:33] for a few years and we do not have enough savings where if something happens to me she will be

[00:20:38] taking care of. I told her about my fears that having a large salary means I have the biggest

[00:20:43] target on my back when it comes to layoffs. Overall I think I was able to get my point across and

[00:20:49] why I feel she should not give up on her career at the age of 26. She agreed with most of the things

[00:20:55] I said. She told me that she was very overwhelmed with all the things that she needed to be done

[00:20:59] before our wedding. She commented on how I am really bad at organising tasks and she will have

[00:21:05] to handle many other things on her own. Our parents insist that we get married this year

[00:21:10] and it's a very short time frame to plan everything. She said that she feels burned out of work

[00:21:16] and barely has any energy left at the end of the week. After running around everywhere and sometimes

[00:21:21] travelling to different cities, her exact complaint was her boss treated her like a work meal

[00:21:26] and it was degrading to do all the work for barely any money. Then she wants to avoid the work

[00:21:31] stress and for the wedding from a happy place. She promised that she would start looking for work

[00:21:37] once we were done with our wedding and our honeymoon trip. However she does not want to work in a

[00:21:42] role she is currently working in and wants her job with more predictable hours. She also talked

[00:21:47] about going back to school and getting her masters. She insisted that she did not want to be a trophy

[00:21:51] wife and I jokingly pointed out that she qualified for would be a consolation trophy. She laughed but

[00:21:58] don't think she was happy with that. I think that was fair and she plans to resign late this week.

[00:22:04] Hopefully she will be able to enjoy the day off and re-energise before the wedding.

[00:22:08] That's for all the gold digger comments. I understand where you're coming from.

[00:22:12] I grew up poor and I make an effort to never show what I have to fault because not everyone in my

[00:22:17] family has got what I have. She fell into that version of me. If I trust her enough to get married

[00:22:23] to her then they also have to trust my perception of her. For me she is the smartest artist

[00:22:29] working independent person who frankly does not care about stuff. For her aunt that she got a nice

[00:22:34] engagement ring and was excited to show around. However most of my colleagues spouses also have nicer

[00:22:40] rings. Overall sorry for such a stupid non entertaining update. I'm glad we're able to talk about it

[00:22:46] and move on. But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys. What do you guys make of this

[00:22:53] situation? Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below. Just a huge thank you from

[00:22:58] the bottom of my heart for getting involved in today's stories, your love, your support, your time.

[00:23:03] Always means the absolute world to me so thank you so so much and hopefully I'll see you in the

[00:23:07] next one. Take care and much love!

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[00:23:54] bunny cake from the bakery. Strap for time? They cater too! With delicious options available without

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