My Boyfriends Behaviour Is REALLY CONCERNING - Am I Insane For Thinking This?

[00:00:02] [SPEAKER_00] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story does have some trigger warnings on it of domestic abuse, physical violence and gaslighting as well. So if you do want to skip it, please feel free to do so. Timestamps are always down in the description and along the timeline below.

[00:00:32] [SPEAKER_00] Thank you. Today's first story is titled, My Partner 30 Male Says I'm The Problem, 31 Female, But His Behaviour Is Starting To Feel Like Abuse. Am I Insane For Thinking This? Hi there. Throw away for obvious reasons. My partner and I have been together for about a year and a half. I moved in with him a few months ago because of finances and living situations and honestly, I'm starting to regret it.

[00:00:58] [SPEAKER_00] He's admitted he has anger issues and goes to therapy for it. He always says he's the only one putting effort into the relationship, but I'm starting to feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells. Now that I'm in a better financial place, I've been looking into therapy myself, not for anger, but for trauma I went through earlier this year. Here's the thing. He slams doors, even though I've told him it scares me, raises his voice, calls me names and has broken up with me mid-argument just to prove a point.

[00:01:27] [SPEAKER_00] He's even woken me up by slamming doors when he's mad and once drove recklessly with me in the car and experiences road rage. When I bring these things up, here say stuff like, that never happened or when was the last time I did that? As if I'm making it up. After social events, he picks apart how I acted or how I spoke. I already have social anxiety and now I dread going out with him because I know he'll find something to be mad about afterwards. Whenever I try to set a boundary or tell him I'm uncomfortable, he keeps pushing.

[00:01:56] [SPEAKER_00] I get frustrated and then suddenly I'm the problem because I have an attitude. If I try to take space like sleeping in the spare room after an argument, he'll throw my clothes and belongings in there and tell me just to stay there permanently. Then he'll switch gears and act all sad and depressed until I comfort him like I'm the one who did something wrong. It's emotionally exhausting. He also gets jealous when I'm friendly with his male roommates or other people, even though I'm literally nice to everyone.

[00:02:25] [SPEAKER_00] One night he accused me of deleting messages and cheating because he saw my phone reflection and thought I was hiding something. I was actually just messaging a friend that I felt unsafe and anxious while having a fight. He later tried sneaking into the spare room to go through my phone, then acted like he missed me just to get me back into bed.

[00:02:44] [SPEAKER_00] He tells me what I should or shouldn't do because he cares, but it feels more like he doesn't think I can handle life on my own, even though I'm very independent and have way more life experience than him. Another thing that really upsets me is he says mean, judgmental things about people in public. He calls it having a mean girl persona. He's even made racist and fatphobic comments. And when I call it out, he says I'm worse than him, which is just not true.

[00:03:11] [SPEAKER_00] Lately, he keeps saying I'm the problem and I need to look deep within myself. He blames his outbursts on stress or mental health, takes minimal accountability, and things will change for a little bit until they go back to how they were. I leave arguments feeling confused, guilty, and like I have to apologize for things I didn't even do wrong. I know I'm not perfect, but this can't be normal, right? I don't ever act or treat him this way. The only reason I've stayed this long is because he can be sweet.

[00:03:41] [SPEAKER_00] He cooks, helps clean, is affectionate, and when he's in a good mood, things feel easy, but he's mostly in a bad mood and complains about everything that happens, even if it's a minor inconvenience, and it'll bring down his mood. But I'm pretty sure I'm falling out of love with him. Now that I'm more financially stable, I've told him I think we should live separately when the lease is up because our constant fights are very stressful. But I know how that'll go.

[00:04:07] [SPEAKER_00] He'll guilt me, spam me with messages, and make it seem like I'm abandoning him. We were supposed to get our own place together, but at this point, I just don't know anymore. Does this sound like emotional abuse or am I the problem? Would love some outside perspectives, please. Now, as you can clearly see, this is just Red Flag City, an abusive relationship all over. But the first commenter says, girl, just leave.

[00:04:34] [SPEAKER_00] Another commenter replies to that, saying, when you do leave OP, do not let him know that you're breaking up with him in person because that is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship because they are losing control over you, and they will do anything to have that control. That is when you are statistically the most likely to be killed by your partner. The reason why I'm warning you about this is because it almost happened to me. He almost killed me. OP says thank you so much for this advice. He's not laid a hand on me yet, but there have been small signs that he could.

[00:05:02] [SPEAKER_00] He also admitted to me recently that in a past relationship, he choked his ex-girlfriend from self-defense. My stomach and heart dropped. You will either get angry or guilt trip me into staying. Commodore says, you are in an abusive relationship. You know how some people ask, why did she stay? This is why. It can be very confusing. Abusers are manipulative. They use all kinds of manipulative techniques like gaslighting and minimizing,

[00:05:28] [SPEAKER_00] and they're very good at twisting things so you end up apologizing when they're the one who is wrong, which just makes everything so much more confusing. They will make you doubt yourself and reality. What you are feeling is correct. This is not okay. This is abusive and will only get worse. I'm sure you know that though. I'm sure you've seen it getting worse. Abusive relationships very rarely start out that way. The Netflix show Made, I recommend it, although it's not super great.

[00:05:57] [SPEAKER_00] It has a lot of good information, especially about how women are often in denial and how abuse is not the one size fits all. Had one of the best descriptions of it. It's like a garden. Violence. It grows like mold. Before they bite, they bark. Before they hit you, they hit near you. Like they're trying to figure out how close they can get before you actually leave. And unfortunately, most abusers will up their abuse if they feel their power slipping.

[00:06:23] [SPEAKER_00] They will cycle through love and abuse like some fucked up yo-yo. Keeping you on the ride, just praying it doesn't fall again and he'll be the man you fell for. The man he often pretends to be just to keep you staying. But you have to know. That man doesn't exist. That's a mask he wears. It's one more tool in his arsenal. What would you tell your friend, your mother, your daughter if she was in a relationship like this? I think you know it's time to leave.

[00:06:50] [SPEAKER_00] Set up whatever you have to set up, ideally secret, and then leave. Do what you have to do to stay safe. Opie replies saying, Thank you for being understanding of how hard it can be. I never in a million years thought I would get into a situation like this, especially leaving red flags like this sooner. And didn't take any bullshit, but this man caught me at a time where I had very low self-esteem, financially struggling, and depression. Commodore quotes saying, Does this sound like emotional abuse? And then says yes.

[00:07:19] [SPEAKER_00] How do you feel physically when he rages and drives aggressively and slams doors, etc? Does your blood pressure go up? Does your chest feel tight? It's emotional abuse, but it's also physical abuse. It's damaging. Opie says, I get anxious when I know the tension is building up, even before anything happens. You know, we cover a lot of stories where there's abusive partners within those stories, and we talk about normalization a lot within these stories.

[00:07:46] [SPEAKER_00] And I think it's so important to bring up because, you know, like we can see with Opie here, and that awesome commenter who mentioned it, that many abusive relationships don't start out that way until their mask starts to slip, and they test more and more slowly, carefully, to see what they can get away with whilst you stay in this relationship. And it's absolutely terrifying. But it was three weeks later that Opie came in with a route day and says,

[00:08:14] [SPEAKER_00] firstly, I just want to thank everyone for their support and encouragement in my previous post. It means a lot, and anytime I start to doubt myself, I would read your comments. It helped me a lot. I left today. I left a letter and got the hell out of there, as I knew this was the safest and best option. I found a room to rent in a beautiful area and house. All female household, and funnily enough, my landlord is a social worker in domestic violence, so she was so accommodating and supportive throughout the process.

[00:08:41] [SPEAKER_00] I told people I trust at work my plans, and they were also very supportive. I never thought I'd be someone who would enter into a relationship this bad. I've always been good at walking away from the early signs in the past, but this person caught me at a time where I was lonely, struggling with mental health and finances. But there were early red flags I ignored, and I felt sorry for this person as he was good at guilt tripping. These were the signs. Love bombed.

[00:09:10] [SPEAKER_00] Pressured me to be his girlfriend when I wasn't sure yet. Say he would do anything to support me, and he was there for me. Oftentimes, the things he did for me were thrown in my face later when angry, and that I never did anything for him. Tried pressuring me to open a shared bank account and shared health insurance, which, when I said no and didn't feel I was ready, I was avoidant and unaccepting of help or growing together as a couple. Gaslighting. I would say things that didn't happen, or I didn't say something when they did,

[00:09:40] [SPEAKER_00] especially when I was showing him affection, and apparently, I didn't, which was strange. I would sulk and depression sleep when things weren't going his way until I caved and apologized and gave him affection. Double standards. It was okay for him to treat me how he did, but if I even had a slight attitude or talked back, it wasn't okay. I had to talk in a cute slash baby voice, which I hated, to avoid having an attitude, so it didn't start a fight.

[00:10:07] [SPEAKER_00] Slammed doors, threw things, slammed things, called me names, raised his voice, gave me dirty looks and stormed around. Even did this in the middle of the night when I was trying to sleep and had work the next morning. Reckless driving and speeding with me in or outside of the car went mad, resulted in him getting pulled over by the cops one night. One night, I was trying to comfort him and place my arms around him, when he was getting angry at me, and apparently, I was being confrontational, so he shoved me.

[00:10:35] [SPEAKER_00] Insisted he would go to public places with me or doctor's appointments with me to give support and help, but would complain about helping me. If I refused, I was unwilling to accept help, and he felt useless for not helping. He would pick apart or start a fight after social interactions because of what I said or how I acted. Constantly felt anxious when hanging out with other people. Would take my belongings out of the shared room and throw them and chuck them on the floor.

[00:11:01] [SPEAKER_00] Not to the point where he even hid the clean drinking water in his room so I couldn't access it. Would take back gifts and say I didn't deserve them when he was angry and I didn't show him enough love. Even return photos of me and throw out our belongings we had together in the bin. Broke up with me mid-argument and threatened to kick me out. One time, he broke up with me. I didn't respond or give him the reaction he wanted. He proceeded to say he was suicidal or not doing well.

[00:11:30] [SPEAKER_00] He guilt-tripped bad after his behavior and actions. Made his reactions seem justified because he was so hurt and sad. Would say he just wants to be loved and talked about his childhood to make it seem okay. He would ask where I was or up to when I was using his headphones. Tracking. If I didn't respond in a timely manner, he would get upset even if I was busy. Would say nasty things about strangers and friends. And when I pulled him up on it, he would get mad and say are much worse. Which wasn't true at all.

[00:12:00] [SPEAKER_00] He would accuse me of cheating or make passive comments about it because I was private with my phone. I was private with my phone because I was contacting friends and searching signs of emotional abuse. Trying to convince myself I wasn't crazy. I would have panic attacks and they often resulted in me vomiting. One time, he completely ignored it and started playing loud music so he didn't have to listen to it. But if I didn't give him help or attention, when he wasn't feeling well, I was an awful girlfriend and selfish.

[00:12:27] [SPEAKER_00] If I tried standing up for myself or used logic in an argument. He said he didn't like my tone or I was being condescending. He even pulled out his phone one time to try and prove to me I was condescending. Defensive when I was asking a simple question about why he was upset. He would nitpick, judge, pick on me, make passive aggressive comments or tell me what to do. I would get defensive, standing up for myself or setting boundaries and that was thrown in my face too.

[00:12:54] [SPEAKER_00] When I tried putting my needs first, such as taking space from arguments or needing time alone, I was neglectful and it was always about my needs. Unrealistic expectations. Demanding love and attention often, including telling me to stop working so much or would get angry if I picked up an extra shift so I could save more money. But I should have enough money by now. He works 6-7 days most of the week. Would go to the gym and social outings on weekends.

[00:13:20] [SPEAKER_00] He even openly admitted he was emotionally abusive in his last relationship and choked his last partner to protect himself. I don't know how true this is, but I know for a fact he choked her and got physical with her in a fit of rage. There are also rumors about this. If your partner shows even one of these signs, get the fuck out. It's not worth your mental, physical or emotional health at all. Don't wait around for them to physically hurt you. Because when they do, you'll be in too deep and it'd be harder to leave.

[00:13:47] [SPEAKER_00] I'm grateful I got out when I did because we live with roommates and I cannot imagine how much worse it would have been when we got our own place together. Thanks again for all the support. I've got a long road of therapy, heeding and returning back to the woman I used to be, but it's well worth it. I just hope he leaves me the hell alone. Stay safe everyone. Bloody hell, that list is absolutely terrifying. But a commenter says to OP, So glad to hear you got out.

[00:14:14] [SPEAKER_00] It's crazy when you add up all the things that happened over the span of the relationship. Sadly, taken individually, most of these incidents were the list of a you-need-to-communicate-better response or something. Please stay safe and go completely no contact. You have no reason to communicate again. And all he will try to do is gaslight you to get you to come back. Don't even allow him to try. OP says, Thank you so, so much. That's exactly what would happen. Even I would make an effort and try to de-escalate the situation.

[00:14:43] [SPEAKER_00] He's blocked and out of my life now. Commodore says, Has he tried to contact you? OP says, Not yet. He's not even aware I've left and is still at work. Commodore says, I'm glad you got out. Please don't meet him somewhere just to talk. Don't take any of his calls. Don't respond to any social slash emails. He may try to convince you to come back and he'll try better. Please, please, please don't fall for it. Take care of yourself. OP responds saying, Thank you so much. He will as he has done in the past.

[00:15:12] [SPEAKER_00] He will be completely blocked and I never ever want anything to do with him again. Commodore says, Did you leave a letter telling him you left? Stay safe. OP says, I did. The commodore says, OP, If you haven't read it yet, I highly recommend this free book. It changed my life and helped me learn to spot and avoid abusers in the future. And to spot and deal with manipulations and tactics in real time. This book explains everything. And helped me understand what I was responsible for and why nothing I did change things.

[00:15:42] [SPEAKER_00] It's free and online and then shares the link. It's the Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That book? And I'm so damn proud of you. And I wish you all the best. By the way, it's normal to grieve the future you'd planned with the man he pretended to be when you fell in love. It's like being catfished and brainwashed. And I'm so impressed you held your ground on the phone and finances, despite the immense pressure you were under. OP says, Thank you so much. This book has been recommended quite a few times now. Going to order it today and can't wait to start healing.

[00:16:12] [SPEAKER_00] Sending you guys hugs and love. One more commenter who says, Good for you. You are brave. Please be especially careful at your workplace. Keep an eye out for him and check your vehicle for air tags. OP says, Thank you so much for this advice. It's good advice. Luckily my work is gated with cameras and there is a back entry I can go through. I've alerted some of my co-workers about the situation, so they will also keep an eye out too. And like the commenter says,

[00:16:38] [SPEAKER_00] I'm incredibly glad that OP was able to get themselves out of that situation. And it takes a lot of strength to be able to do something like that. Especially when something's been normalized like this for you. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Let's move on to another story. Now this story comes from SuccessfulScale3476 from the Off My Chest subreddit.

[00:17:05] [SPEAKER_00] There is a trigger warning on it of death of her parents, cancer, physical violence and abuse. And it says, I, female 22, just found out my fiancé, male 22 and I are related. And we don't know what to do. Bloody hell. Throw away because this is a massive secret. And we're fully expecting it to blow up in our faces. I never thought I would post here, but the holidays uncovered something huge. My fiancé and I genuinely have no idea what to do.

[00:17:33] [SPEAKER_00] I grew up in a fairly large city in the south with just my mum, my younger brother and me. My dad died of cancer when I was four. My mum supported us by working as an accountant for a mid-sized company. It was always just the big three, as my mum liked to say. I have never known anyone from her side of the family. She's always been extremely private about her upbringing. But as I got older, I picked up bits and pieces. Whenever we saw family, it was always my dad's side.

[00:18:02] [SPEAKER_00] My parents met as adults, but after my dad died, my grandpa really stepped up in life. He took me to father-daughter dances, came to baptisms and major milestones, and was always present. When I asked about my mum's side of the family, I usually got short answers like, they're bad people or we live far away for a reason. As far as I know, my mum left home when she was around 17 and never spoke to anyone from her family again. My grandparents on my dad's side never met anyone from her side.

[00:18:32] [SPEAKER_00] Almost four years ago, I got into a great university far from home. My grandpa drove me down to campus and helped me move in. During orientation, I met Tom, not his real name. We clicked instantly. Same humour, same values, and a connection I'd honestly never felt before. We became best friends very quickly and soon started dating. Tom is also from far away, but our hometowns are extremely far from each other.

[00:19:01] [SPEAKER_00] Over the years, I spent some holidays with his family and he spent some with mine. My mum, my brother and my grandpa, who passed away around Thanksgiving this year, all adored him and we were very vocal about wanting me to marry him. His family accepted me just as warmly. Last year, his parents even gave him a large gift to help pay for an engagement ring. He proposed this past August, right around the anniversary of when we met. We're planning to get married in June, shortly after we graduate.

[00:19:30] [SPEAKER_00] One more piece of context before the actual problem. Tom and I became sexually active about a month ago. We were both virgins when we met and had decided we wanted to wait until marriage. After he proposed, we decided together that we were comfortable taking that step, especially since I'm on birth control and we're already planning a wedding. Our parents assume we are waiting, but no one has ever directly asked. Until now, this has not been a point of stress for us. Here is where everything falls apart.

[00:19:59] [SPEAKER_00] Just past Christmas, I stayed with Tom's family. My mum and my paternal grandmother are in the middle of an argument. I did not want to be involved in. My mum was completely fine with me going elsewhere. While at Tom's family gathering, his mum's parents came over and we all had a big holiday meal, open gifts and had a great time. They even gave me several gifts with their last name on them. At some point during the evening, Tom's grandmother made a comment to his mum, who I will call Melissa. She said, Melissa, do you remember

[00:20:28] [SPEAKER_00] when you and Rachel got me that planter for Christmas? I leaned over and quietly asked Tom who Rachel was. He looked confused and said it was his mum's twin sister who disappeared years ago. He'd never met her. I immediately felt uneasy. My mother's name is Rachel, although she has gone by a middle name my entire life. I also knew she had siblings, one sister and one brother. Tom had mentioned an uncle who passed away in 2010.

[00:20:57] [SPEAKER_00] At the time, I convinced myself it was just a strange coincidence. Later that night, people were moving around the house and Tom and I ended up sitting alone together with some wine. I whispered something like, I didn't know your mum had a twin. I think at that exact moment, it hit both of us. About a year ago while dating, we'd already realized our mother shared the same birthday. We thought it was funny and even mentioned it casually once to his mum. We both started internally freaking out but kept it together for the rest of the visit.

[00:21:27] [SPEAKER_00] The next day, I flew home to see my mum. Before I got there, Tom and I came up with a plan. I told my mum I had been talking to my gynecologist about some issues with my period and that one of the intake questions asked whether there were twins in my family. I said I didn't know and figured I should ask. For the first time in my life, my mum admitted she was a twin. When I asked why she never told me, she went on a long drunken rant about how her sister, Melissa, was a literal demon.

[00:21:54] [SPEAKER_00] My mum is unfortunately drunk most of the time. She also mentioned cutting her family off completely when she was young. What is wild is that my mum and Tom's mum looked absolutely nothing alike. One is tall and brunette, the other is short and blonde. At that point, everything clicked. We confirmed last names, which were the same. I also learned my mum's maiden name for the first time in my life, which I know is strange but she is intensely private. Tom and I are first cousins. We have no idea what to do next.

[00:22:24] [SPEAKER_00] Our parents have never met but they are supposed to meet at our wedding in six months. We have already built a future around each other. Tom has a great job lined up and I have been accepted, early decision to my dream law school in the same city. Our relationship is genuinely strong. We are best friends and deeply in love. Ending the relationship feels like throwing away the greatest joy either of us has ever had. Continuing it feels terrifying. There are obvious biological concerns if we ever want children.

[00:22:52] [SPEAKER_00] There is also the very real possibility of being disowned or pressured to split once the truth comes out. We are stuck and completely overwhelmed. What do we do? Edit And thanks for all the kind comments. Tom and I have read through all of them and we really appreciate the thoughts. We've decided to talk to our parents tonight. We both fly back to college tomorrow so it's really the last time we can do this before it gets dangerously close to the wedding. I'll give an update on how it goes either tonight or tomorrow at the airport.

[00:23:21] [SPEAKER_00] We plan to tell them what we've learned but insist it won't affect our plans to marry. Hopefully if we lead with that, there won't be an effort to break us up. Someone asks, at least they weren't identical. So you're only first cousins? Obi says we are first cousins. I'm not sure that would change if they were identical twins. We might be more genetically similar I guess? Commodore says, do one of those DNA tests and see how much DNA you share. My grandparents found out they were third cousins after they got married.

[00:23:51] [SPEAKER_00] Their parents knew as well. Not quite the same but they made it work. Obi says this is good advice but there's also some blissful ignorance here. Like at what percent do we draw the line? Someone says, do they want children? Obi says, yeah. We already talked about going the adoption route and avoiding biologicals. The commenter says, just to be sure, if you ever get pregnant to disclose this to your medical practitioner. Babies from close relatives have significantly higher risk of genetic complications but also because cousin marriage is so common

[00:24:20] [SPEAKER_00] especially within certain religious and ethnic groups they will know how to handle it. Obi says, good advice. I'm currently in the never get pregnant camp. We already take stupid risks though so this will tighten that up. The commenter says, did your mum never know Tom's last name or where he was from? It seems odd she never asked more considering the coincidence of him having her same last name in City of Origin. But I guess he could have the same last name as his dad rather than your mum's family.

[00:24:51] [SPEAKER_00] This is so unfortunate. If you guys are okay with adopting rather than having biological children, maybe Tom could get snipped to avoid the possibility and just go through with the marriage. Does that seem like the right route in your heart? Maybe confide in your mother about it and consider keeping it from family if they would freak out. Not sure if that's the best idea either as she would have to avoid his family forever, photos included, if they would still recognize her. Best of luck to you. What a crazy, crazy coincidence.

[00:25:21] [SPEAKER_00] Obi says, Tom's last name It's also a really unique last name with a unique pronunciation. Nothing like my last name or my mother's maiden name. The coincidence is crazier than I can even describe. No one lives in the same state as the last time they all met. And our college is far from that. It's really, really unbelievable that this happened to me. Commodore says, First cousin marriage is illegal in many US states. And whether or not these states recognize a marriage performed in a legal state varies.

[00:25:50] [SPEAKER_00] Just something to keep in mind when making a choice as you'll be limited in where you can live and move if you did stay together. Commenter replies to that saying this is very important that Opie needs to fully wrap her head around ASAP. Opie, what state are you in? Opie says, Our state venue and planned life is in New York State. Opie on if it's legal to have first cousin marriage in that area and says it's legal in our state but not in the state Tom is from. We never planned on living there anyway. Opie on her mother when asked about being a twin. Opie says,

[00:26:20] [SPEAKER_00] To be fair, when I asked my mother if twins ran in the family she acted like I was stupid. She swore I knew she was a twin and she had told me. Maybe it never stuck. I feel like that would stick. The family's reaction certainly is my fear. Thanks for the kind words. Our commenter says, As I have said above, the cousin thing is one thing but your mother meeting your estranged twin at your wedding is going to cause absolute carnage. This must be aired before the wedding and you need to face the possibility of your mother making you choose. You say she's drunk

[00:26:50] [SPEAKER_00] most of the time so I'm guessing she isn't the best mom else you wouldn't have added that information. Tom's mother also needs to know. There is another option. You tell your mother. She demands you choose. You choose Tom disinviting your family to the wedding. You say nothing to Tom's mother. It's not recommendation but this is all going to go disastrously wrong. I think if I could accept he was my first cousin I'd just elope and keep the family separate as far as possible. Opie says, I fear if we tell our mothers that our whole support system

[00:27:19] [SPEAKER_00] will fall out beneath us if we don't break up. It's almost like we have to be willing to break up if we tell them and neither of us want to break up at all. Opie explains if there are any similar resemblances between Tom and herself. Opie says, we often have been mistaken for our siblings. Our friend group has joked about putting us on a sibling or dating website before. We have very similar hair, curly dark brown and thick. He's taller than me. His dad is like 6 foot 5 though and my dad was like 5 foot 8. Someone says Opie needs to get therapy to deal with her mother

[00:27:49] [SPEAKER_00] due to her alcoholism and the family issues. And Opie says, I've had some therapy to deal with my mother. And there's a level of codependency that's hard to explain. Once my dad died, my brother was a very small infant and I was like 4. My mother and I really bonded even though she would put us to bed and hit the bottle every night. It's hard to explain but it's really hard for me to cut her off. Honestly, since going to therapy my freshman year, I sort of figured she was the problem to some extent. Maybe this will shed some light on the whole situation for me.

[00:28:19] [SPEAKER_00] I've only met Tom's grandparents, also mine twice and they seem super normal, just really conservative. But my mom is really conservative too. The Opie did update the pose and says, I didn't expect this story to get so much attention but I appreciate all the kind words and encouragement. I also appreciate everyone who reached out kindly in my DMs. Sorry if I haven't responded yet. As you'll soon read, my life is a little upside down. I wrote the original post in the early afternoon. At the time, my mother was out

[00:28:48] [SPEAKER_00] buying my brother new clothes for his upcoming semester. I decided I would confront her after dinner. Tom and I agreed that I would tell my mom that night and then we would figure out how to tell his parents. Dinner came and I wasn't eating. My brother kept asking why so I eventually gave in and told my mom I had something important I needed to talk to her about privately. She seemed to recognize the seriousness of my tone and told my brother to go to the gas station to buy scratches. When he left, I told her everything, starting with, this is really big news

[00:29:17] [SPEAKER_00] but I want you to know that I intend to continue my relationship with Tom. I told her I'd been at Tom's house and I'd learned that Tom's mom had an estranged twin and I was confident it was her. I said the full legal names of Tom's mom and his maternal grandparents. I knew I was right by the shade of red my mother turned. She kept saying, what? And is this a fucking joke? I even showed her Tom's mom's Facebook. My mother has no social media and never has as far as I know. At first, my mom went silent

[00:29:47] [SPEAKER_00] while I sobbed. Then she erupted. She told me I needed to leave Tom immediately and never speak to him again. I told her I wasn't going to do that. She started yelling about how Tom's family was spreading lies about her to me. They do not even know. She was being paranoid. I told her I didn't even tell them anything and she could keep this secret and simply never meet them. Since his family is paying for the entire wedding, I suggested she not attend so she would never have to interact with them. That suggestion was not taken well.

[00:30:17] [SPEAKER_00] She called me every name in the book. Whore, liar, bitch, see you next Tuesday, etc. Screamed at me until she was blue in the face and told me she would not allow me to return to school for my final semester. Around this time, my brother came home. He's a pretty low-key guy and does not handle conflict well. So, he went into the adjacent living room and scrolled on his phone. I told my mom I would marry Tom regardless and that if she chose not to be a part of my life, that was her decision. She called me ungrateful and continued screaming.

[00:30:47] [SPEAKER_00] Things escalated again when she demanded that I hand over my phone. Long story, I'm actually on Tom's family's plan. She also demanded that I go to my room. I said no, that I'm an adult and she threw a three-quarters of boiled bottle of botanist gin at me. It hit my arm and shattered on the floor. This is when my brother stepped in and pulled me out of the house. We could hear her breaking things and swearing as we stood outside. Since my flight is scheduled early in the morning, my brother drove me to his friend's apartment near the airport. He works at the airport

[00:31:16] [SPEAKER_00] and lives about 15 minutes away. I'd never met his friend before. My mother texts me multiple times asking where I was and calling me awful names again but nothing else happened. I'm writing this now from the airport, waiting to board my flight. I have a bruise on my arm but it's not serious. Tom thinks I should have called the police but I just could not do that to my mom, even if it ends up being the last time I ever speak to her. My brother brought me all my belongings around 2am and then took me to a hotel connected to the airport. He's a saint

[00:31:46] [SPEAKER_00] and this is only half the update. After I left the house during the drive to my brother's friend's place, I called Tom hysterically. He told me he thought he should tell his parents and I agreed. After we hung up around 10.30pm, Tom pulled his parents aside and told them everything. They had seen pictures of my mother on my Instagram before and had not recognized her but once they looked again, they confirmed it was the Rachel they knew. Melissa cried and cried. Tom's dad, I will call him Richard, said the situation

[00:32:15] [SPEAKER_00] was very strange. They asked Tom a lot of probing questions including whether we had been sexual and whether my mother knew. Tom told them everything. They were disappointed in him but they did not dwell on that. After Tom explained what had happened with my mom earlier that night, Richard and Melissa completely changed their tone. They told him they still supported our marriage but needed to make a game plan for how to handle this moving forward. They texted me incredibly kind things telling me nothing had changed that I was still their daughter

[00:32:44] [SPEAKER_00] and that they loved me. Melissa who also shared why my mom became estranged from them. This is only her side and I may never hear my mom's but apparently when my mom was in high school she started to unravel emotionally. She would yell at her mother constantly and accuse her of favoring Melissa. Their father was the coach of the girls basketball team which Melissa played on but my mom did not and my mom felt rejected by both parents. During senior year my mom ran away with an older boy not my dad. His family knew

[00:33:14] [SPEAKER_00] my grandparents well so they assumed she was safe but my mom told them she would never speak to them again and she kept her word. The last they heard about her was three years later when the boy's parents said they'd broken up this was the city where she later met my dad. They wrote letters she never answered and eventually respected her wish for no contact. All of this came second hand from Tom who heard it from his mom. While I was coming down from hysteria in an airport hotel room at dawn

[00:33:43] [SPEAKER_00] the details may be fuzzy but that is what I know. How I'm doing. I'm heartbroken and scared. I've only seen my mother be violent once before when she threw a brick at my brother for sneaking a girl in. I was always the perfect child and now I cannot imagine her ever speaking to me again. It feels like I chose the people she felt rejected by over her. My heart breaks for my mom but I love Tom and I do not believe it is fair to either of us to abandon this love. I'm also scared of what she might do next.

[00:34:13] [SPEAKER_00] She went to my grandmother's house and my brother's girlfriend's house trying to find me. My brother refused to tell her where I was. She knows where my apartment on campus is. I've considered moving in with Tom for safety but his parents asked us to stop being intimate until marriage and I do not think they would approve of us living together. That said, they have been incredibly kind. They paid for my hotel stay. Tom was nervous about me staying at my boyfriend's friend's apartment. I was mostly afraid of the roaches. They are texting me as I write this. Sending florist options

[00:34:43] [SPEAKER_00] and talking excitedly about our wedding. Overall, I'm okay but I'm terrified of the unknown. How Tom's doing. He is very anxious being away from me and incredibly grateful to my brother. He wants me to block my mother's number but I'm not ready. Encourage me to make an appointment with my therapist. And we are hoping to attend a few sessions together. He's apologized endlessly and feels like he should have figured this out sooner but it is not his fault. If we had known earlier, we might never have had the love we now share and I believe that love

[00:35:13] [SPEAKER_00] is worth it. This morning, his father warned him not to share this secret with anyone. Tom is nervous about how our grandparents would react if they found out. If anything else happens, I'll update again. We're still reading all the comments. The encouragement, especially from those who were just to tell our parents, gave us the strength to do the right thing. Even though I regret telling my mother, I think it was better than lying and creating long-term deception. Thank you all for the support. Feel free to ask any questions. It genuinely helps us think through every angle. Bloody hell.

[00:35:43] [SPEAKER_00] Some drama in that one, right? And there was one part that it did make me chuckle at to stop recording at one point and it was OP when they said they had to go to the brother's friend's apartment and then they said, I was mostly afraid of the roaches. They're texting me as I write this, sending florist options and talking excitedly about our wedding. I just pictured like a bunch of little roaches sat there with phones going and texting away. Bloody hell. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Now,

[00:36:13] [SPEAKER_00] just a huge thank you for being here today, getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so, so much and hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love.