Family Says I'm Ruining For EVERYONE By Not Cooking For Them For Christmas

[00:00:03] [SPEAKER_00] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well, you bloody cheeky so and so. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from Mean Conference 7340 from the Am I the Arsehole subreddit. And it says,

[00:00:28] [SPEAKER_00] Am I the arsehole for refusing to cook for my family's Christmas event? Throwaway account because I'm pretty sure some of my family scroll on Reddit. I, 15 female, really like baking and cooking food. Most of the time I'm making everyone little treats to try or I'm cooking dinner for my family from our background. That's sort of my love language.

[00:00:51] [SPEAKER_00] Often I'll bring food to family events because my aunts and uncles are busy all the time and have little time to make food before they host parties and stuff. And because I'm not working yet, I have more time to make all this fun stuff. So on Christmas we typically open presents at home, then all have lunch and slash or dinner at someone's house. But this year my mum said we wouldn't all be together. Was a bit upset but was like, alright, that's fine with me.

[00:01:18] [SPEAKER_00] Then my aunt calls me and asks if I thought of what food I'm making for Christmas night. I asked what she meant and she told me she's having a party and my mum promised I'd make food for everyone. I didn't really have a problem with that and as I said, I love cooking and it was early notice. So I was just like, oh, I'll get ready at this time and then I'll have time to make the food.

[00:01:40] [SPEAKER_00] She asked why I'd be getting ready. She said it's an adult party, but then asked for more info and she mentioned cousins my age were going. So I was kind of upset and asked why I was the only one not going. She said my mum thinks I was just not mature enough for a late party. I told her it honestly just sounded like an excuse. Then I hung up. I went to my mum and she didn't see a problem with me not going.

[00:02:07] [SPEAKER_00] But I told her there's no way I'm putting effort into that if I'm being excluded. I started crying at that point and it made my mum angry and she said I was being selfish and acting like a child. I kept pressing for a proper reason but my mum kept saying, I don't want you going and I'm your mother so that's that. My tone was very rude by this point because I was on the verge of tears and my mum said if I don't make the food, they'll have to order food and I'll inconvenience everyone.

[00:02:35] [SPEAKER_00] I said, then order it and ended the convo. I called my dad and he's saying he'll come down to where I live and we can drive up to his for Christmas so I can be with family that wants me there. So even if I wanted to help now, I will be a two hour drive away. But basically they have no food plans for the party now. I suggested local chicken shops that do delivery or even buying frozen food from the shops. But they're saying they don't want to do that.

[00:03:03] [SPEAKER_00] While they didn't want me there, I know everyone was counting on me for food and now from their perspective I'm saying no and being selfish because I wanted to spend Christmas with dad. And I'm usually one to try to see both sides but this is really difficult because of course I'm biased and my feelings are hurt so outside perspective would be nice. Thank you for any feedback. P.S. Sorry if this is confusing. Please feel free to ask like extra things I didn't mention. I'm incredibly tired right now. May have left some details out.

[00:03:32] [SPEAKER_00] Now stuff like this with kids in it explaining their side of things and all their worries when they shouldn't have to be worrying about any of this at all is absolutely heartbreaking. Opie's family's entire Christmas food plan hinged on Opie, a 15 year old who wasn't even invited to eat what she cooked. And it doesn't even sound like they're grateful for it anymore. It's just an expectation. And in the end it's not the food that's the issue as always. It's always something else and it's the mum isn't it.

[00:04:00] [SPEAKER_00] Making commitments on your behalf without asking. Then excluding you from the event while still expecting you to cook. And then manipulating you at the end by calling you selfish when she's literally the one who's using you. And your dad's response was great. That you know come spend Christmas with the people who actually want you there. Not just your cooking. Absolutely. Absolutely. I've been to family events where younger members of the family you know like to bake or do something along those lines and give to the family.

[00:04:30] [SPEAKER_00] And I'm absolutely blown away about it. So the fact that you're cooking all these meals and stuff for your family and they're not appreciating it is just so infuriating. And the horrible thing is is that I just can't see how they're going to change their attitude quickly. I can't see how they're going to correct this in any meaningful way fast. Sure they can apologize but is their attitude going to change quickly? I'm not sure about that. But a commenter says not the arse of.

[00:04:58] [SPEAKER_00] I'm very glad that your dad at least is there for you and actually wants to spend Christmas with you. I'm assuming your parents are divorced. Where's primary custody or is it split 50-50? Could you talk to your dad about staying with him? Since it seems like your mum doesn't want you around. Opie says yes they're divorced and have been for a little bit of 5-ish years. Most of the time it's 50-50 but my dad got a promotion at work and so he works more often and just lets me stay at mum's when he's extra busy.

[00:05:27] [SPEAKER_00] But he does say even if he is at work I'm always welcome in his house so I think he would not mind if I was there all the time. Opie says just curious are the cousins your age that are attending male or female? Opie says all guys. Struct Engineer says has your mum done other things like this recently? Basically using you for her own gain. Opie says not that I've noticed or had a problem with.

[00:05:53] [SPEAKER_00] She often volunteers me to be making the food or babysitting and things like that during family events. But at least I'm usually invited to those ones. Anyway. There's not much other situations that really bothered me or made me upset that I can think of off the top of my head. Cute says your family sounds like they might be of an ethnic background that has different values. If not then they are real arseholes. Good for you for standing your ground. Merry Christmas anyway.

[00:06:21] [SPEAKER_00] Opie says we have a Balkan background. But it's not the case where this is a sort of custom. Also I think there's more Australian born than actual European born in my family by now. Merry Christmas to you. And one more commenter that says. Not the arsehole. You're old enough to cook for the party. But not old enough to actually go to the party. That's not how it works. Who does your family think you are? Cinderella? So Opie does come in with her update and then says hi guys.

[00:06:51] [SPEAKER_00] I had comments and PMs asking for an update. So here it is quickly. And random stuff about fun things from my Christmas. So feel free to skip. I separated it to hopefully make it easier to read. I hope everyone had an awesome Christmas. Feel free to chat in the comments about what you've got. I love talking about the holidays. I for one got a vintage car from my dad which was insane. And I started crying. When I say crying I mean I was bawling my eyes out. For anyone who owns cars.

[00:07:20] [SPEAKER_00] It's a Ford Falcon XY. I can't drive yet but all I talk about is cooking and cars. He said I can have it for collection. Until I can start driving it around and insinuated I can have even more cars when he frees up his storage shed near his work. I couldn't not cry. I was so insanely excited. By far my best Christmas. I took a lot of comments into account with advice and also the nice messages as well. So I was feeling confident in my decisions.

[00:07:50] [SPEAKER_00] So yes I did end up spending Christmas with my dad. I was at home and mum was at work on Christmas Eve. He drove the hours and picked me up. I left mum a little message letting her know I was with dad. My message was followed by 34 messages of her just telling me I'm the worst daughter ever basically. She didn't say those exact words. I blocked her and removed the conversation. But she was basically saying how dare I leave without telling her. How dare I spend Christmas with not my family.

[00:08:19] [SPEAKER_00] Then it was a spam of messages telling me she was going to smash my things and she better not see me at New Year's because she's furious and doesn't want to look at my face. I'll copy and paste from my notes the message I wrote back. It said,

[00:09:32] [SPEAKER_00] If that makes sense. I saw some comments suggesting making food and posting it to piss off my mum. My dad had the exact same idea and laughed when I told him my friends had also said that. It was you guys. I think if he knows I'll post it, he'll be angry a little bit. But it's okay. So I did end up baking. But it was with my dad's girlfriend. Her name is Annie. She looks a bit like Jennifer Aniston. We made the classic Christmas trifle. Aussies, no.

[00:09:59] [SPEAKER_00] And Biscoff cheesecake which literally had me foaming at the mouth. She also likes baking and bought me a really cool book with fun difficult recipes to try. I posted them on Facebook and my dad's girlfriend posted some to her Instagram that my aunt stalks with a photo of me pretending to lick the cakes and stuff. It was a fun little photo shoot more than anything. I say all these nice things so you know my Christmas was really good. Even with what I'm about to say happened during slash after.

[00:10:27] [SPEAKER_00] My aunt decides to post a long message on Facebook complaining about not having me there. Saying I abandoned the family. And started talking bad about my dad. Calling him names. I reported the post and called her and basically told her to take it down if she wants to speak to me ever again. And to not talk bad on the one person actually wanted me for Christmas. And he did 10 times more than she was willing to give me with support. And all this other stuff. I was kind of spewing words because I was upset.

[00:10:56] [SPEAKER_00] I don't care about her Facebook friends talking shit about me. But my dad deserved better than that. She didn't say anything and just hung up. And 20 minutes later it was deleted. A lot of family members continued to message me to yell at me. My dad said to just block them and enjoy Christmas. But then came the spam calling. I did sort of have a panic attack at Christmas dinner. So he had to calm me down and take my phone for a bit. Till all the notifications stopped. It only stopped at midnight when I guess everyone was tired of it.

[00:11:26] [SPEAKER_00] I think it's safe to say I'm going to live with my dad full time. I'm upset and nervous because school and everything is down with mum. But hopefully if I can't live with dad. I can stick out four years at mum's. And when I get my full driver's license I can be at dad's whenever I'm not at school. Thanks for reading my word vomit. Happy holidays and new years to everybody. Edits. I retrieved the messages after some commenters advice. Thanks to everyone who let me know it was smart to keep them.

[00:11:53] [SPEAKER_00] The commenter said it wasn't wise to remove your mum's messages. You might need them if child protection services are involved. And it's highly likely they will. Because it's definitely child abuse. Living with your mum won't be easy from now on. Because you've put your foot down and abusers hate it. Your adulthood is very soon. It will be better. Good luck. Opie says thank you. I recovered the messages after seeing some of the comments. And screen recorded it all with a number in it as well. Commenter says.

[00:12:23] [SPEAKER_00] My stepfather had a vintage Falcon that he had restored. It's a really cute car. Opie says I love mine so much. Glad my dad was able to even find one. Bloody hell. The mum in this and the family in general. Just you know awful people. Sending 34 abusive messages. And threatening to destroy your stuff on Christmas day. Absolutely shitty behaviour. And it always makes me wonder about the past.

[00:12:52] [SPEAKER_00] And what they faced in the past as well. You know as Opie just normalised behaviour. That the mum has displayed in this particular story. There was a point where Opie said. The mum often volunteers her for cooking and childcare. And it almost felt like to me that. Opie had been conditioned to use Opie like as labour. As like almost the cost of her being included in the family. And again when Opie you know tried to see both sides.

[00:13:20] [SPEAKER_00] Which isn't always a bad thing right. But in this particular situation. With everything else going on. It almost feels like Opie was taught that her needs don't matter. You know you have to see other people's side. See the family's side you know. You're not cooking for her. So what about them? And I hope Opie does get to stay with her dad. It sounds like when she went to their house. And you know the tree. And how excited she was. She actually saw family there. Actually felt included. Actually felt love. Which was really nice.

[00:13:49] [SPEAKER_00] And heartbreaking at the same time. And I hope Opie can get to her dad sooner rather than later. Because four years of living with someone. Who just called you the worst daughter ever. Threatening to break your things. That sounds like almost an impossible situation to live with. And you simply deserve better than that. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And let's move on to another story.

[00:14:20] [SPEAKER_00] Now our next story. It comes from Tattoo Problem. And it says me 29 female with my fiance 29 male. Has a problem with my tattoo. I married my high school sweetheart. Micah. After college. When we were both 22. We were married for four years. Together for 10. Before we both decided that we weren't meant for each other. And got a divorce. There were obviously no hard feelings. We parted on civil terms. And we still kept in touch on rare occasions.

[00:14:51] [SPEAKER_00] With each other's family. Micah went to school for art. And is a very very talented artist. And at the time when we were married. I asked him to design a tattoo for me. It's a very simple flower that I love. And is on the inside of my bicep. I often times forget that it's even there. And it's easily covered by a t-shirt. I've been with my fiance Gabe for about two years. He's such a great guy. And I love him so much. It has recently come to light that Gabe has a problem with my tattoo.

[00:15:21] [SPEAKER_00] He asked me to find a way to get it covered. Because it reminds him of Micah. And thinks that every time I look at it. I'm reminded of Micah as well. No matter how many terms I try to tell him. That's not the case. He still has asked me to change the design somehow. I don't want to change the design. I don't want to cover it up. And I don't want to do anything to it. I don't think of my ex when I look at it. I'm not reminded of the good times. Like Gabe thinks I am.

[00:15:48] [SPEAKER_00] I just see a beautiful flower that half the time I forget is there. Because I've had it for almost 10 years. I've told Gabe that I'm not making any changes. And he got extremely upset. And is telling me I'm not being sensitive to his feelings. What the fuck do I do? I understand where he's coming from. But at the end of the day it's my damn body and my tattoo. And I don't want to change it. Edit Sorry I wrote this super quick. Over the course of our discussion of the tattoo.

[00:16:16] [SPEAKER_00] I suggested small ways to modify the tattoo. And he shot every suggestion down. He wants me to completely cover the flower. So no part of it is visible. If I were to redo the tattoo. How he wants it. It will no longer be on the smaller side. Which is another reason I like the tattoo. In my original post. I said I told Gabe I'm not making any changes. I told him this because he's not willing to allow me to make small changes. It's all or nothing for him. And that's why I wrote this.

[00:16:46] [SPEAKER_00] Absolutely not. Gabe's just clearly insecure in this situation. And that doesn't get to override your choices. Your bodily autonomy. You've had this tattoo for what? A decade now? And you barely think about it like you said. That tells you everything. His all or nothing demand. While telling you you're being insensitive. That's just projection isn't it? And it asks bigger questions about your future at the same time. If he can't get past the small flower which you forget exists.

[00:17:16] [SPEAKER_00] Then you need to consider your future. And someone who thinks that they can control your body in that way. Today it's a tattoo. What's it tomorrow? Kind of thing. Black Otter says you've had the tattoo for as long as you've known your fiance. He was okay enough with it to date you and ask you to marry him. And I doubt you've given him a reason to doubt your loyalty or trust. He's just going to have to get over it. He's known for years. And now it's a big issue.

[00:17:44] [SPEAKER_00] Opie says he has literally never once said anything about my tattoo before. Ever. When we first started dating I told him right away that Micah designed it. And he complimented me on how pretty it was and mentioned Micah was talented. That's the only time we've really even discussed the tattoo. And that had me questioning. Is there other stuff going on here? Or is it just literally the mask is starting to drop? But Joker says it'd bother me if my future spouse had a tattoo designed by their ex.

[00:18:12] [SPEAKER_00] Of course it'd make him think of your ex every time he sees it. Even if you don't. It's ultimately your choice but I don't think his feelings are unreasonable. And he doesn't want it removed. Just altered in some way. It's similar in my opinion to wearing a necklace or watch. Or something given by an ex. Or say to keep a painting your ex made you displayed in your room. Opie says I don't think his feelings are unreasonable. And I can understand why it might make him uncomfortable.

[00:18:38] [SPEAKER_00] But no matter how much I try to tell him that I don't think of Micah whatsoever when I look at the tattoo. He gets upset and has stated he feels like he's competing with Micah. Which I don't understand despite me asking him to elaborate. Gabe has so many amazing qualities that don't even compare to Micah. And he doesn't get that. A downvoted commenter says. Quoting. I don't think of Micah whatsoever when I look at the tattoo. Then says. What about how he feels and what he thinks of it?

[00:19:07] [SPEAKER_00] Why are you so against making some minor modifications to the design to move on? Opie says it's a beautiful tattoo. And every suggestion I come up with to modify it gets shot down by Gabe. He wants me to completely redo it. And cover up every part of the flower. I've suggested small additions or altering the colors. But he wants to see absolutely no part of the flower. And with what he's suggesting it will no longer be on the small side. So Opie comes in with their first update. And it says.

[00:19:36] [SPEAKER_00] After the post I sat Gabe down and explained to him that I heard him and I understood him. But I was not going to alter my tattoo. If he was willing to compromise. He wanted me to get the entire thing covered. So you couldn't see any part of the original. Despite me offering suggestions for altering it. He was very pissed and accused me of being in love with Micah. I told him that Micah was a large part of my life for over 10 years. And I didn't harbor any ill feelings towards him.

[00:20:04] [SPEAKER_00] The tattoo wasn't in honor of Micah or to commemorate our marriage. It was just a fucking flower. A talented artist I happened to be married to at the time designed. It is unfortunate for Gabe that the tattoo was drawn up by him. And maybe I was an idiot for even mentioning it when we first started dating. If he couldn't meet me halfway in figuring out a suggestion that didn't include making it a million times larger by covering the whole thing. I told him I was just going to leave it.

[00:20:31] [SPEAKER_00] I even asked if he wanted to work with what he had and design a new one for fuck's sake. So he took a few days to himself. Stayed at his friend's house and didn't respond to my phone calls or texts. Cool. When he finally came home he said he had gone out every night to the bar with his friend. And in the end his friend convinced him this wasn't a big deal and he should let it go. I asked why he didn't respond to me at all over the course of these few days. And he said he was thinking about things. But in the end he loves me more than anything.

[00:21:00] [SPEAKER_00] And the tattoo doesn't matter. So I thought that was the end of it. I was still pissed he never acknowledged my texts. But we had moved on from the tattoo so I was fine. The next day he kept making passive aggressive remarks about my tattoo though. And would find ways to work it into every fucking conversation. Want to go to the farmer's market later? Sure. I need to get some flowers for my mom's birthday. Oh like the one on your bicep. I told him that was bullshit.

[00:21:27] [SPEAKER_00] And I wasn't going to put up with him rehashing the argument at every opportunity he could find. He eventually admitted one of his friends, Brianna, kept pestering him about my tattoo. And getting under his skin about me covering it. She told him if she were in my shoes that she'd cover it up no questions asked. Why didn't I do it when I knew we were becoming serious? Do I still wish I was with Micah? If I really loved Gabe I'd cover it without hesitation. According to him was basically obsessed with the tattoo.

[00:21:53] [SPEAKER_00] It never bothered him before but eventually she got to him and he started to feel uneasy about it. Then come to find out Brianna had the hots for Gabe and made advances. He shut her down and told her it was inappropriate but after that fiasco became fixated with one of the comments she made about if I really love Gabe I'd cover it up immediately. So that's why he was so adamant about it. I explained I loved him but was very uncomfortable with the if you love me then X way of thinking.

[00:22:22] [SPEAKER_00] If you thought that way we would need to take a break and re-evaluate our relationship goals. He was very insistent that he doesn't think this way and he was still getting over the shock of Brianna's confession and apologized for not telling me about it earlier. He was still trying to process it all. Brianna and I have never gotten along so I'm not surprised she put the stupid idea in his head or that she confessed her undying love to him. Ultimately he is fine with my tattoo and doesn't want me to make any changes.

[00:22:50] [SPEAKER_00] He has respect for Micah and his talents doesn't dislike him in any way. They've always gotten along at any time we happen to see him. He understands I have a past and accepts that and admits he handled the situation poorly. He is going to cut her out and we've made an appointment to go to counseling. The wedding is on hold for a while until we can learn to communicate properly. I still love him so much and have no doubt that we'll make this work. We just need a little extra help working through some things. Thanks for everyone's insight.

[00:23:20] [SPEAKER_00] It really helped tremendously. Edit. A lot of people are saying Gabe spent time with Brianna instead of being at the bar with his friend like he told me. Several of my friends saw him at the bars with Dave. The guy he was staying with. When he told me about Brianna having a crush on him. I checked her Facebook and she was out of town the same time he was with Dave. Her status updates had the GPS location turned on so she legitimately was not around.

[00:23:46] [SPEAKER_00] Opie comes in with another update and says thanks to everyone's responses. It helped a lot. And to the poster who said they're glad they have real people problems. Screw you. I'm a real person and this is an issue in my relationship. I figured I should clear a few things up before this update. Brianna and Gabe are friends because they grew up together. Their mom's a best friend so they're very close and as a result he values her opinion. This is probably why they discussed my tattoo in the first place.

[00:24:14] [SPEAKER_00] Although I agree that it was none of Brianna's business. Her and I don't get along because she has always tried to assert her dominance if you will. And consistently reminds me that they grew up together and she knows him so well etc. It's obnoxious. Many said that Gabe wasn't responding to my texts and calls because he was screwing Brianna the few days he left. I checked her Facebook and she was out of town according to her status.

[00:24:38] [SPEAKER_00] The GPS location was turned on so unless she had some way to manipulate her Facebook she was legitimately out of town for a wedding. Several of my friends saw Gabe out at the bars with his friend Dave. The guy he was staying with. They text and called me to see if I was going to come out too but I just said I wasn't feeling too hot. We had our first counseling session last week and it went way better than I could have hoped for. The counselor helped us with techniques to better communicate and

[00:25:06] [SPEAKER_00] we've begun to utilize those techniques in our daily conversations. I'll admit at first I was annoyed with the new ways the counselor wants us to talk to one another. But we did have a slight disagreement over something dumb and the methods we learned in just one session seemed to have helped. So we're both receptive to those counseling sessions. We have another one scheduled for next week. Gabe's work offers couples retreats monthly and we were fortunate enough to partake in one this past weekend.

[00:25:32] [SPEAKER_00] Let me tell you if you ever get this opportunity I strongly encourage every couple to do at least one in the duration of their marriage and relationship. It was amazing. I haven't truly never felt closer to Gabe than I did that weekend and I'm so glad that he mentioned something about it and wanted us to do this together. Some of the building exercise that we did really helped us to connect and get on the same page again and I seriously cannot say enough positive things about the retreat. When we got home Brianna tried to get in touch with him

[00:26:00] [SPEAKER_00] but he told her not to contact him again because she was undermining me and our relationship. He expressed that he was sorry that their friendship had to end this way but that ultimately I take precedent and she was toxic to our relationship. I could hear her crying on the phone and had a moment of weakness where I was about to tell him to reconsider cutting her out but then I remembered that she is in love with him and caused him to doubt my commitment to him so fuck her. A couple of hours later Gabe got on a phone call from his mom Marilyn asking what was going on.

[00:26:31] [SPEAKER_00] Brianna called her mom who in turn called Gabe's mom and told her Gabe is stopping all contact with her for no reason. Apparently I'm a controlling bitch who is intimidated by her and felt threatened by their friendship. Gabe said his mom straight and told her how Brianna was trying to get into his head regarding my tattoo and how she confessed to being in love with him among other shady things she's done that I haven't mentioned in previous posts. His mom said she always thought him and Brianna would end up together

[00:26:58] [SPEAKER_00] but after hearing what he said is glad he's not ending up with some jealous and bitter brat. God bless Marilyn. So there you have it folks. We're in counseling, went on a retreat, cut Brianna out and no longer have a problem with my flower tattoo. The wedding is still on hold but we're heading in the right direction and I know we'll get there eventually. So K-Rad says to OP, I'm really happy to read this. I've been following this story since the beginning. Question.

[00:27:26] [SPEAKER_00] Has your boyfriend just told her not to contact him or actually blocked her? My suspicions are that she isn't going to give up so easily. I.e. passive aggressive Facebook posts, more texts and calls, additional ways to subvert this whole issue. I would highly recommend actually sitting down and deciding as a couple what to do. Example, block her on the phone, Facebook etc. and then follow through with it. The last thing you need is her flubbing up the great progress you've made. Congrats on a good outcome OP.

[00:27:54] [SPEAKER_00] OP says he deleted and blocked her number and also removed and blocked her from all social media. I've also blocked her from Facebook and we've made sure that our profiles are private so she can't see anything. They still have a few mutual friends in common but none that would choose Brianna over Gabe if it came down to it. His mom is still friends with her mom, understandably, but has said she wouldn't tolerate Brianna badmouthing her son and has told her mom that as well. I'm positive Marilyn will cut contact if it comes to it but I don't think it will

[00:28:23] [SPEAKER_00] and Gabe would never ask his mom to do that anyways. Brianna's mom is a great lady and it's unfortunate her daughter sucks. And there was a mix of comments below this afterwards. Many people saying congrats and you know on moving on, getting the counseling and trying to communicate better, etc, etc. Other people were skeptical that he was swayed so easily to begin with. But what do you guys make of this situation?

[00:28:51] [SPEAKER_00] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below and just a huge thank you for being here today, getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so, so much and hopefully I'm going to see you in the next one. Take care and much love.