My Friend Said Her Break Up Trauma Outweighs My Mum's Death | r/AITA

[00:00:01] [SPEAKER_01] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider hitting the like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from KitchenReasonable776 from the AmITheAsshole subreddit. And it says, AmITheAsshole for getting an apartment next door to my friend's old place?

[00:00:31] [SPEAKER_01] It said, Hi all. I, 27 female, signed a lease this week for a new apartment that I'll be living with my sister, 25 female, in the town we grew up in. Our mom passed away a bit unexpectedly a little over a month ago. We felt it was important to move into a new space and one that's closer to home. It's a shorter commute for both of us and the best we can find in the area given our budget.

[00:00:56] [SPEAKER_01] The apartment is next door to the apartment my friend, 27 female, lived in last year with her now ex-boyfriend. She hasn't lived there since they broke up last spring and the ex-boyfriend no longer lives there. The breakup was very tough for her and she's had a difficult time with it in general. I text her after my sister and I viewed the apartment to give her a heads up that we liked it and we're planning on putting an application in. I told her I was sorry for the unfortunate circumstances

[00:01:24] [SPEAKER_01] and that I knew this would not be easy for her. She says I betrayed her. I chose the apartment over our friendship and I'm not taking her trauma seriously. I am truthfully shocked that she would come at me so hard when she knows what a difficult time I'm having with my mom's passing. She was upset that I described the situation as not easy, saying that it invalidates her feelings.

[00:01:48] [SPEAKER_01] I told her that I have to go to the house my mom raised me in, drive past her funeral home and visit her grave every week and that I know what it means to do things that aren't easy. She said the loss of my mom wasn't a choice and that me signing for this apartment is. She's upset that I'm unwilling to put her first. I think in her eyes, her breakup and my loss are both traumas that need to be considered equally. I truthfully can't believe the utter disregard she has for my circumstances.

[00:02:18] [SPEAKER_01] She knows why my sister and I wanted to move. I understand her being upset about this. I really do know that the first few visits might not be easy for her. I told her that I'm sorry for that. I had a really difficult time keeping it together the last few weeks with my mom and this whole drama has me in a pretty bad place. I told her the lease has been signed and she's obviously not happy. I think she wanted a chance to talk me out of it, which wasn't going to happen either way.

[00:02:46] [SPEAKER_01] I'm I, Yasuo. And look, I think what you've done isn't a betrayal as she's saying it. You were actually really considerate during this situation. You were six weeks out from losing your mom. You needed a place to live near family and you gave her a heads up before signing, which you didn't have to do. And the framing it in a way like it's a choice. So it doesn't count. I found particularly wild because she's framing it as not putting her first. Well, knowing what you were going through.

[00:03:15] [SPEAKER_01] That's wild in my that's the wild thing, in my opinion. And I will say, like we say in all these situations, her pain about the breakup is absolutely real. But that pain doesn't give you, you know, a free pass to make your housing decision about them. She no longer lives there. Her ex no longer lives there. The building is just a building now. And I kind of wonder if, you know, just giving this some space and letting things settle down a bit

[00:03:43] [SPEAKER_01] and seeing if she comes back to this more level headed, because otherwise it just gives you more important information about the friendship in general. But Wes Morgan says to OP, she no longer lives there, nor does her ex. So she's basically hung up over the building itself. You can't live in a building where any of my exes lived is beyond wild. Not the arsehole. Fifth Entry replies with a thought of their own about this saying, I think it's a bit more than the building.

[00:04:11] [SPEAKER_01] Sounds like it's the unit right next to where she used to live. And the friend could have PTSD from abuse or something else. We don't know. So walking by the door where it happened could not be good. OP is not the arsehole. But I do think mentioning the first few visits will be difficult was weird. Why not just hang out at a friend's place or other places if this is such an issue? Suggesting that she get over it after a few times wasn't a great move in my opinion. Euphoric says not the arsehole.

[00:04:39] [SPEAKER_01] I see where visiting you at your new place may occasionally bring back sad or bad memories for her. But that will fade over time. It is not more important than you finding an affordable and safe place to live with your sister, close to the home with a better commute. You and your friend could meet at her place or out at a cafe or sandwich shop for the next year. If she can't bring herself to drive down to your new street, she'll realize she's being silly if she thinks about it longer. This is not worth losing your friendship over.

[00:05:07] [SPEAKER_01] She's got tunnel vision and your loss is more profound than her breakup. Hang in there. Beginnings says your friend needs therapy. How can you equate a breakup? Yes, extremely painful and traumatic. But equate it with the loss of your mum is just so outstandingly selfish I'm speechless. You do not owe this girl in any way, shape or form. I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum 20 years ago, so I've been there.

[00:05:34] [SPEAKER_01] Please focus on your own grief, healing and future and surround yourself with people who will be on that journey with you. And I did check the controversial tab on Reddit to see if there was anyone saying you're the arsehole in this situation and honestly, I couldn't find any. So OP did come back in with an update and says thank you all for the feedback. I was beginning to feel like I was going crazy and it was comforting to see people having a similar reaction to my own.

[00:05:59] [SPEAKER_01] Many of you told me that this girl is not a true friend and I've reached the point where I agree. After asking for time to think before meeting up, we finally did. In the time between me telling her about my new place and me moving in, she found a new apartment that is two blocks away from my new street. She told me she felt invalidated and uncared for because I didn't sit down and have a conversation with her in person.

[00:06:22] [SPEAKER_01] When I initially decided to tour the apartment, that I'm reactivating her trauma, that I'm being a surface level friend etc. I told her I felt very disappointed by her own willingness to show me any grace or understanding given the fact that I'm drowning in grief. And that I'm not sure that I'm in a place right now where I can still be friends with her. She said she felt very blindsided and that she expected the conversation to go differently.

[00:06:47] [SPEAKER_01] I do feel badly and it breaks my heart but at the same time, I truly don't know how to continue with this friendship after how she has treated me and after some of the things she has said to me. Someone said to Opie on the back of this, did she expect an apology? Opie said yes and I got the sense she did not plan on apologizing for anything herself until I made it clear that this was something that would end our friendship. Prof Plum did it says quoting that she felt very blindsided and then says of course she did.

[00:07:17] [SPEAKER_01] She sees herself as the only important one in your relationship and expected you to also see her that way. As such, she expected the conversation to be all about her, how she feels, how you can make her feel better. When you didn't beg for forgiveness or follow the script she had created in her head, she didn't know how to respond because it never occurred to her that you would feel your feelings mattered since she doesn't. All in all, you'll be better off without her. Friendship.

[00:07:44] [SPEAKER_01] Jealous says, how exactly did she expect this conversation to go? That you would prostrate yourself to her and give up the life you and your sister are using to move forward from the recent loss of your mom? Your friend needs serious therapy. She isn't well. This is an apartment. Housing is hard as is the grief of losing a parent. You aren't dating her ex or invalidating what she went through or asking her to live there. Space will be good for you.

[00:08:11] [SPEAKER_01] And one more comment from Floating who says, quoting the blindsided comment again, saying that makes sense. She took several angles to make sure you knew how she was hurt and accused you of choosing to intentionally hurt her and putting the apartment first. And then during this conversation, she decided the problem was the timing of the heads up and apparently that it wasn't in person. She expected the conversation to go differently because she expected you to cater to her.

[00:08:37] [SPEAKER_01] And since she's throwing around trauma, it sounds like she's good at weaponizing therapy language. She can feel invalidated and uncared for. She can't lash out over it and expect you to just be fine with it. Clearly, she has some issues she needs to deal with. Her way forward isn't likely until she manages to hold herself responsible for her behavior. But now, I'm going to turn this one to you guys. What do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:09:06] [SPEAKER_01] And let's move on to another story. Now, our next story comes from AmbitiousLoan3639. And bloody hell, this title is from the Am I the Arsehole here subreddit. It says, Am I the Arsehole for sleeping with my sister's boyfriend? But it's not what it sounds like.

[00:09:50] [SPEAKER_01] AmbitiousLoan3639.com AmbitiousLoan3639.com

[00:10:25] [SPEAKER_01] They've now been dating for the past three years and he plans to propose and has even asked for my help. Now, for the actual conflict. About a week ago, I, my sister, her boyfriend and a few of our mutual friends went out to dinner. During one of the conversations, my sister made a joke about how he better propose soon because she was starting to feel like an old maid. Her words.

[00:11:15] [SPEAKER_01] I asked her what she meant. Although it didn't really mean anything. She got mad at him first for lying and somehow he managed to convince her that never happened. And then she got mad at me for making stuff up. And direct quote, trying to sabotage our future marriage because you're not over him. I told her I was, in fact, completely over him and that I was also not lying and they both got up and left. My friends know I was telling the truth and have tried to contact her and back me up.

[00:11:44] [SPEAKER_01] She hasn't answered any of them and text me the day after saying that I wouldn't be invited to the future wedding if I didn't admit to lying. I do feel really bad and wish I hadn't said anything or lied about why I looked at him. But I felt like I owed it to her because she's my sister and he was lying. Should I have handled it differently? Not have told her at all, etc. Am I the asshole? Miserable Fondant says,

[00:12:09] [SPEAKER_01] I'd be willing to bet that the issue of whether he had sex with you specifically was brought up early on. And it bothered her so he decided to lie about it because that would have seemed easier to him than dealing with the whole issue. You are not responsible for facilitating his lies and you are not the asshole for being honest with her. But I doubt their relationship survives. The commenter says, So, they've been dating for three years but never had sex while he became sexually active at 16. But he tells her he was and still is a virgin.

[00:12:38] [SPEAKER_01] He isn't lying only about you. Perhaps he has someone else on the side or sees hookers, not the asshole. Don't lie. I hope you'll be nice enough to be there for your sister when she will see who he really is. Careless says, Definitely not the asshole. You did nothing wrong. You were honest and your ex is a giant asshole for literally gaslighting you to a member of your own family because he's a lying coward. Your sister is also kind of an asshole for immediately believing that you're lying. I can't lie.

[00:13:07] [SPEAKER_01] Part of me would want to be petty as fuck and tell her a detail about him sexually that proves you're telling the truth. But the commenter says, Not the asshole. Your sister doesn't trust you, even though you're blood who've known each other your whole lives. The fact that she trusts the word of this guy over you is her problem and not yours. I'm sure you love your sister. But it's actually very healthy for you to stay away from people who don't respect or value you. If you aren't invited to a wedding unless you lie and say that you're a liar, it's best to stay away from the toxicity.

[00:13:36] [SPEAKER_01] It must be tough to deal with knowing that this is what your sister thinks of you. But it's not your fault and you can't control how she is. On a side note, really weird to date someone your sibling was in a relationship with, even if it was for six months. And one more comment who says, Not the asshole. But your sister's world is crumbling around her. And her entire sense of judgment, being able to tell if either her fiancé or sister are lying to her, are being called into question. That has to be absolutely horrifying for her.

[00:14:06] [SPEAKER_01] I know this sounds extreme, but I was in a similar no-win scenario. I called the person caught in the middle and invited them to the polygraph I booked. I didn't even have to go through with the polygraph. The other person caved and admitted they were full of shit. But I was 100% prepared to pay $800 to save my relationship with this person. I'd consider doing the same. She may hate you at first for showing her that her fiancé is a liar, but she will thank you in the long run.

[00:14:33] [SPEAKER_01] There's many people on the back of that one talking about polygraphs being pseudoscience and all that kind of stuff. But I was just shocked I didn't know you could book that kind of thing in real life, to be honest. But OP did come in with an update and said, Okay, so I'm first going to start off with some context to clear up some confusion I was seeing. My sister and I grew up kind of religious with pretty old-fashioned parents. I didn't really buy into any of the religion stuff, but my sister did. Not quite as much as my parents, but definitely more than me.

[00:15:01] [SPEAKER_01] They always told us to wait until marriage, but I clearly did not listen to them. And I guess it never occurred to me that my sister probably did. The reason she never knew about us sleeping together is because I didn't tell her because I thought she might tell my parents and I didn't want to deal with them. The reason I didn't know she was waiting is because she has always been one to keep that kind of thing to herself and is very set on having her own privacy. When I say that we weren't in a serious relationship in high school,

[00:15:28] [SPEAKER_01] it's because I'm a firm believer that no high school relationship is that serious. We also both knew that we weren't planning on staying together forever. We only slept together two, maybe three times, which in my mind isn't very serious, even for teenagers. When my sister asked me if I'd be okay with them dating, she specifically asked if I would find it weird or uncomfortable. And I told her as long as she wasn't bothered by the fact that we used to be a couple, had no reservations. She said that she didn't mind at all,

[00:15:58] [SPEAKER_01] which I mistakenly took as she knew we slept together and didn't care. I'd always known him to be pretty truthful, and I never took it to mean that he actually completely lied to her. At dinner, the three of us were sitting at one end of the table and having the argument very quietly, so my friends didn't know what was happening until they got up and left. Otherwise, they would have defended me there. After I confessed that we slept together, he said something along the lines of, that never happened and I don't know why she would lie.

[00:16:26] [SPEAKER_01] I insisted I wasn't lying, but I also wasn't trying to be hurtful. He said some BS about how maybe their talk of marriage made me jealous and stirred up old feelings. That's when she turned on me and they left. Now, to the update. My sister came over this morning and we had a conversation and made amends. She told me that he had proposed a few days ago, but she hadn't told anyone because what I said was still weighing on her. She said that last night she went through his phone

[00:16:55] [SPEAKER_01] and found out that he'd been cheating on her repeatedly for most of the relationship and that he slept with people before they were together. She confronted him this morning and they had a huge argument. Where he said that the reason he lied is because he knew it was important to her that they were both virgins and she wouldn't have stayed with him if she found out that he wasn't the one and he really does love her and want to marry her. She thankfully did not believe him and ended it. She came straight over to apologize and hear my side of the story.

[00:17:25] [SPEAKER_01] I asked her why she blindly believed him and left the restaurant and wouldn't answer me. And she said that she was embarrassed because waiting till marriage has always been a big deal to her and she didn't want to believe that he wasn't committed to her as she was to him. I of course accepted her apology and we both decided to move past it and always trust each other. She's also decided that she's going to take some time to reconsider what values are the most important to her. All is now well. Our ex is totally the asshole.

[00:17:54] [SPEAKER_01] And please don't say anything rude about my sister. I love her a ton. And she just had a weak moment. And I think there's a lot who comment on this particular story but I'm going to go with OP on this one that the sister did have a moment of weakness. Yes, I know, I imagine a lot of people will not like her for turning on OP the way she did but she came back, she apologized and she ended it and that's what matters. The real villain here is the guy who spent years lying about something

[00:18:23] [SPEAKER_01] that he knew was deeply important to her all whilst cheating repeatedly. The guy was making a choice and he made it over and over again and OP did absolutely the correct thing in telling the truth initially. And I think sometimes, you know, being honest does cause a scene that potentially saved her sister in the end. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below and let's move on to another story.

[00:18:54] [SPEAKER_01] Now, just a warning before we do get into this next story it doesn't have an update as yet. It's a new story from the Am I the Arsehole subreddit It's a mother-in-law story and I do like those, I don't know why. It's from SpiritualPiccolo535 and it asks Am I the Arsehole for arguing with my mother-in-law about my husband's feelings for spaghetti? My husband and I, both 25, were visiting my mother-in-law's house for dinner this evening.

[00:19:22] [SPEAKER_01] After dinner, my husband offered to drive his youngest sister to a friend's house so that mother-in-law could stay home after cooking. While he was out, mother-in-law, sister-in-law and I sat around in the living room chatting. Sister-in-law was preparing to move out on her own soon and was asking about any easy-to-cook dinner recipes I had. One of the things I brought up was spaghetti. When I said that, mother-in-law chuffed and asked if I only make that when husband is working late. I was confused and told her no.

[00:19:51] [SPEAKER_01] She said, well, he doesn't like spaghetti. That's why I asked. Again, I was confused. I told her that he likes it now. Enough to request that I make it decently often. So that, she said, is it maybe your favorite thing to make and he knows it? Is that why he asks? At this point, I started getting a little annoyed because I could feel it going in a direction that she isn't a stranger to. Which is the, I'll always know more about my son than you sort of thing.

[00:20:21] [SPEAKER_01] So when I would usually just shrug and say, I don't know, to keep the peace. I decided I would push back this time. I told her that every time I make spaghetti, he polishes off over half of it that night and leftovers don't last either. Her mother-in-law turned to sister-in-law and said, you remember how much he hates spaghetti? He'd practically gag over it. To which sister-in-law shrugged and said, maybe he changed his mind. Her mother-in-law went on to say, no, I know him. He's stubborn about tastes.

[00:20:51] [SPEAKER_01] So I asked mother-in-law if she thought I was lying about him liking spaghetti. And she rolled her eyes and asked me if this was the hill I wanted to die on. Deary me. To which I said she was welcome to ask him once he got back. She shook her head and told me there was no need for her to ask. That she knew her son and she would know the answer. After that conversation faded and we all sort of just got on our phones until my husband walked back into the house.

[00:21:19] [SPEAKER_01] And the first thing I said was, hey babe, do you like spaghetti? And of course he said yes in a confused tone. I gestured my hand to him and looked at mother-in-law and said, see? And she got up and said, I gotta do something. I went back to her room and did not come back out until we left. On our way home, I explained the spaghetti thing to my husband, which he honestly did not care about. He just asked why I asked. But about an hour ago, mother-in-law sent my husband a big text about how I was rude

[00:21:48] [SPEAKER_01] and telling her that he only likes my spaghetti because I'm a better cook than her. Which I did not say. So am I the arsehole for arguing? Does it make me childish? Even though I was a little fed up with the whole song and dance. Absolutely not the arsehole. This was just a great chance to pick your battle and actually win them. The spaghetti was never really the issue, was it?

[00:22:11] [SPEAKER_01] It was the, I'll always know my son better than you dynamic that mother-in-law has obviously been running for quite a while now. It didn't sound like you raised your voice. It sounded like you was calm. You was reasonable. And as soon as your husband walked in, you let her have it. Which, you know, fucking fair play to you. It wasn't rude. You just let the man answer for himself, right? And in the end, when she walked off again, she wasn't embarrassed about the spaghetti.

[00:22:38] [SPEAKER_01] She was embarrassed because the I know him better card got called out. And it's quite that simple. And the text your husband afterwards was just some manipulative bullshit. She's trying to change the story to, you know, gain sympathy for her. And as long as your husband's backing you up in this, I see no issues. Keep doing you. 456 says, your mother-in-law is a child and she probably makes crap spaghetti. Not the arsehole. OP says, apparently it wasn't even her spaghetti he didn't like.

[00:23:08] [SPEAKER_01] My husband said it was his aunt's spaghetti that he hated when he was little. From then on, his mom would repeat that he didn't like spaghetti. So he just never ate it from anyone. I guess his dislike from spaghetti never came up before I made it for him shortly after us moving in together. He ate it because he'll at least try anything I make. And now he requests it lol. Not sure why his mom was so on top of him disliking food someone else made. But I don't think I'll ever understand that.

[00:23:36] [SPEAKER_01] Only Breadfruit says such a silly argument. No one doesn't like spaghetti. It's really just the vessel for the sauce. Not sure why that's so funny. And obviously your sauce is different to hers. Not the arsehole. As you said, she wants to know him best. But she knew the past him. Not the current him. People grow. She will have to deal. A vessel for sauce. Another commenter says not the arsehole. She sounds exhausting.

[00:24:03] [SPEAKER_01] It was she who made it a hill to die on. It was she who kept pressing the issue. It was she who told you not to bother asking your own husband. It was she who stormed out. And it was she who wrote him a garbage text. I'd email her my spaghetti recipe. And I am hungry for spaghetti right now. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Now just a huge thank you for being here today. Getting involved in the stories.

[00:24:33] [SPEAKER_01] Your love. Your support. Your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so so much for being here. And hopefully I'm going to see you in the next one. Take care. And much love.

[00:24:43] [SPEAKER_00] Yeah, man, I remember being so naive. When life was good. Weather and palm trees. Back in the day, you were everything I need. But then along came a time when you crushed my dreams. Oh, yeah, you played me like a fool. And you made me believe that the line between love was ridiculous. Oh, yeah, you see we in the spare crime everywhere. You're selling false hope because you just don't care. Nah, uh.