Family Is Making My Wife FEEL BAD About Her Service Dog For PTSD | r/AITAH

[00:00:02] [SPEAKER_00] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark B and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider a like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now quick warning before we do get into today's first story, there is ableism within the story so if you do want to skip it please feel free to do so. Timestamps are always down in the description and along the timeline below. Thank you.

[00:00:31] [SPEAKER_00] This story is from the am I the arsehole here subreddit, from Kim Boyson, who says, Am I the arsehole here for telling my sister, it doesn't matter how anyone else feels about my wife's assistance dog. My wife and I live in a different state to my family. However, we often travel to my home state for special occasions, birthdays and Christmas for example.

[00:00:52] [SPEAKER_00] My wife is a 22 year military veteran and when she was discharged it was medically. She has been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression and has spent several stints in psychiatric hospital. One for four months. She was prescribed with an assistance service dog who we have trained up under the supervision of a registered organization. And she, we call her Daisy, is formally qualified and papered. She goes pretty much everywhere we go.

[00:01:22] [SPEAKER_00] Including interstate flying in the cabin of the plane with my wife and ambulance to the hospital and also was interned with her at psychiatric units. My family are all aware of this and mostly supportive. However, last time we visited for my niece's 21st birthday, I was questioned by both my sister and my niece about whether Daisy was accompanying my wife to the party. Which I responded that she was. As my wife really struggles in loud, crowded environments.

[00:01:50] [SPEAKER_00] There was about 80 people and loud music together in one room. My niece suggested several reasons why Daisy shouldn't go. Loud music, balloons, lots of people. Which I assured her Daisy was fine with. And they already know this being familiar with Daisy's very calm temperament. My sister then spoke to me after my niece and also said similar things. Not outright saying but heavily suggesting it would be better if Daisy didn't attend.

[00:02:16] [SPEAKER_00] I just said if my wife feels she needs her, she will be attending. Sometimes my wife has been able to do small things without her but never big events like parties. Even shopping centers and restaurants, Daisy comes with her. Anyway, the party came and went. My wife had to take four Valium to cope. But managed to sit through the evening with Daisy by her side at her feet at a table. Other people throughout the evening went over to talk to her and most didn't even notice Daisy was there.

[00:02:46] [SPEAKER_00] For myself, I'm used to my wife's conditions and knew that although she was struggling, she was coping and even enjoying talking to people at times. I danced the night away, periodically sitting down beside my wife and checking in. After the party was over, we had a few days at my sister's house where the topic of her son's impending wedding came up. Again, I was asked by my sister if my wife would be taking Daisy. I again said yes, more than likely, for the same reasons as the 21st.

[00:03:15] [SPEAKER_00] Lots of people, loud noises, crowded environment. Again, it was inferred that the event wouldn't be suitable for Daisy. The tables were really crowded, lots of people. Plus my sister suggested that if my wife didn't have Daisy, she would be able to get up and dance. Before my wife had her breakdown, she was not a dancer and now with her anxiety, there's no way she'd be comfortable out on the dance floor. I was so taken aback, I didn't know how to respond.

[00:03:43] [SPEAKER_00] My wife heard my sister talking to me and so she suggested she only go to the ceremony and skip the reception to avoid my sister getting stressed out about her dog. My sister snapped. They're at the same venue. And it softened with, of course we want you to come. Both my wife and I felt very uncomfortable and kept reassuring my sister Daisy would be fine as she has been taught to sit under my wife's chair out of the way.

[00:04:08] [SPEAKER_00] It felt like the concerns raised weren't genuine concerns but just a way to feel like Daisy was unwelcome. We flew back home not long after and this is where I may be the arsehole. We woke up the next morning and the first words out of my wife's mouth were, Maybe Daisy and I should just stay home for the wedding and you go by yourself so I don't stress your sister out by taking Daisy. I felt so bad for her. It's taken such a long time for her to feel comfortable in going out in public and Daisy has been instrumental in that.

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_00] And now my family were making her feel like she wasn't welcome with her assistant's dog. I reassured her but later in the day I rang my sister and told her what my wife had said. And perhaps more care could be taken to make sure my wife wasn't feeling that her conditions were not considered. I told her my wife had said perhaps she shouldn't go to avoid stressing her out. And my sister just said, Yes, and? To which I replied that she had been prescribed a dog for a reason.

[00:05:03] [SPEAKER_00] And without her dog, my wife would likely not go anywhere like she used to. My wife said, Well, she was better last time she was down. She didn't take her anywhere. I explained that mental health goes up and down. Last time she was doing a bit better however, she had just been sick and was put on medication that messed with her regular meds. And so was only just coming out of that. Also, I reminded my sister the last time we didn't go out apart from to a restaurant. To which Daisy also came.

[00:05:31] [SPEAKER_00] I just feel like I'm constantly trying to prove my wife's medical conditions. Even her PTSD has been questioned as, my sister's words, She didn't go to Afghanistan. She even had her best friend question me about it. I'm tempted to tell them some of my wife's horror stories. But I just keep it general so they don't get secondhand trauma. My sister also said that she had to think about other people. And I said, Why? Does someone have a problem with Daisy attending?

[00:06:00] [SPEAKER_00] And she said her son, my nephew, and his future wife had spoken to her about it. I said, Well, I'll ring them. Which she hastily replied, No, you can't. They spoke to me in confidence. I said, I just don't understand what you were trying to achieve. And she said, It's not just about you. I have to think of other people. I said, Well, you wouldn't be asking Nonna if she was bringing her wheelie walker. And she said, Nonna might be in a wheelchair, so I'll have to put her at the end of the table.

[00:06:28] [SPEAKER_00] To which I snapped and said, Yes, but you wouldn't tell her she's not allowed to bring a wheelchair. And she replied, I didn't say you couldn't bring Daisy. I said back that it was disingenuous to pretend that your questions aren't designed to make us feel like she shouldn't be coming. To which she replied that she couldn't handle the stress I was causing her and said goodbye and hung up. So am I the arsehole here for calling my sister out on all her questions regarding my wife's assistance dog? Am I too sensitive? Like my sister said. Obviously,

[00:06:57] [SPEAKER_00] I'm not the arsehole in this situation. I think, and I think in some ways, just need to be a lot firmer with your family on this. Because your wife's bringing something for her medical needs. She's a military veteran with PTSD. It's not like she's bringing a pet. She's bringing medical equipment that she needs. And you were absolutely right to call her out when she was saying, Oh, I'm not saying no to it. However, I would be interested in the real reason behind this. Maybe going as far as talking to the nephew and finding out. But a commenter says, Not the arsehole.

[00:07:27] [SPEAKER_00] Stand by your wife. My suggestion with your sister is to set up a blanket statement. If you want me somewhere, my wife will be there with a service dog. That makes that possible. If you question if the dog will be there, I shall take that as you questioning if I will be there. And assume we've been uninvited as a group. Also, her son and his fiance didn't tell her anything in confidence or otherwise. I would catch her in a lie on general principle. Badgering for honey says, I'd be calling your nephew and finding out what the actual truth is.

[00:07:57] [SPEAKER_00] Then telling your sister what's what. Your wife and Daisy are one person. They come as a package. If she has a problem, she needs to verbalize properly what it is and stop beating around the bush. It sounds to me she's one of those people who think people with mental health conditions should just get over them. Hope she never has to suffer what your wife has been through. Absolutely not the arsehole and much love to your wife. Dawn says not the arsehole and don't heed your sister. Call your nephew. It's his wedding.

[00:08:25] [SPEAKER_00] You shouldn't say anything about his or his bride's feelings because you heard about them secondhand and in hints rather than statements. What you can and should do is tell him your sister has been talking to you and she's hinting that Daisy can't come to the wedding. Sadly, the only way your wife can come is with Daisy. So you want to know whether they want you and your wife and Daisy to come or prefer you all stay away. I wouldn't even suggest that you come without your wife and Daisy. Their wedding, their choice. But a wedding invitation is not a command.

[00:08:54] [SPEAKER_00] If they cannot accommodate your wife's needs, especially since these needs stem from her serving her country, you don't need to come. Another commenter says don't honor your sister's demand to not talk to the nephew. If this subject stays half addressed with innuendo and lack of clarity, people will jump to lots of wrong conclusions. And the one talking your sister will skew the opinions. Call the nephew and get clarity and give clarity. The dog is a medical necessity for your wife and not negotiable.

[00:09:23] [SPEAKER_00] It's you, your wife and a medical support dog is a package or none of you. And one more comment from Miserable Credit who says not the arsehole. This is definitely just my opinion. But your sister and niece in regards to her birthday are jealous of the dog. They probably think that Daisy is going to draw attention away from them. And yes, I think OP's sister is concerned with her being paid less attention at her son's wedding. My guess is that this isn't the first thing she'd been meddling in with the wedding either.

[00:09:50] [SPEAKER_00] I'd venture to say that they are jealous of your wife by extension as well, because she would get more attention since it's her dog. It's absolutely ridiculous considering that the dog is trained to be as unassuming as possible. And nobody who has severe social anxiety would want to be the center of attention. Your sister is ignorant as fuck and doesn't sound like she comprehends that other people experience life differently from herself. ETA get a second service dog who's trained to perform the task of

[00:10:16] [SPEAKER_00] fighting these arseholes when they start talking crap about your wife slash Daisy. OP came in with her first update and said, After reading the supportive comments from almost everyone, I ended up ringing my nephew. Firstly, a few clarifications. One, I'm a woman. It's a same-sex marriage, so I'm not her husband, but her wife. Two, her Valium is only 2mg. She took 4 that night, which is 8mg, which means she was nowhere near whacked out of her mind like some suggested.

[00:10:46] [SPEAKER_00] She has 5mg tablets as well, but prefers to hydrate the dose herself in 2mg increments for precisely that reason. Three, yes, I was dancing the night away, and this does not make me a monster. We rarely go out, and when we do, my wife loves seeing me enjoy myself and letting my hair down. As much of my life is in service to her and her conditions. She gets enjoyment from me having fun too. Plus, the dance floor was like 3m from where she was sitting, and I could see her watching me and smiling.

[00:11:16] [SPEAKER_00] Four, please refrain from calling my sister nasty names. Yes, she is out of line, but she and her kids are my only immediate family, and they're very important to me. Going no contact would hurt me as much as her. Anyway, for the update, I rang my nephew and asked him if he and his bride had a problem with Daisy accompanying my wife to their wedding, as my sister was suggesting they did. I said that while my sister hadn't directly said Daisy couldn't go, it was being heavily implied that she wasn't welcome.

[00:11:46] [SPEAKER_00] My nephew seemed kind of confused initially, and didn't really answer the question, other than to say he hadn't really thought about it. I wondered then if he was being cagey, so I asked him for his total honesty, and he said that when he spoke to his mom. Then he stopped and said, actually, mom spoke to me. He also told her he hadn't thought about it. He then said he hadn't even asked his fiancée yet. I told him my anxiety was really high over this, and I just needed to know how he felt.

[00:12:15] [SPEAKER_00] And he said, I guess I just assumed Daisy would be going with your wife as a kind of a package deal. I got quite emotional hearing this, and he told me not to worry, that everything must have been blown out of proportion, and so long as my wife was okay. He's always been a really caring kid, which is why I had my suspicions that my sister wasn't being totally honest. Anyway, we chatted some more. He told me to stop crying because otherwise he'd cry at work and all his mates would laugh at him, which made me laugh.

[00:12:44] [SPEAKER_00] He said he'd ring his mom, so I guess shit is going to hit the fan. I have several stress-related conditions because of what I've been through keeping my wife alive, so I really struggle these days with anxiety. I have Minoca, M-I-N-O-C-A, which according to Google is myocardial infarction, and I've had a heart attack in the past from stress. I've been having really bad chest pain from this and stomach upset, so although I was tempted to tell my nephew not to call his mom,

[00:13:13] [SPEAKER_00] I need a resolution one way or another. The limbo is too difficult to manage, so I guess there will be another update. Opie then adds some additional information in the comments and says, thank you so much for your considered reply and your service too. My wife is on medication that helps. It's taken a few years to get it right, and she sees a psychiatrist and psychologist every fortnight and is linked in with other VA services. She has also given up alcohol.

[00:13:40] [SPEAKER_00] She drinks 0% beers now, which she says are great, and she undertakes an exercise program. It's taken a long time and a ton of effort on her behalf to get to this point, and a lot of input and help from me. That's why I'm so protective of her. I know the hell she's been through to get to the point where she can even consider going to big events. Everyone else just thinks she's fine. I still see her nightmares at night. Her sitting in the car, willing the courage to get out with Daisy at the shops, her anxiety rising in crowds,

[00:14:11] [SPEAKER_00] her bad days in the privacy at home, etc., etc. You know the story. I've tried to encourage her to link up with other veterans, but she finds some people too triggering, and we've had a couple of instances where vets have been inappropriate because they are unwell. She may consider it again, but right now she keeps her bubble small. Thank you for your kind words. I'm not the perfect partner all the time, but I do give it 100% effort, that's for sure. She deserves it, and so do you. Opiates another comment saying,

[00:14:39] [SPEAKER_00] my wife has had a seizure in the past from PTSD nightmares, but it was only once. My sister knows she's been hospitalized. She's seen her not be able to get out of bed for days with migraines, but it seems when my wife is functioning better, that it's all forgotten. My wife is very good at hiding her illnesses too. Years of being in the military teaches you that, but I don't think it's specific to my wife. When I was in hospital with a perforated bowel, I felt that was minimized by my sister too.

[00:15:09] [SPEAKER_00] Unless it's happened to her, she seems to struggle to empathize at times, but is very caring sometimes too. It's really confusing. My sister is a very complicated person. She has suffered the trauma of losing my mom like I did, quite young, and her death was quite horrific. My sister has very bad anxiety, and I guess that's where the extreme need for control comes from too. I have control issues too, although not to the same degree, and have worked really hard on letting go. My sister seems to be getting worse,

[00:15:38] [SPEAKER_00] but she won't recognize the problem, and won't get help, and no one apart from me occasionally stands up to her. My niece tries too, but it doesn't go well at all. So, it was two months after this, that OP did come in with what they titled their final update, and just says, ugh, I've been asked for an update quite a few times now, and I'm sorry, but I just haven't been able to face it. So, I'll try my best. Here goes. After I spoke to my nephew, my sister rang me, pretty livid that I had spoken to him.

[00:16:08] [SPEAKER_00] She said she'd never said Daisy couldn't come. I guess technically, that's true, but that she didn't understand why Daisy was sometimes with my wife, and sometimes not. And it was all too confusing for her, and I could explain it, etc. Firstly, my wife and Daisy are together over 90% of the time. I think one time when we were visiting my sister, we popped down the local shops briefly, and Daisy didn't come. We're out for half an hour tops, and my wife was having a good day.

[00:16:38] [SPEAKER_00] My sister then brought up a motorbike event that my wife had mentioned she might be going to later in the year, and said that obviously my wife wouldn't take Daisy. So how did I explain that? I said I didn't know about that, and I wasn't even sure my wife was going. When I spoke to my wife later on, she said she hadn't decided yet if she was going, as it was months away, and she wouldn't know how she would feel, and that if she went, Daisy would be going, as they have support vehicles, and she could travel on that while my wife was on the bike,

[00:17:07] [SPEAKER_00] and be with my wife the rest of the time. Obviously, my wife would only attempt this trip if she was in a good place, as riding a motorcycle long distance takes a lot of concentration and energy. At this stage, she thinks she's probably not going, but it's nice to dream. My sister said she never said anything about Afghanistan, promptly followed by, I know there's Iraq and Iran as well, as two places my wife hasn't been in the Navy either. So that didn't really help her case. Anyway,

[00:17:37] [SPEAKER_00] it was a whole lot of emotional justifying and defending her position, gaslighting, etc. It was exhausting and emotionally draining, and I was an anxious crying mess by the end of it, trying to defend my wife's medically diagnosed conditions, and a medically prescribed assistance dog. We're in Australia. Assistance dogs equal service dogs. My sister said the whole point was she just wanted to be able to discuss it, and that I was just like auntie, someone she hates. So that was another kick in the guts.

[00:18:06] [SPEAKER_00] I finished up by saying, I feel we have discussed it now, and there was no need for further discussion. Since then, I've been very panicky, feeling like I won't have a family if we didn't get over this, like she'd turn her kids against me, misrepresent what I was saying, etc. So I kept trying to have friendly, normal chats, trying to get back to a happy place. I was totally out of control and desperate to smooth things over. I ended up on medication just to cope with my anxiety. Sorry if this is all a bit scattered.

[00:18:36] [SPEAKER_00] I'm finding it hard to write about, as I don't want to think about it and spiral. I'm better now, more in control, but it's been a couple of months getting there. Since the argument, we've been civil, but it's a weird vibe, like a big fat elephant sitting in the room. Today, I was having a conversation with her and things were a little warmer, until she started talking about our uncle, who admittedly is a bit of a strange guy and who she also hates, saying how dare he decide my niece, her daughter, had a problem with him.

[00:19:06] [SPEAKER_00] He'd sent her a text message that she didn't reply to, so he wrote to me saying he didn't mean to upset her. He was just making assumptions. Then, she started ranting about how this family has a real problem with that, people making assumptions about other people's intentions. Which I knew, she was having a go at me and my wife, so I cut her off and said, I better let you go back to work, and said goodbye. My sister is never going to admit fault. She's always the victim. Everyone else is oversensitive or just plain wrong,

[00:19:34] [SPEAKER_00] and it's just so disappointing and maddening. But there's nothing to be done. It's either I stand up and we fight and she never talks to me again, or I just try to focus on her good points. She does have them, and ignore this behavior. Surely, surely deep down, she must feel bad. Maybe? I can't imagine how she can possibly think her behavior is okay, but maybe she does. All I can do is have boundaries, but try to assert them gently and without too much conflict. On a positive note,

[00:20:04] [SPEAKER_00] I spoke to my nephew again when I rang him for his birthday, and he brought it up again. I was going to leave it, and reassured me that he'd spoke to his fiancee, and both of them are happy to have Daisy there, and it's all been a misunderstanding, and he didn't want his mom and I to fall out over this. He's such a good kid, well, man now. He also knows his mom very well, but like everyone takes the path of least resistance. He even defended her, saying that he probably gave her the wrong impression. He didn't. He's just trying to take

[00:20:33] [SPEAKER_00] the responsibility off his mom, which is something he would do as he wants everyone to get along. I wish just for once she could see that sometimes her behavior is really hurtful, and ease up on the judgment and controlling behavior. She never takes responsibility for her harsh words, and anyone have any ideas what makes someone behave this way? Because I'm stumped. Thanks for listening. I can't talk to anyone else. Absolutely heartbreaking that situation is for a couple of reasons, really, and my first thought would be

[00:21:03] [SPEAKER_00] like absolutely low contact, no contact with that sister because she just sounds like an absolute awful person, but I also thought, you know, saying low contact, no contact is very easy for me to say when I'm not in that position, right? Because we can all see that's what should be happening in this situation because the sister isn't going to change and she's constantly making Opie's wife feel like shit for having a service dog. Lots of comments suggesting that the sister isn't looking at it legitimate disability,

[00:21:31] [SPEAKER_00] just absolutely awful person. And then, and then the nephews confirmed that there was never a problem to begin with. So, you know, the sister's just making all this shit up for control, to control the situation. And Opie's to the point right now where they're so anxious about everything that's going on that they're medicating to cope with these family interactions, trying to keep the peace, which, you know, isn't a good thing. But part of me was also thinking about the caregiver side of things at the same time and potentially maybe Opie's feeling isolated and that's why

[00:22:01] [SPEAKER_00] she's clinging onto family so hard even though we can see how awful her sister is. It almost feels like the sister's latched onto that in some kind of way. You know, if you step out of line you're going to risk losing me and the only family connection that you've got kind of thing. And to me it just sounds like she needs some support herself. It sounds like she's dealing with everyone else's emotions at the same time as well as dealing with her own anxiety which is just really sad in the end I found. Again, there was a lot of assumptions on my part in that comment

[00:22:30] [SPEAKER_00] so, you know, take that with a massive, massive pinch of salt. But what do you guys make of this situation? How would you deal with it if it was you? What are your thoughts about the sister's reasonings behind all of this? Why is she being so secretive? Let us know your thoughts and just a huge thank you for being here today, getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so, so much for being here. Truly, it's absolutely amazing and hopefully I'll see you

[00:23:00] [SPEAKER_00] in the next one. Take care and much love.