My Husband Is Claiming I'm Emasculating Him By Turning Him Down r/Relationships

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[00:01:01] I'm currently on maternity leave for our second child, female. Due to a complicated

[00:01:12] delivery and my status as a junior associate, my firm extended my leave to 90 days, including

[00:01:19] next Friday. My libido has been nearly non-existent. I also had a drop of libido after our first

[00:01:25] child, 3 female, was born. I've unintentionally neglected my husband, who values physical

[00:01:31] intimacy as a love language, and I haven't been receptive. My concerns intensified when

[00:01:37] my husband, Derek, suggested I become a stay-at-home mom instead of returning to work, while we

[00:01:43] both earned six figures. My income as a corporate lawyer surpasses his salary as an engineer.

[00:01:49] He proposed he would apply for a promotion, and by eliminating the need for daycare and

[00:01:55] a nanny and making budget adjustments, asserts he can adequately provide for our family under

[00:02:00] this new arrangement. Initially, I declined the proposal. I'm also in line for a promotion

[00:02:06] to senior associate at my job, in our 8-year relationship and 4-year marriage. He understands

[00:02:11] the importance of my career to me, just as I respect his career aspirations. I emphasized

[00:02:17] that with both our anticipated promotions, we could secure a better future for our daughters.

[00:02:23] He cautioned me against rushing my decision and attempted intimacy, but I found his approach

[00:02:29] off-putting and declined even cuddling. Consequently, he spent last night in the guest room. After

[00:02:34] a challenging night with a baby, I confronted him this morning about his lack of assistance.

[00:02:39] To my surprise, I found Derek trembling and sobbing, expressing feelings of abandonment

[00:02:45] and emasculation. He referenced our diminished intimacy since our first daughter's birth

[00:02:51] and a perceived power imbalance due to my career success. He feels redundant in our family,

[00:02:57] amplifying his feelings of inadequacy. He eventually composed himself and left for work,

[00:03:03] visibly upset and distant. He barely acknowledged the breakfast I prepared and didn't kiss

[00:03:08] me goodbye. As of now, he hasn't responded to any texts or calls. I recently received

[00:03:14] a message from my mother-in-law inquiring why Derek is at her house, as he arrived with

[00:03:19] the intention of spending the night. She's concerned there might have been a dispute,

[00:03:24] as he hasn't communicated with her either.

[00:03:26] So, as always, there's a couple of comments with replies from OP, so,

[00:03:30] Catastrophe8503 says, not the arsehole. If he's feeling redundant in his family, then

[00:03:35] maybe he shouldn't be neglecting his duties as a father. You can only be made redundant

[00:03:40] if you're not contributing in areas where your participation is necessary.

[00:03:45] And a great way to make sex an impossible goal is to exhaust your spouse by checking

[00:03:49] out of baby care. We have not failed in any way as a partner by having a temporarily diminished

[00:03:55] desire for physical intimacy, and respecting his love language doesn't ever require you

[00:04:01] to give up your bodily autonomy. There's something wrong in your marriage. It won't

[00:04:06] be fixed by you giving up your career and independence. He's trying to manipulate

[00:04:10] your feelings and decrease the success and earning potential of your children's parents

[00:04:15] so he can feel like a big man. Really think about what he's trying to take from you and

[00:04:19] make your family sacrifice to service his ego. It's not rational, it's nonsensical.

[00:04:25] You guys need therapy together and he needs therapy by himself, cause this isn't okay.

[00:04:31] Not the arsehole.

[00:04:32] Op replies saying, Derek didn't help last night, but he is usually helpful in carrying

[00:04:37] the baby when she is crying or massaging my back before he falls asleep. He also helps

[00:04:42] with minor household chores. Op on if she has emasculated her husband in the past and

[00:04:48] like what was his reaction about it, Op says no, this is the first time he has complained.

[00:04:52] He'd been a very supportive husband before, genuinely interested in my career. The first

[00:04:58] time he proposed I become a stay at home mum was a week ago and he only mentioned feeling

[00:05:03] emasculated this morning.

[00:05:05] Chris82868 says, Did he not marry a woman who was a lawyer or on the track to becoming

[00:05:11] one? I mean, I'm taking it that this isn't a new career. Op says, I was still in law

[00:05:16] school when we met. Derek even helped me with my student loans so that we were both debt

[00:05:21] free when we got married.

[00:05:25] And some additional comments and look who it is, a fellow waffle gang member just lurking

[00:05:30] around there, my couch pulls out, I don't, I did see the reference now.

[00:05:35] And says, Not the arsehole, reality check. His feelings are valid but they're also his

[00:05:40] responsibility. He needs to own up to his emotions and figure out how to deal with

[00:05:44] them constructively instead of letting them consume him. You're juggling a newborn, a

[00:05:49] demanding career and your own emotional baggage. It's a lot to handle and it's okay to feel

[00:05:54] overwhelmed. But here's the thing, you need to cut yourself some slack. You're doing the

[00:05:59] best you can and that's all anyone can ask for.

[00:06:02] Your best bet here? Sit down with your husband and have a real talk. No blame, no judgement,

[00:06:08] just honest conversation. Listen to each other, validate each other's feelings and figure

[00:06:13] out how to move forward together.

[00:06:16] No Royal replies that and says, I'm less charitable towards the husband. He does not

[00:06:20] pull his weight as a parent and expects sex after delivery of a newborn. He wants to

[00:06:25] sabotage his wife's career to be the man. He abandons his infant daughter due to said feelings.

[00:06:31] No wonder his wife does not go to town on his member.

[00:06:35] A final comment from KeySecret who says there is something not right in your relationship

[00:06:38] that needs deep thought. As everyone has said, you and he need some therapy. My other point

[00:06:44] is do not give up your career unless you really want to be a stay at home mum. I did this

[00:06:49] when my son was born, 26 years ago. We originally decided since I made more money than my husband

[00:06:55] did and was the lone provider of benefits, medical etc. He'd leave his job and I'd

[00:07:01] continue to work. But after having to deal with so much BS politics, he returned to

[00:07:05] work and I quit my job. At the time I was pregnant again so it made so much sense. Fast

[00:07:12] forward a quarter of a century, I'm now earning the same pay as when I quit 25 years

[00:07:17] ago. We believed that one parent should stay home. We still think it was a good idea but

[00:07:21] it has been financially crippling. My path back to reasonable employment took me 2 decades

[00:07:28] and we lost out on 20 years of retirement savings. Listen to your inner voice, it's

[00:07:32] almost always right. Women are at such a disadvantage in the workforce that by stepping away you

[00:07:38] risk your future. Period.

[00:07:40] So OP does update their post and says last night I wrote a post in the ammo of the arsehole

[00:07:45] regarding a situation that was bothering me. Two nights ago we had a discussion and he

[00:07:50] threw a tantrum. That night he slept in the guest room and yesterday he went radio silent

[00:07:55] and finally spent the night at his parents. He said nothing to me, it was my mother in

[00:08:00] law who told me. I was a little pissed by his attitude but also concerned if I was in

[00:08:04] the wrong. I, 33 female, am on extended maternity leave. I am doing well and I have an opportunity

[00:08:11] to become a senior associate at the firm where I work. My husband, 31 male, Derek, not his

[00:08:17] real name, is an engineer. We are doing financially great with both of us earning 6 figures. Although

[00:08:24] my current earnings are slightly higher than his. Derek has been very supportive of my

[00:08:29] career and while he's not an equal partner in parenting our two daughters, 3 female and

[00:08:34] 12 weeks, he has been very helpful at home. Last week he proposed that I should not return

[00:08:39] to work. My leave ends next Friday and become a stay at home mum. At first I thought it

[00:08:45] was a joke but he kept mentioning it, bringing up arguments such as applying for a promotion

[00:08:50] himself and saving on daycare and nanny expenses, along with other adjustments to make it financially

[00:08:56] feasible. Again, I didn't think he was serious. Two nights ago he brought up the topic again.

[00:09:03] He also talked about traditional gender roles and how our daughters would benefit from a

[00:09:07] stay at home mother. I felt disgusted by his words and when he tried to approach me, I

[00:09:13] rejected his advances and didn't even let him hug or cuddle me. That's when he went

[00:09:18] to the guest room. I couldn't sleep well that night due to attending to our infant

[00:09:22] daughter. When I went to complain yesterday morning, Derek was shaking and sobbing. He

[00:09:28] expressed that he was feeling redundant and emasculated. He then left for work without

[00:09:32] saying much and didn't come home. This morning he finally wrote to me, apologizing for his

[00:09:36] tantrum and promising me he would talk this evening face to face. He told me not to call.

[00:09:42] He has been brief and monosyllabic in his texts. Many comments on the original post labeled

[00:09:46] him as a massive red flag. He isn't. He's been a very supportive partner and a helpful

[00:09:52] parent. This tantrum is out of character for him. Derek is not a mama's boy. Other comments

[00:09:58] suggest that I might have neglected him. There is some truth to that. His love language is

[00:10:03] physical but my libido has diminished since my first and halted during the second trimester

[00:10:08] of this last pregnancy. He's expressed some dissatisfaction but we've compensated with

[00:10:14] other forms of intimacy. Some advice suggested I should not quit my job. I won't. That's

[00:10:20] non-negotiable. There are suggestions that this is a mental health crisis. I think this

[00:10:25] could be the case. I certainly haven't checked on Derek seriously to see how he is doing.

[00:10:30] This could explain the meltdown but not his proposal. I'm not sure if I am asking for

[00:10:35] any advice. I'm hopeful that this evening we can at least solve the immediate problems

[00:10:40] and agree on seeking therapy.

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[00:11:46] So Opie comes in with another update and says oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Those of you

[00:11:55] who commented that Derek might have been influenced by red pill ideology, you were spot on. Last

[00:12:01] night he had a talk with his parents. This afternoon my father-in-law called me to check

[00:12:05] on me and give me a heads up on what they discussed. Father-in-law recognized some talking

[00:12:10] points from Manosphere videos and asked Derek directly what kind of content he has been

[00:12:16] consuming lately. He scolded Derek for the absurdity of wanting to be a manly man and

[00:12:22] running to his parents house for what was essentially a tantrum. I would have paid to

[00:12:26] see that. Anyhow, it was unacceptable that he wasn't home with his wife and kids.

[00:12:32] For context, my in-laws, 62 male, 58 female were a traditional family. Father-in-law worked

[00:12:39] in trade. Mother-in-law was a secretary but became a housewife when my sister-in-law was

[00:12:43] born. Mother-in-law volunteered at church and in the community and had many side businesses.

[00:12:48] They encouraged sister-in-law to seek a career and taught Derek to seek an equal partner

[00:12:53] in his relationships. I had no problem fitting in with the family as I was what they expected

[00:12:58] for their son. Anyhow, Derek finally came home early in the evening, very apologetic and

[00:13:03] claiming to have been misguided by certain content. I could sense that he wasn't genuinely

[00:13:09] remorseful and sincere. I decided not to confront him but rather ask him how neglected he truly

[00:13:15] felt. Even if the specific ideas about a trad wife came from Red Pill videos, he might have

[00:13:20] been influenced by being vulnerable. I opened that door and he tried to follow it. But

[00:13:25] I realized he wasn't sincere. I mean, he does have issues but he isn't just a victim

[00:13:30] of those circumstances. Some of you suggested that I might have prevented Derek from taking

[00:13:35] a more active role in running our home. We agreed that we should both go to therapy

[00:13:40] to address our individual issues and seek couples therapy to keep our marriage afloat.

[00:13:46] Derek also promised no more tantrums and we agreed I would return to work when the leave

[00:13:50] is over. I am cautiously optimistic that this will work. I think Derek is sincere in his

[00:13:56] compromises but he is not sincere in his remorse. This could go either way, but now

[00:14:01] he will stay home.

[00:14:03] Edit, not much of an update as there's been no recent developments. We're trying to

[00:14:08] return to normalcy we used to enjoy. I will address some questions and comments. Some

[00:14:13] have accused me of dismissing Derek's concerns and referring to them as a tantrum. In reality,

[00:14:19] it was Derek who used that term in his text apology yesterday morning. I simply continue

[00:14:24] to use it, even though I know better. I was asked if he was still consuming those podcasts.

[00:14:30] Short of confiscating his phone, which I can't do, it's too soon to confirm a change in

[00:14:34] his habits. I haven't caught him watching those videos but it's not something I had

[00:14:39] noticed before.

[00:14:40] Regarding red flags, up until recently Derek was an ideal husband. I don't know when

[00:14:45] he changed. I was dealing with my own postpartum issues and couldn't tell if he had changed

[00:14:51] or if I was overreacting. So yes, he has exhibited red flags lately but he hasn't

[00:14:56] always been this way. Some have suggested that Derek might be cheating. While I don't

[00:15:01] think that's the issue, I can't be certain. A couple of months ago I would have sworn

[00:15:05] that was impossible. However, it's not my main hypothesis.

[00:15:10] A few of you have suggested that having a stay at home parent, specifically the mother,

[00:15:14] is beneficial for our children and that I shouldn't reject that idea vehemently. Both Derek's

[00:15:20] jobs and mine allow us to work from home a great deal of the time and we're financially

[00:15:24] able to hire a permanent daytime nanny or secure good daycare. My promotion will reduce

[00:15:29] some of my home office time but I could still be home for nearly two weekdays. Derek's

[00:15:34] potential promotion will require full-time office hours. The first time he mentioned

[00:15:38] that possibility, he was against taking it because his salary increase wouldn't compensate

[00:15:43] for his time away from the girls. That's one of the reasons I was so dismissive when

[00:15:47] he first proposed that I quit my job and take the promotion, as it contradicted what

[00:15:53] he had expressed before.

[00:15:54] A couple of comments from that one. Existing Watch says you bring in more money and do

[00:16:00] a majority of the parenting. Have fun being a single mother while married.

[00:16:04] Opie says I never had the impression that I was a married single woman or that Derek

[00:16:09] was just another kid. He's not an equal partner but he has been very helpful. He is usually

[00:16:14] aware of what's going on in the household and handles about 40% of the childcare related

[00:16:19] tasks, outside of nanny's hours and 30% of the household chores. We have weekly help

[00:16:24] for laundry and other heavy tasks. I make most of the decisions at home but I think

[00:16:29] it's more because I prefer things to go as I plan rather than because he is uninvolved.

[00:16:34] In retrospect, he has been less involved than usual for the past few weeks though.

[00:16:39] In a couple of other comments, Liddle says how is it okay for a father to leave home

[00:16:44] and request his wife not to contact him when he has very young kids in her care?

[00:16:48] Agitated Pilot says I think your husband is trying to regain his power by weakening

[00:16:52] you financially and career wise. He'd be the powerful one and you'll live out your

[00:16:57] life under the threat of a financial crisis at his whim. I'd be very suspicious.

[00:17:03] But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys. What do you guys make of this situation?

[00:17:09] A lot of the comments were like this isn't going in a good direction but what do you

[00:17:13] think? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below and let's move on to

[00:17:17] another story.

[00:17:19] Now, the other day I read a story about an entitled passenger on a flight and I just

[00:17:25] spotted another one so you should know me. I love all that sort of stuff. This is from

[00:17:29] Traveller Vale who says entitled passenger on a flight.

[00:17:34] I was told that this story belonged in this subreddit. This story happened a few years

[00:17:39] ago so details might be a bit hazy. I was returning home from a trip that I cut short

[00:17:44] due to a family health emergency. The flight was pleasant but I was in a bad place mentally.

[00:17:49] I did what I usually do in situations like that and kept to myself saying few words.

[00:17:55] I plugged in my headphones and started listening to some podcast during the two hour flight.

[00:18:00] Over the sound of the podcast, I heard someone speaking loudly in a pretentious nasally voice

[00:18:05] talking. I pulled out my earbuds and heard a guy arguing with a flight attendant about

[00:18:10] how he asked for something several times but didn't get it. I didn't really care and

[00:18:15] tried to ignore him but he kept going, asking the flight attendant for her name and telling

[00:18:20] her that the airline company must hear about it. I don't remember what he wanted but it

[00:18:24] was some kind of drink they didn't have available for some reason.

[00:18:29] I returned to my podcast and raised the volume. 10 minutes later by the podcast timer, he

[00:18:34] was still ranting in his annoyingly pretentious way about professionalism, respect and giving

[00:18:39] customers what they want. I switched to some rock music to drown him out and saw the captain

[00:18:45] coming over to talk to him. He was flailing his arms around like spaghetti. My worry about

[00:18:50] my hospitalized grandmother gave way to anger and I started fantasizing about all the different

[00:18:55] ways I would shut him up. The captain walked away with a frustrated look on his face and

[00:19:00] The flight attendant started serving the other passengers and ignoring his attempts

[00:19:04] to stir up trouble. I think they got him some alternative drink which he never touched.

[00:19:10] We landed and I put my earbuds away to get ready to leave. He was the first in line by

[00:19:15] the airplane door and I was right behind him. The door opened and an airport security guard

[00:19:19] was standing there to escort him through the tube. I followed and by the end of the tube

[00:19:24] a higher ranking guard was waiting for him. He stood blocking the way out and I saw that

[00:19:29] the other passengers behind me were fed up with this guy who never shut up for more than

[00:19:33] half of the flight time. He was arguing about how terrible the crew and service was and

[00:19:38] how he never had service this bad. He kept saying he needs to leave now because his family

[00:19:43] were waiting for him for some similar non reason. My anger was starting to boil. Should I shove

[00:19:50] him? Bang my pulling bag onto his leg? Punch him in the back? Would everybody clap? I had

[00:19:56] to head straight to the hospital and everyone behind me had places to go. I've heard many

[00:20:00] stories about people like him online, across many different channels. Nobody would feel

[00:20:05] bad for them but this wasn't only about them, it was also about who I am and what kind of

[00:20:10] person I want to be. I took a couple of deep breaths to calm down as he was telling the

[00:20:15] guards how to do their jobs and with the most aggressive tone I could come up with despite

[00:20:19] my stress and exhaustion spoke up. Get the fuck out of my way. That F-bomb was enough

[00:20:25] to stun him since everyone else was following a code of conduct required by their jobs and

[00:20:29] for the first time since I noticed him he had nothing to say. The guards took advantage

[00:20:33] of his silence and started to move him away, hopefully to some back office where he'd be

[00:20:37] delayed for a few hours. I left the airport and headed home for a quick shower and change

[00:20:43] of clothes before going to the hospital. My thoughts kept going back to that entitled guy

[00:20:47] and how he thought he could be pretentious and rude with people whose jobs require them

[00:20:52] to be polite. Politeness never works for them and sometimes meeting someone who thinks

[00:20:57] they're scum is the wake up call they deserve. Edit.

[00:21:01] My grandmother just passed away peacefully earlier today. She started to go out with

[00:21:05] the 2024 solar eclipse and didn't suffer for too long. I will cherish every moment I spent

[00:21:12] with her. Now firstly rest in peace to your grandma of course and I'm so sorry for your

[00:21:17] loss.

[00:21:18] Whilst not the most dramatic of airplane dramas we've seen, it always has me wondering

[00:21:25] with people like this guy on the plane, someone's just trying to do their job. All you need

[00:21:31] to do is be polite to them, talk to them like a human. Why is that so difficult for some

[00:21:37] people? I understand frustrations with certain situations can get you a bit more heated.

[00:21:44] I've certainly been down that path as well. Especially over the phone with call centres

[00:21:48] when you're getting passed from pillar to post etc etc. Most of the time I always start

[00:21:53] my conversation if I'm going to have a little moan or something I always say look this isn't

[00:21:56] directed at you at all. I'm just getting a bit frustrated with the situation and the

[00:22:01] company in general. And most of the time the person is totally understanding they say yeah

[00:22:06] I get where you're coming from etc.

[00:22:09] When I worked in that company that had a call centre whenever someone got sort of leery

[00:22:13] and angry it never got them anywhere. There was a story that went around the office this

[00:22:19] was like for a furniture insurance company. I only worked in the warehouse at the time

[00:22:23] so you know I was only dealing with like furniture parts and you know brand new sofas etc etc.

[00:22:29] So they'd come in, they get sent out to the customer then they get fitted on their sofas.

[00:22:34] This particular customer was waiting for like an arm cover to come in because the arm cover

[00:22:39] had ripped or whatever I think they had like pet damage or something like that. And apparently

[00:22:43] this guy phoned about like 10 times in the space of a week while they're waiting for

[00:22:47] this part to come from Italy. And I didn't hear this conversation by the way this is

[00:22:52] just what went around the office but apparently like on one of the later calls the part was

[00:22:57] coming in the next day but this guy phoned up and he got so angry that someone heard

[00:23:01] him like kick the arm off of his sofa almost like it's too late f**k you bang and kick

[00:23:06] the sofa and just kick the arm of it off. And because that was intentional damage they

[00:23:10] couldn't replace it. They offered to like go like put the cover back on the arm but they

[00:23:15] wouldn't attach the arm back to the sofa. It was just like oh f**k's sake man. Anyway

[00:23:20] I've gone off on one as usual. What do you guys make of this situation? Have you ever

[00:23:25] had your own entitled maybe in a store we've had a lot of supermarket stories. Stop going

[00:23:30] off on my mic. We've had a lot of supermarket stories but what do you think let us know your

[00:23:33] thoughts down in the comments below. Thank you for being here today. Much loved you.

[00:23:37] Goodbye.

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