My Girlfriends EX Text Me Saying Her BFF "Will Wear You Out" - Should I Be Worried?

[00:00:02] [SPEAKER_00] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:21] [SPEAKER_00] Now today's first story comes from the relationship advice subreddit from a throwaway account who says my 26 male girlfriends 28 female ex warned me about her BFF 32 male. I think he was right. We've been dating for four months now. Everything has been great except for one thing. Her BFF. Dude is clearly in love with her but she refuses to see it.

[00:00:48] [SPEAKER_00] He is always joking about how he is the one that will make her the happiest, that she should be with as they are soulmates etc. She has known the dude for close to eight years now and has never dated him but he has been her BFF for a very long time. It didn't bother me till she started bringing him on our dates as he was feeling lonely and he has no other friends. Seriously dude is 32 but I've never seen him with any friends. In fact our first fight was also about him.

[00:01:18] [SPEAKER_00] As she was asking me to take him with me when I was going to hang out with my friends. But I drew a clear red line. Not happening. Also around one month ago her ex contacted me via Facebook. We attended the same college and asked me to be careful about the BFF. At that time I thought it was just something a jealous ex would say but now I agree with him 100%.

[00:01:42] [SPEAKER_00] Dude calls her regularly when she is out with me. Always tries to come with us on our dates and generally makes demands on her time so much that sometimes I feel like a third wheel. Now I should make it clear that my girlfriend never crosses any boundaries with him. But at the same time she doesn't shut him down forcefully. At first I thought about giving her an ultimatum but ours is a 4 month old relationship and they go back 8 years. There's no point in giving an ultimatum.

[00:02:10] [SPEAKER_00] So the only other way is to break up with her. Which is a shame because she has an awesome girlfriend apart from this. Is there any other way Reddit? Anything I can do so that our relationship doesn't break down? I'd really like to hear any and all plans. Please guys. Thank you. Now as always with situations like this the issue isn't that this bloke exists in her life. It's that she's prioritizing his feelings over yours.

[00:02:39] [SPEAKER_00] Bringing him on dates? Asking you to potentially babysit him with your mates? She's managing his emotions here about her dating someone else. And I'm not sure I actually believe she's totally oblivious to his feelings. I think she knows. I mean his comments towards the start of the post pretty much said it. So is she being conflict avoidant on this or is she not wanting to lose the validation and the attention that he's providing?

[00:03:08] [SPEAKER_00] Part of me is thinking about is that the reason that the ex broke up with her because of the BFF? Because it certainly sounds that way but Dongus Maximus what a name says. Is he the reason why her ex and her broke up? She needs a serious wake up call. This relationship is between you and her. Her BFF doesn't feature. It's okay if occasionally you hang out. You hang out. But bringing him along on dates is fucked up.

[00:03:35] [SPEAKER_00] And you need to tell her that if she can't see that then that's a problem. Ruval says he can tease the issue without making it an ultimatum. The BFF is around slash intrude on date night so much that I'm not sure I can handle it much longer. Please enforce some boundaries with him. Then see what boundaries she thinks are reasonable. Opie can decide if he needs to leave then. We'll also know he raised the issue and at least tried. Opie says I've talked about this with her at least five times.

[00:04:03] [SPEAKER_00] The only thing remaining is to say that if I see him I'm out. But frankly I'm tired now. Oreck said the BFF will wear you out. And he was right. Sinister says my closest friend is a woman. I don't have a BFF. Because I'm not a fucking 12 year old. And when we were both in our wild dating years we were always working as each other's wing person. Neither of us ever had a problem with a partner being jealous of our friendship. Because we never gave them a reason to be.

[00:04:33] [SPEAKER_00] Because there wasn't a reason to be. Far too many friend zone people out there giving the rest of us purely platonic opposite gender best friends a bad name. Opie says lol. That's the one thing I'm taking away from this I guess. If a male best friend is involved in a future relationship. I'll be out faster than Bolt. Chonko says. One of my best friends is a guy. We've been friends for longer than I've known my partner.

[00:04:59] [SPEAKER_00] Had he made jokes about how he's the only one that can really make me happy and push to join our dates. Or done anything to make it seem like he has any other than strictly platonic intentions. I would have shut him down instantly. Because it would make me uncomfortable and cross my boundaries. Same goes for any of my friendships really. Since I'm bi. My partner knows this and trusts that if he brings up reasonable grievances about any of my friends' behaviors. We talk them out and reassess our boundaries so we're all good.

[00:05:27] [SPEAKER_00] Same goes for me if I have any reasonable grievances about any of his friends. If she can't see it your boundaries will continue to be crossed. And this is how it will be now if you can't show her. If she can see it but downplays it because she doesn't actually mind. Nothing will ever change. But she is also choosing his comfort over yours. OP quoting she is also choosing his comfort over yours. And then says that's the crux of the issue. She has a genuine 10 out of 10. And we have insane chemistry together.

[00:05:56] [SPEAKER_00] And she is a really good person. But I'm at the end of my rope here. Which is what her ex warned me about. Her BFF will wear you out. That's what he said. And now I think he is right. During the same day OP updates the post. And says I've decided to break up with her. Sure I can talk with her again. But I've already talked to her 5 times with nothing to show for it. So I will do it tonight when I get off work. Doing it over text doesn't seem to be nice.

[00:06:25] [SPEAKER_00] Thank you for helping me reach a conclusion. I appreciate it. So OP comes in with that final update. And says so I broke up with her. It was difficult to do. But I knew it was the right thing to do. I went to her apartment. And basically told her that this relationship is not working for me. She was surprised. As we had just watched a movie on the weekend. So I took that opportunity. And explained to her. That it was supposed to be a date with just us two. And instead she bought her BFF there.

[00:06:53] [SPEAKER_00] I told her I have no issues with her friendship with her BFF. But it has been regularly infringing on our time. And that is something which has always overshadowed our relationship. And I have absolutely no interest in competing for her attention with her BFF. Also the dude openly flirts with you right in front of me. And I have absolutely no desire to be in this kind of dysfunctional relationship. So this is goodbye. Hopefully you are able to put boundaries with your BFF before moving on with someone else. And if you don't then it's not my headache anymore.

[00:07:22] [SPEAKER_00] And then I walked away as she was trying to say it's not like that. She has no feelings for the BFF. And he was just lonely. I honestly didn't want to hear anything at that point. So I walked away. I'm sad right now. But I will be okay eventually. Thank you for the support guys. It was appreciated. Kit says. If she can't see the problem by now. She never will. Word says. This is what I thought was funny. She now has two exes that pointed out her BFF was a big problem in their relationship.

[00:07:51] [SPEAKER_00] But instead of acknowledging it might be a little too much. She goes straight for her. It's not like that line. Lex Wolf says. Pay it forward and warn the next guy. I just had an image in my head of like the next guy that gets with us suddenly gets like multiple messages from multiple guys going watch out for the BFF. We've seen a couple of stories like this in the past where they bring that BFF along to dates etc. And I just think as you're thinking that through.

[00:08:21] [SPEAKER_00] Doesn't that like trigger some thought like this isn't quite right. I shouldn't be doing this. It's a bit weird. And like the first comment I said after the update. If she's not going to see the problem now. She is very unlikely she ever will. I mean she's still at the very end of this. Admitted to prioritizing his feelings that he was just lonely. And to be the BFF in that situation. To want to actually turn up and be involved in these dates etc. It just makes me cringe.

[00:08:50] [SPEAKER_00] But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Let's move on to another story. Now our next story it comes from the Am I the Arsehole subreddit from. Aralhamatic it is. And it says, Am I the Arsehole for refusing to promise my best friend 100% that I wouldn't sleep with a mutual friend.

[00:09:15] Oof.

[00:09:16] [SPEAKER_00] It starts. I, 30 female, have a best friend, 29 female, of 13 years. She is in a long term committed relationship. 7 plus years. And lives with her partner. We also share a mutual friend. Aaron, 30 male. About 8 years ago my friend and Aaron had a brief situation ship. They slept together once and they tried to date very briefly long distance. But it ended because he did not want to pursue anything further.

[00:09:45] [SPEAKER_00] She was upset at the time and it never became a mutual relationship. After that, they stayed friendly for a while. Then lost touch for several years. And reconnected as friends about a year ago. There has been nothing romantic between them since. Recently, Aaron broke up with his long term girlfriend. Before that happened, my friend and I had already planned a trip to visit him together. Which we have done. This time we are planning to stay at his place instead of a hotel.

[00:10:14] [SPEAKER_00] After his breakup, my friend started making comments like, Just please don't sleep with each other. It was framed as a joke. But it was clear that she was anxious. I asked her directly if something was bothering her. I told her two things clearly. One, I was not planning to sleep with him. Two, I was not comfortable promising 100% that I would not. Because I do not like my potential or hypothetical relationships being policed. And I did not feel okay making absolute promises about future situations.

[00:10:44] [SPEAKER_00] Just to manage someone else's anxiety. I was not trying to be evasive. I was trying to be honest while also setting a boundary. The next day, I reiterated that I was not planning to sleep with him. Her response was essentially that she was cancelling the trip. She said she was cancelling because the uncertainty made her anxious. And she needed to take care of herself. From my perspective, this felt like my word was not trusted. Unless I gave a 100% guarantee.

[00:11:13] [SPEAKER_00] And when I did not, the entire plan was shut down. I understand that anxiety is real. But it also feels unfair to expect me to give up autonomy or make absolute promises about hypothetical scenarios. Especially when nothing inappropriate had happened. And the history in question was many years ago. She did not clearly say what she expected me to do differently. She cancelled the trip without further discussion. I feel like I was honest, respectful and that my boundary was reasonable.

[00:11:41] [SPEAKER_00] Am I the asshole for refusing to promise 100% that I wouldn't sleep with him? Even though I said I wasn't planning to. Edit. Additional context. People asked for. A few clarifications that seem important for understanding my response. One. This was not limited to this specific trip. My friend told me she did not want me to hook up with A at all. Not now and not in the future.

[00:12:08] [SPEAKER_00] She also said she would be uncomfortable with me having any kind of romantic relationship with him. Not just sex. Two. Many people asked why I couldn't. Just say sure, no problem. I won't do it. The reason is that this was not framed as a one time reassurance about this trip. But as a blanket expectation about my relationships going forward. I was being asked to promise that I would not pursue anything with A at all. Indefinitely. My response. I'm not planning to.

[00:12:36] [SPEAKER_00] But I'm not comfortable with my relationship being policed. Was intentional. There is prior context where my friend has tried to restrict my relationships based on her feelings. Even when nothing was actively happening. Which is why agreeing to a blanket promise felt important to push back on. In one case during university. I was starting to talk to a guy we both knew. She asked me not to pursue anything because she wanted to keep him as an option. I agreed and stepped back. She later started dating him about two years after that.

[00:13:06] [SPEAKER_00] And they are still together. In another case she stopped speaking to me for about two months over a guy she had liked years earlier in school. Even though nothing had happened between them. And I explicitly asked if she wanted me to stay away. I was told do whatever you want. And then ignored. After over a week of no communication. I eventually dated him. Our relationship later became my long term relationship and engagement. Because of this history.

[00:13:32] [SPEAKER_00] I did not feel comfortable agreeing to promise that I would restrict my relationships in general. Even though I was clear that I was not planning to pursue anything. Three. My friend's partner is aware that she and A had a brief situation many years ago. He is under the impression that this is long over and not an issue. Because of that he has been okay with her staying in touch with A. And with those traveling to his city. These visits have never involved the two of them alone. Every time she visited A.

[00:14:01] [SPEAKER_00] I was also there. Except for one occasion when his girlfriend was present the entire time. There has been no one on one time between them since they reconnected. This is why the request for a 100% promise felt like an escalation. Rather than a simple reassurance. Now absolutely I was not the arse all the way through this situation. But the edits are pretty crucial in this as well. I mean first the situationship with Aaron.

[00:14:30] [SPEAKER_00] It sounds like she actually got rejected eight years ago. And has never fully come to terms with it. And now she's having some sort of like emotional claim over someone who turned her down basically. And then you had all the stuff that was said in the edits about you know. Staying away from another guy to keep him as an option. And then dated him two years later. And then gave the silent treatment for months over another guy from years prior. And now she's trying to get you to promise not to sleep with someone. Just because you know.

[00:14:59] [SPEAKER_00] Opie is absolutely right to put her boundaries down. Even if she doesn't intend to do anything with this guy. And just say no. I'm going to do whatever I please you know. Because Opie is not being unreasonable in this. But it did have me thinking about what the friendship is like as a whole beyond what's happening here. But a commenter says info. Was she saying she never wanted y'all to hook up or just on this trip while she's right there? Opie says never. I feel like it's not about hooking up only. Although it was her only point.

[00:15:30] [SPEAKER_00] But the potential of us getting into any sort of relationship as there was an attraction from his side years ago. But I was in a relationship and didn't reciprocate. Now that we are both single. She might be threatened by the potential of us getting together eventually. Which she can't accept. And which makes me really confused as like I said in the post. She's in a long term stable relationship herself. The commenter says. You're the arsehole. You mention not being taken at your word.

[00:15:57] [SPEAKER_00] But your word is that you are not promising anything. If your friend is uncomfortable for whatever reason. Then she has the right to not go on the trip. Why don't you go alone and see what happens. Since it seems like this is a potential romantic or sexual chance for you. She's absolutely taking you at your word. Opie says. We have a history of her policing my potential relationships. And I felt like it's time to put the boundary in place. For example. Her current boyfriend is someone I was talking to years ago.

[00:16:26] [SPEAKER_00] And she asked me to stop it because she was interested too. I obliged. Then after this she stonewalled me. Because the guy she liked back in school showed interest in me. I came to her to talk. And see where she stands about this whole thing. They've never been in a relationship. And the whole thing was happening in the third year of college. But she said. Do whatever you want. And stop talking to me for over two months. And we did get together with that guy. After her ignoring me for almost two weeks. And me taking it as the end of our friendship.

[00:16:55] [SPEAKER_00] This guy ended up being my only serious relationship. We've been together for nine years. And got engaged. But then broke up because of the situation in my country. War. And us seeing it differently. This is why when it happens for the third time. Also with me freshly out of the long term relationship. That mightn't have happened if she actually said leave it alone. I felt like I needed to put a boundary out there. That she's not to police who I'm seeing or not. Regardless if I'm interested in the guy or not. Which I'm not by the way.

[00:17:23] [SPEAKER_00] I hope this context helps. Commodore says. No one's an arsehole here. You're allowed to not promise. And she's allowed to cancel. Autonomy isn't one way. Opie replied and was downvoted for this comment. Saying her cancelling the trip meant that I'm not going either. So much for autonomy. Like it's not that she's not going. It's us two not going. And her cancelling it. It's just making sure that in fact. Nothing will happen. Because we won't see each other. I feel deeply offended.

[00:17:53] [SPEAKER_00] Because I'm not some sort of animal that has to be controlled. And I don't have a history of sleeping around. In fact I've only ever slept with my ex. Which she knows. And which makes her insecurity even crazier to me. Commodore says. Why'd you want to go? Do you have feelings for A? From reading the post it sounded like. His relationship is primarily with her. And you just tag along. Based on that I was also prepared to say. No one's an arsehole here. She certainly isn't obligated to sponsor the trip. Kicking off a relationship. That makes her uncomfortable.

[00:18:22] [SPEAKER_00] Regardless of what that discomfort says about her current relationship. Opie responded saying. No. I don't. But I just got out of a nine year relationship. And I don't have anyone in my circle. Who has been through the same experience. My friends are great. And they supported me a lot. But all of them are in long term relationships. And the only breakups they've been through. Were those teenage ones. And to this day. They don't understand many things that I went through. Or I'm still going through. And I was looking forward to have someone who shared the same experience.

[00:18:51] [SPEAKER_00] And is going through the same trauma if that makes sense. This is why the trip cancellation bummed me out. On top of the fact that it was my friend just making sure nothing ever happens. Because we physically won't be in the same room. And not because I said that it won't. Which is humiliating to be honest. Someone says. Did Opie want to date Aaron? Opie says no. But I wanted to connect with him. As he's the only person in my circle. Who's going through the breakup from the long term relationship. Friends have only been through the teenage breakups.

[00:19:19] [SPEAKER_00] Which is very different from the adult breakup. And end of the engagement. They're great. But I can see they really don't get what I'm going through. And I was looking forward to have someone with similar experience. So it wasn't about sleeping with him. But rather acquiring a specific type of friend. Which is also the reason. I didn't want my BFF to be under the impression. That she can dictate who I have a relationship with. Because who's then to stop her from being upset. That we talk to each other for example. I didn't want to get into the pattern. Where I have to justify myself before anything happens.

[00:19:50] [SPEAKER_00] And I'm convinced that if we were to get closer in any way. It would have been interpreted as something else. And she would have a golden argument of. You promised nothing will ever happen. Now I have to go and prove that we're just friends. Just talking. I'm always almost a villain. And have to prove that I'm not. Does this make sense? Commenter says to OP. You were dating her high school crush.

[00:20:20] [SPEAKER_00] Which you did not discuss beforehand. And which led to a two month break. Doesn't sound like a very considerate friend to me. OP says. Her crush from 8th grade. We're on the third year of uni. And I did proactively come to her. After she showed interest. And I noticed she might have a problem with it. I asked her to talk to me. And went as far as promising I won't date him. If she tells me to. Which by the way right now I won't do. That was crazy considering the timeline. The level of the relationship. Albeit its absence.

[00:20:49] [SPEAKER_00] But she was upset about the fact that he liked me overall. And said do whatever you want. Which was followed by weeks of silence. I'm sorry but at that point I was convinced that the friendship is over. And only then did I go out with him. And again. I would understand if it was a one off. But it's a pattern that repeats itself. Someone says. Was Aaron OP's love interest. And OP says he's not my love interest. I'm still getting over a breakup. And honestly. And not ready for any sort of relationship yet.

[00:21:17] [SPEAKER_00] Let alone with a guy freshly out of heartbreak himself. I was never interested in being a rebound. I was however interested in the fact that. He's the only person in my circle. Of long term couples. Who is going through the same experience that I do. And can relate. So a commenter was talking to OP about. Regarding the noticeable patterns and jealousy she had towards her friend. And how she obeyed her friend's requests. On not pursuing relationship with guys. And OP says. I'm just curious. How her current boyfriend showed interest in me.

[00:21:47] [SPEAKER_00] Before they ever had anything at all. Is my fault. This is not to mention. I backed out simply based on her wanting him as an option. The current guy we're supposed to go see. Doesn't interest me in that way. The only reason I wanted to connect. Is because I am freshly out of a breakup. And all my friends are long term couples. He's the only person right now. That could relate to the things I go through. As for the school crush. I understand how that's debatable. But I do think. I did everything possible to account for her opinion. And only went out with him. When the friendship was effectively over.

[00:22:17] [SPEAKER_00] From my point of view. I never went after the guy she liked. At the moment. Or the ones that in my opinion. Were relevant. OP explains the friendship with her friend's boyfriend. And says. Her boyfriend is my very good friend. And I think that the way I deliver this information matters. I don't want to put him in the spotlight like that. But I definitely will gently let him know. What our fallout was about. Someone says. Has OP slept with any other guys besides her ex? And OP says no. I've only slept with my ex in our long term relationship. That just ended.

[00:22:47] [SPEAKER_00] Before that. In the uni. I mostly cared to party and do fun stuff. Not sex though. I was very prudish about my v-card. And didn't really care for dates. Or relationships to be honest. So I don't have a history of dating at all. Then I met my ex. And he became the love of my life for the next nine years. Before the war related stuff has broken us apart. The OP did update the post. And says. We talked again. She said she panicked. Because she interpreted our previous conversation as me. Preparing the ground to hook up with him.

[00:23:17] [SPEAKER_00] And reacted to that fear. Rather than anything that had actually happened. She framed it as a misunderstanding. What's important for context is that. By that point I'd already said multiple times. And I'm not planning to sleep with him. I reiterated this again very clearly during this conversation. Nothing has happened. I'm not being sneaky. And this was never something I was actively pursuing. After that. The trip was back on. That said. I'm still left feeling pretty uncomfortable about how this played out.

[00:23:46] [SPEAKER_00] Not because I want him. But because I don't understand why I had to repeatedly convince someone. Nothing will ever happen. When there were no concrete grounds to suspect that it would. Other than the fact that we are both single now. I'm also still not okay with my relationships being policed in principle. This is not about the specific person. It's about the expectation that I should provide guarantees or reassurance. Indefinitely to manage someone else's anxiety. Which I do not think is normal or healthy between adults.

[00:24:15] [SPEAKER_00] We agreed to put the broader conversation about boundaries and control on hold for now. And deal with it later. The trip is back on. Because many people asked I'm not planning to go to her partner about it at this point. Nothing concrete has happened. And while I have my own thoughts about why she reacted the way she did. Those are still subjective interpretations. I do not think it's my place to escalate things or put ideas in his head. But no clear lines have been crossed. My plan is to see how things actually play out this weekend.

[00:24:43] [SPEAKER_00] And then afterwards have an honest conversation with her as a friend about why this situation affected her so strongly. Especially given that her history was 8 years ago. And she's in a committed relationship now. Wish us all luck. I will update everyone after the weekend. And the OP hadn't come in with that update as yet. So now I'm going to turn this one straight to you guys. What do you guys make of this situation?

[00:25:12] [SPEAKER_00] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Now just a huge thank you for being here today. Getting involved in the stories. Your love. Your support. Your time. It always means the absolute world to me. Honestly it's absolutely amazing. Thank you so so much. And hopefully we'll see you in the next one. Take care. And much love.