My Dying Brother Wants Me To Forgive Him For Cheating With My Fiancee | r/Relationships

[00:00:02] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark B and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. Let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from a throwaway account. Little warning before we do get into this story, there's a trigger warning on it of imminent death. So if you do want to skip the story, please feel free to do so. Timestamps are always down in the description.

[00:00:32] and along the timeline below. Thank you. It's titled, Should I Forgive My Dying Brother For Cheating With My Fiancee? My brother, 47 male, has always been my role model. He was the valedictorian for his graduating class in high school and simultaneously the captain of the football team. I, 44 male, practically worshipped the ground he walked on. He taught me everything I needed to know about women, work and just life in general.

[00:01:03] 13 years ago, I was engaged to be married to a girl, 42 female, whom I thought at the time was the woman of my dreams. My brother was the obvious choice for best man at our wedding. One day, three weeks before the wedding, I arrived early at the venue where we did our rehearsals. To my surprise, when I drove into the parking area, I found that both my brother's and fiance's car were already there parked next to each other. I then proceeded to park right next to my brother's car, which is when I

[00:01:32] caught him doing probably the worst thing a brother could ever do to his sibling, having sex with my fiance. Needless to say, I was mortified. And long story short, the wedding was called off and I completely severed ties with the both of them since then.

[00:01:47] How could he do this to me? I loved him and trusted him completely. And he betrayed me in the worst way possible. He ruined our family too, because I got a restraining order against him and we have never seen or spoken to each other since. Our parents know never to have us both at their house at the same time, because I told them I'd probably kill him or he would kill me if we ever saw each other again.

[00:02:11] I am now married to a beautiful woman and have two lovely kids. Recently, my brother was diagnosed with a terminal disease and has been lobbying different members of our family to go get me to speak with him, which I've been refusing to do. Yesterday, the doorbell rings in the morning and I find none other than my terminally ill brother at the door. It was completely surreal. He got down on his knees, crying and begged for my forgiveness.

[00:02:38] I told him I would think about it and tell him my answer within a week, even though most of my anger has subsided. I just don't know if I have it in me to just let this go. What do you think I should do? Panic bread said COP. Yes, I think you should forgive him. You should forgive him for him and you should forgive him for you. If you don't forgive him and he dies, you might feel a lot of regret when you are older.

[00:03:01] Forgiveness is as much for the person doing the forgiving as it is for the person being forgiven. If you think that you don't have it in you, you need to do some soul searching about that. What he did to you was really, really terrible, but life moves on and people grow and change. And what happened with him led you to the happy life you have now. How is carrying this pain and hate in your heart helping you? Opie says, one part of me wants to forgive him so he can die in peace and so that our entire family can heal again.

[00:03:30] But in all honesty, another part of me just wants to see him suffer for what he did. When I saw him crying looking desperate the way he did, it really got to me. He told me it's the single greatest mistake he's ever made and he's regretted it since. I want to believe him, but it's just so incredibly difficult. Chick Britt says, just remember that forgiving someone isn't saying what you did is okay. It's saying, I no longer hold it against you. You have a new family and are happy by the sound of it. Good for you.

[00:04:01] I think to forgive him before he dies would give both you some closure and lift a long-term burden from yourself as well as him. Please consider this deeply. What he did was truly terrible and I would never tell you otherwise. But as the post above says, forgiveness is as much for you as it is him. If you can find it in your heart to let go of this hurt, I promise that you will feel the benefit. After all, he is dying and will soon be gone. It's you that will continue to carry it with you after his death. And you deserve more than that.

[00:04:31] Piss says, he doesn't get a free pass just because he is now dying. If it was such a big regret, why didn't he apologize sooner? Piss says, he sent a letter every year on my birthday for the past 13 years telling me how sorry he is. The restraining order made it impossible for him to get to me. Ultimate Realist says, what's his situation like aside from the illness? Did he marry your former fiance or anyone else? Does he have children? Piss says, he never really settled down with anyone.

[00:05:02] He's a good looking guy. Always been the playboy type that could get any woman he wants. I haven't really kept any tabs on the fiance. For all I know, she could be in China or even dead. I haven't got a clue. Witty says, um, how did you get a restraining order? Did you leave something out? They don't just hand those things out like dinner menus. Opus says, yes. Shortly after it happened, our parents tried to sit us down to sort things out.

[00:05:27] It ended up getting extremely physical with me getting my head smashed against the wall and him with a broken nose and jaw. This was when I told my parents that getting us together in the same room will result in one of us killing the other. And they should never do it again. After this incident, I obtained a permanent restraining order. PRO. It's renewable every five years. Look, I always find these situations incredibly personal.

[00:05:53] I say that every time on these ones because, you know, you've got to consider how you'll feel living with that decision afterwards. Yeah, he's dying and that is just incredibly sad. But it doesn't automatically change what's happened in the past. It doesn't automatically, like, unlock that forgiveness from you. I know for myself, and I know this is a completely different situation, but it's one that just popped into my head trying to relate in some kind of way, right?

[00:06:20] If my school bully came up to me, showed up at my door terminally ill, and again, I know it's not exactly the same situation, even on their knees begging, I don't think I could do it. Even knowing that forgiveness doesn't mean, like, what you did was fine or whatever. I think just emotionally, I wouldn't be able to get there. Which I know might sound a bit heartless, but I just see it as like, you know, his timeline doesn't override anything like your feelings and how you're feeling in this.

[00:06:48] There was parts of it that had me wavering, if I'm being completely honest, you know, there was 13, was it 13 years of letters that he's been writing? So, that does seem to be like a huge amount of genuine remorse. But still, that doesn't override OP's feelings in the end, right? If he chooses to forgive, if he chooses to meet him, then absolutely, fair play to OP. But if he's not at that point, then I think that's fair too. But OP did come in with their update and says,

[00:07:15] I tried uploading this a few days ago, but it kept getting removed. A large number of you sent me messages asking me what happened, so I've created this account just to update you all on the situation with my brother. They had to create another new account because I guess the other one might got deleted or got the password or something. Update. Over the course of the week, my brother's health took a rapid downward spiral and I began to realize that as many of you advised, my time to sort this thing out was fast running out.

[00:07:44] I eventually decided to visit him on Thursday at my parents' house where he's in a hospice to have a one-on-one. I told him that I forgive him for everything that's ever happened between us and that I wish things had gone differently. It was extremely emotional as we both wept and hugged. At the time, he was still very cognizant and he was able to articulate to me that he knows he doesn't deserve my forgiveness, but he's thankful for it.

[00:08:10] I've been staying with my parents since then to help feed him, bathe him, and talk with him when he's not too tired. Perhaps the main reason I decided to let go of my grudge was when I saw a YouTube video this week of a black guy who forgave a white police officer who had him framed and sent to jail for four years for a crime he didn't commit. I thought to myself, if this man can forgive the way he did, surely I can find it in me to forgive my own brother.

[00:08:35] The fact that I'm now in a position to help him when he's the way he is now has given us both a lot of closure. I didn't feel any bitterness at all towards him, just love. And in all honesty, I only wish I had it in me to let go of this sooner. And in the end, I'm glad that OP was able to do that, mainly for himself to get that closure for himself and that his brother got it as well is a wonderful thing at the same time as well.

[00:08:59] It sounds like it was good for everyone involved in this situation, in a sad situation that is. As I said after the first part of the post, I think stuff like this is just so personal. And you can only say what you would do in that situation, which is very different from someone's lived experience, isn't it? I mean, I guess that's the same with a lot of stories. But, you know, with this one where it's on a timeline and OP's brother wasn't going to be with us for very much longer.

[00:09:28] OP has to live with the fallout afterwards with whatever decision they choose. And, you know, you need to make that choice for yourself in the end. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And let's move on to another story. Our next story comes from Throwaway Free Wedding from the Am I the Asshole here subreddit.

[00:09:53] And says, am I the asshole for telling my friend that her free wedding is unrealistic? I, 24 Female, am a member of a friend group in which one member, I call her Coral, 23 Female, is getting married. She announced her engagement to her fiancé, 25 Male, a few weeks ago. And we were all happy for her. Over the weekend, though, she shared more specific plans for the wedding. And that's where things have kind of gone off the rails.

[00:10:21] She said she's been seeing a lot of people on TikTok and Insta showing how to plan free weddings. Weddings where the couple spends $0, aside from the marriage certificate fee, I guess. At first, I thought she meant a city hall wedding, which would be completely fine. But then I got the details and her expectations for the ceremony. She's going to try and find someone with a large outdoor space to use, not formally a wedding venue, who will donate their area in support of love.

[00:10:50] She's going to have all of her guests bring a potluck with very specific assignments. She will have a friend officiate, a friend do photography, a friend do save the dates and invites, a family do the flowers, etc. Including some harder to swing, in my opinion, things like getting a large tent, decorations, wedding favors, speakers, a band, etc. I'm not sure what her plan was for a dress. What's more is that Coral and her fiancé really aren't poor, from what I can tell.

[00:11:20] She works as an accountant at a big company, and her fiancé does software. Does software sales. Plus, his parents are loaded. It sounds like they just want to do the free wedding thing for the sake of it. That would be okay, but she's just shifting all of the costs on other people. Some of whom are probably less well off. She told me that she wants me to make the cake, and then sent me some pictures for inspiration. The cakes were ridiculously elaborate.

[00:11:49] We're talking multi-tier fondant flowers, gold leaf, and one even had a hand-painted, watercolor design. I'm not a professional baker. I just like to bake cookies and brownies sometimes. I told her that those cakes would probably take me days to make, and they wouldn't come out anywhere near as good. She kind of laughed that off and said, Oh, it's not about it being perfect. It's just about getting everyone pitching in. It'd be fun.

[00:12:13] I told her that, fun or not, what she was describing was basically her friends and family subsidizing her wedding. With time, money, and labor. And that was kind of unfair to expect people to spend so much on a free wedding. Or else, she was expecting everyone to show up to a lackluster event and just pretend it was amazing. It's like a group project that none of us wanted to do because we already graduated and moved on from all that, so we don't need the credit. She does graduate a year later than the rest of us.

[00:12:42] I said that if she wants a free wedding, she should probably just elope or go to City Hall. Because this isn't really free. It's just free for her. I might have been a bit more forceful in my wording, but I didn't swear or call her names or anything like that. She got super quiet and just looked at me for a minute or so and then left, with another one of our friends driving her home. Later that night, I got a text from that friend saying it had really hurt Coral's feelings and that even if the plans were a bit unrealistic,

[00:13:11] I should have just let Coral come to that conclusion on her own. Coral then messaged me saying, Sorry, don't worry about the cake. With no more context. I am feeling pretty bad now. Especially since Coral was so happy and excited and she never really said anything mean to me. Perhaps I should have just gone along with the cake, since she said she wouldn't be mad if it turned out badly. But I'm worried that her wedding would not have been what she wanted. And I was also frustrated about the cake request. Edit Honestly, I feel a bit bad now.

[00:13:41] Coral really is a sweet person who's just a bit naive. I feel like a lot of people in the comments are tearing her up more than she deserves. She's always been the baby of the group and I just got frustrated and ranted on this case. I don't know what the fiance thinks about all of this. Nah, I think it's just one of those situations where she needed that reality check. You know, you've shown that you care about her. You said she's been sweet but just naive.

[00:14:06] But still, it doesn't really excuse putting the financial and labor burdens on others like that. I think it was better coming from you rather than pissing off multiple people. I think if a friend came up to me and they wanted to use some limited skills I have for their wedding. And they were respectful of it, respectful of my time, etc. You know, I'd probably try to help out where I can. You know, it's my friend. Why wouldn't I?

[00:14:34] But this whole expectation of doing the whole wedding for free, just relying on everyone, just comes across as a bit cheeky. Doesn't it really? But Kronk says not the arsehole. She's in for a rude awakening the first time she asked for a free party tent from someone. Those are expensive as fuck to rent. Christine says,

[00:15:22] And that was that. It is possible to do a wedding pretty cheaply. It is not possible to do a fancy wedding for free. Puzzle Headed says, We rented a nice community center in a nice neighborhood for $200 for the day and used very little decor beyond candles and tablecloths. I found my bridesmaids dresses on clearance at Macy's for $10 apiece. Simple, below the knee, black, sleeveless. And they each carried a single lily. My mother-in-law made my dress and family made the food. And sister-in-law took pictures.

[00:15:52] My husband's tux was free when the groomsman rented theirs. I made the cake. Total cost under $2,000. I completely agree. Cheap is possible, but it's not going to be fancy. And people need to volunteer rather than being voluntold. Commenter says, Not the arsehole. Your friend is also embarrassing herself. Guests are not beneficiaries and employees. Coral is being tacky and I honestly have second-hand embarrassment for her. I think a realistic discussion about this is akin to

[00:16:21] letting her know she has spinach in her teeth. Difficult jury says, That's really sweet that she wanted to let you spend a good $100 on cake materials out of your own pocket for a wedding. Another commenter says, Plus labor costs, plus utilities. And realistic says, And time. The most precious thing we have. So, it was two months after this that OP did update the post. Oh, bloody hell. Here we go. Hi there. My last post sort of blew up.

[00:16:51] I really didn't think so many people would be that interested in my silly friend group drama. Short recap. My friend Coral announced she was going to have a free wedding, with all of her friends playing roles to volunteer a nice venue, tent, food, photography, band, cake, my role, etc. It sounded okay at first, but her expectations seemed unrealistically lavish. And I told her that, in stronger wording. And she got upset. After reading the comments, I honestly began to feel bad for Coral.

[00:17:17] She really is a kind-hearted person, but a lot of people interpreted her as an insane, entitled bridezilla. That's really not the case. I decided I was going to make the cake and send her an apology text, for which I didn't get any reply. That was making me really anxious. I still didn't think that Coral's requests were that reasonable, and wasn't expecting the wedding to fully go to her plans. But that's not for me to worry about. Finally, I got a message from Coral's fiancé, who we're called Basil.

[00:17:47] Ask him to meet up. I said yes. My expectation going into this was that Basil would tell me how much I hurt Coral's feelings, and I was going to reiterate my apology and share some research and planning I'd done on the cake. That's not how it went, though. As it turns out, the whole free wedding thing was Basil's idea. That's not the impression I got before. Basil didn't at first explain why he wanted to do it. But when pressed, it's so he could spend the money that he and Coral had been saving up for their wedding

[00:18:17] on something else. A boat. A Catalina 27, apparently. Let me look this up quick. Jumping in here. I don't know about boats too much, but looking on a website called Yacht World. They look from about the 1980s to the 1990s, valuing from about $8,000 to about $15,000, depending on the work they've had done to them. A little bit of useless knowledge there for you today. I feel like my dad right now.

[00:18:45] Very useful and practical thing to have when you're living in the city, especially if your fiance gets seasick. We did one of those river cruise things a while back and she had a bad time. Basil says you help her get over that and sailboats are different. Anyway, after my whole outburst before, Coral has apparently been having second thoughts about the free wedding things. Basil asked me to talk to her, apologize, and tell her that it isn't a bad idea after all. He basically said I owe it to him to help clean up the mess I caused.

[00:19:16] I don't feel great about that though. I don't want to drive a wedge between Coral and Basil, but telling her I think is a good idea after all feels like lying. And I guess actively advocating for a potential train wreck is a further line for me. And just agreeing to play my assigned voluntold Baker role. Moreover, this was my first real conversation with Basil. And I have to say I'm not totally convinced he's a great person. I don't know if he exactly manipulated her into going along with this, but it kind of feels that way.

[00:19:46] So what do I do? It's been a little while now since I talked to Basil, so I really do need to do something. Be it what Basil asked or further involve myself in drama by telling Coral that I don't think the wedding or the entire marriage is a good idea. No C replies to this saying, not the arsehole. I would be a good friend and tell her the truth. Let you think the free wedding idea is foolish, but ask her to explain more what she thinks about Basil and the boat. Better talk it out herself.

[00:20:14] She may already be starting to see Basil for who he is. Also, the free wedding isn't free. It's pushing the cost from the couple onto their friends so they can buy a boat. Head says she might not know about the boat. Just casually ask her what type of boat Basil was planning to get and where he was going to keep it. If they're living in an apartment, the complex might not allow it. And it's a huge temptation to thieves, even with a boat lock. Someone could come in, break the lock and hook it up to a large truck and be out of there within 10 minutes or less.

[00:20:43] Happened to a friend of mine. It was there for a couple of weeks and he had his truck parked next to it. Came out to go to work and the boat was gone. Trailer and all. This was before security cameras, so there was no way to figure out where it went. Commodore says a Catalina 27 is a 27 foot boat. You got to dock it and pay docking fees plus water and power usage. In the winter, you got to pay to winterize it. This boat comes with a lot of maintenance and upkeep costs.

[00:21:12] Hopi says honestly, I was surprised after looking up the cost of the boat since I feel like they would still have money left over in their fund after spending 5 to 10k on a boat. Just from what I know of Coral and Basil's situation. But he's probably budgeting for all those other expenses I didn't think of, I guess. Mango says, how about you just show Coral that you are there for her, no matter what she wants. Don't follow Basil's requests, just be there for Coral. Offer to meet up with her and just ask her about her. How is she? And listen to her.

[00:21:41] Be true to yourself and be a good friend to her. That is all. Easy to say. You need to do. Hopi says thank you. This is honestly what I want to do. But given she didn't reply to my last text, I'm worried about if she'll even meet up with me. If the first thing I say isn't directly taking back all my concerns from before. Who is her name says, makes me wonder if Basil is telling, forcing her not to respond. Continuing to try and check in and being a friend to listen could be much, much bigger than you think.

[00:22:10] Hopi says I hope that's not it. I'll try to reach out to her another way. And one more commenter says, maybe reach out pretending you need to talk about Kate these then casually bring up that you had a coffee with Basil and how interesting it was that they're getting a boat. Just be playful about it. Like, did you guys think of boat names? Oh, bloody hell. I want to see the update already on how this one's going to go because I was kind of, and I know it's jumping to conclusions, but I was kind of siding on that comment that,

[00:22:39] you know, maybe he's manipulating stuff in the background here, getting, making sure she doesn't message OP, et cetera. But I do think where possible, like the other commenter says, it's very easy to say this, but having that conversation with her, letting her know what's going on. Does she even know about this boat? Because it all comes across shady as shit. But what do you guys make of this situation? If you was OP here, what would you do?

[00:23:07] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Now, just a huge thank you for being here today, getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so, so much for being here. Truly, it's absolutely amazing. And hopefully I'm going to see you in the next one. Take care and much love.