I'm Refusing To Raise My Husbands Affair Children But My In-Laws Are Trying To Force It

[00:00:01] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now this story comes from ScaredyCat1122 from the Am I the Arsehole here subreddit and says,

[00:00:25] Would I be the arsehole for refusing to raise my husband's affair children now that he and the woman he cheated with passed away. Sorry for using a new account, I know that's a red flag but I don't want to risk using my old Reddit account. My 45 female husband, 49 male of 23 years, had an affair with a 20 years old girl since 2020. I found out this year when his affair partner gave birth to twin boys in March.

[00:00:53] Obviously we were going to divorce. We've been hashing things out since. It's been a lengthy process due to some properties in common and we need to get an accountant since he used the shared account for his affair. Finally, things seem to be getting close to the end when both my husband and the woman he cheated with were killed in a car crash. By some miracle the twin babies were not harmed in the crash. Now they are orphaned and neither set of grandparents can take them in permanently.

[00:01:23] My husband's parents are both in assisted living. He has no siblings and the only aunt that could take them refuses. She's been child free her whole life. On the woman's side, I'm not sure the details in full. But her parents are not able to be involved long term and the one sister she has lives overseas. Since we were still married and he had not had dated his will, all his assets are set to pass to me and our two children. I'm not callous enough to leave those babies with nothing.

[00:01:51] So I agreed to let whoever is their legal guardian to have the remaining balance in the shared account. About 25,000 in savings. The issue is no one wants to take them in. Now my in-laws are pressuring me to take them in and raise them. The issue is, I don't want to. At all. I wouldn't love them and I don't want to be the evil stepmother. But I know a big part of me will always have a level of resentment towards them. I will probably favor my own children.

[00:02:19] It's not their fault, but I truly loved my husband and thought we were happy before I found out about the affair. We have two daughters, 14 and 16. Obviously we had disagreements but never insulted each other before. Then I found out about the affair and he began calling me names and blaming me for his cheating. He became abusive and even tried to kick me out of the house. My childhood home that is not shared property for the record. I'm also raising teenagers alone now.

[00:02:48] I don't have the energy to raise babies anymore. My daughters hate their baby brothers. I tried to get them to spend time with their dad as we were divorcing but they refused. Since this was all found out because of the babies. There wasn't really a way to sugarcoat the situation. And they are also too old to really get away with it. Most of my friends agree it's not my place to care for those children, but my in-laws, the affair woman's parents and my mother want me to raise them.

[00:03:15] I know my mom is just having grandkids fever, but it hurts to not have her support. I have to make a decision by next week or the boys will be going into foster care. At the moment they are temporarily placed with their maternal grandparents. I feel horrible, but I am very sure I can't take them in. Would I be the arsehole if I refused to take them in? In the same post, OP added a small update and said,

[00:03:40] Hey everyone, this blew up far more than I thought and I appreciate the well wishes for my girls, the boys and myself. Also for the amount of lovely people offering to see about giving the twins a good home. I might not be their mother, but it does touch me and makes me glad there's good people out there. After thinking carefully and speaking to my lawyer, reading responses, doing research, etc. I plan to speak to the grandparents tomorrow and refuse to take legal guardianship of the boys.

[00:04:08] I will let them know of the usernames of people that offered meeting for private adoptions or fostering, but my daughters are my priority. It'll be up to the twins grandparents to decide if they proceed with adoption, keep them or turn them to the state. I wish I had the mental capacity to be the person to do this, but I have two girls that are going through a lot and they need my full attention. I'll also be talking to lawyers to figure out if the boys have any inheritance claim properly.

[00:04:35] If they do, I'll separate it and leave it to the lawyers to do what they need to do for them to have access when it's best. If they don't, I'll find a way to ensure they have access to the 25k I was going to give them since the beginning. I won't do more, however. My moral compass might be biased, but I don't believe I'm obligated neither morally nor legally to do more than the word of the law says. I can't help everyone and I shouldn't have to.

[00:05:00] I have two girls that lost their father, two girls that need therapy, two girls just about to go to college. They've gone through enough without seeing their mother favour the children of their father's mistress. Another update in the same post that says, hey everyone. I'm not a child, so I said two nights ago I went yesterday to speak to the twins' grandparents. I explained my position and refused to take guardianship of the boys. My mother-in-law almost slapped me when I said that. But thankfully this was all done in a public place and my father-in-law stopped her.

[00:05:30] The maternal grandparents kept pleading for me to raise them since they didn't want to lose them. I kept saying no. And when they called me selfish, I lost it. I told them to their face the only selfish people in this mess were them and their son and daughter. Their son, my husband for cheating, and then for making a divorce hell on me and my girls. Their daughter because she was a whore. I used another word. That went after a married man twice their age.

[00:05:57] I told them if I heard from them again, I would request a cease and desist. I also informed my parents-in-law that they won't have access to my daughters for the foreseeable future. I'll explain why in a bit. We were at a restaurant, but I didn't stay for the meal. I also sent an email to my lawyer so he can ensure CPS and any agency involved in the welfare of the twins is aware I'm not going to be their guardian or be involved.

[00:06:22] Then I sent an email to my in-laws with all the usernames and websites from people here in Reddit that are offered to do interviews for the twins' adoption. I won't be involved beyond this point. So please, as lovely as it is, I can't help you if you are interested in the boys. Yesterday was the end of my involvement. As for why my in-laws won't see my girls, I spoke to my daughters and decided to find out more about their thoughts before I went to meet the grandparents.

[00:06:49] My youngest refused to speak to me, which I found very out of place for her. My eldest then asked for just the two of us to speak. That's when she explained that my in-laws had been going on about how the girls need to get ready to go to public school instead of their private school and to get jobs right out of high school since I will have to provide the twins with private schooling and college money. Apparently, they were also told to start moving their stuff to share a room. My girls have separate rooms since the twins need more space.

[00:07:18] This was not known to me. Mostly cause that would never happen. Apparently, my in-laws have been basically bullying the girls because the babies take priority. Yeah, that's not happening. I told the girls that their grandparents have no say in where they go to school, their college funds or how the rooms are set in our house. Also that I do agree they could use a part-time job during college and maybe a scholarship, but their tuition will be paid.

[00:07:45] I told them not to blame the babies for the stupidity of the adults. They told me they understand, but they still don't want to interact with their brothers for now. That for now part gives me hope they get through things. For now, we're going to do some changes in the house. The girls and I both don't like there's still an office space that my husband used. We're going to make it into a gaming room for all of us. I plan to take down some pictures that have my husband in them and put them in albums for the girls. We just want to make the house more ours.

[00:08:14] As for people wondering why my girls wanted nothing to do with their father. My daughters were the ones that discovered the affair and told me when my husband took them to meet the twins at the hospital. He'd asked them to keep it secret, but the girls told me. After that, my husband began treating them horribly too. He burnt all bridges with the girls. Opie adds a very tiny update since there's some people who keep harassing me in PMs and says, I spoke to a lawyer on Monday.

[00:08:43] The boys have no inheritance claim until a DNA test is done. After that, their only claim is against my in-laws. Their shared account is not considered my husband's individual property, so it's mine. Same with the lake house. Since he had a personal savings account and life insurance which went to his parents. That will be the only thing the boys could claim. Obviously this can be changed if it goes to trial, but the lawyer told me with how little my husband left my girls and I. There's a very little chance a judge will demand our assets.

[00:09:14] The lawyer also recommended me to completely end the idea of sharing any money with the boys. That could be used against me to claim I'm taking fiscal responsibility for them and should be considered to be their guardian. I'm dividing the money from the shared account for my daughter's college tuitions. I'm still unsure if I'll sell the lake house or not, but neither the girls nor I are attached to it. Now please leave me alone about the boys inheritance. Sad as it is, my husband messed everything up for his children.

[00:09:42] I'm not responsible for them, nor do I have to sacrifice my assets to set them up for a better life. Opiads again, there's some good news and some annoying news. The good news is the boys were safely retrieved by CPS from their maternal grandparents and will be placed in foster care until a permanent arrangement is made. I found out when it happened since their grandparents and my mother came to scream at me at work. In all honesty, I'm glad this happened at work and not home.

[00:10:10] It's made me consider moving since I don't want my daughters exposed to any of this. An annoyance I had very soon after was getting called about my inquiries into fostering and adopting. Apparently, my information was sent to CPS as someone interested in fostering the twins and eventually adopting. I immediately explained the situation between the grandparents and me, and the operator was speechless at first.

[00:10:36] She apologized for the situation and told me she would make sure I wasn't bothered about the process. I also got served this morning. My in-laws are suing for grandparents' rights. They are also suing for custody. Apparently, they're planning to leave their assisted living, which they really shouldn't, to buy a house that allows kids to get the twins back and now also want custody of my daughters. My personal lawyer immediately gave me some instructions I won't share to safeguard myself

[00:11:05] and my daughters from some risks during a possible custody battle. My lawyer and I both suspect my in-laws want the girls to parentify them as caretakers for the twins, since my in-laws have mobility limitations. It will be a cold day in hell before that happens. I don't see CPS placing the boys with them to begin with. Not all is bad news. I'm starting therapy next week, and my eldest daughter is once again speaking about the colleges she wants to go to.

[00:11:33] We still haven't really talked about their father or have them agree to visit his grave. I myself haven't gone there, and I'm trying really hard to get used to not calling him my husband anymore. It had nothing to do with the funeral plans aside for paying bills, and from what I heard his parents had the epitaph, devoted, and beloved husband, father, and son written on it. I find it a joke. I know it's bad to hold so much anger and resentment, but as soon as I have time,

[00:12:01] I plan to change his tombstone to remove husband and father. It might sound petty, but I refuse to speak well of a cheater and abuser just because he's dead. My daughters deserve better, and so did I. And for anyone complaining about me changing the tombstone, I paid for everything at the end, so stick your complaints you know where. I don't think I'll post another update into the whole mess with the grandparents' right lawsuit is resolved. So to the kind people that have sent support to me and my daughters,

[00:12:31] thank you so much. Maybe I have good news in the future, but for now, I'm going back to my old Reddit account. Small disclaimer to the person that PM that I will regret not adopting the twins. I don't regret it one bit. Please either post a public message or leave me alone. I don't deal with cowards that use PMs to avoid being judged. And as always, OP responded to some of the questions down in the comments below. So someone was saying about taking in the twins temporarily

[00:13:00] or at least a family member could step in and OP says, I don't want to take them even temporarily. I'm 45. I'm tired. I work full time. I don't have time for babies. I don't even have a babysitter anymore. My girls are old enough to be home alone after school until I finish work. I can't do that with babies and I can't ask them to babysit them. They have after school clubs and like to go out with friends. I don't want them raising babies. I can't take them. I can't even pick them up. They're innocent,

[00:13:30] but I can't do it. If it was reversed, my daughters would go to my cousin. Then that has always been the backup plan that we had in place. If my husband and I both died, I'm sorry. The twins don't have that, but the more I read on this, the more I've realized I can't take those babies. And there was people trying to encourage OP to get her daughter to have a sibling relationship with their half brothers. And OP says, I've tried, but they're teenagers who understand what cheating is.

[00:13:58] I won't force them to have a relationship with the babies if they don't want it. People obviously suggesting therapy for the daughters regarding the affair and everything that happened afterwards. OP says, I have my girls with a therapist and this was brought up. Girls despise the babies. It's not the babies fault. I know, but the girls are angry and they're pointing fingers. I don't want to put more stress on them. OP on the inheritance left for their family members from her husband's will.

[00:14:27] Was there anything for the twin boys? OP says, the properties in the world were left on my name. The only shared property is a lake house that is currently on sale. If the will is contested, I will happily divide it. As it stands right now, I didn't have to give anything. And no, it wasn't 50-50. He cheated and the divorce left me with the majority assets per our prenup. That's half of what he owed. The family home was mine before the marriage. The cars are getting sold and put for my daughter's college per his will.

[00:14:58] The 25k in half the lake house was his assets. His personal bank account balance went to his parents per his will. There's no assets for them based on the will. The only asset they would get is what I offered to give them. The 25k and they could contest part ownership of the lake house. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to go beyond that. I was the higher income in my marriage and in the divorce, I was getting most of the assets. My daughters are about to head to college.

[00:15:27] I feel for them, but I won't have my daughter's quality of life suffer. I'm so bold of you to assume my daughters are expected to love them out of the bat. They're going to therapy, and it's up to them if they one day want to be in their half-brother's life or not. I won't pressure them. I hope they learn not to hate them and at least see them as innocent in all of this. But they won't be forced to see them as family. I'm following the instructions strictly of the lawyers. My divorce lawyer and the lawyer in charge of the will.

[00:15:55] I won't do anything beyond the word of law as advised by counsel. Also irrelevant if I deserved a loyal husband. My daughters deserved a better father. The twins will only get what the law dictates. Absolutely, I'm with OP on this. They're just protecting their daughters at the minute and they need to let their daughters feel what they're feeling whilst they're going through therapy and dealing with everything around them. There's a whole load of innocent people in this story.

[00:16:24] Obviously, OP, the twins, the daughters, all that's been affected by those people's selfish choices. And of course, I feel sorry for those boys because, you know, they're innocent babies. But to expect OP to care for them is just beyond ridiculous in my opinion. And I'm not sure what chance in hell the in-laws think they're going to get for adopting these children when they're currently living in an assisted facility.

[00:16:53] Like they're going to pass the interview to be able to care for these children. But OP did come in with another update and said, Hey everyone, some people have been asking me for updates. And to be sincere, I had nothing until today. To start things, cousins from my ex-husband's side of the family took the boys in. I know them. They're lovely and I know they give the twins a great life. The new parents, calling them Matt and Kim, talked to my daughters and let them know

[00:17:20] if they ever want to reach out to their half-brothers, they just have to call. Otherwise, they can see them as distant cousins. My girls thanked them but insisted they don't really want a sibling relationship at this time. But that maybe as cousins, it will be okay. I did offer them the money from the shared account since they are family. And they said not to worry since they don't need it. Kim even insisted I use that money for a vacation for my girls and I. Apparently, I looked like the living dead.

[00:17:48] They also set very strict lines with my in-laws and the parents of my ex's affair partner. They can see the boys but they won't be seen as grandparents. This apparently caused a big fight with the affair partner's parents. Matt and Kim then cut them off. Again, threats of suing for grandparents' rights were thrown around. But it went nowhere. That's how I found out why the affair partner's parents couldn't take the boys permanently. The father is a convicted felon in an abuse case.

[00:18:18] I won't share the details out of respect but if what Matt and Kim told me is true, I'm glad the boys won't grow up with that man as an example. The only reason his wife had temp guardianship was because of the sudden death of the parents and the process to find a relative to raise the boys. She would have had to live away from her husband to allow permanent custody. And she wasn't willing to do so. My ex-in-laws did figure threats were not going to work. So they agreed to be great uncles instead.

[00:18:47] Good for them. I guess. They now want me to let them live with me and the girls since they left assisted living recently and now the place they were in doesn't have an opening. This place has a long wait list and the only reason they got in originally was because my ex and I offered to pay five years in full. They still had two full years paid left and I was going to pay for them. After everything they put my daughters and me through, I'd rather burn money in a grill than spend it on them.

[00:19:15] I know they want the girls and I to be their caretakers. I won't even consider it. My daughters have their paths to follow and in all honesty, I want to consider meeting someone new. I know it sounds like I'm moving on too quick but I've been working on to move on since I found out about the affair. I don't think my ex deserves me to go through a mourning period. I already mourned our relationship. At least that's what my eldest daughter said, funny enough. She's been encouraging me to go out and meet someone.

[00:19:45] We still have that custody lawsuit from my ex-in-laws going and a few other issues that I will update when I have more. But I wanted to at least let everyone know the boys are safe and together. So, the first commenter said to OP, you and your daughters sound actually really well adjusted. I'm glad the boys landed in a safe place and can still have some sort of friendly family relationship with their half sisters. I think this is beyond my best expectations for this event and I'm happy for everyone.

[00:20:12] Especially for the soon to be homeless slash not in as nice as home ones. OP says they should be well enough monetarily to afford a new place so they'll be fine. It might be horrid but if they were to go homeless I'll put the money to at least get them a relatively comfortable facility. It's really up to them what they do now though. The commenter says, So how come your ex-in-laws left their prepaid accommodation? Did you get the two years of unused rent back? That's a lot of money. OP says nope.

[00:20:42] They signed off on the money since they're in a hurry to do the whole custody plan. I'm talking with a lawyer to see if we can recoup the money, but very unlikely since the breach was done by my in-laws. And yeah, about $180k. OP continues, Oh I absolutely agree. Mike's father-in-law is pretty much blind and has a bad knee. He can barely move. Mike's mother-in-law has back issues. Both of them are also diabetic and have other issues that in all honesty makes it impossible for them to live alone.

[00:21:11] Wherever they go, a caretaker is a must. It's why my ex and I looked for a good facility. And the final comment from OP which says, If they had not received my ex's personal savings and life insurance, I'd feel obligated. They received a lot of money from him. Enough to live comfortable if they don't squander it. Now if they do squander it, it's on them. Again, the hypothetical scenario would be if they were without means from the get-go.

[00:21:36] I'm not sure I feel as obligated as you do in this situation after all the shit that they've pulled in this. But I'm glad, like some of the comments said that the boys did find a safe space. And like the comments said again, it seems like your daughters are well adjusted to what's going on. It feels like things are moving in the best direction for the majority of people in this situation at the minute.

[00:22:03] But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved in today's stories. Your love, your support, your time always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so so much for being involved. And hopefully, I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love.