I'm "Holding My Grandmothers Pearl Necklace" Hostage According To My Sister

[00:00:02] [SPEAKER_00] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider in the like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story.

[00:00:19] [SPEAKER_00] Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from the Am I the Arsehole subreddit. There's trigger warnings on it of ableism and disability discrimination. So as always, if you do want to skip it, please feel free to do so. Timestamps are always down in the description and along the timeline below. Thank you. The OP is Pearl Wedding Issue and it's titled Am I the Arsehole? Holding My Grandmother's Pearls Hostage If My Partner Can't Go To My Sister's Wedding.

[00:00:45] [SPEAKER_00] Using a throwaway as I don't want this on my main Reddit. I, 37female, have been seeing my partner, 38 male, for 4 years. Is born with achondroplasia, probably about that pronunciation I did try finding it, and is a little person. I come from a family who hold some ableist views. Some views I internalized too when I was younger and I tried to move past as I got older. I am the first to say I wasn't perfect either.

[00:01:10] [SPEAKER_00] When I met my partner we started as friends and my family would often make comments when he wasn't around. When we started to date, jokes were made about how I must feel desperate and had given up. My partner is a fantastic man. The best I've ever met. He's funny, charming, kind and so loving. I often tell people it's no different than a short girl dating a 6 foot tall guy, so who cares.

[00:01:34] [SPEAKER_00] My family and I clashed for 2 years over him. I fought with him constantly and ended up greatly limiting contact with most of my family if they couldn't accept him. He always tried to talk me out of this, that he could take it and they were just closed minded idiots, but I don't think he should have to put up with that. The one I've kept in constant contact with is my sister, 35 female. She also had misgivings about my partner, but once she got to know him, she moved past it.

[00:01:59] [SPEAKER_00] She's getting married in June and the plan was for me to loan her our grandmother's pearl necklace, as she felt it would go with the dress greatly. It was left to me. She got our grandmother's sapphire ring. She messaged me 2 nights ago to ask if I'd not bring my partner to her wedding. She likes him, but she knows he'd cause drama at her wedding and she doesn't want that tainting her day. I got upset at this and told her if he wasn't going, I wasn't either, as he is my family. She asked me to just suck it up for the day and it was better to keep the peace.

[00:02:29] [SPEAKER_00] I lost my temper at this and made it clear to her that she could invite us both or neither. I also made it clear she wasn't getting the pearls if he wasn't coming, that she was a grown woman and she needed to stop caving into our family and put her foot down for her own views. She accused me of holding the pearls hostage so I could get what I wanted which hurt me, as it seems she cares more about the pearls being there than me with that comment.

[00:02:51] [SPEAKER_00] I know it's her day and she doesn't want our family making comments, but I don't see why my partner, who has never been anything but kind to her, should be the one to suffer. He's upset over this, though telling me I might regret not going and he doesn't want that for me. Am I the arse all over this? Should I just go or give her the pearls for the day and not go?

[00:03:10] [SPEAKER_00] For me, the OP's pearls will stop and that's it. Why should she happily lend something meaningful to help create like the perfect wedding moment for a family that's disrespecting her partner? If you was to go along with this, you'd just be enabling their ableism. And this is not about control or anything, it's just about respect. If they can't respect OP's relationship, why should she go out of her way to support theirs?

[00:03:35] [SPEAKER_00] And if anything, like a lot of these stories, the pearls are just literally highlighting the issue and are not the issue themselves. Tight decision says not the arsehole. The pearls are a family heirloom that belongs to you. Loaning them is a gesture of closeness and support. If she is unwilling to support your relationship or stand up to the family's bigotry, she doesn't really get to root the benefits of that closeness by wearing your jewelry. OP says thank you. I just feel like loaning her the pearls while she is actively excluding my partner is wrong.

[00:04:06] [SPEAKER_00] The commenter says, you called them your grandmother's pearls but they are yours. You're not keeping the pearls hostage. You're using your own property as you see fit. If your sister is making you feel unwelcome at her wedding, you didn't have to let her use your property. This isn't the only pearl necklace in the world. Not the arsehole. OP says they are mine, you're right. It's just a bit of a holdover, I think, as they make me think of her. So in my mind, they are hers even if they are mine now.

[00:04:32] [SPEAKER_00] Mobius replies saying, and what would your grandmother think of your sister's behavior towards your partner? Anyway, if she has a sapphire ring of your grand's, she's already got her something old and something blue. If you lend her the pearls, I can almost guarantee you won't get them back. OP says I'm honestly not sure. I like to think that she would have liked him and been kind to him, but she died when I was eight. I have fond memories of her, but that's not an age where I'd have been fully aware if she was ableist or not. I love her, but I cannot make that judgment as an adult.

[00:05:01] [SPEAKER_00] As for getting the pearls back, honestly, I don't want to say I could see that, but I could see our parents trying to make her think I don't deserve them back. Swill Shop says you are not an arsehole. But I would have not have framed it as no pearls unless he gets to come too. That does suggest you're holding the pearls as a carrot to get what you want. Instead, I think it should be more, I do wish you had not chosen to punish the innocent person here to appease the intolerant, narrow-minded and vocally rude relatives.

[00:05:26] [SPEAKER_00] But you did, and it hurts and disappoints me. I was wrong to suggest you could have the pearls if you invited him. You either invite him or you don't, that is your decision. It is my decision to share a family heirloom with the people I consider family. Right now, the only family I see is my partner. You're about to marry and commit yourself to your fiancé. When you do, I hope you see that he has become your primary family, and that standing up for slash doing right by your spouse or partner is not something to gloss over to make other people happy.

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_00] A commoner says, not the arsehole, people are so weird. He treats you right and they have an issue with him over something he has no control over. I can't even imagine how he must feel. Boopy says, he absolutely hates it but he doesn't want me to lose contact with my family. Honestly, if not for him, convincing me to keep having contact with them, I think I'd have gone no contact a long time ago rather than limited. And Idriff says, not the arsehole. Last I checked, they were your pearls now. And you can choose to loan them out or not loan them out.

[00:06:24] [SPEAKER_00] If you end up not going to the wedding, take a pic of your cat. God, I hope you have a cat wearing the pearls and uploaded on your social media and say, He learned fine about your decision. Opie says, I don't have a cat sadly. I'm allergic. I could put it on a cat plushie I have from my partner when we started to date though. So Opie came in with their update about a month later and says, I thought I'd post an update on my situation which I covered in this post and shared the link. As so many of you were very nice about it and gave great advice.

[00:06:54] [SPEAKER_00] A few things of note have changed since my post. Firstly, I'm engaged. It was purely by accident honestly. I was cleaning out our room to prepare for new flooring. We're getting installed and in the process of cleaning, I found the ring. It led to a bit of a laugh between us and he was very flustered. Turns out he bought the ring in January but had been waiting for the right moment and wanted it to be romantic. Honestly, it may not be most people's dream but being proposed to in our room while it is a mess and we are both laughing is a happy memory I'll have for the rest of my life.

[00:07:24] [SPEAKER_00] Aww. I reached out to my sister and we met for coffee. I told her I was engaged and if she couldn't accept my future husband and wouldn't take a side in our family's ableist views against him just because he was born with achondroplasia and simply tried to sit on the fence, then I couldn't come to her wedding at all as he is my family. She got very angry at me, accused me of getting engaged just to spite her and try to copy her and asked me who I thought would even come to the wedding as I'd greatly limit contact with most of our family.

[00:07:52] [SPEAKER_00] I didn't shout or get angry like I might have a few weeks ago. Honestly, I just felt kind of numb about the whole thing and told her my friends and his friends and family would be there and that was enough. I also told her I'd be wearing the pearls for my wedding and they were fully off the table to her now even if she apologized and invited him to a wedding. I told her I loved her and wanted her to be in my life and that if she ever saw sense, she'd be welcomed back in my life. But till then, it was best we didn't speak anymore.

[00:08:19] [SPEAKER_00] She told me if I didn't give her the pearls for a wedding, she didn't want to speak to me at all and hell would freeze over before she apologized. My fiance was sad for me that I felt the need to draw this line, worrying it was his fault but I assured him it wasn't and if she ever pulled her head out of her ass, we'd of course welcome her back. We've been discussing our planned wedding with friends and his family. One of my friends who is a petty bitch, I love her so much, suggested I have my wedding on the same day as my sister to spite her. But I laughed that off as I wasn't about to go that low.

[00:08:49] [SPEAKER_00] Our wedding is going to be a simple thing held in his parents' garden. We're using money we might have spent on a huge wedding as a deposit for a house instead, as we think that's more important. We didn't have a date yet but it's likely going to be Spring 2027. Thank you everyone for your input. I'm sad of course, but it's for the best. A commenter said to OP, Firstly and most importantly, congratulations. This is a beautiful update and such a heartfelt engagement story.

[00:09:16] [SPEAKER_00] Your soon-to-be husband sounds like a good man, but he is indeed truly blessed to have such a life partner. It's not to be overlooked or taken for granted how having such a loving, respectful and trustworthy spouse can truly make your life magical. I hope you have a wonderful wedding, but may your days afterwards fill you with so much joy. I think you have a very generous heart allowing your sister's space to come back into your life, but also holding firm. It can be very difficult, but it's amazing to have that space.

[00:09:42] [SPEAKER_00] People are never satisfied or happy, so why live by other people's standards? Ogi says thank you so much. I'm blessed to have him as my partner too. I've never been happier with anyone else in my entire life. I love my sister despite the hurt and how she wanted to brush him under the rug. We grew up together and it's impossible to just turn those emotions off. It's just the same way I love my family, even if they've hurt me deeply with their hateful attitude. I grew beyond our family's outlook, younger than her, but I grew so I hope one day she can too.

[00:10:11] [SPEAKER_00] For now we're just living our lives and if they can't accept both of us, then we don't need them around. Another Commodore says not the arse or congrats to you both. Have your wedding the day before hers. Opie says I think you and my friend would get along, however no. I don't want to make my choice of date just out of spite towards her, while it's funny to imagine. The Commodore says don't crack when she does apologize eventually. Protect your family. Opie says oh if she apologizes down the line and means it, I'll welcome her back into my life.

[00:10:39] [SPEAKER_00] She's my little sister, but I will trust her far less even then. Another Commodore says not the arse or congrats. Your wedding will be beautiful and now drama free. And I'm so glad to see someone having their priorities right on Reddit. Sticking up for your partner and not wasting all your money on a wedding. Opie says honestly we were thinking about just going and doing a registry office and getting married that way. We're happy no matter how we end up married and felt getting a house to grow old together instead of renting was more important. But we wanted our friends and family to give their input.

[00:11:08] [SPEAKER_00] His parents have a lovely garden so offered it up and it just felt right. And one more commenter who says I'm still wrapping my head around the idea that you copied her by getting engaged. Congrats to your sister and her partner for inventing the concept of marriage. Clearly weddings between two committed persons have never happened before. Maybe it will catch on and others will follow their example. With an eye roll emoji. What a witch. Your engagement story is precious. What a beautiful memory. Wear the pearls with pride at your own wedding.

[00:11:37] [SPEAKER_00] Maybe also send her a text requesting to borrow your grandmother's ring. Stir up some shit. Opie says I honestly didn't get that at all. I suppose in her mind because I got engaged while this drama was going on. I was copying her and getting married to make a point. As if that is the reason enough to make a lifelong commitment. Never mind he bought the ring months ago. Oh my god the text idea of asking to borrow a ring made me choke. I have to send that to my friend. She will love it. Thank you.

[00:12:05] [SPEAKER_00] And like the commenter said absolutely huge congratulations on your engagement. And I think your story of finding the ring and you two having a laugh in that room together. While it's you know all chaotic and stuff. It's an absolute lovely memory. A perfect way to get engaged in my opinion. It's a shame that your sister did choose to double and then triple down in the end. But in some ways not really a surprise. And it sounds like you got good people around you in terms of your partner's family. Your fiance's family should I say.

[00:12:34] [SPEAKER_00] And your friends and chosen family around you. And I think that is a beautiful thing. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And let's move on to another story. Now our next story comes from unlikely custard8277 from the am I the arseholehere subreddit. And it says am I the arseholehere for refusing to change my kid's name. Despite it sounding like a slur to my mother-in-law.

[00:13:02] [SPEAKER_00] This started a few weeks ago but I'd never used reddit before. And wasn't sure how to do one of these. For context I'm mixed race. White and middle eastern from my mum. My mum had been Hebrew but changed denominations after moving to America and meeting my dad. My husband and his mum is African American. I32 female have recently had my first baby. I'd given up on love when I met John, 40 male, a year next week. What started as a one night stand.

[00:13:31] [SPEAKER_00] Then following encounters turned into a shotgun wedding. But we weren't upset about this. John hadn't had many girlfriends before and he claims he was happy to settle down. Had much the same feelings. We got married in August and I met his mother two days before our courthouse wedding slash yard party. She was honestly one of the most amazing people I'd ever met. I never had a mother of my own really and she was everything I'd ever wanted. She planned my baby shower, surprised me with a birthday party and so much more during the pregnancy.

[00:14:01] [SPEAKER_00] I went into labour a week early in mid-March. She and the rest of his family stayed away and let us update to them on our time. My beautiful baby girl was born March 19th at 2.19am. This is where the issue starts. That same day around lunch we let John's mum and stepdad come visit. We'd had several names picked out. Some of which mother-in-law helped me choose. However, I looked into my daughter's eyes and knew her name. Context. My mum's name was Nessa.

[00:14:31] [SPEAKER_00] N-E-S-S-A. She'd been a wonderful lady I'd never been able to meet. So I chose Nissa instead. Said like N-I-S-S-U-H. My mother-in-law said nothing at first. She took photos, hugged my husband, was going on about how pretty our daughter was but never said anything to me. I'd not noticed at the time. I'd been exhausted and out of it and had left soon after.

[00:14:57] [SPEAKER_00] My husband said something to his mum about it after they left over text and my mother-in-law went off about the dirty slur-like name I chose and said I was disrespectful and racist for not asking her first. What? My husband waited until we were home to tell me about this and asked if this was a hill we were willing to die on. I was shocked. He loved the name when I brought it up. He says his mum is right and it's two letters off from being the exact word. Only, it's not the word.

[00:15:26] [SPEAKER_00] He slept on the couch. I hoped over the last few weeks she would get over it along with him. He eventually conceded it was a dumb request and stood his ground to his mum. She came over the next day while he was at work and told me either I'd change it or she'd tell my husband our baby isn't his. I ended up crying and she left. But I texted my husband in a group chat after and told them there's no way in hell I'm renaming my three week baby and told my husband what she said.

[00:15:54] [SPEAKER_00] Of course, she denied it. It started another fight with my husband and he hasn't slept in the bed for a week now. He keeps telling me I'm being overly sensitive over a name and that I'd never even knew my mum so it doesn't matter. So am I the arsehole here for refusing to rename my baby because my mother-in-law thinks it sounds like a slur? Is it worth fighting for a name when I can just pick another because she's not even that old? I feel backed into a corner and starting to feel like my husband is right and to give in to his mum.

[00:16:23] [SPEAKER_00] He keeps telling me he thinks the name is wonderful and beautiful but not worth the drama. Maybe this is how mums are. Edit It felt strange to me to name my baby Nessa because I did not know my mother. I wanted to honour her still. Nessa was a name they considered for me before meeting me and making their decision. I chose it because I thought it was beautiful and a great way to honour her. Edit 2 I've seen so many people ask and I don't want anyone to be confused I guess.

[00:16:52] [SPEAKER_00] Mum was Jewish. I've seen a lot of Jewish hate and was nervous about publicising that. Her family converted to Judaism at some point, maybe, possibly, according to my father and eventually she became a Christian because that's what my father was when they married. Also thank you to everyone who makes respectful comments. Thank you to the people who respectfully told me a different perspective. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of love I've received. I finally had enough and my husband slept in the bed last night.

[00:17:18] [SPEAKER_00] He told me he really liked the name but his mum wasn't going to let it go. So I decided to have his mum and co for dinner tomorrow night. Let's see how that goes. A commenter says That's a very common Middle Eastern and South Asian name. I know three people myself who have that name. Not D.R.S.O. The commenter says I was gonna say it's not like that's not a name. Pilot says

[00:17:50] [SPEAKER_00] Fancy says This is probably a contributing factor why at 40, husband hadn't had many girlfriends. The commenter says Full stop on the I never met my mum so it doesn't make a difference. That is not something a loving husband would ever say to his wife. I can see mother-in-law becoming an issue. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't back down. I don't see how Nissa is even in the same fucking universe as the slur other than it shares three letters.

[00:18:15] [SPEAKER_00] And for mother-in-law to pull the do what I say or I'll implode your marriage and tell my son the baby isn't his card. What the actual fuck? I don't know. I get a bad feeling about them. If you change her name it only keeps the peace with people like her for so long. She'll find another thing to control then another thing. Your life will be hell if you allow her to dictate your decisions. And your husband has no backbone. If I were you I'd keep the name and if they don't like it tough shit. She won't see a granddaughter. I don't take kindly to people who try to control me.

[00:18:44] [SPEAKER_00] You are not the asshole but they sure as hell are. ETA thank you for the rewards fellow redditors. I appreciate you. I sincerely hope this makes OP take heed to what we've all said. This issue will snowball and she won't win no matter what she does. But I hope she chooses herself and her daughter. Wisher says I know a girl named Nyssa in school. She was lovely and I don't remember anyone making fun of her name or connecting it to a slur.

[00:19:09] [SPEAKER_00] So it was nine days later that OP updated the post and says a lot happened at dinner and I've been feeling really down since then. I've waited to see if there'd be anything else to update you guys on as well. But so far it's been quiet. At least for the past week. So I did invite my mother-in-law and father-in-law over for dinner. It did not go well. It was tense from the start. I tried to calmly explain why I chose my daughter's name and what it means to me. I also asked her directly why she felt so strongly about it and tried to understand where she was coming from.

[00:19:39] [SPEAKER_00] But she didn't really give me a clear answer. She kept spouting something about how I'd made her son into a bad father. I don't know where this came from. And doubling down on some other stuff she already said. She even questioned my daughter's paternity again. At first my husband was kind of agreeing with her or at least not really pushing back. Which made things worse. But then she said something really derogatory towards me. Plus the bad parent thing and paternity issue. And that's when things changed. My husband finally stepped in and told her she was out of line.

[00:20:08] [SPEAKER_00] After that we asked them to leave early. They refused and it turned into a huge fight. It escalated to the point where we had to call the cops. It somehow got even worse from there. She started yelling at the officers about how they should be dealing with me for terrorism. And she even assaulted one of them. It ended up taking her in. Which led to a fight between me and John. And how she wasn't going to take up any of her threats. Even though he was the one who told me to call the cops. And he left. My father-in-law returned the next morning and offered to watch Nyssa for me.

[00:20:38] [SPEAKER_00] While I went and talked to John. He'd been nothing but neutral the entire time. And had even been helping me the night before. To get my mother-in-law out. We ended up sitting down and talking. And he said he was going to divorce mother-in-law. Because she'd always been racially insensitive to his experiences. And downright crazy to his adult children. And now there's no denying her ugliness with my situation. Any wish for me to tell John to suck it and divorce him too. Or to at least tell him to grow the hell up and smell the fresh air. He would never grow up with my mother-in-law as involved as she was.

[00:21:08] [SPEAKER_00] Y'all my father-in-law told me. Until he and mother-in-law married. My husband slept in her bed. He was literally 29. He told me. What? He told me a lot more disturbing things. I don't want to repeat. I ended up telling father-in-law I wasn't prepared to talk to my husband. He said a lot of ugly things the night before. And I asked father-in-law to tell John he could pick up some clothes. But he'd have to stay with them or find a motel. The last I heard father-in-law went to stay at a hotel. Mother-in-law was bailed out by John. And John and mother-in-law have been staying at their house.

[00:21:38] [SPEAKER_00] I've never felt so alone. The only thing I'm sure about is my baby girl's name. Nissa Rose. And probably my last name. Sorry it took so long to post. The commenter said to OP, father-in-law is a real one. Hope you're able to keep him in your and Nissa's lives. But run. Sleeping in mommy's bed until you're 29? Nope. Take your father-in-law's advice and take your kid and run. Max says, when a parent tells you to leave their child because you're too good for them. Well leave them and go.

[00:22:06] [SPEAKER_00] No4 says lawyer up. You need to document that he abandoned his father's duty and stayed with his mom. It's disgusting how she groomed him but there's nothing you can do besides leaving. That's it. And one more that says yeah. This guy wasn't remotely ready to be a husband or a father. The way he treated you is appalling and he will never be a partner to you or a functional dad to your baby. Sounds like you had a whirlwind romance and the scary weird stuff didn't come out of him until he locked you down with a pregnancy and marriage. Unfortunately divorce is the only sane path forward.

[00:22:37] [SPEAKER_00] You're young and have plenty of time to find happiness and stability for yourself and your little girl. But getting towards the end of that one and when father-in-law came back into the house I thought oh no he's not going to take the baby and sort of disappear or something along those lines is he. You know that reddit brain was kicking off. But what do you guys make of this situation? How would you deal with that if it was you? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below and let's move on to another story.

[00:23:05] [SPEAKER_00] Now our final story is coming from our very own subreddit r slash mark narration so there's no update on it as yet. But from Glitter's BlueMeXO who says am I the arsehole for filing for divorce after I found my husband had been lying about his entire background since before we met. My husband and I have been married for 11 years. Good marriage, genuinely. We built something real together. We have a life I was proud of so I trusted him completely. About six weeks ago something came up at a family gathering.

[00:23:35] [SPEAKER_00] One of his relatives I had never met before said something offhand about where he grew up. Mentioned the neighborhood, mentioned the school and none of it matched anything he had ever told me. I did not say anything in the moment but I brought it up on the drive home. He got quiet in a way that told me immediately it was not nothing. It took two weeks of conversations to get the full picture. The version of himself he had presented to me when we met was largely constructed. He did not grow up where he said he did. His family background was not what he described.

[00:24:05] [SPEAKER_00] The story he told about his childhood, the one that made me understand why he was the way he was, why he valued the things he valued, why he had a relationship with his family that he described. Most of it was not true. He had built a version of himself that he felt was more acceptable and had shown me that version from the very beginning. He said he grew up ashamed of where he came from and who he was and by the time things got serious between us, the story had already taken on a life of its own and he did not know how to go back. I have sat with that.

[00:24:34] [SPEAKER_00] I genuinely tried to feel compassion for the person who felt he had to do that. I keep coming back to the fact that I did not fall in love with a version of him. I fell in love with a story he wrote about himself and he let me build 11 years of marriage on top of that story without ever once saying, actually, let me show you who I really am. I told him I needed to separate. I've started the paperwork. I'm I, the asshole. Goldie Butterfly says to the OP, You did not marry a man with a complicated past.

[00:25:03] [SPEAKER_00] You married a character he wrote and he let you love that character for 11 years without ever trusting you enough to show you the real one. Commodore says, If this is your deal breaker, you have that right. But this seems salvageable. Your husband is damaged. His lies weren't to be cruel. To get away with something or for no reason. He lied because he doesn't see who he is. He hates a large part of himself and instead of dealing with it, he hid it away. As to you loving him, it doesn't matter who he was when you met and married. He will grow and change over time.

[00:25:33] [SPEAKER_00] You've had 11 years of living with this man. His actions each day have shown you who he is and you loved him for that, not his background. He needs help, obviously, but if you spent 11 faithful years loving you and keeping you happy, isn't that worth the effort to save your marriage? Another commenter says, I know the betrayal cuts deep, but that's still the man you've been together with happily for over a decade. What he lied about seems to have been superficial details if you've been seeing his family on occasion for over a decade as well and not found any discrepancy until now.

[00:26:03] [SPEAKER_00] I get the points where you think the lies are the foundation of how you knew him as a person, but it's just that the face of why he held such beliefs was different, not that the beliefs are different. I think right now you're angry because of the deception that cuts as betrayal, but while you should take time away to yourself and demand he put himself in therapy to face why he upheld those lies all the way to the altar and a decade more, I don't think you should rush into filing divorce. This is a rather serious and shocking, sudden situation for you, and you could also benefit from a therapist to process it.

[00:26:33] [SPEAKER_00] After that, reassess and fully hear out how things were from his end. Take that in and decide whether you can forgive it and not always doubt he's lying about something or if you truly wish to end your marriage of over a decade. Hazy says, not the asshole, maybe don't divorce yet though. Definitely take time and maybe therapy so that you can see if maybe the person you have now is really him outside of what he told you. You might be able to re-get to know each other. A commenter replies saying, I can see this point of view but, devil's advocate here.

[00:27:03] [SPEAKER_00] How will she know that whatever he tells her next will be true? This may be bigger than him, her or them. Therapy for years may not fix it and then what? She's wasted years of marriage and therapy with this person she doesn't know and she'll be trying to save a marriage that doesn't exist. In her shoes, I would probably feel the same way about just cutting ties right here and moving on with my life. As broken as I may be at that point, it may already have done enough damage to her that she will likely have trouble trusting anyone again.

[00:27:31] [SPEAKER_00] And is it really worth trying to save something that wasn't really there? I guess you could say that he has truly loved her all this time. That as a person, he's been good to her and good in their marriage. That he didn't want to hurt her by bringing up the truth so late in the game. But marriage, long-term partnership, is more than just being in the moment. It's about building on a strong foundation, constantly adding moments and memories to that foundation and putting bits and pieces of our past into those memories to make them special. I just don't see how he could recover from this.

[00:28:00] [SPEAKER_00] Maybe they could start all the way over. She is the only one who would know whether she could trust him to be honest with her and it sounds to me like she's very understandably hurt. This revelation has cut deep enough that the relationship is irrevocably broken. I think she needs to move on and start the healing process if she wants to start to feel whole again or have any hope of having another long-term partnership or marriage again. Which is absolutely not necessary by the way. This all just sucks. I'm so sorry OP.

[00:28:28] [SPEAKER_00] Definitely not the arsehole. And please take care of yourself. And I was kind of getting both sides of the comments here and it's a really difficult one isn't it? Because this isn't just you know he had a complicated past or he changed a few details. He maintained this narrative for who he was for over 11 years. That's not just a mistake. That's sustained deception right? And the hardest part isn't even the lie itself. It's what it's done to the trust and what it could do to the future of their relationship. Because now everything becomes questionable.

[00:28:58] [SPEAKER_00] Not just his past but what else has he changed? What parts of him were real? What parts of it you know were part of his story? And how do you rebuild that trust when like the commenter said the foundation was never solid to begin with? And of course people pointing out that they've had years of what sounds like a good marriage. And that's fair but she had a good marriage with someone she believed she understood. And now she has to face the fact that some of it wasn't real.

[00:29:24] [SPEAKER_00] I think it's one of those ones that's going to come to a very very personal decision on how they can move forward etc. Like OP is she ever going to be able to trust him again? Is she ever going to believe or she was going to be questioning? Would therapy together or single or both help them to go forward? Like I said in a lot of these stories when trust is broken I'm not giving advice here because I really don't know what to say. But for me like when trust is broken in a way I find myself questioning the future.

[00:29:49] [SPEAKER_00] Like every decision that's made you know am I hearing the truth here am I not? And that might be a me problem. But it certainly wouldn't be a healthy way to move forward in a relationship thinking along those lines would it? But OP might not be like that at all. So now I'm going to turn this one to you guys. What do you guys think about this one? Do you think you're divorcing this? Would you be able to move past it maybe with therapy of some sort? Maybe you wouldn't see it as an issue at all.

[00:30:16] [SPEAKER_00] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. That's just a huge thank you for being here today getting involved in the stories. Your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so so much for being here truly. It's absolutely amazing and hopefully I'm going to see you in the next one. Take care and much love.