I Pretended To QUIT MY JOB Because My Partner Kept Devaluing It!

[00:00:02] [SPEAKER_00] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider? Hit that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from sufficientcoach554 and it says, am I the arsehole here for pretending that I quit my job because my partner kept devaluing it?

[00:00:31] [SPEAKER_00] My husband, 28 male, and I, 27 female, have been together for 7 years. Married for 3. He earns more than me so I end up doing more around the house to compensate for that. But my job covers the monthly rent and all my monthly expenses including medical insurance, life insurance, debt, etc. I work in finance so I don't earn badly by any means and we'd struggle a bit if we were to live on his salary alone.

[00:00:56] [SPEAKER_00] I also manage all the finances for the family since it's my field of expertise anyway. I make sure all the bills get paid, monthly budgeting, managing our debt, repayment plan, etc. Because I work remotely for a foreign company, the hours I have to be online for work is around 4pm to midnight, 5 days a week. He wants to go out for dinner with a friend. Just him, his friend, friend's girlfriend, and me.

[00:01:20] [SPEAKER_00] And despite him knowing what my work schedule is and me reminding him I can't just come and go as I please, they went ahead and planned it for next Friday. Friend and friend's girlfriend are also very aware of my schedule and I've spoken to them directly about it too. Fridays are my worst days and ones I absolutely can't mess with because of strict work deadlines. I also have a reoccurring meeting with an important client on Friday night at 8pm. Once again, I've made them all aware of this multiple times and it gets ignored.

[00:01:48] [SPEAKER_00] They're all available the whole weekend but refuse to move it to Saturday to just help make my life a little easier. Moving it to the day after will literally not inconvenience any of them in any way. I'd happily just not go at all but they keep guilt tripping me for days afterwards if I don't go which makes me feel like crap. They keep doing this, I keep asking them not to and they just don't seem to care. Needless to say, I've had enough. Here's where I might be the arse on.

[00:02:15] [SPEAKER_00] Basically when I got mad that they're doing this to me for the umpteenth time and I voiced my frustration to my husband. It was incredibly dismissive and basically implied that my job is not important. Needless to say, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. Today, I had no meeting, so purposely stayed in my PJs all day and pretended like I was playing video games. My desk is positioned in such a way that there is a wall right behind me and he physically can't see my screen unless he walks behind my desk and stands right next to me.

[00:02:43] [SPEAKER_00] We also have separate studies. So anytime I see him approach, I'd minimize the programs I use for work and open the video game I'm playing. When he asked me about it, I told him that since my job is of little consequence, that I decided to just resign because it was stressing me out so much. If it's not important, then it's not worth stressing myself over. Well, he freaked out about it and I just kept repeating that my job's not important so I don't understand why he's so upset.

[00:03:10] [SPEAKER_00] I'm not usually one for confrontation, but once I finally lost my cool, I can be quite petty. After some back and forth, he eventually stormed off to the other room and I continued working secretly. After a while, I got bored with the whole charade and told him I was lying and that I didn't actually resign. And well, long story short, he's furious with me and is currently out taking a walk to clear his head. I just felt like no one was listening to me and all I was asking for was for them to just be a bit accommodating,

[00:03:38] [SPEAKER_00] but they repeatedly pulled this stuff for years now. Talking obviously wasn't getting through to any of them, so I figured I needed a change of strategy for it to get through to him at least. So am I the arsehole here? Opie as English isn't my native language, please disregard any mistakes and edit. My wording was a bit confusing, so just clearing it up. Our medical insurance, life insurance and debt aren't combined. When I say I'm paying medical, life insurance and debt, I'm talking about my own, not both of us. He covers his own.

[00:04:08] [SPEAKER_00] We had these policies before we got married and merging them is a pain in the butt. Now for me, do I think it was the best way to deal with it? In reality, probably not. Communication is always going to be the best way going forward, but Opie does say that she's talked about it time and time again, spent years explaining her schedule, reminding them, even talking directly to the friends, and they still plan things right on top of her work. And that can slip from like forgetfulness or whatever it is to just almost straight up disrespect.

[00:04:36] [SPEAKER_00] And, you know, the moment he thought she quit, suddenly the job mattered. Suddenly it was a problem. But when she was stressed or overworked and just asking, you know, some basic consideration, I mean, that's your wife, right? It was not important. So which is it? Because you can't dismiss someone's job when it's inconvenient for you and then panic when it affects your lifestyle. You know, you just can't do that. The commenter says everyone sucks here. Him and your friends suck for not planning around your schedule, but you took it too far and lied.

[00:05:06] [SPEAKER_00] Say, I can't go as I'm working. It's shitty for you to book it for a time that I'm not available. It really seems like this is deliberate and you just don't want me there. Use your words. Opie says, I've tried that approach. They keep saying giving me fake apologies and then they just do it again anyway. Queen Levine says info. If you're paying the rent, how is he the bigger contributor financially? Opie says he pays everything else. Utilities, internet, all groceries and other bills.

[00:05:34] [SPEAKER_00] Insurance, the car payment, transport and entertainment expenses, etc. And he also has some debt repayments. We're also helping his parents with money every month. Their taxes are behind, so we're saving up for a big tax bill for them too. The commenter replies saying, oh wow. This comment made it even worse. So you're considering this contribution bigger because he covers expenses that are bigger than your rent, which consists of his and his parents' personal debts.

[00:06:00] [SPEAKER_00] Opie says, for about three years I was unemployed and he covered literally all of my expenses without complaint. It was a very difficult time and I couldn't find any work, but we got through it. Sometimes one pays more than the other. Then maybe later down the line the other picks up the slack. His parents are very dear to me, so I don't mind helping them. I'm closer to his mum than I ever was to my own and they are genuinely good people. A commenter says, you know you can do better than him, right? What the heck is going on? Opie says it's difficult.

[00:06:30] [SPEAKER_00] My whole family is dead, so he and his family are all I really have. I get on really well with his parents, siblings and nieces. He's generally not an arse in other cases. It's just one thing for some reason I can't wrap my head around. A commenter says, but seriously, why didn't you find a different job with normal hours? Opie says I have delayed sleep phase disorder, so I struggle to fall asleep and wake up at what is considered a normal time. This job actually works really well for me.

[00:06:58] [SPEAKER_00] When I used to work regular hours, I'd feel like shit 24-7. I always feel well rested now with a schedule and I really like it actually. A commenter says, that's interesting. How did you figure out you had this condition? Opie says my diagnosis was a joint effort between my psychiatrist and a sleep clinic, but I was only diagnosed with it a few years ago as an adult. I was hooked up to a little device while I slept. I can't remember how many nights I had to do this and had to keep a sleep diary for a bit.

[00:07:25] [SPEAKER_00] Basically, I had a very traumatic experience at night when I was six and my insomnia actually stems from severe PTSD. So that's why my psychiatrist was involved in the process. I'm very restless when I try to sleep at night because my body subconsciously thinks I'm in danger. So I need to take strong sleeping pills to stay asleep, which has me waking up feeling groggy. If I sleep during the day, on the other hand, I need no meds. I'm out cold within two minutes and I wake up feeling great. Another commenter says, I think your response was hilarious,

[00:07:54] [SPEAKER_00] but since you live with an entitled dismissive arsehole, you didn't get the laugh you deserved. Just curious, why do you spend time with people who think so little of you? Opie says, he's been friends with these guys for over 20 years now, so I do it because I'm trying to be a good and accommodating wife, I guess. I don't particularly care about hanging out with them, but I don't want to cause drama and make things uncomfortable. It's not nice when your SO and friends don't get along, so I didn't want to do that to him. The Vice Motor says, if he makes more than you, but you pay all the rent,

[00:08:23] [SPEAKER_00] medical and life insurance and plus debt, what exactly does he pay for? Besides being belittled for your job, are you sure you're not being taken advantage of? Opie says, we haven't gotten around to merging all our expenses, so I pay for my own medical, my own life insurance, my own debt. He pays for his medical, life insurance and debt, etc. Including our joint household insurance, utilities, internet groceries, transport and entertainment expenses. He also helps his parents out a lot. I see all his finances, so I know where all the money goes.

[00:08:52] [SPEAKER_00] And I also help his parents with accounting and tax stuff, so I can see that what he pays to them, they are actually receiving. Nothing funny going on when it comes to finances. I'm an accountant and worked as an auditor, so I know what to look out for. And then Opie responds to a larger comment saying, Sure. So while I need to be online for that time, I might not always have a full 40 hours of work to do. So the first two weeks of the month are very, very busy for me because of work deadlines. Clients want their month-end accounts.

[00:09:21] [SPEAKER_00] The last two weeks of the month tend to be a bit quieter. I will usually only have a full 8-hour days during those first two busy weeks. The other weeks will be 5 or 6 hours a day, depending on if they have ad hoc work for me to do. He works his ass off, at least 12 hours a day, and I can vouch for that since he mostly works from home too. I guess that also makes me feel pretty guilty. And thank you. So at some point later, Opie came in with an update and said, So this blew up way more than I thought it would.

[00:09:50] [SPEAKER_00] I can't physically respond to every comment or message I receive, so I apologize for that. It's just been a hectic couple of days, but thank you for commenting and messaging. It's nice to know I'm not being unreasonable here. Won't be a long update, but basically husband saw the Reddit post and got pissed off at me about it. He left and he's probably at his friend's place because his mum would have contacted me by now if he was there. Her and I are very close. Haven't heard from him in days, but I do see him posting on Instagram from time to time.

[00:10:18] [SPEAKER_00] The time spent alone made me realize I really don't need to stick around for any of this. I'm actually really enjoying my time alone, so I'm filing for a divorce. This marriage doesn't make me happy. It only stresses me out. Luckily, we don't have kids. Never planned on having any either, but I'm close to his family, which really sucks. Maybe that's why I put up with so much for so long, because I don't actually have any living family left, which is a bit scary.

[00:10:44] [SPEAKER_00] I've already let the letting agent know we'll be cancelling our lease early as at the end of April. I need to give at least one month's notice. I'm going to look for a smaller place for myself because I can afford to support myself with the money I make if I downsize, so that shouldn't be an issue. I'm nervous about no longer having a family, but not as upset about the divorce as I thought I would be. So yeah, not a very exciting update, but it is what it is. One of the comments on this one said,

[00:11:10] [SPEAKER_00] Leaving to punish your spouse and then they realize they want you gone forever. LOL Another one said similar, My favorite part is that he thought he'd punish her by leaving and stonewalling, and instead she's loving it and realizing how terrible a partner he is. I can't wait to hear his represented to seeing the update slash getting served divorce papers. And absolutely, it's just an update where she's choosing herself. And again, it's probably one of those stories there where if she was to look back in her past,

[00:11:39] [SPEAKER_00] as well as this behavior that we've seen, there'll probably be other things that's going on at the same time. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And let's move on to another story. Now, our next story comes from BasilPuzzleHeaded112 from the AmIOverreacting subreddit. And it says, AmIOverreacting for kicking my best friend out after she said my husband is going to relapse?

[00:12:05] [SPEAKER_00] Throw away because I'm pretty sure my best friend knows my main Reddit account. For context, my husband, 42 male, and I, 40 female, have been married for 10 years. We met when we were 15 and 17, and neither of us had an easy upbringing. We both came from pretty rough, traumatic backgrounds, and we coped in unhealthy ways, mainly through alcohol. By the time we were together as teenagers, we were already deep into addiction.

[00:12:32] [SPEAKER_00] We dated for about four years, and honestly, the relationship was extremely toxic. I won't go into detail, but I think you can imagine what it looks like when two teenagers with unresolved trauma and substance abuse issues tried to build a relationship. My best friend has known me literally my whole life, so she saw all of this firsthand. Eventually, my husband and I separated. Over the years, we both got sober independently. We went through rehab, therapy, and AA.

[00:13:00] [SPEAKER_00] We stayed apart for a long time while focusing on recovery. We only reconnected years later, when we were both in a much healthier place, and we didn't get married until we were well into stable recovery. Now, my best friend lives in another country for work, so we're long distance. We still talk all the time, messaging almost daily. I see her once or twice a year when one of us visits. She couldn't come to our wedding back then because of financial reasons, which I completely understood.

[00:13:27] [SPEAKER_00] At the time, my husband and I weren't doing great financially either. Importantly, she has never expressed any concerns about my husband before, not once. Two days ago, she was in town and came over to my place. My husband wasn't home because he was at an AA meeting. Yes, we both still attend regularly, even after years of sobriety. It's something we take seriously, and it helps us stay grounded. At first, everything was great. We were cooking together, laughing, catching up.

[00:13:55] [SPEAKER_00] Then she asked where my husband was, and I told her he was at AA. She rolled her eyes and said, He still goes. That immediately threw me off. I kind of laughed awkwardly and said, Uh, yeah, of course. She started going on about how people like that don't really change, and how alcoholics always relapse eventually. She kept saying she was worried about me, that I was putting myself back in a dangerous situation, and that she had seen this before. What really got to me was that she kept talking about my husband

[00:14:24] [SPEAKER_00] like he was still the same person he was as a teenager. She completely dismissed the years of work he's put into recovery, and mine too, honestly. At one point, she even started crying, saying, I wasn't listening to her, and he's going to relapse and kill me. He's never been physically violent, not even when we were both deep in our addiction. I understand that she probably thinks she's protecting me, but it felt incredibly unfair and honestly pretty insulting, not just to him, but to me as well. After about 20 to 25 minutes of this,

[00:14:53] [SPEAKER_00] I was overwhelmed and honestly triggered. I told her as calmly as I could that I needed her to leave. She looked shocked, but didn't argue. She just grabbed her things and left, and we haven't spoken since. Now I'm sitting here wondering if I overreacted. Part of me feels like I could have handled it better or tried to de-escalate instead of asking her to leave, but another part of me feels like what she said crossed the line. A commenter says to OP, you definitely didn't overreact. Her comments were out of line and pretty disrespectful to both you and your husband.

[00:15:23] [SPEAKER_00] You both worked hard to get where you are, and she should respect that instead of projecting her fears onto you. It's okay to set boundaries when someone triggers you like that. OP says thank you. I definitely need to get more comfortable setting boundaries. It's my first time getting triggered that bad and asking someone to leave. I felt like I might have been overreacting because to be fair, she did see how self-destructive and toxic with each other we were at that time, and it probably wasn't easy for her, but we've both been sober for years. Another commenter says,

[00:15:52] [SPEAKER_00] not sure if you did, but leaning towards not overreacting. You said she kept going after your husband. In fact, you went through the same thing. Did you attempt to correct her? Did you tell her what she was saying about him she may as well be saying about you? Did you tell her you still attend AA? If not, then you're overreacting as you should have. From what you wrote, it sounds like you just listened to her and asked her to leave without trying to correct her. OP responds saying, I tried to correct her at first

[00:16:21] [SPEAKER_00] when she was just saying that people can't change. I was a bit confused that it came out of nowhere. She has genuinely never expressed any of this in 10 years, but I tried to tell her that we both haven't ever relapsed or in a much better place. However, when she cried and implied it would hurt me physically, which she has never done, even when we were at the peak of our toxicity, it was just too much to handle, and that's when I told her to leave. She does know I still attend AA and go to therapy, as I've talked to her about it before. She's actually very supportive of me

[00:16:50] [SPEAKER_00] still going to AA, surprisingly. I'm sorry if it sounds like AI. I 100% wrote it myself, but use Google Translate for some parts. My first language is French. Commodore says, I'm an addict and an alcoholic myself. Nine years clean and sober. You're not overreacting at all. I'm so sorry about your friend. It sounds like she may need help herself. The only way I'd continue talking to her is if she apologized without being asked to. OP says, thank you so much. She hasn't messaged me since, and I haven't either, but hopefully we can have a conversation soon,

[00:17:19] [SPEAKER_00] as it really came out of nowhere. Congratulations on your sobriety. A commenter says, not overreacting. At best it sounds like she doesn't understand addiction, or AA specifically, as I'm sure you know people with decades of sobriety still attend. I'm also confused why she'd first act like it's ridiculous, that he still goes, then completely flips to he's a violent killer. I'm wondering how supportive of the relationship she's truly been, missing the wedding. OP responds, and it's true that a lot of people don't really understand AA,

[00:17:49] [SPEAKER_00] and think it's about people in active addiction, slash who are relapsing, while people who have been sober for 20 or 30 years who still go to meetings. I was very shocked by her saying that he'd kill me, and may be violent physically towards me. He's never, and would never put his hands on me, even if he relapses one day. She's been pretty supportive, in my opinion, sends us wedding gifts when she couldn't attend, and regularly asks about how we're doing, which is why this was so shocking. She talks very well with my husband when he's around, and has never expressed any concerns to me.

[00:18:19] [SPEAKER_00] And one more commenter says, how long has your husband been ever sober? OP says he's been sober for a bit over 11 years. Matt, I could understand, you know, a friend, a family member, or something, being concerned, but 11 years, isn't barely holding it together, or anything like that. That's, you know, proper long-term recovery. That's someone who's rebuilt their life, stayed consistent, and kept at it for over a decade, and super cross the line, when it jumped from, I'm worried he might relapse, to he's going to kill you,

[00:18:48] [SPEAKER_00] is a huge bloody leap. And it's the kind of statement, that just erases everything, that they've worked towards, to recover. And I can't blame OP in this situation, because if someone said that about my partner, after 11 years of sobriety, working hard to get there, you'd want to shut that conversation down immediately. But OP came in with their update, and said firstly, thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. I didn't expect it to get that much attention, but I read through as many comments as I could,

[00:19:18] [SPEAKER_00] and it genuinely helped me organize my thoughts. It's only been two days, but a lot has happened in that time. A few people suggested I talk to myself, sponsor before doing anything drastic, which I did the same day I made the post. He knows both me and my husband pretty well, and it's in most of our entire recovery journey. So I trust his perspective. He suggested I try to have a calm conversation with her, and focus on explaining how her words affected me, using I feel slash I felt statements, which I'm admittedly not great at.

[00:19:47] [SPEAKER_00] So I decided to FaceTime her this morning. It didn't go the way I hoped. She picked up, and the first thing she said was, so have you finally calmed down and moved on from all that? I still tried to stay calm, and told her that I wasn't calling to argue, but to explain why what she had said hurt me so much. I told her that the things she said about my husband didn't just affect him, it affected me too, because I'm also a recovering alcoholic who still goes to AA. It felt like she was dismissing both of our recoveries.

[00:20:15] [SPEAKER_00] She started crying again pretty quickly. Some comments on my last post mentioned the possibility of projection, so I tried to ask her if something had happened. If maybe she had met someone who struggled with alcohol and was violent, or if she was dealing with something she hadn't told me about. She got defensive and said no, and then told me that she would never do what I did, and be with a man like that. We ended up talking for over an hour, and it mostly went in circles. At one point she said, only trust alcoholic she knows, meaning me,

[00:20:44] [SPEAKER_00] because she knows I won't relapse. I pointed out that's not really how recovery works. There's never a 0% chance for anyone, including me. If anything, that's why we still go to meetings and take it seriously, even after all these years. She also admitted that she's never liked my husband. That part hurt a lot. Over the years, they've had plenty of conversations, joked around, and seemed perfectly fine with each other. She never once expressed any issue before, so hearing that now,

[00:21:13] [SPEAKER_00] are honestly a bit like a betrayal. She kept insisting that she knows how this ends, and said she is completely convinced he's going to relapse and kill me, because she's seen what he's capable of. For clarity, my husband has never been violent, not once, even at our worst, when we were both deep in addiction. He's never raised his voice at me, let alone hurt me. It was mostly just a lot of sadness and crying at that point in our life. I've rarely tried to meet her halfway, because she's been my best friend for over 20 years,

[00:21:43] [SPEAKER_00] but every time I tried, she doubled down. I told her I loved her, and that I genuinely hope she's okay, but that I can't have someone in my life who sees me and my husband that way, and refuses to acknowledge any growth. Then I told her I wished her the best, and hung up. So yeah, that's where things stand with this whole thing. It really hurts, but I think some of you were right. Sometimes people get stuck seeing a version of you that doesn't exist anymore, and no matter what I say, she won't change her views. I guess I just didn't expect that from her.

[00:22:11] [SPEAKER_00] Thank you again to everyone who took the time to comment. It meant more, and I can really explain. A commenter says to OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Her behavior is really bizarre and nonsensical to me. Saying she only trusts addicts she knows doesn't even make sense, because she knows both of you, and if she felt this strongly, she should have spoken up years ago. You handled the situation so well, and gave her every opportunity to hear you. I hope she comes around, but either way, good for you for protecting your and your spouse's well-being. OP says,

[00:22:40] [SPEAKER_00] I'll never really understand why she chose to bring this up 10 years into my marriage if she's always felt this way. Thankfully, my husband is here for me through this. Losing friends is hard, but I'm convinced I made the right decision, and I see how sweet he is with me. OP adds a comment in response to a long comment, saying thank you for taking your time to write this. For your first point, I still speak to most people who were in my life when me and my now husband were actively drinking, and none of them ever had anything bad to say about him.

[00:23:08] [SPEAKER_00] My husband wasn't a very great person when he was actively drinking, but he has never done anything physically, or verbally for that matter, violent to anyone. He struggles quite a bit with being able to be firm with people, even those who cross his boundaries. He's a big softie at heart. He still speaks to 99% of the people who knew him during that time, and most of them also only have good things to say about him and his recovery, so I don't think anyone could have told her otherwise. I'm 99% sure she didn't mean that he dragged me back down into alcoholism,

[00:23:38] [SPEAKER_00] if he ever relapsed, as she made other comments about him possibly hitting me while being drunk. There is a possibility that she may have been triggered by us possibly having a big change in our life. We talked about having children for a bit, and I shared that with her. We did end up deciding it wasn't the best idea for us, as we're very focused on our career, and don't want to bring a child into a life where we can't give them 100% of what they deserve. But that was almost a year ago, so I'm not sure why that would resurface now. As for your last point, my alcoholism definitely affected her

[00:24:07] [SPEAKER_00] as well as during our younger years. I won't make the claim that she was traumatized by it, as she never used that word for herself, so I don't want to put a label on it that wouldn't be appropriate to her experience. I was pretty much a sad alcoholic. All I would do is binge drink in my room alone and cry. Sometimes while in those binging spirals, I would text and call her a lot for mental support. I will forever feel awful for this, as we were all kids, and she shouldn't have had to deal with this. She has gone to therapy about this, and other things.

[00:24:37] [SPEAKER_00] This was just the first reason for going for years. I recommended it to her when I started my sobriety journey 10 plus years ago, and realized the impact my actions had on other people. I hope this wasn't due to her bottling those feelings up, and then resurfacing years later, because I've always thought myself to be very open about those things. If she would have come to me about her fears and hidden resentments without blowing up on me, I would have loved nothing more than to reassure her. So, what of my husband? Anyway, point is, I don't think I'll ever truly know what our reasoning was for this happening,

[00:25:06] [SPEAKER_00] except if she ever comes back, which knowing her, I doubt. Thank you again for your kind comment. It was wild, the fact that she kept doubling down, like repeatedly. Instead of coming up with concern, saying to OP, hey, I'm worried of your past, because can we talk about it? Instead of coming in with, I know how this ends, he's going to relapse and kill you. I mean, what the hell? And the other comment of, I only trust alcoholics I know, except your husband. And then it finally comes out later that she never liked him,

[00:25:36] [SPEAKER_00] which kind of explains everything. It wasn't about sudden concern, and it was something that she'd been holding onto for years and finally let it spill out. And let's face it, she was never coming back into this conversation willing to listen. She came in with, have you calmed down yet? Which told you everything you needed to know. She was already assuming she was in the right. I think in the end, saying someone's partner is going to kill them with zero evidence is one of those relationship enders, right? That's not something you can really backtrack from

[00:26:04] [SPEAKER_00] and not something that you can move past. So in the end, I wasn't that surprised by the ending and it's probably the best way forward. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And just a huge thank you for being here today, getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so, so much for being here. Truly, it's absolutely amazing. Thank you so much. And I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love.