I Gave My Boyfriend And Ultimatum Either Move In With Me Or Not Come Over Anymore | r/BestOF

[00:00:02] [SPEAKER_00] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider? And then like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. Let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from Meowcat123490 from the Am I the Arsehole Here subreddit. And it says Am I the Arsehole Here for telling my boyfriend not to come over anymore if he doesn't move in with me.

[00:00:33] [SPEAKER_00] Throw away account because I don't want my boyfriend finding this. Me, 19 year old female, and my boyfriend, 19 year old male, have been together for almost two years. One year, 10 months. For context, I moved into my one bedroom apartment about six months ago. I live alone, I pay all my bills alone, and buy my own groceries. My boyfriend comes over every single day. And I'm not just saying that, he's literally there every day.

[00:00:59] [SPEAKER_00] I get home from work and by the time I'm out of the shower, he's at the apartment. I didn't really mind it at first because I was excited he was seeing me every day. Because before that, he told me he didn't want to spend a lot of time with me, that it was overwhelming to him. So I was excited and happy he wanted to be with me. My love language is quality time. Well, fast forward, I've noticed an increase in my bills.

[00:01:22] [SPEAKER_00] Just last month, my utility bill increased by $70. Whether this was weather or him, I'm not totally sure. But he's been there even when I'm not there. He's taken showers, watched TV. I'm not a huge TV person, and he'll leave the lights on. Not to mention, he uses the restroom all the time. Sometimes three times, so there's that. And then I'm running out of my groceries faster than I'd like. I buy groceries just enough for me every two weeks. My pay schedule.

[00:01:49] [SPEAKER_00] I buy a pack of Cokes, 12, and that should last me the entire month as I don't drink a lot of soda. But what'd you know, I'm running out in two weeks. Why? Well, an example of him drinking all my sodas would be when we're watching TV. He ordered us a pizza, and while we're eating, he offered to grab me a drink. And I just told him to grab me a water, and he grabbed himself a soda. Which, I didn't mind, since like I said, I don't drink them often. He drinks the soda first. He gets up to grab a second. He comes back to the table and drinks a second.

[00:02:19] [SPEAKER_00] I was visibly annoyed, but didn't say anything. He then gets up again and walks to the fridge to grab a third. I quickly interrupted him and said, Nope, no, no, no, no. If you're very thirsty, you can have a water. You're not drinking all the sodas I just bought. To which he responds, What are you? My mum. And I respond, No, but I'm your girlfriend and you didn't buy those. I did.

[00:02:41] [SPEAKER_00] When I want a soda, I want to be able to drink one. And he came to sit down. He was mad. I know this because he does this thing where he clenches his jaw, and he didn't speak to me for a while. After this, I had the realization that he really is just living here without sleeping here. He's eating and drinking all of my food and using my utilities. So I thought carefully of what I wanted to say, and I got the right wording together. When he came over the next day, I brought up the conversation of, Why didn't you move in with me? And he just said, No, I don't want to.

[00:03:10] [SPEAKER_00] And I was like, What? Why? You basically live here without sleeping here. You are here every day and using all of my things. I know I shouldn't have snapped like that, but that just completely threw me off. His reasoning started with, I want to finish school, which I would completely understand if he was in school. He's not. He missed the deadline to sign up for classes, so he's not enrolled right now, which I reminded him of. His next reason was, I don't want to live in an apartment. I want to live in a house.

[00:03:38] [SPEAKER_00] So then I said, We are 19. We aren't established and don't have the money put back for a house. You have to be realistic. We can eventually get a house, but an apartment is a part of that step. And then he responded with, I just don't want to move out. I like having no responsibilities. This finally was the real answer. I told him since he didn't want to move out and help me, then he can't come over every day and will have to hang out at his house more often. It's been a week since this conversation and he's still coming over every day and I don't know what to do.

[00:04:08] [SPEAKER_00] I love his company, but I can't afford it. I still can't really wrap my head around his answer and I'm trying to respect it, but part of me wonders if it was someone else, would he want to live with them? Would he support them? Or does he just not see a future with me? I'm not sure what to do. Any advice is appreciated. Edit. Everyone is asking about the key. When I made a copy of my key, he was with me and suggested he should have one for emergencies, so I made him a copy too. He also has no responsibilities. His mum pays for his car and gas and clothes.

[00:04:38] [SPEAKER_00] I'm taking everyone's comments into consideration and it's opening my eyes a lot. I'm going to try and have the conversation again tonight and I'll update when we talk. Absolutely red flags all over the place. And I know they're both 19 years old, they're both young, etc. But OP's paying her own bills, buying her own groceries, actually building something where he just seems to want to benefit from all of that without contributing to it at all.

[00:05:02] [SPEAKER_00] He likes having no responsibilities, likes being out of his parents' house and living the life while OP's paying for it all. And I kind of wonder what else he's actually offering because she says she loves his company but everything else, it just sounds awful. Either Brooke says to OP, does he have a key? If so, change the lock. If he comes over without prior arrangement, don't answer the door. He doesn't want to move in because he's getting all the benefits for free.

[00:05:29] [SPEAKER_00] He'd rather watch your TV, shower and eat your food, etc. than do that at home. A word of warning, before a couple move in together, they should both have lived away from their parents. It's way too easy for people to default to their partner becoming a parent surrogate and expecting to be catered to and cleaned around. Your boyfriend has already taken your and your apartment for granted. You think he will go 50-50 on housework, cooking, etc. with you? OP says yes, he has a key.

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_00] I made a copy for me and he came with me and suggested he should have one too, just in case I get locked out or have an emergency. So I stupidly let him have a copy. I don't know how to just take it back. He's accused me of crazy things before and I don't want him to go crazy on me again. Ooh dear. Oh bloody dear. Like one time I said I didn't want him to come over, that I was with a friend. And he got all weird and said I was cheating on him. I have a camera at my door only and I showed him the footage of my girlfriend walking inside.

[00:06:24] [SPEAKER_00] With all these comments is opening my eyes that maybe I should leave him. I just don't know how. Booty Bob replies, genuine question. Did you pick this guy solely from his look? As you describe him he sounds like he has almost no redeeming traits you would want in a partner. Booty says no. I was actually at one of my lowest points of my life. My parents got back on drugs and moved in with my older sister for the time being. I was 17. I was very sad and he messaged me and we talked from there.

[00:06:51] [SPEAKER_00] He offered me a lot of support and started hanging out and talking every day. One day, probably 10 months in, he decided that hanging out was too overwhelming so I chilled out on that. And now he's hanging out every day. I hope that puts more context to it. I do love him. It is so hard to let that go but honestly I think it's for the best. I'm waiting on a good time to talk with him today about this and possibly end things. I think it's ran its course and we're in two different spots right now. Perspective Kuki says, you are very young.

[00:07:20] [SPEAKER_00] Living on your own for the first time. Being responsible for yourself. All very positive. Please learn to make boundaries for yourself and stick to them. You made a good start by talking to him but he's just blown right by it. Do not let him move in with you. Then you'll be doing everything for both of you. Working, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. He won't be pulling his weight. He's not ready. Take back your key. Tell him he is welcome to come over when you invite him. Info. When was the last time he took you on a date?

[00:07:49] [SPEAKER_00] I hope he says, yeah his mom cooks for him and does his laundry. He will complain when she puts a certain shirt in the dryer. I ask him why he doesn't just do his laundry. And he responds, she's always done it. Which has me thinking, I'll be next. She even pays for his gas and car insurance. And as far as the date question goes, we go out to eat once in a while. A commenter, who was downvoted by the way, said to OP, one, you must have given him a key. Two, he didn't offer to buy more soda. Even after buying the pizza.

[00:08:17] [SPEAKER_00] Or are you just leaving that part out? Three, before all this, you made no efforts to want to hang out at his place. Four, do you two not even go grocery shopping together so that this doesn't happen in the first place? Or are you two only hang out at home couples? Five, did you tell him you were poor? It's okay to be, just be upfront and honest. Six, he clearly has responsibilities, right? Unless he lives with his parents. But even then, usually there are still responsibilities. You're the arsehole.

[00:08:46] [SPEAKER_00] You didn't address this well. And like you said, you snapped instead of talking it through. Then you just kept asking questions instead of voicing your mind. Why pry and try to understand him when you haven't said your piece in full for him to understand you? OP replied saying, one, yes, he has a key. When I made a copy of mine, he came with me and suggested he should have one too in case of emergency. Two, no, he didn't. He never offers to help. I actually had to pay for half of the pizza. Three, I do offer to hang out at his house and he says, I don't want to be there.

[00:09:16] [SPEAKER_00] I don't want to lay in bed. But comes over and does the same things at my place. Four, no, we don't go grocery shopping together. Even if he did, he wouldn't buy anything. Five, yes, I've told him many times I'm limited on money and struggling. He waved his money in my face, which honestly made me feel worse. Six, and no, no responsibility. Literally none. He will put gas in his car and then call his mom and let her know how much he put in. And she'll send the money back into his account. She also pays for the car.

[00:09:46] [SPEAKER_00] Lazy Days says, he told you he didn't want to see you every day because spending a lot of time with you was overwhelming for him and you still wanted to date him. Why are you shocked that he's treating you like he's at his mom's house, rent free with all the perks of home? Yikes. Opie replies saying, yeah. He said that and I just stopped asking him to hang out. And now that I have my own place, he's there every day, which is insane. I mentioned to him once in a conversation. I said, remember when you said hanging out with me was overwhelming? And he shrugged it off.

[00:10:15] [SPEAKER_00] I guess I have no self-respect. Elephant Eastern says, not the arsehole, your boyfriend sounds like a child. I promise, you don't want to move in with him. It sounds like he would leave his stuff everywhere and make you clean it up. And his mom pays for his gas. My husband and I have been married since he was 18 and he was not acting like this. There's better out there, Opie. Opie says, he does actually leave crap all over my apartment and we've argued about this before. Him leaving the soda cans on the counter and dirty paper towels out.

[00:10:45] [SPEAKER_00] I have a cat and I don't want him eating the paper towels. Bless him, but he's a silly kitty. And he was annoyed that I even brought it up. I told him he needs to pick up after himself because this isn't his parents' house. And one more commenter who says, this guy's a walking red flag. Get the hint. It's not you he's coming to see. It's the freedom from his parents and their rules. They probably don't let him hang around the house all day consuming everything in sight. They probably think he's looking for a job or going to school. You're being used.

[00:11:14] [SPEAKER_00] You don't mention intimacy and you're too young to see you're his willing doormat. You shouldn't allow anyone to treat you like that. Telling him not to come over every day should turn into don't come over at all. He's too expensive to have as a boyfriend or any kind of friend. He'll drain you and move on to some other naive girl who put up with a leech for company. Believe me, you can find better company or find a hobby that puts you in the company of others. Opie says, yeah, I didn't want to mention it but we have a lot of sex.

[00:11:42] [SPEAKER_00] And the past conversation we had is he needed to compliment me outside of sex. For a while he only complimented me during it and even now he's falling back into old habits. Opie updated the post and says, I'm not sure if I update here or what to do really. We talked. This also just happened so I'm mentally drained so I'm sorry if this update isn't the best. I took his key like many of you suggested. I told him until he learns to call me and ask if he can come over then he cannot have the key.

[00:12:11] [SPEAKER_00] I also added with that the key is only to be used for emergencies and I don't feel like he should have it. He then agreed to this and also went on to explain that it feels like we're in two different mindsets. Me having an apartment, steady income and responsibilities and him living at home, no bills etc. He then started to put the fault on me saying it was too expensive and I shouldn't have moved out but I didn't have a choice to move out. It was forced upon me. We argued back and forth about that for a while.

[00:12:39] [SPEAKER_00] He suggested I budget my money but I literally don't spend anything other than what I need. I have an interview for a second job tomorrow so I can start being able to afford the things I want. That's besides the point. It was dumb and felt like deflection on his end. We thought back and forth some more and then it eventually ended with me saying he's a child who isn't wanting to grow up right now and I don't want that around me forever. I don't know if we're broken up or what is really happening. I assume I'll know more about that tomorrow. Thank you everyone for your support and kind words.

[00:13:09] [SPEAKER_00] It really means a lot and has helped me see things I couldn't see before. I'm glad I reached out on here. One of the commenters on the back of this one says Oh boy, I think you know what's happening or what should happen. He accused you of cheating, gaslighted you, did everything but own up to leeching off of you. He doesn't care about you. He only cares about himself and he is clearly very selfish and immature. It's hard I know but cut your losses and don't look back. The grown up guy is out there who will respect you and love that you take care of yourself financially at your age.

[00:13:39] [SPEAKER_00] You have a level of maturity I didn't have at your age so don't waste it on a man child. Being there and they never grow out of it if someone is there letting them get away with it. Another commenter says,

[00:14:21] [SPEAKER_00] No hospital says, You've done very good for yourself. Now if he refuses to take the next step into adulthood, you can kick him to the curb. He wants a bang made with zero responsibility. He's still acting like a teenager. I know a 42 year old man who will never grow out of being a teenager. Good luck OP. I just spotted a comment as I was scrolling down after that. I just said, What an absolute bellend. And there were some people saying to OP, You know,

[00:14:48] [SPEAKER_00] You know what you need to do and we can all see what she needs to do in this situation. And some people calling this sunk cost fallacy. And I don't think that was quite what was happening here. I'm not saying I'm right, of course, Just a different opinion. Just looking back at her history and what she said that she fell from at 17 when her parents relapsed and basically her world was falling apart. He messaged her, He showed up and gave her exactly what she was needing in those moments. And the problem isn't that she can't see who he is now because she can see it clearly.

[00:15:17] [SPEAKER_00] She says it in the post, but you know, It's all tangled up with a person who was there for her when she needed someone the most. So I kind of see it like from her perspective that leaving him is leaving someone that was there during a really hard time in her life, which must be difficult for her. But I really hope that she does come to that conclusion that she still does 100% deserve a lot more than she's getting right now. But what do you guys make of this situation?

[00:15:45] [SPEAKER_00] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Let's move on to another story. Now, our next story is one that we have covered in the past, but it has a new update to it as well. So if you want to skip certain parts of the story, please feel free to do so. Timestamps are always down in the description along the timeline below. Thank you. It's from a throwaway account and says, I, female 28, found a child's shirt in the belongings of my fiance, male 33.

[00:16:16] [SPEAKER_00] I'm sorry if this is long and all over the place. I met my fiance when we dated his kids in middle school. We reconnected about two years ago after living separately and meshed so well that we decided to just take the jump. His family lives in Texas. We originally lived in Minnesota, with his mother not doing well, so we moved down here to be close. My fiance has a two-bedroom that he purchased when he first learned of his mother's condition. This was about a year ago.

[00:16:43] [SPEAKER_00] At first, after we realized we wanted things long term, he would fly back and forth every couple of weeks or so, until I asked him to just stay with me. He had no intention of moving back, and it was kind of a, you move here or we do long distance situation. He did not explicitly tell me that, but that is just what I gathered from our situation. After time of thinking I quit my job and just moved in to be with him. I have been here for officially 40 days, just a bit of backstory.

[00:17:11] [SPEAKER_00] When looking for something in the garage last week, I found a pair of baby-sized Nike shoes. I asked him who they belonged to, and he said he had no idea. I thought nothing of it at the time and just tossed them. Two days ago, when going through the hamper to do our laundry, I found a small pink bluey t-shirt, probably the size of a five or six-year-old. I immediately remembered the shoes and my mind started to race. I admit, I assumed the worst, that he's hiding a kid from me and blew up a bit, accused him of lying to me.

[00:17:41] [SPEAKER_00] I started to get emotional when things of that nature, and an argument ensued after I didn't believe him when he swore he had no idea where these things are from. He is an only child, so no nieces. The only family he really talks to here are his parents. He offered no explanation other than simply insisting he has no idea. I pretty much shut down after realizing we were getting nowhere, and I've spoken maybe ten words to him since then. He's not pushing me to either. Feels like I'm just here.

[00:18:11] [SPEAKER_00] Since yesterday, I'm just filled with despair and regret about moving here, and I'm not even sure if I should be. I guess I'm just curious about how I can go about this. The mere thought of apologizing for my blow-up and trying to rectify things when he is secretly lying to me about something like that just makes my stomach churn. I don't at all hope or even want to believe this is the case. He has never given me any reason to feel like this, but it just doesn't make any sense to me. A commenter said to OP,

[00:18:38] [SPEAKER_00] This is so weird. It requires a weird solution. You've got nothing to compare his reaction to. With respect to your findings, I think you should get a child's dress from a thrift store and bundle it into his washing, then announce it is a new find and ask him what's going on. If his reaction is any different to his previous reactions, you've got your comparison and can decide from there. Please note, I picked a girl item because I thought the other two items sounded like boy stuff. If he's equally nonchalant about it, then there's probably a sane reason somewhere.

[00:19:08] [SPEAKER_00] OP says, This is actually a good idea. I'd never think of that myself, thank you. I may just consider it at this point. A commenter said to OP, As someone else pointed out, there's no way you dated in middle school when he's five years older than you. He would have been 17 or 18 and either in his senior year of high school or he graduated already. If this is real, the whole thing with the baby shoes and shirt makes me think he's hiding a kid. OP was downvoted for this commenter and said, We were 12 and 16 when we met.

[00:19:38] [SPEAKER_00] I shouldn't have said dated, but when you're 12, what else do you call it? We were neighbors and liked each other. It was never nefarious. Didn't even care to give those comments a response, honestly. I'm dealing with enough then to read that I'm lying or my fiance preyed on me. The commenter says, Um, you don't call it anything other than friends. A 16-year-old with any romantic interest in a 12-year-old is highly disturbing, especially in this scenario. I'm really concerned that you don't see that.

[00:20:06] [SPEAKER_00] You have unexplained children's clothing in your house with a partner that has a history interest in children. I know it's hard to think of your partner that way, or yourself as a possible victim. But please think about yourself as a 16-year-old, and whether you could have been sexually attracted to a 12-year-old. OP again downvoted says, I'm only not thinking him of that way because I know the real dynamic of how our relationship was. Even if I'm not articulating it correctly online, in the heat of the moment. I appreciate your insight though. Thank you.

[00:21:34] [SPEAKER_00] Bloody hell. Five dates later, OP comes in with an update and says, Not sure if I'm formatting this right, but just wanted to update for those still messaging me and commenting. This is probably anticlimactic for most of you, and in hindsight, maybe obvious, but please refrain from the negativity or, I told you so's in the comments. Trust me, I've beaten myself up enough. Nothing can be said that I haven't thought to myself already. Someone here suggested, I suggest getting cameras to him and gauge his reaction.

[00:22:03] [SPEAKER_00] Thank you so much if reading, I lost you in the sea of comments. He was very against it and jumped to the conclusion that I was trying to catch him in something. A reaction that took me by surprise. After that, I said fuck it and went through his phone. Another popular suggestion. Something neither of us had done since knowing each other, so I'd watch him put in the code from the corner of my eye, and then went through it when he slept. Found a woman he's been calling and answering calls from, while he's working maybe every other day. After my hand stopped shaking,

[00:22:32] [SPEAKER_00] I called from my phone and asked who she is. She asked me who I am, and I tell her I'm his fiance. She tells me she's the mother of his kids, and that he's a father of two boys and a girl. Ten, seven, and five years old. They met in college and have been on and off since then, but they are currently just co-parenting. An obvious lie. She then tells me she was told about me, and he said I was pregnant, and pretty much moved here at random against his will. That was just a crazy one night stand while they were on a break, and he was just trying to co-parent.

[00:23:02] [SPEAKER_00] Basically playing this role of heroic father to a fake baby, trying to do right, when in reality, he's just a psychotic piece of shit. She seemed more relieved I wasn't pregnant than anything, but that is her issue. I told her about the shirt, and she said her kids spent the weekend. Another lie, because no one has even been here since I moved in. Didn't even seem to care he hid his own children from a woman he was going to marry. Anyway, he doesn't know, but I'm leaving. I'm using my little savings to get home instead of motel,

[00:23:32] [SPEAKER_00] until I get on my feet again. Thankfully, when I left, my boss said I was always welcome back. My flight is in two days. Also, probably shouldn't have, but I broke his phone too, and said I accidentally spilled water on it, because about an hour after I called the girl, she texted him, call me, and I panicked. I assume she plans to tell him that I know, even though I asked her not to. It hurts, and I've been evaluating everything thus far. Every conversation we've had, every little piece that hasn't added up.

[00:24:01] [SPEAKER_00] One thing I will say, although he never begged me to move or anything, we did have numerous conversations about the possibility, and a month before I moved here, he acted so excited, and even sent me a bunch of job listings in the area. I definitely did not stalk him at all, but he clearly wants his baby mama, if he's concocted this whole psycho fairy tale, to sell her, so I'm honestly and truly done. Just trying to remain calm and sane, until I'm up and out of his life for good. This whole term he hasn't even asked why, I'm not talking to him either.

[00:24:31] [SPEAKER_00] Thankfully, because I wouldn't know what to say. And I know he's a garbage parasite, but that just hurts me even more. It's like I really was just nothing this whole time. I rooted my whole life, literally for nothing more than a singular month of playing wife. Now to pick up the pieces and repair them all on my own, while his life stays unchanged, and he's happy with his family. So yeah, this is probably more of an event, but at least you guys can stop wondering. This all happened within the last 48 hours, so I'm still collecting myself emotionally.

[00:25:01] [SPEAKER_00] I do appreciate all the support and advice, and to any women currently feeling like something isn't adding up, please trust your gut the first time. Ignoring it will never work out in favor of the relationship. A commenter said to OP, Whoa OP, I'm so sorry. This is a lot. So they are not together as he lives separately. She says they're on a break, but he owns another property that he's living in currently. How far away does his kids live? She sounds like she's not entirely truthful as well.

[00:25:30] [SPEAKER_00] I wonder how long he thought he could go on hiding them from you now that you're living together. OP says thanks a lot. Yes, I get the feeling she's lying as well, but that is their prerogative. Any woman okay with her kid's dad living a double life to this extent is probably crazy too. They deserve each other. The commenter replies and says, But are they actually together anymore? They could really be broken up and she can't let go. But then it sounds like a super toxic relationship, and I doubt you want to be anywhere near that dumpster fire.

[00:25:58] [SPEAKER_00] And I guess it doesn't really matter as he lied to you about having three kids. OP says, Honestly, I did consider this a possibility, but I feel like it was just my mind trying to justify things so I stay. My thoughts and emotions have been all over the place, but I'm sure this situation would just get worse over time. The commenter says, She might be lying about everything. He's not innocent, however, as he knows precisely what's going on and is hiding it and lying. OP says, Yeah, All I really care about is him hiding three kids from me.

[00:26:27] [SPEAKER_00] I can see her lying about the co-parenting and stuff, but I wouldn't want to be with him regardless. Could never trust him again. Lucy Loves Apple says, I'd leave ASAP. Even if she's lying, he's lying more. Just leave a note and go back home. OP says, Yes, both are liars for sure. Unfortunately, I had to wait for the flight, most convenient for me. Two days from now, but no note will be left. Slowly gathering my items and will be gone before he's off work.

[00:26:55] [SPEAKER_00] But OP did come back in five months later and said to anyone still here, I'm sorry that I'd left you hanging the way I did. It's been a very difficult last few months and I did unfortunately end up staying in a situation I shouldn't have, but I'm happy to at least be able to say I'm finally back in my home state, safe and with my mother. It took my father's sudden passing to finally give me that push, knowing he always wanted to see me as myself again.

[00:27:22] [SPEAKER_00] All of your words of positivity stayed with me and I can't get back to all of you, but you mean more to me than I could ever express. Thank you. The top commenter simply said to OP, Glad to see you back home and safe. Thank you for the update. X is cut off for good this time, right? OP says definitely for good. Staying with my mother until I can comfortably move out. Number changed and Facebook deactivated. A chapter in my life I just want to forget. Bloody hell.

[00:27:52] [SPEAKER_00] I'm glad that OP is definitely out of that situation, but how did that guy swing it to get her to stay for that five months or more after he revealed that he had three secret children? Absolute wild stuff. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Now just a huge thank you for being here today, getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time.

[00:28:20] [SPEAKER_00] It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so, so much. And hopefully I'm going to see you in the next one. Take care and much love.