I Called Out My Co-Worker Who Called Me "Work Husband" She Said I Embarrassed Her r/Relationships

[00:00:03] Beim Quiz Wer weiß denn sowas erwartet dich der Gipfel des unglaublichen Wissens. Kennst du die richtige Antwort? Am Cape Grim auf Tasmanien.

[00:00:13] A Er klingt in den Sommermonaten ein anhaltender tiefer Brummton. B Wird seit Jahrzehnten die sauberste Luft der Welt gemessen?

[00:00:21] Oder C Befinden sich 80% der Apfelanbaufläche Australiens. Die richtige Antwort ist B Wird seit Jahrzehnten die sauberste Luft der Welt gemessen.

[00:00:30] Wer weiß denn sowas? Immer montags bis freitags um 18 Uhr im Ersten.

[00:01:14] I am 34 male, working in a small office and we have about 30 people working here.

[00:01:20] Mary 35 female is one of my co-workers. We've been working together for 6 years now. We have 6 people in our department and we have to frequently travel across the state as our work involves overseeing government projects. We always travel in a group of 2.

[00:01:36] Although my travel partner changes based on the project.

[00:01:40] Mary and I are generally put on similar projects and enjoy each other's company.

[00:01:44] My wife also likes Mary.

[00:01:47] Overall, we have a very healthy work relationship.

[00:01:50] On to the incident.

[00:01:52] Yesterday, we had a happy hour in our office and we were all drinking after work hours and chatting.

[00:01:58] There was a group of around 10 people that stayed back.

[00:02:01] Mary was blabbering about how we both had been traveling together so much in the last year.

[00:02:06] She was roasting me for my habits while traveling like always forgetting stuff in my hotel room.

[00:02:11] Being sweaty and stinky when I join her for breakfast in the mornings.

[00:02:15] Because I go to the hotel gym.

[00:02:17] Everyone was laughing and she was making it sound how unbearable I was to tag along.

[00:02:22] All in good fun.

[00:02:24] I also told some funny and sweet stories about her and agreed with her that I can be difficult to be with sometimes.

[00:02:30] Mary came to me and hugged me tightly and told me that she loves me.

[00:02:35] And I am her work husband.

[00:02:37] It was all innocent on the surface but she might have been a bit drunk and just didn't let go of her tight hug.

[00:02:44] Also, I hate that phrase as I do have a wife that I promise to be with forever.

[00:02:49] And not just in non-working hours.

[00:02:52] After a few seconds, I started becoming uncomfortable.

[00:02:55] And also saw a few people staring at us.

[00:02:57] So, to defuse the situation, I took her hands off my shoulder and told her.

[00:03:02] She was my work sister and that is why I love to annoy her so much.

[00:03:06] That seemed to have upset Mary.

[00:03:08] And she left and went back to her desk and was sobbing silently.

[00:03:11] I tried to apologize to her but she told me how embarrassing the whole situation was.

[00:03:17] She said that she just meant work husband in platonic way.

[00:03:20] But calling me her work sister made us sound like a creep in front of the whole office.

[00:03:25] She was also angry that I aggressively removed her hands from my shoulders while hugging.

[00:03:30] I tried to reason with her that I do not like the work husband phrase and also people gave dirty looks when she said it.

[00:03:37] So, I was just trying to make sure people do not take her words in the wrong way.

[00:03:41] We talked for a few minutes afterwards and Mary calmed down.

[00:03:45] She hugged me again and left.

[00:03:47] I feel really guilty afterwards because I can see Mary's point.

[00:03:51] I made her sound like a creep by implying that she meant something inappropriate when she called me her work husband.

[00:03:57] However, I was a bit uncomfortable in that situation and just did not want people to call us that or assume something wrong.

[00:04:05] Am I the arsehole for calling Mary my work sister?

[00:04:09] I am sitting in my office writing this and a bit worried if I embarrassed Mary in front of everyone.

[00:04:14] Now, this is a not the arsehole to me.

[00:04:17] You was just trying to calm the situation down in the best possible way.

[00:04:22] You can see people that around the office were side-eyeing when she was giving you that extended hug.

[00:04:27] So, you just tried removing her hands and then said work sister.

[00:04:31] I see nothing wrong with that.

[00:04:33] I've known people in an office that's called each other work wife and work husband before and I just...

[00:04:38] That kind of thing is just not for me, I'm afraid.

[00:04:41] And the way it went down, you know, her being tipsy or having a few drinks or whatever.

[00:04:47] The I love you followed by the long hug and the work husband.

[00:04:51] You know, it's going down the wrong path for me.

[00:04:54] And there was no consideration of your feelings in this matter as well.

[00:04:58] Yes, she was embarrassed.

[00:05:00] But, you know, she's the one that caused the situation.

[00:05:02] But she's the one that put her hands on you.

[00:05:04] She's the one that called you work husband, said I love you.

[00:05:07] What about the way that you was feeling in this?

[00:05:09] The way that it made you feel uncomfortable?

[00:05:11] The way that people were looking, etc.

[00:05:13] That was embarrassing for you in that moment.

[00:05:16] Hummus says, not the arsehole, though you were being far too generous.

[00:05:20] The reason why she jumped straight to thinking you were calling her a creep because she knows what she was doing was inappropriate.

[00:05:27] Work husband is considered widely inappropriate now.

[00:05:30] She knows this.

[00:05:31] You responded correctly.

[00:05:33] You owe your actual wife loyalty.

[00:05:35] Mary needs to back off and act more of a professional.

[00:05:40] Commenter replies that and says this.

[00:05:42] It sounds like Mary has built up your work relationship to be far too significant in her life and genuinely does have a crush on you.

[00:05:50] This is a danger zone, even though you are clearly not interested in betraying your wife.

[00:05:55] I would also speak to your line manager HR about what happened.

[00:05:58] So if there is office gossip or future bad behavior from Mary, either more unwelcome hugs and implications of a relationship or her being obstructive to your work after feeling rejected,

[00:06:09] then you already have the ball in your court.

[00:06:11] I would also probably tell your wife about what happened and how you reacted and that you have made a report about it.

[00:06:19] Banff says, not the arsehole, I think you were justified that whole time.

[00:06:23] Unfortunately, alcohol can make things awkward for everyone, but you were made uncomfortable by the extended hug.

[00:06:29] So you removing her arms from you was understandable.

[00:06:32] The problem is right now is that Mary is only considering her own feelings and not thinking at all how her own actions made you feel.

[00:06:38] She did think that such a public display of affection might make a married man uncomfortable.

[00:06:43] She's only thinking that you made her look like a creep.

[00:06:46] And let's be honest, she did kind of look like someone hitting on a married man after drinking too much.

[00:06:53] Logical Block says Mary was inappropriate in multiple ways.

[00:06:56] And you did your best to diffuse and correct the situation without making her look worse than she was making herself look.

[00:07:03] She took it upon herself to refer to you as her work husband in front of others without seeing how you felt about the phrase.

[00:07:11] So the only person who made her seem creepy is her.

[00:07:14] If she is embarrassed, that is not your fault.

[00:07:16] Nor is it your problem to fix.

[00:07:18] As far as her getting angry because you aggressively removed her hands or she was hugging you.

[00:07:23] It was extremely inappropriate for her to have even done in the first place.

[00:07:28] That's the kind of thing that can get someone a meeting in HR.

[00:07:31] None of this is on you, OP.

[00:07:33] None of it.

[00:07:34] Not the arsehole.

[00:07:36] Dizzy Ducky says, nope, not the arsehole.

[00:07:38] Not even a smidge.

[00:07:40] Yes, I love a smidge.

[00:07:42] Thank you.

[00:07:43] Thank you for being one of the good guys.

[00:07:46] Respecting your actual wife and shutting this nonsense down.

[00:07:49] She should be embarrassed by her behavior and maybe this will help her learn to keep her mitts off other people's spouses or even just co-workers in general.

[00:07:57] I would take a step back from her though and not get played into comforting her or managing her feelings again.

[00:08:03] She's a grown woman and none of that is appropriate in the workplace.

[00:08:08] So OP comes in with her first update and said,

[00:08:10] I posted this on about calling my co-worker Mary, my work sister, after she tried to call me her work husband in front of the entire office.

[00:08:18] A lot of you are asking for an update, but that sub does not allow me to post an update so I'm writing it here.

[00:08:24] Thanks everyone for your comments and giving me confidence that I did not do anything wrong or inappropriate.

[00:08:30] As I was sitting in the office the next day, I knew things would be a bit awkward between Mary and me.

[00:08:35] Mary ignored me the whole morning.

[00:08:38] Initially, I was planning to go and apologize to her, but after the post, I decided that I do not need to do that as I should be the one who was offended.

[00:08:47] Everyone in the office could see that we were acting weird and I heard some people gossiping about us.

[00:08:52] One of the ladies also came to me and asked me if I want to talk about Mary and me.

[00:08:57] Around 3pm in the afternoon, I was sitting in my office working.

[00:09:02] Mary came into my office and closed the door behind her.

[00:09:05] She was angry at me and started saying that I need to stop being an arsehole and stop ignoring her.

[00:09:10] I told her to sit and to talk about what is going on.

[00:09:14] She told me that she feels humiliated and everyone has been staring at her the whole morning because of what I did.

[00:09:20] I also stood my ground and told her that I was okay with her making fun of me,

[00:09:24] but calling me her work husband and hugging me in front of everyone for a long time made the situation awkward.

[00:09:30] She told me to get over myself and that I should know exactly what she meant.

[00:09:35] Mary said that I made a big deal of what was supposed to be a joke and made it awkward for everyone.

[00:09:40] She said calling someone work husband is a normal thing and just means that she knows me intimately like a spouse would.

[00:09:47] She said that because we spend so much time traveling together, she knows all the intimate details of how I behave outside work.

[00:09:54] I stopped her and told her that I felt offended by the term work husband because I have a wife

[00:09:59] and I do not want people to use that term to describe our relationship.

[00:10:03] I told her that she would not understand that she is single, but as a married man,

[00:10:08] I really do not want anyone to describe me as a husband in any capacity.

[00:10:12] She said that I am again misinterpreting what she was saying.

[00:10:16] She felt that we have known each other more time than I have been married.

[00:10:19] She knows me more intimately than even my wife.

[00:10:22] I have no idea why she feels that way and I also behave like her husband when we travel together.

[00:10:28] She went on about how we go out to dinners together after work,

[00:10:31] how I always insist on having breakfast together in the morning to plan our actions of the day

[00:10:36] and I walk around in my underwear, referring to my gym shorts around her in the mornings.

[00:10:41] She also talked about how we spend hours talking to each other during road trips and

[00:10:46] how I'm the only man she can trust with any secret in her life.

[00:10:50] She said that I'm the definition of work husband and I'm just in denial.

[00:10:55] I was a bit angry at this point.

[00:10:57] I told her that I do all of that because I consider her my friend

[00:11:00] and she's delusional if she feels she knows me more intimately than my wife.

[00:11:04] I told her I do not want to hear that term again and it is extremely disrespectful to my marriage.

[00:11:10] Only one woman gets to call me her husband and that is my wife.

[00:11:14] Moreover, if my actions are giving us such ideas, maybe we need to stop being friends.

[00:11:20] She became apologetic afterwards and told me that she did not mean to disrespect my wife

[00:11:24] and it was not her intention.

[00:11:26] She apologized to me and told me to just let it go.

[00:11:29] She said that she loves traveling with me and she does not want anything to change between us.

[00:11:34] She again said that I'm misinterpreting her statement and just wants to move on.

[00:11:38] She came to hug me again but I told her it was okay and stepped back.

[00:11:43] I also talked to my wife about the incident that night.

[00:11:46] As expected, my wife was angry at Mary and told me that she hates the term work husband.

[00:11:52] She asked me if Mary has ever flirted with me during our trips or has a crush on me.

[00:11:56] I truthfully told her that I really have not felt that way and

[00:11:59] she may have just said that because she was a bit drunk and is now being stubborn about it.

[00:12:04] My wife said that she feels a bit uncomfortable about Mary now and says that it's strike one for

[00:12:09] Mary and I need to try and put more distance between us while traveling.

[00:12:13] If she ever repeats the same behavior again, I should report her to HR.

[00:12:17] I promised my wife that I would try to reduce my interactions with Mary outside work hours

[00:12:22] and be more guarded around her.

[00:12:27] Darauf hast du das ganze Jahr gewartet.

[00:12:30] Weihnachten?

[00:12:31] Silvester?

[00:12:32] Nein.

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[00:13:00] Update.

[00:13:01] Thanks everyone for the comments and explaining the urgency of the situation.

[00:13:04] I discussed it with my wife and have set up meetings with my manager in HR today.

[00:13:09] I plan to not file a complaint but document what happened last week and why it made me uncomfortable.

[00:13:15] I do not have any upcoming travels this week due to holidays but have to travel next Tuesday

[00:13:19] with her to a work site.

[00:13:21] I will discuss with my manager on what my options are.

[00:13:24] However, I feel a little distance between Mary and me for some time would be the right

[00:13:28] solution for now.

[00:13:30] Oh dear, we have another update in a second but it's given me some creepy vibes the way

[00:13:36] she's talking about Opie in this moment.

[00:13:38] Marv, the top comment on that update said,

[00:13:40] Mary's description of your relationship sounds really clingy and dependent.

[00:13:44] She's created a narrative in her head about your connection.

[00:13:47] The only man she can trust with any secret in her life.

[00:13:51] That's not a work husband, whatever that means.

[00:13:54] Better keep your interactions registered and public.

[00:13:57] This can bite you in the butt very fast.

[00:13:59] And that was kind of my thinking in the situation is that, you know, like Opie said they're going

[00:14:05] to do is first get some distance from this and have this all documented anyway.

[00:14:11] So there is no other narrative that can be spanned.

[00:14:13] I mean, I know the whole work office saw the interaction but she could twist it in some

[00:14:18] other way about what goes on behind the scenes when they're staying in hotels, etc.

[00:14:23] And her saying that, let's just move past this, let's just let it go and go back to how things were.

[00:14:29] They're not going to go back to how they were.

[00:14:33] But for me, the red flags are waving.

[00:14:36] Two months later, Opie comes in with another update and says,

[00:14:40] I wrote a while ago regarding my co-worker friend, Mary, being upset with me for calling her my work

[00:14:46] sister when she called me a work husband in front of everyone.

[00:14:49] I'm sorry to leave everyone hanging but the next few weeks were busy and the issue was eventually resolved.

[00:14:55] Thanks to everyone for the comments.

[00:14:57] They really helped me when I talked to my manager about the situation.

[00:15:00] However, the last week has been crazy.

[00:15:03] So I wanted to get some opinions on what I should do next.

[00:15:06] After my last posts, my wife and I were no longer comfortable with Mary's behavior.

[00:15:11] Although a part of me thought I was overreacting and that was just part of Mary's personality.

[00:15:16] I felt the need to protect myself.

[00:15:19] I requested a meeting with my manager in HR to document my side of the story.

[00:15:23] I wrote down everything and told them about the incident at the party,

[00:15:26] as well as Mary coming into my office and the comments she made.

[00:15:30] I made it clear that while I did not want them to take any action against her,

[00:15:34] I wanted to emphasize that her behavior made me uncomfortable,

[00:15:37] especially her comments about knowing me better than my wife and remarks about my shorts.

[00:15:42] My manager had already heard about the incident at the happy hour,

[00:15:45] as everyone in the office was talking about it.

[00:15:47] He told me he would try to shake up the travel schedule to minimize our travel together.

[00:15:52] The issue was that only four people in our company generally work on off-site audits,

[00:15:57] and the other two co-workers did not want to split up because they claimed they work well together.

[00:16:02] As a result, I continued traveling with Mary for the next couple of weeks.

[00:16:06] But it was awkward, and I kept my distance.

[00:16:09] My manager then called Mary and me into his office and informed us that he was planning to train a new auditor,

[00:16:15] Carolina, 26 female,

[00:16:18] and set up a schedule where she would travel with me for one week,

[00:16:21] and then with Mary the following week.

[00:16:24] We were asked to train her.

[00:16:25] I like this arrangement because it meant I no longer had to travel with Mary.

[00:16:29] Carolina turned out to be a great travel buddy,

[00:16:32] and I made sure not to get too comfortable with her.

[00:16:34] I always dressed professionally when we went for breakfast,

[00:16:37] avoided late-night drinks,

[00:16:38] and maintained healthy boundaries.

[00:16:40] Things were great until last week.

[00:16:43] Last Tuesday, I could feel everyone staring at me when I entered the office,

[00:16:47] and I was immediately called to a meeting with my manager in HR.

[00:16:50] HR asked if I had anything to report regarding Carolina

[00:16:53] and if she made any advances towards me during our work trips.

[00:16:56] I told them no,

[00:16:58] that Carolina had been very professional the entire time.

[00:17:01] I asked why I was being interrogated,

[00:17:03] and they told me that they couldn't disclose any further details,

[00:17:06] but that Carolina was being investigated by HR for inappropriate conduct.

[00:17:11] I left the meeting,

[00:17:12] and Mary came to my office,

[00:17:14] asking what had happened.

[00:17:15] She mentioned that she was also told Carolina would no longer be traveling with us,

[00:17:19] and that we were asked to travel together again.

[00:17:22] I told her I had no idea what was going on.

[00:17:25] I messaged Carolina to see if she was okay and if she needed to talk.

[00:17:29] She asked if she could come to my office, and I agreed.

[00:17:32] Carolina explained that someone anonymously sent messages to her boyfriend,

[00:17:36] posing as someone from the office over the weekend.

[00:17:39] The message included screenshots of Carolina sending some inappropriate pictures

[00:17:43] she had taken in her hotel rooms during our travels,

[00:17:46] and flirtatious messages.

[00:17:47] This person claimed to her boyfriend that Carolina was trying to cheat with him at work,

[00:17:52] and he was just trying to warn them.

[00:17:54] Her boyfriend went crazy after seeing the pictures,

[00:17:57] ghosted her,

[00:17:57] and then sent the messages to HR as revenge.

[00:18:00] Carolina was in tears,

[00:18:02] telling me that she had only taken those pictures for her boyfriend,

[00:18:05] and had no idea how they got leaked,

[00:18:07] or how those messages even existed.

[00:18:10] Her boyfriend was furious,

[00:18:11] because he also received the exact pictures from Carolina,

[00:18:14] and knew they weren't fake.

[00:18:16] I can sob Carolina,

[00:18:17] but she's in deep trouble,

[00:18:19] as our workplace takes such things very seriously,

[00:18:22] because we work on government contracts,

[00:18:24] and I'm sure everyone suspects I'm the anonymous messenger.

[00:18:28] I was told that the matter would be investigated,

[00:18:30] and Mary and I would be working together on the project again.

[00:18:34] My manager said there was nothing he can do,

[00:18:36] and also mentioned they might go through my emails and messages on my company phone,

[00:18:40] as part of the investigation into Carolina.

[00:18:43] Mary seems very happy about the whole situation,

[00:18:45] and keeps talking about how excited she is to revisit the restaurants and bars we used to frequent,

[00:18:50] during off-site trips.

[00:18:52] She also keeps referring to Carolina as,

[00:18:55] that pervert.

[00:18:56] The whole thing is just crazy.

[00:18:58] My wife of course believes that I would never do anything inappropriate with Carolina,

[00:19:02] and that I wasn't the anonymous messenger.

[00:19:04] However, her conspiracy theory is that Mary,

[00:19:07] who was also traveling with Carolina,

[00:19:09] may have unlocked her phone and accessed the photos.

[00:19:11] It feels far-fetched,

[00:19:13] but the fact is,

[00:19:14] I'm not thrilled about traveling with Mary again.

[00:19:16] I don't think I have any other recourse to get off this project,

[00:19:19] except leaving the job,

[00:19:21] which isn't possible at this time.

[00:19:23] I know many of you work in HR,

[00:19:25] and I would appreciate any advice on what I can do next.

[00:19:30] Gee, bloody whiz,

[00:19:33] this is going down a dark path,

[00:19:34] isn't it?

[00:19:35] Holy moly.

[00:19:36] Now, I'm not saying OP should do this,

[00:19:38] but OP said that they can't leave the job,

[00:19:40] it's just not possible at this time,

[00:19:42] and they're going to have to be working with Mary.

[00:19:44] So, in some ways,

[00:19:45] and again, I'm not saying OP should do this,

[00:19:46] it's just in my mind right now,

[00:19:48] that you should make a plan with,

[00:19:49] you know,

[00:19:50] your wife and her on board,

[00:19:52] and almost play along.

[00:19:54] Obviously, not get too involved with Mary,

[00:19:56] but write down everything she says,

[00:19:58] and hopefully, at some point,

[00:20:00] she's going to slip up,

[00:20:01] because I totally believe that that was Mary's doing.

[00:20:04] You can say,

[00:20:05] oh, Mark, you've read one too many Reddit stories,

[00:20:08] and I agree with you, I have,

[00:20:09] but it does look like it's going down that path,

[00:20:12] doesn't it?

[00:20:13] It's so frustrating, though.

[00:20:15] You just want to go to work to earn some money,

[00:20:17] to put some food on your table for your family,

[00:20:20] and then you've got to deal with this shit at the same time.

[00:20:23] Sad hippo says the OP,

[00:20:25] it was totally Mary.

[00:20:26] That's both terrifying and so, so creepy.

[00:20:30] I feel bad for Carolina.

[00:20:32] I do not work in HR,

[00:20:34] but I would absolutely report again to your manager

[00:20:36] what Mary has been saying regarding the trips,

[00:20:39] and her turn of phrase about Carolina

[00:20:40] as the situation continues.

[00:20:42] Write down her phrases and comments,

[00:20:44] with dates and timestamps.

[00:20:46] You need to set very hard walls with Mary.

[00:20:48] Only have a contact on your work phone,

[00:20:50] and ensure you are not alone together,

[00:20:52] unless it's in a very public place,

[00:20:54] preferably with cameras.

[00:20:56] I'm so sorry you're dealing with this,

[00:20:58] but I'm really glad you and your wife's relationship

[00:21:01] has not been affected by it.

[00:21:02] Stay strong.

[00:21:03] You did nothing wrong here.

[00:21:06] Horror Reveal says, in quotes,

[00:21:08] however, her conspiracy theory is that

[00:21:10] Mary was also traveling with Carolina.

[00:21:12] May have unlocked her phone and accessed the photos.

[00:21:16] Then says,

[00:21:16] glad to know your wife has a functional brain

[00:21:18] out of everyone involved.

[00:21:20] Snuff says,

[00:21:22] in quotes,

[00:21:22] it feels far-fetched.

[00:21:23] And OP says,

[00:21:24] it really doesn't.

[00:21:26] There's two options.

[00:21:27] Number one,

[00:21:28] Carolina sent the messages to her boyfriend

[00:21:30] from a burner account.

[00:21:32] Two,

[00:21:32] Mary hacked her phone.

[00:21:34] As only you and Mary have traveled with her,

[00:21:37] and it wasn't you,

[00:21:38] then which of the two options makes the most sense?

[00:21:40] Does Mary have a pin or code on her phone?

[00:21:43] Is she protective about hiding it?

[00:21:46] Most aren't.

[00:21:47] If you leave your phone to go to the toilet,

[00:21:49] someone can go into Chrome settings

[00:21:50] and copy your user and pass for your email,

[00:21:53] photos,

[00:21:53] et cetera,

[00:21:54] and access them anytime.

[00:21:56] But now,

[00:21:57] I'm gonna turn this one to you guys.

[00:22:00] What do you guys make of this situation?

[00:22:03] What would you do if you was OP?

[00:22:07] There were some people in the comments saying

[00:22:09] that they would record every interaction with Mary,

[00:22:12] but I know there's a lot of legalities

[00:22:15] around that kind of stuff.

[00:22:17] So that could be dodgy ground.

[00:22:19] Are you allowed to record just so you can,

[00:22:21] you know,

[00:22:21] reference it later,

[00:22:22] so you can make notes about it

[00:22:24] and timestamp and stuff like that?

[00:22:26] Does that still count?

[00:22:27] It's gonna be interesting

[00:22:28] how this investigation actually plays out though.

[00:22:32] What do you guys make of this one?

[00:22:34] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:22:36] And just a huge thank you for being here today,

[00:22:38] getting involved in the stories,

[00:22:40] your love,

[00:22:40] your support,

[00:22:41] your time,

[00:22:41] always means the absolute world to me.

[00:22:43] So thank you so,

[00:22:44] so much for being involved

[00:22:45] and hopefully I'll see you in the next one.

[00:22:48] Take care and much love.