Girlfriend Won't Use Birth Control And Won't Let Me Get A Vasectomy Even Though I Don't Want Kids

[00:00:02] [SPEAKER_00] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories and if you do love a Reddit story why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too and let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Today's first story does have trigger warnings on it of mentions of abortion within the story so if you do want to skip it please feel free to do so. Timestamps are always down in the description and along the timeline below. Thank you.

[00:00:32] [SPEAKER_00] This one's from an explorer2479 and it says, I'm I the arsehole for wanting a vasectomy because my girlfriend won't use birth control but also doesn't want me to get one.

[00:00:45] [SPEAKER_00] I, 32 male, have been dating my girlfriend, 32 female, since early 2023. Things were good through till most of 2024 but we broke up in early 2025 because she wanted a more serious commitment and I had just come out of a divorce and wasn't ready for that. Earlier this year in January 2026 we decided to try again and have been together since.

[00:01:07] [SPEAKER_00] There is an important piece of context. Earlier in her life she had an abortion and a doc warned her that having another one could create complications for future pregnancies. Because of that she is understandably very cautious about getting pregnant. For my part, I don't want children. I have no kids in previous marriage and also very clear about the future. I've been clear with her about that from the start. We have talked about it several times and my stance has been consistent.

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_00] We have a pretty active sex life and currently the only birth control we use is condoms. The problem is that we are having sex frequently, sometimes multiple times, back to back, and using condoms every single time has been frustrating for me physically and practically. Pull out method again carries some amount of risk and given her past, I can't give her that trauma again.

[00:01:57] [SPEAKER_00] She does not want to use hormonal birth control, IUD or other contraceptive methods because she is worried they might affect their hormones or future fertility. I suggested that I get a vasectomy since I'm confident that I do not want kids. However, she is also against that idea. She believes I might change my mind in the future and does not want to make a procedural decision like that. I told her that it's reversible, but again she is very hesitant and asked me not to go through with that.

[00:02:25] [SPEAKER_00] At the same time, pregnancy is not something either of us wants right now. Because of her medical history and my stance on children, it would be a serious issue if it happened. So right now, we are stuck where? She does not want hormonal or device-based contraception. She does not want me to get a vasectomy. Neither of us wants to risk pregnancy. The only option left is condoms every time. This has started to become a point of tension because it feels like there is no middle ground.

[00:02:51] [SPEAKER_00] From my perspective, I offered a solution that aligns with my decision about not wanting kids. From her perspective, she's worried about permanent decisions and future possibilities. Am I the arsehole for pushing for a more permanent birth control option instead of just relying on condoms indefinitely? Is it fair to say in this one that I think she still wants children? And OP seems set on not wanting children, so this comes down to incompatibility.

[00:03:18] [SPEAKER_00] The fact that she, you know, still talking about future possibilities suggests that one day she might hope that you're going to change your mind. And if that's the case, then that's definitely an incompatibility thing. And I really can't see this going much further, which I know sounds brutal to say. But what other option is there really, right? A commenter said to OP,

[00:03:48] [SPEAKER_00] OP says, Yeah, she's a wonderful person and would be very sad if we part ways because of this incompatibility. Another commenter says,

[00:04:28] [SPEAKER_00] OP replies saying, Yeah, I guess staying together with this incompatibility will always come and bite me in the arse. Gives me perspective from someone who's lived through it. Thanks for sharing. Another commenter says, You said you want a vasectomy. I would just get one and leave her out of it. Like you want one whether you're with her or not, right? Also, she sounds a little wackadoo. OP replies saying, Yes, kids are not in my future planning with anyone. I was quite clear in my last marriage as well. She's a wonderful person.

[00:04:57] [SPEAKER_00] There's no manipulation going on from her side. She's asked me to give some time before vasectomy. So yeah, just wanted to gather some help from people. A commenter says, In quotes, Pregnancy is not something either of us want right now. Then says, Might affect their hormones or future fertility. Emphasis mine. You don't ever want any kids like ever. She doesn't want to risk getting pregnant right now because she may have to have another abortion, which means she won't be able to have kids in the future.

[00:05:23] [SPEAKER_00] She wants kids in the future and that's why she doesn't want you to have a vasectomy. Why would you even want it to be reversible if your decision is solid? Just to placate her so she has stopped going on at you while you get it done. Not the arsehole. You're both fundamentally incompatible. The only compromise in a case of kids versus no kids is half a child. And that's just totally impossible of course. If you don't get your head on straight with her, you're going to end up baby trapped. By the way, what do you call two people who use the pullout method? Parents.

[00:05:53] [SPEAKER_00] Epy says, Yeah, I know. I'm too far mentally to see myself as a father ever. Yes, regarding pullout accidents, I have two couples in my circle who are now parents. Epy then adds another comment and says, Thanks everyone for your words. I'm definitely going to have a straight talk. No BS talk with her about my decision of no kids ever. I am no one to tell her to settle her dreams for me. But again, I can't be a passenger in my own life. Quoting from comments. Thank you folks for your opinions.

[00:06:21] [SPEAKER_00] I wish I could respond to each one, but there are so many of them. I feel like a bit of a fool not getting it sooner and leaving this discussion open between me and my partner. We're going to have a straight talk about this and move on either with or without each other. Epy comes in with their update eight days later and says, Now after I posted last, she had to travel back to home for about two months because of some personal work. While going through comments, I realized why I never wanted kids and what all things in my life led to that decision.

[00:06:48] [SPEAKER_00] So I booked a consultation with a urologist and he had a slot for a vasectomy for two days back. Now, I was in a dilemma to inform her about this in advance or just go through it. But I knew if I chose to inform her, this will just drag for a few days. And I really don't have the emotional bandwidth these days because of other factors. So I went through the snip snap procedure. Now I'm planning to tell her when she is back and see where this goes. At some point, I felt wrong not to inform her. But again, this is something I was thinking for some time and was always pushed because of some reason.

[00:07:18] [SPEAKER_00] And at the end, the thought which rang again and again in my mind was, Don't be a passenger in your own life. Someone said this in the comments. And frankly, I have a lot of times compromised in life for other people, which didn't end well. A commenter said, Did you ever actually inform her that you decided against having children? If yes, then this should not come as a shock to her. If no, then she'll probably need some time to get used to the idea. If yes, and she acts completely shocked and overwhelmed, then you will know she has plans to get pregnant against your wishes.

[00:07:49] [SPEAKER_00] It's best to be with a like-minded partner in such cases as this. Good luck. OP comments on this one saying, Yeah, the last time we had the discussion was February. And eventually she said, She have to choose between me or having babies while crying. So that convo ended there. Another commenter says, You need to break up with her. She wants kids you are incompatible. Do her a favor and let her move on. Another commenter says, You want different things in life. Break up and stop wasting each other's time. And another commenter says, Congrats on the vasectomy.

[00:08:17] [SPEAKER_00] Don't assume you're in the clear until after the follow-up sperm count. And many people just saying, You know, Don't wait the couple of months or whatever it was to tell her. Just get it over with now because this is inevitable, right? She wants kids. He doesn't. They're just incompatible. And that's the way it is. But what do you guys make of this situation? I'm assuming there's going to be another update on that some point soon. So keep an eye out for that. Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:08:46] [SPEAKER_00] Let's move on to another story. Our next story comes from important point 4425. Trigger warnings on it of sexism, financial exploitation, and manipulation as well. So again, if you do want to skip it, timestamps are always down in the description and along the timeline below. It says, Am I the arsehole here for doubting my marriage now that my husband admitted he's broke? I, 40 female, have a son from my previous marriage.

[00:09:15] [SPEAKER_00] After my divorce, I raised him mostly alone since his dad doesn't pay child support. Those years were hard, but I rebuilt my life. I focused on my son and my career and honestly, I was very happy being single. About five years ago, I met my now husband, almost 60 male, through work. He owned his own business. I wasn't looking for anything serious, but we clicked immediately. Within a couple of months, he was basically staying at my place all the time and eventually moved in, even though I wasn't comfortable enough.

[00:09:44] [SPEAKER_00] A year later, we were engaged. My son loves him and calls him dad. My family and friends adore him, and he's always been kind and generous with us. We split our expenses in a way that worked for us. We paid rent 50-50, I handled the household bills, and he was in charge of food and entertainment, going out, activities, etc. Not long after moving in, he had to close his business, but he always reassured me we were financially fine. Because he's near a time and age, I didn't push too hard.

[00:10:12] [SPEAKER_00] I assumed he had savings and things under control. For the last couple of years, he's been mostly a stay-at-home dad while I work full-time. He cooks, cleans, and supports me at home, which I appreciate. But over the time, things started to feel different. When we met, he was very active, went to the gym, had friends and hobbies. Now he mostly stays home watching TV, doesn't exercise anymore, and doesn't really see friends or family.

[00:10:37] [SPEAKER_00] I've tried encouraging him to do things like volunteering, hobbies, or even part-time work just to stay active. But he always brushed it off. We've also stopped going out together much. This year, we've only been on two dates, both of which I planned. Then this Monday, he told me he's completely broke. His savings are gone, and the remaining money connected to his business is no longer available. What upset me wasn't the money. It was that he never told me things were getting this bad.

[00:11:04] [SPEAKER_00] Now suddenly, I'm responsible for everything financially, and our current lifestyle is honestly not something I can afford alone. I've always been transparent with him about what I can and can't afford. When I told him I was upset, he said he thinks I was fine before because it was money. And now I'm only upset because there isn't. But that's not how I see it. I'm upset because he hid the situation and never really tried to restart the business, find work, or even plan for the future with me. Or that I had to carry on myself. He still hasn't done anything.

[00:11:34] [SPEAKER_00] I'm resolving the situation alone. Also, I've tried to speak with him before about how I was feeling prior to the big bomb, but I feel like he never truly listened to what I say. His response? I love you so much. I've never felt like this before. I'm so happy with you. I don't need anyone or anything else. I told him I want to see him as the partner and man of the house again. Not someone who just stays home all day.

[00:11:59] [SPEAKER_00] I appreciate everything he does around the house, but I don't want to feel like I'm his entire world while he has no life of his own. At the same time, I feel guilty for questioning things now that he's struggling. Am I the asshole for being upset and doubting our situation? Edit. Edit. Just to be clear, I did ask him several times about the finances, but he always assured we were okay and he got it covered. I'd never pushed to see his bank statements and he was sort of covering as part of the agreement, so I believed in him.

[00:12:28] [SPEAKER_00] I assumed a man his age had had it handled without me supervising every cent. Edit 2. Financials apart, I missed the partnership. Families go through hard times, but I don't like feeling I have to sort it out myself when I was in the blind all the time. He started as a great team player and having that support was great. Not the money, the mental and emotional one. But everything changed and I missed his masculine energy. I've been doing this by myself all my life.

[00:12:56] [SPEAKER_00] I wanted a partner for support, not to carry him as well. And again, it's not about the money, it's about everything else. Edit 3. We are a couple of months into a relationship, but we were together slash dating before, so he moved in after the year mark. I was not comfortable as for me, it was very important that whoever I was going to move in with because of my son, it was with someone serious and looking for a long-lasting relationship. Not just try and hit sort of thing.

[00:13:24] [SPEAKER_00] Before we got married, we signed a prenup, as I have been clear that all I have is for my son and I don't want to jeopardize that. He was married before, has four kids, or adults now. He left the house to the ex-wife. He moved out and was looking at his own place when he started getting serious. That's why he said, better to live with me and get our own place together. Yes, I've met the ex-wife and all the kids, who are actually quite close and they were so nice. The ex or kids never said anything weird.

[00:13:51] [SPEAKER_00] On the contrary, I noticed he was providing for them as well. So, apparently in this one, OP received a mixed reaction in the comments. The first one said, it honestly feels like you rushed into this relationship when you weren't 100% on board with it. He mentioned you weren't comfortable with him moving in so soon, but you let it happen anyway. The dating, engagement and wedding all happened super fast before you spent time getting to know one another. His finances definitely should have been a topic of conversation because now you're suffering.

[00:14:21] [SPEAKER_00] If he was honest from the beginning, planning better for the future would have happened. It's definitely not okay that you're now having to take over 100% of the rent and mortgage with no warning. Bills will now pile up and get behind. Being evicted or foreclosed is a possibility. Putting food in the fridge will now become an issue. All these things add up. He's not doing anything to help nor put your mind at ease that you guys will be okay. So, of course, you're stressing out. My suggestion is sitting down and having a real conversation.

[00:14:48] [SPEAKER_00] Put all your bills on the table and see if you guys can put a plan in place. A closed mouth doesn't get fed, so it's time to speak up. It's not only your responsibility to get a plan in place. You would think him being almost 70 that he would have this already done, but that obviously isn't the case. You could even see if the relationship was more transparent when you first started dating and you knew ahead of time that this may happen, but that wasn't the case. Where you messed up is not asking about his financial standing. You just assumed you all were good from his end.

[00:15:19] [SPEAKER_00] I hope you replied to that one saying, You were right. I'm not going to argue because that's how it was. I met him, hung out for a while, but as soon as we discussed being serious, he rushed it to move in with me. Being honest, I felt the pressure. Not only from him, but from family and friends who kept praising how amazing he was. Also by then, he and my son had built a very strong relationship and I'd actually agreed at him moving in when my son told me he wanted him in. My parents got married after six months of their first date and happily married for 43 years.

[00:15:49] [SPEAKER_00] Maybe I was thinking I could have a similar story in that way. I didn't want to lose my independence when I got with him, so we agreed on a joint bank account where we could both deposit the house expenses and in our personal accounts, we would manage on our own money at our free will. As he was contributing constantly to our joint account, I never actually dig too hard about his personal finances. I did touch the subject and signed a prenup prior to the wedding though. I'm very grateful for your comment because it really resonates in me.

[00:16:15] [SPEAKER_00] I'm just surprised at how comfortable he became after the wedding, which wasn't long ago. He stopped doing exercise. He'd already closed his business for a long time and I left talking about reopening but never actually did anything about it. I don't want to sound bad, but I feel like I'm married to a woman. Say what? He lost his drive, his manhood. That's what I miss. And then with this financial crisis, I'm the one sorting things out even though he kept me blind all this time and now things are piling up. Another commenter said to OP,

[00:16:45] [SPEAKER_00] Moved a man in and let him get close to your son but wasn't comfortable asking about his business. OP replied, I did ask over and over and he always gave me half responses or assured everything was covered. Another commenter says, If you refuse to ask about his finances, you are just as culpable. Everyone sucks here. OP replied saying, I understand your point but believe me, I tried several times and his response was always, I don't care about money, we are fine. Even when I told him to organize everything and give me numbers to plan,

[00:17:15] [SPEAKER_00] he just avoided or got upset. Commenter says, That's a hard lesson to learn at your age, but he lied by omission and broke your trust. Now you know what questions to ask next time you start getting into a serious relationship. Don't feel bad. We all keep learning lessons in our middle ages. The commenter replies and says, And please tell me as a mother that you were smart enough to have a prenup so that you don't have to pay alimony and cut into the kids college fund, right? Or are you in a state where you don't have to worry about alimony? Please tell me that.

[00:17:45] [SPEAKER_00] OP says, I do. That's why in certain way of our finances are separated. He did. He lied about finances, which is a major problem. But all about him seemed to be a lie. How he portrayed himself when we were dating versus how he is now that we are married. I have no words. I feel like I'm coming home to a complete stranger. OP on her husband's retirement plan and wanting someone to help take care of her kid financially too. They said, You're sort of right. I don't need someone to help me take care of my kid financially.

[00:18:13] [SPEAKER_00] But I do believe in the partnership and wanted that team to build a home and a relationship where we both do our best for the best of the family. That's why I didn't want him to move in initially. As I believe once you take that step is because you are willing to commit forever. Especially after kids. He did show that commitment. He loves me so much that his world closed. And he only sees through my eyes. Which is too much weight for me to carry. I know Piazza. A little bit more information saying edit.

[00:18:42] [SPEAKER_00] In terms of financial, we've only shared the rent. All the other bills I pay for including my son and my personal expenses. He's been buying the groceries and like I said, entertainment. He might have helped pay one term of my son's soccer classes. But I'm usually the one who pays for everything. When I say I can't afford all by myself. I meant taking over his part of the rent. As we moved to a way more expensive house since we got together. And the food. Also, even before he told me he's broke. I started making changes on my things to save up some money.

[00:19:11] [SPEAKER_00] But I'm annoyed I'm doing this. Changing my lifestyle while he's still the same. I don't see him looking for a job or a loan or anything to resolve the situation. Hence why I'm wondering if he has been a free loafer all the time. And was just distracting me with other things. I don't know. So, I'm sorry for being like this. So, it was nine days after that that OP did come in with their update and said, Hi everyone. Have a quick update. I'm so grateful for all the comments but I couldn't reply to everyone.

[00:19:39] [SPEAKER_00] So, I'll provide some context and an update. I'm surprised by the number of comments but I appreciate the advice. I take responsibility for my own decisions or lack thereof. To clarify a few things. We have a joint account where he was transferring his share. However, we agreed to keep our finances separate. I didn't want him to know my financial situation or to manage my money which I've been through. So, I asked about his finances respectfully and he provided as agreed.

[00:20:07] [SPEAKER_00] After all the comments I decided to have a serious conversation with him and requested proof of several discrepancies. He got upset at first but I stood my ground. It was either that or a breakup. We've only been married a few months and I'm not going to carry a dead weight. He's having issues with the IRS because his brother stole his identity and opened businesses in other states. There are other serious problems too and I spoke with a lawyer, an accountant and two exes of the brother. The brother is a lost cause.

[00:20:37] [SPEAKER_00] I was upset because I told him I needed to start fixing the problem. Not just wait. He got upset when we met with a lawyer and an accountant to create a plan. That's when I told him I couldn't continue with him on those terms. I understand he's going through a tough time and I'm here to support him but I can't take over his problems while he sits around. He either takes responsibility and gets things done or I'm leaving. It's not the money that bothers me. It's his attitude.

[00:21:02] [SPEAKER_00] Yes, I understand the age difference and that it's normal for a stay-at-home dad to be responsible for household chores. However, that wasn't ever agreed upon. I never wanted a stay-at-home husband and as I mentioned to him, I feel played. He pretended to be the kind of man I've always wanted. Interesting, independent, intelligent, high masculine energy and respectful. But he ended up being the complete opposite. He's very respectful and we have an amazing relationship but I'm feeling suffocated.

[00:21:30] [SPEAKER_00] So I gave him a month to find a job or a solution for our financial situation. He needs to return to the gym or a sport and hobby, make some friends and have a life. I need to be able to spend time with my son, myself and my friends without him. I'm also ensuring with a lawyer that the situation doesn't affect me or my son. I'll keep you posted to see if he actually did it or if this is completely over. The first commenter quoted OP saying, High masculine energy with an eye roll emoji on the end of it.

[00:22:00] [SPEAKER_00] And OP replied saying, Yes, a real man. Responsible, grounded, decisive, protective. I've been taking control all my life and in relationships because men just turn into big babies and I'll end up handling and manhunt everything at home. I wanted a man that could handle things so I could disconnect and try to have some rest. A commenter came back to OP on that one and said, When I think about people I know who are responsible, grounded, decisive and protective, my mom's friends are the first to come to mind.

[00:22:29] [SPEAKER_00] It may be more illuminating to think about people and their characteristics on an individual basis rather than assuming them based on their gender. Looking at old school gender norms, the only high masculine energy mark you identified was that he was active and went to the gym. Meanwhile, he almost immediately moved in with you so you could start taking care of him. Another outdated gender norm. This idea of a real man archetype is not a helpful measurement tool for evaluating individual people,

[00:22:57] [SPEAKER_00] but I suspect you were just throwing at that term to be hurtful to your husband. OP replied saying, You are absolutely right. I've always been like that. And I simply wanted a partner to share this journey with. To clarify, families face difficult times, unexpected health issues, death, bankruptcy and so on. Financial problems can happen to anyone and wanting to relax and lead a less active life is understandable. However, his attitude towards things completely put me off.

[00:23:24] [SPEAKER_00] I meant a man with high masculine energy who would face problems head on and find solutions. Instead, he sat and waited and only told me when he was forced to act. A very poor excuse. I'm simply exhausted from being the one constantly fixing everything and everyone. And again, there was a whole mix of comments below this one. People questioning why would you marry someone 20 years older and don't even discuss finances.

[00:23:49] [SPEAKER_00] A lot of people disliking both the husband and the OP in this for the way that she talks about, you know, the masculine energy and all this kind of stuff, the sexism within the story. Other people saying that the guy knew his business was going downhill, so he was looking for a nurse with a purse was what one comment said. But how about you guys? What do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And just a huge thank you for being here today,

[00:24:18] [SPEAKER_00] getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so, so much for being here. Truly, it's absolutely amazing. And hopefully, I'm going to see you in the next one. Take care and much love.