Girlfriend Spent Months Trying To Out-Cook My Dead Dad - I Finally Had Enough! | r/BestOf

[00:00:02] [SPEAKER_00] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider? And then like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from Chowder25 from the Am I the Arsehole subreddit. And it says, Am I the Arsehole for telling girlfriend to stop competing with a ghost?

[00:00:30] [SPEAKER_00] Some context. My 25 male father, deceased, studied to be a chef, but life got in the way and had to do something else. But he kept his cooking skills. Every Saturday or Sunday, he prepared us a five course meal for the family. We, family, are not that good, but we get together at least two times a month and cook some of the dishes that he used to prepare for us.

[00:00:53] [SPEAKER_00] My girlfriend, 26 female, also likes to cook. And she's very good at it. She's been part of said tradition as a guest and knows the many plates my father made for us. Now, for the past six months, she has invited me to eat at her house. She has made every said place. I didn't find it strange at the beginning, but after a couple of times, every time that she asked me how it was, no matter how much I tell her that it was very good, she somehow ends up dissatisfied with my answer.

[00:01:22] [SPEAKER_00] I have asked her what the issue, but got no answer. A few days ago, she made my favorite dish and dessert. After I basically stuffed my face, she asked me how it was and I told her it was freaking delicious. She started with, how delicious? I answered her with, 30 different ways of delicious and she was still not satisfied. Then she asked the question, better than your dad's? And I understood why she was not satisfied.

[00:01:47] [SPEAKER_00] This is what I said to her and what possibly makes me the arse off. Please don't do that because I will never compare the two of you. Your food is delicious. I mean, I ate half a pot in one sit of how good it was. But if you want me to tell you that you are better than my old man, I'm sorry, but it won't happen and it's not because of the level of your cuisine, but for the mere fact that you are not my old man. You're good on your own right. I look forward to eating your food just as much as I did every weekend he cooked for us.

[00:02:15] [SPEAKER_00] He's gone. Please stop competing with a ghost because you're fighting a losing battle. She ended up kicking me out and things have been icy between us. I really liked OP's response. I thought it was pretty level headed, maybe a tiny bit blunt, but definitely loving. You know, he didn't dismiss her cooking. He actually said exactly the right thing, in my opinion. That you're good on your own right, but you'll never replace my dad. I was just left questioning. What is she actually trying to achieve at the end of all of this?

[00:02:45] [SPEAKER_00] My commenter asked Simla saying, not the arsehole. Why is she competing with a dead man and putting you in this position while you're probably still grieving? OP says, the thing is, my old man has been dead almost five years. I still miss him of course, but I learned to deal with it. I met her two years after, so I don't get why she started this battle. My commenter says, not the arsehole. You handled this with so much grace. She was way out of line to begin with and her reaction was even worse. Is she generally overly competitive or narcissistic in other areas?

[00:03:15] [SPEAKER_00] I think this is on her to apologize profusely and you can decide if you accept it or not. OP says, not really. Aside from this issue with the food, we don't have any. Maybe your classic let's watch this show or this one, you know, that kind of small thing. Another commenter says, not the arsehole. If my partner was demanding I specifically say she was better at something than my dead father or the relationship was over, I'd be seriously worried about her and looking for the door. It's fine to want praise.

[00:03:44] [SPEAKER_00] Not to demand to be held higher than a dead loved one or anyone really. Some insecurity is understandable and you should affirm and praise her effort, but this is too far. Edits. I never thought this would get this much attention. I'll give you more information to make things clearer. She never met my father. We met two years after he passed away. I, neither my family has compared her food or my brother's partners to our fathers or anyone. Our grandma, dad's mother did that to us, not them.

[00:04:13] [SPEAKER_00] And we made her cut it out because we know it's just plain rude. When we get together, we're not babbling about our father. We know it would be a drag. We catch up about what we're doing while someone cooks. If one of them brings a dish, we happily eat it. If there's something that can be wrong when we go to mom's house is that we don't let them cook. Mom's request. My brothers and I are the ones who do it and we do it because we have many mannerisms from our father. Although we're not him, it's like he is here.

[00:04:41] [SPEAKER_00] If they want to help, we let them help, but we are mainly in charge. We mostly cook what our father used to prepare, but we also do other things. If one of them invites us to their place, we will happily go and eat whatever they prepare because they're also very good at it. Lastly, we are planning to talk later today or tomorrow to clear things up and move on from there. So, it was one month later that OP came in with an update and said I posted a few weeks ago and I got requests for an update. So, here it is.

[00:05:39] [SPEAKER_00] We're only through calls and messages, but we were on standby until new information came to light. A few days ago, one of my brothers called me for a work consultation and have dinner with them. During dinner, they asked me how things were going and I told them that we were talking more but things were still on the fence. That's when my sister-in-law told me something that happened between them. Sister-in-laws get together once a week and my ex was included.

[00:06:02] [SPEAKER_00] She said that months ago, just before our behavior started, my ex suggested to them about taking over our family dinners. I'm not talking about them cooking that day or them hosting dinner at their houses. No, I'm talking to completely erase the whole thing. Sister-in-laws refused and told her that dinner was important for them too. They like it and if she had a problem, to talk to me. Mike's girlfriend still tried to push the idea a few more times until my sister-in-laws got tired and stopped inviting her to hang out with them and stop talking with her.

[00:06:32] [SPEAKER_00] But they stayed civil. I talked with my other sister-in-laws that night and they confirmed the whole thing. The next day, I called my ex-girlfriend telling her that we needed to talk. We met at her parents' house and I went straight to the point. I told her that I found out what she had tried to do. She confirmed and I broke up with her. The commoner says info. Why is she so against the dinners and then tried to be better than him? Why is she pushed so hard to get this to end? Opie says she claimed jealousy.

[00:07:00] [SPEAKER_00] She was the only one who didn't meet my father. If she didn't have some sort of connection to him, neither did the rest. That's why her insistence in stopping dinners at my mother's once she couldn't do it. She just tried to be better than him. Commodore says, I don't even know where her problem is. I mean, two dinners a month, unless you live far away, is not that much. If she wants, she can skip it once in a while. I mean, when my mother-in-law invites me, I usually go and it's around twice a month too.

[00:07:28] [SPEAKER_00] But if I have something else planned, my boyfriend goes on his own. And I bet she's also happy to see her son on his own from time to time too. And on top of it, it sounds very lovely. Everybody getting on with each other, eating nice food. I just can't. It's so weird. Opie says her issues were not really with the dinners. It was pure jealousy of my deceased father and also of my sister-in-laws because they actually met my dad. She was the only one with no connection to him.

[00:07:55] [SPEAKER_00] Another commenter says, in retrospect, kind of bold that she'd suggest couples therapy because that implies a dysfunction of the relationship on both sides. Going there to be told you somehow contributed to someone else's very clear clinical issues seems a bit ridiculous. Opie says I had nothing against couples therapy, but that would come after she made some progress on her own issues. By the look of it, it would be a long time before we reached that point. And what she tried to do was just too much for me to overlook.

[00:08:22] [SPEAKER_00] And Opie adds an edit saying she wanted to get rid of dinners at my mother's house entirely. She tried to get my sister-in-laws to join her cause because once that failed, she started to try to be better than my deceased father. She did that to get me to stop going to my family gatherings or to join her cause to stop family dinners. I hope this is clearer. Thank you for taking the time with my mess and also thank you to those who DM'd me about their own experiences with their families.

[00:08:48] [SPEAKER_00] Bloody hell, that's some unhinged behavior right there. And clearly the sister-in-laws saw that as well, hence removing her from the group. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And let's move on to another story. Now, our next story, it comes from HP LaserJet Pro. Great name. And we're on the Relationship Advice subreddit. And says,

[00:09:17] [SPEAKER_00] My 23 female boyfriend, 24 male, got really jacked. And now I'm no longer attracted to him. We've been together almost four years. Recently, he's been getting really into fitness and weightlifting. Our cupboard is full of protein powders. And he's obviously gained a ton of muscle. And is significantly more cut than he was before. This is not saying he was out of shape before. We've both always been healthy. But the focus on weightlifting and muscle growth is new as of six months ago.

[00:09:47] [SPEAKER_00] I should clarify that when I say he's gotten into fitness, I don't mean the whole culture that can negatively come with it. He's not look-maxing or falling into the red pill or anything. He's still the extremely sweet, generous guy he always has been. The only personality change is around our meals. When he insists on weighing out his portions and cooking for himself. I can understand the intensity and dedication. As I used to dance semi-professionally. But quit to focus on academics halfway through college. This is all to say,

[00:10:16] [SPEAKER_00] I still love him. But something about his new body turns me off. The best I can describe it is, You know in the Marvel movies. He used to be more like Loki. And he's now Thor. There's nothing against Thor. But I feel like there's a lot of girls like me that agree that Loki is objectively hotter. Our sex life has suffered. I don't think his stamina is better by any measurable degree. And the posturing and visual of him shirtless gives me more images of stuffy Hollywood actors

[00:10:44] [SPEAKER_00] and fake online personalities than the sweet guy I know he is. General intimacy is also on the decline. As things like cuddling or just making out aren't as comfortable for me anymore. How can I explain this to him? I'm sure he can feel me pulling away. And by God, I don't want to hurt him. I'm wondering was his reasoning for all this is other than simple self-improvement. I promise I still give him compliments and pump up his self-esteem just as much as I used to.

[00:11:12] [SPEAKER_00] So if it's an insecurity thing, I'm hoping it's not from me. All this is to say I have no plans on breaking up, but I'd like to be physically attracted to him again. Edit I think people are misinterpreting what I'm saying. We're both muscular already. I'm talking about the new build on top of what was already there. I won't speak on steroid use, because if he's using it, it's without my knowledge and I have no oversight. Someone in my DMs mentioned something about a Twitter post a few months ago

[00:11:41] [SPEAKER_00] from the artist Olly Merce, in which he changed dramatically to be what a lot of men find more conventionally attractive. And people were shocked by women's preferences in the comments. This is exactly what I'm talking about. I don't know if I can post links in here, but he went from a bit skinnier in the before pic to not as dramatic, but still aligned with the second pic. Someone also said something about a meme floating around a while ago using the Loki and Thor analogy. I don't remember seeing it, but perhaps I did and subconsciously saved it to use here.

[00:12:10] [SPEAKER_00] I don't see the new development as improving himself or necessarily healthy. I don't think having the lowest body fat percentage is possible is healthy. I also worry about his cardiovascular health, as the increase of mass makes your heart work harder and doesn't necessarily correlate to better health outcomes, especially if you neglect cardio in fear that it limits your gains. Perhaps I have some dance trauma to blame for this, or perhaps I'm interpreting the science wrong, but this is my view of things.

[00:12:39] [SPEAKER_00] I'm not sure if Reddit is being Reddit here, but the general consensus is the last few hours is that I'm a bad person and I should dump him. That's not happening. I love him deeply and with all my heart, and I'm simply asking how to get over or address the newfound lack of physical and sexual attraction. And even that it's not 100 to 0, my libido didn't fall off a cliff. It's a preference, which I can overlook due to so much other good in him. Forgive me for being defensive, but the amount of assumptions people have made about our relationship is astounding.

[00:13:09] [SPEAKER_00] I'm not insecure personally or in our relationship. He supported me when I was a stressed out mess, finishing my degrees, and I'm supporting him as he finishes his, both emotionally and partially financially. Lastly, I haven't thought on this before, but I got tipped off about the possible intention to propose right after graduation, and a new part of me thinks he's doing this to look good as possible during those upcoming milestones. I don't know. I guess we'll see. Taurus Rising says to OP,

[00:13:37] [SPEAKER_00] so I've always theorized that when it comes to partner changes we physically dislike, it's often due to what we feel those changes represent or say about our partner, which then becomes an unconscious dialogue of what that says about us. In the example most often posted here, every one of four posts it seems, we see men often being upset with their partners gaining weight and wanting to find ways to remedy the situation. Oftentimes, but not always, the wife is still someone they claim they love,

[00:14:05] [SPEAKER_00] who shows up and is present as a partner, mother, or friend, but they've started to struggle with health. While yes, they may truly not find their new physique attractive, I think it's often such a distressing complex for these guys, because being with someone who is overweight becomes a moral issue, rather than simply a disagreement in preference. Basically, if I'm with someone who's this, that must mean that they are that, which must mean that I am this. I notice your semantic use of stuffy or fake.

[00:14:33] [SPEAKER_00] This is the route why the body changes are a concern, likely not pure shallowness. However, if this is the case for you, the real work comes from working on shifting your perspective of bulky gym bro equals disingenuous and self-absorbed, or whatever you prefer to associate the changes as. Anyway, I do wish you luck in this. I'm sure it won't be easy, but I can sympathize with how you feel. Really Really Trying says this is 100% the correct answer.

[00:15:01] [SPEAKER_00] People love to say you can't help what you're attracted to, but you actually can make some shifts in attraction. To an extent, not totally of course, because of this. Maybe talking out things with your partner in a way that doesn't make it about looks is possible. Asking deeper into the motivations for this change, how he views himself, what he feels like this will improve in his life, etc., will help you feel less worried about the fake gym bro persona and a closer as a couple,

[00:15:27] [SPEAKER_00] which is a factor huge in attraction and intimacy people always overlook. New Seesaw says, Yeah, this is tough. You really can't change what you're attracted to. I didn't blame you. I'm not attracted to those bodies either. There's also no way to bring this up without hurting his feelings, and you should never ask a person to change for you. All you can do is be honest with him, but this sounds like a deal breaker. Accomplished says, Heck, even Chris Helmsworth and his wife prefer when he's leaner.

[00:15:55] [SPEAKER_00] Not even Thor prefers Thor. Calder says, Nobody is responding or addressing a major intimacy that was cut out, which is cooking, eating, and sharing a meal together. For me, that's massive, and my partner agrees. Aside from his body changes, the routine changes could be a greater underlying issue. His body represents his steadfast commitment to the gym and eating habits. Maybe dissect it from there and explore meal prep together. Ways to introduce emotional intimacy and the physical will follow. Good luck.

[00:16:25] [SPEAKER_00] Ignore the shallow comments too. There's a lot of single people responding for some reason. The OP did update their post and says, Hi. I really don't feel obligated to update, but I felt it was a little important due to the amount of attention my post got. Before doing so though, I wanted to address everything systematically. So scroll down a bit if you only want the update. My lack of desire does not come from the fact that his body has changed. It comes specifically from the type of ultra fit his body has changed into.

[00:16:55] [SPEAKER_00] Upon reflection, I kind of just find the bulging muscles, super veiny, dehydrated, and shrink wrap look gross. I still can't speak for a lot of women when I say this. That's all to say it's a preference. I don't care what you think is good looking. I'm talking about myself and my relationship, which should only consist of two people's opinions. Speaking of opinions, I tried my best to read all the comments and wow, people got passionate. Breaking up was never on the table

[00:17:22] [SPEAKER_00] and the insistence we do so was profoundly unhelpful. I'll acknowledge that upon reflection, I have a bias towards certain body types, but so do almost everyone else. Mine partially stems from being in the dance world, but the sentiment I have towards a super chiseled look is shared by a lot of women. I would even go so far as to say most. One of the things I did take away from my previous post is that I was doing nothing good by keeping myself from talking to him. Between our schedules and other complications, getting sick,

[00:17:52] [SPEAKER_00] last minute travel, we finally got the chance and I got the courage to talk about two weeks ago. We're in the house joking around and chatting about various plans as well as reflecting on our past. Some good advice I took from here was to phrase it along the lines of, I miss your old body, to which he didn't react to the relevation positively or negatively. He just gave me some affection and we continued doing our own thing. This last weekend, we had an event to go to that was somewhat affiliated with fitness. There I asked if he was doing it for himself

[00:18:22] [SPEAKER_00] or if there was something underlying. So we finally had a more productive conversation where I able to lay down that, yes, he's noticed I've pulled away sexually, but he attributed it to general life changes and stress. He now knows I'm not into his body, the way it is currently. Feelings were bruised a bit on both sides, but nothing we can't or haven't already gotten over. He has a desire to spend more quality time together. This might mean cooking together again or manifest as going to the gym with him as I primarily attend my work provided one.

[00:18:52] [SPEAKER_00] Any other suggestions about how to increase time together without expending too much energy? Lastly, he's been working out so hard in his own self-interest, but we're able to uncover that it's more of a stress response and a way of obtaining control than a desire to look a certain way. I should have prefaced, but didn't at the time because I felt that it was too much information to divulge online. But he's in his final semester of a graduate degree in epidemiology, which you can imagine is extremely important and stressful. On top of that,

[00:19:22] [SPEAKER_00] as well as actively searching for postgraduate employment, his father is in a hospice, which is actually where I got the tip off that he might potentially propose soon, as he would want his father to see him engage before he passes. Also to add, as for why I couldn't just open up and talk to him. With our current schedules, we only see each other for a few hours in the evening, if lucky, and it was much more important to me we have a pleasant evening and unwind, then bring up something potentially uncomfortable. So all in all, he's aware.

[00:19:50] [SPEAKER_00] We had a mature conversation about it. We uncovered where the actual tension originates. We might try to start cooking together and going out again, and we still love each other, but it would probably be a good idea for him to see a therapist for a second after all this. Overall, it's a small bump in our relationship, not the devastating crash and burn Reddit likes for it to be. I'm looking at it through the lens of this too shall pass. There's being fit for health, which we both already were, and there's jacked for aesthetics.

[00:20:20] [SPEAKER_00] I do not think pushing to achieve such a physique is an upgrade in any way. I do not find it healthy, nor do I think it's sustainable. Jealousy and insecurity have nothing to do with the fact that I think dieting for an ultra low body fat percentage should not and cannot be construed as bettering yourself. Having so much muscle mass doesn't in fact correlate directly to strength, and the cardiovascular and hormonal risks are not worth it. The discipline is admirable, but I think we're in a strange place in history where some people find that such proportions

[00:20:48] [SPEAKER_00] are the peak of human performance and are most desirable, and that is something that is realistic and attainable that everyone should strive towards. At a certain point, putting so much focus on body composition and having such a tight grip on your food restrictions borders on orthorexia. I was a dancer. I know what eating disorders look like. I can say with confidence that I feel like, along with being more attractive, my boyfriend was healthier before all this. I'm not showing him this post partially because of the proposal thing, but also because you guys can be kind of assholes.

[00:21:19] [SPEAKER_00] Lol. A comment says to Opie on the back of this, you just made my day hearing about a potentially serious relationship issue that's been dealt with in a healthy way. My own partner and I are similar. If there's a major issue, we talk about it calmly and find a way to move forward together. We also try to do a relationship maintenance discussion about once a month, so problems get nipped in the bud in a good chunk of time. Again, thank you for letting me see a solution, other than he's bad, dump him. I often wonder how many of these sub posts could be resolved respectfully

[00:21:47] [SPEAKER_00] through communication and trust. Don't get me wrong, there are assholes out there, but not everyone is one. Another commenter says, that's one of the reasons this sub frustrates me. All of the comments are always break up. Leave him Opie. Communication goes a lot farther than most people understand. This post is a clear example of that. I'm also glad they worked it out. And another commenter says, can't wait for Reddit to have a hard time accepting the two-way adult communication actually solves many relationship issues.

[00:22:17] [SPEAKER_00] Happy for you Opie. I'm super glad that they were able to talk things out. I start looking into reasons why he's struggling at the moment. You know, it sounds like he's going through an absolute lot with his graduate degree and his father in the hospice. You know, I know what it's like to sit through those kind of feelings. And obviously, we all experience them in different ways, but he must be going through an absolute time right now. But I do wish them all the best going forward. And I hope things work out

[00:22:47] [SPEAKER_00] in the best way possible. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Just a huge thank you for being here today, getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so, so much for being here. Truly, it's absolutely amazing. And hopefully, I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love.