AITA For Telling My Husband He's DONE Mourning His Best Friend After Two Days | r/OhNoConsequences

[00:00:02] [SPEAKER_00] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider in the like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:20] [SPEAKER_00] Now today we're looking at the OhNoConsequences subreddit. The subreddit where people are genuinely surprised by the consequences of their own actions. As always, these stories may, may not have updates. So if it's not for you, it's not for you, right?

[00:00:37] [SPEAKER_00] But I thought I'd just give you that warning before we do get started. But our first story comes from amithearsholehusbanddeadx from the amithearshole subreddit originally. Cross posted to OhNoConsequences, but it does have an update this one. Titled, Am I the arsehole for not wanting my husband to go to his ex's funeral?

[00:00:56] [SPEAKER_00] I'll admit, I'm biased right off the bat. I couldn't stand her. I call her his ex to myself and others. He called her his friend. We're all in our early 40s. She died recently. Aneurysm. I've been with him for 10 years now, but he'd known her for 20 plus. The way he tells it, they were friends in college, decided to date, got married, then realized they weren't a great couple, and decided to just be friends.

[00:01:23] [SPEAKER_00] All that happened years before I met him. He was clear early on that she was important. A couple of months into dating, it came up that his friend was actually his ex-wife. He explained the above to me, saying she was one of his closest friends and that it was purely platonic. I expressed some discomfort at him being so close to an ex, and he told me, that's fine. If you have a serious issue with it, let me know and save us some time. I'll choose her.

[00:01:50] [SPEAKER_00] I like Ewanur, but I've known her for over 12 years, and she's one of the most important people in my life. You'll have to be okay with that if you want us to be a thing. When we were engaged, I asked again. He gave me this perplexed look and asked, Why would us getting married affect my friendships? I sucked it up and went along. I resented every moment of knowing her, especially when we had to be social.

[00:02:15] [SPEAKER_00] She understood some part of him I couldn't. Her husband was friends with mine as well, so it's not like I could use him as an angle. He'd have lunch with the ex. He'd go to their geeky movies and whatever. The few times I brought it up, he said, We had this conversation before. You had your chance to back out. She died after he had lunch the other day on the way to her car. He spent a bunch of time crying, but honestly, I was relieved. He was working with her husband on funeral planning. I told him,

[00:02:45] [SPEAKER_00] You don't think you're going, do you? My argument summed up, she's dead, so she's not a factor anymore. He doesn't get to use his she's my friend excuse since she doesn't exist anymore. He had his cry for a couple of days. He gets to be done with mourning her already. There's no need for him to go to her funeral since I wouldn't want her at his. He was the angriest I've ever seen him when I told him that, replying that he'll be going no matter how I feel and that he's willing to burn this to the fucking ground

[00:03:13] [SPEAKER_00] while holding up his wedding band. Besides you, she was the closest friend in my life. Him, her husband and my sisters are calling me an insensitive arse all over this, all saying that there was no romantic aspect to their friendship and that I'm heartless. Her husband went so far as calling me a ghoul for how I've reacted. I never felt their relationship was appropriate and I hid that for years because I wanted to be with my husband. Now that she's gone, I don't feel I should have to hide it anymore and can speak freely.

[00:03:44] [SPEAKER_00] Am I the arsehole for just wanting him to be done with her and for him to not attend the funeral? Ugh, dairy me, where do you even start with this one? She was relieved that a woman died. She set almost like a deadline for him mourning, what, two days and then you can't anymore for a 20 year friendship. And it just sounds like the husband was done with this bullshit. He's saying he's gonna burn this to the ground while holding his wedding band. And you know, she knew what this is all about on their second date. He literally said, I'll choose her.

[00:04:14] [SPEAKER_00] And this is gonna sound horrible to say, but she was almost getting what she wanted. All she had to do was stay quiet until the funeral was over. And again, it sounds brutal to say this, but she wouldn't be a part of his life, but she couldn't even wait that long. All she had to do was be a decent human being for like, what, one week? Support him, squeeze his hand, you know. Just be a nice person.

[00:04:40] [SPEAKER_00] And that line where she doesn't exist anymore was just pretty chilling. I mean, fucking hell. And the way it was written, it might be just the way it was written, but I was like, do you even like your husband? But Lady Cass says, you're the arsehole. When he divorces you, he probably wouldn't have to explain his friendship with you to the next woman because, seriously, he'd want to stay friends with a woman who had treated you like this.

[00:05:08] [SPEAKER_00] Galloping Gecko says, if she doesn't exist anymore, why are you still so jealous of her? He can't even leave you for her now, so I think it's time you got past it. You're the arsehole. You can speak freely, and he can leave after finding out how heartless you actually are. Fair enough. Another commenter says, this is the most monstrous take I've seen on this sub in a while. And this is, am I the arsehole? That's really saying something.

[00:05:33] [SPEAKER_00] I don't even know why you're here asking because everyone in your life has already told you what you're here. The lack of compassion you've shown in your post honestly makes me wonder how you've managed to hoodwink your husband to ever think you're a decent person. You're the arsehole, and I don't think you should be surprised if your husband goes to that funeral and doesn't come back. Sonny Hill says, you're the arsehole. You're jealous of a dead woman.

[00:05:57] [SPEAKER_00] A dead woman who's your husband's close friend and confident for years, and you did know it right off the bat. You can't even give him a chance of closure. And it's not up to you to decide when he is done with mourning. Keep up being jealous of her, and you'll find yourself to be his ex-wife as well. And one more commenter says, wow, you're the arsehole 100%. Your husband has been straight up with you from the beginning about how important this woman was to him.

[00:06:22] [SPEAKER_00] Instead of making the decision back when you were dating to either accept that he has a close relationship with his ex or break up, you instead made the crappy decision to be resentful all this time. Horrible. Your husband lost his good friend, who also happens to be his ex, and you're relieved he lost her. You're trying to put a timeline on his grief, and you want to prevent him from mourning someone who he had such a strong relationship with. Do you care about your husband's grief at all? Do you respect your husband's feelings at all?

[00:06:51] [SPEAKER_00] And are you seriously jealous of a dead woman now? Just wow. Everyone is correct. You are heartless. Hope this is a wake-up call for your husband, and he can see what your true character is. You're the arsehole. Absolutely. So Opie posted in another subreddit with her update and said, We've been together for 10 years, but he's choosing to end all of that because of how I reacted to his ex-wife's death.

[00:07:17] [SPEAKER_00] They were friends when we met, and his claim was that they'd dated and gotten married while they were young and dumb, before realizing they worked better as friends than as a couple. He told me that if I wanted a relationship with him, I'd needed to accept she'd always be a part of his life. He'd do things like go to geek movies with her and sometimes her husband, and they'd do their tabletop gaming, all of which I found boring. He and I had a mostly happy marriage, I thought,

[00:07:43] [SPEAKER_00] but I had to deal with her presence and pretending she and her husband were friends. I hated her, and when she died, I was relieved. I didn't want him going to his funeral, saying now that she was out of his life, he was done with her. I was called cold and callous for wanting to put my foot down. Yes, he went to the funeral, which I was very uncomfortable with. I asked him not to go again, and he just gave me this cold, expressionless stare.

[00:08:10] [SPEAKER_00] She was cremated, and my husband was given a little bit of her ashes in a small urn the size of a pill bottle. I told him it was creepy to have them, and he flipped me the bird. The past month plus of my life has been a nightmare because of her dying. My husband has barely talked to me, and I've received texts from nearly all of our friends and family calling me a monster, all because someone saw my original post on Reddit and shared it with everyone they could, even people at my job.

[00:08:37] [SPEAKER_00] Many of the posts here were nice in comparison to the things the people I thought when my friends said. I was just out of town for several days on a work trip. On Friday, I came home to a partly empty house, his car gone, and a petty sound in letters saying that we would be getting a divorce. Not that he wanted one, that it was going to happen, he'd already filed. He said that my post was one of the most hurtful things he's ever read, and that my jealousy of his friendship was insane. He wrote,

[00:09:11] [SPEAKER_00] He left a list of what he's taking, saying I can keep the rest. His last line was, I learned he's staying with her husband, because that man sent me a long text telling me to stay away from his home, and he regretted ever letting me into his life. My own sister said,

[00:09:38] [SPEAKER_00] If she learned I was dating someone, she'd fill him in on what a black-hearted C-word I am. So yeah, my husband is divorcing me because of his wife's first death. She was more important to him, and it seems to our friends. And keeping our marriage together is. She's screwing up my life, even from the grave. It's wild after this story that Opie still considers the woman who passed away as the villain and not herself.

[00:10:05] [SPEAKER_00] Everyone in her life is telling her that she's the monster, and she's still like, Nope, it's her doing it to me. Absolutely wild. But now, I'm going to turn this to you guys. What do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Let's move on to another story. Now, our next story that was cross-posted across to the Oh No Consequences subreddit is titled Final Update 2 Husband Accused Me of Financial Infidelity.

[00:10:34] [SPEAKER_00] Yes, who's still an arsehole? Husband, 33 male, and 33 female have been married for 10 years, together since college. Since starting out, we have made financial security a priority and have been able to achieve that, albeit with some good luck along the way. We both have good jobs, paying close to $200k each. Student loans were paid off within a few years. Both went to state schools with some scholarships, so didn't have a lot of debt to begin with.

[00:11:02] [SPEAKER_00] We live in a house I inherited from my grandmother, no mortgage, and don't have any credit card debt. We max out our 401ks and currently have 18 months of expenses in our emergency fund and are still adding to it. Our cars are both paid off and should be good for another 5 plus years, and we don't have any credit card debt. We manage our finances in a hybrid manner. Joint accounts for bills and savings and separate accounts for our fun money. We each get a pretty generous monthly allotment.

[00:11:32] [SPEAKER_00] The fun money is strictly for our individual expenses, hobbies, clothes, outings with friends, etc. And not for things like date nights, vacations, or larger joint purchases like household appliances and repairs, which come out of our joint account. We also agree that if either of us gets any bonuses or has any side hustle income, those will go into our individual fun money accounts, unless the funds are needed for a larger expense, such as a major home repair.

[00:11:59] [SPEAKER_00] In terms of the fun money, my husband is much more of a spender than I am, due to expensive hobbies, in particular golf and collecting sports memorabilia. And he's also more into designer clothes, which is fine. It's his fun money. On the other hand, my hobbies are a lot less expensive. Running and working out, reading, baking. In general, I'm more introverted and a great time for me is tea with a friend at one of our homes, with homemade pastries. I've also been getting back into gaming lately,

[00:12:29] [SPEAKER_00] after setting it aside for much of the past decade while building my career. After realizing I had more than enough in my fun money account, I decided to overhaul my gaming setup and got myself a new PC, desk, and gaming chair. Total cost of about $5,000. However, upon hearing about the purchase, my husband is furious. He says he has no idea I had saved so much money, and that I should have consulted him before spending $5,000.

[00:12:56] [SPEAKER_00] I asked what difference it made if it was my own accrued fund money and not our joint funds. He insisted that my accumulating this amount without telling him was a form of financial infidelity. He said he lost trust in me, and he doesn't know what else I might be hiding. He is demanding that I return the items I purchased and deposit most of the funds to our joint account. He wants to make a new rule that fund money accounts can't accumulate more than $2,000, and that any excess goes back into the joint account.

[00:13:24] [SPEAKER_00] A rule that would obviously favor him as a person who spends most of his allotment each month instead of saving up for anything bigger. I feel like I'm being punished for being more of a day-to-day saver than spender. It wouldn't occur to me to demand to know how much money my husband has in his fund money account or to try and micromanage what he spends it on. I wasn't hiding anything deliberately. He never asked about it until after I made the purchases. Still, maybe I should have been more transparent about my plans.

[00:13:53] [SPEAKER_00] So, am I the arsehole here? Info. My husband and I each have our own office slash hobby room in the house, so it's not like the gaming setup was in the space he uses. I don't usually game when my husband is home unless he's already busy doing something else. My biggest block of gaming time is typically when he's off playing golf. Also, I run 40 to 50 miles a week, so it's not like I'm generally sedentary. I can't think of a good reason why he would object to me gaming

[00:14:20] [SPEAKER_00] or having a nice gaming setup in my own space in the house. General overview of the comments before we go to the first update, saying basically he's sounding controlling and greedy, other people calling him manipulative, and other people saying that he's just jealous of you saving money. But everyone pointing out that this is a big issue. Opie comes in with her next update about a week later, shares the link and a big TLDR which we skipped because we just read it. And then it says, anyway, here is the update.

[00:14:50] [SPEAKER_00] My husband finally calmed down to have a conversation with me. As many others who provided comments suggested, it wasn't really about the money, but a window into larger issues in our relationship. Essentially, my husband has been feeling increasingly unhappy with me for a while, for the following reasons. In general, he feels he's a lot more committed to his career development than I am to mine. It's true that although we currently have about the same income,

[00:15:17] [SPEAKER_00] the ceiling for his field, finance, is a lot higher than the one for mine, tech slash software dev. He's currently in an executive training program and I'm decidedly not. He's feeling resentful that he's having to work longer hours in a high-pressure environment. While I get to work primarily at home doing something that is fun and fairly easy for me, and I'm not stretching myself to do more. He's concerned that over time, these resentments are going to build, and that I'm not going to end up pulling my weight financially,

[00:15:45] [SPEAKER_00] if he takes huge leaps in his career and I don't. He remarked that since getting back into gaming a few months ago, I've been putting a bit less effort into cooking. I do nearly all the cooking because I work at home and have an easier schedule. It's true that I have been fixing simpler meals, things like grilled chicken salads or chili with cornbread, instead of elaborate meals with fussier foods and several sides. He has also noticed that I haven't been doing the elaborate table settings I used to,

[00:16:13] [SPEAKER_00] with flowers on the table, fancy placemats, etc. Honestly, I didn't realize he noticed or cared about this, but apparently he does. Acts of service are one of his main love languages, so overall, he's feeling a little neglected because of this. He also feels I'm not putting enough effort into my appearance, not in terms of weight and body. I'm a long-distance runner and slim, but in terms of things like clothes, hair, etc. It's true, I've never paid much attention to these things. Given that I work at home in tech,

[00:16:42] [SPEAKER_00] the standard for appearances is extremely low, and I far exceed that. I tend to buy simple, practical clothes at places like Target and Walmart, don't wear much makeup and keep my hair in a simple ponytail. I do glam up a lot more for date nights and other dressy occasions, but most days he comes home from work to find me in a t-shirt and yoga pants with no makeup, and he wants me to make more of an effort. The bottom line is, because of all these things, he's starting to notice other women.

[00:17:12] [SPEAKER_00] Says he hasn't cheated, he's just noticing other people because he's regularly disappointed in me. In particular, given that he works in finance, there are a good number of very career-orientated, type A women who manage to have fantastic bodies, be effortlessly polished and glam, and have more interesting hobbies. He also says he feels horrible about all this because he knows I'm a good person and that he's being judgmental. But it's not so much I've changed as that his own goals and expectations have changed in the past couple of years.

[00:17:41] [SPEAKER_00] The financial infidelity part came into it because he feels I'm not really investing in myself and our relationship, thus cheating on our future in a sense. He also says he loves me enough to be honest. I do believe he isn't trying to be hurtful. I really had to drag all of this out of him. That he doesn't want us to drift apart further. That he doesn't want to be angry and resentful and he knows he is asking for a lot. I know that many on this sub say that I should tell him to take a hike and call my lawyer, but we've been married for 10 years,

[00:18:10] [SPEAKER_00] have invested a lot in the relationship and I want to see if the marriage can be saved. So a couple of things. First, we did make an appointment with a marriage counselor and start next week. Also, I'm gonna try and do at least some of the above. I'm not sure about making myself more professionally ambitious when I'm already happy with my work-life balance and already financially very comfortable. But I can at least try doing other things, return to spending more time on cooking and decor and fix myself up a bit when he's on his way home from work.

[00:18:40] [SPEAKER_00] Now that I know they are important to him, I also know that in the end, I may feel like I'm just tiptoeing around or contorting myself to please him, but it won't cost me much, certainly much less than a divorce, to try for a month or two and then see how we both feel. And I know, I would always regret it if I didn't try. So maybe not the update that you're expecting or hoping for, but that's where things are. And if folks continue to be interested, I can update further once we have started marriage counseling,

[00:19:08] [SPEAKER_00] once I can feel out how the changes are going. Edit. I need to call it a night, but once again, thank you to everyone for your responses. They were really eye-opening and help me to see that I do deserve better than the way I'm being treated and that the expectations my husband is laying out for me are unfair and unrealistic, especially as he isn't doing anything at all to make it easier for me to meet them or to show me he appreciates my efforts and everything I do bring to the table. I am indeed conditioned to be very people-pleasing

[00:19:36] [SPEAKER_00] and that has impact in what I think is reasonable here. I do have a lot to think about, such as, what do I really want here? What is going to make me happy? Especially if I have to keep making myself smaller, metaphorically speaking, and contorting myself to please my husband. Do I really want to be in a marriage under those conditions? I think I'm really selling myself short if I just agree to most of what he demands. Still going to go to the marriage counseling appointment, but I think I will wait to make any other changes

[00:20:04] [SPEAKER_00] until we can at least get some professional input. So about a week after this, Opie comes in again and says, hi old, so I have an additional and probably not very surprising update to my saga. So the more I thought about it, the more his requests, demands really, were sitting poorly with me. I decided to try a little experiment over the weekend to see what would happen if I tried to meet some of his demands. Not because I actually thought they were reasonable, but because I increasingly had the sense that the goalposts would just keep moving

[00:20:33] [SPEAKER_00] and that I was playing a losing game. So Saturday morning, I went to the salon for a glow up, haircut, fresh highlights, mani slash pedi, then went to the farmer's market to pick up fresh flowers for our table and assorted other gourmet ingredients. Saturday is usually our date night out, but I suggested we stay in so I could make us a special dinner. Steakhouse style, lobster bisque, bread basket with several types of rolls and savory muffins made from scratch, crab stuffed mushrooms, filet mignon, all gratin potatoes,

[00:21:03] [SPEAKER_00] white chocolate mousse topped with raspberries. I wore a lavender, his favorite color on me, sheathed dress and high heels, and fully done hair and makeup. For all that I got a lukewarm thanks, it was tasty, and a kiss on the cheek. Of course, I did all the serving and cleanup. Sunday we usually go out, but he suggested I make us brunch at home. So I made French pressed coffee, mimosas with fresh squeezed orange juice, Belgian waffles with banana foster topping, eggs scrambled with parmesan

[00:21:32] [SPEAKER_00] and fresh herbs from our garden, roasted fingerling potatoes, and maple glazed bacon. I wore a blue sleeveless sundress, which sandals, again did my hair and makeup. Again, I got a thanks, it's good, and no help with serving or cleanup. Afterwards, I asked if this is what he had in mind when he critiqued me before. He said that it was a start, but that I was acting very entitled for wanting credit for basic adulting. He then dropped a bomb that he was being so hard on me because he had realized lately

[00:22:00] [SPEAKER_00] I had a lot to make up for due to me being a low value woman. I asked what on earth he meant by that, and he said it was because I wasn't a virgin when we met. What? Keep in mind, we started dating at 21. Neither of us claimed to be virgins or stated that as an expectation, except for very religious people. Neither of us is. I don't think most 21-year-old college students are virgins. I was upfront with him then that I'd had two previous partners. My high school boyfriend,

[00:22:30] [SPEAKER_00] we went our separate ways when we went to different colleges in different parts of the country, and another boyfriend that had my first year of college. That's it. Both committed relationships and nothing casual. He then went on to say that because of my low value, I was going to need to be making it up to him for the rest of my life, that I didn't deserve monogamy or equal treatment, and that I was lucky that anyone at all wanted to marry me, and that he's connected with someone from work, so if I wanted to keep him,

[00:23:00] [SPEAKER_00] I'd better step up. I told him it didn't sound like there was anything to keep if he no longer loved me, or even liked or respected me. Told him to leave, and he said he would gladly go to his girlfriend's place. I know so many people here insisted he was having an affair, and I just didn't want to see it, that his complaints were really all a part of a campaign to distance himself from me. I feel so foolish for just thinking he was going through a stressful time at work, or that he genuinely wanted to work on our marriage. Anyway,

[00:23:31] [SPEAKER_00] I've taken the week off from work to get my head together, have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow, cancelled the marriage counselling appointment, but got a gem, but got a referral to an individual therapist who can do an intake session with me later in the week. He and the girlfriend apparently are coming to this evening to get more of his clothes and things, so I have to brace myself for that. Also, please be assured I do not think I am low value in any way. I let my husband make me think less of myself on some levels for a short time, but now I truly see

[00:24:00] [SPEAKER_00] it was a him problem. Obviously, we don't share the same goals and values, and he has become someone I don't recognise. I know the divorce won't be fun or easy, but I will be okay. Thank you all for helping me see that I was being played before I wasted too much more of my time in a marriage that was already over. And a comment added about the husband saying, yes, it seems like he fell down a toxic masculinity hole at some point fairly recently. Retroactively punishing me for not being a virgin at the outset.

[00:24:29] [SPEAKER_00] After a 12-year relationship, including 10 years of marriage, it's just completely over the top. I even said, so this person you connected with at work is actually a virgin. Well, she was, he said, with a smirk. So virgin or not, someone who would sleep with a married colleague is a higher value than me. Unless he lied about his marital status and situation, which I wouldn't put past him. Yes, he admitted he'd been having an affair for several months. He kept trying to say that it doesn't really count as cheating because I'm low value

[00:24:59] [SPEAKER_00] so the standards are different. Bloody how that's so infuriating. Opie comes in with another update which was 17 days from the original post saying, hi all, I wasn't going to post another update, at least not this soon, but I've gotten dozens of DMs and messages asking if I'm okay and how things are going. So this is specifically in response to those who were checking in on me. Opie then recaps the story thus far and then goes on to say, so he was supposed to come get his stuff on Tuesday evening a couple of days ago

[00:25:28] [SPEAKER_00] but he told me at the last minute he couldn't because Amy, his girlfriend, wasn't feeling well. Some people called it in the comments but yes, she's pregnant apparently. He told me this on text so I have proof of the affair in writing now. It's not just his word against mine. Anyway, I didn't want him to keep jerking me around on the schedule for whatever reason so I told him I'd pack his stuff for him and arrange for movers. I think it's better that way. I really didn't want him slash them in the house. I already had arranged for a friend to come over on Tuesday when he and Amy

[00:25:58] [SPEAKER_00] were supposed to come by so the two of us spent the evening packing his clothes and other personal effects. The movers came yesterday and got the boxes and the furniture items he wanted. He didn't want much, just the stuff from his home office and his dresser. As apparently, Amy's apartment is small. I provided a detailed inventory and photos of everything which he approves so he can't say that I broke or otherwise ruined his stuff. After that yesterday, I went to the clinic to get STD tests. Won't have the results for a week or so but thankfully,

[00:26:28] [SPEAKER_00] I haven't had any symptoms. I met with my lawyer who said I had a good case for grounds of adultery and mental cruelty if I want or need to go that route. At a minimum, his leverage to get him to settle quickly and quietly. Also, lock down all finances within the parameters provided by the lawyer so that he can't empty our joint funds or take anything that belongs to me. Changed account beneficiaries and all that fun stuff. Changed our locks to the house too. I decided to take the advice of some of the commenters and I'm getting rid of the bed

[00:26:57] [SPEAKER_00] and other bedroom furniture I shared with him. I'm donating it. Someone is coming this afternoon to haul it off and I'm going to completely redecorate the bedroom to my own taste. That will take a bit. Staying in one of the guest rooms in the meantime. I'm also taking a spa weekend away. Leaving tomorrow morning and back Sunday night just to get a change of scenery before I have to go back to work next week. And yes, even after buying the gaming setup I have plenty of fun money left in my account to afford my lawyer's retainer and redoing the bedroom

[00:27:27] [SPEAKER_00] as well as my getaway with plenty left over. Here's to frugality when it counts. Those are the main updates for the moment. I'm doing better than expected. I think and realizing more day by day that it really wasn't a good marriage. At least not for the last couple of years when he started expecting me to do everything around the house. And all the other emotional labor of ruining our lives outside of work with no help little to no gratitude. Amy sure is going to have her hands full. Edit once again I cannot thank

[00:27:57] [SPEAKER_00] everyone here enough. I need to get ready for my spa weekend away so apologies in advance if I have not responded to your comment or DM. But I'm really grateful for all the support and encouragement. Hopefully there won't be any more notable updates for a while. I really just want a smooth and easy divorce and to get on with my life. So please keep your fingers crossed for me. Hope you had some extra information about the incoming child saying also he was hardcore child free before. I didn't want kids either but he was especially militant about it.

[00:28:26] [SPEAKER_00] I mean maybe he changed his mind but it doesn't seem like this was exactly a planned pregnancy. Plus he can't even be bothered to put his own laundry in the hamper or put a dish in the dishwasher. How is he going to deal with an infant? Anyway not really my problem and I guess he'll figure it out. Or not. Someone says is he her superior at work? Hope he says my understanding is that they are peers. He isn't her boss. I don't think it's against the rules for co-workers of the same level to date. At least not as some of our

[00:28:55] [SPEAKER_00] well his really friends met at work there and it wasn't an issue. So for that reason I think I'll stay out of it. Especially as I do want him to stay gainfully employed until the divorce is completely final. Still I agree it's awfully foolish to have an affair at work that results in pregnancy while one of the people is still married. I mean you can't hide that messiness. It's going to be physically obvious. Someone says how is a 24 year old making the same amount of money as your ex? I hope he says they're both

[00:29:25] [SPEAKER_00] in an executive training program for a fairly recent MBA graduates. Amy is apparently some sort of prodigy who got hers at 21. I assume to be ex started out in a supply chain management and the company paid for his MBA which he finished a couple of years ago. And after that he moved to finance side and was accepted into the training program earlier this year. She's 24 apparently graduated from college at 18 and got an MBA at 21 and he just got his MBA a couple of years ago. He was on a different

[00:29:54] [SPEAKER_00] business operation track before switching to finance. So it was a month after that post that Opie came in again and in the first paragraph again gives a recap of what happened up to that point and then says updating again here because a lot of kind people have been checking in with well wishes and to see how I'm holding up. Sorry for not updating sooner but as soon as I got back from the spa weekend I mentioned in my last update I dove into working with my attorney on a divorce settlement and didn't think it was wise to put my business on the internet

[00:30:24] [SPEAKER_00] however anonymously with the legal issues up in the air. The good news is that we're able to come to an agreement pretty quickly and everything is now executed just waiting for the court date which could take another couple of months. But my lawyer says the agreement is airtight. It wasn't quite as favorable as most you lovely folks probably would have wanted for me but I was highly motivated to get it done fast. I did everything that really mattered to me. First the house I inherited from my grandmother is 100% mine along with all the furnishings

[00:30:54] [SPEAKER_00] and other effects in the house. My retirement accounts and my fun money account are all mine as well. Otherwise I did have to give him 75% of the other cash assets although he wasn't on the title for the house. He did contribute substantially to the large renovation we did as well as the upkeep since then. and the house appreciated very substantially in the last year since we moved in. It's fine as I still have plenty of money especially as I'm quite frugal most of the time and can rebuild cash savings quickly. Our agreement also

[00:31:23] [SPEAKER_00] states that neither of us has a claim on each other's past, present or future earnings so in case something happens and he loses his job before the court date I wouldn't be liable for alimony. This is actually overall a very good deal for me and gives me a lot of security. In case anyone is wondering how we got this done so quickly our state allows divorce on mutual consent grounds which basically allows for a quick divorce without a legal separation period if the parties come to an agreement about all finances and assets.

[00:31:53] [SPEAKER_00] Given that Amy is pregnant, my soon to be ex, let's call in Joe, yes like the psychopath in the show You, was very motivated to not drag this out. Now for the real dirt of this update. Last weekend, shortly after all our papers were signed, Amy reached out to me. She asked if we could meet and talk. Perhaps I should have declined but I would admit I was curious about the 24 year old progity and until recently a virgin person who was Joe's affair partner. So I agreed to meet her for lunch.

[00:32:22] [SPEAKER_00] So the thing is, Amy is very pregnant, like third trimester. She confirms she is due in mid-October which means the affair has been going on a whole lot longer than Joe let on. Whatever, it's water under the bridge as the divorce is almost final. However, after some polite but chilly pleasantries, she asked me when I'm going to be moving out of the house because surely Joe has been patient enough with giving me time to get my life together and her apartment is small and they are needing space for the baby.

[00:32:52] [SPEAKER_00] Uh, what? I told her she must be mistaken as the house is mine, inherited from my grandmother, but I asked her what else has Joe told her about me and our marriage. And lie after lie, Joe's lies that is, tumbled out of her mouth along with crumbs of the real story. These gems include, well, it was true that she and Joe met at work but it was about a year ago and they were both interviewing for the executive training program they're now in. Amy said though that

[00:33:21] [SPEAKER_00] they first became friends before getting together romantically. Apparently Joe told her that he was legally married but that we had been separated in spirit and living separate lives since 2020. But that he didn't want to kick me out and make me homeless during the pandemic because I didn't make much money and we live in a high cost of living area. Joe told Amy that we met in our early 20s when he was mentoring me in a GED prep program. That I was a high school dropout who was struggling with addiction and

[00:33:50] [SPEAKER_00] essentially he rescued me, helped me get clean, tutored me for my GED and had been supporting me since through gradually working on college classes. He told Amy I was working on prepping for an IT career and was currently making 45k as a help desk technician and that he wanted to make sure I could at least afford a studio apartment. He also told Amy that we had separated because I had relapsed and he couldn't have a meaningful relationship with a drug addict. This is all lies. My entire history of

[00:34:19] [SPEAKER_00] drug use is occasionally sharing a joint in college, maybe four to five times total. Never anything harder. It is true that Amy was a 24 year old virgin progeny. She seemed dismayed that Joe had told me that, though at least the virgin part, said it wasn't a moral issue. She really was just focused on school and work and didn't make time to date and that generally guys her age seemed mostly interested in casual hookups, especially the younger finance bro types, and she wasn't interested in that. But that Joe took the time to get to know her

[00:34:49] [SPEAKER_00] was actually interested in a meaningful relationship. I asked her if her pregnancy was planned. She said no, of course not. But it was a miracle because Joe had a vasectomy. So they took that as a sign that they should keep the baby. Uh, no, Joe did not have a vasectomy as we were planning to be a child-free couple. I suggested it a couple of times over the years. He firmly stated he didn't want to alter his body like that. So he left birth control as my responsibility. So, it really does seem

[00:35:18] [SPEAKER_00] that Amy is pretty blameless here. I mean, those of us who have been around the block would likely know not to believe a guy who claims to be separated but is still legally married and living with his wife. But without having any dating or relationship experience, I can see where she would have taken him at his word about everything. After all, I didn't know anything was amiss with Joe until a couple of months ago. And I was married to him. Of course, Amy didn't want to believe me. And I don't blame her for that either. After all, she's been in a relationship with

[00:35:48] [SPEAKER_00] Joe close to a year and is seven plus months pregnant with his baby, who's coming soon, ready or not. I couldn't immediately refute everything she said but showed her a couple of things. First, a picture of me in my late teens with my grandmother in front of my house and also a LinkedIn profile which shows my current job and education. Told her to do what she wanted with the info and to please stay safe and take care of herself. And then said my goodbyes. Yes, it was all very odd and unexpected and surreal. Sorry this is so long but figured those

[00:36:18] [SPEAKER_00] following my tale would be interested in this turn. I'm not sure if I'll update again, maybe in a year or so, when I've truly processed everything with lots of therapy and hopefully on to living my best life. As for Joe and Amy, it's up to them to find whatever their path is. I do hope she wises up and leaves him but I'm sadly not confident about that. I'm sure he'll be able to spin all this in his favour because that's what he does. But I also can't make it my problem anymore. And we have one more update shortly but...

[00:36:46] [SPEAKER_00] OP adds some comments again saying, I think I've determined that because Amy's pregnancy was progressing, he was starting to get nervous about how he would juggle everything and decided to preemptively blow up the marriage in order to get the upper hand. So none of those things were genuine critiques. It was just designed to throw me off balance. Someone said, how did she take it when you said you owned the house? OP said she didn't really believe me about the house and said she was going to have a talk with Joe about it. She said she hoped I would think about it and not be so stubborn and that that offer remained open to take the money

[00:37:16] [SPEAKER_00] she offered to move out by the end of September. Another person says, maybe the reason he didn't have more fun money was that he was spending it on her. OP says, oh yes, definitely. A lot of the golf days were actually spent with her, not golfing, and he only played golf once or twice a month, not weekly as he represented to me. Apparently he convinced her that the reason he could never spend a night with her during most of the past year before he moved in with her was that I tended to get high in the evenings and he was always worried I would OD if he wasn't there

[00:37:46] [SPEAKER_00] to keep an eye on me. The commenter says, did you tell her he didn't really have a vasectomy? OP says, I did tell her but her answer to that was to insist that he did have one. He just didn't want to tell me because he had only gotten one because although he did want kids, he didn't want to bring them into the world with a drug addict spouse. OP comes in three months later with another update and says, hi everyone. Not sure if anyone remembers as it's been a few months since my last update. I originally posted

[00:38:16] [SPEAKER_00] earlier this year about my husband Joe accusing me of financial infidelity because I had spent some of my own fun money and savings within our agreed upon personal spending limits on a gaming PC and a home office setup which then devolved into him unfairly accusing me of slacking on my personal appearance, career and housework and it soon came out that I'd been having an affair with a co-worker, Amy, who had become pregnant. We separated right after that and he moved out and in with her. And apologies in advance, the next update

[00:38:44] [SPEAKER_00] below is quite long. Last time I updated, we thankfully quickly agreed on a divorce settlement that allowed me to protect my most important assets. I had just met with his mistress, Amy, at her request, at which time it was made clear that he had lied to her about numerous circumstances, such as that a home belonged to him, it did not, I inherited it from a grandmother, and that I was an underemployed high school dropout drug addict. I'm not, I have a master's degree and a high-paying tech job. That we'd been separated in

[00:39:14] [SPEAKER_00] spirit for years. Also not true. I didn't know anything until we blurted out the news about his affair over the summer, and that he had a vasectomy. He did not. We talked about it, but he decided not to despite us. Him in particular, not wanting kids. I told her the truth and even provided as much evidence as I had on me, but she didn't seem to believe me and went on home to Joe. I know quite a few people have been reaching out for more news, but I wanted to wait until my divorce was finalized to avoid risking

[00:39:43] [SPEAKER_00] any complications, and also just thought it best to let things settle for a bit. The good news is I'm now divorced. The final decree came through a few weeks ago. It actually went very smoothly. I'm eternally grateful to live in a mutual consent divorce state that allows divorcing couples to proceed quickly if they can come to an agreement on finances and property. On the Joe and Amy front, after my last post, all was quiet for a couple of weeks until Amy, a due date quickly approaching, reached

[00:40:12] [SPEAKER_00] out again to ask if I'd given any more thoughts of her offer to pay me 17k to vacate the house quickly so that she and Joe could move in. Again, this is the house I inherited that I own free and clear, but Joe told her he owns it and that he was just giving me time to get my finances together before evicting me. At this point, I decided to package up a lot more evidence of Joe's lies to send on to Amy. I sent her a copy of the deed and property tax records showing the house is in my name only. I sent her copies of my diplomas to prove I'm not

[00:40:42] [SPEAKER_00] a high school dropout. I sent her some info on various professional associations I'm involved in and awards I have won to show I actually do have a senior level job and I'm not underemployed, as well as proof of my income. I sent her copies of all my drug test results for the past five years. I have a drug-free workplace and have to test two to three times a year to show I'm not an addict. I sent her timestamp photos and text exchanges to show that Joe was still having a romantic relationship with me until July this year.

[00:41:11] [SPEAKER_00] Nothing salacious, just photos of us showing G-rated affection, exchanging loving words over text, etc. I even found a text exchange from a couple of years ago when we last discussed him potentially getting a vasectomy. This final decision, not to proceed with one. A couple of days later, she responded, she believed me. However, in the end, it didn't matter as Joe convinced her he had lied for very good reasons. The way they both tell the story, they met at work and were incredibly drawn to

[00:41:40] [SPEAKER_00] each other in a way that felt inevitable. However, due to Joe being married, he felt that if Amy knew he was, to that point, happily married, she would either turn away from him and miss out on the love of a lifetime or she would go ahead with an affair but be consumed with guilt. So to avoid either of these outcomes, and especially to save Amy from guilt, Joe decided to create an alternative narrative in which he was in a marriage that had ended for all intents and purposes years

[00:42:09] [SPEAKER_00] ago, in all ways but legally. Because I was an uneducated addict who kept relapsing and couldn't get my life together. That was, she could essentially believe he was single. How noble of Joe to bear all the guilt alone. Slash sarcasm. Unfortunately, Amy said she understood and forgave him immediately. With a baby due any day, I suppose I can sort of understand the desire to justify the lies, even though the reality is horrifying. I suppose it's also not my problem anymore.

[00:42:38] [SPEAKER_00] Amy did have a baby over a month ago. I guess she and Joe will make whatever life together or not is meant to be. As for me, I'm doing very well. I actually got a big promotion at work. Not managing people, which I don't want to do. But we'll be working on higher profile projects with a 40% raise. Which starts after the new year. The house is really big just for me. So I have a couple of roommates now. A friend who is also going through a divorce moved in as well as a younger, mid-twenties cousin who

[00:43:08] [SPEAKER_00] moved to the city for work. We're all having a lot of fun together. I'm not really ready to date yet. Still in therapy processing or the marital fallout. But getting there and looking forward to whatever new adventures life has to offer. This will probably be my last post. In this series anyway. As the saga of Joe and Amy. Or at least my role in it is finished. Whether it's legally divorced and having no ongoing financial or other ties. The best thing I can do is leave them to their own story. And get on with my Joe Free next phase.

[00:43:39] [SPEAKER_00] Thank you all so much for listening to my story for much of 2023. I do truly appreciate the support and helpful advice I received along the way. I hope you had me in that last update when she said, Amy responded and she believed me. I thought, oh, finally, you know, she's going to see Joe for what he is and be done with it. But she didn't. And it's just like, oh, bloody hell. Oh, no consequences indeed. But I'm so glad that Opie was just doing much better. Opie's writing style

[00:44:09] [SPEAKER_00] throughout all this was really chill for what was actually happening in the background, right? It's like, what the fuck? There was so much going on with everything. And Opie was just like, yeah, yeah, you know, this is the way he spoke to me. He called me a low value woman. I was just like, what the hell? A lot of people pointing out that it sounded like you'd been listening to some kind of, you know, those influencers, right? I'm not going to mention the names of them here because, you know, you end up with these assholes on your timeline then. But now I'm going to turn

[00:44:38] [SPEAKER_00] this one to you guys. Bloody hell, that one went on for a while. Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Now, just a huge thank you for being here today, getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so, so much for being here. Truly, it's absolutely amazing. And hopefully I'm going to see you in the next one. Take care and much love.